0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Welcome, viewers, to a whirlwind trip through the historical world.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46Yes, I've got the travel bug...
0:00:46 > 0:00:48to go with all my other bugs.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50I fancy following in the footsteps
0:00:50 > 0:00:54of some of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen,
0:00:54 > 0:00:59so I've packed up my stuff and booked a round-the-world rat-urn ticket.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Rat-urn ticket! LAUGHS
0:01:03 > 0:01:08Now, I just need to work out where to go first. Hmm...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10How about France?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12French Emperor Napoleon -
0:01:12 > 0:01:15he certainly liked to visit different countries.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17All right, conquer different countries.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20He wanted to take over the whole of Europe,
0:01:20 > 0:01:24and even though he was defeated in 1814 and imprisoned,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26he didn't give up. No.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Just one year later, he escaped, raised an army and set out
0:01:30 > 0:01:35to face British leader Wellington at the famous Battle of Waterloo.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Take it away, MC Napoleon.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Its the Wonderbra of the French,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46King of Italy, Co-Prince of Andorra,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49you guessed it, it's me,
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Napoleon Bonaparte!
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Uh!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55RAPS: Hello, Paris, I burst through ze door
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Now everybody lift your jaws off the floor
0:01:57 > 0:01:58You act like you've never seen your emperor before
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's Napoleon, and I'm back for more
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I've just escaped from exile on Elba
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Where they call me the caged monster
0:02:04 > 0:02:06They say I'm short and I've got little hands
0:02:06 > 0:02:08But check out my massive...battle plans
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Yes, we've got to go to war one more time, against who?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Everybody - but don't worry, we'll be fine
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Just fighting to get back what's rightfully mine
0:02:13 > 0:02:15Which is everything I conquered ze first time
0:02:15 > 0:02:17King Louis whatever!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18He ain't got nothing on me
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Ze greatest Frenchman ever
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Come to war with me!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24French people, my subjects
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I brought you success
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Women used to make me nervous
0:02:27 > 0:02:30But in battle I'm ze best!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:02:32 > 0:02:34# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:02:34 > 0:02:35I didn't come to party
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I came to get nasty!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:02:39 > 0:02:41# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:02:41 > 0:02:42Just got to win at Waterloo
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Then I'll get back to ruling you
0:02:45 > 0:02:48You say I'm cocky, maybe I am
0:02:48 > 0:02:50It's not my fault, it's my pituitary gland
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Or maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true
0:02:52 > 0:02:53I'm a military genius
0:02:53 > 0:02:54And my army love me, too
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Can barely ride a horse, but not for want of trying
0:02:55 > 0:02:57I'd say it's not my sore bum, but I would be lying!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59So, it was ze British and ze Dutch Oh, and ze Prussian army,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01But that's OK, the Prussian leader's barmy
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- I'm pregnant with an elephant! - See what I mean?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05But I really need to win before they get on the scene
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Can't pray for rain to stop, don't believe in God
0:03:06 > 0:03:08If it carries on much longer we'll be stuck in ze mud
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I got a hundred days!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12And I'm back up in zis
0:03:12 > 0:03:13We're outnumbered, yes
0:03:13 > 0:03:15But we can win zis
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Sure, I'm a little fat
0:03:17 > 0:03:19And it hurts when I pee
0:03:19 > 0:03:21But don't worry about zat
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I'll lead you to victory, baby
0:03:24 > 0:03:25# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:25 > 0:03:27# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:27 > 0:03:28I lead ze French army
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I wasn't really zat tiny!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:33 > 0:03:34# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Look out, world, wait and see
0:03:36 > 0:03:38You're about to see ze best of me
0:03:38 > 0:03:40# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:40 > 0:03:41# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Just got to beat Wellington
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Which almost nobody has done
0:03:46 > 0:03:47# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:47 > 0:03:49# Napoleon Bonaparte
0:03:49 > 0:03:51And I'll go down in history
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Cos Waterloo's my destiny.
0:03:55 > 0:04:01Hello! I've just arrived in the Holy Land during the Middle Ages.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04At least Napoleon isn't here with his armies...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06or his feeties! LAUGHS
0:04:06 > 0:04:07MEN SHOUT
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Don't think I'll get much peace and quiet, though. No.
0:04:11 > 0:04:12MARCHING
0:04:12 > 0:04:14The Crusades are in full swing,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16with Europe trying to reconquer the Holy Land,
0:04:16 > 0:04:19which has been lost to Muslim forces.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22But the Crusaders have more than met their match,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25now they've come up against the Muslim leader Saladin.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28When it comes to fighting in the desert, no-one is smarter.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31This guy is Saladin-credible.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34The Crusaders are headed for Jerusalem,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37but we can deal with them here by the Horns of Hattin.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Kill them! - Kill them all!
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Patien... Patience, my friends, we must be cleverer than that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45We can attack them in a different way.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48We're in a desert. So ask yourself, what do they need?
0:04:48 > 0:04:49- A good kicking! - No. No, no.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52A sword through the skull!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54- Kill them all! - Kill them!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57No. No, no, no. Think about it. Think about it.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59What must they do every day
0:04:59 > 0:05:02in the desert, huh? You know? T-t-t-t-t-t...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Kiss a chipmunk?
0:05:05 > 0:05:06No. No, no. No.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Not that. Put it this way,
0:05:07 > 0:05:09what must we all do?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13What must we all do every day to survive?
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Go toilet?
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Other end, other end. - Brush their teeth.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18What is this? What is in this?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- Jug. - Water! Water!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Oh! Water! - I totally drink water every day.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25So, what must we do?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- Kill them! - Kill them!
0:05:29 > 0:05:33No! No. No. Go back to the water. Think water.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- Drown them! - Drown them all!
0:05:35 > 0:05:37How... How am I supposed to drown them?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39In the paddling pool I keep for my camel?
0:05:39 > 0:05:42You can drown in as little as one inch of water. Fact.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Oh, thanks for that, that's really helpful(!)
0:05:45 > 0:05:46What happens in the desert
0:05:46 > 0:05:48if you don't drink your water?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50They have nothing to wash their, er, salad in.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51- Saladin! - LAUGHS
0:05:51 > 0:05:52He's called Saladin!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yeah, his name...his name is Saladin.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57What happens in a desert if you do not drink the water?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- They...get thirsty? - Yes!
0:06:01 > 0:06:04And what happens if you still don't drink the water?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06- You get bad skin!- No. - Chappy lips.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08No, past that stage. OK. What happens next?
0:06:08 > 0:06:09You die.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Yes! Boom!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13One point to idiot number two!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Well done!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Where do they need to go to get their water?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It begins with a W, ends in an L.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- Wall? - Rhymes with bell?
0:06:23 > 0:06:24- Cello. - SIGHS
0:06:24 > 0:06:26W...w...
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Where... - When...
0:06:28 > 0:06:29We...
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- Well! - Yes!
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Well! Yes!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34- A-ha! - So we go to the well,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37we block their access, they cannot drink any water,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39they get weaker and weaker
0:06:39 > 0:06:41until they can barely stand,
0:06:41 > 0:06:46they're about to die, and then we can finally...
0:06:46 > 0:06:47- Ah! Kill them all! - Kill them all!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- To the well! - Come on!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Can we just run through it one more time?
0:06:56 > 0:06:57We go to the well.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01The well is this way.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07We travellers in the Middle Ages are living in dangerous times.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Not only do we have to avoid being killed in battle,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13we also have to watch out for nasty illnesses, too.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Disease and sickness are everywhere here,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19and even King John's brother picked up a nasty bug
0:07:19 > 0:07:21when he arrived to fight Saladin.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Here's Johnny to tell us more.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26What you might not know is that my brother,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28King Richard the Lionheart...
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Blech!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31..went off on crusade as soon as he was made King.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36But he got a horrid disease when he arrived in the Holy Land.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Did it...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57The answer is...
0:07:57 > 0:07:58B.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Both he and the King of France caught a disease called arnaldia
0:08:01 > 0:08:05that made their skin all blotchy and their hair and nails drop off.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Er, what's more, their enemy Saladin had painful boils
0:08:09 > 0:08:11all over his legs and bum, so he couldn't sit down.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14See why I chose to stay at home, don't you, hm?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Much comfier.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Ooh, that's revolting!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20But if you think travelling in the Holy Land was dangerous,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23you'd better think twice about visiting East Asia, too.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27During the reign of King John in England, it was a pretty scary place.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30A fierce warrior called Genghis Khan
0:08:30 > 0:08:34was terrorising people from Mongolia to China.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35You have been warned!
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Hello, I'm Geoff Reason, and welcome to Battle Of The Day,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41coming live from 13th-century Mongolia
0:08:41 > 0:08:44as we focus on the scourge of the world -
0:08:44 > 0:08:47no, not the disastrous King John in England,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50but the strong wolf himself, Genghis Khan.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56With me, providing expert analysis and plenty of gory details,
0:08:56 > 0:08:57it's Jamie Castle.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Jamie, Genghis has a pretty terrible reputation,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03but come on, is he really that ruthless?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07During his life, Genghis Khan turned most of Asia into a bloodbath.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09What kind of soap would you use in a bloodbath?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10It's not a real bath, Geoff.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And even if it was,
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Genghis has made washing punishable by death.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Hold your noses,
0:09:16 > 0:09:18we're about to hear from the mighty Mongol himself.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20MEN SHOUTING Er, Genghis, you're off to do battle
0:09:20 > 0:09:21with the Chinese today.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24What do you say to accusations that you fight dirty?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26It's true. I do!
0:09:26 > 0:09:28There is no honour in war,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31only victory or defeat!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Not sure that I agree with you there.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Then I'll kill you!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Thanks, lads. See you later.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45We're about to go to Chris Staycalmer at the bridge...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47of human bodies?! Chris?
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Genghis arrives, sees the moat around the enemy fortress
0:09:51 > 0:09:55and orders all his prisoners to rush into the water
0:09:55 > 0:09:58until their bodies pile up like a bridge,
0:09:58 > 0:09:59a human bridge,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03allowing his army to march right across.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I've... I've never seen anything like it, Geoff.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Ugly but weirdly effective.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Bit like you, Chris.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oh, yeah, really mature(!)
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Oh, yeah, "I'm in a Mongol horde! Look at me bullying everyone!"
0:10:17 > 0:10:20ANGRY SHOUTING No, I meant... I'm not...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23And here's a victorious man who couldn't agree with you more.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Wahey!
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Genghis, you've conquered anyone and everyone you could find,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30one of the most brutal warriors in history. It's quite a legacy.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Hang on, how about my religious tolerance
0:10:33 > 0:10:35or the fact that I outlawed kidnapping women,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38stealing animals and enslaving other Mongols?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41And all you wanna do is talk about wars and killing?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43But you have killed quite a lot of people.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Fair point. 40 million is plenty.
0:10:47 > 0:10:5140 million? In the 13th century that's...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54that's nearly 11% of the world's entire population!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Great for the environment, though, Geoff.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Dead people don't produce CO2, methane or chop down trees.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02He really deserves to be remembered
0:11:02 > 0:11:05as one of the most environmentally friendly rulers of all time.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06GEOFF FARTS
0:11:06 > 0:11:08HE SNIFFS
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Methane.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's true, Genghis Khan was a ruthless warrior and leader
0:11:17 > 0:11:22who also had strict rules about how his people should live day to day.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Do you know, he'd even have you executed
0:11:25 > 0:11:27if you washed your body or your clothes.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Now, that really stinks. LAUGHS
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Although that's no problem for me. I'd fit right in.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Medieval Mongolians wouldn't change their clothes
0:11:37 > 0:11:39until they literally fell apart.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42But then again, wherever you go in the world, people have always
0:11:42 > 0:11:46had their own ideas about what to wear, what not to wear,
0:11:46 > 0:11:47how to file your teeth so they're pointy.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What?
0:11:49 > 0:11:52It's time for Historical Catwalk!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Hi, and welcome to the final of Historical Catwalk.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Ja, ve've been all over ze world
0:12:01 > 0:12:03looking for ze 12th century's most fashionable woman.
0:12:03 > 0:12:09We are down to our final fabulous four. Are you excited, Heidi?
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Maybe. I can't remember what real emotions feel like.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16First on the runway is Chechua,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19a beautiful Mayan contestant from South America.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Wow, I don't know what's funnier, her head or her teeth.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26Your story inspires me.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Heidi, your truth,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30it really touches me.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Next up, it's the fabulous, the fierce
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Borte from Mongolia.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37She's got a powerful spirit
0:12:37 > 0:12:40and an even more powerful stench.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42And, like all medieval Mongols,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44you believe that you should never wash yourself
0:12:44 > 0:12:46or your clothes.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47I will remember you forever,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51because I don't think the smell is ever going to leave me.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57Our final contestant is Huy from China.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58HEIDI GASPS
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Huy, I love your heart and your spirit,
0:13:02 > 0:13:03but deeper than that,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I love your bound feet and your shoes!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09They lift you up above the other competitors
0:13:09 > 0:13:11and the layer of animal poo
0:13:11 > 0:13:15that covers the streets of your home city, Hangzhou.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17You are so graceful.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19AUDIENCE GASPS
0:13:19 > 0:13:21So, out of this competition,
0:13:21 > 0:13:25the winner of this century's Historical Catwalk is...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27It's Borte!
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Borte, you are truly
0:13:28 > 0:13:31a great example of Mongol women,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34which means you'll be kidnapped by a rival tribe.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I really need to wash.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Who knew fashion was so dangerous?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I think I'm more of a thinker than a fighter.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Let's hope it's safer for me
0:13:49 > 0:13:53here in the home of the great Chinese philosopher Confucius.
0:13:53 > 0:13:59He was a great thinker and teacher who lived 2,500 years ago,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03and his ideas and wise sayings are still popular today.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05I've got a wise saying of my own.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07A rat with no fur
0:14:07 > 0:14:09will never catch fleas,
0:14:09 > 0:14:10but a rat with no tail
0:14:10 > 0:14:13is probably just a guinea pig. LAUGHS
0:14:13 > 0:14:16He's the man whose cracking one-liners are still
0:14:16 > 0:14:19pulling in the crowds 400 years after he died,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Confucius.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22What you do not want done to yourself
0:14:22 > 0:14:24do not do to others.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Cautious people rarely make mistakes.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's the Confucius stand-up DVD.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Those lines are hundreds of years old,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40but they're still so relevant even today.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Yeah. - They are classic.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- Yeah. - They're absolutely classic.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my favourite one was, er...
0:14:47 > 0:14:48"Never eat yellow snow".
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- He didn't say that. - What?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52You know he didn't say that. He didn't say that.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- He did, didn't he? - No. No.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57He definitely didn't say that. He did not say that line.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00He's the philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever
0:15:00 > 0:15:03anything brilliant is said now, people think he come up with it!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Confucius said, er, "He who goes to bed with an itchy bottom
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"will wake up
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"with a smelly finger"!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13That definitely wasn't him! That is well gross.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14That is well gross.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Confucius said stuff like,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19"When a country is run well,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"poverty is a thing to be ashamed of.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"When a country is run badly,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28"riches are a thing to be ashamed of."
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Yeah, mine are funnier.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Confucius, the greatest one-liners in history.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Confucius said, "When many birds flock together,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"wear a hat"!
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- No, he didn't. - He might have done.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- He didn't say that. - He might have done.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43He didn't say that. He didn't say that!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45In the middle of a sentence, he might have done.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46He didn't say that.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- You weren't there. - He didn't say that.
0:15:48 > 0:15:49- You don't know him. - He didn't say that.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Buy the DVD of all Confucius's's's sayings
0:15:52 > 0:15:53and you'll get the DVDs of all the things
0:15:53 > 0:15:55he's supposed to have said but didn't
0:15:55 > 0:15:57absolutely free!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59The superior man understands what is right.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03The inferior man understands what will sell.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04And this will sell.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Hang on, does that make me inferior?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08Oh, who cares!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11The best thing about my round-the-world trip
0:16:11 > 0:16:13is all the amazing food -
0:16:13 > 0:16:15chewing on trash, snacking in the sewers
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and bingeing on a battlefield buffet.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Mmm, horse hoof. Delicious.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24What? Come on!
0:16:24 > 0:16:26You humans have some strange eating habits of your own.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27I mean, look,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I'm still in China,
0:16:29 > 0:16:33but now I'm in the Tang dynasty over one thousand years ago.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35They eat anything and everything here.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Well, nearly everything.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39- Hello!- Hello!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Yes, it's I'm A Tang Celebrity,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43live from 8th-century China.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Joining us for the bush tucker trial,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49it's Tang-tastic ruler Empress Wu Zetian.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Why aye, Wu!- Why aye.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54So, Wu, you could say you're a powerful Wu-man!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- LAUGHS - Nice!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Now, you've had to murder lots of people to get to the top,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01but can you cope with...
0:17:04 > 0:17:05..hornet larvae? Eurgh!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Basically, maggots!
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Nice!
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- Oh, she's eating it, like. - Oh.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13In that case, how about...
0:17:13 > 0:17:14cockroach!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Oh!
0:17:16 > 0:17:17Lovely!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Oh, disgusting!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Boiled camel hump!- Oh!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27To die for!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Oh...
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Oh, it's gorgeous.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Bamboo rat!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Yuck!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Tail's the best bit, for me.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- CRUNCH - Not the tail! Oh!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Jellyfish!
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- A juicy bit! - It's making me feel...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- Ugh! - I think I'm gonna...
0:17:43 > 0:17:44Steamed bear.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46You do know in Tang China
0:17:46 > 0:17:48these are things we normally eat?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oooh!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Stop, stop. Stop.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54You've passed the bush tucker trial!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Ooh, disgusting!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Here's your prize.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Ten pounds of sirloin steak
0:17:59 > 0:18:00to share with your royal court.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Well done. - What?!
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Beef?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05I can't eat that!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Oxen are used by Tang farmers
0:18:07 > 0:18:10to pull their carts and plough fields.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Oh. Er...
0:18:12 > 0:18:14How dare you eat such a useful animal!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Oh, no!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I'm a Geordie, get us out of here!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20It was him!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Now, I wasn't gonna hang around
0:18:22 > 0:18:24and wait for Empress Wu to snack on me next,
0:18:24 > 0:18:29so I've left China and arrived in exotic India. Yeah.
0:18:29 > 0:18:34I've dug out all my phrasebooks, and look, I can speak French!
0:18:34 > 0:18:39"Je m'appelle Rattus," which means "My name is Rattus".
0:18:39 > 0:18:41And I can also speak Italian -
0:18:41 > 0:18:42"Ciao, bella Ratalie,"
0:18:42 > 0:18:46which translates as "Hello, lovely Ratalie".
0:18:46 > 0:18:47And... Hm,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I can't seem to find India.
0:18:49 > 0:18:53I wonder if I know any Indian words already.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18CRASH
0:19:30 > 0:19:33What a hullabaloo, indeed.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Now, if you're going to travel through history
0:19:35 > 0:19:36visiting far-flung places,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39you must expect to find yourself in one or two dangerous situations.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Travellers, beware, especially on the high seas,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and none more so than during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47when a great naval battle took place near Greece
0:19:47 > 0:19:49which would determine the future of Europe.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53But although it was very serious, it was also very, very silly.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Hey, you! Yeah, you!
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt
0:19:57 > 0:19:59and listen up, yeah?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I'm Mr H, and I've been working hard searching through history
0:20:02 > 0:20:04to find the craziest fools that ever lived,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07These people are bad for your health, bruv.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08If you don't pay attention,
0:20:08 > 0:20:10so am I!
0:20:10 > 0:20:13For real, fam. Get it? Chill.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Leave it!
0:20:20 > 0:20:23The naval battle of Lepanto 1571, yeah?
0:20:23 > 0:20:29The mighty Ottomans were up against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese,
0:20:29 > 0:20:30fighting for the future of Europe.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Like in the football.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy
0:20:35 > 0:20:36are too far away to fire at.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38So what's he gonna do?!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle ahead?
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Come on, everyone, dance, dance, dance!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49No! He's gonna try and start a dance-off! What?!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Dance!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51- MR H:- You'd better get the right tune,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53otherwise it is gonna be wack!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Now, if this guy had any sense, yeah,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59he would ignore the crazy Ottoman behaviour.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Whoo! You can't touch this!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- But he doesn't! - Who? Me?
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Dance!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Oh, man, quit already.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You're already making me seasick.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Now that the battle is on, you think things are gonna get serious, right?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Wrong!
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Not a s... Argh!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24This guy has just had his hand blown off, and it takes, like...
0:21:24 > 0:21:26100 years or something to grow it back!
0:21:26 > 0:21:30He needs to stop the bleeding! And that is a pretty sensible idea.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34THEY CHEER
0:21:34 > 0:21:35But that definitely isn't!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37A chicken Band-Aid?!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Mate, chickens are for burgers. What are you thinking?!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Finger-licking fool!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Yeah, there's, er, no more cannonballs.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44What? What?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Here come the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo!
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Oh, my days! Think it's all over?
0:21:49 > 0:21:50Think again!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Who needs cannonballs when we've got fresh fruit! Load!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Aim! Fire! - LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Fire fruit at will! - LAUGHS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Take that, you silly Spanish! - LAUGHS
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Know when to quit...
0:22:05 > 0:22:07citrus fruit fools!
0:22:07 > 0:22:10One glass of fool juice. All right!
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Eurgh!
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Remember, as long as we keep making history,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16history will keep making crazy fools.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!
0:22:19 > 0:22:21- LAUGHS - Until next time,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23stay away from stupid, y'all!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- NORMAL VOICE:- Have we cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Well, I'm here in Greece.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36But honestly, right now, I'd like a ship home.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38All this travelling is exhausting.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I miss all the lovely things about the UK -
0:22:41 > 0:22:43my lovely Ratalie,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45the lovely sewers,
0:22:45 > 0:22:46the lovely smells
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and all that lovely poo!
0:23:00 > 0:23:02- Ohhh! - Please, sir!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Please!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07HE GASPS
0:23:10 > 0:23:12HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Wipe your bum, sir?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- What? - May I? Wipe your bum, sir?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Er, no! No... No, I'm fine, thanks.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Oh, come, sir, this is the Middle Ages.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25A fine gentleman like yourself
0:23:25 > 0:23:27can't be seen to wipe his own bum now, can he?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- Er...- No, no, it's all here in The Book Of Civilized Man
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- by esteemed poet Daniel of Beccles. - Erm...
0:23:34 > 0:23:37"If you wish to belch, always look up at the ceiling."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39HE DOES A LOUD BELCH
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- OK, I'm going. - Oh, wait!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44You can stick that hay where the sun don't shine.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45But that's what I was going to do, sir.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Please!
0:23:47 > 0:23:48All right.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51SHE LAUGHS
0:23:51 > 0:23:53I don't want your money.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54No.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- I want your poo! - What?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59It's been such a cold winter we've been burning poo
0:23:59 > 0:24:01to keep warm.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Ooh!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Ready when you are, sir. - Just one log for the fire?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09HE VOMITS
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Sorry.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17Oh...
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Well, that's dinner sorted.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26All that poo. So disgusting.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Yeah. I love it! LAUGHS
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Ah, it's good to be back home. I've missed all of this.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35And I'm not the only one who likes their home comforts.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Yeah, take Queen Victoria.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40As well as Great Britain and Ireland,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43she reigned over the whole British Empire.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47In fact, she ruled over more countries than anyone in history.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50But, funnily enough, she didn't like travelling.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53When Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli
0:24:53 > 0:24:57decided to make her Empress of India in 1876,
0:24:57 > 0:25:01you'd think she'd go and visit the place. Right? Right?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Wrong!
0:25:03 > 0:25:05MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:11 > 0:25:13# It's good to be boss and Queen Victoria
0:25:13 > 0:25:15# But what if all the world's other leaders ignore ya?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19# Rule the world's biggest empire, but who does that impress?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23# When even my own subjects don't know me as Empress
0:25:23 > 0:25:25# Sort it, Disraeli, you're PM in charge
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# I suppose if I had to I could tie it to the raj
0:25:28 > 0:25:29# The plan, Your Highness, to prevent your sense of injure
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# I hereby name you Empress of India
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# Empress of India, that'll do me
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# Queen of the Ganges, ruler of Karachi
0:25:40 > 0:25:44# Mother of Madras, commander of Kashmir
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# All I say is...
0:25:46 > 0:25:50# I-I-I-I-I'm...
0:25:50 > 0:25:51# ...staying here!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01# The vast land of India is all very well
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# But there's no place like home, I prefer a sewage smell
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# Don't you love Bombay spices And the jewels of Hyderabad?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# They are shipped to England
0:26:09 > 0:26:11# Go fetch 'em, I've been mad
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# That Indian famine's no fun for a newcomer
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# Prefer the Isle of Wight for my Indian summer
0:26:16 > 0:26:17- # Calcutta's very nice - # We'd better have no quarrel
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# Frankly, Benji, bread's buttered better in Balmoral
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# Empress of India
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Title sounds good
0:26:24 > 0:26:25# Don't want to go there
0:26:26 > 0:26:28# Maybe you should
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# Mysore, not sure
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# Won't go to Gujarati
0:26:32 > 0:26:34# That's a shame
0:26:34 > 0:26:38# There...ere...ere...ere...ere's...
0:26:38 > 0:26:39# ...a fabulous party!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# Bagpipers played tunes beyond compare
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# Viceroy announced with guns fired in the air
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# The rajahs jumped, gave the elephants a scare
0:26:49 > 0:26:51# Stampeded, killing natives, most unfair!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# But the party didn't stop for a bit for a bit of blood and gore
0:26:53 > 0:26:55# Thousands of leaders feast and become more
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# The biggest bally party you ever did see
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# There's only one thing that's missing
0:26:59 > 0:27:00# Me!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Empress of India
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Nothing would be finer
0:27:04 > 0:27:06# Own armfuls of Africa
0:27:06 > 0:27:07# And chunks of China
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# Queen of the world
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# Apart from Paris and Rome
0:27:12 > 0:27:14# Can't take her anywhere
0:27:14 > 0:27:17# I-I-I-I-I'm...
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# ...staying home! #
0:27:20 > 0:27:24I quite agree, Miss Vicky. I'm staying home, too.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Right, so, this is what I've learned
0:27:27 > 0:27:30about the world from my historical travels.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33It may be full of beautiful and exotic places,
0:27:33 > 0:27:38but it was also full of tyrannical rulers, war, explosions, massacres,
0:27:38 > 0:27:43more explosions, armies led by maniacs, even more explosions.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Er, but on the other hand,
0:27:44 > 0:27:48if we didn't go travelling, there'd be no souvenirs.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And if we didn't have souvenirs,
0:27:50 > 0:27:53then I'd never have met my new friend, Cattus.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56Goodbye!
0:27:56 > 0:27:58All right, you can stop waving now.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01No, really, you can stop waving.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05No, really, stop waving. It's really annoying.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Seriously, stop waving!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# Tall tales, atrocious acts
0:28:11 > 0:28:12# We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz
0:28:14 > 0:28:15# We chose you all the juicy bits
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# Hope you enjoyed...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28# Horrible Histories! #