0:00:02 > 0:00:05- # Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians - Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- # Woeful wars, ferocious fights - Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10- # Horrors that defy description - Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- # Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes - Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- # Groovy Greeks, brainy sages - Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh, hello there.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm busy making a romantic candlelit dinner
0:00:42 > 0:00:44for my new girlfriend, Ratterly.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48I'm cooking cockroach in "jus de rubbish bag".
0:00:48 > 0:00:50While I get ready, you have a look
0:00:50 > 0:00:54at that great historical heartbreaker, Henry VIII
0:00:54 > 0:00:58and the story of his shortest marriage to Anne of Cleves.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07This week, in Dating In Darkness,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10it's the turn of rotund royal Henry VIII
0:01:10 > 0:01:12to see if love really is blind.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16It's what's on the inside that counts, isn't it?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Personality, I mean, not guts and stuff.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19HE CHUCKLES
0:01:19 > 0:01:22In our pitch black dating room is Anne of Cleves.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24She's been picked as the best match
0:01:24 > 0:01:25to be Henry's fourth wife.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28They're already engaged, but they've never laid eyes on each other.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30As long as she has a good sense of humour,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34enjoys long walks in the park and vicious beheadings,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37then that's all that matters, isn't it, yeah.
0:01:37 > 0:01:38It's not about looks,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42although I have had a sneaky portrait commissioned.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Lovely, isn't she?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45He's got artist, Hans Holbein, to paint a picture of her.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Well, that's completely against the rules of the show.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Although, if you remember, I am the King
0:01:50 > 0:01:54and I do enjoy cutting people's heads off, so...
0:01:54 > 0:01:57However, it has been allowed on this occasion.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Good lad.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03It's time for Henry to head into our dating room
0:02:03 > 0:02:04for his darkened date with Anne.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07But will the royal wedding be off when the lights go on?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- Hello.- Hallo?
0:02:12 > 0:02:13- Oh!- Oh!
0:02:13 > 0:02:14HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:02:14 > 0:02:17I'm Henry, the King.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- IN GERMAN:- Was?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Do you speak English?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Ich spreche Deutsch.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Oh, that's a bind.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So I've already got three marriages under my belt,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I can't afford to be choosy.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Do you like eating copious quantities of meat?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Ich verstehe dich nicht.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I'm going to pretend that was a yes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41So what does Henry think of his German date?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44My favourite advisor, Thomas Cromwell, seems to think
0:02:44 > 0:02:47it's a good match - "political reasons", apparently.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I mean, that's a very shallow reason to get married, but...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52So, I'm going to base it
0:02:52 > 0:02:54on what her portrait looks like.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Yeah. Let's tie the knot.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Oh, come here, you...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Henry has decided to marry Anne of Cleves,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04which means it's time for the 48-year-old king
0:03:04 > 0:03:05and his 24-year-old bride-to-be
0:03:05 > 0:03:08to lay eyes on each other for the very first time.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11HE YELLS
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, switch it off, switch it off!
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Was ist los?
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Oh, she looks like a horse.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17I'm going to kill that Holbein
0:03:17 > 0:03:19when I get my hands on him.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21But...how do I get out of here?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So what does the future hold for Henry and Anne?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Well, it looks like I'm going to have to marry her,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29as agreed, for "political reasons".
0:03:29 > 0:03:30HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I'll give it six months, I'll get it annulled
0:03:32 > 0:03:35and then move on to my fifth wife.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Was?
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I said I love you very much.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh, ich liebe dich auch.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46She has hay in her teeth.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Seriously, I think she's been eating hay.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Another Tudor who was no oil painting was Elizabeth I.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54She had flattering portraits too,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56but it still didn't make her lucky in love.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Might have been something to do with her temper.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Walsingham, what happened to you?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07The Queen threw a slipper at me... again!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Oh, what did you do this time?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11I told her she had a short temper.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Oh, you idiot, you know that makes her angry!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16I know. Have you finished her portrait yet?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Oh, well, it's getting there, but I'm petrified -
0:04:18 > 0:04:20what if she doesn't like it?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- You'd better hope she's in a good mood.- Is she ever?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- No. - 'Where's my portrait!?'
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Oh, I can't look!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It's grotesque!
0:04:31 > 0:04:36The hideous nose, rotten teeth and pockmarked skin.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Walsingham, have that man relieved of the burden of his head.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Ma'am, you're looking into a mirror.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Oh!
0:04:44 > 0:04:45This is the portrait.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Ah.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52Petite nose, perfect teeth, porcelain skin,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55why, however, did you manage to capture my good looks?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Well, m'lady, I just did an exact copy
0:04:57 > 0:05:00of the only portrait you've ever liked.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01As per your orders.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Splendid.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Do me another and see if you can capture my regal beauty again.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I think it looks nothing like her.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13I heard that.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Love in the Middle Ages wasn't much prettier.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25William the Conqueror, for instance, was a big bully
0:05:25 > 0:05:28who thought violence was an acceptable way to woo a woman.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I don't know what's wrong with a few nice flowers.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, lovely.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36He was the vicious, arrogant Norman Duke
0:05:36 > 0:05:38who would one day rule England.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Oh, really? Good, I like England,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43apart from the weather.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Oh, and the food, and the people, mm-hm.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48She was the beautiful granddaughter
0:05:48 > 0:05:50of the French King.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Grandpapa, can I have a pony?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Yes, have a hundred ponies.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55I love you, Grandpapa.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58And when William asked for her hand in marriage,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01there was only ever going to be one answer.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04No way. I'm way too posh for that stinky Duke William.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I'm going to marry, like, a Prince or something.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10But William wouldn't take "non" for an answer.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14He set off on a journey to win the heart of the beautiful princess.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Stand up.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17I am standing up.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Wow, you're very small.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Yeah, I'm, like, four foot. What do you want?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I want you to marry me.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I will NEVER marry you.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Hm, we'll see about that.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Duke William used all his charm to make Matilda fall in love with him.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Marry me?
0:06:35 > 0:06:36No!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Marry me?
0:06:40 > 0:06:41No.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Marry me?
0:06:45 > 0:06:46OK.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Great.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Hey, woo, woo, woo! Now, hang on a minute. What was all that about?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- All what?- All that! You pulling her hair
0:06:53 > 0:06:55and pushing her in the mud and stuff?
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Well, it's just what happened, she said no, so I pulled her hair
0:06:58 > 0:07:00and then I pushed her in the mud and...
0:07:00 > 0:07:01But you can't do that.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Yeah, yeah, I know, it was terrible,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05but actually, he turned out to be a really good husband.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- Yeah, we were together 30 years. - We had 11 beautiful children.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Yeah, but it's kinda... but I, er, you...
0:07:12 > 0:07:13BOTH: What?
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Ah, forget it!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17So where were we?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Coming soon to a cinema near you,
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Mud And Matilda, a tale of loving...
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and shoving.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Oi, I already said yes.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Oh, sorry, my bad.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Rated unreasonable.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37It wasn't just royals who had a rough time in the romance stakes.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40All Middle Ages weddings were really quite odd.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43This week in My Middle Ages Wedding Magazine,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45everything you need
0:07:45 > 0:07:46for an unforgettable day.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Read our top Middle Ages bridal makeover tips.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52How to stop your hair growing using ant eggs.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54And how to get rid of those annoying freckles
0:07:54 > 0:07:57with a mixture of hare's blood and swallow's eyes.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00And our experts test out a variety of wedding cakes,
0:08:00 > 0:08:01so you don't have to.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03SHE YELLS
0:08:03 > 0:08:06If the cake's too heavy, it'll hurt the bride when it's thrown at her.
0:08:06 > 0:08:07What about that one?
0:08:07 > 0:08:14Ah-hah! Bruised, but no permanent damage, so it's perfect!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16And don't miss this week's special feature.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Real Middle Ages brides give you tips on sorting out
0:08:18 > 0:08:20that troublesome guest list.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I had a total nightmare trying to work out how to squeeze
0:08:23 > 0:08:25all of our guests into the venue.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28But then half of them died of the plague. Brilliant.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30That's all in My Middle Ages Wedding Magazine.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I always dreamed of having a perfect Middle Ages wedding,
0:08:33 > 0:08:36kissing my husband over a pile of bread and cakes
0:08:36 > 0:08:39and having sawdust thrown at me, and it's all come true.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Thanks to my Middle Ages Wedding Magazine.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Free bag of sawdust with every copy.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54They say love hurts. Well, it does if you're a Roman leader
0:08:54 > 0:08:57and you fall for Egyptian Queen, Cleopatra.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59She could be trouble, oh, yes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Excellent!
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Thanks for the ad, smiley hieroglyphic.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15RINGING
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Huh, it's him.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Hail, Queen Cleopatra!
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Hail yourself.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Yeah, I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile
0:09:25 > 0:09:26and I couldn't help but notice
0:09:26 > 0:09:27you haven't got many friends.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Yeah, well, I did have my sister,
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Pharaoh Cleopatra VI,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33but she died in suspicious circumstances.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38but she was executed.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Then, there were my half brothers,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt
0:09:48 > 0:09:50is a pretty dangerous job, Cleo.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Do you never get scared?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53SHE LAUGHS
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Oh, no, no, no, no, I'll be fine,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Yeah.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02And now he's dead.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03Yeah.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Er, er, about that, there's now a vacancy,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08so do you want to go out with me?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09No.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, please, please, please, please, please.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I'll put you on my top-ten friends list.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh, OK. In for a denarius,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17in for a sestertius.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19HE CHUCKLES
0:10:19 > 0:10:21More like a top-two friends list.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Who's this other one?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Oh, yeah, that's my sister, Arsinoe.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27At last, a member of your family who isn't dead?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Hm, about that.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Cleo...
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Yeah, the thing is she's the last threat to my throne.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36So I need to have Arsinoe killed.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant, do you?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Um...?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Please, please, please, please, please?- Oh, OK.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47There we go! Nasty business,
0:10:47 > 0:10:49but had to be done.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Now you and me can rule the Egyptian Empire in peace.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Right, great.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54BEEP
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Oh! Oh, what was that noise?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Did something go wrong?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59Oh, yeah,
0:10:59 > 0:11:02it says there's a problem with the transaction.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I probably just need to update my Papyrus Pal account.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Oh.- What...what is it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Yeah, turns out Arsinoe was on the steps of the sacred temple
0:11:12 > 0:11:14when you murdered her.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15When I murdered her?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Rome is up in arms. We're in big trouble.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20What are we going to do?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Well, if we want to die with dignity,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman Army get to us.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29What! Oh, this is most inconvenient.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh, well, I suppose.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34No, no, no, wait, I suppose we could pretend to kill ourselves
0:11:34 > 0:11:35and then just hide.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Oh, oh, now you tell me, Cleo,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41you are literally the worst girlfriend I've ever had
0:11:41 > 0:11:43and I've had some shockers.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Urgh.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Right...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Looks like I'll have to do the same then.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Er, phew.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56I mean, that's quite a regal way to go.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58An asp!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Perfect.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01How much?
0:12:01 > 0:12:0520 bronze coins for packaging?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Well, I suppose it is quite a long tube.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15It's...
0:12:15 > 0:12:16false.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And when she died, he even made her into a goddess.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27But not all Roman Emperors made such good husbands.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29New from HH Pictures.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I now pronounce you Emperor and wife,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Emperor Nero, you may kiss the bride.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You lucky, lucky thing.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41He was the man who had everything.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43- Land.- I love you.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Power.- Hail me.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Grapes.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50A lot of grapes.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And the woman of his dreams.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54I love you, darling.
0:12:54 > 0:12:55I don't blame you.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Then, one day, possibly while shopping for grapes...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01I'm not paying for these. My Empire, my rules.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04..Nero met the woman of his dreams.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Yes, another one.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Who is that?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Do you want to go out with me?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Won't your wife mind?
0:13:14 > 0:13:16I shouldn't think so. Do you mind?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Yes, I mind.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Hm, you can never second-guess these things.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25But Nero was prepared to do anything to be with the woman he loved.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27No, no, the other one.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Yeah, yeah, that one there.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36I need a sign, something to show that you love me now, not her.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Right, well, something more than grapes,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41because I've got loads of grapes.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Yes, something more than grapes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Right.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Er...
0:13:47 > 0:13:52This summer, one Emperor will prove that love is a gift.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Darling, it's just what I wanted.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Your wife's severed head in a basket.
0:13:58 > 0:14:03Coming soon, the film that puts the Roman in romantic comedy.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06You would never cut off my head and put it in a basket, would you?
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Baby, of course not.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- I'm going to have you kicked to death.- What!
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Ssh, nothing.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Love You To Death.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Based on a true story.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Rated even more unreasonable.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24Well, so far, we've met some of the worst love rats in history.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Where does that expression "love rats" come from?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I mean, as if being a rat could ever be a bad thing.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Anyway, that lot did all do
0:14:32 > 0:14:36some pretty shocking things in the name of romance.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48# I'm Henry VIII, as you know
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# I'm the king who married six
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# But I'm not what you call a romantic though
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# In fact, in love I was the pits
0:14:56 > 0:15:01# Kath and Jane and Cath all ended up divorced or dead
0:15:01 > 0:15:02# I'm just the same
0:15:02 > 0:15:03# Nero's the name
0:15:03 > 0:15:05# Killed the wife
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Sent my girlfriend the gift of her head
0:15:07 > 0:15:09# Then Poppaea met a bad end
0:15:09 > 0:15:12# Kicked and beaten I'm the worst boyfriend
0:15:12 > 0:15:13# That's what I was doing
0:15:13 > 0:15:15# When I was wooing my wife Matilda
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# What? I never killed her!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19# Love rats
0:15:19 > 0:15:22# I only married once Shouldn't be in the song
0:15:22 > 0:15:24# Love rats
0:15:24 > 0:15:27# William the Conqueror You are wrong
0:15:27 > 0:15:29# It wasn't just men
0:15:29 > 0:15:32# Some rats were wonderfully pretty
0:15:32 > 0:15:34# I'm Cleopatra
0:15:34 > 0:15:37# Loved a match that offered power
0:15:37 > 0:15:39# Married one brother, he died
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# I wed another, but he wasn't the one for me
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# Julius Caesar My next romantic squeeze
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# Ended up with Mark Antony
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# His death was your fault As I recall
0:15:50 > 0:15:53# Didn't mean for that to happen at all
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# Still think I shouldn't be here I held my wife dear
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# After you'd bullied her I'd say it's fully fair
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba
0:16:04 > 0:16:09# Ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba
0:16:09 > 0:16:11# Love rats
0:16:11 > 0:16:14# Who are you? You don't look bad
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# Love rats
0:16:16 > 0:16:19# Edward VIII, 20th-century lad
0:16:19 > 0:16:20# Edward VIII?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22# Now, there's no debate
0:16:22 > 0:16:23# You really shouldn't be here
0:16:23 > 0:16:27# I do agree Though love conquered me
0:16:27 > 0:16:29# Abdicated the throne for Wallis Simpson dear
0:16:29 > 0:16:32# Love rats
0:16:32 > 0:16:34# Wallis divorced So I was forced to pick
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# Love rats
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# Between love and crown
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# You chose love, that's sick!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# Love rats
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# Was a national crisis when I stepped down as King
0:16:45 > 0:16:47# Love rats
0:16:47 > 0:16:50# Moonlight and roses Not really our thing. #
0:16:56 > 0:16:59What could be more romantic than helping your beloved
0:16:59 > 0:17:00to escape from the Tower of London?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05This is the story of Lord Nithsdale and his ever so clever wife!
0:17:06 > 0:17:09A locked door, a prison cell
0:17:09 > 0:17:13and a desperate prisoner hellbent on breaking out.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14That can only mean one thing.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18You're watching History's Greatest Escapes!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I'm Gary Chubb and I've come all the way to the year 1716
0:17:24 > 0:17:28in the Georgian era to witness an escape so audacious...
0:17:28 > 0:17:31SNORING ..so dramatic, so breathtaking...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Sorry, can we wake him up, please?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38It's just completely going against what I'm doing.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42So, Lord Nithsdale.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Tell us how you ended up imprisoned here in the Tower of London?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Well, I was involved in the Jacobite Risings
0:17:48 > 0:17:51trying to return the Stuart blood line to the English throne.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53But I was captured, and King George,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56who is really touchy about people trying to kill him,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57threw me in the Tower.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59I'm due to be executed tomorrow.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01So what were you thinking, escape-wise?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03A frontal assault on the guards,
0:18:03 > 0:18:07levering out the window bars or the classic tunnel under the wall thing?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09None of the above.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12This is the Tower of London. Escape's impossible.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I thought I'd just have a nice chicken dinner,
0:18:14 > 0:18:16a wee sleep and then...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Right.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Yeah, it's just, um, someone from our show spoke to your wife
0:18:20 > 0:18:23and she assured us there'd be an exciting escape attempt.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Also I've cut short a holiday in France for this.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You've got five minutes.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Darling.- Snookums!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Sorry, I'm Winifred, his wife.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh, right, so the escape attempt's still on, yeah?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- Oh, yes.- Great, so what are we thinking?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Blow down this wall and let loose your secret Ninjas
0:18:44 > 0:18:45on the panicked guard
0:18:45 > 0:18:49while you two leap 200 feet into the icy river below, yeah?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51No, I'm dressing him as a woman.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Right.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55There is a show called World's Stupidest Escapes.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- I can give you their number, if you like.- Ladies, get to work.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00You see, I told the guards that my friends and I wanted to come
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and say goodbye to my husband, banking on them
0:19:03 > 0:19:05not counting how many of us came into the cell.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Oh, corset. Oh!
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Then we dress him up as a woman,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10then we sneak him out in the middle
0:19:10 > 0:19:12of the group, just like he's one of the girls.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16You look lovely, snookums.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17I look ridiculous.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Watch this.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
0:19:25 > 0:19:27See you later.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34All right, so, your husband's clear of the Tower,
0:19:34 > 0:19:36but how are you going to get out?
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Easy. Er...
0:19:37 > 0:19:38SHE COUGHS
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- IN A MAN'S VOICE:- Anyway, I think I need to be alone now
0:19:40 > 0:19:43so I can do a nice wee pray.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- IN HER VOICE:- I understand completely, my lover.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Um, see you in the next life, bye.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00We've said our goodbyes, but I beg you,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02please don't disturb my husband's final prayers.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Yes, of course, Countess Nithsdale.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Thanks.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Wow.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12Well, it didn't sound like much of a plan, but what an escape that was.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Next time, on History's Greatest Escapes, I'll be in the Middle Ages
0:20:19 > 0:20:22with Matilda, daughter of Henry I, who'll be trying to escape
0:20:22 > 0:20:27from Oxford Castle in a snowstorm, by wearing nothing but white.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Yeah, pretty cool.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31I'll see you then.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35If I can work out how to get out of this Tower. No probs.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Yeah, excuse me, can you let me out, please?- Shut up, Nithsdale.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40No, I'm not Nithsdale.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Yeah, right. Do you think we're all stupid or something?
0:20:43 > 0:20:44I'm from the television!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Can you let me out please? I'm from the television!
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Oh, Ratterly.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59You smell absolutely awful.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00SHE CRIES
0:21:00 > 0:21:04No, Ratterly, Ratterly, I mean awful in a good way, eh.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05Oh!
0:21:06 > 0:21:11Girlfriends can be quick to take offence in Victorian Times as well.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15So I just left the pheasant where it was and shot Mr Harrington instead.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18THEY LAUGH
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Oh, Mr Darbly, I've never known such a great wit.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, you're too kind.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Well, this looks as good a spot as any.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Oh, yes, it's perfect.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28I must say, Miss Pennywhistle,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30you really are the most pleasant of company.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Charming of character, bright of mind
0:21:33 > 0:21:37and with as pretty a smile as I have ever...
0:21:37 > 0:21:38I've never known such rudeness.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40What the...?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Sitting next to a lady in the countryside is entirely improper,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45the very height of Victorian rudeness.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46I'm sorry.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51Perhaps this humble sandwich would serve by way of an apology?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Perhaps.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55What, pray tell, is in the sandwich?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Cheese and onion.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Rudeness that cannot be counted on one's fingers
0:22:00 > 0:22:02or measured in one's heart.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03What now?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Cheese and onion!
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Mr Darbly, there is nothing more rude in polite Victorian society
0:22:08 > 0:22:10than for a man to smell of onion.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Yes, of course.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Well, happily, there are plenty of non-onion-based delights
0:22:16 > 0:22:17within the hamper.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I'll just attend to this slight nose bleed you appear to have caused
0:22:20 > 0:22:21and I'll... Oh, wow.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Rudeness beyond human comprehension.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Come on.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Blowing your nose in public is the very height of bad manners.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32As it would seem are most things, Miss Pennywhistle.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36May I ask where polite Victorian society stands on apple pie?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Apple pie?
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Is it considered discourteous, offensive or uncultured?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Well...no.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Is it rude, ill-mannered, improper or indiscreet?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I...I don't believe so, no.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55So just to clarify, you have no objection whatsoever to apple pie?
0:22:55 > 0:22:57No, of course not.
0:22:57 > 0:22:58Good.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And just be thankful I forgot the cream.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Well, he's the rudest man I've ever met.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13But he sure can bake.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Communication in Victorian times could be very fragrant,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19if you knew the code.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24Lady Penelope, we've been courting for ten years now
0:23:24 > 0:23:28and there's something I must say to you as a matter of urgency.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Yes, Lord Percival, say it and say it now
0:23:31 > 0:23:35for if my heart beats any faster, I will surely faint.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- I...- Yes?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- I...- Yes?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- I...- Yes?!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Lost for words, then why not say it with flowers?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48With the new Victorian floral messaging system,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51you can literally say it with flowers
0:23:51 > 0:23:53because each flower means a different thing, yeah.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56A red tulip means "I love you."
0:23:56 > 0:23:58A forget-me-not means "true love".
0:23:58 > 0:24:00A cactus flower means
0:24:00 > 0:24:01"I really love you."
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Whatever you need to say, say it with flowers, hm?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Do you by any chance have one that means, "I love someone else"?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10And another one that means "and it's your best friend".
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I can do you a hyacinth.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14"I'm sorry, will you forgive me?"
0:24:14 > 0:24:15I'll take all you've got.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Or for you, an orange lily.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"I hate you!"
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Just give me the cactus.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22- Ah!- You!
0:24:22 > 0:24:23Whatever you need to say,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25say it with flowers.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28With the new Victorian floral messaging system.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, I think I got that message.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Anyone got any tweezers?
0:24:36 > 0:24:40No, don't worry about me, you're never really on your own
0:24:40 > 0:24:42when you've got a thousand lice.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Time to wrap up this Ridiculous Romance Special
0:24:44 > 0:24:49and what better way to do it than with history's greatest lovebirds.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Nah, this pair always brings a tear to my eye.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# For 40 years, I ruled alone
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# Shed all those tears while on the throne
0:25:06 > 0:25:10# What got me through the pain and hurt
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# Was clinging to the memory of Albert
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# I loved her so, my darling Vicky
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# So much, you know almost made me sicky
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# I was not liked in your country
0:25:22 > 0:25:27# But who cares when I had her love for me
0:25:27 > 0:25:32# Her love for me
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# Oh, V and A Oh, A and V
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# Each way still spells L-O-V-E
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# Oh, A and V Oh, V and A
0:25:41 > 0:25:47# There'll name a building after us one day
0:25:52 > 0:25:55# In love from our first rendezvous
0:25:55 > 0:25:58# As Queen, had to propose to you
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# You were my rock in a crisis
0:26:01 > 0:26:05# Like when someone tried to shoot you, but they missed
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# We were a real celebrity pair
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Was first Queen Vic
0:26:10 > 0:26:11- # First Albert - Square
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# The press watched every smile and flirt
0:26:14 > 0:26:19# Called us Alboria But I preferred Vicbert
0:26:19 > 0:26:23# Or you can call me Al!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Oh, Bert and Vic Oh, Vic and Bert
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# Nine kids, great family advert
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# Oh, Vic and Bert Oh, Bert and Vic
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Yet I found babies ugly
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Ironic... #
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Urgh, my eyes!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# We set trends Started new traditions
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# Christmas trees Wearing tartan with style
0:26:49 > 0:26:53# Albert had the Great Exhibition
0:26:53 > 0:26:58# Which made Great Britain Albert-o-phile... #
0:26:58 > 0:26:59At last!
0:26:59 > 0:27:03# Oh, Vic and Al Oh, Al and Vic
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# You showed our kids love with your stick
0:27:06 > 0:27:09# Oh, Al and Vic Oh, Vic and Al
0:27:09 > 0:27:14# Ours was a truly grand affaire royale
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# Then Albert died Which left just me
0:27:22 > 0:27:26# Just V, no A No A, just V
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# Oh, how I mourned my special pal
0:27:30 > 0:27:31# I loved you, Vic
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# I loved you, Al. #
0:27:38 > 0:27:41# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:41 > 0:27:43# The ugly truth, no glam... #
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Then go to the CBBC Website and click on the link.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49See you there.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52# The past is no longer a mystery
0:27:52 > 0:27:53# Hope you enjoyed...
0:27:53 > 0:27:57# Horrible Histories. #