0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Hello there. Welcome to Rotten Rulers,
0:00:41 > 0:00:46my selection of the most dastardly and tyrannical rulers we've seen in history.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Perfect timing, really - you caught me preparing for global domination!
0:00:50 > 0:00:55You see, my local rat nest is looking for a new ratty ruler
0:00:55 > 0:00:58after the last rat ate some rotten toothpaste and snuffed it.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59HE SNIFFS
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Minty-fresh corpse, though.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03So, I'm off on the campaign trail.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I want everyone to vote for me to be King Rat! Yeah.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Mind you, as we'll see,
0:01:08 > 0:01:12when you're top of the tree, not everyone likes you.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Take crooked King John in 1215.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20He was a truly rotten ruler who annoyed his people so much,
0:01:20 > 0:01:22they rebelled against him
0:01:22 > 0:01:27and forced him to agree to a list of their demands called Magna Carta.
0:01:27 > 0:01:33And Johnny boy was not happy about that one bit.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34THEY MUTTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Your Majesty,
0:01:37 > 0:01:38we the noblemen of England
0:01:38 > 0:01:40are worried about your continued abuse of power.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43It threatens the future of the realm.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44So we have gathered here at Runnymede
0:01:44 > 0:01:48and we've written a list of grievances in this document here...
0:01:48 > 0:01:49called the Magna Carta.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Really ticked off, actually.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52- Really ticked off. - Big time.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Magnum Carthorse, whatever.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I've got some grievances of my own, actually.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I think you'll find our grievances are more serious.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00I think you'll find mine are.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I don't think you will, actually.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- I think I will, actually. - I don't think you will, actually.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05HE MOUTHS
0:02:05 > 0:02:07There's only one way to settle this.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09I propose...
0:02:10 > 0:02:12..a grievance battle.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Oh!
0:02:14 > 0:02:15CROWD CHEERS
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Baron, hit it!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19HIP-HOP MUSIC
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- RAPS:- Wh-wh-wh-where to start? Which part?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23We've got so many grievances we could fill a cart
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Let's start with some facts, like tax
0:02:25 > 0:02:27They're so heavy that they're gonna break our backs
0:02:27 > 0:02:29We can't pay, there's no chance
0:02:29 > 0:02:31We lost all our money when you lost France
0:02:31 > 0:02:34The northern bit, anyway
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Your Majesty, you got pwned
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Drop some beats, player
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I'm confused, is this real? I thought I was the King
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I'm holding his seal
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Kneel to the King I'll see you grovel in the grime
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I'll tax what I like I'll even tax this rhyme
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Barons don't grovel, it's time to get real
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Listen to me, dog Or you're gonna feel some steel!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52This charter's tight We don't need to fight
0:02:52 > 0:02:54Just hit it with your seal and give us our rights
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Some serious points
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I ain't finished, we want a council to represent rich people
0:02:58 > 0:03:00We want a free church with a free steeple
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We want you to stop stealing our sons
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And holding them hostage, like you have done
0:03:05 > 0:03:06There's vital stuff here that you've gotta give us
0:03:06 > 0:03:09There's also some stuff about fishing in the rivers
0:03:09 > 0:03:11So stop, read what we plead
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Agree the deed in Runnymede
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Do what we ask or we're gonna make you bleed
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Yeah, I hear what you're saying
0:03:17 > 0:03:19If I don't tread gently, for my life I will be praying
0:03:19 > 0:03:21So tell me what to do, you're the boss
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Though we'll have to do this later Cos I'm taking up the cross
0:03:24 > 0:03:26- Interesting development - I wonder... - MUSIC STOPS
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- I'll shut up. - MUSIC RESTARTS
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Hang on a minute You must think we're barmy
0:03:30 > 0:03:32While you're talking here you're hiring up an army
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So how about this? Let's barter
0:03:34 > 0:03:36BARONS: We'll stay loyal if you agree to Magna Carta
0:03:36 > 0:03:38- Boh!- Boh!
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Whatever, dog, I'll agree your skanky scroll
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I'm tired of this game and it's time for me to roll
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I ain't bothered, it don't fill me with sorrow
0:03:44 > 0:03:46No-one will even remember this tomorrow
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Plus, it messes with the Pope And he'll ignore this ting
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I do things my way Cos I'm John and I'm the King. Boom!
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Oh!
0:03:53 > 0:03:54RAP ENDS
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Man, this king is fat.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Harsh!
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Crikey! King John's subjects thought a lot of him.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Just a shame it was all bad.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07People will love me, though, when I'm King Rat.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11I'm brave, brainy and beautiful,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13a bit like Cleopatra.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17She was Queen of Egypt just over two thousand years ago.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21She was a ruler who stood up to all the men around her.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Then again, they were sliding all over the place.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Caesar!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Your brother's forces have been defea...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Ohh!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I'm fine. I'm fine.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Your brother's soldiers have been defeated. He has died,
0:04:37 > 0:04:41drowned in the Nile, weighed down by his suit of armour.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42No-one will touch you any more.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Consider yourself under the protection of mighty Rome.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I'm fine. I'll pay for that.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Are you all right?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I'm... I'm... I'm...
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Up, up. Up.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54I'm fine!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I'm afraid the expensive marble floors
0:05:00 > 0:05:02of our palaces here in Alexandria
0:05:02 > 0:05:06were not designed for your Roman hobnailed boots.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09A Roman soldier can endure any hardship.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12The polished floors of a palace hold no challenge to him.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14- Yeah?- Yeah.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Yeah? No? No?
0:05:18 > 0:05:19We're fine.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23You are once again Queen of...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Once again, you are...
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Once again,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Queen of Egypt, and with Rome's support
0:05:29 > 0:05:32you will stay there. There's nothing any of your family can do about it.
0:05:32 > 0:05:37No-one will be able to take the throne away from you again.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Caesar!
0:05:38 > 0:05:39How can I repay you?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41There is one thing.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Whatever you wish.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45The wealth of Egypt is yours,
0:05:45 > 0:05:46even its queen.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47CRASH!
0:05:47 > 0:05:48CAT MEOWS
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Name your price.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51POTS AND PANS CRASH
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Could you put some rugs down, possibly?
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Do what?
0:05:54 > 0:05:56MATERIAL RIPS Ooh, they've torn!
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Ohhh!
0:06:00 > 0:06:01MORE BANGING AND CRASHING
0:06:01 > 0:06:04On your feet, man!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Caesar eventually fell head over heels in love with Queen Cleo,
0:06:07 > 0:06:12but that too proved a slippery road - to his own death. Hm.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Cleopatra wasn't the only rotten ruler who liked to be in charge at home.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Great French leader Napoleon, who became Emperor in 1804,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23was a bit of a control freak too,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26especially when it came to his wife, Josephine.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Josephine!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Oh, Josephine?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40I have returned!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42What is wrong with the door?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Wide-open doors are dangerous. It is obvious, no?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49Sometimes it is hard to believe you are France's greatest general.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51I know.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- Isn't it great? - I didn't expect you back so soon.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Well, I mentioned it in my letters. I wrote them to you every day.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Yes of course, your letters.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02How I treasure zem...
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Oh!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Zey are in ze bin! You have not read them.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Of course I have read them!
0:07:12 > 0:07:13Which letter was your favourite?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, it's hard to say. There were so many.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Really, so, so many...
0:07:19 > 0:07:22And zey were all, er, really good.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Mmm...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Zen you must have read them, because they were all really good.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- HE LAUGHS - OK!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What has been happening since I have been away?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Not much.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Bought any new dresses?
0:07:35 > 0:07:36- No!- You have!
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Show me!- No! You will hate zem and zen spill wine on zem.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Why would I do zat?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45It is what you always do when you do not like what I am wearing.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I have literally no idea what you are talking about!
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Fine!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Oh, yes, oui! Oh, yeah, oui, oui!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Ah, no, that is lovely.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58HE YAWNS
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Oh! Oh, no! I spilled wine all over it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And it must look like I've done exactly what you said I would do on purpose,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07but I totally didn't.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- Show me another. - SHE HUFFS
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Ah!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Oops.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22And zis one?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Oh, dear, you are out of wine.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Oh! I must write an urgent letter.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37- Oh!- Ohhh!
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Butterfingers!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Oh, and you know what?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I really, really liked zat one, and zat is from ze heart.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Do you have any more?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Get out! Get out right now!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I would, but ze door is, erm...
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Argh! Close it! Close it!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Au revoir, my love.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Oi! Where's my cheese?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Wee on your own feet!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Eat my fleas!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Oh, sorry. I've been practising my best angry voice.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I need to take control, like Napoleon.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26If I'm going to be elected as the new ruler of my rat pack,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I've got to get rid of my nice-guy image.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Clean my droppings!
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Scratch my scabs!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Rat off!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37It's no use. I'm too good-looking to be mean.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42No such problem for our next ruler, though, 'orrible Oliver Cromwell.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46Ah, he got rid of King Charles I in 1649
0:09:46 > 0:09:49and became ruler of the whole country himself.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52He was a cruel, bossy leader
0:09:52 > 0:09:57with a face that had more warts than a warty toad at a wart competition.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58True!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Greetings. Cromwell here.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Now, you might think I was happy
0:10:01 > 0:10:05to get rid of the annoying King we'd spent so long fighting,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07but I really didn't want to execute him.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Unfortunately, something changed my mind. What was it?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23The answer is A.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Even though I had treated him with respect as a prisoner
0:10:25 > 0:10:28and given him servants and paintings to enjoy,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31King Charles escaped from Hampton Court Palace.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35When we caught him on the Isle of Wight, I realised the only way he could be trusted
0:10:35 > 0:10:37to remain a prisoner for the rest of his life
0:10:37 > 0:10:40was if the rest of his life was very short indeed.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42TOILET FLUSHES
0:10:42 > 0:10:43It's me.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Now, King Charles I was forced to give up the throne by Cromwell,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52but I'm not sure this is the kind of throne they were arguing about.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53HE LAUGHS
0:10:53 > 0:10:57But no matter how comfy the big chair was, I'm sure I'd find it hard to sit still
0:10:57 > 0:11:01if I was a ruler and had piles of problems to deal with.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Alfred the Great was King of the Anglo-Saxons in the ninth century,
0:11:05 > 0:11:10and his big problem was piles of actual piles.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What a pain in the bum!
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Asser, my trusted advisor, what business have we today?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20We have messages from all the great men of Europe, Your Majesty.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22They mean to compliment us on our victory over the Vikings
0:11:22 > 0:11:24and the great country that we've built.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25We must be the talk of Europe.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Yep.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Shall I, er, put a cushion down, sire?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Er, no, why should I have a cushion?
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- WHISPERS:- I told you not to mention my bottom problems.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41I'm meant to be King. I don't want everyone talking about my backside!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Oh, sire, you've had piles for 20 years now.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48But, you know, I don't see how anyone could know.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Argh!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Yes, all right, all right.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56If they're not all talking about my bottom,
0:11:56 > 0:11:57then why all the cushions?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, it's a coincidence, Your Majesty.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02When I prayed to God to make me ill so I could focus on my work,
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I was not expecting an attack from the rear...aaargh!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06ALL SNIGGER
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Still, as long as no-one's talking about it.- Approach.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I bring word from Jerusalem... HE LAUGHS
0:12:12 > 0:12:14The head of my church
0:12:14 > 0:12:19has taken a great interest in what is happening here in Britain.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20I told you, Asser.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Our schools, our new towns, our legal codes are the talk of Europe.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I bring herbs and spices...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28HE SNIFFS Oh, it's a good one!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31..for your...how you say...
0:12:31 > 0:12:34runny botty splats. Pth-pth-pth-pth-pth.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Right!
0:12:36 > 0:12:37That's it!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I've had enough. No more talk about bottoms.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43The next person who mentions backsides will be in a lot of trouble.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Is that clear?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Asser?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- ALL SNIGGER - No, that's his name!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50That's his name!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Argh!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55My bummy-bum!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Ohhh...
0:12:58 > 0:12:59HE CHUCKLES
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Despite his bottom problems,
0:13:01 > 0:13:07Alfred is remembered as a great hero who defeated the Viking invaders.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I guess having a good image goes a long, long way,
0:13:10 > 0:13:15which is why I'm about to unveil my new poster for my campaign as rat leader.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20I wonder what clever spin the marketing guys have put on this.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"Vote for a dirty rat."
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Genius!
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Our next ruler, Mary, Queen of Scots, had some image problems, too.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Her cousin Queen Elizabeth I
0:13:36 > 0:13:40thought she was plotting to kill her and steal the English throne.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42And although she was called Queen of Scots,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45she actually spent most of her childhood growing up in France.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Ho-ho-ho-ho! Ooh-la-la!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50BIRDSONG
0:13:50 > 0:13:52FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, Mary!
0:13:52 > 0:13:53- ALL:- Yes, milady?
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Oh, not you, Mary, Mary or Mary. You, Mary!
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Yes, milady?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I was just thinking how 'appy I am here in France,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03compared to dreary old Scotland.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Ze weather is better,
0:14:05 > 0:14:07ze fashion is better,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10ze food is so much better!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Yes, milady, Scotland is rubbish.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14SCOTTISH ACCENT: You shut yer geggie!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17That's my bonnie wee Scotland you're runnin' doon there!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20FRENCH ACCENT: But you're right,
0:14:20 > 0:14:26ze day we arrived in France from Scotland was ze 'appiest day of my life.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Now, Mary?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28- ALL:- Yes, milady?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You, Mary,
0:14:30 > 0:14:31fetch me my little doggie.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Yes, milady.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35DOG YAPS
0:14:35 > 0:14:36- ALL:- Awww!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Ah, look what I have stitched.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40I have made a new coat
0:14:40 > 0:14:41for my little doggie.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- ALL:- Ah! Lovely!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I am so 'appy!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48But, milady, isn't King Francis still unwell, huh?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I hear he is bravely fighting for his life.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Ah, no, he's just being a sickly little softie, as per usual.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59He only has an earache. You cannot die of an earache.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00DOOR OPENS
0:15:00 > 0:15:02King Francis has died of earache!
0:15:02 > 0:15:03THEY ALL GASP
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Huh! Apparently, you can!
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Oh, my darling son!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Hold on a minute!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11If Francis is no longer King,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14does zat mean zat I am in charge?
0:15:14 > 0:15:15No,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17I am.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19And you, Mary,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21are going straight back to Scotland.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Hm. Erm, which...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Who... Who... Which, erm, Mary is that, milady?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29All of you!
0:15:29 > 0:15:30THEY ALL GASP
0:15:30 > 0:15:33SCOTTISH ACCENT: Jings, that's a pure wee downer, that!
0:15:33 > 0:15:38So Mary was kicked out of France by her angry mother-in-law in 1561.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40And when she returned to her native Scotland,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42she found her own Scottish people didn't think much of her, either.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44The poor wee lassie.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I am tall, beautiful, intelligent.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50You might think zat everyone loved me, but no.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Ze Protestant churchman John Knox hated both me and my mother
0:15:54 > 0:15:59because he believed the Bible said women should never rule over men.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03Hm. When I met him to discuss this, what did he do?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Ze answer is C.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19He shouted at me and made me cry.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22He got very angry, because my mother and I ruled Scotland,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26and zis was wrong to him. But we showed him!
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Mr Rattus, Mr Rattus, what do you say
0:16:28 > 0:16:33to rumours that you've been spreading fleas, the bubonic plague and dysentery?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35I would have to say...
0:16:35 > 0:16:36thank you!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38CLAMOURING No, no more questions.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39No more questions.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43They say a great king needs to think on his feet.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45But what if his feet fall out from under him?
0:16:45 > 0:16:49If there's anyone who knows the answer to that question,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52it's our next ruler, William the Conqueror.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55He invaded England in 1066,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58but his arrival didn't quite go to plan.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Call the police, there's a badger at my nana's!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11So check it. A lot of time, history is written down by the people
0:17:11 > 0:17:14who have killed all the other people who might have written it down.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17So it's no surprise that they tend to come out lookin' pretty good.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20But let me tell you, yeah, no fool is perfect!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22William the Conqueroror.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26He's just arrived in England, ready to kick some Saxon butt.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28He wants to make a fierce first impression, yeah?
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Shame he fell over like a massive, clumsy fool!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34William the Clown, more like!
0:17:34 > 0:17:39Hey, see how easily I grab Harold's lands.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Pull the other one, Willy, you didn't mean to do that!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Idiot!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Mine... Mine's this...this thing here.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hardly anyone remembers that little stumble.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54But I do! Crazy fools think they can hide in history,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56but they'd better wake up and apologise.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I never forget. I'm like an efelant.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Until next time, stay away from stupid, y'all!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06PLUMMY VOICE: Yeah, just a bath,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08with some oils and some salt, if you please.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Now, if history is anything to go by,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18it seems like lots of rulers were just a little bit crazy.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Crazy I can do.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Allow me to introduce you to my chief advisor,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Mr Fwubble Gubble III.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Yes, yes, yes, you're absolutely right, Mr Fwubble Gubble.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35200 years ago, King George III was suffering badly from madness
0:18:35 > 0:18:38and was still pretty popular with his people. Hm.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Good work, Mr Fwubble Gubble.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43WHISPERS: And that's why he's a chief advisor!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Hello! George III here.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Now, I have reigned for a long time,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53and my memory isn't what it used to be,
0:18:53 > 0:18:56or my hearing, or my sight,
0:18:56 > 0:19:00but I'll never forget my coronation. I bet you can't guess what happened.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Was it...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17The answer is C!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Lord Talbot had trained his horse to walk backwards,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22because it's rude to turn your back on the King.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25But then the horse refused to go anywhere facing the right way,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28so Talbot had to ride it backwards all day long.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30HE LAUGHS
0:19:30 > 0:19:32He looked a right foal,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35which is a joke, because a foal is a young horse.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Oh! Oh, you get it? Marvellous.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39SHE LAUGHS
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Very funny, Your Majesty.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Now, no selection of rotten rulers would be complete
0:19:44 > 0:19:47without the biggest, most rotten of them all.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Of course, it's King Henry VIII, who went through wives and advisors
0:19:51 > 0:19:53like most people go through underwear.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58In 1540, Henry got ready to marry his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Do you think it went well?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02No, neither do I.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04It's My Big Fat Tudor Wedding,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08and this week, big, fat Tudor Henry is getting married again,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10after the death of his third wife, Jane Seymour,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13if chief minister Thomas Cromwell can talk him into it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Her name's Anne of Cleves. She's a nice Protestant girl.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Oh, I dunno, Crommers.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22I've only just lost my third wife, Jane Seymour,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and now I've got the male heir I want,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I'd need a pretty good reason to marry someone else.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Well, how about to secure an alliance against the Pope
0:20:31 > 0:20:33and to ensure the survival of the Church of England?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36No, I mean, you know, she'd have to be well fit.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Well...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41HENRY SIGHS
0:20:41 > 0:20:43She hasn't got a younger sister, has she?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Erm, yes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49All right,
0:20:49 > 0:20:50I'll have that one.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Good choice, sire!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55With the portrait of Anne having done the trick,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57it's time for Henry to meet his bride.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Now, remember, she's German so quite strait-laced.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Don't worry, I've done this before. Ready, boys?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Oh, yeah! - No! No, no, no, please!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08The entire English Reformation depends upon this marriage, sire!
0:21:08 > 0:21:10And...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12ALL: Room raid, room raid, room raid,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14room raid, room raid...
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Yeah!
0:21:17 > 0:21:18It's me!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Your new husband.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh.
0:21:22 > 0:21:23HENRY: Oh.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Anne's not impressed.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28And neither is Henry.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30But the wedding plans are well under way.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32She looks nothing like her portrait.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Well, to be fair, sire, neither do you.
0:21:35 > 0:21:40I mean, your legs are thinner, your belly is much fatter now, and your...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Do you like your head where it is, Crommers?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Yes.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Good.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Unable to wiggle out of the wedding, Henry says "I do".
0:21:50 > 0:21:51TRIUMPHANT MUSIC
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Congratulations, sire!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57England is safe!
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Yes,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00unlike your head.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01What?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Oh, no, please!
0:22:04 > 0:22:05Anne?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08There's something I wanted to say. The thing is...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- It's not you, it's me. - MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Hang on, I was going to say that.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I guess I'm just not the marrying sort.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16I mean, you're clearly a nice person...
0:22:16 > 0:22:17I was going to say that, too.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20So, great, how about a quick divorce?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Perfect. I'll get my people onto it.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Crikey!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Who's that?
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Hello!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Next week, in My Big Fat Tudor Wedding,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Henry gets married again,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43to Anne's former lady-in-waiting Catherine Howard.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48And the week after that, he'll probably marry someone else...again!
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Bad news for Catherine.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54True to form, Henry had her executed and married his sixth wife,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Catherine Parr.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00But good news for her, she managed to outlive Henry!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01Result!
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And there's good news for me, too.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07You'll be pleased to hear I am the new ratty ruler!
0:23:07 > 0:23:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Yeah, yeah! So, what have I got to look forward to being a ruler?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Treacherous underlings, back-stabbing family members,
0:23:15 > 0:23:21assassination attempts, invasions, rebellions, untimely deaths...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Crikey!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Being a ruler definitely doesn't...rule.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I mean, just look at Winston Churchill.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32He led us to victory in the Second World War and then we kicked him out!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Take it away, Winston.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35SLOW MUSIC
0:23:39 > 0:23:41# In '44
0:23:42 > 0:23:44# We turned the war
0:23:44 > 0:23:50# D-Day made sure the foe retreated
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# In '45
0:23:53 > 0:23:55# Our troops survive
0:23:56 > 0:23:58# But in the vote
0:23:58 > 0:24:02# I am defeated
0:24:02 > 0:24:05# The masses spoke, no victory's mine
0:24:05 > 0:24:08# Chose some old bloke, ungrateful swine
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# There goes my power
0:24:11 > 0:24:12# What should have been...
0:24:14 > 0:24:18# My finest hour...
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# Back in '36
0:24:22 > 0:24:24# I tried to fix
0:24:25 > 0:24:31# The mad idea Hitler was charming
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# Then in '38
0:24:34 > 0:24:35# Though I gained weight
0:24:36 > 0:24:42# So did my case for re-arming
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# In my modest way told all I was right
0:24:45 > 0:24:48# But lacked support, had to sit tight
0:24:48 > 0:24:50# Till '39
0:24:51 > 0:24:53# Justice was mine
0:24:53 > 0:24:59# Their finest hour...
0:24:59 > 0:25:02# Though often feared
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# That we might lose
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# I kept my faith
0:25:08 > 0:25:11# Words well I'd choose
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# Time to bear and endure
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# Never surrender
0:25:17 > 0:25:19# Blood, toil, tears and sweat
0:25:19 > 0:25:23# We'll go on to the end
0:25:23 > 0:25:28# Was never so much owed to so few
0:25:28 > 0:25:34# Their finest hour...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# I brought us through
0:25:37 > 0:25:39# Expected you
0:25:39 > 0:25:42# Would thank me true
0:25:42 > 0:25:46# And show affection
0:25:46 > 0:25:49# But victory
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# And love for me
0:25:52 > 0:25:58# Did not extend to the election
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# Defeating Hitler, we had to fight
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# Defeating me, ballot box sufficed
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# That's what we killed for
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# What blood was spilled for
0:26:09 > 0:26:14# Your finest hour...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# I won the war
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# But lost the peace
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# I can't complain
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# My life did not cease
0:26:25 > 0:26:28# The only cross
0:26:29 > 0:26:32# Was one you wrote
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# Your brothers died
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# So you could vote
0:26:38 > 0:26:41# Didn't just beat me
0:26:41 > 0:26:43# You beat tyranny
0:26:43 > 0:26:50# Your finest hour... #
0:26:53 > 0:26:55CHATTER
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Welcome to my election victory party. Help yourself to drinks and nibbles.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Yes, wily old Winston was one of the truly great leaders,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09but even he lost the vote after he led us to victory.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Well, there's gratitude for you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Maybe this ruling lark isn't all it's cracked up to be.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Sounds like sooner or later someone always turns against you,
0:27:19 > 0:27:23and you certainly can't please all of the rats all of the time.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Huh, especially my rat pack.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Turn your back for a second
0:27:27 > 0:27:29and they'd steal all your best biscuits.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31RUNNING FOOTSTEPS Ohhh!
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Come on! You rotten lot!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Do you know what?
0:27:36 > 0:27:37I quit.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39I'm not cut out for running a whole rat nest,
0:27:39 > 0:27:41especially this thieving lot.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44At least I've still got my rattenburg cake.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47RUNNING FOOTSTEPS Argh!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49See? I told you!
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Goodbye.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Oi, you lot, come back here!
0:27:55 > 0:27:56# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:58 > 0:27:59# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# We showed you all the juicy bits
0:28:01 > 0:28:03# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:28:06 > 0:28:10# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# Horrible Histories! #