0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Horrible Histories presents...
0:00:39 > 0:00:40MUSIC PLAYING
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Stop doing that!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43SINGING
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599
0:01:18 > 0:01:22and was raised as a strict Protestant, called a Puritan.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23He would go on to topple the king
0:01:23 > 0:01:26and become leader of the country himself.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28But when he first started out as a Member of Parliament
0:01:28 > 0:01:30he really didn't make much of an impression at all.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Hear ye, hear ye!
0:01:33 > 0:01:37In this week's gossip-packed Oyez Magazine,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40get the lowdown on all the latest celebrity scandals,
0:01:40 > 0:01:45Including hot young Member of Parliament Oliver Cromwell!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Find out what everyone's saying about the Huntingdon hunk.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Juicy!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Oliver who?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Cromwell? No. Not ringing any bells.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57BELL STOPS MID-RING
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Huh, apparently they're saying nothing about him.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Oh, hang on. Is he that scruffy fellow? I remember.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07He only made one speech, and everyone hated it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Find out Olly's skincare secret.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Ding dong!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Tricky shaving, when your face is covered in warts.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oops. There goes another one.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20SPLAT
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We've got the pictures nobody wants to see.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Ooh, Mummy!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30The young Oliver Cromwell -
0:02:30 > 0:02:31He's rude, boring,
0:02:31 > 0:02:35a bit disgusting, and nobody knows who he is.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Oh, well.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41- RINGS BELL - Oyez Magazine. Buy it today!
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's Cromwell-tastic!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Hi, I'm Mr H.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I went to a lot of effort to find the Craziest Fools in History,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53so put down that mobile phone... put it down...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That's it, and pay attention in my eye.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It might just save your life, bruv.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07King Charles I of England and Scotland.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12Now, all that curly hair, all these fancy clothes,
0:03:12 > 0:03:16you might think he looks a bit like your mum, or a crazy fool.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18And you'd be right! SMASH
0:03:18 > 0:03:19He could rule how...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22I broke it.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23...And you'd be right!
0:03:23 > 0:03:26He thought he could rule however he wanted
0:03:26 > 0:03:29and that his authority was sent to him from God above.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32He ignored the people, and kept getting rid of Parliament
0:03:32 > 0:03:35and ended up starting like a civil war or something.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37You are bare crazy, bruv!
0:03:37 > 0:03:42When the trouble really started, Charles I raised his royal standard,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44which is like a flag, to get people on his side.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46FANFARE
0:03:46 > 0:03:48CLATTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Shame he couldn't keep it upright.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53It's a sign, Charlie. You're going out of business, mate!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55You want to start making sandwiches or something.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Ow!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Now, King Charles I was King of England and Scotland,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04but could have been crowned king of annoying fools!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Here he is meeting one of the rebellion commanders,
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Oliver Cromwell.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12Your Majesty, let us hope we may bring about peace with these negotiations.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Shall we begin?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Perhaps we shall.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19So...will we or won't we?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22An excellent question, that deserves an excellent answer.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26But...what is the answer?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Warts and all.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31No, no, no. To the question, Your Majesty.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Another excellent question. You're really rather good at those.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39You curly idiot!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43The man is trying to make peace, you blazing royal fool!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Until next time, stay away from stupid!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50(NORMAL VOICE) I've got to go. I've got tickets for Keane.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I've got tickets to see Keane, O2. Excuse me. Excuse me!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56So, King Charles and Parliament fell out so spectacularly
0:04:56 > 0:04:58that the only option was war.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02And so, in 1642, the English Civil War began.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04On one side, Oliver Cromwell
0:05:04 > 0:05:07and the Parliamentarian army known as the Roundheads.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And on the other side, King Charles and the Royalists,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12who were also called the Cavaliers.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Sounds simple, right? Wrong.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Chaos! The Civil War Board Game.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20It's Royalists versus Parliamentarians in the most complicated game ever.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I declare civil war! Emma, you're on my team.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Oh.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Round one, and it's Scotland versus England.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Cool. We'll be the Scottish.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- We're unhappy with King Charles' religion, so we're raising an army.- Aye!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I'm the King. I'll march north and make a peace treaty.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Dealt with?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Round two. It's Scotland and England again.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Us Scots have changed our mind about peace.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46We're raising an army and going to invade England.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Oh, drat! All my armies have retreated
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and I've run out of soldiers. I know!
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I'll play my Ask Parliament For Money card.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- They've said "no".- Ha-ha!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Right, that's it. I'm getting rid of Parliament!- No!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Round three, it's England versus Scotland and England.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Reset the board. Place your Parliament pieces in the south
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- and Royalists in the north. - Sounds easy enough.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Now place some of the Parliamentarians in the north
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- and some Royalists in the south.- OK.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Now place Parliamentarians in the cities, take some of them out again
0:06:19 > 0:06:21and put the Royalists in those cities.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24And don't forget the Scots, who are fighting against the King in this round,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26and the Irish, who are fighting for the King.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And all the mercenaries from Europe, who could be fighting for either side.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30But this is chaos!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33That's right! Chaos! The New Civil War Board Game.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- There are places where other villages are fighting against each other.- Chaos!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39There are families with pieces on both sides.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- Chaos!- There are pieces that change sides during the game!
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Just like in the Civil War itself. Absolute chaos!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47- Call it a day?- Yeah.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50No! It's time to play the all-important Cromwell card!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53What? At the start of the war he's just a low-ranking captain - he's useless.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56But play the game right, and he'll end up running the country.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59How long does this game take to play, please?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Between 9 and 19 years, depending on how you look at it.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I don't remember which side I'm playing.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05I can't even remember my name.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Chaos! The Civil War Board Game.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Total chaos!- Exactly!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14When King Charles raised his war banner at Nottingham,
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I had already taken sides against him.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20But what did I do in Cambridge to become famous around the country?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Did I...?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32The answer is B!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I rushed to Cambridge and grabbed his valuable silver collection
0:07:34 > 0:07:37before he could use it to pay his troops.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Then I gathered a volunteer army of men
0:07:38 > 0:07:41and declared Cambridge to be against the King.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43That's right - I'm not just a pretty face.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45I'm a man of action too.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49OK, I'm...maybe just a man of action.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54Lots of Parliament supporters in the Civil War were Puritans,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56including Oliver Cromwell.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Puritans dressed in simple black and white clothes
0:07:59 > 0:08:02and followed the words of the Bible to the letter,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06which inspired them to give each other some pretty strange names.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12As of this moment, you are soldiers in
0:08:12 > 0:08:15the Army of the Eastern Association of the Parliamentarian Army.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17FEEBLE CHEERING
0:08:17 > 0:08:19When you hear your name called out, say "here".
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Fight The Good Fight Of Faith.- Here!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Job Raked Out Of The Ashes.- Aye.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- Sorry For Sin.- Aye, sir!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Dancell-Daliphebo-Marke- Anthony-Gallery-Cesar...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32OK, that's not a real one. Very funny.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You're having fun with the new officer.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I get it. Fair enough.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Where's the real list?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- That is the real list. - Tell no lies, soldier!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It's pronounced Tell No Lees, sir.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Well, I guess I should be thankful I've got a normal name.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48My name's Be Thankful too, sir.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50And I'm glad I've got a normal name as well.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Let's just get to the end of the list, shall we?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- We're willing and able, sir! - Excellent.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57No, I'm Willing and he's Able.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Right, well...the sooner we get through this,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- the sooner we can have you wrestling with the enemy.- Here!
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Your name is The Enemy?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Don't be ridiculous.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It's Wrestling With. OFFICER SIGHS
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Soldiers, do not speak unless you hear your name.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Let's try and get through this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17OK... Die Well Sykes?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Here, sir!
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Sudden Death?- Here!
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Unfortunate name for a soldier, that. Jolly Death?
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Here, sir!- That's not much better.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Your names are all batty!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No, only my name is Batty, sir!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Well, I must admit, this isn't the welcome I was expecting.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And, no, you're not The Welcome I Was Expecting, either.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Right, do what you're told and you may survive this war.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40My name is Victory!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42ALL CHEER
0:09:42 > 0:09:44It really is, that's my name.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45SINGING
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Energy. Did you see?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07In a time for heroes...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11In a time when brother fought brother...
0:10:11 > 0:10:15In a time of chaos and bloodshed... came a hero.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20A soldier who would create a New Model Army
0:10:20 > 0:10:23and lead the Parliamentarian forces to victory
0:10:23 > 0:10:24at Marston Moor and Naseby,
0:10:24 > 0:10:29and ultimately win the Civil War. He was Oliver Cromwell.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Hello.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Look, hang on. Sorry, this is the story of me, Sir Thomas Fairfax.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I was the one who did all those things, not him.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39No, I'm pretty sure Oliver Cromwell won the Civil War.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I certainly did a lot of the work.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Look, hang on, he was just my deputy.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45I was in charge of the army.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Honestly, why does he always get the publicity?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50If anyone won the Civil War, I did.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Idiot!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Full Metal Helmet - the story of Sir Thomas Fairfax,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59the hero of the English Civil War.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Thank you. That's more like it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04The man who won a war and killed a king.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Hang on, no. That was Cromwell, I had no part in that.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Er, yeah, that was me.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12The man who ruled a nation as Lord Protector.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Um, I think that was me too.
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Now, look! After the war, he took over, executed the king,
0:11:18 > 0:11:20became Lord Protector...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25But I was the only...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Yeah. See, I saw you that time.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31But I was the only leader who won the war. OK?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I just didn't do anything after that. Actually, that's not true.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Later on, came out of retirement to help restore the monarchy.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Sir Thomas Fairfax in... Full Metal Helmet.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44He won a war and couldn't be bothered to do anything else.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Then he came back and helped the people he defeated get back into power.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Yeah, to be fair, that's pretty much it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57The Civil War turned the country upside down.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Battles were fought all over the place,
0:12:00 > 0:12:04and unfortunately, 17th-century doctors couldn't always help the wounded.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07They had some pretty strange ideas about what was bad for you.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09Water - beware!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11You, sir!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Stop! You're in mortal danger!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Not behind you. Down there.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20A bit left...a bit more...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yes, there!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Water - beware!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Cutting edge research by leading doctors
0:12:27 > 0:12:30has proven water affects humans in ghastly ways.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33One, it fills the head with vapours, making you dangerously dizzy!
0:12:36 > 0:12:41Two, water loosens muscles, so you can't control your limbs.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Wibbly wobbly!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Three, water unclogs the pores of your skin...
0:12:50 > 0:12:53..so foul plague odours can get into your body.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58So follow these suggestions to protect you and your family.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Don't drink water. Only safe drinks, like beer.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Ah!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Never wash - just change your shirt every day instead.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Oh!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12So next time you or your loved ones fancy a drink or a wash, remember -
0:13:12 > 0:13:15love your dirt, change your shirt, and no-one gets hurt.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Because water equals death!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Warning, only silly doctors believe this. The rest of you just carry on as normal.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24I always knew being a dirty rat was a good thing.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26RAT CHUCKLES
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The Civil War dragged on for years,
0:13:29 > 0:13:33but eventually Cromwell's army defeated the King's Cavaliers.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Olly put the King on trial for high treason against England.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Charlie was found guilty and executed.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41GULPS
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Cromwell took control of Parliament and the country.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48But with great power comes great piles of problems.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Careful what you wish for, Crommers.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53The King refused to abdicate.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56He was found guilty of being a tyrant, a traitor and a murderer.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59He left us no choice but to chop off his head.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01WOMAN GASPS
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It was a cruel necessity.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06# It was a cruel necessity
0:14:06 > 0:14:08# Something of a mess but he's
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# A right Charlie
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# Too proud a king To work with each MP
0:14:13 > 0:14:15# Parliament he did abandon
0:14:15 > 0:14:18# Doesn't have a leg to stand on
0:14:18 > 0:14:22# The cruel necessities of God's will came to me
0:14:22 > 0:14:23# It came to you
0:14:23 > 0:14:26# It came to me
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# We've scrapped the Long Parliament
0:14:28 > 0:14:30# Leaving us with a Rump
0:14:30 > 0:14:33# I thought supporters would help me
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# But they got the hump
0:14:35 > 0:14:37# I tried to delegate the crafts of state
0:14:37 > 0:14:40# Instead all landed on my plate
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Had to go and fight in Dublin
0:14:42 > 0:14:44# Leaving dolts in charge was troubling
0:14:44 > 0:14:48# I ditched the King but those MPs were worse than he... #
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Not so easy, eh?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# But still a cruel necessity
0:14:52 > 0:14:55# So many had said to me
0:14:55 > 0:14:57# "Charlie's off his trolley, Olly
0:14:57 > 0:15:00# "Boil his head for tea"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02# But despite decapitation
0:15:02 > 0:15:04# They dispute my legislation
0:15:04 > 0:15:08# Those dark ministers will be the death of me
0:15:08 > 0:15:10# You'll come to me... #
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Shut up already!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# Now, I'm not king of these whingers
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# Who make me look a chump
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# I tell them so, in God's name, go
0:15:20 > 0:15:21# It's time to dump this Rump
0:15:21 > 0:15:24# My new Nominated Parliament
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# Much greater pedigree
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# They're excellent chaps
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# Clever, too And all got chose by me
0:15:31 > 0:15:32# Oh, whoop de doo
0:15:32 > 0:15:36# They're gonna be like me-he-he
0:15:36 > 0:15:37# Vote like me
0:15:37 > 0:15:40# Do what I ask them to do-hoo
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- # I disagree... - Who are you?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44# Praise God, Barebones...
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Oh, praise be!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49# I don't like to moan Your army cronies annoy me
0:15:49 > 0:15:52# Once more it's cruel necessity
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# Time to ditch this ministry
0:15:55 > 0:15:57# Even Barebones Parliament
0:15:57 > 0:15:59# Fight among themselves
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# What this failing public sector Needs now is a Lord Protector
0:16:04 > 0:16:08# The Nominated nobodies' governing days are through
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# You ungrateful crew
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# You make me spew It's like a zoo
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# Well, whoop-di-doo. #
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Looks like all that power
0:16:18 > 0:16:21had started to make Cromwell's head Crom-swell!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24HE CHUCKLES DRUM CRACK
0:16:24 > 0:16:26He became Lord Protector,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29but he was nothing like King Charles.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Except for being really stubborn - like King Charles.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Never, ever agreeing with Parliament and having it closed down -
0:16:35 > 0:16:37like King Charles.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39And using the army to rule the country -
0:16:39 > 0:16:43like King Char... Do you know, hang on, he was a lot like King Charles!
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And people were so used to having a king or queen, no-one really knew
0:16:47 > 0:16:52what to call Cromwell and his wife, Elizabeth, or how to treat them.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56The King has gone, but Parliament is incapable of ruling.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58I take this title with a heavy heart.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Yes, Your Majesty.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Did you say "Majesty"? Please don't call me that.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Sorry, Your Maj... Er, er, I mean, General.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Listen, I'm not going to become a king myself. We discussed this.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Absolutely.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12There's no point killing King Charles and replacing him with King Oliver.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- That's not what we fought a war over.- Absolutely.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18We all agree with you 100%, your...highness?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19That one's OK.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Oh, it would be nice to be Queen. - Elizabeth...
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Er, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, Oliver.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You shall be Lord Protector and nothing else.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30- Mmm.- As you say, Lady Protectress.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Ooh, I like that!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33So, are we all agreed?
0:17:33 > 0:17:38Absolutely - you are definitely not becoming king. Now...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41could we proceed with the ceremony? We need you to sit on the throne...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44the chair of state.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Not a throne, it's just a chair. - It had better be.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Did he just bow?
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I believe he was just checking his flies, Your Majesty.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55FANFARE
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Hmm. These look a bit royal.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Oh, no, just a few things to make it official, Your Maj...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04your Major Lord Protector-ness.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Well, I suppose we do need to keep up appearances.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09A few symbols of leadership won't hurt,
0:18:09 > 0:18:10just as long as there's no crown.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15Cap of maintenance, not...not crown. It's completely different.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Now, just so we're under no illusion here, I am not agreeing to be king at all!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I will not look like the King and I will not act like the King. Is that understood?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Yeah, whatever.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Noted.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Good.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Now, if you could move our things into the Palace of Whitehall.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Yeah, want to start redecorating.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Um, isn't that where the King used to live?
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Well, we've got to live somewhere.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Huh, yes, Your Majesty(!)
0:18:38 > 0:18:39Don't push it.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Cromwell was a Puritan, and their strict views
0:18:44 > 0:18:48meant that lots of things people enjoyed got banned.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Bo-ring!
0:18:50 > 0:18:51OK.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Hey, Cromwell's Britain. It's me, NoMerit Vynall.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Yes, it's my real name and yes, my little brother is called FearGod.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Puritan parents, right?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- Stop it, FearGod!- I told you!
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Anyway, I'm back with my top five of what's hot right now in entertainment.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12OK. Number five - horse racing!
0:19:12 > 0:19:13It's great, right?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15You can race or...or just hang out with your friends.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Only you can't, because Cromwell's banned it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23He says, "Royalists might be meeting at the event."
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Unbelievable. I mean, he even enjoys racing himself.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30OK, number four in my entertainment countdown.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Stop, don't follow me, FearGod, you'll ruin the surprise!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39The theatre! Everyone loves a play, right?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Not Oliver. He's closed down most of the theatres.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48He says, "Royalists might be meeting there, too."
0:19:48 > 0:19:51OK, number three... Now!
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Football! Yay!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56- Nay. - GLASS SHATTERS
0:19:56 > 0:19:57WHISTLE BLOWS
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Apparently, we should be thinking about heaven instead, or something.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03If you get caught playing on a Sunday,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05they'll whip you - with whips!
0:20:05 > 0:20:09OK, number two - dancing!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Only, guess what?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17So, that's no horse racing, no theatre,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19no football and no dancing.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Oh, well, there's always Christmas.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25That is my number one thing to do for entertainment
0:20:25 > 0:20:26in Cromwell's Britain.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Only, guess what? You can't do that, either!
0:20:29 > 0:20:32The Christmas decorations, food and games part, anyway.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35So, what's hot in the Commonwealth?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Nothing! Why did they bother banning work on Sundays?!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40There's nothing else to do!
0:20:41 > 0:20:44Me again, er, not feeling so great.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Probably going to snuff it soon.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Oh, dear.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54So, I'd better name my replacement for when I go.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56But who did I choose to be the new Lord Protector?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10SPLUTTERS
0:21:10 > 0:21:12The answer is A.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Even though I'm definitely, definitely not a king,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19I am appointing my son as heir, just like a king does.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22What? No, it's not the same thing!
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Oliver Cromwell died of pneumonia in 1658,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30when he was 59 years old.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33And after all that bother, just two years later,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37King Charles I's son took back the country,
0:21:37 > 0:21:42restored the monarchy to power and was crowned King Charles II.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44What a turnaround.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48I wonder what Cromwell thinks about that?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# My grisly interviews
0:21:55 > 0:21:57# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# They're dead and famous too! #
0:22:00 > 0:22:03So I said to the waiter, "I'm dead famous, you know?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"Cos I'm famous and I'm dead!"
0:22:05 > 0:22:06DEATH LAUGHS
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Oh, don't all corpse at once.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Don't all corpse...oh, whatever!
0:22:12 > 0:22:15- Welcome to... Too late now! - WIND HOWLS
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Shut your lids! - WIND CEASES
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Welcome back to Chatty Death.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Please put your hands together for our next guest,
0:22:22 > 0:22:27the former Lord Protector of England, Oliver Cromwell!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33So, Olly. Olly, Olly, Olly, Olly, Olly. Can I call you Olly?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Cool, cool. Olly it is. Thanks for coming on the show.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Didn't really have any choice, so...
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Anyway, after you died, your body wasn't looked after properly,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45so had to be buried in secret, because you smelt so bad!
0:22:46 > 0:22:48What's that?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50- Oliver what? Oliver Strongsmell! - DRUM CRACK
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Very good! He's good, this kid!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55DEATH LAUGHS
0:22:55 > 0:22:58So, tell me, Olly, how would you like to be remembered?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Well, I suppose as someone who did what needed to be done.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I'll admit I did some pretty horrible things along the way.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07But it was a small price to pay to make sure that the monarchy
0:23:07 > 0:23:09would never again rule this country.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10Mmm!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Do you want to tell him, or shall I?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15No, you tell him, it's a bit embarrassing.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- All right, I'll tell him. - Tell me what?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Oh, it's just a little thing about Charles I's son coming back,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23being crowned King Charles II.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Murdering virtually everyone who signed his dad's death warrant
0:23:26 > 0:23:28and having your corpse dug up and beheaded.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30What else is there?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Oh, yeah, and the monarchy's still ruling in Britain today.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Hardly worth mentioning, really.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Any famous last words?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38SPLUTTERS
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Argh!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Anyway, that was Oliver Cromwell, everyone.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Sorry, what's that?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Oliver Pongwell! Not as good, mate.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oliver Pongwell is not as good.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:23:53 > 0:23:57# Hope next time it's not you! Hoo-hoo! #
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:24:01 > 0:24:03# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits
0:24:03 > 0:24:06# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
0:24:06 > 0:24:09# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# The past is no longer a mystery
0:24:12 > 0:24:13# Hope you enjoyed
0:24:13 > 0:24:17# Horrible Histories. #