0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat
0:00:22 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Terrible Tudors.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Elizabeth I was as frightening as she was powerful.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44So at the royal court you had to be careful what you said
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and what you did.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49The Earl of Oxford, Edward De Vere.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52My Queen, I am as ever at your service.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53HE FARTS
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Did what I think just happened, just happen?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Yes, I rather fear it did, Your Majesty.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Your Majesty, I don't know what to say.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Cecil, what is the punishment for passing wind in front of the Queen?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08We don't have one, Your Majesty,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10no-one has ever dared do such a thing before.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Or if they have,
0:01:12 > 0:01:16they've had least had the decency to cover it up with a well timed cough.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Couldn't we just pretend that this never happened?
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Oh, would that we could, De Vere, would that we could.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26If memory serves, Your Majesty, you did once banish your godson,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28John Harrington, from court for a rude joke.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31And for how long did I banish him?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Six years.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36And would you say passing wind was better or worse than a rude joke?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Well, surely that would depend on the rudeness of the joke
0:01:39 > 0:01:41and the stinkiness of the far...
0:01:41 > 0:01:45We've had quite enough of you, De Vere, from both ends.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I would say that passing wind in front or Your Majesty
0:01:48 > 0:01:51was definitely worse by at least a year.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52And so would I.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Before you banish me, Your Majesty, I will do the gentlemanly thing
0:01:55 > 0:01:58and banish myself from court for seven years.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Thus saving a shred of my dignity and honour.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Your Majesty, I am as ever your humble servant.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Oh, do not bow, I dread to think what may happen.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Now, off you go and mind you clench your but-tocks.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13It is for the best, Your Majesty.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16HE FARTS
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That was the chair, Your Majesty. The chair.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21A likely story. Ugh!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23HE LAUGHS
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Some people think that Shakespeare didn't write his plays
0:02:26 > 0:02:30and that they were actually written by Edward De Vere.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32That's right, windy De Vere.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What would his plays have been called?
0:02:35 > 0:02:40Henry IV Fart Two, Much Ado about Trumping?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Romeo and Windybum?
0:02:44 > 0:02:48And there were some stupid goings on at the royal court
0:02:48 > 0:02:50in France as well.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths
0:02:55 > 0:02:57# They're funny cos they're true
0:02:57 > 0:03:01# Whoo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Hee hee!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06What do you think? I made them for you out of ping pong balls.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10All right, keep your hair on. Happen to think they suit you.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Next!
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Name?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Diane De Poitiers.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Occupation?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19How dare you insult me! I do not need an occupation.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Oh, am I treading on eggshells today or what?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Sorry, Diane, what do you do with your time, love?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I am a French noblewoman
0:03:27 > 0:03:30and the girlfriend of King Henry II of France.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33And you, stop staring at me or I will have you flogged.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Oh, let me sort that for you.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41Right, everybody happy now? Then let's continue.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43To get noticed at the king's court in France
0:03:43 > 0:03:45one has to look one's best.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46I can imagine.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51I have my own special method to keep myself looking so youthful.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Which was?- Gold leaf.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- Oh, you wore it? - Oh, no, no, I ate it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Sorry, you ate it?
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Oui, I had a spoonful of gold leaf every day for years.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02And what happened?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I died of heavy metal poisoning.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06HE LAUGHS
0:04:06 > 0:04:10That's brilliant, Diane, you're through to the afterlife.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Oh, hey, let's hope they don't play any heavy metal music there.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16Stupid man.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18That was a good one, I thought. What did you think?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Comedy gold? Phew, don't get it.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Yes, I do.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I was going to say that, in fact I will. Comedy gold.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Whatever!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Hoo-hoo.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Vicious Vikings.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- HE SHOUTS:- Hi, I'm a shouty man
0:04:41 > 0:04:44and I'm here to tell you about the new Runic Alphabet.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47The easy-to-carve writing system that's taking
0:04:47 > 0:04:48the Viking world by storm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Do you have a bad memory?
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Or perhaps you have a bad memory.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Or maybe you even have a bad memory.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Then the old Viking system of learning things off by heart
0:04:58 > 0:05:00is not for you. But don't worry!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Help is at hand with the sensational new runic alphabet.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07The simple angular letters can be quickly carved into any wall,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10rock or twig, making writing things down
0:05:10 > 0:05:12the new not writing things down.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Yes! Using new Viking runes means that this simple stick can be
0:05:15 > 0:05:17turned into... A prayer to the gods.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19A personal message. A business letter.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Or an expression of affection.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Thank you, Joan, I feel a bit the same way.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28And when you're finished it makes an excellent dog toy.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29DOG BARKS
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Fetch, boy!
0:05:30 > 0:05:31And that's not all.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The new runic alphabet
0:05:33 > 0:05:37was discovered by the Viking god Odin, so it has mystical powers.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42Simply carve healing charms into a whale bone to help heal the sick.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Now read that four times a day. That's Shouty Man Junior.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49And why not let people know where you've been with some good
0:05:49 > 0:05:51old Viking runic graffiti?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"Olaf was here."
0:05:53 > 0:05:57To be honest, I think they already knew you were here, mate.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59So order new runic alphabet today
0:05:59 > 0:06:01because the writing's on the wall,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03for not writing on the wall!
0:06:03 > 0:06:08We Vikings used to write runes on stones called, wait for it,
0:06:08 > 0:06:09rune stones.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Some tell of how we embraced a new religion.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16May I help you, sir?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Yeah, I'm looking for something for my wife.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Oh, very nice too, sir. And what did you have in mind?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Well, she's quite religious, so I was thinking some sort of amulet.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Ah, I have the very thing.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29How about this delightful Thor's Hammer amulet,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33cast in solid silver from this handcrafted soapstone mould?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36It's the ideal way to honour the Norse god of Thunder.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Ah, actually, my wife and I don't worship the Norse gods any more,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41we've converted to Christianity.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I see, well, in that case
0:06:44 > 0:06:45I highly recommend...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50..this Christian crucifix amulet,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53cast in solid silver from this handcrafted soapstone mould.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57It's the ideal way to honour your Christian God, Father and Son.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Come off it, that's just the hammer one the other way up.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It's been clearly cast from exactly the same mould.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04Oh, no, no, not at all, sir.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08For as you can see, the Thor's Hammer amulet is mould number 66.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And the crucifix one...
0:07:13 > 0:07:15..is mould number 99.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18I see, well that's my mistake then. I'll take the crucifix one, please.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20That'll be nine silver clippings, sir.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25There you go. Thank you very much.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Oh, er, wait a minute, sir. I said nine and this is only a six.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Turn it up the other way.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34It's true!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Archaeologists have found a mould that made both pagan
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Thor Hammers and Christian crucifixes, so the devious
0:07:41 > 0:07:45merchant could use the one mould for both pagans and Christians.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Actually I have some cheese with mould in the shape of a cross.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Hm, or is it Thor's Hammer? Hm...
0:08:01 > 0:08:05You're watching HH TV sport bringing you exclusive live sporting
0:08:05 > 0:08:06events from the past.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Today is football, and time to go over to the 1950s
0:08:10 > 0:08:15to join our reporter, who's about to meet a very special player.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I've come to 1951, where I'm here to interview the greatest
0:08:18 > 0:08:21English football striker of all time.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Er...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Sorry, do you mind moving along, please, love?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28I'm here to interview the all-time greatest English football striker.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Well, you're looking at her.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32HE LAUGHS
0:08:32 > 0:08:34What, really?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yeah. My name's Lily Parr.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I scored over 900 goals in my career.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42I scored 43 goals in me first season and I were only 14 at the time.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Wow, that's impressive.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48In 1920, 53,000 people turned up at a ladies' match at Goodison Park
0:08:48 > 0:08:50and I was star attraction.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Well, shall we...shall we carry on the interview?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Let's do this, OK. So, Lily, tell us how did your career start?
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Well, when all the men went off to fight in First World War,
0:08:59 > 0:09:03women's football came right popular. I worked at a munitions factory
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and I played for the ladies' football team.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07We used to draw huge crowds.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11I see, but when the war ended and the men came back,
0:09:11 > 0:09:14I imagine everyone went back to watching men's football?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16No. No, you see the ladies' game was still really popular,
0:09:16 > 0:09:21so popular, in fact, that in 1921 the Football Association
0:09:21 > 0:09:24got nervous that we were threatening the male game,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27so they banned women from playing at official league grounds.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Oh, that is a shame, isn't it?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33But let's be honest, men are better at football than women, aren't they?
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Listen, mate, I've played against men at exhibition matches
0:09:37 > 0:09:39and I'm telling you now, I've got harder shot than any of them.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- I don't think so. - I do think so.- Well, I don't.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46This is Tony Codger reporting for HH TV News.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Oh! She's not wrong, she's got a kick like a flipping mule. Oh!
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Lily was a great role model for young footballers,
0:09:55 > 0:09:59but not that great, because she used to smoke lots of cigarettes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Silly Lily.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Time now for a fanfare to introduce our next popular performer.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07HE FARTS
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Le Petomane.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- FRENCH ACCENT:- The DVD the early 20th century has been waiting for.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Joseph Pujol's explosive act
0:10:17 > 0:10:20that's been selling out the Moulin Rouge Cabaret in Paris.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Just wait until you hear which instrument he's playing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24LOUD FARTING
0:10:24 > 0:10:27CRIES OF DISGUST
0:10:27 > 0:10:31It's Le Petomane's windy performance on the pump cannon,
0:10:31 > 0:10:35live at the Moulin Rouge Cabaret club in Paris.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Every performance is a blast.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40The show always goes down a storm, even with royalty in the audience.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Don't miss his famous farmyard impressions.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45# With a... FARTING AND BAAING
0:10:45 > 0:10:47# And a... FARTING AND BAAING
0:10:47 > 0:10:48# Here a...there a...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50# Everywhere a... FARTING AND BAAING
0:10:50 > 0:10:53# Old Macdonald had a farm E-I-E-I
0:10:53 > 0:10:55LOUD FART # Ohhh! #
0:10:55 > 0:10:58His sell-out show is now touring the biggest theatres in Europe.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Merci, thank you and good night. PARP
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Available now on DVD. The actor that everyone's gassing about.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18One of our great Georgian inventors was George Stephenson.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21He wanted to build a network of railways for his locomotive.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25But first he had to persuade some powerful politicians,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28including the Duke of Wellington.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Confound it, the man is late.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34Nobody keeps the Duke of Wellington waiting, least of all this idiot.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Mr Stephenson, you're late.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- GEORDIE ACCENT:- I wouldn't if I'd been able to travel to London
0:11:39 > 0:11:41by train, like.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I've never heard anything so ridiculous.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Yes, his northern accent is somewhat amusing.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I meant the idea of travelling by train.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Er, yes of course, quite ridiculous.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Well, locomotives are the future.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Poppycock.- Wellington, we did say we would give Mr Stephenson a fair
0:11:56 > 0:11:59hearing before deciding on the fate of his so-called railways.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- Indeed we did.- My railway system's totally going to change...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Permission denied, I've heard enough. Locomotives haring up
0:12:06 > 0:12:09and down the countryside. You'll terrify the cows.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11It will probably make their milk curdle.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13If it doesn't just make them die
0:12:13 > 0:12:15of shock. Right, Sir Robert?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- SLURRING:- Eh...? It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Well put, sir.- Ach, away, man,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24the locomotives are going to revolutionise transport.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27People are going to be able to get up to speeds of 20 miles per hour!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Can a human even survive at such speeds?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Their eyes would get sucked from their skulls.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35A man on horseback can go at twice that speed.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Then they'll be shaken silly by the vibrations.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41No, my railway system's totally safe.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45It'll give ordinary folk the freedom to go quickly round the country.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48How will we keep the poor people
0:12:48 > 0:12:50in their place? Eh? Eh?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51It's a disgrace,
0:12:51 > 0:12:52an absolute disgrace.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Well put, that man. And criminals will be able to escape from the law.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That's if they don't die going 20 miles an hour(!)
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Precisely.- Wellington does make a strong case, I'm afraid.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06And there is nothing you can possibly say to convince us.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Your railways will never be built.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Do you have anything else to add before I Wellington boot you out?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15My railway system's going to be phenomenally popular, right?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19So if you invest in my company you'll make train loads of cash.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Your railway sounds like a marvellous idea!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- I've always been in favour. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Ignore him! He doesn't know what he's saying. Go back to sleep.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35HE MURMURS A LULLABY
0:13:35 > 0:13:38There were lots of objections to Stephenson's railway proposals,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41which meant the trains were delayed.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45The trains were delayed! You mean like they always are?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Anyway, there were a number of transport pioneers who really
0:13:49 > 0:13:51changed the way we get around.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54With imagination.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Inspiration.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Innovation.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03And perspiration.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07ALL: We revolutionised transportation!
0:14:08 > 0:14:12# Stephenson's the name and my steam engine's the best you will find
0:14:12 > 0:14:14# It was the Rocket, it was called the Rocket
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# It pulled a train to carry passengers
0:14:16 > 0:14:18# And was the first of its kind
0:14:18 > 0:14:20# Caused a commotion doing the locomotion
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# Was best by miles and won top prize
0:14:23 > 0:14:27# At the Rainhill Trials
0:14:27 > 0:14:30# The Lords said it was dangerous then saw how many tickets could sell
0:14:30 > 0:14:32# The toffs were off it till they saw a profit
0:14:32 > 0:14:35# And so he paved the way for me I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# An engineer and famous pioneer
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# Railways off pat A massive hat
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# And to top that ...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# I was a tunnel-building bridge-creating, hard-grafting
0:14:47 > 0:14:51# Ship-crafting polymath in search of a way
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# To take my train through my tunnel 'cross my bridge to my ship
0:14:54 > 0:14:56# And sail me fastest to the USA
0:14:56 > 0:15:02# My steam ship it made the trip in just 14 days
0:15:02 > 0:15:06# There across the ocean was clever old me, I'm quite a star
0:15:06 > 0:15:08# He's Henry Ford, yes, that's what he's called
0:15:08 > 0:15:12# My assembly line's the first to make it cheap to buy a motor car
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# From Henry Ford cars you can afford
0:15:15 > 0:15:20# I think you'll find made just one kind, but never mind
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# I was the fastest rating car creating
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# Introducing mass producing original Model T guy
0:15:26 > 0:15:29BOTH: # We took his engine, a bird wing some bike skills
0:15:29 > 0:15:33# Worked until we found out how machines could fly
0:15:33 > 0:15:38# Not just a hop, but nonstop Going to get high, high, high
0:15:38 > 0:15:41# I'm Orville, was the brains The brawn, my brother Wilbur Wright
0:15:41 > 0:15:45# We refined the plane that made the first sustained flight
0:15:45 > 0:15:46- # Our engine small - But powerful
0:15:46 > 0:15:50ALL: # Propelled to a great height!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05# They were supreme, our mean machines
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# The stuff of dreams
0:16:08 > 0:16:12# We were creative, inventive progress our incentive
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# Always searching for a solution
0:16:14 > 0:16:18# We took some steel and a wheel Made a plane, car and train
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# And created a revolution
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# Hard to believe what we achieved
0:16:23 > 0:16:27# Looking back we helped change tack
0:16:27 > 0:16:29BOTH: # Transport was duller We added colour. #
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Well, as long as it's black.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Your Lordship, the siege has been long and hard.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49For five months now your army has battered these walls
0:16:49 > 0:16:51and starved the inhabitants.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54We have never faced such a fearsome, valiant foe.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Let us offer them terms. You there, noble enemy.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Who is it?
0:17:00 > 0:17:06Ahem! It is I, Earl Salisbury, your foe in this siege.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10Oh, is there a siege on? I hadn't noticed.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13All right, cut it out, Black Agnes, Countess of Moray.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15There is no shame in surrender.
0:17:15 > 0:17:20Open your gates and you and your people will leave without harm.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Thanks for the offer, but I dinnae think I'll bother.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I admire your spirit, Black Agnes,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29but your husband has taken your soldiers off to war.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Look at the damage my catapults have done to your wall.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Aye, I've been meaning to speak to you about that.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39It's making it awful dusty up here.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Morag, you've missed a bit.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44The crazy woman's dusting the walls now.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48I don't think you've quite got a handle on how badly you're losing.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52We cut off your food supply five months ago. You must be starving!
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Aye, you know I haven't eaten since elevenses.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Och, did I not mention our secret entrance?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02We're been getting fresh food in here all the time.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05There's plenty to go round if you'd like some.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I've had enough of this, send in the battering ram.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11MEN ROAR
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Thanks for the big stones.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17This has gone on long enough. It ends now.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I have your brother. Oh, yes, sir.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Surrender your castle or I will kill him at dawn.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29Could you do it now? I'd sorely love to inherit his money and lands.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Much appreciated.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Right, we're going home.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36A full army besieging a virtually defenceless lady
0:18:36 > 0:18:38and we can't take the castle in five months.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42If anyone asks, we've been on a walking holiday in the Highlands.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Oh, and don't forget your packed lunch.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Hey, now. Rude.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11Douglas and his men wore cow skins to get close to the castle
0:19:11 > 0:19:15without being seen. And then overpowered the English garrison.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Between World War I and World War II, Germany suffered from
0:19:23 > 0:19:29hyperinflation - which is when money loses its value very, very quickly.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Carry on.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Wilkommen back to Who Wants To Be A German Millionaire?.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Before the break we asked Heinrich here,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43why is the German economy in so much trouble?
0:19:43 > 0:19:48He answered C: Because Germany has to pay massive compensation costs
0:19:48 > 0:19:52to the Allied forces who won the war.
0:19:52 > 0:19:53The answer is...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57C!
0:19:57 > 0:19:58Congratulations, Heinrich.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03- Danke. - You've won 64 million German Marks.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Unfortunately, due to the state of the German economy
0:20:07 > 0:20:10that's probably only enough to buy you a wheelbarrow.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I will need to buy a wheelbarrow just to carry that much cash.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Well, we don't want to give you that. We want to give you this.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21128 million German Marks.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That's enough cash to buy you a wheelbarrow.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29But you just said I could get a wheelbarrow for 64 million Marks.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Unfortunately the German economy is in such a bad way,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36that prices for everything are rising very, very quickly.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40In fact I'm just hearing in my ears that from now on,
0:20:40 > 0:20:45one German Mark will now be worth 1,000 German Marks,
0:20:45 > 0:20:51so you're actually playing for 128 billion German Marks.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- And what can I buy for that? - Wheelbarrow!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Thanks. - Next question.
0:20:55 > 0:21:03By November 1st 1923, how much will a loaf of bread cost?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06D: 3 billion Marks.
0:21:06 > 0:21:083 billion Marks for a loaf of bread?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- Yeah.- Are you sure?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Yeah.- Final answer? - Yeah, get on with it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Herr Heinrich, I can tell you the answer is...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21..D: 3 billion Marks.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26You have won yourself 128 billion, no, trillion Marks.
0:21:26 > 0:21:27I miscounted the noughts.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29How will you spend your winnings?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- I'm buying a wheelbarrow. - You can't afford one.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I hate this show, I should have gone on Deal Or Nein Deal.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Imagine that, the money in your pocket becoming worthless overnight.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44An angry German public started to support Adolf Hitler's
0:21:44 > 0:21:48Nazi Party, and the rest, as they say, is history.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51When the American GIs joined World War II,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54they certainly liked to flash their cash around.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58This month in Gals' Magazine, we're going Yankee crazy.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Yes the Americans have joined the war.- That's right, boy.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Now their gorgeous GIs are here and they're here to stay.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Well, for a bit anyway, until they get sent to the front line.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11- In this week's issue, we compare an average British squaddie...- Hello!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- ..with the average American GI. - Howdy.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17Check out that slicked-back hair, that deep tan and those great teeth.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19GIs have to brush their teeth every day.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I don't brush every day, there's nothing wrong with my teeth.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And there's more - we look at all the latest trends
0:22:25 > 0:22:27they're bringing from across the Atlantic.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29You really can dance!
0:22:29 > 0:22:33What's that funny thing you're doing with your mouth?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I'm chewing gum.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Chewing gum. Wow, he's so classy.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Plus, don't miss our handy guide to speaking American.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Look, Beryl, I can dance good too.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46OK.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48What's that supposed to mean?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51It's kind of like your English, right-ho.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- That'll never catch on. - HE BURPS
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Plus every GI comes with free gifts.
0:22:56 > 0:23:01Nylons. Wow. No more stockings made out of gravy for me.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Get off!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Yes, you can no longer get nylons in the shops here,
0:23:06 > 0:23:07but the Americans have bought loads.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- We got lots of chocolate too. - Oh, you just get better.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14All that and more. Well, actually, not more, but all that.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Only in this month's Gals' Magazine.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19And, better still, Gals' Magazine is absolutely free
0:23:19 > 0:23:24- because a rich GI will buy one for you.- Oh! He's so dreamy.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34When we Romans invaded Britain,
0:23:34 > 0:23:38we got all the way to Scotland, where the Caledonians fought back.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Well, as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43build a massive wall to keep them out.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Yes? - Oh, hello.- All right?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Er...hail, Emperor Trageon..?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54It's Emperor Hadrian now, Trageon's dead.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- Murdered? - No, natural causes.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Oh, well, that's nice.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01So, what can I do for you fellas then?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03It's more a case of what we can do for you today, sir.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Emperor Hadrian would like to build a brand-new wall on your land
0:24:07 > 0:24:09completely free of charge.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11I could do with a new wall.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13So it's going to be nice and big, this wall?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Three metres wide and six metres high.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Me sheep won't be jumping over that in a hurry, will they?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- HE LAUGHS - No, they won't.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25You see Emperor Hadrian wants a nice new defensive wall stretching
0:24:25 > 0:24:27right across the country from the Tyne to the Firth to mark
0:24:27 > 0:24:30the northern edge of the Roman Empire, since you ask.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Plus it'll help to keep out those awful Caledonians.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- Oi! I heard that.- Oh!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Get out of here.- Animals. We're calling it Hadrian's wall.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39A working title.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42So where exactly is it going to go, this wall?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Erm, right along here.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47That's right through the middle of my land.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49So it is.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Won't my house be in the way?
0:24:50 > 0:24:55- Not for long, it won't.- Hey, hey, hey, hey! No. I protest.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I'm not moving.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59As you like, mate.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01- Eh?- It saves us a stake, I suppose.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I don't believe this.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Did you know, Hadrian had his famous wall painted white
0:25:10 > 0:25:15so it would glisten majestically in the bright sunlight?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17He obviously didn't get up north much.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22The Roman General who first invaded Britain was Julius Caesar,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26and his is an interesting story.
0:25:30 > 0:25:36Ave, Gaius Julius Caesar, Dictator of Rome, Consort of Cleopatra,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38and conqueror of Gaul.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42In this room you're just a guy with a big nose and a plant on his head.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46OK, I would like to pitch the story of my rise
0:25:46 > 0:25:50to power, from the young adventurer who was kidnapped by pirates,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52to the General who invaded Britain,
0:25:52 > 0:25:57crushed the Gauls, crossed the Rubicon river, took control of Rome
0:25:57 > 0:26:02and forged it into the greatest empire the world had ever seen.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04OK, we're interested.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05In the pirates.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Well, pirates are very big right now. - Johnny Depp.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Ahoy, Captain Caesar, you got yourself a hit.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Who can play the talking parrot? - Sorry, what parrot?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- All pirates have a parrot. - It's in the contract.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Sorry, look, me being kidnapped by pirates was just a small
0:26:18 > 0:26:21part of the story, before I became the greatest General
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and statesman of the Roman age.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Yeah, you see what I just heard was "Pirates, blah, blah, blah, blah."
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Blah, blah, blah, blah.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- I conquered Spain.- Blah.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32- France.- Blah.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33- Egypt.- Blah.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35So are we making a pirate movie or are you going to walk
0:26:35 > 0:26:39the plank to the Roman province of Loserville?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41I was captured by pirates near Turkey.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43They wanted money for my return.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Pirates of the Mediterranean: Caesar's Gold.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49I was actually quite furious. Er, not because I'd been kidnapped,
0:26:49 > 0:26:51but because they asked for too little ransom.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- I told them to ask for more money. - It's a comedy.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55It was actually quite funny, you know.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Because despite being their prisoner,
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I actually ordered them around all the time.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I shouted and told them to stop being noisy when I was trying to sleep.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06That was hilar... Actually, in the end we became quite good friends.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Even better, it's a buddy, buddy movie with heart.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your Oscars - we got a hit!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15So anyway, in the end they paid the ransom,
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I returned home and then I hired a fleet of ships.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21So you wouldn't miss hanging out with your friends, the pirates,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23and that's our happy ending.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26No, no, no, no. So I could hunt them down and torture them to death.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Which I did. I killed them all.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Pretty brilliant twist, right?
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Yeah, the whole torturing to death thing,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- plays quite badly with families. - You may need an alternate ending.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- The talking parrot saves everyone and sings a song.- Works for me.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Big Nose, you came, you saw, you got yourself a movie deal.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Ahhh!
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Don't rest on your laurels.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- Eh? Oh! - That guy can rock a skirt.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04See you there.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:07 > 0:28:09# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd