0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Victoria and Albert, the love story of their generation.
0:00:41 > 0:00:441836 and the most eligible young princess in the world
0:00:44 > 0:00:46meets her potential suitors.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48What about Alexander of the Netherlands?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Prince of Orange-Nassau. - Three out of ten.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Begging your pardon, ma'am, but he's totally fit.
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Don't care. Not interested.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It was not going well, until...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Who is that? He's gorge.
0:01:03 > 0:01:0512 out of 10.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Sorry, your highness, who are we looking at?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Is he behind the one with the ridiculous facial hair?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- Oi! Walrus face, out the way! - Thus.- He spoke!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16For Princess Victoria, it was love at first sight.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21All right? I think you're the fittest man I've ever seen.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I love you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I just wish I knew if she liked me.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29It was a royal whirlwind romance and after a couple of years,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31it was time to propose.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34My love, my darling, my cousin,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36there is something I need to ask you.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Will you marry me?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Oh, that is what I was going to say,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43but, er... Yes, why not?
0:01:43 > 0:01:4610th February, 1840, the happy day.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Prince Albert marries the now Queen Victoria.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I now pronounce you Queen and husband.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Check it out! King Albert!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Or was he?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, no. It's Prince Albert, actually.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01But I've married a queen so I am king.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Yes, but it doesn't work like that. - Maybe it does.- No, it doesn't.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Maybe it could.- No it couldn't.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- But you're Queen. You could make me King if you like.- Yes, you'd think.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- But I asked the government and they said, "no".- OK, baby.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16It was a happy marriage, a REALLY happy marriage
0:02:16 > 0:02:18that would bring them nine children
0:02:18 > 0:02:20and would last until their dying day,
0:02:20 > 0:02:24which, sadly, in the case of Prince Albert, wasn't very long.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Albert!!!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28Queen Victoria went into mourning.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30VICTORIA WEEPS
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Time is a great healer.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33VICTORIA SOBS
0:02:33 > 0:02:3540 years later...
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Come on. Get over it!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Finally, after four decades of grieving,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Victoria was ready to move on.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45OK, I'm over it.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I'm ready to start dating again.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50VICTORIA GROANS
0:02:50 > 0:02:52I think you might have left that a little late.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57When Albert died and Victoria went into mourning,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01she only wore black for the next 40 years.
0:03:01 > 0:03:0540 years! Just imagine her wardrobe.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"Mmm, what shall I wear today?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:11"The black dress, the black dress or the black dress?"
0:03:11 > 0:03:15"Oh, I have it! The black dress!"
0:03:21 > 0:03:24In the 1500s a priest called Martin Luther
0:03:24 > 0:03:25started a religious revolt
0:03:25 > 0:03:29against the Catholics in Germany, and set up the Protestant Church.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32He was a colourful character to say the least.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And having heard that Mr Luther shares my misgivings
0:03:36 > 0:03:38about the Catholic church,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I was hoping to discuss our philosophy
0:03:40 > 0:03:42and work out the best way
0:03:42 > 0:03:45to tackle these terrible abuses of Catholic power.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Of course, and I know he's been looking forward to meeting you.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Ever since you wrote the doctrine
0:03:50 > 0:03:53that's the foundation for the breakaway Protestant church.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- He's through there, in his office. - Ah, thank you.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Hello!- Oh, my word. I'm so sorry.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I didn't realise you were on the toilet.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Well, that is right, yes. But this is also my office.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- I don't think it is.- No, no.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You see I use the toilet so much I thought to myself,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"Hmm, why not turn my toilet into my office?"
0:04:14 > 0:04:17So I had this big bathroom built with under-floor heating,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21a nice wooden toilet with cess pit underneath,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23so now I can do my business while I do my business!
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Ha, ha, I made a joke.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Ha, ha, ha, ha...
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Anyway, I need to finish this letter to my friend.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32"If you ask me, the whole thing stinks."
0:04:32 > 0:04:38"It is dark, foreboding and makes me feel very uncomfortable."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Ah, I take it you're referring to the abuses of the Catholic church.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Oh, no, no, no.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46I'm just filling my friends in with the details of my latest poop poops.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I like to keep my friends abreast of my movements.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53You right detailed letters about your poo to your friends?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57That's right! I know some people can find my obsession with the poop poops
0:04:57 > 0:05:00a little bit weird, but I have no doubt that they will enjoy
0:05:00 > 0:05:05reading about my botty bums as much as I enjoy writing about them.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06No? Hehe!
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Well, clearly you're far too busy
0:05:08 > 0:05:11to discuss church matters with me yourself.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Perhaps you would allow me to see your number two.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Sure, here she is.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh! I meant your assistant!
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Oh, well.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Good size and consistency.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Smell?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26HE SNIFFS
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Hmm, pungent.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Martin Luther really did come up with the idea
0:05:31 > 0:05:35for the Protestant church on a toilet in Germany.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37This paved the way for Henry VIII to break from Rome
0:05:37 > 0:05:39and start the Church of England 20 years later,
0:05:39 > 0:05:43which meant he could now take control of all the Catholic abbeys
0:05:43 > 0:05:44in the country.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47And that wasn't very good news for the monks who lived there.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Hello and welcome to Cash in The Abbey,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56the show where we help you find hidden treasures
0:05:56 > 0:06:00in your monastery or abbey, and turn them into cash.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03This week we're in Tudor times where his majesty King Henry VIII
0:06:03 > 0:06:07is hoping to raise enough money for the war of a lifetime with France.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13So, Henry, I hear you've got an abbey or two.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Oh, yeah. 800 of them.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16What? 800?!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Yes, they used to belong to the Pope but now they're mine
0:06:19 > 0:06:22since I set up this new church, Church of England.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23It's a long story.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Anyway, they are chock full of stuff I no longer need, you know.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Dusty old books, monks and so forth, so I thought I'd have a clear out
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and see if I couldn't raise some cash.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And you've got your friend here, Thomas Cromwell to help you out.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37That's right.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41I sent out a team of experts to every monastery in the land
0:06:41 > 0:06:44and, according to their report, these monks are rolling in it.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47You don't think it might look dodgy nicking all this stuff
0:06:47 > 0:06:49off these men of God?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Have you read my report?!
0:06:50 > 0:06:55"Manifest sin, vicious, carnal and abominable living
0:06:55 > 0:06:58"is daily used and committed."
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Those monks were having more fun than me. Not really!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05We just made it up for an excuse to nick all their stuff.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06I'm sorry but, er, I know.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- Right then, let's have a rummage. - Yeah.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26So, how are you getting on, Henry?
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Oh, very well.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30These monks have kindly agreed to let us have whatever we want.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- Really, that's good.- Well, otherwise we'd have them executed.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36And what have you got there, Thomas?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38These books are unique religious texts
0:07:38 > 0:07:41that any Catholic would love to have on their shelves,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43so I'll be destroying all those.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And I also found these little pieces of bones in a coffin
0:07:47 > 0:07:50which may not look like much but are actually sacred relics,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53so, hopefully, they'll make us a bob or two, too... Too.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57And the best bit of course is that, er,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01they've got loads of land that we can steal and sell to our friends.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03So, you're basically going to leave these monks
0:08:03 > 0:08:06with nothing but the building they live in.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Oh, no, we're going to flog off the bricks to the local peasants
0:08:09 > 0:08:13and the lead on the roof is going to be melted down and used as gun shot.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Bring on the Frenchies, I say.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17HENRY LAUGHS
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So, Henry, you've managed to cash in all 800 abbeys.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24You must be pleased.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Yes, it's been a life changing experience, er, for the monks!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Well, they shouldn't have done all those terrible things
0:08:31 > 0:08:32that we said they did.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Where are all these beggars coming from? Get out of it, go on.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39So you've nicked all their gold, smashed up their houses
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and sold everything off to the highest bidder.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46But have you raised enough cash for that war in France?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Yes, yes, you have.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Yes!! See you later.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Er, is this stuff all going for free?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Yeah, help yourself.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I've had my eye on this for the garden.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Guys, can you... Can I get some, er, couple of guys on this end?
0:09:05 > 0:09:09This was known as the Dissolution of the Monasteries.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Over 800 religious communities were seized by Henry VIII,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14so he could afford to go to war with the French.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Well, Henry certainly had the stomach for a fight!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Anyway, Protestants and Catholics did not get on,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and in England during the reign of Elizabeth I,
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Protestant priest hunters tried to round up all the Catholic priests.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Brand new to Tudor times, Hide and Priest.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The cat and mouse game no one wants to play.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38To start playing all you have to do is hide your Catholic priest
0:09:38 > 0:09:42along with his vestments, relics and altar.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Then just wait for the Protestant priest hunter to call.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Will the priest be safely hidden in his hole?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Or will the priest hunter track him down?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54He'll rip up floorboards!
0:09:56 > 0:09:59He'll knock down walls!
0:09:59 > 0:10:03It's the no fun at all game that can go on for days, or weeks.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh, it's no good. I give in.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06You win, where is he?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09He's... Where's who?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Mmm. Worth a go, wasn't it?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Only make sure you don't leave the priest in there for too long
0:10:14 > 0:10:16or you could be in for a bit of a shock.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Hide and Priest.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20The game that brings Catholics and Protestants together.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Only not in a good way.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Hello and welcome to the News at When,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38when around seven million years ago,
0:10:38 > 0:10:42when there was no human life on earth, but over in Africa
0:10:42 > 0:10:46some chimpanzees are starting to develop some rather familiar traits.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Here with more details on these incredible developments
0:10:50 > 0:10:53is the oldest human I've ever met, Bob Hale, with the Human Report.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Bob.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Thank you, Sam, I think.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Well, it's a whopping seven million years ago,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01here we are in Africa and here comes your family.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Well, OK, they're chimpanzees
0:11:03 > 0:11:06but these particular ones look a little different to all the others.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09There's something about the face, or maybe it's the teeth
0:11:09 > 0:11:10or perhaps the "I'm Evolving" t-shirt.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Whatever it is, there's a subtle difference that might just be
0:11:13 > 0:11:15the first tiny steps towards becoming you and me.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Well, you, anyway. I'm much better looking.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20And if we zip forward a million years,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22we find a series of these tiny changes have combined to make
0:11:22 > 0:11:24a chimp that's no longer a chimp at all.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes, it's a Orrorin Tugenensis.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28A whole new species that boldly stands on its own two feet
0:11:28 > 0:11:30by standing on its own two feet.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33And give it another million years to practice they're even walking around,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36teaching their tiny brains to put one foot in front of the other,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38like this. Oh!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39More difficult than it looks, isn't it?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41But by three million years ago,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43they've got this walking business sorted and how do we know this?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Because we found the skeleton of the Southern Ape nicknamed Lucy,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48just like my first girlfriend.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And she's 1.2 metres tall with short legs,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52a hook jaw, and a brain the size of an orange,
0:11:52 > 0:11:53just like my first girlfriend.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57But more importantly, Lucy's skeleton proves that she walked on two legs
0:11:57 > 0:11:59most of the time, just as we do today.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02That's Lucy the Ape Skeleton, of course, not Lucy my first girlfriend
0:12:02 > 0:12:04who is alive and well and has a successful radio career.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08So the apes are now upright but they're still basically apes.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09But not for long!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Yes, a trifling two and a half million years ago
0:12:11 > 0:12:12up popped Homo Habilis.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Latin for handyman and a lot cheaper than the guy who put in my bathroom.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Yes, he starts using tools and as such, he's the first true human.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22A fact I will now celebrate using this early party popper.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24IT SQUELCHES
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Needs work.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Anyway our little handy man switches to a protein rich diet
0:12:28 > 0:12:31which helped him to grow a bigger brain and design better tools
0:12:31 > 0:12:34so he can catch better food, leading to bigger brains and better tools,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37and better food, and bigger brains and better tools and better food...
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Sorry, yeah, got a bit stuck.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Anyway, as the African forests recede into desert, mankind has to evolve
0:12:42 > 0:12:45just to keep up, so about 1.9 million years ago,
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Homo Ergaster appears and since the desert is so hot,
0:12:47 > 0:12:48he loses all his fur.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Though we've blurred that out to save his embarrassment.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Meanwhile, over in Asia, Homo Ergaster's cousin has appeared,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Homo Erectus, and he has discovered fire,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59which means he can now cook meat which helps him to eat better
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and grow bigger brains and make better tools and kill better food
0:13:02 > 0:13:04and... No, no, no! Not the stick.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Anyway, Homo Erectus is gradually replaced by Homo Heidelbergensis
0:13:08 > 0:13:10who at over 2 metres tall has a very long stride
0:13:10 > 0:13:13which helps him to stroll all the way across into Stone Age Europe.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17He is right handed, like me, has developed a primitive language
0:13:17 > 0:13:18like what done do,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and likes to stab animals with spears which is where we differ.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Nut, gradually, Heidelbergensis evolved into a chap
0:13:23 > 0:13:24you've probably heard of,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Neanderthal man, who's short, squat and awful at running.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30A bit like my second girlfriend who I'd rather forget.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32And Neanderthals have pretty big brains
0:13:32 > 0:13:34but you'd never know it from their hunting technique,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37which is to jump on huge animals and try and wrestle them to death.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38A great spectator sport.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41And what do you know, here comes some spectators.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yes, it's our friend from Africa who has now evolved into...
0:13:44 > 0:13:45..bah, bah, bah, bah, bah!
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Homo Sapiens, just like you and me.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Yes, the search for food has led us up out of Africa and into Europe.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54So now we have both Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens
0:13:54 > 0:13:57in the same place at the same time, fighting for the same food.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58But not for long!
0:13:58 > 0:14:00With better hunting techniques
0:14:00 > 0:14:03and needing less food to fuel their smaller bodies,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Homo Sapiens have the edge and a mere 24,000 years ago,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Neanderthals die out, leaving us, Homo Sapiens, behind.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09So there we have it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Evolution in a nutshell. And what's to say it's stopped there?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Perhaps in the future our thumbs will evolve to text quicker
0:14:14 > 0:14:16or our ears to listen to louder music,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18or maybe Sam will finally develop a way
0:14:18 > 0:14:20to check our emails and do her nails at the same time.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21What do you reckon, Sam?
0:14:25 > 0:14:26No comment.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Argh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Although men evolved from monkeys millions of years ago,
0:14:31 > 0:14:35it wasn't until the Victorian era that the theory of evolution
0:14:35 > 0:14:39was first put forward by a man called Charles Darwin.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# Mmmmm, yeah
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# Mmmmm, yeah
0:14:49 > 0:14:54# People thought all animals arrived here unrelated
0:14:54 > 0:14:58# The world began and then came man All perfectly created
0:14:58 > 0:15:00# But then someone looked up a tree
0:15:02 > 0:15:05# And said that monkey looks just like me
0:15:05 > 0:15:08# So it really was a mystery
0:15:10 > 0:15:13# What I'd learned in natural history
0:15:13 > 0:15:18# So I joined HMS Beagle watched the eagle and the seagull
0:15:18 > 0:15:22# We studied rocks and plants flowers, trees and bees and ants
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Slept on hammocks without pillows
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# Eating rats and armadillos
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# Till I realised on reflection
0:15:30 > 0:15:36# It's natural selection
0:15:38 > 0:15:39# Yeah
0:15:39 > 0:15:44# Natural selection means each animal evolved
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# To blend with its surroundings ch-ch-changes were involved
0:15:48 > 0:15:51# So birds with different foods to seek
0:15:52 > 0:15:56# Seemed to have developed different beaks
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# And over time they'd modified
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# So just the fittest of them all survived
0:16:04 > 0:16:06# On the isles of Galapagos
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# I noted the giant tortoise had interesting shells
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# And I wrote on them as well
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# Iguanas learned at swimming meant my new theory was winning
0:16:16 > 0:16:20# It all lead in the direction
0:16:21 > 0:16:25# Of natural selection
0:16:25 > 0:16:30# My findings met with outrage from the Ch-Ch-Church of England
0:16:30 > 0:16:31# And from me
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# The idea that we came from ch-ch-chimps
0:16:37 > 0:16:39# Questioned my own Christianity
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# But it was hard to disagree
0:16:41 > 0:16:46# Every species, new mutation had a perfect explanation
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# It seemed the world's inception must predate common perception
0:16:50 > 0:16:52# And an lack of adaptation
0:16:52 > 0:16:54# It's a fatal limitation
0:16:54 > 0:16:58# So each creature's imperfection over time gets a correction
0:16:58 > 0:17:02# Meaning animal collections grow unique means of protection
0:17:02 > 0:17:06# And to fail nature's inspection means immediate conjecture
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# Which all leads to the detection
0:17:10 > 0:17:15# Of natural selection
0:17:15 > 0:17:19# Natural selection. #
0:17:34 > 0:17:36- Good morning.- Morning, Lord Sugar.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Are my eyes deceiving me? One of the teams is late.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Nobody's late for my boardroom.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43They'd better be dead, or else I'm going to kill them.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Now, Team Merchant, who was your project manager?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Me, Lord Sugar.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50This task was perfectly simple.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54I gave you 200 gold coins and you had to invest them.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55What did you do with my money?
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Well, we, er, purchased a ship, sailed to the Caribbean
0:17:59 > 0:18:00and bought some sugar.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Sugar's a really expensive item back home in Georgian England.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Plan is, buy it from a Caribbean island,
0:18:06 > 0:18:07ship it home, sell it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Sugar turns a tidy profit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Yeah, well, this Sugar turns a tidy profit an' all.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Karen, how did their little import venture go?
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Er, not so well, Lord Sugar. They were attacked by pirates.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18BANG
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Prepare to be boarded, you scaredy land-lovers.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23You're late. Sit down.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Team Pirates, who was your project manager?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30- I prefer the term captain. - Yeah, well, I prefer the term king,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32but I've got to make do with plain, old lord.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37- So, how were you chosen? - The only way a true pirate can be.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40We had a vote on it and I came out on top.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Have I got mug written across my head?
0:18:42 > 0:18:44In point of fact, Lord Sugar, it's true.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Team Pirate did take a democratic vote
0:18:46 > 0:18:50to see who'd be project manager and Black Bart was elected.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51I did not expect that.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53So, was it your idea, then,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54to attack the merchant ship?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I'd prefer to call it a hostile takeover.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Hostile! I'll say. People were killed.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Well, sometimes in business,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- you do have to be a little bit ruthless, don't you?- Mmm.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07So, who was in charge of your security then?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He was in charge, it was his fault.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh, no, I actually had the vessel fitted out
0:19:11 > 0:19:15with the very latest anti-pirate systems, paintings of cannons.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I could've sworn I just heard you say "paintings of cannons".
0:19:18 > 0:19:20They looked just like the real thing.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22- I told him they wouldn't work. - He didn't.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23I...I did.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24That's a bare-faced lie.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Shut it! Bart and his pirates took over the merchant ship.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Job done, right?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30No, not exactly.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Team Pirate's ship was so full of booty
0:19:33 > 0:19:35they'd taken from other hostile takeovers,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38they didn't have any room on board for Team Merchant's cargo.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Arr, it is true.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44So, we decided to sell back the ship and its cargo to them.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Did you buy it?- If we didn't, they were going to burn the ship.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- They had us over a barrel. - I don't believe this.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Karen, what kind of a profit did Team Merchant turn over?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Well, they ended up buying their ship and cargo twice,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and then, their ship sank on the way back to England,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01so they brought back nothing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Or rather, one small, silver fish.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06And Team Pirate?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09It wasn't just this merchant ship they took over and sold back,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12they actually did the same trick to ten other merchant vessels.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Their profit, 1,000 gold coins.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19So, one team brings back a small fortune,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22the other team brings back a small fish.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26It doesn't take a genius to work out who's going to get fired today.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Arr. If anyone's going to get fired, it be you,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- out of a cannon. - Oh, he's good, isn't he?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35D'you know what, I see a bit of myself in you.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Really?- Yeah.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38You're hired.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Thank you so much. I won't let you down.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55The answer is...
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Despite being a pirate, he was a highly religious man.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18As you may have heard, the signs have been taken down
0:21:18 > 0:21:19from all British railway stations,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22due to the threat of a Nazi invasion.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24In theory, with no place names visible,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27the German paratroopers will have no idea where they've landed.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- Good idea. - I will, however, be announcing
0:21:29 > 0:21:32the name of each station as we approach it.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- Excuse me.- Yes, madam.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- W-What if one of us is German? - Sorry?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40What if there's a German somewhere in the carriage,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42- you'd be telling them where we are. - Good point.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Er, revision to the earlier rule.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Instead of me telling you where we are,
0:21:48 > 0:21:52you shout out where you think we are and I'll cough if you're right.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56But the German will still hear us shouting out the name, won't he?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58All right. Er, new rule.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00If you think you know where we are,
0:22:00 > 0:22:05whisper it to the person next to you and then ask them to pass it along.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08When the whisper reaches me, I will stamp my foot.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Once if your right. TAP
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Twice if you're wrong. TAP TAP
0:22:12 > 0:22:14What if one of us whispers it to the German?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20OK, new rule. Er, ask the person next to you
0:22:20 > 0:22:22to whisper the words to God Save The King.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25If they get them right, they're not German
0:22:25 > 0:22:27and you can whisper the name of the station to them,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30then they can whisper the name to the person next to them.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Provided the person next to you
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- knows the words to God Save The King.- Well, of course.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39- Yes?- I'm not German, but I don't know the words to God Save The King.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43All right. New rule.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47If you think you know the name of the next station,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51write it down on a piece of paper and hand the piece of paper to me.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52If you're right,
0:22:52 > 0:22:57I will whisper the name to the nearest person to me
0:22:57 > 0:22:59who knows the words to God Save The King
0:22:59 > 0:23:02and then they can shout out the name of the...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04No. No, no.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Yes.- I'm ze German.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Would it help if I just got off the train?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Oh. D'you know, that would be marvellous.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17OK, the next station is Coventry.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Coventry, next station.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22It's true.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26At the start of World War II, to confuse enemy German invaders,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28the signs were removed from train stations.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31The signs were removed from roads as well,
0:23:31 > 0:23:33as if driving wasn't hard enough already.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Wouldn't worry me, of course.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38I get my sense of direction from these good, old whiskers. Ha-ha.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Driving in Britain during World War II was a real challenge.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47So much petrol was needed for the war effort
0:23:47 > 0:23:49that it was in very short supply.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Uh-oh, running out of petrol.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55So some cars were re-fitted to run on household gas.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57It was a brilliant idea.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Except, of course, that it required a huge bag.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05And as you used up the gas, the bag started to droop over the windscreen
0:24:05 > 0:24:08which made it very difficult for the driver.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09Good grief, I can't see a thing.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Whoops, whoops. Woah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh, no.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16So, someone had the brilliant idea of building a crate
0:24:16 > 0:24:18to hold the bag in place.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20There, that's much better.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Which, unfortunately, made the car
0:24:23 > 0:24:25very, very heavy.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- Ah, think I'll walk. - Yes, it's probably for the best.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39It was during King Charles II's reign
0:24:39 > 0:24:42that women were allowed to act for the first time
0:24:42 > 0:24:45and soon, there were some brand new stars of the stage.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48This week in Oh Yea! Magazine,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51the Stuart superstar who's the hottest ticket in town.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Yes, it's our Nell Gwynn special.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Read my rags to riches story.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59How I went from being a humble orange seller to a famous actress.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02It's all here, in Oh Yea! Magazine.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05All the hot gossip from the people who knew her best.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I was the manager at the theatre where she used to sell her oranges.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12"Oranges, get your oranges here. What flavour would you like, sir?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14"Orange, orange, orange or orange?
0:25:14 > 0:25:17"I'm afraid we're out of orange." Brilliant.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Read how I got talent spotted
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and became the most celebrated theatre actress
0:25:21 > 0:25:22in the last 20 years.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Given that the Puritans had banned theatre for 20 years,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27there wasn't much competition.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oi, cheeky!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And discover the identity of Nell's secret boyfriend.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34She's the most beautiful and witty of all my subjects.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh, have I given it away?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Secret boyfriend?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Everyone knows I'm going out with King Charles II.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Mind you, most people seem to be going out with King Charles II.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45What can I say? I'm a lady magnet.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And in this week's Oh Yea! Magazine,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50we go totally bananas with our banana competition,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53in which you could win, yes, you've guessed it, a pineapple.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Second prize is a banana.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57For all the juice on your favourite stars,
0:25:57 > 0:25:58it's got to be Oh Yea! Magazine.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Come on, you know you wanna. Ah-ha.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Under Puritan rule, women had not been allowed to act.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08So, all female parts were played by men dressed as women.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11I say, this play's like a panto.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, yes, it is.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Charles II was all in favour of getting actresses on the stage.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Yes, good, old Charles.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21He certainly knew how to entertain people.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Well, do tuck in, Mr Ambassador.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- ITALIAN ACCENT: Are you not going to say grace first?- Yeah.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Party on.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- Amen?- Big time.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Shouldn't we wait for your other guests to sit down first?
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Other guests?- Er.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Oh, them. No, no, no. They're not guests.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44You see, the common man, no offence,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46is allowed to come and watch me, their fabulous king,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49eat his din-dins on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- It's a sort of public performance. - Well, maybe I'll come back
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Tuesday or the Thursday.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55No, no, no, no.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57You don't mind, do you?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01See. Now tuck in, old boy. How is Italy at this time of year?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Well, the area down south is very nice. Er...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Problem?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08I think they are moving closer.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I sincerely doubt it.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Now, you were saying about the beaches.- Yes, the area of Calabria,
0:27:13 > 0:27:14well, it is...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16No, I am sure they are moving closer.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- There's a rope.- Maybe they are moving the rope closer.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Ha-ha-ha. You and your impossible theory.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Now, come on, old sausage, tell me all about Calabria.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Yes, well, it is very small region and, er...
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- No, they're definitely moving closer.- OK.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34There's only one way to sort this out.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Are you lot moving any closer?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37See.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Now, I'll have no more of these groundless accusations...
0:27:42 > 0:27:43This is ridiculous.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Oh, no, no, no. Don't go, you know I hate eating alone.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Party for one, Charlie?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Looks that way, old boy.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Looks that way.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:56 > 0:27:57# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:57 > 0:28:01If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06See you there!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #