0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'm from the Greek city state of Sparta,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42famous for its flower-growers and painters.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Ha-ha! I'm doing a joke!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45It was famous for its warriors
0:00:45 > 0:00:49and our ground-breaking fighting formations.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Go, Sparta!
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Men of Sparta, you are the finest fighters in the known world.
0:00:57 > 0:01:02Soon the battlefield will run red with the enemy's blood.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04ALL: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Form the phalanx.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11Your hoplite shield is a symbol of our warrior bond,
0:01:11 > 0:01:16for not only does it protect you, it protects the man beside you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Spartans, are you ready for war?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21ALL: Hoorah!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Uh...General?
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What is it?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Well, um, my shield's protecting him, but I'm at the left end
0:01:30 > 0:01:33of the phalanx and there's no shield protecting me.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34I feel a bit exposed.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Haven't got time for this,
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- we're late for battle as it is. - Well, I was thinking,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40maybe if I just went to the other end of the line,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- I'd be better covered. - All right, then, go on, then.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Nice one!- Now, is everybody happy?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Yes, go on, then.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59If you must.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yeah, all right.
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Can of worms, this, isn't it?
0:02:06 > 0:02:07HE LAUGHS
0:02:07 > 0:02:11The Spartan warriors were, of course, famously brave,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14but it's true that the man on the end was less protected,
0:02:14 > 0:02:15and because of this,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18phalanx formations used to drift to the right when they charged
0:02:18 > 0:02:21as everyone tried to get behind their neighbour's shield.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24And here's the story of a famous Spartan general.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26CRASHING
0:02:26 > 0:02:31'The movie event the world has been waiting for since 470 BC.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34'The epic tale of Spartan General Pausanius.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37'A story of honour.'
0:02:37 > 0:02:39General Pausanius, a message from the elders.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41You are to return to Sparta at once.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45You are accused of dishonourably siding with the enemy.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48How dare they accuse me of siding with the Persians?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Just for that, I'm going to side with the Persians.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54'Oh, no, it's not a story of honour.'
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Take this to King Xerxes.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It is of vital importance
0:02:58 > 0:03:01and must only be opened by the Persian king himself.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Yes, sir, I will guard it with my life.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07'Pausanius, a story of loyalty.'
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Thinking about it, none of the messengers
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Pausanius sends to King Xerxes ever seems to come back.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Hm. Might just have a quick peek at what this letter says.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18'Hold on, you shouldn't be reading that.'
0:03:18 > 0:03:22"Let's join forces against Sparta. Can I marry your daughter?"
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Hang on! "Once you have read this letter, kill the messenger."
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Right, that's it, I'm going to show this to the Spartan elders.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Honestly, you think you know someone!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34'So it's not a story of loyalty, then.'
0:03:34 > 0:03:36The Spartans are coming for me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I know, I'll hide in the Temple of Athena.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41It is holy ground, they can't touch me there.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44'Pausanius, a story of cunning.'
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I'm in the temple, can't touch me.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No, but we can brick up the entrances with you inside.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Men, seal the doors, let him starve to death.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Got to be honest, didn't think of that.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59'Pausanius, a story of...bricklaying, apparently.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01'A movie event not to be missed,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04'unless, of course, you're like totally bricked inside a temple.'
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Rub in, why don't you? Rub it in.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09'Rated C for Confusing.'
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? The Middle Ages.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27It's 1064 and the Norman Conquest is well under way.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31No, that can't be right, the Norman Conquest was 1066.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Oh, there were lots of other Norman Conquests.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38They conquered Southern Italy, they conquered Cyprus,
0:04:38 > 0:04:42they conquered parts of Greece and they conquered the Holy Land.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44That's what you call a game of conkers!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Mike Peabody is with them as they try to conquer Sicily. Mike.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Thanks, Sam. I'm here at the siege of Palermo in Sicily,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55where the Norman Army look set to take the city.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I'm hoping to get a word with their commander,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Sir Robert Guiscard, and ask him what makes the Normans
0:05:02 > 0:05:05the most fearsome fighters in all of medieval Christendom.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Sir Robert, how's it going?
0:05:07 > 0:05:09We have taken the high ground.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12It's the perfect position from where to attack the city,
0:05:12 > 0:05:13but there are problems.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15And what are they?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Ah, ooh, ooh! The whole place is crawling with spiders. Ooh, ooh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Sir Robert, perhaps you should save the victory dance
0:05:21 > 0:05:23until after you've actually won the battle.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Oh, no, no, this is for the bite. Yes, it can be fatal.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29The locals believe the only way to cure it is by dancing.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Does that work? - There's no harm in trying.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Ow! Ow! I see what you mean.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- Yes, you might want to...er... - Oh. Oh, OK.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38This looks like a disaster, Sir Robert.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Most of your soldiers have been bitten by spiders.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43No, no, I haven't, I just like dancing.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Right. And what's the second problem?
0:05:45 > 0:05:50Cacti. The whole place is covered in cacti. Argh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Would you mind terribly?- Not at all.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54- Ah, ah, ooh.- Well, at least it can't get any worse.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Not only does the bite have a good chance of killing you,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- it also has another effect. - What's that?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01BREAKS WIND Oh! Oh!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I'm so sorry. The bites also cause severe attacks of wind.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Those are the only attacks that will happen today!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07I'm calling the battle off!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10SIR ROBERT BREAKS WIND Oh. Well, there we have it.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13The greatest soldiers in the Middle Ages
0:06:13 > 0:06:17defeated by cacti and a load of spiders, and of course some...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19SOLDIERS BREAK WIND Oh, dear.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22So this is Mike Peabody, at the siege of Palermo,
0:06:22 > 0:06:26really wishing he was somewhere else, somewhere a lot less windy.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29HE LAUGHS
0:06:29 > 0:06:34They should make a show out of that, Strictly Come Dancing And Farting!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37If you listen carefully, that's what some of the celebs do anyway. Hmm.
0:06:37 > 0:06:42Now, as we all know, the Normans went on to invade England in 1066.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47But did you know what actually won them the Battle of Hastings?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true
0:06:53 > 0:06:56# Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:06:56 > 0:06:59# Hope next time it's not you Ha-hee! #
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Next!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Ooh, goody! Two for the price of one. Ooh, 1066!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06MIMICS BUZZER Battle of Hastings.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Shouldn't one of you have an arrow through his eye?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Oh, right, cos...yeah...!
0:07:10 > 0:07:11Neither of us are King Harold, actually.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14No, we're King Harold's brothers. I'm Gyrth.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- And I'm Leofwine. - Oh, King Harold's brothers.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18If your deaths are half as stupid as your names,
0:07:18 > 0:07:21we're in for a real cracker! HE LAUGHS
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Proceed.- So, basically, it was the day of the battle
0:07:24 > 0:07:26and us Saxons had taken the high ground
0:07:26 > 0:07:28and were looking down on the invading army.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Our brother, King Harold, had lined up with his housecarls,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34which are the elite Saxon warriors. We were in charge of the fyrdmen.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38So Leofwind and Gwurthrun are in charge of the freurdmen?
0:07:38 > 0:07:41The fyrdmen. It's soldiers who haven't got that much armour,
0:07:41 > 0:07:43but make up for it with their enthusiasm.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Oh, they have got so much enthusiasm.- Yeah.- It's epic!
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Anyway, the Norman cavalry attacked our Saxon shield wall.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Three, two, one! - BOTH: Shield wall! Yeah.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56And faced with a wall of spears and swords and axes
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- and spears and stuff, they had no choice but to just flee.- Yeah.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Saxons - one, Normans - nil.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And then we charged down the hill with our fyrdmen
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- to finish off the Normans. - BOTH: Yeah!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Well, it turns out their fleeing was just a trick
0:08:11 > 0:08:15and they turned round and their cavalry attacked us.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18So now you no longer have the upper ground?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20We didn't have the shield wall either, cos we'd broken rank.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Yeah. They ripped us to pieces, actually.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- But fair play to them. - No, seriously fair play.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- They really gave it a good battle. - I'd say, in a sort of battle report,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31- I'd probably give them nine.- Yeah. - And then I'd give us probably six.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33So let me get this straight,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35the Normans were losing until you two ran down the hill,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37causing the end of your brother, King Harold,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39the end of Saxon rule in England,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42and, in fact, the end of the Saxon era altogether?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Yeah, in a nutshell, yeah. - HE LAUGHS
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Ooh, hey! You caused this. The end of an- ear-a!
0:08:49 > 0:08:51HE LAUGHS BOTH: What?
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I'm wasted on these idiots. You're through to the afterlife.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Cheers, mate.- Yeah.- He's a good bloke.- And hurry up about it.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Noose Women's about to start. Did you hear what I said then?
0:09:01 > 0:09:05I said Noose Women instead of Loose Women. Oh, you heard?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Well, laughing wouldn't kill you. Not now, anyway!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Next!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:09:12 > 0:09:15# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo! #
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Yes, after our victory at the Battle of Hastings,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21we Normans changed England for ever.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23We even changed the way people spoke.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Bam ba-bam!
0:10:08 > 0:10:10HE GASPS
0:10:19 > 0:10:21In 1607, settlers sailed across the Atlantic
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and set up the first English colony in North America.
0:10:25 > 0:10:30'Previously on Colonisation, Colonisation, Colonisation.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32'After a voyage lasting almost five months,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36'104 English adventurers finally arrive in America.'
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Huh! Wet stockings, I hate that.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42'They're here to find gold. They're to make history.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44'They're here to settle in America.'
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Well, this is our first night on American soil
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- and we've discovered a river. - BUZZING
0:10:52 > 0:10:54And mosquitoes. Plenty of mosquitoes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56We'll need to find a name for the river, though,
0:10:56 > 0:11:00something that the King of England, King James, will approve of.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Um...
0:11:04 > 0:11:09Ah, good name, the King'll like it. We shall build our town here.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11- Splendid. - BUZZING
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Oi!- Mosquito.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Oh. Oh, thanks, I think.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18So what are we going to call our town, then?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21We should give it a name that King James would approve of.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23BOTH: Hmm...
0:11:23 > 0:11:27'The settlers have all built their homes in Jamestown,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29'but was it such a good choice of location?'
0:11:29 > 0:11:31This is such a lovely spot,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I wonder why the native Indians don't live here.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- It could be something to do with the swamp.- Yes, could be the swamp.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Could be the lack of drinkable water.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Yes, could be the lack of drinkable water.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Or it could be the... - Ow!- ..mosquitoes.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Oh, well, least none of us have caught any nasty fevers.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Me and my big mouth.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56'Looks like Jamestown is going to need a new sign writer.'
0:11:56 > 0:11:58You there, have you made the sign for the fort?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Yes, sir, and I took the liberty of naming it after myself.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04You can't do that, what's your name?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- James.- Probably fine.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07'All is not well
0:12:07 > 0:12:09'for the settlers of Jamestown.'
0:12:09 > 0:12:13'Fever, angry locals and starvation have all taken their toll.'
0:12:13 > 0:12:17I don't care about finding gold any more, I just want food.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Poor Dobbin.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Yeah, I saw him this morning.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I think he knew he was going to be eaten.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Oh, really, what makes you say that? - He had a long face.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Mosquito?- Nm-mm, bad joke.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37'Next week, on Colonisation, Colonisation, Colonisation...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39'the settlers look to relocate.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:42I asked the locals if we could have some of their nice, non-swampy land.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- What did they say? - I think it was a no.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49'And the food situation gets critical.'
0:12:49 > 0:12:51What's for supper, darling wife?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- It's poo.- Come, come, now, I'm sure it's not that bad.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58No, no. It's poo. It's a mixture of human and animal excrement.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It's all we had left. Now, do you want something to drink?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I'm guessing no?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11The settlers at Jamestown really were so hungry
0:13:11 > 0:13:14they turned to eating poo.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Everyone knows you shouldn't eat poo, you should wash in it.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20In 1620, it was the turn of the Pilgrim Fathers
0:13:20 > 0:13:22to settle in America.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35# We're the Pilgrim Fathers You may have heard rather
0:13:35 > 0:13:38# A lot 'bout our notion Crossing the ocean
0:13:38 > 0:13:40# On the good ship Mayflower Though it's true
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Our journey turned into Quite a commotion
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# People report that We sported these hats
0:13:46 > 0:13:48# But that's not true I mean, would you?
0:13:48 > 0:13:52# Anyway, the main thing to say We began the USA
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# Our little band of religion fans From the East Midlands
0:13:55 > 0:13:59# We all believed slowly That England was becoming less holy
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# So set off for Holland Cos there we had friends
0:14:02 > 0:14:04# But in the end Seemed the Netherlands
0:14:04 > 0:14:06# Would never be The land we'd planned
0:14:06 > 0:14:08# Couldn't stand to remain On that terrain
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# So again we re-arranged
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# To start a new nation With our congregation
0:14:13 > 0:14:14# A new and calmer life
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# Took a farmer and a builder and his wife
0:14:17 > 0:14:19# And a cleric-ah To find Americah
0:14:19 > 0:14:23# Oh, it's a new world
0:14:23 > 0:14:26# It wasn't new to the Natives
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# Still we thought we'd claim it
0:14:29 > 0:14:31# Yeah, it's the New World
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# I still remember ninth of November
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# The year 1620 And we saw plenty of land
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# We thanked God When we found ground at Cape Cod
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- # But it didn't go as planned - Couldn't land on the sand
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# A month later, though, we made it
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# New Plymouth, man, we claimed it
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# The natives said not But ran when we shot
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# Moved there, it proved, yeah That life would be tough
0:14:55 > 0:14:58# Cos we didn't have enough Of the right stuff
0:14:58 > 0:15:01# Did you know? Had no seeds we could grow
0:15:01 > 0:15:03# Although William Mullins had stacked
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# 126 pairs of shoes in his pack Now, that's whack
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# A fishing rod, a plough A pig or a cow
0:15:10 > 0:15:12# Would have been a much better idea
0:15:12 > 0:15:14# But now there's no food For us to eat
0:15:14 > 0:15:18# Does this mean That we'll meet with defeat?
0:15:18 > 0:15:22# No fun in the New World
0:15:22 > 0:15:28# I'm glad we've arrived here But will we survive here?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30# Yeah, in the New World
0:15:30 > 0:15:32# People were starving Our numbers halving
0:15:32 > 0:15:36# When the winter winds blew Even fewer lived through
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# It wasn't pretty in our new city
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# But the natives took pity Even though they didn't have to
0:15:41 > 0:15:43# A man called Squanto Showed us how to grow maize
0:15:43 > 0:15:47# Catch eel for a meal Build shelter in the bays
0:15:47 > 0:15:49# Tribe gave us a feast Our starvation ceased
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# In 1621, what they had done
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# Turned us back from the dead to the living
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# And to this day that's why we have Thanksgiving
0:15:56 > 0:16:01# In Massachusetts Built a colony, it's true
0:16:01 > 0:16:06# They say modern America Was founded by our crew
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# It's a new world
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# But we can't call it England
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# Let's call it New England
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# Yeah, it's a new world
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# My home was in Plymouth Let's call this New Plymouth
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# I got an idea Let's call this New Hampshire
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# Way, I'm from Newcastle Can we call it New Newcastle?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# Nah
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# It's a new world. #
0:16:38 > 0:16:42During World War II, Germany was ruled by Adolf Hitler,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46who was so mean even his own guards were afraid of him.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- I have an urgent message for the Fuhrer.- He is asleep, I'm afraid.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Well, I think we should wake him up. - Wake up Adolf Hitler? Are you mad?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- The Fuhrer is to sleep until midday. - Those are our orders.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- Ja, but this is important. - Nothing is more important
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- than the Fuhrer's orders. - Well, I think this might be.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08HE LAUGHS
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Nein, he is to sleep.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Ja, otherwise he gets very grumpy.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Well, more grumpy than usual.- Ja.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I don't care how grumpy he gets. He must be woken up!
0:17:19 > 0:17:23The invasion has come. There are tanks rolling towards us as we speak.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Tanks?- Well then, Rommel can deal with it, it's his job.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Rommel is here in Berlin. It's his wife's birthday.- There we are, then!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- If Rommel is here, then it can't be that serious.- No, dummkopf!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36If Rommel is here, it means no-one knew the invasion was coming!
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Don't you understand? Unless we act fast we might lose the war!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So let me get this straight. You want me to go in there
0:17:43 > 0:17:46and wake up Mr Grumpy Pants...?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48"What are you doing? I issued orders to sleep until 12!"
0:17:48 > 0:17:52..and tell him that unless he wakes up we are going to lose the war?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Ja! BOTH LAUGH
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Listen, don't worry about it. There are tanks down there.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02The tanks are not moving, they are waiting for orders!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Then Rommel can give them orders.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06We must have orders from the Fuhrer himself!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09You still don't get it, do you?
0:18:09 > 0:18:12No, it is you who doesn't get it, Mr Man.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15If I go in there and wake up the Fuhrer before midday,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- he will... Well, he will... - Ooh, he'll...
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Well, he will get in such a paddy!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Such a paddy he'll get in.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26I don't care about the paddy!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29If we don't wake him up, we will lose the war!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35The Fuhrer is awake, and he has issued his order.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Give that to me! Honestly!
0:18:38 > 0:18:43Marmalade on toast und apple strudel. What is this?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44It's his breakfast order.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46And it must be acted on immediately.
0:18:52 > 0:18:53'The German U-boat.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56'Sleek, silent, fast, deadly.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59'It was the perfectly designed fighting machine.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03'Well, I say perfectly designed, it was fitted with a very complicated
0:19:03 > 0:19:05'high-pressure toilet system.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09'During World War II, one U-boat captain went to the toilet
0:19:09 > 0:19:12'and tried to flush it, but pulled the wrong lever.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Captain, what have you done?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Oh, ja, you may want to leave it a while.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22'Rather than flush his sewage out, he'd opened the wrong valve
0:19:22 > 0:19:25'and let raw sewage and sea water in.'
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Oh, das is not good.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30'It seeped into the engine room, mixed with chemical batteries,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'and produced a lethal gas.'
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I smell noxious gas.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Yeah, I think that gas is just me.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Oh, no, hold on. No, no, no, that one isn't.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43'The sub had no choice but to surface 12 miles off Scotland.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48'It was instantly spotted and had to surrender to the British.'
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Uh, it's supposed to be a white flag, only...
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Well, it's a long story, sorry.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- That's 100%- accu-rat!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01The captain destroyed his own U-boat by using the loo.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Not so much a red alert as a brown alert.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05HE LAUGHS
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Sorry.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Two types of early man, Homo Sapiens
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and Neanderthal, were very different,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21especially when it came to hunting.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26GRUNTING AND GROANING
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Right, good morning. Good morning! Could we settle down, please?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Tell you what, I've had some primitive characters
0:20:34 > 0:20:39around this table over the years, but you lot take the flaming biscuit!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Two words for ya. Beard trimmers.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Boardroom presentation is 50% of the battle, and you lot look like
0:20:45 > 0:20:48you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Actually, Sugar, me have. By mega bear.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55It's Lord Sugar to you! But thank you, that explains it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Now, in business you need that killer instinct.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00So your task was to go out hunting.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Team Neanderthal, who was your project manager?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Uh, Grunt was project manager. - And was he any good?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- What do you think? Hmm. Him dead. - What a mess, honestly.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Did you Neanderthals even have a hunting strategy?
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Nug, tell him your strategy.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Not my strategy, all Neanderthals' strategy.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Oh, yeah, spread the blame, why don't you?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Look, I don't care who came up with the blooming strategy.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29- Can you just tell me what it is, please?- First, we hide.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Yeah?- Then we jump out, surprise prey and attack with spear!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Yeah, except Nug make noise. Nug warn mega bear.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39No, Ugg make noise.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- No, Nug make noise. - No, Ugg make noise.- A-argh!- Argh!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44In short, the Neanderthals were cut to pieces
0:21:44 > 0:21:47and the mega bear walked away with a couple of scratches.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Taking on prey head on is clearly a very high-risk strategy.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55At least the Homo Sapien team here don't look like they've gone
0:21:55 > 0:21:57ten rounds with a mega bear.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59What was your hunting strategy?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Run after prey, then throw spear. Kill from distance.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05No need get near prey.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- Karen?- That's right, Lord Sugar. The Homo Sapiens are good runners
0:22:09 > 0:22:11and they've developed a throwing javelin,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13which means they don't need to get near their prey.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Right, OK. Nick, let's find out how the teams did, then.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Well, Team Neanderthal did manage one kill.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Shrew. Hee-hee! Shrew!- Shrew.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Are you taking the mick?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You telling me that three of you went out there, only two of you
0:22:27 > 0:22:30came back alive and all you brought back with ya was that shrew?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Yeah, put like that, it's not very good, is it?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36No, it's not. How did the Homo Sapiens do?
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Well, they killed two wild pigs, three deer
0:22:40 > 0:22:42and a sort of badger thing with big teeth.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44But no shrew. Shrew!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Just... All right, I've had it up to here with the flaming shrew, right?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Clearly we've got a winner here.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Team Neanderthals, it's not all about brawn,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56sometimes it's about your bonce.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58And your brains are clearly the size of a pea.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Well, in point of fact, Lord Sugar,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03the Neanderthal brain is larger than the Homo Sapien brain.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- You're joking?- No. - Well, why don't you use it?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10And if you're not careful, your entire race is going to die out.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13For that reason, Team Neanderthal...
0:23:13 > 0:23:14you're fired!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- What, all of us?- Yeah.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Why don't you just fire Grunt? Him dead anyway.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- He's still more flaming use to me than youse two are.- Ugh!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Get out of my sight, go on. Team Homo Sapien,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27I've got a treat lined up for you.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Have you ever been behind the wheel of a Formula One racing car?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31ALL: Yeah!
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Sorry, what is wheel? - Never mind. We'll go, yeah?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Mmm.- Oh, I'd love to. - Yeah. Karen, do you drive?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- I do.- You in?- I am.- I'm in, then.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44The entire Neanderthal race did end up dying out,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48even if you think your PE teacher is living proof that they didn't.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Because of their larger bodies and brains,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Neanderthals had to eat more food than you Homo Sapiens,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56but they had inferior hunting techniques.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58If food became scarce,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01the Homo Sapiens were better adapted to survival.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04The rat knows all.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Did you know it was us Victorians who invented ice cream?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16But you could sometimes get more than you bargained for.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Oh-ho-ho! Good day!
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Ice cream! Ice cream!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Get your lovely ice cream here. Yes, child?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26What flavours do you have?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28What a fine question.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Well, young lady, we've got cat hair, bed bug and flea, plain dust,
0:24:33 > 0:24:36dust with lice, dust with straw, dust surprise,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39which is dust with a little bit of cat hair in there too.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Then we've got your cotton fibre, bed bug and cotton fibre,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46and flea and cotton fibre ripple. All sorts of stuff
0:24:46 > 0:24:49falls into your Victorian ice cream.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'm not sure which to choose, sir.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Yeah, well, luckily you don't have to. We just mix it all together.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56There you go, it's all in there.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Ooh, hey, would you like a couple of flakes with that?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Yes, sir.- Yeah, course you would.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Another happy customer. HE CHUCKLES
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Ice cream! Ice cream!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Get your lovely ice cream here.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30The answer is...
0:25:30 > 0:25:34B, wax painted brown, which can't be very good for you.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38Yes, the diet of some Victorians could be pretty dangerous.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49SHE SOBS
0:25:49 > 0:25:51DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Don't worry, madam, the professionals are here. Now, where's the dead...?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Found it, it's here. Located the dead body.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Victim shows no visible signs of injury.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09- You, what happened here?- Well, Uncle Albert was just having his tea
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- and he dropped down dead, didn't he? - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- Might have been poisoned.- Poisoned? - Indeed. Let's take a look.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21- Bread shows signs of a white chalky substance.- That'll be the chalk.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24The bakers make the bread look whiter using chalk.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26What's this? Oh, it's a toenail!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29That'll be the baker's. He kneads the bread with his feet.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31That'll explain the cheesy smell.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Still, might not be enough to kill him.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- What was he drinking? - Well, that coffee.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Now, that to me smells nutty.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Oh, that'll be the acorns.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44We can only afford cheap coffee and they tend to put sawdust in it.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46And acorns.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- Was he drinking anything else? - Just sheep brain.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- And arsenic.- Come again?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Dodgy tradesmen sometimes put sheep brains in the milk.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Look.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59- Oh!- And to save money, they pad out the sugar with arsenic.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01That's poisonous!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Oh, I wouldn't worry. I've been eating the sugar for years.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09She's been poisoned! Go and fetch some water, man! Quickly!
0:27:09 > 0:27:10Just water! Nothing added!
0:27:10 > 0:27:14- Here you go! Here's your water! - Sure nothing's been added to that?
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- Absolutely, I got it straight from the pump.- Smells funny.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Ah, yeah, that'll probably be the cholera.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Note to self. Get a desk job.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the facts... #
0:27:33 > 0:27:35If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Go to the CBBC website,
0:27:37 > 0:27:41and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #