0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:05# Woeful wars Ferocious fights
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Dingy castles Daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen - Savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Five eager chefs, five historical eras but just one prize.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47People make food and we eat the food!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50That is the format as I understand it.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Stone-age chef Nug, is a farmer from Skara Brae -
0:00:54 > 0:00:58a Neolithic community from the Scottish Orkney Isles.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01But will stone-age cooking rock our judges?
0:01:01 > 0:01:02I'll handle this.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Ug, Nug, Nug,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06ugga, Nug, Nug, ug?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Is he all right?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10It's all right, I was just speaking Stone Age.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12That's actually quite offensive.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Neolithic man was almost as evolved as you are now
0:01:14 > 0:01:17so our language is quite sophisticated.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Right, sorry. I wasn't, you know.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21I... Lots of my friends are cavemen.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Nug is pulling out all the stops to wow the judges.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29So what are you going to cook for us today then, Nug?
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Don't tell me, mammoth with mammoth served with mammoth and mammoth,
0:01:33 > 0:01:36wrapped in mammoth and with a side order of mammoth?!
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Ha-ha!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Just try to ignore him, Nug. I do.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- Well, I thought we'd kick off with a seafood starter, limpets.- Mm.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Mmm, those are beautiful, mate, lovely and fresh!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50We keep 'em in rock pool tanks.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Not for me, I'm allergic. I swell up.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55You sure you haven't eaten some already?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Ha-ha! Good one, mate. Hm.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Nug's preparing his main course
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and the judges are in for another surprise.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08It's sheep and deer meat with a berry jus,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11all washed down with some cow's milk.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Let's have a start.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Yeah?
0:02:17 > 0:02:21Mmm, that is succulent, perfectly cooked, it's sublime!
0:02:21 > 0:02:26Look, John, he's made a dessert. Stone-age chocolate cake.
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Oh!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29No, no, that's fuel for cooking.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It's dried cow dung.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33GREGG SPITS IT OUT
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Why, why?!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Get me some soap! I need some soap!
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Nug, we were expecting a primitive meal
0:02:45 > 0:02:48but you really have surprised us with some very advanced cooking,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50isn't that right, Gregg?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Whatever! This soap's not working, John.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You're through to the next round, congratulations!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Sorry, I get quite emotional!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59That's OK, mate. It's all right.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01You're just a modern man.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02NUG SOBS
0:03:02 > 0:03:06It's true, the people who lived at Skara Brae in Orkney
0:03:06 > 0:03:085,000 years ago
0:03:08 > 0:03:10had a really varied diet
0:03:10 > 0:03:14and had limpet tanks to keep their seafood fresh.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Rotten seafood can easily make you sick.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Which is good news
0:03:18 > 0:03:23because one of my favourite dishes is rotten seafood sick. Ha-ha!
0:03:23 > 0:03:25And about 7,000 years ago,
0:03:25 > 0:03:31some stone-age town dwellers created the first stone-age city.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- I don't know... - This is all off topic.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Let's call this meeting of the town planning committee to order.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39The first item on the agenda
0:03:39 > 0:03:41is my proposal to turn our stone-age town into a city.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Question, Mr Chairman. What's a city?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- This is a city. - Looks a lot like our town.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It is our town.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It's just bigger and we've put gaps between the houses - streets.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What's wrong with what we do now?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Building the houses joined together and walking over roofs?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Not saying anything's wrong
0:04:00 > 0:04:02but you can't drive donkeys and carts across the roofs
0:04:02 > 0:04:04whereas you can along the streets.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Come on, we don't need these fancy-pants straits.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09- Streets.- Streets.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13This isn't another of your plans to be made boss of everyone, is it?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Oh, here we go!- Yeah!
0:04:15 > 0:04:16No, no, no!
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- Sounds familiar. - Can we just draw a line under this?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Whose is this massive house?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23- I bet you it's his!- No, no, no!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25It's not my house and it's not even a house.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27We thought it'd be nice to have buildings
0:04:27 > 0:04:29that aren't just places to live.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- Why?- They'd be places to meet,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34places to worship, places to make things.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36They can make stuff at home!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- And you are a great carpenter. - Thanks.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Wouldn't it be nice if you could concentrate on that
0:04:41 > 0:04:44in a special building for it with other carpenters?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Imagine how many carts you'd make!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50If I spend all my day making carts what am I going to eat?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53While you're making the carts, people who are good at growing,
0:04:53 > 0:04:54grow things,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58then you swap your carts for their food...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00What if you're good at everything?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I don't think you don't need to worry about that, Craig.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05We call it trade.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Sounds a bit complicated.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Maybe you're right, maybe we need someone in charge.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11I knew this was going to happen!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13No, no, no!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I didn't say me, not necessarily me!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18All right, I'll be in charge.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Maybe it's better if it is me.- Hm.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27And I'll give myself a simple title, like King and I'll live here.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- You said that wasn't a house. - It's not, it's a palace.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I don't see why I can't be king?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Well, I've already hired these two heavily-armed bodyguards.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Right.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Do you think they'll be needing carts?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Now you're getting it!- OK. - Take a leaf out of this guy's book.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You may have heard of Hannibal.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53He was one of Rome's greatest enemies
0:05:53 > 0:05:56but he didn't just fight us Romans, oh, no!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59From the great naval power of Carthage
0:05:59 > 0:06:02came a maverick Carthaginian commander
0:06:02 > 0:06:03who liked to fight dirty.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08The name's Hannibal and don't you Carthaginian forget it, y'all!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11In the war with Greece, he'd stop at nothing to get what he wanted.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Let them have it!
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Heads up, lads, looks like Hannibal is catapulting something at us.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Quite hard to make out what it is?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20It could be arrows.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23No, it's not arrows. Looks like bits of rope!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- THEY SCREAM - Aah! Snakes!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Hiss!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Bet they weren't expecting that!
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Don't worry, lads. I know my snakes and I'm sure those aren't venomous.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Oh! My mistake...they are venomous.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44The deadliest of enemies use the deadliest of tactics.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45THEY SCREAM
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Get this Carthaginian snake off my bottom!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53When I fight, I fight Carthaginian dirty, y'all!
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Let them eat snake!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11I'm still a Carthaginian maverick, y'all!
0:07:11 > 0:07:12In the war with Rome,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15he would do what never had been done before.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'm going to take elephants over the mountains
0:07:17 > 0:07:19and crush the Romans on the plain.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I mean literally crush them.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25When I fight, I fight Carthaginian dirty, y'all!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Those Carthaginian horses certainly look big.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I don't think those are horses.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- They're elephants! Elephants! - THEY YELL
0:07:38 > 0:07:40Man, they weren't expecting that!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Ooh!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Hello and welcome to The News At When.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02When? The 1300s, when over in Italy,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05the discovery of ancient writings and art
0:08:05 > 0:08:08led to a cultural rebirth or renaissance
0:08:08 > 0:08:12that's become known somewhat unimaginably, as the Renaissance.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16Here with more details on this retro revolution is Bob Hale
0:08:16 > 0:08:18with the Renaissance report.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Bob.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Thank you, Sam!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Well, the year is 1300 and something or other,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25that there is Italy, and here in cities like Venice and Florence,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27something exciting is happening.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Actually, something dull is happening
0:08:29 > 0:08:32but there's something exciting - bear with me.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35The dull thing is they've done away with the feudal system -
0:08:35 > 0:08:37an emperor at the top, uneducated peasants at the bottom -
0:08:37 > 0:08:39and opted instead for a republic
0:08:39 > 0:08:42where everything's run by boring middle management.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Told you it was dull.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45To become a boring middle-management type
0:08:45 > 0:08:46you need a decent education,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49something your average Italian hasn't had for centuries.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51To find it, they have to go old-school.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53To an old school in fact,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55the great libraries of the Islamic world,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58which contain classical writings from ancient Rome and Greece.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01So these Italian boffins rediscover loads of ancient knowledge,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04classical learning enjoys something of a rebirth
0:09:04 > 0:09:07or Renaissance as the French like to call it and that's the end of that.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09But not for long!
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Soon Italian sculptors start turning to the past for inspiration too,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15basing their statues on ones from ancient Rome and Greece
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and Renaissance art is born.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Yes, thanks to such big name chisel chippers as Michelangelo, Donatello
0:09:20 > 0:09:22and Da Vinci,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24the style of the past is brought back at last.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, I'm a poet and I don't know it,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28except I do know it and I did that on purpose
0:09:28 > 0:09:30as a clever link into this next bit about poetry.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Well done, Bobsy.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The Renaissance isn't just about copying stuff.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37That's not a Renaissance, that's cheating as examiners will tell you.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It's being inspired by the past but adding a modern twist,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42which is where the poets come in.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44The likes of Dante, Petrarch and Boccaccio
0:09:44 > 0:09:46inspired by ancient writing,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49find a new style of rhyme that more suits their time
0:09:49 > 0:09:51and become the first poets of the Renaissance.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Before long, the painters are also relishing this Renaissance spirit.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Giotto brightens up the art world by brightening up the art world.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Yes, he adds windows to his paintings,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03introducing light and space to art for the very first time.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Then Alberti hits upon the concept of perspective,
0:10:06 > 0:10:09a system of judging when something is very, very far away
0:10:09 > 0:10:11and when something is very, very close, whoa!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13SIGNAL BEEPS
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Sorry about that, I forgot that was there, where were we?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Ah yes, Renaissance artists!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Titian, Raphael, Botticelli all making their mark on the art world
0:10:21 > 0:10:24as they discover shadow and lifelike accuracy.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25And they don't stop there.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Having developed a taste for new concepts and fresh thinking,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Renaissance man becomes what we now call a Renaissance man.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Someone who's brilliant at everything, just like Bobsy.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37So sculptor Michelangelo puts down his chisel,
0:10:37 > 0:10:38picks up a paintbrush
0:10:38 > 0:10:41and turns the Sistine Chapel ceiling into a work of art.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44As for Leonardo Da Vinci, well, there's nothing he CAN'T do.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47He's a sculptor, painter, scientist, inventor, engineer,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50geologist, botanist, musician and all round smarty-pants.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Though he didn't win silver
0:10:52 > 0:10:54at the 1981 Three Counties Domino Championships so,
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I think I'm still a little bit better.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59He does however, come up with designs for...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02the calculator, solar power, military tanks and helicopters
0:11:02 > 0:11:05though obviously not helicopters but with... What?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Oh, apparently he did come up with helicopters.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I knew that one would come back to bite me one day!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12And talking of things coming back to bite you,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14remember the republic?
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Well, with the emperors gone,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Italians now get to vote for their leaders,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and no sooner is there voting than there is vote rigging,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23meaning corrupt families like the Borgias and the Medicis
0:11:23 > 0:11:26can bribe, buy and muscle their way into power.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27An absolute disaster, right?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Wrong!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31These corrupt families just love showing off,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33so what do they spend all their money on?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34New works of art!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38The rulers of Italy are now personally funding the Renaissance
0:11:38 > 0:11:40and it goes from strength to strength.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43The threat of foreign invasion only helps to fuel the march of progress,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45as Da Vinci, Alberti and Michelangelo
0:11:45 > 0:11:49start designing clever new forts to defend Italy from invaders.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Now the Renaissance is harder to contain
0:11:51 > 0:11:53than the waist on my trousers on pizza night.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56This new way of thinking starts spreading right around the world!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Copernicus and Galileo revolutionise astronomy.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Erasmus and Descartes become the great new thinkers of a new age,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and silly superstitions are replaced by fantastic facts
0:12:05 > 0:12:08thanks to the invents of what we now call science,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11as men like Bacon and Hooke, Wren and Boyle with Renaissance power
0:12:11 > 0:12:13do witchcraft foil,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15belief in witches and Dark Age fear,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17just like Bobsy, disappear!
0:12:17 > 0:12:19BOOM!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- HE COUGHS - Yeah, didn't think that would work.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23It didn't work in rehearsal.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Back to you, Sam. Sorry about all the smoke.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27SHE COUGHS
0:12:43 > 0:12:45The answer is...
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Towards the end of his life,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Da Vinci made a robot lion
0:12:49 > 0:12:50that could walk forward
0:12:50 > 0:12:51and open its chest
0:12:51 > 0:12:53to reveal flowers.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55He really was ahead of his time.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58'Leonardo?' KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:12:58 > 0:12:59He's not in.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Yes, you are in!
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Ciao, Lisa!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Don't you, "Ciao, Lisa" me! Where is my portrait?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Ah! It's still notta finished!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I'm very busy.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13It's been 12 years since you started, Leonardo!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I've gotta too much to do.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16I'm not just a painter,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I'm a sculptor, an architect, a musician,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22a scientist, a mathematician, an engineer, an anatomist,
0:13:22 > 0:13:26a geologist, a cartographer, a botanist,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28a writer and inventor.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Ah, an inventor!
0:13:29 > 0:13:32What rubbish you inventa here, huh?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35It's a glider, it's to fly through the air.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'll make you fly through the air, I'll kick your butt!
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Funny.- I thought you said my portrait would be a masterpiece,
0:13:41 > 0:13:44look at it, it a tiddly!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Lisa, bellissima! I even give you the enigmatic smile,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49you never smile for real.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53You know the problem with you, you never finish anything!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55You not even finished getting dressed!
0:13:56 > 0:14:00OK, that's true but that's not fair because there's a...
0:14:00 > 0:14:02You not even finish your sentence!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Can we finish this argument tomorrow?
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I have a very important mathematical problem I need to solve.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Tomorrow, tomorrow you're a procrastinator!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Maybe I'll do something about being a procrastinator tomorrow.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Ergh!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16It's a joke, I make a joke!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18The only joke here is you.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Now you finish my painting or this supper,
0:14:21 > 0:14:24it'll be your last supper, capisce?
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The Last Supper, the only painting I ever finished.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28SHE GROWLS
0:14:29 > 0:14:33No wonder they call her the Mona Lisa. She's horrible!
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Mummification is a funny old game. It really is!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Hello and welcome to the ancient Egyptian Make Show.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Today, we're going to be showing you how to make a mummy!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Joining me today is my new apprentice embalmer, Vadile.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Aah, aah, argh!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03It's Vadile's first day as apprentice embalmer,
0:15:03 > 0:15:04how's it going?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Brilliantly, yeah, really good.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Apart from being chased through the city having abuse shouted at me
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and rocks thrown at me!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Leave me alone!
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Ha-ha-ha! That's just ancient Egyptian tradition, I'm afraid.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20People get the chance to damage the body of the apprentice embalmer,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23for it is he who will be damaging their body
0:15:23 > 0:15:25when he prepares them for the journey to the afterlife.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Makes perfect sense.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30First of all, we need a dead body.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Here's one that died earlier.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33Or did he?!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I think he's dead, boss.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Well, better tickle him with a feather just to make sure.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Trust me, you don't want to be pulling a man's guts out
0:15:41 > 0:15:43while he's still alive.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47Ha-ha, seriously, you don't. I've done it, it's awful.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Here's one I disembowelled earlier.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54The lungs, liver, stomach and intestine have all been removed
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and placed in the appropriate Canopic jars.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Vadile is now removing the brains through the nose
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and is going to put them in the bin.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Wa-argh!- Oh. Ha-ha-ha!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Careful there, Vadile - we might not need our brains in the afterlife
0:16:09 > 0:16:12but we certainly need to use them while we're still here. Ha-ha!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Next, we cover the body with salt.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I also like to season it with a little bit of pepper.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Ha-ha! I don't really, Vadile, I'm joking!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25The salt sucks up all the moisture from the body,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27we then pack it full of sawdust
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and then soften the skin with oil.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It's now time to wrap things up, literally, ha-ha!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38This is none other than the body of the great Pharaoh,
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Ramesses II himself.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Vadile, you have the great honour
0:16:41 > 0:16:44of watching a master technician at work,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47putting the finishing touches to the Pharaoh's mummy.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! The head's come off!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Vadile! Ah, ah!- It's OK.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55You can just stick it on using this stick.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Yes, the stick, let's do that. Argh, no-one's going to notice.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Argh, argh!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Oh, no! It's on the wrong way round!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03It's OK. Calm down, calm down.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05We'll turn the head back around...
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Yes?
0:17:06 > 0:17:08..and cover the join using this bandage here.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- There you go.- That's done it.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- Bob's your uncle or rather your- mummy!
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Ha-ha-ha!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Is that supposed to be me, cos it's not funny?!- Sorry.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Sounds nothing like me. - I thought it was pretty good.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24The mummy of Ramesses II was flown to Paris in 1974
0:17:24 > 0:17:27for emergency conservation work.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28It was issued a passport
0:17:28 > 0:17:32and in the box titled, "occupation," the passport said,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"King (deceased)"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Ha-ha!
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Just imagine his sarcophagus
0:17:38 > 0:17:41going round and round on the luggage carousel!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, I've made myself feel sick!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49# Pull the brain out through the nose
0:17:49 > 0:17:52# Know where each organ goes
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# Be careful you don't quiver
0:17:54 > 0:17:57# When you yank out the liver
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# And the stomach, lungs and guts
0:17:59 > 0:18:01# Try not to be a klutz
0:18:01 > 0:18:04# Choose the right Canopic jar
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- # To be an embalming star... # - Yeah!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08# So cut the heart out with your knife
0:18:08 > 0:18:11# I need it for the afterlife. #
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It'll tickle your funny bone.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14BUZZER RINGS
0:18:19 > 0:18:21When it came to the art of words,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Tudor playwright William Shakespeare was penominant...
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Phenomin...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Phenom... He was good.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33PEOPLE CHATTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Oh, sir, thou did spill my ale.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Aye, sir, what of that?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- You challenge me?- What of it? - Leave it Thomas, he's not worth it.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Unhand me, Tina. This man has insulted me.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Aye, sir and will again.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51In that case... I challenge you to a duel!
0:18:51 > 0:18:53CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Name your weapon.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I choose words.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Words? That's unusual, but I accept.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- Don't you know who that is? - No and neither do I care.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That's Will Shakespeare.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08You can't fight him with words, no-one can beat him.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Stuff and nonsense, Tina. I will out insult this man with ease.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Fight!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- CROWD CHANTS:- Fight, fight, fight!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Come now, sir. Blast me with your tongue.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Vassal! Ha-hah!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Villainous...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25villain!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27CROWD LAUGHS Finished?
0:19:27 > 0:19:28No, hang on.
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Thou art...a saucy rogue.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37A saucy rogue, how can I respond?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41To a beslubbered, pebbling, churlish clotpole.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Beef-witted, gleeking bum-bailey.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48A gorbellied, mewling, hedge-born,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51onion-eyed, fustilarian cob loaf!
0:19:51 > 0:19:52LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:54What?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Silence! You flap-eared, knotty-pated measle.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You ruttish, reeking coxcomb!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You hugger-mugger moldwarp!
0:20:02 > 0:20:06You pottle-deep, maggot-pie lewdster!
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Got him.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09Go on, Will, finish him off.
0:20:09 > 0:20:15Yeasty, tickle-brained, whey-faced, nut-hook skainsmate!
0:20:15 > 0:20:16CHEERING
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Still the champion!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Any of you clay-brained fools want a piece of me?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22WHACK!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:25 > 0:20:28I'm all right, I'm all right.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Shakespeare was a genius with words.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33He invented 1,700 of them,
0:20:33 > 0:20:36many of which have become household words.
0:20:36 > 0:20:41In fact, he came up with the phrase, "household words," as well. Ha-ha!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Elizabeth I liked Shakespeare's plays - which was just as well -
0:20:45 > 0:20:48cos you really wouldn't want to upset Elizabeth.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51This week in Oh Yea! Magazine, it's our Royal Rage Special
0:20:51 > 0:20:54as we dish the dirt on Queen Elizabeth's temper tantrums.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57What do you mean, "temper tantrums?!"
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Find out what she did to her personal private secretary,
0:21:00 > 0:21:01William Davidson.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05The Queen punched and kicked me. But don't tell her I told you so.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07< Davidson, who are you talking to?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Nobody, ma'am!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And we've an exclusive from political commentator, John Stubbs.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15I wrote a pamphlet that the Queen didn't like,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17but I certainly won't be doing it again!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Partly because I don't want to make her angry,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22but mainly because she had my writing hand cut off.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Plus, we've got a copy of the letter she wrote to the Earl of Essex
0:21:26 > 0:21:28that was so terrifying, it made him faint.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Essex, we are ignorant of where thou art,
0:21:31 > 0:21:34what thou doth or what thou art to do.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38PS - wish you were here so I could cut your head off.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39And we've got the photos
0:21:39 > 0:21:42the royal courtiers didn't want you to see.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Look at those embarrassing sweat patches!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47You'd be sweaty too if you had to meet livid Liz!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Actually, that's not a sweat patch.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Queen Elizabeth didn't like the tassels on my outfit,
0:21:52 > 0:21:53so she spat on me.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56She really did! Ha-ha!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It's your Queen as you've never seen her before.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Don't make me angry.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Keep your hair on, ma'am! Oh, you can't, it's a wig!
0:22:05 > 0:22:09I heard that. Call my executioner!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Oh Yea! Magazine - buy it now while necks last.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19You may have heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23a catalogue of silly mistakes that led to a British military disaster.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Obviously, it wasn't planned that way,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30but if it had been, it might have gone something like this.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32OK, pay attention, chaps.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Here is the plan for the pivotal battle
0:22:34 > 0:22:36in the whole of the Crimean War.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Splendid, Lord Raglan.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Hooray! Ha-ha!
0:22:39 > 0:22:43As your commanding officer, I will be up here on the hill
0:22:43 > 0:22:47from where I will order our troops to charge the enemy Russian guns.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Which ones, sir?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Good question! Not as stupid as you look, old Cardigan!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Oh, I think I am, sir!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- THEY LAUGH - And so am I,
0:22:55 > 0:22:57which is why I won't realise that I'm the only one
0:22:57 > 0:23:00that can see that there are TWO enemy Russian guns.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03The rest of you will be in the valley here,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06able to see the guns HERE, but not HERE!
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Right, sir.- Captain Nolan?- Yes, sir?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11You will be with me and I shall issue you
0:23:11 > 0:23:13with a very vague and badly-written order
0:23:13 > 0:23:15to attack the enemy Russian guns,
0:23:15 > 0:23:18which you will carry to Lord Lucan.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21But surely I won't know which Russian guns you mean, sir?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Ha-ha, now you're getting it, boy!
0:23:24 > 0:23:29You will ask Nolan, "Which guns?" to which he will reply, "Those guns,"
0:23:29 > 0:23:33giving a very broad sweep of his arm, leaving you none the wiser.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- It's a jolly good plan! - Oh, thank you.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Old Cardigan.- Yes, sir?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You will be in charge of the Light Brigade,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43so when Lucan here, gives you the order to charge,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45you just...charge off at completely the wrong guns!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Brilliant.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Nolan, as they set off, you'll realise your mistake
0:23:50 > 0:23:52and try to charge ahead to warn Cardigan,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56but you'll be shot and killed before you're able to give him the message.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Right you are, sir.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00The plan is for Lucan to follow Cardigan
0:24:00 > 0:24:02with the Heavy Brigade as backup,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05but naturally, Lucan won't follow at all.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08He will simply stand and watch, and leave you to it.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- Why's that, sir?- Because you're my brother-in-law and I don't like you!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14THEY LAUGH
0:24:14 > 0:24:17These are all the advantages of having the army commanded
0:24:17 > 0:24:19by a small group of upper-class twits!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Hm, hm.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I'm not an upper-class twit, sir.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26That's why you're not in charge of anything at all, Nolan!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27So be quiet! Any questions?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Just one, sir.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33What happens when we charge completely at the wrong guns?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Well, the Russians will open fire at you from all sides
0:24:36 > 0:24:40and hundreds will be killed, taken prisoner or wounded.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43It will be an utter disaster!
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- Hm.- Miraculously, you will survive the charge, old Cardigan,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50but instead of struggling back with the rest of your troops,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53you will simply head to your yacht for a slap-up lunch.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Best make a note of that. Slap-up lunch, very good.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58So, are we all clear?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- ALL:- No, not really, no.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05Marvellous! Then let the charge begin!
0:25:05 > 0:25:06- ALL:- Hoorah!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Ha, ha, ha!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Lord Raglan had fought against the French in the Napoleonic Wars
0:25:11 > 0:25:13about 40 years before.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16He insisted on calling the enemy the French,
0:25:16 > 0:25:20even though the enemy in the Crimean War were the Russians!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23In fact, the French were on Raglan's side!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26No wonder he lost his Light Brigade, huh!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Just as well, there were some great nurses in the Crimea.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Me name Mary Seacole, famous nurse
0:25:38 > 0:25:40# To the Crimean boys
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# No, me not Florence Nightingale
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Dat mix up, me annoys
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Me learn me skills in Jamaica
0:25:48 > 0:25:50# Where me mother nursed de sick
0:25:50 > 0:25:53# And I tink it my destiny, child
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# To be a war medic
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# If you're coughing Then you should have a drink with it
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# If your diet's poor You should really tink upon it
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# If it's cholera Rehydration's best for it
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# If it's fever Better take some rest for it
0:26:05 > 0:26:10# Wha-oh-oh, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# History still says me name
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# Cos me not one to moan
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# Me ask me friend Thomas Day for help
0:26:17 > 0:26:19# And set off upon my own
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# If you need it Put a mustard plaster upon it
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# If you're bleeding Shouldn't be disaster for it
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# If your leg broke Going to need a cast on it
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# If you're constipated Take oil of castor for it
0:26:30 > 0:26:35# Wha-oh-oh, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh
0:26:35 > 0:26:37# Once here, in Crimea
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# Me became a pioneer
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# Me carpenters engineered
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# A hotel at the new frontier
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# Set up on the front line in 1855
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# Independent woman Saving soldiers' lives... #
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Welcome to the British Hotel.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# Me boarding house became de haunt
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Of de great and good
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# Though it wasn't glamorous
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# It was built of old bits of wood
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Supplied the troops With kit and clothes
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# Served both de rich and poor
0:27:07 > 0:27:09# Me nursed right upon De battlefield
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# While Florence worked Far from the war
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# I'm a nursing lady Put a splint on it
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# Me see a wounded man Better sprint to it
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# Earned fame from de war And my stint in it
0:27:19 > 0:27:22- # But the- Crimean- shame Is me a skint from it
0:27:22 > 0:27:24# When de war was done
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# Me never have a dime
0:27:26 > 0:27:29# Despite de work me do
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# Bankruptcy was mine
0:27:32 > 0:27:34# I'm a fierce lady Never fazed by it
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Wrote a book And earned funds raised by it
0:27:37 > 0:27:39# Me hotel Men owed their lives to it
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Going down in history Dat's me prize for it. #
0:27:44 > 0:27:45# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:45 > 0:27:47We gave you all The fearsome facts... #
0:27:47 > 0:27:51If you enjoyed that, why not play the new AD/BC Time Tour music game?
0:27:51 > 0:27:56Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. Rock on!
0:27:56 > 0:28:00# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #