0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce, toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:40At the Battle of Pelusium in 525BC, the Persians faced
0:00:40 > 0:00:44the might of our Egyptian army and they used a sneaky trick to beat us.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Great. I don't care if we are the elite of the Persian army,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51I don't fancy our chances against the Egyptians.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Look at them, there must be thousands of them!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Relax, man, we're being led by Cambyses the Conqueror,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59the Butcher of Memphis - imagine how many Egyptians
0:00:59 > 0:01:01you've got to kill to get a nickname like that.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Besides, I've heard we've got a secret weapon too.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Warriors, with our new secret weapon we shall be invulnerable.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11I present the weapon that will defeat the Egyptians.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Right, um, does it explode?
0:01:15 > 0:01:18No, it's just a cat. It works like this.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Present cat!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- You see? - We're going to get creamed.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Let's get out of here!
0:01:25 > 0:01:26Wait! Allow me a chance
0:01:26 > 0:01:28to demonstrate how our secret cat weapon works.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- Ridiculous.- Present cat!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- It stopped.- They're retreating. How does it work?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Simples! Egyptians love cats.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43They have cat cults, cat festivals, whole cities dedicated to cats.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45They wouldn't dare risk hurting one.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47As long as we hold the cats between us and them,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49they shan't dare attack.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You realise there's one problem with your plan?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- What's that? - What if you're allergic?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55THEY SNEEZE
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Wazoo! Wazoo!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59- Sorry, you've got a really weird sneeze.- Yeah, I know.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Sounds like you're just saying, "Wazoo."
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Wazoo!- Sounds like wazoo, extraordinary.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Please, stop it, stop it. Wazoo!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Bless you!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Ancient Egyptians offered mummified cats to the goddess Bastet.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14One tomb, built in around 2000BC,
0:02:14 > 0:02:19was discovered with the remains of 80,000 cat mummies.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I'd like us all just to take a moment to think about
0:02:22 > 0:02:23all those dead cats.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Whoo-hoo! Dead cats! Dead cats!
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Dead cats! Dead cats! Dead cats!
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Then you'll love I Love Cats Magazine, because
0:02:34 > 0:02:38we Ancient Egyptians don't just love cats, we worship them, literally.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Don't miss our special offer on moggie mummification.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44When your beloved pusscat passes on, why not treat them
0:02:44 > 0:02:47to their own special sarcophagus? Purr-fect!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49You'll love our special report
0:02:49 > 0:02:51on the Festival of Bastet, goddess of cats.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54700,000 visited her temple at Bubastis, honouring her
0:02:54 > 0:02:58by singing and dancing and drinking loads and loads of wine.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Festival of Bastet's brilliant. - Meow!
0:03:01 > 0:03:05And don't miss this month's special feature on hunting with cats.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Find out how I taught my cat how to help me hunt.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11All I have to do is throw this boomerang
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and try and catch a flying bird.
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Yes, got one! Now Tiddles will help me retrieve it. Tiddles, fetch!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Go on, Tiddles, fetch the... No, you're going the wrong way.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25She needs a bit more training. I wish you were a dog!
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Ugh, every time!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Cat-astrophe!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30And enter this month's cat caption competition
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and you could win a cat pendant, which comes with a lifetime
0:03:33 > 0:03:35guarantee of protection from the cat goddess herself.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Check out last month's winner.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42So buy I Love Cats Magazine, out Meow!
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Yours for three cloves of garlic, or one clove of garlic
0:03:45 > 0:03:46if you're good at bartering.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Famous Scot Bonnie Prince Charlie
0:03:53 > 0:03:55thought he should be King of Britain,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59so he led a rebellion against George II, but his army was heavily
0:03:59 > 0:04:03defeated at the Battle of Culloden and Charlie needed help to escape.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08- WOMAN'S VOICE:- Ooh, hello.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm just canvassing opinion on the Young Pretender,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Bonnie Prince Charlie, who recently failed in his attempt
0:04:13 > 0:04:16to overthrow King George II. Do you think
0:04:16 > 0:04:20he's A, absolutely awful and you'd turn him in in a heartbeat?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22B, basically all right, but you wouldn't want to meet him?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Or C, a good Scottish lad who you'd definitely help
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- if he came to your door doing a silly voice?- C.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- NORMAL VOICE: - Ah, thank goodness for that.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Bonnie Prince Charlie! - The very same.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39What on earth are you doing out here in the Hebrides?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm on the run. King George II wants me dead.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44For some reason, he didn't like me going to war against him.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45I can't imagine why.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48No, nor I, given I am the last legitimate heir
0:04:48 > 0:04:50to the House of Stuart and the rightful heir
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- to the throne of Britain. - If you say so.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Now, I can arrange safe passage to France from the Isle of Skye,
0:04:55 > 0:04:57but I cannae get to Skye on my own.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So, what do you say? Will you help a handsome prince?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Maybe, what's his name?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Er, I meant me.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Oh, right! Of course.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Now, the King has put a £30,000 price on my head, so
0:05:08 > 0:05:11the challenge is going to be getting me to Skye without being spotted.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- Don't you worry, I have everything we need.- Oh, great, thanks.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17It's a nightmare, all this running and hiding.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Can you think of anything more humiliating
0:05:19 > 0:05:23than a man of royal blood having to skulk around the moors like...
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Apparently, you can.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29If anyone asks, your name is Betty Burke and you're my Irish maid.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Can you do an Irish accent?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Top o' the morning to you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35Maybes I'll do the talking.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Well, what do you think?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41Think you make a more convincing Irish maid than you would a King.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Well, people do say I'm bonnie.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48After Bonnie Prince Charlie's rebellion,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51a law made it illegal for Scotsmen to wear kilts.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Though it said nothing about wearing dresses.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59The ban remained in force until 1782.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02One famous Scot who had more luck against the English was
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Robert the Bruce.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10OK, hit me.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I am Robert the Bruce
0:06:11 > 0:06:14and this is the tale of how I defeated the English King
0:06:14 > 0:06:18at the Battle of Bannockburn and won the throne of Scotland.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Isn't Scoterland part of Engerland?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Not exactly.- Now, where have I heard of you before?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Perhaps you've heard tales of my courage and skills in battle?
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- That's it, you're the spider guy! - The what-what guy?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Yes, you hid in a cave, watching a spider
0:06:34 > 0:06:35and that inspired you to fight on.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Every time the web snapped, the spider started to build it again.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- If at first you don't succeed, try again.- Not in the movies, honey.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45No, that never actually happened, that's just a story people tell
0:06:45 > 0:06:48to explain why I never gave up, no matter what.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51What if he got bitten by the spider and turned into a superhero?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Spider Guy!- Spider Guy II! - Now we're getting somewhere.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Enough about the spiders man, OK?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58This film is about how we Scots defeated
0:06:58 > 0:07:00the English King Edward in battle.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Braveheart? I love that movie. - Seen it, bought the facepaint.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- No, that was the other chap. - Mel Gibson?- William Wallace.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08So, who's this clown?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I'm Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12William Wallace had been dead nine years
0:07:12 > 0:07:14when we defeated the English at Bannockburn.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16He wasn't even fighting the same King Edward.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Yes, but he won you the throne.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Aye, he won some battles, yes,
0:07:20 > 0:07:24but then he was defeated and had to hide for several years.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26I won my own throne.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Are you suggesting that the Hollywood film Braveheart is
0:07:29 > 0:07:31not 100% historically accurate?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I think I'm going to faint.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I think we're going to go with Spider Guy.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No! I will not have it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41I will not have you take my life and make a mockery of it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45- Ye may tak our life...- Ohh!
0:07:45 > 0:07:49..but ye'll nevurr tak our FREEDOMMMMM!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- ALL:- FREEDOM! - Pathetic.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Great guy. Love the Irish... - Scottish.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- Now that Colin Farrell's going to play him...- Colin Farrell?!
0:08:10 > 0:08:12You want buy clothes?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15What clothes?
0:08:15 > 0:08:17This clothes.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Ugh, clothes look stupid.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Clothes latest thing. Good for keep warm.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- This winter clothes.- Ugh!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27This summer clothes.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Ooh! Clothes stinky.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Ooh, this clothes better.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Ooh, so soft.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Previous owner not finished with those clothes.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- BEAR GROWLS - Argh!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Funny.
0:08:43 > 0:08:49Yes, Stone Age man make lots of clever inven...inventons...in...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Ugh, things.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54This one make hunting much easier.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Hello and welcome to Historical Top Gear.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05If you want to go somewhere fast, we've got the answer because, today,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08we're looking at the very latest in transportation devices -
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- the horse. - I know what you're thinking,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12horses have been around for even longer than this
0:09:12 > 0:09:14prehistoric presenter, but up until now,
0:09:14 > 0:09:18they've been tricky to ride and almost impossible to steer.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21That is until boffins in the Ukraine came up with a brand-new
0:09:21 > 0:09:24piece of technology which makes it far easier to ride
0:09:24 > 0:09:27on horses' backs, and here it is.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30This clever piece of kit is called a bit.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33A bit? They might as well have called it a thingy.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Anyway, enough chat, it's time for a test ride.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42And just look at the Stig out on track. Here's how it works.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45The bit works by applying pressure to the horse's lip,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48so when I pull on this rein, the horse turns left
0:09:48 > 0:09:51and when I pull on this rein, the horse turns right.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Clever stuff.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56My horse now handles beautifully, especially on tight corners.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58I can see how this Ukrainian gizmo
0:09:58 > 0:10:00is really going to revolutionise hunting.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05These horses are pretty powerful.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07How many horsepower does one horse put out?
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- Um, one.- Woof!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Next week on Historical Top Gear in the Stone Age,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16we'll be looking at how the boffins are getting on inventing the wheel.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Well, that's never going to work.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I mean, how are the going to fit it on the horses' legs?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- No idea.- Mm.- Well, on that bombshell, goodbye.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Today on Victorian Word Battles,
0:10:31 > 0:10:34it's Charles Dickens versus Lewis Carroll.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36The authors of Alice in Wonderland
0:10:36 > 0:10:39and Oliver Twist going head-to-head in a word-off.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43This is about to go down.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Messiness.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Mmm, burble.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Unpromisingly.
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Chortle.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Fancy-dressed.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Mm, slithy, galumphing bandersnatch.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I'm sorry, actually, I let burble and chortle go,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05but slithy, galumphing bandersnatch aren't real words.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Yes, they are, I just created them.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Oh, bah, humbug!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Now who's making stuff up?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Did you know, Lewis Carroll wasn't the author's real name?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21His real name was Charles Dodson.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Lots of authors use a so-called pen name to write their books, hmm.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Mine's JK Rowling.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Lewis Carroll loved imagining crazy fantasy stories, whereas
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Charles Dickens preferred telling stories about gritty real life.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42JANGLY GUITAR MUSIC
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Whoo!
0:11:45 > 0:11:50# I lived a happy life till I was 10 years old
0:11:50 > 0:11:54# When debt landed Dad in prison and our country house was sold
0:11:54 > 0:11:59# Lodged with a lady in her London flat so cold
0:11:59 > 0:12:03# Worked at a boot polish factory labelling jars, quite dull, all told
0:12:03 > 0:12:09# Goodness only knows, I was a miserable so-oh-oul
0:12:11 > 0:12:15# For a time I went to school, but then I found a job
0:12:15 > 0:12:20# As a clerk to a lawyer, oh, it made my poor head throb
0:12:20 > 0:12:24# I failed to be an actor, despite my loud gob
0:12:24 > 0:12:28# Ended up reporting speeches of the Parliamentary mob
0:12:28 > 0:12:35# Then as everybody knows, I started writing pro-oh-ose
0:12:37 > 0:12:41# Put my life into my books Friends and enemies and crooks
0:12:41 > 0:12:46# Legal bosses, up they crop In the Old Curiosity Shop
0:12:46 > 0:12:50# Fagin in Oliver Twist? A factory pal - you get the gist
0:12:50 > 0:12:54# And although my memory's quite foggy
0:12:54 > 0:13:01# Got Scrooge from the grave of Ebenezer Scroo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oggie
0:13:01 > 0:13:04# My first book was an overnight sensation
0:13:04 > 0:13:09# But I drove myself too hard to enjoy the adulation
0:13:09 > 0:13:13# Despite my wealth, my family begged for money
0:13:13 > 0:13:18# I wrote of it in Chuzzlewit, which people said was funny
0:13:18 > 0:13:24# Didn't sell like books before My family still asked for mo-oh-ore
0:13:26 > 0:13:30# Little Dorrit is a tale About my dad in debtors' jail
0:13:30 > 0:13:35# While Hard Times tells my life, 'bout when I tried to leave my wife
0:13:35 > 0:13:39# Little Nell's death was my poor, dear, departed sister-in-law
0:13:39 > 0:13:43# And David Copperfield working in a factory
0:13:43 > 0:13:49# I must confess that that was really me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e
0:13:50 > 0:13:55# In my life, felt shame 'bout poverty in childhood
0:13:55 > 0:13:59# Wrote about sadness, suffering and fears
0:13:59 > 0:14:03# Also wrote about people with funny names
0:14:03 > 0:14:10# Bumble, Smallweed, Scrooge, Uriah Heep and Wackford Squeers
0:14:12 > 0:14:16# Whilst writing Edwin Drood, a train crash didn't help my mood
0:14:16 > 0:14:20# Still I drove myself on With readings far across the pond
0:14:20 > 0:14:22# Died before I wrote Drood's end
0:14:22 > 0:14:24# This sort of thing drove me round the bend
0:14:24 > 0:14:29# So Dickens take a, Dickens take a bow
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# And heaven knows
0:14:32 > 0:14:37# I'm miserable no-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-w. #
0:14:44 > 0:14:46We Greeks loved a bit of philosophy.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49It's the study of the most puzzling questions in life,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51like why are we here?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54What is reality? And how come all philosophers are so weird?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Welcome back to Historical Come Dine With Me,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01where we brought together four Ancient Greek philosophers.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Wacky mathematician Pythagoras served up some interested theorems.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07A squared plus B squared equals C squared. Do you see?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09That is absolute genius.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11And the other thing is, that after you've died,
0:15:11 > 0:15:13you come back as animals.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16No, I know this because the other day I heard a dog barking
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and it definitely was the voice of my friend.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Having given up all possessions and clothing,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25hippy philosopher Diogenes invited everyone back to his barrel.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Yes, barrel!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Well, er, make yourselves at home, lads, this is the dining room,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33the living room and the bedroom.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35- Oh...- Ooh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- And the toilet. - Well, that's charming.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40And know-it-all biologist Aristotle
0:15:40 > 0:15:42sliced up a duck, a goose, an octopus and a swan.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Thank you.- Sounds delicious.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Oh, I'm not cooking them.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I'm chopping them into bits, to see how their bodies work.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Hummus? Hummus?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52And now it's time for greedy poet Philoxenus to host
0:15:52 > 0:15:55a meal for his fellow contestants.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59I do love cooking, um, well, other people's cooking.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02When I'm feeling a bit peckish, what I like to do is
0:16:02 > 0:16:04wander the streets until I smell something good, then
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I knock on the door, go inside and join 'em at the table for dinner.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Fantastic. And cheap.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Yes, you're what we'd call a cheeky beggar.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Be careful, yeah? That's well hot. - Perfect. Thank you, cook.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Hang on, what do you think you're doing?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20What are you doing? What are you doing?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I need to gargle with hot water, to strengthen my resistance to heat.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26It seems as if Philoxenus is so greedy, he's training himself
0:16:26 > 0:16:29to eat all the hot food before anyone else gets a look in.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Lovely. You will remember
0:16:31 > 0:16:34to make all the food piping hot, won't you? OK.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38It's time for Philoxenus to welcome his guests to a memorable feast.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42But how will they get on with his piping hot food?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Argh!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Agh! Ugh! Ugh!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Ooh, looks like a bad day to give up clothes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Ugh! Argh! - Scores, please.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52It's a nought from Aristotle.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54a nought from Pythagoras,
0:16:54 > 0:16:55and from Diogenes, it's a...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57PHHFFRRT!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Oh, dear, I think that might be a number two.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22Queen Elizabeth I had a spy master called Francis Walsingham.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25His mission - to catch Catholics plotting against the Queen.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29His method - a brand-new postal service.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Want your letters and messages delivered promptly?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Want a postal service that won't let you down?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Want your personal correspondence read by a spy?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Then you need... Sorry, I just said spy, didn't I?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42I just said spy.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I really shouldn't mention the whole spy thing, should I?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No. OK, let's go again, one more time.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Hi, I'm Francis Walsingham
0:17:50 > 0:17:54and my new, royal approved postal service is set to transform
0:17:54 > 0:17:58the way that you communicate. Now you can send your letters
0:17:58 > 0:18:01and messages from any of our new postal offices.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04From there, they'll be collected, sorted,
0:18:04 > 0:18:08read by a spy and hand delivered to... I said it again!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11The fact that I have every letter read by a spy should be a secret,
0:18:11 > 0:18:13that's the point, Francis!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Sorry. Sorry, everyone. OK, let's do it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20My new postal service is 100% safe and secure,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24meaning your mail definitely won't be read by spies looking for
0:18:24 > 0:18:26evidence of Catholic conspiracies against Queen Elizabeth.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Hold on. Hold on. By denying we're using spies,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33it's pretty clear that we are using spies, isn't it? Am I wrong?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I should probably avoid using the word spies altogether, really.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Hi, I'm Sir Francis Walsingham
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and if you're looking for a safer way to get your letters
0:18:42 > 0:18:46delivered, then try the new, royal approved mail service today.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51We should probably change that last line.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Walsingham and his spies were very effective.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56They stopped the Babington Plot
0:18:56 > 0:18:59to put Mary, Queen of Scots on Elizabeth's throne.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Mary never did have much luck.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Hello and welcome to the News at When.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13When? Nearly 500 years ago, when perhaps the unluckiest royal
0:19:13 > 0:19:18in history started a brand-new job at a very young age.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20For more details on this incredible story,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24we go over to Bob Hale with the Mary, Queen of Scots Report. Bob.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Thank you, Sam. Well, the year is 1542 and a child is about to be born
0:19:28 > 0:19:31who's the, wait for it, wait for it...
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Yes, there she is. Mary Stuart,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34daughter to James V of Scotland,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37a confident king who'd ruled the Scots since he was just
0:19:37 > 0:19:40one year old, and would go on ruling them until he was old and grey...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Oh, no, my mistake, he's dead,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45aged just 30, leaving six-day-old Mary as the new Queen of Scotland,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48a role that would almost certainly have eaten into naptime.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51So various regents were brought in to run Scotland
0:19:51 > 0:19:53on Mary's behalf until she was old enough to rule alone,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55or at the very least, hold her own cutlery.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57But she soon grows up, masters cutlery
0:19:57 > 0:20:00and in a slightly unusual move for a Scottish monarch, moves to France.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Yes, seeing how nice France is,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05she marries France's Prince Francis, who then becomes France's
0:20:05 > 0:20:08King Francis, with whom she shares a long and happy life, filled...
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Oh, no, my mistake, he's dead too.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Killed by an ear infection, which I think we can assume got quite bad.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So, Mary is ousted from France, returns to Scotland
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and decides to marry her cousin this time, a certain Lord Darnley,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22who, despite being as popular with the Scottish nobles
0:20:22 > 0:20:24as a dust-covered cat in an allergy clinic,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27enjoys a long and happy marriage... No, no, scratch that.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30It seems rumours start circulating of a romance
0:20:30 > 0:20:33between the married Queen and her private secretary, David Rizzio.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Luckily though, Mary completely denies these rumours, which
0:20:36 > 0:20:39means that Rizzio can go on to live a long and happy life, filled...
0:20:39 > 0:20:40No, didn't think so.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Yes, despite bravely hiding behind the now pregnant Queen,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Rizzio is dragged away by a mob of Lord Darnley's friends,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49stabbed 56 times and thrown down some stairs,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51leaving him very likely dead.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54But, with Rizzio out of the picture, the way is clear for Mary
0:20:54 > 0:20:57and Lord Darnley to enjoy that long and happy marriage,
0:20:57 > 0:20:58which I mentioned a few short...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01No, should have guessed, Darnley's dead too,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04killed in a very weird explosion at his house, the sort of weird
0:21:04 > 0:21:07explosion that also strangles you and dumps your body in the garden,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09which, if we look at Suspicious Death-O-Meter, yes,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12highly suspicious and for good reason,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14because it turns out Darnley was probably murdered
0:21:14 > 0:21:16by a Scottish noble called the Earl of Bothwell,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19who I imagine the now-widowed Mary hates more than anyone else on...
0:21:19 > 0:21:24No! My mistake, she's married him. Did not see that coming.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27But marrying her dead husband's murderer does not go down well
0:21:27 > 0:21:30with the Scottish people, who force Mary to hand her crown
0:21:30 > 0:21:33to her baby son, James VI, and run away to England.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Luckily, Mary's cousin, Elizabeth I, welcomes her to England
0:21:36 > 0:21:39with opens arms and... I cannot get a break today.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42No, it seems that Elizabeth throws Mary in jail
0:21:42 > 0:21:45because she's worried Mary might try and murder her and steal the English
0:21:45 > 0:21:49crown, which is something that would never happen in a million years...
0:21:49 > 0:21:51No, no. Come on now. Yes, there is a plot to place
0:21:51 > 0:21:52Mary on Elizabeth's throne,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55but that's hatched by an Italian banker called Ridolfi
0:21:55 > 0:21:58and the Duke of Norfolk, so it's nothing to do with Mary herself,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01who would never do anything as awful as hatch a plot
0:22:01 > 0:22:05to kill her own cousin in cold... Will you please just...!
0:22:05 > 0:22:08OK, yes, fine, I suppose Mary does have a hand in the next plot to kill
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Elizabeth, the Babington Plot, because it's Mary's own letters
0:22:11 > 0:22:13about it that leads to the plan being discovered.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16But I'm sure Queen Elizabeth will react in a calm and maj...
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I was joking! That was a joke. Honestly!
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Elizabeth reacts to the discovery of the plot by signing Mary's death
0:22:22 > 0:22:25warrant and despite a last minute wobble over whether or not to go
0:22:25 > 0:22:28through with it, Elizabeth finally has Mary, Queen of Scots executed
0:22:28 > 0:22:32on 8th February 1587, at which point the executioner discovers
0:22:32 > 0:22:35she wears a wig, when he tries to pick her head up by the hair.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38That happened! That actually happened!
0:22:38 > 0:22:39It did. Ugh, honestly!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42And her lips kept moving for a quarter of an hour after she died.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Well, that's an eyewitness account!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I'm telling you... Stop making the...
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Right, that's it, I'm turning that off.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51No, I've had enough with it.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53We'll see who the clever man is now, won't we?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Probably should have turned the power off. Back to you, Sam.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Hi, welcome to Gross Designs.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17I'm here in Middle Ages Romania to meet a man with a truly
0:23:17 > 0:23:22awe-inspiring new design project to defend his country.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26His name is Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Please, my friends call me Dracula.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32You're not going to bite my neck and suck out all the blood, are you?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34No, I'm not vampire.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You're not some crazed killer.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Mm, well, I'm not vampire anyway.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44No, Dracula means son of Dracul, the Dragon.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Dracul was my father's name, so I am Dracul-a.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Glad we've cleared that up. Why don't you tell us about your design?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56So, the basic plan is to defend my country from invasion
0:23:56 > 0:24:00with 20,000 sharpened wooden poles.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Vlad has been having a dispute with his neighbour,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06the massive Ottoman Empire, which wants to invade his country
0:24:06 > 0:24:10and conquer it, as they've done with many other countries.
0:24:10 > 0:24:15Vlad's solution is to build a large fence all the way around the border.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18So it's an interesting nickname you've got, Vlad the Impala.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Forgive me for saying, but you don't seem like the kind of man
0:24:21 > 0:24:23who'd be named after a small gazelle.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26No, no, it's Vlad the Impaler, Kevin.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27The army is out there right now,
0:24:27 > 0:24:33rounding up 20,000 volunteers to impale on these sharp poles.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Ugh! Like shish kebab.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38HE LAUGHS
0:24:38 > 0:24:40You know what the Ottomans will say when they see
0:24:40 > 0:24:44the bodies of 20,000 of my own people spiked on the border?
0:24:44 > 0:24:50- You're insane!- Agh! Exactly. We'll have a little sign which says
0:24:50 > 0:24:52"Welcome to Wallachia, stick around...
0:24:52 > 0:24:57"and end up around a stick!" Ah-ha-ha!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00They'll be too terrified to invade.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03It is genius and it will work.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Has he gone?
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Vlad the Impaler really did have 20,000 of his own people
0:25:11 > 0:25:15impaled on stakes to scare away invaders.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16It worked, too!
0:25:16 > 0:25:21They thought if he'd do that to his own people, what will he do to us?
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Rulers really can't get much more rotten than that. Or can they?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# They're funny cos they're true, wooh!
0:25:33 > 0:25:37# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, hope next time it's not you! #
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Mmm! Um, num, num, num, that was delicious,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43but I couldn't eat another thing.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Do you want a chip?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Oh, I see you've already eaten. Right, best get on. Next!
0:25:50 > 0:25:51And you are?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Ivan the Terrible.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Ooh, Ivan the "Terrible"! And what's so "terrible" about you?
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Hope it's not wind.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02I once gouged out the eyes of two architects.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, yes, and what crime had they committed?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08They had built me the most beautiful church the world had ever seen,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11St Basil's in Moscow, the one with the multi-coloured onion domes -
0:26:11 > 0:26:12is very nice, very pretty.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15And you rewarded them by gouging their eyes out.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Of course, to ensure that they never built
0:26:17 > 0:26:19anything better for anybody else.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Yeah, that is quite "terrible", actually.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I once had an archbishop sewn into a bearskin
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and hunted down and killed by wild dogs.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Yup. That's pretty terrible too.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I also had people buried alive, roasted on a spit,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36boiled in oil and my enemies' ribs pulled out by hot pincers.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40All right, mate, steady on, I've just had me lunch.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43I also tipped scalding soup over my jester.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Just how bad were his jokes?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Put it this way, that was the only time he made me laugh.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49I then stabbed him to death.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52All right, mate, you've made your point, it's official,
0:26:52 > 0:26:55you are terrible. So, come on then, let's hear it,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58what terrible way did Ivan the Terrible die?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Ooh, let me guess, were you covered in honey and eaten alive by ants?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04- Nyet. - Mm, ripped apart by wild horses?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- Negative.- Ugh. Well?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I died playing chess.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11You... HE LAUGHS
0:27:11 > 0:27:14The most bloodthirsty man on the planet
0:27:14 > 0:27:16died playing a board game!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18All right, laugh, it up, Skeletor.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Hey, who won? Or was it a dead heat?
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Dead! I said a dead heat. Mmm.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26I once killed my jester, remember?
0:27:26 > 0:27:27I'm already dead, mate. Keep up.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Well done, you're through to the afterlife. Don't stay in touch.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32See you later, crocodile.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35No, it's "see you later, alligator", because it... Oh, never mind.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38What's that? Yes, you're quite right.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Terrible man. Next!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# Hope next time it's not you, whoo-oo! #
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:48 > 0:27:49# The ugly truth... #
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
0:27:52 > 0:27:56Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link. See you there!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# The past is no longer a mystery
0:27:59 > 0:28:04# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #