0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians,
0:00:03 > 0:00:05# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians Woeful wars, ferocious fights
0:00:05 > 0:00:06# Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# Horrors that defy description
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# Punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Roman, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Caveman savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Groovy Greeks, rainy sages
0:00:16 > 0:00:17# Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Welcome to HORRIBLE HISTORIES! #
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Hi, I'm a surprisingly-handsome, Anglo-Saxon scientist
0:00:45 > 0:00:48and I'm going to tell you about the wonders of the Anglo-Saxon universe.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49It's amazing!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Some people think that, just because it was sometimes called
0:00:52 > 0:00:55the Dark Ages, us Anglo-Saxons were all stupid and didn't know anything.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56They haven't got a clue.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I bet they're not as handsome as me, either?
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The Venerable Bede was an amazing Anglo-Saxon monk,
0:01:02 > 0:01:05and he wrote a book called On The Reckoning Of Time.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07It's a book. Like Harry Potter!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Bede explained how the length of daylight changes
0:01:09 > 0:01:11because the Earth is round
0:01:11 > 0:01:14and he showed how the tides were affected by the motion of the moon.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18See, he wasn't stupid, was he? He knew loads. Amazing!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21OK, thanks, Brian. That's great, thank you.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Hang on, I've got another brilliant Anglo-Saxon scientific fact.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Right, are you sure you don't want to quit while you're ahead?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28No, it's amazing!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Great, well, you can't say we didn't warn you.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34We Anglo-Saxons were the first people anywhere in the world
0:01:34 > 0:01:38to discover the scientific fact that storms are caused by people
0:01:38 > 0:01:40from a cloud country in the sky called Magonia.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Oh, here we go! >
0:01:42 > 0:01:45They'd use the bad weather as cover to come in their giant airships
0:01:45 > 0:01:46and steal our crops.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49That's why we have to pay a weather wizard to keep them away.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51OK, fellas, usual routine. Let's go, come on.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52No, no, no, it's true.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55We've even caught a Magonian spy.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Well, you know, a woman picking fruit off a tree, after a storm.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01Shame they weren't all as smart as that Bede fellow, eh?
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Comets are dragons! It's Anglo-Saxon scientific fact!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09The term Anglo-Saxon comes from two tribes who settled from England,
0:02:09 > 0:02:10the Angles and the Saxons,
0:02:10 > 0:02:12but there were also other tribes, like the Jutes.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14They all believed in magic,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16so when the Pope sent a monk called Augustine
0:02:16 > 0:02:17to convert them to Christianity,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20King Aethelbert thought he was a wizard.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Have heart, men, our enemy may have mystical powers
0:02:24 > 0:02:27beyond our imagining, but he made his first mistake
0:02:27 > 0:02:28by agreeing to meet us out here.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31The open air will limit his magical powers.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Sire, the dread wizard approaches.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I am Aethelbert, King of Kent. Speak!
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Brother Augustine. St Augustine, one day, fingers crossed,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45try not to be too big-headed.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Oh, slap wrists, naughty. Anyhoo, I have a message.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Sire, where's the rest of them?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53This bloke's the least scary person I've ever seen in my life.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Do not be fooled by this man's puny body and silly face.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Erm, hello, I can hear you both, actually. Quite hurtful.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Now, when you're ready, I have a message from the Pope.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Nice and slow.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11He's been most interested in the Angles ever since
0:03:11 > 0:03:13he saw one in the market place in Rome.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15It's a funny story, actually.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18He said, "Who's this strange-looking blonde person?"
0:03:18 > 0:03:21And his assistant said, "That's an Angle," and the Pope said,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"An Angle? More like an angel."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26HE LAUGHS
0:03:26 > 0:03:27Sorry, which was the funny bit?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Well, he's a Pope, isn't he?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31He's not a professional comedian. What do you expect?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Anyway, he's so keen on you Angles that he sent me
0:03:34 > 0:03:35on my mission to Britain.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36An invasion?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38No, he doesn't want us to take over,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40he just wants to convert you to Christianity.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Oh, is that it?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43All right, I'm in.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Oh, what? That's a miracle.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Well, not really, my wife's a Christian
0:03:47 > 0:03:49and I've been thinking about it for a while, so...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Would she like to build a church in Canterbury?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Already built one of those...for the wife.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Right, then, just, er, carry on. God be with you.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- Oh, what does he want to be god of?- I'm sorry?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's just we've got loads of gods we've been worshipping for years,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04so we're not going to stop worshipping them.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Our God is the God of everything. - It's a bit greedy, isn't it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I don't think you're quite getting the hang of this.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Maybe I should stick around.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Er, I'll call myself the Archbishop of Canterbury, how's about that?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You could be god of something, if you want?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19No, no, there only is one God.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Ah! And that's...you?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- No, no, that's Him.- Me?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26No, not you. God.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- The god of...- Everything.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29- Like dreams?- Yeah, dreams.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31And smells?
0:04:31 > 0:04:32If you like, yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Introducing the latest weapon in the war against the plague.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The Whiffy jar.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Hello, I'm a Stuart doctor.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Now, we all know that the plague is spread by bad smells.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Well, there's only one way to stop it.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54That's right, with more bad smells. Makes sense, doesn't it?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56- Not really.- It makes sense!
0:04:56 > 0:05:01You simply take a jar and collect as many guffs as possible in it.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY
0:05:06 > 0:05:07There.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Then, as soon as anyone is feeling unwell,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11you simply give them a whiff of it.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13HE RETCHES
0:05:13 > 0:05:16There you go, old boy. Feeling any better now?
0:05:16 > 0:05:17No, if anything, I feel worse.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Oh! That's worse than his.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Seriously, are we doing this now? I'm ill.- Sorry.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Here's how we think it works.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26The bad air of the trump
0:05:26 > 0:05:27fights off the bad air
0:05:27 > 0:05:29that's carrying the plague.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Leaving you 100% plague-free.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34In tests, the Whiffy Jar proved just as effective
0:05:34 > 0:05:37as wiping a chicken's bottom against your plague sores.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39The Whiffy Jar.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Now, with a new, easy refill system.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45HE RETCHES AGAIN
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Oh, dear, I think we'd better...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52BREATHES IN DEEPLY
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Argh! Better safe than sorry.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56The Whiffy Jar...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02We Stuarts may have had some slightly odd ideas about medicine,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05but we did have some great scientific thinkers.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08So, Charles II established the Royal Society as a place
0:06:08 > 0:06:09for clever folk to meet -
0:06:09 > 0:06:12people like diarist Samuel Pepys, and astronomer Edmund Halley.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Here is your tea, Pepys.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Oh, thank you.
0:06:18 > 0:06:23"Britain's favourite diarist enjoyed a cup of tea with Mr Halley."
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Must you write EVERYTHING down, Pepys?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28If a man is to keep a diary of everything that happens
0:06:28 > 0:06:29in London town,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33he must keep a diary of EVERYTHING that happens in London town!
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"..replied the quick-witted diarist, to the bumbling astronomer."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It's finished, it's finished, it's finally finished!
0:06:41 > 0:06:47"Sir Isaac Newton did enter the Royal Society in high spirits."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Must you write everything down, Pepys?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, if a man is to keep a diary...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Don't get him started. So, what have you finished, Newton?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Only the single most important literary work
0:06:57 > 0:07:01in the history of science - the Principia.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03It contains the law of universal gravitation,
0:07:03 > 0:07:05the laws of motion,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08the very foundations of classical mechanics.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Blah, blah, blah, boring, blah, blah, blah, blah, yawn.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Why, this is brilliant!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18This will change the way people understand the mechanical workings
0:07:18 > 0:07:20of the universe.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Pepys, the Royal Society must publish this forthwith.
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Er...
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Is there a problem?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29It's just possible that I may have spent
0:07:29 > 0:07:31all of the Royal Society's money.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33On what?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35On publishing this.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- BOTH:- The History of Fishes...
0:07:38 > 0:07:43"At which point, everyone did agree, The History of Fishes
0:07:43 > 0:07:47"was the most marvellous book ever."
0:07:47 > 0:07:51Who on Earth needs to read a massive book on the history of fishes?
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Why, fish historians, of course! "Countered the razor-sharp diarist."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58And how many fish historians do you know?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01One.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Apart from the bloke who wrote the book!
0:08:03 > 0:08:04None.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07You're an idiot. Write that down.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Don't want to.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Write that down!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Don't...
0:08:11 > 0:08:16"'I am an idiot," wrote the idiot, Pepys."
0:08:16 > 0:08:17My quill...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20All right, all right. There's a way we can work this out, Newton.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21There is?
0:08:21 > 0:08:25I am not without means myself. Loaded, yeah, pretty loaded.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28So, perhaps, I could advance you the £50 you need
0:08:28 > 0:08:30to publish your Principia.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32But Halley, thanks to fish-brain here,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34the Royal Society is now penniless.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36How will it ever pay you back?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39With unsold copies of The History of Fishes?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41THEY SNIGGER
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Useful in winter, I suppose.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47"Good to read in front of an open log fire,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"agreed the popular diarist."
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Good to use, instead of the logs.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52HE SNIGGERS
0:08:55 > 0:08:57It's true.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Sir Isaac Newton, the man who discovered gravity,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02nearly didn't have his most important book published, at all,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05because of a big book about fish.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06I "squid" you not!
0:09:07 > 0:09:10All right, you come up with a better fishy pun, then!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"Mullet" over and let "minnow"!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Bam, bam!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33'Then come to the Sorby Research Institute
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and let me experiment on you!
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I'm Dr Kenneth Mellanby
0:09:38 > 0:09:41and here, in this ordinary suburban house in Sheffield,
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I'd like to give you a horrible parasitic infection,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48for which there is no known cure!
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Great.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Come on.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51Why not help us cure scabies?
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Scabies affects millions of soldiers and, by being a human guinea pig,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58you can help us cure it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Just wear some scabies-infested pants and uniform.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04And let the microscopic mites burrow into your skin.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06It's so itchy!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Isn't it just? Sadly, we haven't found a cure, yet.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12But don't worry, we promise we won't stop experimenting on you
0:10:12 > 0:10:15until we do.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Actually, that does feel a bit better.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Wow. Who'd have thought that all we had to do was paint you
0:10:19 > 0:10:22from head to toe in benzyl benzoate?
0:10:22 > 0:10:25But don't worry, the suffering doesn't end there.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29You'll really work up a thirst with our water deprivation programme.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Open wide!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Mmm, or see how long you can go without taking Vitamin C!
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Not for you!
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And if you're feeling really brave, you can take the malaria challenge.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42All our boys out in Africa have it.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Now, you can, too!
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Oh, and possibly help us find a cure. Probably not.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49The Sorby Research Institute,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51where the only person you'll hurt
0:10:51 > 0:10:53is yourself!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Is it too late to sign up for battle?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56You'll never pass the medical.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Yeah.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59To win World War II, everybody did their bit.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02And when I say "everybody", I mean everybody.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Even Princess Elizabeth, you know,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07the one who went on to be Queen Elizabeth II.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09That's the spirit!
0:11:09 > 0:11:13# Each army mechanic has to go to school
0:11:13 > 0:11:16# There's a war on, ladies Learn to use a tool!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18# All our figures have to be first class
0:11:18 > 0:11:20# And one is royal blue!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23# The young princess who's changing this tyre is future Queen Liz II! #
0:11:23 > 0:11:25One's gloves are ruined.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27# You can't get quicker than a Queen-fit fitter! #
0:11:27 > 0:11:29One's the one to trust!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31# At Queen-fit fitters we get the job done!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33# We'll fix your truck right away.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35# Whatever you need you can count on one.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37# Princess Elizabeth rules OK! #
0:11:37 > 0:11:38One doesn't rule yet.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40# You can't get quicker than a Queen-fit fitter!
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# You can't get posher than a Queen-fit fitter!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43# You can't get better than a Queen-fit fitter! #
0:11:43 > 0:11:45One's the one to trust!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50When Queen Elizabeth II was a young Princess,
0:11:50 > 0:11:53she worked as a mechanic and ambulance driver.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Yeah! Less 999 and more "one, one, one".
0:12:03 > 0:12:07We Spartans got into a lot of trouble, if we were ever cowardly.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And a sure sign of being a coward was to throw away your shield.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Go, Sparta!
0:12:15 > 0:12:16- Altheus.- Oh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18You're still alive, you old dog!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21No Persian soldier is going to get the better of me!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I didn't think for a mo... Where's your shield?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25What?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Erm, well, I certainly did not throw it away, so I could run away
0:12:29 > 0:12:31from a Persian soldier and I resent you even suggesting it.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I didn't.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Right. Well, anyway, I didn't throw it down and,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and run away like a coward, no, no.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Not me.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39- I should hope not.- Good.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You're shield doesn't just protect you,
0:12:41 > 0:12:43it protects the Spartan beside you in the phalanx.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46To lose your shield is to put their lives at risk.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Every Spartan should return from battle
0:12:48 > 0:12:52either holding his shield or be carried home dead upon it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Yeah.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54So, tell me, Altheus.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56How exactly did you lose your shield?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Well, it, er, it would take quite a long time to explain.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- I've got time.- Of course you have.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Er, well, it's quite complicated actually, er, I'll tell you what,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08why don't you lend me your shield and I can show you what happened?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Yeah? OK.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Right. Well, erm, er...
0:13:12 > 0:13:14HE LAUGHS
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Hey! Hey!
0:13:18 > 0:13:19Oh, you think you know someone...!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Everything all right..? Where's your shield?!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Well, it's just that...
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I'll tell you what, lend me your shield and I'll show you.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Yeah, all right.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30You're it!
0:13:30 > 0:13:31HE LAUGHS
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Oh, you... You're kidding me!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Spartan mothers used to say to their sons,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41"Come back with your shield, or upon it."
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Basically, they meant, come back victorious or come back dead.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48"Thank, Mum, I'll miss you, too."
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Yes, the Spartan women were just as tough as the men.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Who wants to play with that doll
0:13:55 > 0:13:58when you can play with new Spartan Girl?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Yes, now available in her adorable wedding outfit.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03A shaved head and men's clothes.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Spartan Girl takes part in all sorts of exciting activities
0:14:07 > 0:14:08alongside the boys.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Each with a fabulous outfit. There's gymnastics...
0:14:11 > 0:14:12With no clothes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Wrestling...- Still no clothes.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Races...- Yes, you've guessed it!
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Can I dress her up?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21No! Spartan Girl doesn't wear clothes while she's training.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24But she does have all her Spartan girlie accessories.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Hooray!
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Sword, javelin, hunting knife and a Chihuahua in a handbag.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Hooray!
0:14:30 > 0:14:31- No, not the last one.- Oh!
0:14:31 > 0:14:34And also available...Spartan Baby.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Oh, you're so cute!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38But make sure they're strong and fit or else they're left
0:14:38 > 0:14:39on a mountainside to die.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Mountainside not included!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Spartan Girl and all-new Spartan Baby available now.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Can I have my pretty dolly back?
0:14:47 > 0:14:48No. SHE SOBS
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Do you want to be left out on a mountainside?
0:14:51 > 0:14:53That's better.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03A locked door, a prison cell and a desperate prisoner,
0:15:03 > 0:15:05hellbent on breaking out.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07That can only mean one thing...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10You're watching History's Greatest Escapes.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I'm Gary Chubb and I've come all the way
0:15:15 > 0:15:21to the year 1716 in the Georgian era, to witness an escape so audacious...
0:15:21 > 0:15:23SNORING ..so dramatic, so breathtaking...
0:15:23 > 0:15:25Sorry, can we wake him up, please?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29It's just completely going against what I'm doing.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Know what I mean?
0:15:33 > 0:15:34So, Lord Nithsdale.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38Tell us how you ended up imprisoned here in the Tower Of London?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- AFFECTS SCOTTISH ACCENT:- I was involved in the Jacobite Risings,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44trying to return the Stuart bloodline to the English throne.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46But I was captured and King George,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49who is really touchy about people trying to kill him,
0:15:49 > 0:15:50threw me in the Tower.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- I'm due to be executed tomorrow.- So, what are we thinking, escape-wise?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55A frontal assault on the guards,
0:15:55 > 0:16:00levering out the window bars or the classic tunnel under the wall thing?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03None of the above. This is the Tower Of London.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05- Escape's impossible.- Right.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Yeah, it's just, um, someone from our show spoke to your wife
0:16:08 > 0:16:11and she assured us there'd be an exciting escape attempt.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Also, I've cut short a holiday in France for this.
0:16:15 > 0:16:16You've got five minutes.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Darling!- Snookums!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Sorry, I'm Winifred, his wife.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Oh, right, so the escape attempt's still on, yeah?
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Oh, yes.- Great, so what we thinking?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Blow down this wall and let loose your secret ninjas
0:16:32 > 0:16:35on the panicked guards, while you two leap 200 feet
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- into the icy river below, yeah?- No, I'm dressing him as a woman.- Right.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43There is a show called World's Stupidest Escapes.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- I can give you their number, if you like.- Ladies, get to work.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48You see, I told the guards that my friends and I wanted
0:16:48 > 0:16:50to come and say goodbye to my husband,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52banking on them not counting
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- how many of us came into the cell. - Ow! Corset.- We dress him as a woman,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58then we sneak him out in the middle of the group,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59like he's one of the girls.
0:17:01 > 0:17:06- You look lovely, snookums. - I look ridiculous.- Watch this.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10SHE KNOCKS THE DOOR
0:17:13 > 0:17:15(See you later.)
0:17:19 > 0:17:22All right, so... your husband's clear of the Tower,
0:17:22 > 0:17:23but how are YOU going to get out?
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- Easy.- LOW-PITCHED VOICE:- Er, anyway, I think I need to be alone now,
0:17:28 > 0:17:30so I can do a nice wee pray.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- HIGH-PITCHED:- I understand completely, my lover.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Erm, see you in the next life, bye.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39SHE KNOCKS
0:17:45 > 0:17:47We've said our goodbyes, but I beg you,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50please don't disturb my husband's final prayers.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Yes, of course, Countess Nithsdale.- Thanks.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Wow!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Well, it didn't sound like much of a plan,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00but what an escape that was.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Next time on History's Greatest Escapes,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I'll be in the Middle Ages with Matilda,
0:18:09 > 0:18:10daughter of Henry I,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14who'll be trying to escape from Oxford Castle in a snowstorm
0:18:14 > 0:18:16by wearing nothing but white.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Yeah, pretty cool. I'll see you, then,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22If I can work out how to get out of this Tower.
0:18:22 > 0:18:23No probs.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26KNOCKING AT DOOR Excuse me, can you let me out please?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Shut up, Nithsdale. - No, I'm not Nithsdale.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Yeah, right. Do you think we're all stupid or something?
0:18:31 > 0:18:32I'm from the television!
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Can you let me out, please? I'm from the television!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06They were captured and eventually executed.
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Tudor Wildlife Magazine,
0:19:13 > 0:19:18it's the new must-have magazine for all animal and bird enthusiasts.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22If you love wildlife, you'll love Tudor Wildlife Magazine.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Become an expert in how and where to spot
0:19:24 > 0:19:26all the fantastic animals living in the Tudor countryside
0:19:26 > 0:19:29and learn how much you'll be paid to kill them.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Excuse me? Paid to kill them?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36That's right, thanks to my most excellent new law -
0:19:36 > 0:19:38The Preservation Of Grain Act.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41All these animals are now categorised as vermin,
0:19:41 > 0:19:42so you'll be paid a bounty
0:19:42 > 0:19:45for each and every one that you kill.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48In issue one, we've got a list
0:19:48 > 0:19:50of how much you'll get for each dead creature,
0:19:50 > 0:19:54from the red kite at 1 pence, to the badger, at an incredible 12 pence.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Hold on, hold on. Your Majesty,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57why do you want to kill all these animals?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Because of the poor harvests and the shortage of food.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Every man, woman and child
0:20:02 > 0:20:04has to kill as many of these vermin as possible,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06to stop them eating your crops.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Well, red kites don't eat crops. Don't they eat the real vermin -
0:20:09 > 0:20:11the mice and the rats that do eat the crops?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- Are you calling me stupid?- No.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Because I can have you put on the official vermin list, you know.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Buy issue one on the red kite
0:20:18 > 0:20:21and get issue two, on the hedgehog, absolutely free!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Plus, find out how hedgehogs suck milk from cow's udders at night.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26It's true!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29It's a well-known Tudor fact. Yeah, little horrors.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Oh, there's one now.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Come here, you spiky little milk thief! Yeah, yeah.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Tudor Wildlife Magazine, buy it now, while species last.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Price - 4 pence or one squashed hedgehog.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Those poor animals, such a terrible waste of life.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47But they weren't the only stupid deaths in Tudor times.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths
0:20:52 > 0:20:55# They're funny Cos they're true, woo!
0:20:55 > 0:20:57# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths
0:20:57 > 0:21:00# Hope next time it's not you! Ha-hee! #
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Oh! Oh, you've got something on your chin there.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09Oh, it's a beard! Sorry, looks totally stupid. Suits you.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Next.
0:21:10 > 0:21:15Whoa, hold the sausage, now that's a beard, that is a beard.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Tell me it's not fake.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Of course not, it's my pride and joy.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Almost one and a half metres long.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Wowsers, and you are?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Hans Steininger.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"Weirdy beardy."
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Do you mind? I'm very proud of my beard.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Oh, sorry, sorry, how very rude of me.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Now, I'm trying to place your accent.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Where are you from? Is it Weirdy Beardy Land?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38I'm from Austria!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41All right, all right, keep your facial hair on.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Come on then, tell us your stupid death.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Well, there was a huge fire in my home town
0:21:46 > 0:21:49and I had to run for my life.
0:21:49 > 0:21:54Now, normally when I run I roll my beard up into a ball, like this.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56And then hop, I hop along.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00- Uh-huh.- But as the flames licked around me, I panicked and ran.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04And you forgot to roll your beard up!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Exactly, I tripped over my beard and broke my neck.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- That wasn't a close shave.- Ja.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17- Because you died and... and you have a beard and...- Ja.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Anyway, you're through to the afterlife. Oh-ho! Wonderful.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Don't forget to roll your beard up! - Thank you.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28You're welcome. You better stop growing that now.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Might be the death of you.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31You can talk.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Zing, zing, zing, zing. I'm on fire.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Next!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Stupid deaths Stupid deaths
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# Hope next time it's not you, hoo-hoo! #
0:22:45 > 0:22:47In the Hundred Years War,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50we French were getting a real pasting from the English,
0:22:50 > 0:22:52but you won't believe who came to our rescue.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Oh, wow, congratulations, huh?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Not! Because that was a joke, because it was awful.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01They call it the Hundred Years War,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03it feels like the Thousand Years War.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06The English, they beat us again.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08So, I am Le Dauphin, I am heir to the throne of France,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11so I have decided we need a new manager.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14We need someone to come in with new ideas,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16ideas that come straight from God.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- That sounds like exactly what we need.- Oh, yah, yah.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Soldiers of France, I give you your new leader -
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Joan Of Arc.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Pardon?- Hiya.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28This is going to be so amazing,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30cos I told Raquel I was going to be in charge of the army
0:23:30 > 0:23:32and she was like, "No way".
0:23:32 > 0:23:34But I said God told me to and everything.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35She was like, "whatever".
0:23:35 > 0:23:38So she's going to be so jealous when I tell her, actually.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Pardon, Monsieur, who is this little girl?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Er, I'm not little, actually. I'm 4 foot 10,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45which is quite tall for my age.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Anyway I'd rather be a bit short, than stinky, like you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51She's, er, a little bit, er, annoying, er...
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I'm not taking that from a dolphin.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56It is Dauphin. It means prince. I am heir to the throne of France.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58It also means dolphin.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00She told me that God speaks to her,
0:24:00 > 0:24:01to tell her to help win
0:24:01 > 0:24:04some of the battles, so now we give her a chance.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06But what does she know about war?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Jean-Claudsey, I want you up front with your crossbow men.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Gerard, you're on the right wing.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I want the cavalry in wedge formation, destriers only.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Actually, she's quite good.- Ah, oui.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17I'll be leading from the front.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Last one to kill an Englishman smells of poo!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- But still really annoying.- Allez-y!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25CHEERING
0:24:25 > 0:24:29It's true, Joan Of Arc really was an ordinary teenage girl,
0:24:29 > 0:24:33who turned the French army from loser to winners.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37So, if you've got a big sister, do be nice to her,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40she might end up commanding an army.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Yes, Joan's story really was a remarkable one.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47# OK!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49# Pamplemousse?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53# Baguette and Brie
0:24:53 > 0:24:54# Are you ready?
0:24:56 > 0:24:58# I'm Joan of Arc, from Domremy
0:24:58 > 0:25:01# Religious visions came to me
0:25:01 > 0:25:03# God said Save France from the English
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# And make Dauphin Charles king
0:25:06 > 0:25:09# Dauphin means heir to the throne
0:25:09 > 0:25:11# But England claimed the crown as their own
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# We'd had 100 years of war
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# This girl had to do something
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# So I did it like a dude Cut my hair
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# Gave up wearing dresses Bought a pair
0:25:22 > 0:25:24# Of trousers No blouses
0:25:24 > 0:25:26# Said I want to fight Angleterre!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# Charles let me join the army, army, army
0:25:28 > 0:25:31# Though that might sound barmy, barmy, barmy
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# I proved impressive
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# Hit by an arrow and lived
0:25:37 > 0:25:39# English troops I over ranny, ranny, ranny
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# Defeated them at Patay, Patay, Patay
0:25:42 > 0:25:44# We saved Orleans
0:25:44 > 0:25:47# And Charles was crowned, tres bon
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# Me, leading troops - a long shot
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# But I was a lucky mascot
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# Inspired soldiers with bravery
0:25:57 > 0:26:00# Fought injured and survived
0:26:00 > 0:26:02# But, in 1430
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# Burgundians captured me
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# King Charles wouldn't pay my ransom
0:26:07 > 0:26:10# No-one told me why
0:26:10 > 0:26:15# Being prisoner was not my style Tried escaping from my captors vile
0:26:15 > 0:26:18# But then the English who'd fought me bought me
0:26:18 > 0:26:19# Made me stand trial
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# So, where was King Charlie Charlie, Charlie?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# He'd given up and left me Left me, left me
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# In the English snare
0:26:27 > 0:26:29# Whole thing so unfair
0:26:29 > 0:26:33# Said put me in a...uh-huh N-nunnery
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# They said don't be...uh-uh F-funnery
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# If you dress like a male
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# We'll put you in men's jail... #
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Joan of Arc, you're charged with sorcery.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46You're just jealous, cos God speaks to me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48You say you speak to saints.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51In this discourse, what language do they speak?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52French, of course!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Pah! Now you're in prison, they have failed yer.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I say it's God's plan that you're my jailer!
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Here's a trick question in that case,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03do you think that you are in God's grace?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06If I am not, may God put me there.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08And if I am, may God so keep me.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Oh, your smart remarks go round the houses.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14You're guilty of heresy and wearing men's trousers.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16# Despite my testi-mony, mony, mony
0:27:16 > 0:27:19# Condemned for reasons Phoney, phoney, phoney
0:27:19 > 0:27:22# But my will did not break
0:27:22 > 0:27:25# So, they tied me to a stake
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# Burned alive was my destiny, tiny, tiny
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# And here is the irony, rony, rony
0:27:31 > 0:27:33# My death led France to put on war paint
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# And crush the English So, now I'm a saint. #
0:27:39 > 0:27:42# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# The ugly truth... #
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Then go to the CBBC Website
0:27:47 > 0:27:50and click on the link. See you there.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53# The past is no longer a mystery
0:27:53 > 0:27:58# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #