0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, Gorgeous Georgians, Slimy Stuarts
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Vile Victorians, Woeful Wars, Ferocious Fights, Dingy Castles
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Daring Knights, Horrors that defy description, Cut-throat Celts
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Awful Egyptians, Vicious Vikings, Cruel Crimes
0:00:11 > 0:00:14# Punishments from ancient times, Roman, Rotten, Rank and Ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:15# Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless, Groovy Greeks
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Brainy sages, Mean and Measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory Stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40This week in Good Day Magazine, it's our Brunel Special.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42BRISTOLIAN ACCENT: Oi, down here! Hello.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45We've got an exclusive interview with a little giant.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46Hey, less of the little!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48I'm six foot tall if you include the hat.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Yes, it's Isambard Kingdom Brunel,
0:00:50 > 0:00:52the man behind the Clifton Suspension Bridge,
0:00:52 > 0:00:53the Great Western Railway
0:00:53 > 0:00:56and the transatlantic steamship, the SS Great Britain.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Read how the most famous engineer in Victorian Britain is also
0:00:59 > 0:01:01an amateur magician.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Watch as I make this half sovereign disappear before your very eyes.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Find out how Brunel got a half sovereign coin
0:01:10 > 0:01:11caught in his throat
0:01:11 > 0:01:13and then invented a machine to dislodge it.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14It's not working!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And read how Brunel's father saved the day.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Dad, you're so embarrassing! I'm still choking.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22His dad invented a machine that turned him upside down...
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Oh!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24..to dislodge the coin.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Oh, look at that! It worked. Well done, Dad.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Plus the miraculous story of a lucky escape from one of Brunel's bridges.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I fell from Clifton Suspension Bridge,
0:01:32 > 0:01:36but my huge Victorian skirt acted as a parachute and I survived,
0:01:36 > 0:01:38though my dress didn't.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I landed in a ton of mud.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Read my shocking story, only in Good Day Magazine.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45So don't be caught short.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46I'm not short!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Buy your copy of Good Day Magazine today,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50price only a half sovereign coin.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52But be careful not to get it stuck in your throat.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Like me!
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Brunel was a Victorian engineering genius
0:01:58 > 0:02:01but it took his dad's brains to dislodge a coin he swallowed.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Brunel knew the coin was missing when he checked his change
0:02:05 > 0:02:07and realised he was a little short.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I heard that! >
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Sorry.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Another brainy Victorian was a certain Mary Anning.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17CLEARS THROAT
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Excuse me.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I'm looking for a Mary Anning. She sells shells.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22- Sea shells?- On the seashore.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You sure?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Yes, I'm sure she sells sea shells on the seashore.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Are you sure that the shells she sells are sea shells?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Yes, the shells she sells on the seashore are sea shells,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm sure. Have you seen her?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39No. But there is a woman down there selling fossils, look.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Thank you.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Good day, young lady.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I'm what they call a geologist. I study old rocks and fossils
0:02:48 > 0:02:49and so on.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Yeah, I do know what a geologist is.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I'm sure you do, you clever thing.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57I say, look at this, everyone! An incredibly rare
0:02:57 > 0:03:01and important fossil I found right here on Lyme Regis beach.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Err, I think you mean that I found.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Why, yes. You picked it up off the beach because it looked nice
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and pretty, no doubt, but it takes a proper geologist like me
0:03:10 > 0:03:13to recognise it for what it really is.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16The tail of a plesiosaur.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18No, the wing of a Terrorsaur.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Really?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I know more about dinosaurs than virtually anyone else in the world.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I've been discovering their bones down here for years.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28If I wasn't a woman, I'd be rich and famous now cos of my finds.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Instead, I'm down here on the beach with my brother,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33selling my collection to make ends meet.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36My, what an imagination you have!
0:03:36 > 0:03:39No, it was me who discovered the first ichthyosaur skeleton
0:03:39 > 0:03:41and worked out it was a dolphin-like dinosaur, so.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Now I know for a fact that isn't true
0:03:43 > 0:03:47cos this Royal Society papers, published by a very famous
0:03:47 > 0:03:50scientist, said it was, um...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Well, it doesn't say who it was who found it, but finding it's the easy
0:03:53 > 0:03:56bit. It's cleaning it and preparing it that's the really hard work.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Well, that was me as well.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Look, love. Just cos you found the odd fossil doesn't make you
0:04:00 > 0:04:02some sort of expert or something.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06The odd fossil? I've been discovering fossils my whole life!
0:04:06 > 0:04:11I found ammonites, I found belemnites, I found coprolites...
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Coprolites? What are they?
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- Fossilized dinosaur poo. - Oh, goodness!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yeah, I was the first to identify all of these, so.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Look, if this were true, I'm sure I'd have met
0:04:20 > 0:04:22you in London at the Geological Society.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Well, I'm not allowed to join, am I, cos I'm a woman?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27All right, calm down!
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Oh, no. I am calm cos I discovered another dinosaur today.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Really, which one?
0:04:32 > 0:04:33You!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35That is an ammonite.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37That's a belemnite.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38And that is a coprolite.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Oh, and have another belemnite while you're at it!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Elephant catapult?
0:05:13 > 0:05:15ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:05:15 > 0:05:16CRASHING
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Huh.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Yes, us ancient Greeks came up with a lot of new words,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26and they helped us explain our groundbreaking ideas.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Hello, there. I'm an ancient Greek scientist.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Science, it's all Greek to me.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Of course it is. I'm Greek!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40That's why I'm able to tell you about the wonders
0:05:40 > 0:05:42of the ancient Greek universe.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44It's amazing!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Even though we ancient Greeks lived a very long time ago,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48we were amazing scientists.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51It was us that worked out that rainbows are a natural
0:05:51 > 0:05:53phenomenon and not the work of the gods.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56They're not made of magic. They're natural, like waterfalls
0:05:56 > 0:05:58and hamsters.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It's amazing!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03It was an ancient Greek called Xenophanes who worked out that
0:06:03 > 0:06:05because we find seaside fossils on the tops of mountains,
0:06:05 > 0:06:09the surface of the Earth must have risen and fallen over the years.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11It's ancient Greek scientific fact.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15How else did they get there? They can't walk. They're fossils!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17It was us ancient Greeks who first worked out that the nervous
0:06:17 > 0:06:20system is linked to the brain, all matter's made up of atoms
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and the sun is the centre of the Milky Way.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25They were all ancient Greek scientific facts.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29All of them! Look at the big brain on us - pwch!
0:06:29 > 0:06:33We're amazing! We even invented steam power and vending machines.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Well, that's all for this week. Thanks for watching and...
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Sorry, Brian. Sorry. Where's all the crazy stuff?
0:06:39 > 0:06:40What you talking about?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Well, normally you tell all the crazy stuff and then I've got to get
0:06:43 > 0:06:46these fellas to come in and cart you away. So come on! let's hear all
0:06:46 > 0:06:49this mad scientific rubbish that you ancient Greeks believed in.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Well, there isn't any. We're just really smart.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Oh, right. That's lunch everybody.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Thanks, lads. Cheers, Brian.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57- OK?- All right.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Oh, I nearly forgot.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02We also believed that the planet Earth is floating in water.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04OK, lads. Usual business.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07And that in India, there are ants as big as dogs that dig up gold
0:07:07 > 0:07:08and eat camels.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12It's ancient Green scientific fact. Amazing!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19You've probably heard of Tutankhamun.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22But have you heard of THIS mighty pharaoh?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Hello. I have come to pitch the story of the greatest
0:07:30 > 0:07:32pharaoh of all time.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You must be King Tut.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Tut! I am Ramesses the Great.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Ohargh! Big head alert!
0:07:38 > 0:07:42We'll be the judge of who's great around here, Mr Ramalamadingdong.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43My name is Ramesses.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45So is King Tut, like, just a nickname?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49I'm not King Tut. I am Ramesses II!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51The Second? You were the Great a minute ago.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I ruled Egypt for 66 years. Tutankhamun died
0:07:55 > 0:07:56when he was just 18.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58A boy pharaoh. I like that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00We could give him a pet, like a talking sphinx.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- Is Robin Williams available? - I love Robbie Williams!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Rob-in Williams.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I love Robbie Williams!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09I am not the boy pharaoh! I am Ramesses the Great.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10Ohargh!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Would you please stop doing that?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Tantrum! Did anyone say diva?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17In his short reign, Tutankhamun achieved nothing.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I made Egypt the richest, most powerful place on the planet.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I waged great wars that changed the course of history.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I built countless gigantic monuments.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Oh, now we're getting somewhere. So you built the pyramids?
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Well, no. They'd been there for a long time before I became pharaoh.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36So you built the Sphinx?
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Yeah. Again, that was somebody else, way before my time.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42But I made loads of other stuff.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46The temples at Abu Simbel, the entire new city of Pi-Ramesses
0:08:46 > 0:08:50and, of course, my incredible mortuary temple, the Ramesseum.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Did you have a famous tomb, like King Tut?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Now I've heard of that. It was filled with incredible treasure.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57His tomb was rubbish! It was all hidden underground.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59It was nothing compared to mine.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I'm telling you, it's my story you want.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03OK, we're onboard.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05We are so totally not onboard.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Did King Tut, by any chance, have a talking camel?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Why not? Eddie Murphy.- Eddie Murphy!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Will you stop going on about King Tut?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14I am the greatest pharaoh of all time!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Me, me, me!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Aruba, aruba, aruba!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Why has nobody heard of me? It's so unfair.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Oh, temper, temper!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Tut, tut, tut!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oooh! So annoying, people!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Bye-bye, Rambo, Rampelstiltskin. What is his name?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Oh, who cares?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35It was quite common for posh Egyptian tombs to be stolen.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39When Tutankhamun died, his fancy tomb was nicked by his uncle
0:09:39 > 0:09:43who had him shoved in a hidden underground one instead.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46But this meant it wasn't easy for grave robbers to find it,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48so it remained intact with its treasures
0:09:48 > 0:09:52until it was discovered in the 1920s.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Which is why Tutankhamun is so famous today. Hm.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Yes, those ancient Egyptians loved fancy buildings,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02so there was an awful lot of construction work.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Stonemason, yeah?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Right, go and join the crew working on the Sphinx. Cheers, mate.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Oh, I can't wait! Imagine actually being part of the team that builds
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Egypt's brand-new capital city, Pi-Ramesses, from virtually nothing.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20Seven square miles of mansions, temples, canals, lakes,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23statues and houses for 300,000 people!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25I hope I get on a pyramid team.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27All right, pharaoh statue. Cheers, mate.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Or a needle. Some of those needles are amazing.
0:10:30 > 0:10:3250 foot high, 200 tonnes.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I can't wait to tell everyone back home about this.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Temple Oorah. Thanks, mate. Next.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41All right, chief? I am raring to go, so just put a hammer in my hand
0:10:41 > 0:10:42and point me in the direction of the...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Horse toilets.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Horse toilets?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Horse toilets.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Horse toilet?
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- Yeah, it's where horses go... - I know what it is, mate!
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I left my family hundreds of miles away and walked here.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I had to hire slaves to look after my farm so I could be part
0:10:57 > 0:11:01of Ramesses II's magnificent project and you want me to build a...
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Horse toilet.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04I'll be a laughing stock!
0:11:04 > 0:11:07There's nothing wrong with building a horse toilet, right?
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Come and have a look at the first one we done.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Look at that, heh?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Years of engineering and genius have gone into designing that, yeah?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19The pillars hold the horse in place, perfectly positioning it
0:11:19 > 0:11:21so it can do its business in the hole.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Imagine it, yeah?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24The pharaoh's cavalry,
0:11:24 > 0:11:2910,000 horses, all going to the toilet at once in front of us.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30I'd rather not.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Well, not only is it cleaner, but we're also collecting all the
0:11:33 > 0:11:37horse wee to help tan the leather, to make the armour, the weapons.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Your horse toilet, mate, is helping make Egypt
0:11:39 > 0:11:42the powerhouse of the world.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I've never thought of it like that.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47These horse toilets are amazing! I'll do it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Good on you, mate.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Thanks. Only, if anyone asks...
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Oh, I'll tell them you're working on the Sphinx.- Thank you. Cheers.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Ta, ta. All right. - All right. I can get started.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, horses only!
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Oh, sorry.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Unbelievable!
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Hello and welcome to the News at When. When?
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Around 70 years ago when the United States of America
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and the Soviet Union, centred around modern-day Russia,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26decided to try and settle the growing argument over who was
0:12:26 > 0:12:31superior in a way that was quite literally out of this world.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Here with more details on this starry story is our very own
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Space Cadet, Bob Hale, with this Space Race report. Bob.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Thank you, Sam.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Well, the year is 1945, World War II has just ended, and after years
0:12:43 > 0:12:46of having to be battle buddies, America and the Soviet Union can
0:12:46 > 0:12:49now finally embrace the fact that they don't much like each other.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51You see, these two superpowers run their countries in very
0:12:51 > 0:12:53different ways called Chalk and Cheese.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Err, I mean Communism and Capitalism.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58So have grown to distrust each other intensely.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00But luckily, both of them captured some of the German rocket
0:13:00 > 0:13:02scientists who built Hitler's wartime missiles,
0:13:02 > 0:13:06which suggests a rather exciting way to settle which superpower is best.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Rocket pack jousting.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11No? OK, then. How about using missile technology to put
0:13:11 > 0:13:12a man into space?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Yes, the space race is on with an early lead going to...
0:13:15 > 0:13:16America!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Who, to find out if it's possible for living creatures to survive
0:13:19 > 0:13:21space travel, start firing monkeys, dogs,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23mice and rhinos into outer space, though not rhinos.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25And with the Soviets following suit, soon loads of animals
0:13:25 > 0:13:28are sent off into starry skies, with many of them never coming back.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I guess they liked it up there... What?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Oh, right. Rest in peace, guys.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Anyway, now the race really starts hotting up, as both sides rush
0:13:36 > 0:13:40towards the next major milestone, putting an man-made craft into orbit
0:13:40 > 0:13:42around the Earth, with the points, this time, going to...
0:13:42 > 0:13:43the Soviets!
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Yes, in 1957, Sputnik One,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47a radio beacon the size of a beach ball becomes the...
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Thank you. Really helpful, honestly.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Yes, Sputnik becomes the first ever satellite,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55but America's not far behind, and in 1958, they launched Explorer One,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57which is about the size of a grapefruit.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Don't even think about it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01And while it's even Stevens, score wise, the Soviets are now on a roll.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04They send an unmanned rocket right round the moon,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06launch a probe to photograph its surface and,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10in 1961, after successful tests using a dummy... Yes, very funny...
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Russia's Yuri Gagarin becomes the first ever man in space
0:14:13 > 0:14:16and America starts getting pretty sick of second place. So,
0:14:16 > 0:14:19in 1961, US President John F Kennedy announces that America will
0:14:19 > 0:14:22attempt the impossible, to put a man on the moon.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24"Not because it is easy, but because it is hard."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27The exact same reason why I keep trying to set the clock on my oven.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30So a new series of rockets, known as the Apollo Programme,
0:14:30 > 0:14:31are dedicated to mooning.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Err, err, I mean the moon landing. But disaster strikes
0:14:34 > 0:14:37when a fire during launch simulation kills the crew of Apollo 1,
0:14:37 > 0:14:39meaning Apollo's two, three, four, five, six
0:14:39 > 0:14:41become unmanned flights to perfect the design.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Until finally, in 1968, the USA gets some badly-needed points
0:14:45 > 0:14:47when the crew of Apollo 8 become the first men in history to
0:14:47 > 0:14:49orbit the moon. And just one year later,
0:14:49 > 0:14:53America is finally ready to do what mankind has always dreamt of,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56teaching a pig to tap dance!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Huh? Oh, a moon landing.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That makes more sense with all of this. I see. No, no, no, no, fine.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04So Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong climb aboard Apollo
0:15:04 > 0:15:0611 with the aim of beating the Soviets, once and for all.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Their mission is simple. fly to the moon, land on the moon,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11walk on the moon, leave the moon, fly home and Bob's your uncle,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14though only if you're my nephews. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Well, since the navigation computer was about as powerful
0:15:17 > 0:15:19as a chip inside a modern toaster, I'd say pretty much anything.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22But the date's been set, the cameras are primed and the eyes
0:15:22 > 0:15:25of the world watch with bated breath, which is difficult for eyes,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27as on July 20th, 1969,
0:15:27 > 0:15:28the Lunar Module, Eagle,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31separates from the Command Module, Columbia, and...
0:15:31 > 0:15:35land on the moon! Yes, the space race is finally won!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38A scoreboard-shattering victory to the US of A, as Neil Armstrong
0:15:38 > 0:15:42takes one small step for man and one giant leap for mankind.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44The Soviets accept defeat, wave goodbye to a moon they never
0:15:44 > 0:15:47reached and turn their attention to building space stations,
0:15:47 > 0:15:49leaving America to build a moon colony with a burger bar
0:15:49 > 0:15:51and a coffee shop, right?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Wrong! In fact, only 12 people ever set foot on the moon
0:15:54 > 0:15:56and no-one's been there since 1972.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59A tragic oversight that I'm going to rectify right now.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Yes, it's time to take one small step for Bob Hale,
0:16:01 > 0:16:02but one giant leap
0:16:02 > 0:16:05with the good people at Bob Hale's Space Rocket Industries.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Goodbye, Sam. I've always loved you. Will you wait for me?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- No.- Well, I'm not going, then.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Fine.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23BEATBOXES
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# What's going on? There's a horse in the hospital. #
0:16:25 > 0:16:28You, you, you! Welcome to me make show.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32This week, we is in the Middle Ages. Leave it!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34And we is going to be making some gold, yeah?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Yeah. Ha ha!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Showing us how it's done is my main man, all the way from Italy,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43the alchemist Bernard De Treviso.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Give it up!- Bon giorno.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Oh, OK. Oh, we're going for three.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Bernie, tell us about yourself, man.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Well, I've travelled the world
0:16:52 > 0:16:57and spent my entire fortune studying the ancient art of alchemy.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59What is that, like, a hocus pocus sort of...
0:16:59 > 0:17:00It's Middle Ages science.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03OK, we're cool, bruv. We're cool.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I bought a secret recipe for making gold off a monk
0:17:06 > 0:17:07in France.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09First of all, you're going to need some eggs.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Whoa, hang on! We's going to be making GOLD out of EGG?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Which I'm cool with, by the way.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Then you're going to need to mix the eggs with the horse dung...
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Dench.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24..and leave it to rot for a little while.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And then you're going need to heat the mixture.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29So here's some I prepared earlier.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Oh, man! No, seriously. That smells like my sister's kid's nappy!
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Eww! Oh, is that... And is that supposed to turn into gold?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Don't be ridiculous! No.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40You take some lead.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41You put the lead in the mixture.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42For real.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And then the lead turns into the gold.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Right. And it works?
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Well, you see for yourself. I made this nice necklace for you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Err, no. Thanks, but no, thanks. I ain't wearing that!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56You know, I don't believe you've ever made gold out of this
0:17:56 > 0:17:57recipe, for sure.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Well, give me a chance! I've only been trying for eight years.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Right, listen to me, yeah? You can't make gold out of egg and poo
0:18:05 > 0:18:06and lead and tin.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08What was I thinking?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I should have tried eggs and vinegar.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11Shut up!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14That's what a Belgian alchemist told me.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15I bought his recipe as well.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Now, listen. Hold up, man. Hold up, mate, yeah?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Get real! Look at me in my eye, yeah?
0:18:20 > 0:18:24No-one is ever going to get minted out of this!
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Well, you say that.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You should see how much I paid the monk for the recipe.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31All right, then. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What you doing? What you doing?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Costume! I've only got one of these.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35So annoying!
0:18:35 > 0:18:36SPLAT!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41It's true. That Italian fella really tried to make gold out of horse poo.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Ergh!
0:18:42 > 0:18:47Yes, in the Middle Ages, some people did some really stupid things.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55# Stupid death, stupid death, They're funny cos they're true, woo!
0:18:55 > 0:18:59# Stupid death, stupid death, Hope next time it's not you! #
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Ha hee.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Blah, blah, blah! You're talking rubbish, you two.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04I'm the star of this show. Me!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07You two are nobodies. Ooh!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10I did a funny. Nobodies cos you've got no bodies.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Ha ha! I just can't turn it off. Next.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Ooh, goody! Three for the price of one.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17And you are?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Who said that?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Erm, I did.- And you are?
0:19:21 > 0:19:22I asked you first.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24How dare you! Answer the question of the King.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Which king? - I am John, King of Bohemia.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Oh, right! Got you. I'm Death, by the way.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33I would have thought my general look was a DEAD giveaway!
0:19:33 > 0:19:35I'm also known as King John the blind.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Oh, that's embarrassing. But never mind. Tell us your story.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41OK, so it is, err... start of Hundred Years' War,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I've allied myself with the French.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It is 1346, we are lining up against the English
0:19:46 > 0:19:48and the Welsh at the Battle of Crecy.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- Sounds crazy!- OK. It's a bit of
0:19:50 > 0:19:52a disadvantage being blind in battle, as you can imagine.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54As I can imagine.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56So I asked my bodyguards to tie their horses to my horse with
0:19:56 > 0:19:58horse reins.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00And then, I can be directed at the enemy,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03so I charge full headlong into the battle.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And, umm... how did that work out for you?
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Not so good. We were all slain.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10LAUGHS
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Oh, sorry I'm late for battle. I got a bit tied up.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15You know, with the reins?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Err, we weren't late.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Whatever! You're through to the afterlife.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Yeah, it doesn't work.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24All right, all right! I was a bit strapped for a joke. Ooh!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Strapped, like, you're strapped to them.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- That kind of works. - Show him out, you two.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Now, which way are we going, guys? You've got to tell me.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33I like this guy.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Yeah, it's true. My tied-up joke was a bit ROPEY!
0:20:37 > 0:20:38LAUGHS
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I'm like a laugh machine gun. Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh,
0:20:41 > 0:20:42laugh, laugh, laugh!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Reload! Laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh!
0:20:44 > 0:20:45LAUGHS
0:20:45 > 0:20:46No? Oh.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50# Stupid death, stupid death, Hope next time it's not you! #
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Hoo, hoo!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Morning, Chivers. Riffing hot day, what? I need a swim.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Er, madam, I'm not sure you should...
0:21:03 > 0:21:06Oh, stuff and nonsense! I'm a member of the Carlton Ladies' Club and
0:21:06 > 0:21:10I will go for a swim in my club's pool when I blooming well want to!
0:21:10 > 0:21:11But madam! Have you not heard?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Room for a small one?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Ooh!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17They've drained the pool.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20They're keeping pigs in it to help the war effort.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Good for them!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22PPRRRRRTT!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Ugh! Does this mean they're members?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29I don't know what the fuss is all about.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30I love swimming in poo!
0:21:30 > 0:21:32LAUGHS
0:21:32 > 0:21:33It's true, though.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37The Ladies' Carlton Club did keep pigs in the swimming pool.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41With a war on, the government needed everybody to help produce food.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Welcome to Homefront Gardening with me, Alan Smallbog.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And what a delightful ornamental garden we find ourselves in today.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53It's the proud work of one Margery Brighton Belle.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Hello, Margery.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Good morning, Alan. It's a pleasure to have you here.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Thank you. Now what we're going to be doing today is making some small
0:22:01 > 0:22:02changes to your garden
0:22:02 > 0:22:05to bring it up-to-date with what's going on in the wartime
0:22:05 > 0:22:07gardening scene.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08We want to see the sort of thing that you might
0:22:08 > 0:22:11find in the gardens of Buckingham Palace itself.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Well, that sounds lovely.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15So I take these gorgeous roses and chrysanthemums.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Well, that has taken eight years of tender loving
0:22:18 > 0:22:21care to get them blooming just right.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22So let's just...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25get rid of them and replace them...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28..with these.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Carrots and turnips!
0:22:30 > 0:22:31But that won't work at all!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34The whole garden will be completely unbalanced.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38You can't plant carrots and turnips in my ornamental flower bed!
0:22:38 > 0:22:42You're not wrong, Margery. Best just dig them all up.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44That'll look horrible!
0:22:44 > 0:22:49That's as maybe, but just think of all the food you'll be growing.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51There's a war on, people are hungry.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54You said it was going to be like the King's garden at Buckingham Palace.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56It is! It's what he's doing there.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- What?- He's setting an example.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02The country needs food and you can't eat chrysanthemums.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Just follow the details on this handy government Dig for Victory
0:23:05 > 0:23:09pamphlet and plant veg where your posh flowers used to be.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13But this is the wrong time of year to be planting these vegetables.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And these need to be spaced further apart.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18This government pamphlet is giving people completely
0:23:18 > 0:23:19the wrong instructions.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22So it is! We needn't have dug up your beautiful flowers.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Are you sure you can't eat chrysanthemums, Alan?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Why?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Cos you're going to eat these.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29What?
0:23:29 > 0:23:30Come here, you!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32You've ruined our garden!
0:23:37 > 0:23:42History really was horrible, especially in the Stone Age.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Now, if you want horrible, check us Romans out.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47No, Saxon times were the worst.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51I think you'll find we Stuarts had it really bad.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Oh, chill out, guys! There's always been horrible history.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Get a load of this.
0:24:09 > 0:24:15# Stone Age brought you speech, Farms, the wheel and fire
0:24:15 > 0:24:19# Then metal was explored which meant we could make swords
0:24:19 > 0:24:22# To kill and build empires
0:24:22 > 0:24:25# Think Ancient Egypt was nicer?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# Pharaoh's tombs, lovely shrines?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# But some were living graves for hundreds of poor slaves
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# And pig's eye was our cure for the blind
0:24:34 > 0:24:38# Greek civilisation our creation
0:24:38 > 0:24:40# Drama and Philosophy
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# But Sparta praised lying, celebrated dying
0:24:44 > 0:24:46# And Hippocrates drank wee
0:24:46 > 0:24:49# We're History
0:24:49 > 0:24:54# We brought you bloodshed
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# Greek excursions to battle the Persians
0:24:57 > 0:24:59# Disembowelling our dead
0:24:59 > 0:25:03# Together we made the world
0:25:03 > 0:25:05# A little bit grim
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# We're History
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# Could be fairly dim
0:25:15 > 0:25:18# We Romans brought you roads
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# And public medicine
0:25:22 > 0:25:25# A Gladiator fighting, Feeding men to lions
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# Burning Christians, That kind of thing, you know
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# Then came the Middle Ages
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# Saxons, Normans, Vikings, Celts
0:25:34 > 0:25:38# A time of invasion, feudalism, Famine, Black Death,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41# Bubos and welts
0:25:41 > 0:25:47# 1066 saw Harold in a fix as William conquered all
0:25:47 > 0:25:50# What was the bettin' an arrow in his retina
0:25:50 > 0:25:52# Would lead to his downfall?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55# We're History
0:25:55 > 0:26:00# We brought invasion and strife
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# We attacked monasteries, Said, "Give us gold, please"
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# Then we took your life
0:26:06 > 0:26:11# Our crusades meant slaughter wherever we'd go
0:26:11 > 0:26:13# We're History
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# Was it pretty? No.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Tudor Stuart Georgian monarchs Next in line
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# Brought progress in science and art
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# Also beheadings, Burnings, civil war
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# Breed an economy, for a start
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# We're History
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# We gave you plague and disease
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# Travelled, found the Incans, Spread smallpox in a blink and
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# Brought them to their knees
0:26:46 > 0:26:52# Dogs, cats and the French blamed for plague along the way
0:26:52 > 0:26:53# We're History
0:26:54 > 0:26:59# Not such happy days
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Victorian technology went hand-in-hand with poverty
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# Kids up chimneys and down mines
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# Improvements to the world did pick up despite some violent hiccups
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Two World Wars, millions died
0:27:10 > 0:27:13# We're History
0:27:13 > 0:27:17# Our times smelly and gory
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# We reigned over you and told you what to do
0:27:21 > 0:27:24# And that is this story
0:27:24 > 0:27:29# Thought we were amazing though you may quibble
0:27:29 > 0:27:31# We're history
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# And we made it horri...
0:27:37 > 0:27:44# ..Ble
0:27:44 > 0:27:50# We're History. #
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
0:27:58 > 0:28:02Then go to the CBBC Website and click on the link.
0:28:02 > 0:28:03See you there.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #