0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:22# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40In 1812, the Emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44assembled a 600,000 strong army and invaded Russia,
0:00:44 > 0:00:48but only one in five of his soldiers survived.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Bonjour!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54If you are watching this, then you must have joined the French Army.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Vive Napoleon! Supercool.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Watch carefully, this survival guide
0:00:59 > 0:01:02might just save your life, mon frere.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06In the French Army, you have to march up to 40 miles a day.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09That's right, 40 miles a day! Zut alors!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And we all know what that means - blisters! Big time!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14But don't worry, there is a solution.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Simply drop an egg into each of your boots.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Warning! Will not work on boots with holes.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Food can run short,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25especially if you're on the long march
0:01:25 > 0:01:27through the miserable Russian winter.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I wish I had not dropped those eggs into my boots now.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I'm so hungry I could eat an horse.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Well, that's good news,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34because that's what you will be eating.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36If a cavalry horse dies,
0:01:36 > 0:01:37you will have to eat it just to survive.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42In the smoke of battle, it is easy for the soldiers in the front ranks
0:01:42 > 0:01:45to be shot by the ranks behind them.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48One quarter of all casualties in the French Army
0:01:48 > 0:01:50are shot by their own side.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Not cool!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Ai, ai, ai!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Mon derriere!
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Your best plan is to stand in the back row.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, now he tells me!
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Ai, ai, ai!
0:02:01 > 0:02:02And, finally, Tip Quatre.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05If you want to guarantee your survival in the French Army,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07simply pay someone to take your place.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Et voila!
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Now, if anyone asks, your name is Benoit,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13you're 32 years old and you're in charge.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15You never saw that, right?!
0:02:19 > 0:02:22During his lifetime, Napoleon Bonaparte
0:02:22 > 0:02:25came up against some formidable opponents,
0:02:25 > 0:02:30but none as unusual as the one he faced in 1809.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Well, you join us here in Vienna
0:02:34 > 0:02:36at the climax
0:02:36 > 0:02:37of this thrilling encounter
0:02:37 > 0:02:38between keen chess player
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and part-time military genius,
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Napoleon Bonaparte,
0:02:42 > 0:02:47and the extraordinary chess playing robot known as The Mechanical Turk.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Yes indeed, Stan. Dramatic scenes here as Napoleon's really
0:02:50 > 0:02:52being tested by this strange machine.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Question on everyone's lips, how does it work?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57And it's the French General's move.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00You play a fine game, my mechanical friend.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03But I fear you have met your match.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07There.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The Mechanical Turk's face is giving nothing away,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12largely because it doesn't move.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14I can't see you getting out of this one.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22And if I'm not much mistaken,
0:03:22 > 0:03:23that is checkmate.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24He's done it!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27The Mechanical Turk has beaten the French Emperor,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29causing shockwaves here in Vienna.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30What?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32No! How did you?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35No, he's not very happy about that. He's stormed off.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37The Mechanical Turk has the form
0:03:37 > 0:03:39of a chess Grandmaster.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Well, Stan, that's probably because
0:03:41 > 0:03:44there actually is a chess Grandmaster hidden inside it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Ssh! It's our little secret.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Oh, my word!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Ha-ha! That's right!
0:03:51 > 0:03:54The machine actually concealed a chess Grandmaster
0:03:54 > 0:03:57and fooled people for over 50 years.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Napoleon hated losing, which was a shame,
0:03:59 > 0:04:02because he was really rather good at it.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06His final defeat was in a battle you might just have heard of.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Starring Napoleon Bonaparte
0:04:13 > 0:04:15as the Emperor of France,
0:04:15 > 0:04:16The King of Italy,
0:04:16 > 0:04:17the Protector of the Rhine,
0:04:17 > 0:04:18and all the other things
0:04:18 > 0:04:19he called himself.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What? I like titles.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Waterloo, the story of how the little military genius from Corsica...
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Hey, hey, hey, less of the little, OK?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I am actually average height for my era.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Took on the combined might of the British and Prussian forces.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35The Prussians have arrived? Well, no-one told me.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Witness for yourselves one of the bloodiest battles
0:04:37 > 0:04:38of the Napoleonic wars.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I wish I could, I cannot see a thing,
0:04:41 > 0:04:42and it is not because I am short.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44And learn for the very first time,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47the real reason for Napoleon's defeat.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48General, what are your orders?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I don't know, I can't see anything.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Perhaps if his Excellency were to climb upon his horse,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55he might get a better view of the battlefield.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56I cannot.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I can give you a bunk up if you...
0:04:58 > 0:05:00No, it is not because I am short.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02It is... Well...
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Piles? Piles of what?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Look, I have a problem with my bum bum, very painful.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10If I sit on my horse, it will be agony.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12In fact, I think I am going to have to have a lie down.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14But, sir, without your tactical brilliance,
0:05:14 > 0:05:16we will be easily defeated.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18The Prussians are attacking our rear.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Must you mention rear!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Waterloo!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25The story of how a great military leader's career came to an end.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Oh, please don't mention ends.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Thanks to a sore bottom.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31And definitely do not mention bottoms.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Coming to a muddy field near Brussels, on Sunday 18th June, 1815.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36How long is the film?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37About three hours.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- Three hours?- Yeah.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I'm never going to be able to sit through that.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Argh, the pain, the pain, the pain.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49To us well-to-do Victorians,
0:05:49 > 0:05:54it really was very important to keep up with the ever-changing fashions.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Good day!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Well, I must say, Gertrude, you're looking most well.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Thank you, my dear, and you are looking unnaturally wide.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05Thank you.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07In fact, you're looking very weirdly shaped indeed.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Oh, Gertrude, you are such a country bumpkin.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13It's just the cut of the dress.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16It's the very height of Victorian fashion.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Seriously?- Absolutely.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Pulled in as tight as possible at the waist, with a corset,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23and then worn as wide as you dare at the bottom,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26to accentuate one's womanly curves.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30I see. Well, it's very... Yes.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Shall we make ourselves comfortable?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Well, that might be tricky.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38My dear, your staff appear to have accidentally placed
0:06:38 > 0:06:40all of your furniture into one room.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Oh, silly, silly Gertrude.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45You're showing yourself up again, dear.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47The more fancy furniture you have,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49the more lovely things you can display on them.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Whatever for?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53To show off how rich you are, of course.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Take this beautiful vase for example.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ooh! Oh! Aah!
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Oh! Well, I suppose that's the high price of fashion.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14At least, I didn't break my priceless 16th century vase.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Oh.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Ooh, Gertrude, I am feeling terribly faint.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Oh, my dear.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24This corset is very tight, it's very tight indeed. Ooh.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, I love what you've done with the place.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It's true!
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Yes, they didn't always think things through in Victorian times.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Sir Henry Bessemer was a great Victorian inventor,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01who used to get horribly seasick.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04I feel dizzy. I think I'm going to be sick.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Gangway! Urgh!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09So he decided to invent a special ship
0:08:09 > 0:08:11that wouldn't make anyone seasick.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14He called his ship The Bessemer.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Built in 1875, it was fitted with a remarkable machine,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21which made the deck stay perfectly level during the voyage,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24no matter how much the sea went up and down.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26That is marvellous! Simply marvellous!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28On The Bessemer's maiden crossing
0:08:28 > 0:08:29from Britain to France,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31the journey was so smooth
0:08:31 > 0:08:32that nobody felt sick.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37It was an immense success, but there was just one small problem.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Henry had paid more attention
0:08:39 > 0:08:40to his anti-sickness engine,
0:08:40 > 0:08:42than to the steering.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The ship was almost impossible to turn.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47It arrived in France with a loud...
0:08:47 > 0:08:48CRASH!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Smashing right into the pier at Calais.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I feel dizzy, I think I'm going to be sick again.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Uh, bring a mop and bucket s'il vous plait. Ooh.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06The Emperor of Rome's personal security was called
0:09:06 > 0:09:07the Praetorian Guard,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11but they couldn't always be trusted to keep him safe.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Praetorian Guards, we are sworn to keep the Emperor safe
0:09:15 > 0:09:17and safe he shall stay.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19- Is that clear?- Hoo haa!
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I didn't get a hoo haa from you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22- Hoo Haa.- That's better.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27Last year was a very bad year, Emperor Nero died on our watch.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28But that's in the past.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31This year we start again, clean sheet,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34or should I say clean toga, ha, ha. That was a joke, calm down.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37No more dead emperors, are you with me?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Hoo haa!
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Hoo haa, sorry.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Hail, Galba, Emperor of Rome this year and for many years to come.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Hail, Galba!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48- Hoo Haa.- Not this time!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Right, slight change of plan, exactly what I said before,
0:09:52 > 0:09:53protect the Emperor.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Hail, Otto, Emperor of Rome.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Hail, Otto!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Hang on, I thought you said the Emperor's name was Galba.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01It was, but he's been killed.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- I thought you said no more dead emperors.- Starting from now.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Hang on, shouldn't we be avenging Galba's death?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Well, not so much. It was us Praetorians what killed him.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Bit embarrassing I know, but let's move on.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14OK, so same plan as before, different emperor.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16We Praetorian Guards don't seem very good
0:10:16 > 0:10:18at this keeping the Emperor alive thing.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Hail, Otto, Emperor of Rome.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Hail, Otto!
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Ugh!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28No, he's dead too, but it wasn't us this time, he killed himself.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Ooh, hoo haa.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34So, to recap, protect the emperor, all right?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37That's three emperors we've lost in 12 months, no more!
0:10:37 > 0:10:43We must keep Emperor Vitellius safe if it's the last thing we, ugh!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Oh, Emperor Vitellius has decreed
0:10:46 > 0:10:49that all Praetorian Guards should get a pay rise.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- Really? - Nah, not really. He's dead too.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Hail Emperor Vespasian.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Hoo haa! - Whoever.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02That's right, there were four emperors in 69AD,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05with three of them dying horribly.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06When Emperor Vitellius was killed,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10his body was shoved in the sewer, and that's just shocking!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Some of us live in the sewers.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I mean, I wouldn't chuck a dead body into your home, huh!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Well, unless I've sicked up a fly I suppose.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Yes, those Romans sure got through a lot of emperors,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24which meant they needed to keep changing their statues.
0:11:24 > 0:11:30Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about New Emperor Statue!
0:11:30 > 0:11:31The hail anywhere likeness
0:11:31 > 0:11:33of your favourite Roman emperor.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36New Emperor Statue can be placed anywhere.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40In the marketplace, in the temple or even in the marketplace.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43But that's not all, is it? No.
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Due to the high murder rate
0:11:44 > 0:11:45of Roman emperors,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47four in one year in 193AD,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49New Emperor statue comes with everything you need
0:11:49 > 0:11:52to keep your Roman figurine completely up to date.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Old emperor stabbed in the back? Good!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Because you can make your statue look like the new emperor,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03thanks to these incredible
0:12:03 > 0:12:04swappable heads.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Laters!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Warrior emperor replaced by a bookworm?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10No problem, just remove his spear holding hand
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and replace with a book holding one.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17Whoa! He looks more cleverer already.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22Commodus, Pertinax, Didius Julianus, Septimius Severus, etcetera.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Yes, swappable heads, hands and legs means your statue
0:12:25 > 0:12:29can go on looking like the current emperor for years or longer.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32So, for an emperor statue that looks
0:12:32 > 0:12:34just like a statue of the emperor,
0:12:34 > 0:12:37it can only be New Emperor Statue.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Bit of help, please.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Chill out, dude, we're still recording. Are we cut?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Can we get an ambulance?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52You're through to Historical Dates, perfect matches, reasonable rates.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yes, sir, I'm sure we can help you find a new wife.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Have you been married before? Ooh, twice.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03No, that won't be a problem, sir, as long as you didn't murder them.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06You did. Right, yes, that will be a problem.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08OK, bye, Emperor Nero.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12You'd have to be totes desperate to go out with that one.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Should have given him your number.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Oh, shut up, Karen, I'm not desperate.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Shut up! You so are.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19There you are, Your Majesty.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Adorable. - What's your name?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23James Hamilton, Second Earl of Arran.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I seek a suitable marriage partner.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I'm sure we'll have no trouble finding you a wife.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- Oh, it's not for me, it's for the baby.- Oh.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32She's my cousin, Mary Queen of Scots.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Her daddy was James V of Scotland, but uh,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37he died when she was just six days old.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38That's awful.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You're telling me, I was heir to the throne
0:13:40 > 0:13:41until this wee one came along.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43All of a sudden, she's Queen of Scotland,
0:13:43 > 0:13:45only I have to run the country
0:13:45 > 0:13:48while she's too busy trying to suck her own toes.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Oh, what a clever little queeny.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54You don't think she's a bit young to be looking for a long-term partner?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Well, she's been engaged for six months.- Engaged?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58- Aye, to Edward.- And how old is he?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- Six.- He's six years old!
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I'll admit there's a bit of an age gap,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05but they've so much in common, what with Mary being Queen of Scotland
0:14:05 > 0:14:08and Edward being heir to the English throne.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09Well, they do sound well-matched.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Where did they meet then, on a royal play date?
0:14:12 > 0:14:13No, we're at war with the English.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16That is not such a promising start to a relationship.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Well, we thought it'd be nice to get the two wee bairns together,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22but uh, the people of Scotland were no' happy,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23so we called the whole thing off.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25What's Edward going to say?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27If he's six years old, I expect he'll mainly talk about bogies.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I'm more worried about what his father's going to say.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Right, where is she?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Why did you call off the engagement to Edward?
0:14:34 > 0:14:37He's a catch, just like his father, he-he.
0:14:37 > 0:14:38I'm Henry, by the way.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Ha, ha. So, is this marriage back on?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45No? We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Please say the hard way.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I'm sorry, Henry.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51The people of Scotland will never accept an English king.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Yes! War it is.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I'm going to raze Edinburgh
0:14:54 > 0:14:56to the ground, just you see if I don't.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Goodbye.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Ooh, it smells like someone needs changing.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- And I don't think it's the baby.- No.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07The plan to unite England and Scotland through the marriage
0:15:07 > 0:15:11of Edward VI and Mary Queen of Scots didn't work out.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13But when Elizabeth I died,
0:15:13 > 0:15:17James VI of Scotland also became James I of England,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20bringing together the two countries at last.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23However, he also brought with him his family's rotten luck.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33# I bet you think the Stuarts were an English dynasty
0:15:33 > 0:15:37# But we only came to England when the crown belonged to me
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# Our clan may hail from Scotland
0:15:39 > 0:15:43# But our tale's not a bonny one You'll see
0:15:46 > 0:15:48# We got the Blue Blooded Blues
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# In our blue Stuart shoes
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# Each king, queen and heir had our personal nightmare
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# Have you read the news?
0:15:57 > 0:16:02# We got the Blue Blooded Blues
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# Let's start with me King Robert III
0:16:05 > 0:16:07# Some say I was a fool
0:16:07 > 0:16:11# Once fell off my horse and hurt myself quite badly, how uncool
0:16:11 > 0:16:17# Ended up with a limp and limp was what they called my rule... #
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And I'll tell you for why.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22# We got the Blue Blooded Blues
0:16:22 > 0:16:24# Strapping sons, he had two
0:16:24 > 0:16:26# One imprisoned, starved in jail
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# The other captured, epic fail
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# "The worst of Kings" my review
0:16:32 > 0:16:37# I got the Blue Blooded Blues
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# The next five Stuarts all called James
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# But none was Lucky Jim
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# James I hid down a sewer
0:16:44 > 0:16:45# Got caught by assassins
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# James II was less unpopular
0:16:48 > 0:16:51# But killed by his own canon so pretty dim... #
0:16:51 > 0:16:53And it doesn't end there.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54You're not wrong!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# We got the Blue Blooded Blues
0:16:56 > 0:16:59# So many ways to lose
0:16:59 > 0:17:01# III and IV killed in battle
0:17:01 > 0:17:03# V lost a war and that'll...
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# Explain why we don't enthuse
0:17:06 > 0:17:10# About those Stuart clan blues... #
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Sing it, Mary. Go on, girl!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13# I'm Mary Queen of Scots
0:17:13 > 0:17:16# And misfortune, I had lots
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# To Queen Liz, I was a threat
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# She threw me into prison
0:17:20 > 0:17:22# Yet still accused me of plotting
0:17:22 > 0:17:25# Can you see where I'm headed?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# Liz is a Tudor, take a guess... #
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Beheaded?- Yeah.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31# Well, after Queen Liz died
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# I was made King of England too
0:17:33 > 0:17:35# Became James I in England
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# But the Stuart luck stayed true
0:17:37 > 0:17:40# Guy Fawkes tried to blow me up
0:17:40 > 0:17:43# And turn me into Stuart stew
0:17:43 > 0:17:44# One more time!
0:17:44 > 0:17:46# Yeah!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48# We got the Blue Blooded Blues
0:17:48 > 0:17:50# Not the role that you'd choose
0:17:50 > 0:17:52# With my son Charles a decapitee
0:17:52 > 0:17:54# We briefly killed off royalty
0:17:54 > 0:17:58# Stuart moaners, it's true
0:17:58 > 0:18:07# Cursed with the Blue Blooded Blues. #
0:18:07 > 0:18:08That's what I'm talking about.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19To win a war against the Germans, we had to outsmart them,
0:18:19 > 0:18:20and I'm not very smart.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23So thank heavens for Military Intelligence, Section five,
0:18:23 > 0:18:25better known as MI5,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28who were responsible for outsmarting the enemy.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Carry on!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31No, I'm afraid it's all very hush, hush.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Goodbye.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Agent Gibbons, I wasn't expecting you.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36No, of course not, sir.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39That's why I'm the best secret agent in MI5.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41You were the best secret agent in MI5.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Were? Are we talking in code, sir?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47No. Our new top secret mission, codename Mincemeat,
0:18:47 > 0:18:50requires a range of skills that simply you do not have.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Meet Major Mud.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, his disguise is incredible,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57he looks just like a dead tramp.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Oh, hello! He is a dead tramp.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03You're not seriously suggesting that a dead tramp
0:19:03 > 0:19:04could do a better job than me.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Well, he's very good at keeping secrets.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Speak English, man!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12You see, not a peep.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Look at that stiff upper lip.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15But that's rigor mortis.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Major Martin here
0:19:17 > 0:19:18will be swimming across the sea.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Uh, swimming? - Well, more floating, really.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26We're hoping that by chance somebody will fish out the floating body
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and find these plans, which claim
0:19:29 > 0:19:32we shall be invading Greece and Sardinia.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Now, when the Germans head there,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38we shall of course be invading here, Sicily.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41But why would anyone believe plans carried by a dead tramp?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Because, my dear Gibbons, we shall be disguising him,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47as Major Martin of the Royal Marines.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Hester!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Here you go, sir. And for extra believability,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I took the liberty of writing him some love letters.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57And it just so happens that we have a very important job for you, Gibbons.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Spiffing. I'd do anything for King and country, sire.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I want you to strip this tramp naked,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06give him a full body wash and then dress him.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09I don't suppose you're talking in code now, sir.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Good luck, Gibbons.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16That's true!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19MI5 really did use a dead body to trick the Germans.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Major Martin or, as I like to call him, Corporal Corpse. Hmm.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26And if you think that story's unbelievable,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28wait until you hear what the residents of Berlin
0:20:28 > 0:20:31ended up eating during World War II.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35'Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39'Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?'
0:20:39 > 0:20:44This competition is going to be war!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48No offence to anyone who's been in an actual war.
0:20:49 > 0:20:55'Hilda Schmidt is a housewife from Berlin in the Second World War.'
0:20:55 > 0:20:57So, Hilda, what have you got for us?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58I am serving duck.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Doesn't look much like duck.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Doesn't taste much like duck.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06That is because it is not duck, it is mock duck.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09So the war has been on for a few years now
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and the food supplies in Berlin have all but run out,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15so we have to make do with what we can get.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20So this duck, it is actually made with sausage meat,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23apples, onions and sage.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24It's not bad, but it's not duck.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27What's duck normally made from?
0:21:28 > 0:21:32'Hilda's fake starter hasn't gone down too well, except with Hilda.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36'But she's optimistic her main course will impress the judges.'
0:21:36 > 0:21:37What's that, Hilda?
0:21:37 > 0:21:41Oh, this is goose in cream sauce, with potatoes.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Mock goose?
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Ja. Made of potatoes with apples and cheese.
0:21:47 > 0:21:48So basically, it's just potatoes.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Ja, in a cream sauce.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Mock cream?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Ja. Made from margarine,
0:21:54 > 0:21:56milk powder und sugar.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It's not half bad. Could do with more sugar.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- You think everything needs more sugar.- That's cos everything does.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Five minutes, people.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Five minutes, Hilda!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08'In an unprecedented move on Historical MasterChef,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12'Hilda is eating her main course and starting again from scratch.'
0:22:12 > 0:22:15OK, guys, meals of food onto plates.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18So, Hilda,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20talk us through your plate of meal.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23So, this is rhino,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26this is tiger und this is gorilla.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Mock rhino, what do you make that out of, acorns and dog's mess?
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Nein, nein, nein.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35This is real rhino, from a real rhino.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38I'm sorry, you can't eat that, that's too rare.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Uh, would you prefer it well done?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42No, I mean rhino's too rare,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44as are gorillas and tigers.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Listen, Liebling,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48meat is rare in World War II Berlin,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50you eat what you can get.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Where did you get these animals from?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Uh, the zoo.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55The residents of Berlin have killed and eaten
0:22:55 > 0:22:57most of the zoo animals.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59So, if you're not going to eat it,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00do you mind?
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Thank you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Hilda, I've had some pretty unacceptable food served up to me
0:23:09 > 0:23:11in this kitchen over the last few years,
0:23:11 > 0:23:16but rhino, tiger and gorilla steak are an all-time low.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20However, we are putting you through to the next round
0:23:20 > 0:23:22cos I'd like to see you eat some proper food.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23- Oh!- Congratulations.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Thank you.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47The answer is B,
0:23:47 > 0:23:48but it wasn't long before
0:23:48 > 0:23:50the ban on executions was lifted.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53In the Middle Ages, executions were public events
0:23:53 > 0:23:56and sometimes could get pretty rowdy.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oh, Thomas of Lancaster,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00you have been brought to this place
0:24:00 > 0:24:02in the snows of winter,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05to have your head struck from your body.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Are you ready to meet your fate?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I am.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11And as I leave this world,
0:24:11 > 0:24:15let my family know that I faced my sentence with grea...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Dignity and grace.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I am a proud man
0:24:21 > 0:24:23who has done his duty.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24Right, who threw that?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27I'm about to die here, do you really think
0:24:27 > 0:24:29this is an appropriate time for a snowball fight?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I take that as a yes.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Agh, that's gone right down my neck.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I hate it when that happens, shivers down your...agh!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Right, no, right, no, you stop that.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You'd think an execution would be entertainment enough.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45I think they're making a snowman. So do you want to do this quickly, while they're busy?
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Agh, some dignity at last.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50This is how I, Earl Thomas of Lancaster, shall be remembered.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Um, when you're done, can we borrow your head for our snowman?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- Who, me?- Yeah.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Um, yeah, I won't be using it.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Cheers, thanks.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04There really was a snowball fight at the execution
0:25:04 > 0:25:06of Earl Thomas of Lancaster.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11And his wasn't the only stupid death in the Middle Ages, I can tell you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:25:15 > 0:25:18# They're funny cos they're true Woo!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# Hope next time it's not you. # Ha, hee.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Ooh, daduh, dadee, daduh, dadee, daduh, dadee, dee dee.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Ah, that's more like it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Nothing like a good spring clean.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32What's that?
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Oh, yes, it does smell a lot better now, doesn't it?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37The scent of open flowers, no less.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Hee. Right, let's get on with it. Next!
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Oh, heavens above!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Oh, lummy, I've just cleaned that floor.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Sorry. Sorry about all the... Sorry.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50And you are?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Uh, Richard the Raker, gong farmer.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Hmm-mm, my card.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Urgh!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I know this is a long shot,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01but is gong another word for something smelly?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Yes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Is it poo?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06It is poo! In the Middle Ages,
0:26:06 > 0:26:09toilets used to empty directly into a cesspit beneath,
0:26:09 > 0:26:14and when they were full, my job was to empty them out, hence gong farmer.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Nice work, if you can get it. Not!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh, because it's not, yeah. Yeah.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Nah, it's not.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Anyway, uh, one day I fell through a toilet floor
0:26:23 > 0:26:25and drowned in the cesspit beneath.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ooh, that's weird, don't seem to find that that funny.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Must be losing my mojo.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Well, I suppose it's just an occupational hazard
0:26:33 > 0:26:34in your line of work, isn't it?
0:26:34 > 0:26:38That's the ironic thing, in fact, it was actually my day off.
0:26:38 > 0:26:43I fell through my own toilet floor and drowned in my own gong.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44You du, you du...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48- There's the doozy.- Yeah.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49I knew it'd come.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Do you know, in my list of favourite stupid deaths,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55that's got to be number two! Ha-ha!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Cos it rhymes with poo.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58- No, it's a clever joke. - Thanks a lot.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00You're through to the afterlife.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02The showers are on the left, just on your way in.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I could probably do with a bit of a, whoo!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Yeah, tell us about it.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09- Bit of a spritz. Ooh.- All right, all right, off you pop. Bye!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Look at the mess he's made on the floor there.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Haven't got a mop either.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Um, listen, you wouldn't mind if I flipped you upside down
0:27:19 > 0:27:21and used you, would you?
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Ooh, after all I've done for you.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25She won't be with us next season.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28Next!
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# Hope next time it's not you. # Ho-hoo!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:37 > 0:27:38If you enjoyed that,
0:27:38 > 0:27:39why not play the new
0:27:39 > 0:27:42ADBC Time Tour music game?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Go to the CBBC Website
0:27:44 > 0:27:46and click on Horrible Histories.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Rock on!
0:27:47 > 0:27:48# The past is no longer a mystery
0:27:48 > 0:27:49# Hope you enjoyed...
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# Horrible Histories. #
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd