0:00:01 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Being religious in the Middle Ages
0:00:39 > 0:00:42could take you on some really big adventures.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46This day will be written in history as the day
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Emico of the Rhineland began the German Crusade to recapture
0:00:49 > 0:00:52the Holy Land in the name of the Pope.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Let us begin.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Oh, you are so brave.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Yeah, I suppose I am.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01In a few weeks I am going to bring you Jerusalem as a gift.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Now then, where is Jerusalem?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13- Erm, the Holy Land? - Yes, but where's the Holy Land?
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Anyone got a map?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Better than that, Sire. I have a goose.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21A goose that can navigate by the stars?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Even better than that.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26It is a goose filled with the Holy Spirit.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- It shall lead the way for us. - OK. Lead on, good Sir Goose.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32WHISPERS: The Holy Land.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35GOOSE HONKS
0:01:41 > 0:01:43GOOSE HONKS
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Well, I never thought I'd become part of a walking metaphor
0:01:48 > 0:01:50but that really was a wild goose chase.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Sorry, Sire. I have failed you.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Not entirely. The goose is delicious.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Any more bright ideas on finding our way?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- My lord, I have the solution! - You have a goat.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Not just any goat.- Here we go...
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It is a goat that is filled...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08- With the Holy Spirit.- Yeah.
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Go on, then. Can't be any more stupid than you lot.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Yes! Lead on, Greg.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Well, Peter, your goat has taken us nowhere near the Holy Land.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25We're in Hungary.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28But at least that isn't an adjective
0:02:28 > 0:02:30that can be used to describe us.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31HE SOBS
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Terrible navigator, but an excellent dinner.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I've eaten a goose filled with the Holy Spirit
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and a goat filled with the Holy Spirit.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I must be morbidly obese with divine wisdom.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I think I'll lead the way now, yeah?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Oi! What about my gift of Jerusalem?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54If you can find it, love, it's yours.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Emico of the Rhineland was in fact a horrible man
0:03:02 > 0:03:05who went around slaughtering people.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Following a goose and goat meant he never made it to the Holy Land
0:03:09 > 0:03:11so he was a bully AND an idiot.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Hi, I'm Dominic Duckworth.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I'm in the Middle Ages for this week's investigation.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Ergh! Which isn't on the state of Middle Ages streets,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27although maybe it should be.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31No, this week I'm investigating the dodgy trade in religious relics.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Can I get some new shoes, please? These ones are caked in it.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I asked one victim of the trade, a Mr Ikbar Nethelbroth,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42to tell us more about religious relics.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Well, they're religious objects which are meant to perform miracles.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49I lost my leg to disease so I went to an abbey
0:03:49 > 0:03:52where they were supposed to have some of the rocks used
0:03:52 > 0:03:54to stone St Stephen to death.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I was told they would help my leg grow back.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01- And did they? - Well, what do you think?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03SPLAT! Are you all right, mate?
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Yes, many of these so-called religious relics are fakes
0:04:09 > 0:04:12used by crooked monks to attract visitors
0:04:12 > 0:04:16who will pay through the nose for their so-called miracles.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Argh! Can I get some wellington boots, please?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21It's starting to seep in.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It's time for Dom to go deep under cover.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Wig-cam at the ready.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Hey, brother. Do you know where a bloke
0:04:33 > 0:04:36can get hold of some religious relics?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Oh, yeah. No problem. You have SO come to the right place.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I've got one for every ailment.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43What are you suffering from, me old mucker?
0:04:43 > 0:04:47- Er, I've got a touch of toothache. - I've got the perfect cure.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51For a small donation, I'll let you rub one of St Apollonia's teeth,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54as knocked out by the Romans before they burnt her alive.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58That's a lot of teeth. Are you sure they're all hers?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Oh, yeah, 'course. She had a big gob on her.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02You'll be telling me next this ain't really
0:05:02 > 0:05:04the head of John the Baptist.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Given that Amiens Cathedral also claims to have his head,
0:05:08 > 0:05:09someone must be lying.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I don't know what you're incinerating, mate.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14None of these so-called religious relics
0:05:14 > 0:05:17are the genuine article, mate. Argh!
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Oh, look. Another St Apollonia tooth,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22unless I'm very much mistaken.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27Oh! Well, today I've learnt a lot about the Middle Ages.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I've learnt that Monks can be dotty and violent,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35their religious relics are not all they're cracked up to be,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39and you shouldn't walk along their streets without suitable footwear.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42SPLAT!
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Oh, really?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Nothing urgent. Just a check-up.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58That's fine. Mr Saxon'll be here in a moment.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Saxon's an unusual name.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Oh, it's not his name. It's the era he's from.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04HE LAUGHS
0:06:04 > 0:06:08Oh, hello there, Mr...Tong.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- May I call you Peter?- Yeah. - So, just a check-up?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Yeah. It shouldn't take too long. I'm in pretty good shape.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Excellent. Well, open wide.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Argh! Argh! Oh, it's like a battlefield in there!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Oh, and what in Woden's name is that?
0:06:24 > 0:06:26- Er, a filling.- A what? Ergh!
0:06:26 > 0:06:30There's another one there! What sort of thing is happening here?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Do you remember we talked about tooth decay, Mr Saxon?
0:06:33 > 0:06:38People's teeth getting damaged by bad diet or poor oral hygiene?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I assumed you were joking. I mean, this is horrific!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- All right! - We don't have this in the Saxon era.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Virtually everyone's teeth are great.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Everyone? No one had false teeth like that?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Argh! He has someone else's tooth in his mouth! He's a monster!
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Save yourself, Mandy!
0:06:56 > 0:06:57He's wonderful...
0:06:57 > 0:07:01but he CAN get a bit shocked about the state of modern mouths.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Would you like me to continue the examination?
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- I have been trained. - Erm, yes please.
0:07:07 > 0:07:13I'll just put this boiled holly leaf into the saucer of water.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Now, if you could just yawn for me.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Were you trained by Mr Saxon by any chance?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20He's the best.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I'm going to go.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- OK. Goodbye, Mr Tong. - Goodbye.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33That's true. 100% accu-rat. Saxons had good teeth.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36When archaeologists discover Saxon skeletons,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38they often have lovely teeth.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Probably because there was a lot less sugar in Saxon diets.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43There's plenty of sugar in my diet.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46I just raided the bins outside the cake shop. Ha-ha!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Anyway, Saxon diets weren't ALWAYS so healthy.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?
0:07:58 > 0:08:02I once ate a chocolate as big as my head.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03He did!
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Starving Saxon, Eebert, comes from a village in Sussex
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and he's preparing some traditional peasant dishes.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Fresh rolls. They look excellent.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- CRACK! - Argh!
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I think I've cracked a tooth!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20These are rock hard, mate.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Thing is, our crops aren't ready until August
0:08:23 > 0:08:24so food's in very short supply.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26We've run out of flour, haven't we?
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Yeah.- Shhh!
0:08:29 > 0:08:30I've had to improvise, using
0:08:30 > 0:08:33ground-up acorns, grasses, nettles and tree bark.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Hopefully your main course will be more edible.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37That IS the main course.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's all we've got, isn't it? Shh!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43Sorry, there's no way you're going through to the next round with those.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46No way on EARTH! What are you looking at?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Five minutes.
0:08:50 > 0:08:5311 minutes.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Faced with being thrown out of the competition,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Eebert is having to rethink his miniscule menu.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Now that's what I call fresh meat!
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Where did you get the chicken, mate?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Er, I swapped it with the Lord of the manor.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- For what?- My son. The boy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11What? You can't swap your child for a chicken!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- That's terrible! - I know, I feel awful.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I'm so ashamed. I mean, he's worth at least a goat, right?
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Oh, well, guess we're stuck with it. Ouch! He pecked me! No!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23No dramas, mate. Can we get a plaster here, please?
0:09:23 > 0:09:26You don't understand. It's a well-known Saxon superstition.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29You can't eat a chicken for three weeks after it pecks a human.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Oh well, looks like we're back to plan A.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- Anyone for a bread roll? - Cheers, yeah.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- CRACK! - Argh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39You literally never learn.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40No...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Eebert, your starter, your main and your desserts
0:09:45 > 0:09:48were tree bark rolls, which are inedible.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51And, as if your food wasn't criminal enough,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53you swapped your own son for a chicken
0:09:53 > 0:09:55which may have been legal in Saxon times
0:09:55 > 0:09:57but today certainly isn't.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Argh! Er, argh!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01For that reason, I've phoned the authorities.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05The next meal you will be tasting will be prison food.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07They've got food?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oh, well then, lock me up, mate! Lock me up!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- CRACK! - Argh!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14What is wrong with you, mate?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23One of our famous Greek thinkers was called Socrates.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28His sharp mind got him into trouble and he was sentenced to death.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Luckily, he had some very determined friends.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Halt! Who goes there?
0:10:35 > 0:10:38No one, if you were to look the other way.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Are you trying to bribe a prison guard?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45You insult my honour, you insult...yeah, all right.
0:10:45 > 0:10:46This is the key to the cells.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49And this is the key to the baths, should you want one.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52My name's Cliff. Just give us a shout if you need anything.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55(WHISPERING) He's in here. There he is.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Socrates, quick. Follow us!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Why?- We're rescuing you.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04- Why?- Because you've been sentenced to death.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Why?- Partly because you keep saying 'why', which is really annoying,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11especially for people with little kids, cos they get it all the time.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Only by asking why can one get to the real truth.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17It's the Socratic method. It's got my name on it.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20That's also why they've condemned you to death,
0:11:20 > 0:11:22They've accused you of corrupting Athens' youth
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and disrespecting the Gods.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Why?- Not now, master! We're here to rescue you.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- I don't want to be rescued. - Why?- Don't you start.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Master, you must come with us,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35for in the morning, you are to drink this poisonous hemlock.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Look, no real philosopher fears death.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42If you rescue me people will still find me really annoying.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- I'll end up in prison again. - He has got a point.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48You may be the greatest philosopher who ever lived,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50but you are SO annoying!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Why?- I think you've just answered that question.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Why?- Seriously, I've had it up to here with you.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- Why?- Right, where's that hemlock?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59I'm going to kill him myself.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- We're supposed to be rescuing him. - Why? Argh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06THEY SCREAM HE GULPS HEMLOCK
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Socrates really did refuse to be rescued.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11He was nicknamed The Gadfly
0:12:11 > 0:12:14because he would annoy people and not go away.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17The best way to deal with gadflies, of course,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19is to make gadfly soup.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23Waiter, there's none of your flies in my soup!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27And Socrates wasn't the only famous Greek thinker.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31# Here we come, through the market square
0:12:31 > 0:12:36# With our funny clothes and hair
0:12:36 > 0:12:40# Aristotle and Socrates Plato and Diogenes
0:12:40 > 0:12:45# Four fab scholars with our Greek philosophies
0:12:45 > 0:12:49# Hey hey, we're the thinkers
0:12:49 > 0:12:54# Wondering what life is for
0:12:54 > 0:12:58# We're paid to try and think up
0:12:58 > 0:13:03# The answer to that and more
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# People found me irritating
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# Thanks to my interrogating
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Like a toddler, was always asking why
0:13:13 > 0:13:15# What is wisdom, what is beauty?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18# What is nature, what is duty?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22# Taught everything I know to this next guy
0:13:22 > 0:13:24# I'm Plato, was his pupil thinker
0:13:24 > 0:13:27# Ended up with inky fingers
0:13:27 > 0:13:30# Writing every word he taught me down
0:13:30 > 0:13:33# Also had my own the-ory
0:13:33 > 0:13:36# Like for everything that we see
0:13:36 > 0:13:40# There's a perfect version to be found, oooh!
0:13:40 > 0:13:44# Hey hey, we're the thinkers
0:13:44 > 0:13:49# Mega brainy Ancient Greeks
0:13:49 > 0:13:53# We're always busy thinking
0:13:53 > 0:13:58# Cos the truth is what we seek
0:13:59 > 0:14:04# My name is Diogenes I'm not one to say thanks or please
0:14:04 > 0:14:07# Hug statues and walk barefoot in the snow
0:14:07 > 0:14:09# Never believed in possessions
0:14:09 > 0:14:12# Thought they gave the wrong impression
0:14:12 > 0:14:15# Put faith in total freedom, don't you know?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19# I studied at Plato's academy
0:14:19 > 0:14:21# Taught Alex the Great, I know everything, me
0:14:21 > 0:14:25# Intrigued by the world, wanted to show it all
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# I took all their theories higher
0:14:28 > 0:14:32# Discovered water, ether, earth, air and fire
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# Learned every science, I'm Mr Know-It-All
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# Hey hey, we're the thinkers
0:14:38 > 0:14:43# Very witty, very wise
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# No one can hoodwink us
0:14:48 > 0:14:53# We are Athens' brainiest guys
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# Not everyone likes smarties, though
0:14:56 > 0:14:58# Even Socrates had his foe
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- # When tried for treason he simply said...- Why?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05# They sentenced him to drink Hemlock
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- # He said...- You know, if I take stock
0:15:08 > 0:15:11# I am annoying, I'll take that and die
0:15:12 > 0:15:16# Hey hey, we're the thinkers
0:15:16 > 0:15:20# Politicians gave us strife
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# But we don't give a tinkers
0:15:24 > 0:15:30# Cos we taught them all of our lives
0:15:30 > 0:15:35# Oooooh. #
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Henry VIII famously married six times,
0:15:43 > 0:15:47but his daughter, Elizabeth I, never got married at all.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Oh!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Another smallpox scar!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Just what I need when I'm looking for a suitor.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01RINGING
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Ah! Cecil, my loyal adviser. What does he want?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Your majesty, I bring tragic news. You should check your emails.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Amy Dudley, wife of Robert Dudley,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14has been found dead at the bottom of her stairs.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Oh ho! Oh, that is absolutely...
0:16:17 > 0:16:20..oh, awful. Awful news.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23This isn't anything to do with your majesty, is it?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I know you are rather fond of Robert.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I don't know what you are talking about, Cecil.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32Just as well. Dudley is not good enough for your majesty.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34If the Tudor line is to continue, your majesty
0:16:34 > 0:16:37is simply going to have to keep looking for a husband.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Oh, you're right, Cecil, as usual.
0:16:39 > 0:16:45Right, let's see if there've been any views of my online dating profile.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I have rejected a few, haven't I?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- Indeed, Ma'am. - COMPUTER: Ye got mail!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Ooh! Oh, yippee!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- I've got to go, Cec. Lots of love.- But, er...
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Your majesty, did you get my email?
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I've built you a garden at Kenilworth.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- Yes, Robert, I love it. It's perfect.- I'm so pleased!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Although, it is a little far to the left.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Could you move it over a bit?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Er, you want me to move the entire garden?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23I only want you to move it a few feet.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- I'm hardly being unreasonable. - Of course, Ma'am.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32It's such a shame Cecil says I can't marry Robert.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35He's such a sweetie. Right, who have we got?
0:17:35 > 0:17:37No, no. Too French.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Sir Francis Drake. Oh, no. No, no, no.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45That goatee, pu-lease. It's so 1558.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47There must be somebody.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52COMPUTER BUZZES
0:17:52 > 0:17:54RINGING Oh, Walter Raleigh!
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Walter!- Your majesty.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I do hope I'm not disturbing you.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02No, I always have time for an eligible bachelor
0:18:02 > 0:18:03such as your handsome self.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Well, funny you should say that
0:18:06 > 0:18:09because I was just calling to inform your majesty
0:18:09 > 0:18:11of my intentions to marry Bess Throckmorton.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15What? Sling your hook! You're blocking my line!
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Maybe Dudley will just have to do. Yuck!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22PING! What? Again? To who?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Lettice Knollys!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Ergh! What on earth would have led Robert
0:18:29 > 0:18:32to develop a taste for Lettice? SLAP!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34RINGING
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Any luck securing the Tudor lineage, your majesty?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41No, Cecil and I'm just about ready to give up.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Hang on...
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Robert Devereux. Ha-ha! I might have spoken too soon!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49The Earl of Essex?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- And he's just emailed me! - Oh, that's excellent news.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Wait a minute, this email is about a rebellion!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59He's planning to overthrow me, Cecil!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And the fool has CC'd me in by accident.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Off with his head!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Let's not be too hasty.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09You must find a husband
0:19:09 > 0:19:11or the Tudor lineage is finished.
0:19:11 > 0:19:15- The truth is, I am already married. - Really, your majesty?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- To whom?- To England.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Well said, Ma'am. And with that, I bid you adieu.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Oh, she's really lost it.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28I'm still here, Cecil.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Erm, er, what I meant was, erm...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Elizabeth had Walter and his new wife, Bess,
0:19:50 > 0:19:52imprisoned in the Tower of London.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Hi! I'm a shouty man, and I'm here to tell you about the new
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Great Western Railway, the Victorian Transport Revolution.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Tired of the busy London life?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Always got your nose to the grindstone?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Then why not take a trip to the Great West Country
0:20:13 > 0:20:17on one of the Great Western Railway's conveniently timetabled services.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18We're moving! I haven't paid!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Oh, I thought it left at 1 o'clock!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Ah, yes, but do you mean 1 o'clock
0:20:23 > 0:20:26London time, Swindon time, or Bristol time?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I'm confused.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29It's perfectly complicated!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Towns along the route use slightly different time zones
0:20:32 > 0:20:35so not everyone agrees what time it is.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37TRAIN WHISTLES
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Thanks to the completion of the groundbreaking Box railway tunnel
0:20:41 > 0:20:45just outside Bath, you can now travel from loud London
0:20:45 > 0:20:48to beautiful Bristol in just four hours!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51And what a journey it is. You can take in the fresh, country air.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Agh! Soot in my eyes!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56And take a comfort break in stunning Swindon.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58There are no facilities on the train.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Where are the toilets, please?
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Ladies down that end, gents down that end.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- On the platform? - Good a place as any.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Though it can get a bit splashy.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Aargh!
0:21:09 > 0:21:13And enjoy a bowl of fresh soup in our delightful cafe.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Train departs in one minute! >
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Agh! This soup is too hot to drink quickly!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Which means lots of leftovers to go back in the pot for tomorrow.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25This lot's been going round for weeks.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26All aboard! >
0:21:26 > 0:21:30All of which means you'll arrive in Bristol
0:21:30 > 0:21:32relaxed, revived, and carefree.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- Good journey, sir? - What do you think?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37The Great Western Railway.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- It's not great! - It is great. Ignore him.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It is, it is.
0:21:41 > 0:21:47It's true. The time was not the same in every town in Britain until 1840.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50And even after that, different towns had complicated clocks
0:21:50 > 0:21:54with three or four hands to show different times in different places.
0:21:54 > 0:22:00"What's the time?" Time to get a new clock, mate! Ha-ha!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- KNOCKING ON DOOR - Yes, yes, all right!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08All right, I'm coming.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Yes?- Postman, ma'am.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Right.- That's tuppence for the delivery, please.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Oh, right, fine.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Charge it to my account. - Will do. Have a nice...
0:22:17 > 0:22:18day.
0:22:18 > 0:22:19Honestly...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- KNOCKING ON DOOR - Come on!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Postman, madam.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25But you were just here.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28More post, I'm afraid. Tuppence for the delivery, please.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Fine. Charge it to my account.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33On the account, OK. Have a nice...day.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Cheek of the...
0:22:34 > 0:22:37- KNOCKING ON DOOR - I am going...
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Why won't you leave me alone?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Well, that's the joy of the Victorian postal service, madam.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Up to 12 deliveries a day come rain or shine
0:22:44 > 0:22:47and all for a reasonable charge.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Tuppence, yes, I know. Charge it to my account.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51On the account, madam.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52He is driving me...
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- KNOCKING ON DOOR - Right!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Tuppence! Account! Go!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- No charge, madam.- No charge?
0:23:00 > 0:23:04That's right. You see, we've just introduced a new penny post system
0:23:04 > 0:23:08whereby the person posting the letter pays for the delivery in advance,
0:23:08 > 0:23:09with these postage stamps,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11which are a penny each.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13So I no longer have to pay for letters I receive?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Precisely! And if you install a letter-sized flap
0:23:16 > 0:23:19in your front door, I won't need to bother you at all.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21All together a much less disruptive postal service,
0:23:21 > 0:23:22I'm sure you'll agree.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Absolutely. Well, thank you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Thank you. Have a nice day.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- You too. Bye-bye. - Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Well, I must say,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I've been very critical of the postal service in the past.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39They seem to have sorted out their act.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Annual bill for postal charges on account.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46How much??
0:23:46 > 0:23:49You! Come back here!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Hello, and welcome to New Home Abroad,
0:23:59 > 0:24:02the property programme that relocates couples
0:24:02 > 0:24:04to a new life in a different country.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Today I'm with Vikings Sven and Olga,
0:24:07 > 0:24:11who want to move from their house in Iceland to a new home in England.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15So why do you want to move?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19- Because it's very cold here. - And our house is rubbish.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Can we have a look at it? - You ARE looking at it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24You live in a small hill.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Well, we've had it all hollowed out
0:24:26 > 0:24:28and all of the grass and earth on top keeps us warm.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Come inside. We've got a fire.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34THEY COUGH
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Bit smoky, isn't it?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yeah, there's a problem with the windows.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- What's that?- There aren't any.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Oh, what's that smell? - That'll be the cow poo.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47It makes very good fuel for fire. It does stink, though.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52So to recap, inside your home it's dark, smelly, and smoky
0:24:52 > 0:24:57and outside, it's freezing. I can see why you want to move!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And we've found you a dream home in sunny England.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Oh!- England?- England!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06So Sven and Olga pack up their axes and pillaging gear
0:25:06 > 0:25:09and sail across the North Sea to their new home abroad.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Now this is Mike and Trudy,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18a couple of humble English peasants.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20How do you like their home?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- Where is all the smoke? - There isn't any.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24There's a hole in the roof.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- Oh!- Oh, hole in roof!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29And there is no foul stench.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Not much of one.- OK, we'll take it!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Great! Let's discuss the price.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Oh, no, no, no. We are Vikings. We'll just take it.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42What are you doing, guys? Don't kill them!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- You're right. - Perhaps we have been a little hasty.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48After all, we're going to need a couple of slaves.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50HE LAUGHS
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Well, that's it this week from New Home Abroad.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Join us next week when Sven and Olga's friends
0:25:55 > 0:25:58will be invading the whole of the north of England.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59See you then.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06Yeah, we Vikings liked it over in Britain and we were here to stay.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08In fact, it wasn't long before
0:26:08 > 0:26:11there were Vikings ruling England, like King Canute.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19OK, shoot.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23This movie will be based on the epic story of my life.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Canute, Danish King of England.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Danish? Uh-oh!- Subtitles.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Not going to work.- Won't work.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Couldn't you be the English King of Denmark?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34No, I'm the Danish King of England
0:26:34 > 0:26:36and of Denmark. And of Norway, actually.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Weren't you the guy who thought he could turn back the tide
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- but ended up getting his feet wet? - Here we go...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44- Uh-oh! Soggy socks.- I hate that!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46How about instead of King Canute,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- King Dumb?- Great title.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50King Dumb and Queen Dumber. It's a sequel.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I wasn't dumb! I didn't believe I could turn back the tide.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I was making a point to my followers.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00They thought that I was so powerful that even the seas obeyed me.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05I was just proving to them that only God can command the tides.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Ah!- So everybody else was dumb? World of Dumb.- Genius!
0:27:08 > 0:27:11In a world where everyone was dumb, King Dumb was the dumbest.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Jim Carrey.- Jim Carrey!- Agh!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16No, this movie is about how one brave, wise,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20reasonably attractive warrior united three kingdoms
0:27:20 > 0:27:22with the power of his sword.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23Everyone feared him.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26The Warrior King who brought peace.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29This summer, Canute the Great!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Canute the Great Big Idiot.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Subtitle?- King Dumb - Canute the Great Big Idiot.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37King Dumb Canute The Great Big Idiot Tour. It's a franchise.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40D'you know what? I'm going to take this somewhere else so...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43- It's actually the other way.- Laters!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45- THUNK! - Oh!
0:27:45 > 0:27:46That guy's hilarious!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- He's comedy.- Funny, funny guy.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts #
0:27:52 > 0:27:53If you enjoyed that,
0:27:53 > 0:27:58why not play the new ADBC Time Tour music game?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Go to the CBBC website,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Rock on!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #