0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:04# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:15#Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:22# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:41When Edward III chose York Minster for his wedding in 1328,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43there was still building work to be done,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47and that made for quite an eventful day.
0:00:47 > 0:00:48I, King Edward III.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I, Edward.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Do take thee, Philippa of Hainault.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- Take thee, Philippa. - To be my lawfully wedded wife.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57To be my...
0:00:57 > 0:00:58HAMMERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:01To be my lawfully wedd...
0:01:01 > 0:01:03SAWING
0:01:03 > 0:01:05To be my lawfully wedded...
0:01:05 > 0:01:06WHISTLING
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- Phil!- Yes, mate.- Do you want milk with your hot water, mate?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11- Oh, yes please, mate.- All right. - Ah!
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Mind yourself, love.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Is this really necessary? It's just we are trying to get married here.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Well to be entirely fair, Your Majesty,
0:01:17 > 0:01:22I did say we were having some work done when you booked the wedding.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Yes, but I didn't think it was going to be this intrusive.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Oh, come now, it's not that bad, is it?- Well, I think it is.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Wouldn't you agree, dear?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Dear?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Left a bit, Phil.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Ah!- Mind yourself, love!
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I mean, I just said that.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Look, we are trying to have a royal wedding here.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42- Actually we've almost finished.- I've put the strut over the choir screen.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44And this bad boy is the last of the columns.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Well done you. Now, if you wouldn't mind.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Although I have got a niggling feeling
0:01:49 > 0:01:51that we've forgotten something, though.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53BUILDERS: Oh...
0:01:53 > 0:01:55The roof! THEY LAUGH
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Well, I always said I wanted a white wedding.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59PHIL LAUGHS
0:01:59 > 0:02:03OK, the workmen stuff is just silly, but it's true.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06When Edward III got married, the roof wasn't finished,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09and it really did start to snow.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I once went to a friend's outdoor wedding when it poured with rain.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15It was OK, though, my friend's a duck.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Edward III was famous for starting the 100 Years' War
0:02:19 > 0:02:24against the French, which featured this famous battle.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26'Coming soon to a field in northern France...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28'Agincourt.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30'The most memorable battle of the age.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33'A true story of conflict between the superior French knights...'
0:02:33 > 0:02:36We vastly outnumber the English.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38We are better armed, and we are playing at home.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- This is going to be slaughter. - '..and Welsh and English underdogs,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44'outnumbered, ill-equipped and desperate.'
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Might have some of this mouldy bread for lunch.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Oh yeah. - Yeah, I might save it though.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50What, for dinner or summat?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No, in case I get badly wounded.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I can shove the mould in the wound, it kills the infection.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Oh, nice. I'm going to have some of this cheese.
0:02:58 > 0:02:59'There would be no mercy.'
0:02:59 > 0:03:01This is going to be slaughter.
0:03:01 > 0:03:06- You said that already.- I know. I just like the word slaughter.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Chargez! - They're coming, they're coming!
0:03:09 > 0:03:11'All the English archers had was determination...'
0:03:11 > 0:03:13They're still coming!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Taking a long time, aren't they? - Yeah, I think they're stuck.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17'..and lots of mud.'
0:03:17 > 0:03:22OK, heavy armour, too many knights, too little room,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24lots of arrows and lots of mud.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27We probably should have thought this through a little better.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30'Witness the easiest comeback of all time.'
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Let's just wander over there and stab 'em up.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34It's a bit harsh.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36They started it.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Ah, do you think we could call this a draw?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Where's your horse gone, mate? - I'm sitting on it.
0:03:42 > 0:03:43HORSE NEIGHS
0:03:43 > 0:03:45'Agincourt - a name to be remembered,
0:03:45 > 0:03:47'a battle best forgotten, probably.'
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Let's strip 'em and sell their armour.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51HORSE WHINNIES
0:03:56 > 0:03:57In Victorian times,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00the criminals used a lot of slang words for things.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03In fact, they practically had their own language.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07All right, listen up, this is a flummet job.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11We'll need a rook, some Davy's dust and a fagger.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Luckily I knows a nemmo who'll crack a crib for a spangle, any questions?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Um...sorry, I'm new.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Could we run through that again?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Well, it's a flummet job. - OK, I'll stop you there.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- Flummet?- Dangerous.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Oh, golly! Oh right, well, carry on.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Right, we'll need a rook. - A bird?- A crowbar, you Tommy tug!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33It's Martin actually, Martin Smith,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35and can I just say this is all very exciting.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38Look, can you get us some Davy's dust, or what?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Well I could get us some Martin's dust if that will help.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43He means gunpowder, you strut noddy.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Gunpowder?
0:04:44 > 0:04:48There's no need to yaffle, do you want the raw lobsters on our tail?
0:04:48 > 0:04:52I'm sorry, are you afraid we'll be pursued by uncooked seafood?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54No, not seafood.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56The cheese, the nosers.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Whoa, am I glad I'm not in your head.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I mean where did this fear of cheese come from?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Do you want a ding on the coconut?
0:05:03 > 0:05:04Oh, pudding, yes please.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07He's talking about the peelers, you doddy.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Is that to peel the cheese or the coconut?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The rozzers, the crushers, the blue devils?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13The cops.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Oh, the police! Well, why didn't you just say?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Because if they could understand what we're saying,
0:05:18 > 0:05:21then they'd know what we're up to, wouldn't they?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And what are we up to?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28- We're planning a burglary. - Ah, as I suspected all along.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Detective Martin Smith, Scotland Yard,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35who's the strut noddy now, you back jumping gumps?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- We are.- It's a fair cop.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52The answer is...
0:05:52 > 0:05:53All three.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57In Victorian times, you could be fined for a lot of petty things,
0:05:57 > 0:06:00but there were also more serious crimes.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Hello. My name is...
0:06:06 > 0:06:08Well, it's none of your concern.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11You're watching The Real Victorian Hustle.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15The show where real Victorian criminals
0:06:15 > 0:06:17show you real Victorian scams. Hand it back, Dodger.
0:06:17 > 0:06:22First up, an entry-level hustle, the shivering dodge.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26'On a cold morning,
0:06:26 > 0:06:29'just wear your thinnest clothes and shiver like crazy.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33'With any luck, some tom tug mug will take pity on you.'
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Oh my, you poor street urchin, you look positively freezing.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- I am perishing cold, sir. - Here, buy yourself something warm.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Oh thank you, kind sir. (Tom tug.)
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- What did you say? - Er...I'll buy a rug.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Coat would seem more practical, but still.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52I'll look after those, shall I, Dodger?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54How comes it's me who does the hard work,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56but you gets to keep the spangle?
0:06:56 > 0:06:57Cos I'm the brains.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Next hustle, the Lucifer dodge.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06'All you need is a tray full of matches to sell,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08'and, of course, another rich tom tug.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11'Just pretend they've made you spill the matches.'
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- Oh no, me matches! - HE SOBS
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Here's something for your trouble, boy.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26For this last hustle, the scaldrum dodge,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30you just cover your bare arms with soap and rub in some vinegar.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36'The unholy mess should look like ugly blisters.'
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Oh, please help me, sir, I'm so very sick.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41'If the soap on your arms isn't working for you,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44'then you can also try sticking some soap in your mouth.'
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'm so very sick.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50'Or even try strapping a leg up to make it look you've lost one.'
0:07:52 > 0:07:57If you're thinking of trying any of these hustles, do be warned,
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Victorian police are wise to them,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03largely because most Victorian police officers
0:08:03 > 0:08:06are ex-criminals who grew up doing them themselves.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09There he is, officer, there's the man who stole all my money.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10You little snick, Dodger.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You're nicked.
0:08:12 > 0:08:17One other Victorian hustle was to eat bread left out for the birds
0:08:17 > 0:08:20until someone took pity on you and gave you some cash.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Though trust me, do not try nicking bread off a swan,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28they may look pretty, but they're ugly on the inside.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38"And now, an infomercial from Roman leader, Julius Caesar."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41'Do you have thick, lustrous, touchable hair?'
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Aaah!
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Yeah, well, so did I.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Get lost, hairy, seriously.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49But believe me, guys, it doesn't last forever.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I seemed to be losing more and more hair each day.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55It was really getting me down.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Until I invented this -
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Julius Caesar's new "Romeover,"
0:09:00 > 0:09:02the complete dictator's hair loss solution.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04'It's amazing!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06'To solve your hair loss problems today,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08'just comb your remaining hair forward
0:09:08 > 0:09:12'over the balding part of your head to create this incredible illusion
0:09:12 > 0:09:15'of thick, silky hair that's bursting with volume. It's awesome!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17'Just look at the results.'
0:09:17 > 0:09:19In fact, with your Romeover in place,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22people won't know that your hair's receding.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23Right, guys?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Fabulous.- Fabulous, fabulous. You look like a lion.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28So don't delay, get your Romeover today.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31'Warning: Romeover only works with people too scared
0:09:31 > 0:09:32'to tell you the truth.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36'And also from the creator of the Romeover, the laurel wreath.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39The Roman status symbol that also covers up your baldest bits,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41making you feel ten years younger.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Hail Caesar.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Yeah, I bet you do.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48So try Julius Caesar's new Romeover and laurel wreath today,
0:09:48 > 0:09:52and say goodbye to baldness forever.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Perfect.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56'Warning: not designed to work in a strong wind.'
0:09:56 > 0:10:01It's true. Julius Caesar really did try to cover up his baldness.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Actually, I used to be a bit embarrassed about my bald tail,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07till I realised I'm not a squirrel.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08HE LAUGHS
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Anyway, what's better known about Julius Caesar
0:10:10 > 0:10:14is that he landed in Britain in 55 BC.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16It was the first Roman invasion of Britain,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19but certainly not the last.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Hello and welcome to News at When.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29When? Just over 2,000 years ago,
0:10:29 > 0:10:34when a series of emperors from Rome, calling themselves Roman Emperors,
0:10:34 > 0:10:38decided to try and add Britain to their ever-growing empire.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Here with more details on this intriguing invasion
0:10:41 > 0:10:43is Bob Hale with the Roman Britain report.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Bob.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Thank you, Sam.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Well, it's around 100 years BC, and that right there,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51unless I'm very much mistaken, is my Britain-shaped birthmark, and...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Oh, no, that's actually Britain.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Which is full of Celts.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57There's one, that's his brother, there's a mate...
0:10:57 > 0:10:58actually there's loads of them.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01And they live a happy tribal life in little mini-kingdoms
0:11:01 > 0:11:04just like they have done since the Iron Age.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05But not for long!
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yes, it's 55 BC, and who should rock up but Julius Caesar,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11who, believing that the Celts are helping an anti-Roman rebellion
0:11:11 > 0:11:13over in France, decides to teach Britain a lesson,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16specifically a lesson in how to badly organise an invasion.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Yes, Caesar's plan to invade Britain completely fails,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21so he comes up with a bold new plan,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24which, somewhat unoriginally, is to try and invade Britain again.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes, he came, he saw, he took a few prisoners,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30he got bored, he went home, and that's the end of that.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31But not for long!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yes, next up to try and add Britain to the Roman Empire
0:11:34 > 0:11:36is crazy Caligula, who forgets to tell his troops
0:11:36 > 0:11:39about the invasion, and has to cancel the whole thing.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41So he declares war on the sea instead,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43and takes a load of seashells as prisoners,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45which is weirder than my cousin Keith,
0:11:45 > 0:11:46and he wears trousers made of bacon.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Then finally, in 43 AD, Emperor Claudius gets the job done
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and Britain is invaded by an expansionist foreign power.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54- Hooray! - FANFARE
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Or boo, depending on how you like to look at it.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Claudius sweeps through what we now call England
0:11:58 > 0:12:00using a tried and tested combination
0:12:00 > 0:12:02of smooth talk and unimaginable violence.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06But the Celts are no pushover, no siree, whoever that is.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09A certain Miss Boudicca decides to fight back,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12leading 100,000 Celts to face a mere 10,000 Romans
0:12:12 > 0:12:14at the Battle of Watling Street,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16which is pretty good odds by my maths.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Which may explain why I failed maths.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Because, despite being outnumbered ten to one,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22the Romans completely clobber the Celts.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Then they whack the Welsh, knock out the north,
0:12:25 > 0:12:27and push right up into Scotland, right? Wrong!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You see, Scotland, or Caledonia as it was known then,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32is home to the Picts, fierce tribal warriors
0:12:32 > 0:12:33who make the Romans look like
0:12:33 > 0:12:36what my Scottish Uncle Kenny would call a big Jessie.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Though that may also be a reference to my Aunt Jessie,
0:12:39 > 0:12:40who is three metres tall.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Yes, after repeated attempts to invade Caledonia,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45and with beaten Romans, in every sense,
0:12:45 > 0:12:48it's Emperor Hadrian who decides to simply seal the Picts in
0:12:48 > 0:12:50by building a massive wall right across the country,
0:12:50 > 0:12:51and I'm not even joking.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Yes, it's Hadrian's Wall,
0:12:53 > 0:12:56with Caledonia to the north and Britannia to the south.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57So there we have it.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59The northern edge of the Roman Empire is established,
0:12:59 > 0:13:04everyone knows where they stand, and that's the end of that.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05But not for long!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07You see, the Lowland Picts, in the south of Caledonia,
0:13:07 > 0:13:09start trading with the Romans,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12but every time the Romans cross Hadrian's Wall to do a deal,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15the Highland Picts from up there run down and attack them.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16So the new emperor, Antoninus Pius,
0:13:16 > 0:13:18comes up with a groundbreaking new plan -
0:13:18 > 0:13:19another wall!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yes, he builds the Antonine Wall,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23which cuts off the warring Highlanders
0:13:23 > 0:13:25from the trading Lowlanders.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It's brilliant, it's inspired, it's a complete waste of time,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31as the Highlanders just climb over the wall and attack them anyway.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Until, in 211 AD,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35when Emperor Septimus Severus says, "Enough is enough,"
0:13:35 > 0:13:36or the Latin equivalent,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39and decides to finally show these Picts what the Romans are made of.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42He invades, he fights, he is completely beaten.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Beaten like the eggs in my Aunt Jessie's Victoria sponge mixture,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47and let's not forget she's three metres tall
0:13:47 > 0:13:48with arms like oak trees.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Anyway, realising that they'll never conquer Caledonia,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55the Romans concentrate on Britannia instead, and what a job they do.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58They introduce Roman roads, Roman food, Roman coins and Roman noses,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and Britain lives quite happily under Roman rule
0:14:01 > 0:14:02for four long centuries.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Until finally, with Rome itself under threat from invaders,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07in 410 AD, the Roman army leaves Britain,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10taking their technology and noses with them,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12and plunging Britain into a cultural decline
0:14:12 > 0:14:14often referred to as the Dark Ages.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15And how dark was it?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Well, by my estimations, at least as dark as this.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21CLANKING
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Well, I genuinely don't know what just happened.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Um...Ba...Back to you, Sam.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37The Renaissance era in Italy is well known for its rich cultural heritage
0:14:37 > 0:14:39but, at the time, Rome was ruled
0:14:39 > 0:14:42by some very wealthy and corrupt people,
0:14:42 > 0:14:44like Pope Alexander VI.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46KNOCK ON DOOR
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Yeah, can I help you?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I was hoping for an audience with His Excellency Pope Alexander VI.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Yeah, His Excellency is a little busy right now with church business.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Who is it, Cardinal?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's a young deacon to see you, Holy Father.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Show him in.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Holy Father.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Kiss it. What can I do for you, my son?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13There is no easy way to put this.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16There are rumours spreading throughout the Vatican that
0:15:16 > 0:15:21you are debauched and corrupt and not fit to hold the office of Pope.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I too have heard these rumours,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26but I can assure you there is absolutely no substance to them.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30My only desire is to serve the Roman Catholic Church.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Dinner will be ready in five minutes, my little popelet.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Thank you, sweet pea, love you.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38DOOR CLOSES
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Is there anything else?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Um, you do know that Popes are not allowed to be married, right?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47My dear friend, she's not my wife.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49- Thank goodness. - She's my girlfriend.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52But you must know that any relationship with a woman is
0:15:52 > 0:15:56highly inappropriate for a Pope. Next you'll say you have children.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Daddy, can you help me with my Latin homework?
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Not now, champ, Daddy's gotta talk popey business with the nice man.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- You run along, OK? - You have a child?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I don't have a child.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I have four, or is it five?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12It's so easy to lose count.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13But you can't have a family.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- It's OK, I cleared it. - With who?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Pope Alexander VI.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20But you are Pope Alexander VI.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Exactly, and I say it's fine.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25How in heaven's name were you voted in?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Easy, I bribed all the Cardinals.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Your Excellency, would you sign off on a few more backhanders?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Sure. Couple of cart loads
0:16:32 > 0:16:35- of silver should do the trick? - Yes, boss.- OK, get out of here.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40A girlfriend, family, bribery and corruption?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Everything I heard about you was true. It is disgusting!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Is there anything you wish to add to your list of crimes
0:16:46 > 0:16:50against this most holy of offices before I tell the world?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Yes.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Sometimes I arrange the murder of men who stir up trouble for me.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Well, everything seems to be fine here.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Good luck with all the popey stuff. Ciao!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11He's a good kid. He's a good kid.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12He's going to go far.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Where's my pizza?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19It's true, Pope Alexander VI was notorious
0:17:19 > 0:17:21for bribing his way to power.
0:17:21 > 0:17:27His actual name was Rodrigo Borgia, and his family, the Borgias,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30really put the horrible into Horrible Histories.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41# Lucrezia, Giovanni
0:17:41 > 0:17:43# Gioffre and Cesare
0:17:43 > 0:17:45# Italian barmy army,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47# The Borgia Family
0:17:47 > 0:17:49# Our daddy was Rodrigo
0:17:49 > 0:17:52# I had a monstrous ego
0:17:52 > 0:17:53# When he makes trouble we go
0:17:53 > 0:17:55# The Borgia Family
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# Our tale begins Renaissance Spain
0:17:57 > 0:17:59# Its leaders were a shower
0:17:59 > 0:18:03# And I ran out of patience so began my quest for power
0:18:03 > 0:18:07# I splashed my cash to all the Papal Cardinals in hope
0:18:07 > 0:18:08# That they'd be bought
0:18:08 > 0:18:09# They were in short
0:18:09 > 0:18:11# And I became the Pope
0:18:11 > 0:18:13# More power than I oughta
0:18:13 > 0:18:15# Blood's thicker than water
0:18:15 > 0:18:17# Appoint my sons and daughter
0:18:17 > 0:18:18# To run a dynasty
0:18:18 > 0:18:23# With Daddy as the Pope I could do as I pleased, was ace
0:18:23 > 0:18:26# I'd kill a man who'd dare to like invade my personal space
0:18:26 > 0:18:29# I found a husband for Lucrezia
0:18:29 > 0:18:30# Rich Giovanni Sforza
0:18:30 > 0:18:32# Do you love him?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35# Yes, of course, but love is power and money more so
0:18:35 > 0:18:36# Now married to the Sforzas
0:18:36 > 0:18:38# This opens up new doorses
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# The world bows down before us
0:18:40 > 0:18:42# The Borgia/Sforza Family
0:18:42 > 0:18:44# Oh yes and while we're at it
0:18:44 > 0:18:46# We will marry son Gioffre
0:18:46 > 0:18:48# Aged 12 but so what, soon we'll be
0:18:48 > 0:18:51# The Borgia/Sforza and the Naples family
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Ah.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55# When the Sforza family eventually bores ya
0:18:55 > 0:19:00# We'll just annul the marriage if he refuses to divorce ya
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Don't I get a say?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Don't fret, for you another man I'll get, Alfonso of Aragon.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I like him, this could go on and on.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You like him, I've gone off him, his pretty face makes me wince.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12You killed him?
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Yeah, I'm the model for Machiavelli's Prince.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17# Giovanni ran the army
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- # But Cesare said... - No way.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21# I'll kill you if you cross me
0:19:21 > 0:19:23# I might kill you anyway
0:19:23 > 0:19:27# I am the mostest powerfulest evillest of all
0:19:27 > 0:19:31# As long as Dad's alive there's not a single chance I'll fall
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Ugh!
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Oh, no.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35# We've suddenly lost status,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37# It seems the whole world hate us
0:19:37 > 0:19:39# They excommunicate us
0:19:39 > 0:19:43# The Borgia Family. #
0:19:45 > 0:19:46RIP.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Don't worry, the dentist will be with you shortly.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Oh, I hope so. Is Mr Ian good?
0:20:01 > 0:20:06- Mr Ian?- Yeah, on the sign outside, Mr George Ian.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Oh no, he's Mr Georgian. He's one of the most modern doctors
0:20:09 > 0:20:13here at the historical dentists. You're in safe-ish hands.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Ish?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Ah, good day to you.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I understand you are suffering from some rather serious dental pain.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Not to worry, we Georgian dentists are very advanced in this area.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27False teeth, fillings, the ill effects of too much sugar,
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- all these things are known to us. - That's very reassuring.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34As is the use of sticks, wee and gunpowder in cleaning teeth.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- What?- Hm, odd.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Right, open up, if you wouldn't mind.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Hm, now there is now some rather serious decay there,
0:20:43 > 0:20:45and so I could just scrape away the decaying area
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- and put a filling in it. - Well that sounds OK.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Shall I heat up the wire, doctor? Takes a while to get it red hot.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54What do you need a wire for?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Well, we touch your nerve ending with the red hot wire
0:20:57 > 0:20:59to cauterise it.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Now, what sort of filling would you like, lead or beeswax?
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Well, neither, lead's poisonous and beeswax will just melt.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09I could do you a porcelain one
0:21:09 > 0:21:12but, the solution we use in that process kills the tooth
0:21:12 > 0:21:14so you'd end up with a white filling in a black tooth.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18No, and frankly I don't want a red hot wire in my mouth anyway.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- Aah!- Yes. Now you do seem to be in a lot of pain.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I don't see why I shouldn't just remove the whole tooth.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Will that hurt?- Not unless I take half your jaw with it.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- What?- Now don't worry, that only happens
0:21:30 > 0:21:33when a Georgian barber does your dental work.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36I, on the other hand, am a professional operator to the teeth.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39That's what Georgians used to call dentists, it's very grand.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43We shall just remove the bad tooth and replace it with a false one.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Bit on the large side, isn't it?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Oh, I see, well I'm not going to... and then, oh, oh, oh.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53No, no, that's not going to happen.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Mandy will simply carve a false tooth from this walrus tusk.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Right away, Mr Georgian.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Well, that sounds all right.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- Right, lie on the floor for me, please.- What for?
0:22:03 > 0:22:07So I can clamp your head between my legs and rip out the tooth.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Oh.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Oh, that's strange. - Was it something you said?
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Did you know George Washington, the first President of America,
0:22:18 > 0:22:22had dentures made from hippo and elephant ivory? Ah!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Hey, they must have been huge!
0:22:25 > 0:22:26What was that?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29They were carved down? Oh, that's boring.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Still, he couldn't have looked any sillier than most posh Georgians
0:22:33 > 0:22:35with their ever-changing fashions.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40- Well?- Well what?
0:22:40 > 0:22:42You haven't noticed?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Yes, I have.- Well, then.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47You've got extra padding on your calves.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Oh, doesn't my hair look different?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Oh, of course, you've got a new wig.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Of course I've got a new wig!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Lord Humbertold is visiting from the city.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56He always wears the latest fashion,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00so I thought I'd pick out something a little more a la mode.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Right, well, I think a bigwig like me
0:23:03 > 0:23:06should look like a bigwig by having a big wig.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10But it's so last reign. George III's been in power for decades now.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Yes, well, you know what they say, fashion comes around every 30 years.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15< Lord Humbertold.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19He's arrived. Quick, hide behind me, maybe he won't see you.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Oh, good gracious, look at Lord Humbertold.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26You're not wearing a wig, you look ridiculous.
0:23:26 > 0:23:32- BOTH:- No wiggy, no wiggy, no wiggy!
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Did a thief lean into your coach and steal the wig from off of your head?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39It can happen, you know.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42There's a real black market for second-hand wigs now.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I haven't had my wig stolen.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46You lot in the shires are so behind the times,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49everyone in town knows the fashion's changing.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53It's fast becoming deeply unfashionable to wear a wig at all.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I knew that. Wigs are so passe.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58But, Cumberland, you just said...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Crimlington, you look ridiculous.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05- BOTH:- Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Shut up, all right, just shut up, shut up so much!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I thought you were my friend.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13HE CRIES
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Pain. Diagnosis?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Analysis, arthritis,
0:24:30 > 0:24:37eczema, gangrene, haemorrhoids, anaemia, acne.
0:24:37 > 0:24:38Anxiety.
0:24:38 > 0:24:45Hallucinations, amnesia, mania, paralysis, allergy.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Haemorrhage.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48- Oh, oh!- Hysteria.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Pharmacy?
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Antiseptic?
0:24:55 > 0:24:56Autopsy.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Sympathy.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08We Greeks made great progress in the science of medicine,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11but not all our methods were so very advanced.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Phoar! Something smells fishy in Greece,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and I'm not just talking about the taramasalata.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I'm Dom Duckworth, here to investigate the highly dubious
0:25:21 > 0:25:25medical practices of the so-called Asklepian doctor priests.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31I've come to the temple of Asklepius, the Greek god of healing,
0:25:31 > 0:25:35where a doctor priest is making some pretty bold claims.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Last week this man only had one eye.
0:25:40 > 0:25:46While he slept, Asklepius rubbed ointment onto his eyelid
0:25:46 > 0:25:49and, behold, he woke up with two eyes.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I am cured.
0:25:51 > 0:25:52CROWD: Ooh!
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Never happened.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58And when this Spartan boy was suffering from water on the brain,
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Asklepius cut off his head, drained off the water
0:26:03 > 0:26:05and stitched it back on again.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Look, no scars.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08CROWD: Ooh!
0:26:09 > 0:26:14In our care, everyone gets better and no-one dies.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18We're proud of our 100% no-death record.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Excuse me, Dom Duckworth, can I have word?
0:26:20 > 0:26:24- No comment.- Where did you get the money from, mate?- No comment.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Why won't you talk to me?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29So, how do they keep up their 100% no-deaths record?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31We spoke to this bloke.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34If you've got a cold or something you'll easily recover from,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36the doctor priests will let you in,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38but if it's serious and you're likely to die, they won't.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- And how do you know this? - They refused to let me in.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46And there's worse.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50This is Nigel, a slave who works at the temple.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- Permission to speak, Nigel. - Thank you.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57If someone dies when they're in the temple
0:26:57 > 0:26:59we have to dump their body in the woods.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Actually, there's a huge pile of rotting dead corpses
0:27:03 > 0:27:05in a fetid, rancid heap, I could show you if you like?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07No, you're all right, mate.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It's time for Dom to go undercover.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15I've put on the old helmet-cam, I'm going to front things up. Ssh!
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Excuse me, I need to see an Asklepian doctor priest.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Is it serious? - I'll say it's serious.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- Well, then I'm busy.- I don't mean it's serious as in I'm seriously ill,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I mean the whole temple thing is just a scam for making money.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30What have you got to say for yourself?
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Have you met the temple's sacred hounds? Get him!
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Oh no, oh no! You've done it this time, Dom.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38BARKING
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Oh, why do you do it, Dom?
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Next week, I'll be investigating the Oracle at Corinth.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Can you really hear voices of the gods coming from below,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52or is it just a priest shouting up a hole?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55My guess is it's just a priest. Right, I need a hospital, cheers.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# We gave you all the fearsome facts... #
0:27:57 > 0:28:00If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?
0:28:00 > 0:28:04Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06See you there.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media