0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Woo, woo, woo.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Sergeant Bones, Historical Road Traffic Accident Squad.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I got demoted, I don't want to talk about it.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Major cycling incident, two people involved.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I'm talking into tape recorder,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56so it doesn't look like I'm talking to self.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- I say.- It's pretty obvious what happened here,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01your two bicycles crashed into each other.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Two bicycles? No, no, we were on a velocipede.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08You were riding together on one bike, but there's four wheels.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10A velocipede has four wheels.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I was on the passenger seat at the front.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Oh, yes, I see, there are two seats here, hang on a minute, what's this?
0:01:16 > 0:01:17The drawing board.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19We hired it from Crystal Palace,
0:01:19 > 0:01:21they're all fitted with drawing boards there.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Daphne's awfully good at drawing, aren't you?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Oh, Arthur. - And quick, by the look of it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Hold on, there's an umbrella here. You've clearly hit a pedestrian.
0:01:30 > 0:01:35No, that was the parasol. You can't carry an umbrella on a bicycle.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You mean it's fitted with a sunshade?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- Of course!- We don't want to get sunburned, do we?
0:01:39 > 0:01:44A-ha. Foul play, just as I suspected.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Your velocipede has had its brakes removed.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Velocipedes don't have brakes.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- What?- To stop them, you have to jump off and run alongside.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Although crashing it into a tree does pretty much the same job.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59You mean to tell me you ride around on this thing with four wheels,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03two seats, a drawing board and a sunshade, but no brakes?
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Why, yes.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Note to self - I quit.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10That's it, I'm going to write that novel.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15In Victorian times, jobs could also be very dangerous,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19especially in the coal mines, and that wasn't just for the miners.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Happy birthday, Lilly.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Just what I always wanted.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34My Little Pit Pony fits perfectly in the Victorian coal mine tunnel.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37In fact, she fits so perfectly that she can't even turn around.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39But she doesn't know,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42she's got a big leather hat on that only let's her see straight ahead.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45# My Little Pit Pony. #
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Careful, Lilly, you don't want your My Little Pit Pony
0:02:47 > 0:02:51to get hurt in a rock fall or an explosion in the mine.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55Don't be silly, Mummy, that's just what happens to pit ponies.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57My Little Pit Pony comes in all colours - black,
0:02:57 > 0:02:59grey and blacky grey.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Mummy, can I have a pink one?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Well, that IS a pink one, underneath all the coaly muck.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07My Little Pit Pony mine tunnel is sold separately
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and comes with channels in the floor for My Little Pit Pony's feet
0:03:10 > 0:03:13and a groove in the ceiling for My Little Pit Pony's head.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16I love you, My Little Pit Pony.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Buy now, while ponies last.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24In ancient Egypt,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27we took great care in preparing the dead for their journey to the
0:03:27 > 0:03:32afterlife, so there was a lot to do when organising a funeral.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36This week on Don't Tell The Corpse, we meet Fadil, who's been
0:03:36 > 0:03:40given the challenge of planning the funeral of his wife's relative.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42But does she think he'll be able to pull it off?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I do hope Fadil thinks of everything for my
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Uncle Amon's journey into the afterlife.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49But he didn't like me uncle much.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53Actually, if I'm honest, nobody liked him.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56With no previous experience of organising funerals,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Fadil has enlisted the help of ancient Egyptian
0:03:59 > 0:04:01funeral planner, Tutmos.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03And if it's mummification you're after,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04we've processes to suit everybody.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07At the top end, you can have the deceased's intestines
0:04:07 > 0:04:09removed by a professional embalmer.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13At the bottom end, so to speak, we can dissolve their guts,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16with the injection of Cedar oil, you know, right up the...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yeah, thank you, I'd worked that out already.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I think we'll go with the professional embalmer.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Excellent choice. Sorry.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25I don't know why I'm saying sorry, he's dead.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Fadil has nearly blown all his budget on embalming alone
0:04:28 > 0:04:30and there's still loads to sort out.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Oh, no, Uncle Amon. I cannot believe it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36There, there, love, don't... Don't cry.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It's going to be all right.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39That'll do, Beset.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Huh?- She's one of our professional mourners.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44You can hire them for the funeral.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Uncle Amon, bring him back.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Well, she certainly is very convincing.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Our professional mourners can make even the most
0:04:50 > 0:04:53loathsome individuals seem popular.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- I'll take half a dozen. - Good choice.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59With the congregation hired, Fadil must now buy items
0:04:59 > 0:05:03to put in Uncle Amon's tomb for his journey to the afterlife.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Now, what do you get for the corpse who's got everything?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07I bet he hasn't got one of these.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09He wasn't a child. She'll kill me if I buy him a toy.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11This is no toy.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14This is the very latest in underworld transport.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16In the afterlife, it turns into a full-sized boat
0:05:16 > 0:05:20and these model slaves become real slaves, to do the hard work for you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Wow! I'll take it. Right, that's that sorted.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26And the journey is a long one, he'll be needing some food.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28This mummified meat comes in its own coffin.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Oh, all right, but that's definitely it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Wax hair gel. Especially made for mummies.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The afterlife is forever, you want your uncle to look his best.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I didn't like him that much, but...
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Mummified cat, they're very popular. Ushabti dolls.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Musical instruments, magical bricks.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Finally, it's the day of the funeral.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48But will Fadil's wife approve of his choices?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51And will her unpopular uncle get the send-off he deserves?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Wow, Fadil, you've actually done a great job.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58To think I thought Uncle Amon was really unpopular.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00This is his burial chamber.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Uncle Amon had a massive, ornate burial tomb
0:06:02 > 0:06:05made for himself over there. We're going the wrong way.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, no, there's been a slight change of plan.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10You see, I rather like the look of Uncle Amon's tomb,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14so I thought we'd move him to this smaller underground hole
0:06:14 > 0:06:16and then we can have his one when we die.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Uncle Amon!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23If we steal his tomb, won't all his friends be furious?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Oh, no, no, that's not a problem. No, watch this!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29OK, thanks very much, everyone, you can go now.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31All the best.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Right, I see. Well, in that case, let's bung him in the hole!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Much of what we know about the ancient Egyptians
0:06:44 > 0:06:46comes from their tombs and temples
0:06:46 > 0:06:51and from the complicated hieroglyphic writing on the walls.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Hieroglabble,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55it's the great new hieroglyph-based word game for all the family.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Your go.- I can't go.- Why not? - I can't read hieroglyphs.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Me, neither and neither can virtually anyone else in ancient Egypt.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Hieroglabble, it's the great new ancient Egyptian word game
0:07:06 > 0:07:08for virtually no-one except the priesthood,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10because they're the only people who can understand hieroglyphs.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Your go.
0:07:12 > 0:07:19Oh, owl, lion, basket, horned viper. 24 points, please.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21You can't just go chucking any picture down,
0:07:21 > 0:07:23just because it sounds like a word!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Have you not read the rules?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Warning, hieroglyph combinations will take years to learn.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I've done nothing but learn hieroglyphics
0:07:29 > 0:07:32since the age of five and I end up playing with you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33You're a waste of time. Shove off.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36And coming soon - new Advanced Hieroglabble,
0:07:36 > 0:07:38with all the glyphs from the later Greco-Roman period,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41meaning you can play with around 5,000 different tiles.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43We're going to need a bigger board.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48Hieroglabble, the new game from Nile Valley that almost no-one can play.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny, cos they're true
0:08:00 > 0:08:05# Woo, stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you! #
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Ha hee.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Your brain was removed through your nose. Hmm.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Certainly explains a lot. Next!
0:08:13 > 0:08:14And you are?
0:08:14 > 0:08:18Pliny the Elder - Roman Military Commander, author,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20philosopher and naturalist.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26I am greatly interested in natural and geographic phenomenon, so much
0:08:26 > 0:08:30so that I've actually written my own scroll - Naturalis Historia.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31No book plugs on my show.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- Available in all good scroll shops. - Hey, now!
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Anyway, I was in charge of a Roman fleet based near the volcano,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Mount Vesuvius.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Erg! Isn't Mount Vesuvius the volcano that erupted
0:08:43 > 0:08:45and destroyed the Roman city of Pompeii?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- The very same. - He shoots, he scores a goal!
0:08:49 > 0:08:54I felt the tremors from the volcano and I took my fleet to investigate.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57We were greeted by the most
0:08:57 > 0:08:59spectacular sight of the volcano erupting.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Have you ever seen one?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03No. But, erm, mummy here does have a bit of a temper.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07- What? - Well, it is absolutely breathtaking.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I ordered my galley to evacuate the locals,
0:09:10 > 0:09:14when I received a message from a friend of mine asking to be rescued.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18So, I took a smaller, faster vessel, in order to try to reach
0:09:18 > 0:09:20the shore as quickly as possible.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- Uh-huh.- Cinders and pumice began to rain down upon us, so much so that
0:09:25 > 0:09:29my helmsman feared for our safety and advised us to turn around.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33To which I said, "Fortune favours the brave."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Oh! I know that saying. Now who was it that said it?
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Me. I said it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Egh! You, you said it. I knew that, I did. Shh.
0:09:41 > 0:09:46Once we were ashore, the wind became so strong that we couldn't leave.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And I died of toxic poisoning from the volcano fumes.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53A-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:53 > 0:09:58"Fortune favours the brave"? Volcanoes favour the cowardly, mate.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Well, yes, they do.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Pliny the Elder? Pliny the Plonker more like.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Oh, I'm on fire today. No offence.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09You're through to the afterlife.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I'll just leave this here. It's a copy of my scroll -
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Naturalist Historia.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Thanks, mate.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Now, get out, before I change my mind.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- All right, I'm running.- Run faster.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Honestly, I don't think you're the only one who's had
0:10:22 > 0:10:24their brain removed.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Him, him, I was talking about him. Next!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Hoo, hoo.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53The answer is, A. They didn't stand a chance.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Real Roman gladiators were highly trained and very valuable.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Argh, argh.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Calm it down, Maximus. You calm it down.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08- Good morning.- Morning.- Simple challenge this week. I gave you
0:11:08 > 0:11:11a highly-trained gladiator and all you lot
0:11:11 > 0:11:14had to do was to use him to make as much money as possible.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18So, what was your strategy, Team Maximus?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Well, Lord Sugar, what we...- Emperor Sugar. I like the sound of it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Well, Emperor Sugar, knowing how valuable a trained gladiator is,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30we made sure that Maximus fought untrained and unarmed slaves.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Good plan, minimise the risk of serious injury.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36As soon as he gained a reputation for chopping people up,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38we let him fight trained gladiators, but we made sure
0:11:38 > 0:11:42that the wounds they inflicted on Maximus, here, were not lethal.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44That way, we could spill plenty of blood,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47but Maximus here lived to fight another day.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50So, basically, Karen, your team fixed their fights?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53- In a way, yes. - Disgraceful. I like your style.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Well, Maximus' reputation now guarantees sell-out crowds
0:11:56 > 0:11:59wherever he fights, and they've also got him
0:11:59 > 0:12:02to do some rather lucrative product endorsements.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Have a look at this. - Oh, right, yeah.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the armies
0:12:09 > 0:12:13of the north, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,
0:12:13 > 0:12:18and I will only ever wash with Jupiter's Olive Oil.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Hmm, so smooth.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24No, I like it. Right, you lot, what did you do with your gladiator?
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Our strategy was, let's think big, huh?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Yeah, we wanted to put on a real spectacle for the crowds,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32man versus beast.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35So, our gladiator versus a tiger.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- Yeah, and how did that work out for you?- We sold out the arena, Sir.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40And what happened to the gladiator?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Oh, he's right here.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Well, what's left of him, anyway.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Are you having a giraffe?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Can I just say that man versus beast was actually his idea?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Yeah, I didn't mean a tiger, did I? I meant like a badger or something.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- You never said badger. - Well, you should have...
0:12:53 > 0:12:55All right, all right, shut it, all right?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58The only person I want to hear talking right now is me.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I like the sound of me own voice. So, let me get this straight,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03you took a very expensive gladiator and got him
0:13:03 > 0:13:05killed in his first arena fight?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Not only that, but they also failed to sell his blood.- You what?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Gladiator blood is a well-known Roman medicine, thought to
0:13:11 > 0:13:14cure epilepsy, and they could have sold it for a tidy profit.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Team Maximus, on the other hand,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19have been bottling their gladiator's sweat.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Romans believed it made you young and powerful?- You should try some.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Do I look like I need any of that stuff?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26You should give some to Nick, he needs it.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I've heard enough, Team Maximus you've created
0:13:28 > 0:13:32a hugely profitable one-man industry, whereas Team Minimus here,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35all you've got left is a dead gladiator and a tiger with
0:13:35 > 0:13:39the runs. It doesn't take a genius to work out what I'm going to say.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Team Minimus.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44You're fired. Team Maximus, congratulations,
0:13:44 > 0:13:49you've got yourself two ringside seats to the next Gladiator Games,
0:13:49 > 0:13:53where you'll get to see Maximus here decimate these two idiots.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Ergh.- In fact, do you know what? Let's just do it now.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Maximus, get them.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Oh, it's exciting.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05- I love a blood sport, don't you Karen?- Absolutely.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It's true! Roman Gladiators were very famous
0:14:08 > 0:14:11and were often used to advertise products.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15In many ways, Gladiators were the footballers of their day.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Although, they'd only roll about on the floor screaming
0:14:18 > 0:14:20if they'd had their leg ripped off by a tiger.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27In Georgian times, our jails were
0:14:27 > 0:14:32so overcrowded we decided to ship the smelly convicts far, far away.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35But setting up a colony in Australia -
0:14:35 > 0:14:37that turned out to be rather hard work.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43As you know, Finch, when we landed our ships, we only carry enough food
0:14:43 > 0:14:47to provide for us until we can start to farm the land. How's that going?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Not good, Sir, and we really should
0:14:49 > 0:14:51have bought more skilled farmers and livestock.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53We've got to sort this out, man.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Without food supplies, more people are going to die.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Hmm.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00My point exactly.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Well, I suppose no-one said setting up Australia's first ever
0:15:03 > 0:15:06British Colony was going to be easy.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Still, I'm sure the second fleet will show up any day now,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11stuffed to the gunnels with supplies. Nom, nom, nom.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- Governor Philip?- Yes. - Captain Hill, second fleet.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20BOTH: Boy, am I glad to see you.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24BOTH: I'm afraid conditions are rather dire.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30BOTH: Well, we've had it worse. We've lost half our people to disease.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32BOTH: What? You, too?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35BOTH: Then there's the lice and the starvation.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39BOTH: But we thought you'd be our salvation. Us?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42BOTH: No, we thought you would. Well, what are we going to do?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I guess we'll just have to wait for the third fleet.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I was just going to say that. How weird.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Yeah.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54The long journey to Australia was tough going
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and conditions on board ship were disgusting.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01So, the rats must have loved it! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And things got even worse when you arrived.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Oh, yes, in Georgian times, you really
0:16:08 > 0:16:09wouldn't want to go Down Under.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22# In Britain's Georgian times There were so many crimes
0:16:22 > 0:16:26# No time to hang each crook guilty of a felony
0:16:26 > 0:16:29# Cos there's no room to jail you They'd send you to Australia
0:16:29 > 0:16:33# To live in our new-fangled penal colony
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# Think that sounds like heaven?
0:16:35 > 0:16:41# In 1787, it wasn't that kind of "once in a lifetime" trip
0:16:41 > 0:16:45# First fleet took the journey Months at sea so churny
0:16:45 > 0:16:49# Over 40 died while they were on the ship
0:16:49 > 0:16:53# Those that lived were plucky Plucky, plucky, plucky
0:16:53 > 0:16:56# Crammed on board with rats and vermin, cockroaches in bed
0:16:56 > 0:17:00# Stench inside was sicky Yucky, yucky, icky
0:17:00 > 0:17:04# Lice not very nice, can't get them out of my head
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# Landed Bay of Botany Convicts' life was rotteny
0:17:07 > 0:17:12# Needed food and shelter but everything failed
0:17:12 > 0:17:13# Trees too strong for felling
0:17:13 > 0:17:15# Stagnant water smelling
0:17:15 > 0:17:19# A real step back in time in New South Wales
0:17:19 > 0:17:23# Soil too poor for budding Huts washed up by flooding
0:17:23 > 0:17:27# Plans for building houses came to sticky ends
0:17:27 > 0:17:30# The best of all their labours Attacked by local neighbours
0:17:30 > 0:17:34# And that is when your neighbours don't become good friends
0:17:34 > 0:17:38# Situation tricky Tricky, tricky, tricky
0:17:38 > 0:17:42# Then a second fleet of ships was due aground
0:17:42 > 0:17:46# Some thought this was lucky But illness had strucky
0:17:46 > 0:17:50# Half were dead or ill Fever was spinning around
0:17:50 > 0:17:53# After seven years Convict record clears
0:17:53 > 0:17:57# Just one catch You got to pay your own way back.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01# No wages meant no money No choice, but what's funny
0:18:01 > 0:18:05# Many stayed, became farmers and made a stack
0:18:05 > 0:18:09# Original arrivers Proved hardy survivors
0:18:09 > 0:18:13# Sydney turned into a place you'd choose to go
0:18:13 > 0:18:16# Think that they'd be fairer To convicts who were sent there?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20# No way - they built prisons even more remote
0:18:20 > 0:18:28# Port Arthur was one of the jails Where every escape attempt fails
0:18:28 > 0:18:35# Was one man who nearly got through Billy Hunt dressed as a kangaroo
0:18:35 > 0:18:39# Inmate's life still sucky Sucky, sucky, sucky
0:18:39 > 0:18:43# Life behind bars was not very nice
0:18:43 > 0:18:47# Hideous and messy Who would ever guessy
0:18:47 > 0:18:49# This hellhole would become a... #
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Holiday paradise?
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Back from Munich. Very nice currywurst.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Oh, and good meeting with Hitler.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19I think it's 'peace for our time'.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Just send that.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Oh, responses already. "Well done".
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"Wonderful news".
0:19:26 > 0:19:27Hmm, Winston Churchill.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I bet he wants to congratulate me, as well.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Have you taken leave of your senses?
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Hello. I think you'll find I've just averted another world war.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Hitler has signed this piece of paper saying that if we let him have
0:19:41 > 0:19:46the Sudetenland, he promises not to expand into any other countries.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49You can't trust Adolf Hitler. He's already forced Austria
0:19:49 > 0:19:54to unify with Germany, plus he has a ridiculous moustache.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Hitler says no-one wants another world war, not even Germany.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59I mean, they lost the first one.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02And it's not as if it's best of three, is it?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Appeasement is the right choice.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07War is the right choice.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Hitler is planning an invasion, mark my words.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Whatever.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Oh, what's this?
0:20:14 > 0:20:22Invasion advisor review of Czechoslovakia by A.Hitler33.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Slightly worrying.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"Delighted we chose to invade this beautiful
0:20:26 > 0:20:29"and politically unstable country.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33"Definitely worth invading, if you're in the area."
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Oh! No need to panic, Neville,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37a lot of these invasion advisor reviews are fake.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Still, better just check who's on our side, just in case.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Good, good.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51What?! Nazi Germany has allied itself with fascist Italy?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Oh, no, better make some more allies quick.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Ah! Poland, perfect. We'll agree to protect them.
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Maybe in the future they'll repay us with reasonably-priced builders.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Oh, not again.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Do... Don't say it.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Told you so.- Look, I'm strengthening our alliances.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I've already got Poland. I'm waiting for Russia to, er...
0:21:14 > 0:21:18What? "We're not getting involved."
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Oh, dear. - What's the problem with that?
0:21:20 > 0:21:24Well, it means that Germany doesn't have to defend its Russian border.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27They can throw all of their troops in our direction.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28What are you doing?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Erm, nothing, nothing, look, Hitler promised.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32There's no way he's going to...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Invade our new ally Poland?
0:21:35 > 0:21:40By golly, this fellow's so hard not to declare war against.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43You were given the choice between war and dishonour.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47You chose dishonour and you will have war.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49I think I preferred, "I told you so".
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Ah, war.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56"Are you sure?" Yes.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59"Are you sure you're sure?" Yes.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02What you need now is a canny politician.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05One who was in the War Cabinet during the First World War
0:22:05 > 0:22:09and has the top score on Minesweeper in the Foreign Office.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14- Me!- OK, Winston, I'll make you First Lord of the Admiralty.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15I thought you'd never ask.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Budge up. Oh!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22It's the latest House of Commons opinion poll.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Do you still support Chamberlain?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Oh. Do you want to be Prime Minister, then?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Yes, please.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35You still here?
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And fetch me a cigar. In fact, make it two.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, I like it. Might come in useful one day.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Churchill may have been one of Britain's best wartime leaders,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49but he was also very witty.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Take a look at some of his funniest jokes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52At ease.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55'Out now on DVD, it's Britain's Wittiest Man.'
0:22:55 > 0:22:58'It's Prime Minister Winston Churchill.'
0:22:58 > 0:22:59'Yes, really.'
0:22:59 > 0:23:03A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails
0:23:03 > 0:23:06and then asks you not to kill him.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08'Britain's wartime genius is also a comedy genius.'
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Eating my own words has never given me indigestion.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15'Featuring all the legendary quips of the'
0:23:15 > 0:23:17'original master of the one liner.'
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22'Enjoy the King Of The Put Down in action!'
0:23:22 > 0:23:24My baby looks like you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26All babies look like me.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27Sir, you are drunk.
0:23:27 > 0:23:32Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Get off, you're rubbish.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Stop interrupting me while I'm interrupting you.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40I'm here all week, then I'm in my bunker.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43'Yes, it's Britain's favourite sit down stand-up.'
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Why stand when you can sit?
0:23:45 > 0:23:49'Out now, priced 2 shillings and sixpence and two rationing coupons.'
0:23:55 > 0:23:58When the Normans conquered England, let's just say
0:23:58 > 0:24:01they didn't always see eye to eye with the locals.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03I'm out of here, argh!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Welcome to Great Historical Country Walks.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Today, we'll be taking a gentle stroll through
0:24:08 > 0:24:11the Northern English countryside of 1070 -
0:24:11 > 0:24:15a period made famous for the Harrowing of the North -
0:24:15 > 0:24:17a lovely-sounding thing, which I imagine
0:24:17 > 0:24:19has something to do with farming.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Just look at the beautiful, rolling hills,
0:24:21 > 0:24:25the lush, green pastures and just around the corner,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28the picturesque medieval Yorkshire village...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I think we might have taken a wrong turn.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Erm, left at the tree, right at the river.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37No, this seems to be the right place. It's just strange.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40There's supposed to be a village of 200 people here.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Erm, let's just go and ask this local.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Excuse me, I'm looking for Winthorpe.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49The Normans, they killed everybody. Destroyed the village.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Oh, dear me, erm... We'd best press on to York.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Could you point that out to me, please?
0:24:55 > 0:25:00Right, so York is over there, by that massive bonfire.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Actually, I think York IS that massive bonfire.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07- Argh, the Normans are coming! - They've destroyed the town!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10- They're killing everyone.- They're completely harrowing the place.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Argh!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14So, that's what harrowing means.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Erm, that's all from Great Historical Country Walks.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22Time for Great Historical Country Runs.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25When Northern earls rebelled against William the Conqueror,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27he took his revenge.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29He destroyed much of the North
0:25:29 > 0:25:33and was responsible for the deaths of over 100,000 people.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36It was called The Harrowing of the North.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40The ground was also sown with salt so nothing would grow,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43which was called The Harrowing of the Slugs.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Ha-ha-ha!
0:25:45 > 0:25:49No wonder Saxons were desperate to fit in with their new Norman rulers.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Well, this is, erm, tres pleasant.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58This is fabulous food.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Erm, any chance you could pass the cow?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Oh, non, non, non. Cows are dirty things with udders.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10What we're eating here is boeuf. Isn't that right, Cheri?
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- Whatever. - Any chance you could pass the boeuf?
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Bravo.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Thank you, Mary.- Oh, Marie.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Oh, OK.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Is there any more of the pig?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Oh, really, Lawrence, zut alors!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Do please excuse my husband's Anglo Saxon. It's pork.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- Since when?- Since 1066, when William the Conqueror invaded England
0:26:34 > 0:26:39and we educated people, started talking French, or rather,
0:26:39 > 0:26:44slipping the odd word, or should I say, mot, in here and there,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48just to show we're not complete peasants.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Or churls, as Lawrence still insists on calling them.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55Well, we both think it's a fabulous idea to, erm,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59impresse the new Francais, don't we, Jerry?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Oh, yes, we certainly do.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Any chance you could pass the mouton?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Bravo encore.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08That's the sheep.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Do you always have to embarrasse me?
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- You what?- It's pardon.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Does anyone else need a drink?
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Oh, could you not at least try and say beverage?
0:27:19 > 0:27:22No, I couldn't, Mary, because I'm an Anglo Saxon.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I eat food, not dinner.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26And I hunt, I don't chase.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27And when I break wind.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29HE FARTS
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- Oh!- It makes a smell, not an odour.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Oh, Lawrence.- Well, listen, I think we'd best beat the traffic, erm...
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Oh, no, oh, please don't departe.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43But you haven't had any pudding, I mean, dessert!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Oh, well, thanks a lot!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Mon pleasure, Cheri.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts. #
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03See you there.
0:28:03 > 0:28:04# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Hope you enjoyed... #
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Horrible Histories.