0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:12# Smashing saints, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil Wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:32 > 0:00:34FANFARE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:01:02 > 0:01:03What?
0:01:23 > 0:01:25The new hit series...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Here's Daddy!
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Alfred, what ya doin'?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34What?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Just reading my book, Father.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41You're such a disappointment, Alfred.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Why aren't you always fighting, like your brothers?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Why doesn't my name start with Aethel, like all my brothers?
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Because Aethel means prince and you're the youngest,
0:01:53 > 0:01:54so you'll never be king.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56But my name means, "Elf wisdom."
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It's so girlie.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Compared to Aethel.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01You want to read something? Read that.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08One day, boys, all this will be yours.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10THEY CHEER
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Well, not this bit. Obviously.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16This bit's a different kingdom.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18OK, right.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19So's this.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Vikings have had a bite out of this.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Oh!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26One day, boys. This will all be yours.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- That's good. It's enough. - The kingdom of Wessex.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Whoa! Share it nicely.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35My boys.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38HE GROANS
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Right, brothers. Now that he's dead...
0:02:40 > 0:02:43No point in sharing with elf boy.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45He'll never be king!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Not unless we all drop dead from a variety of
0:02:47 > 0:02:51almost certainly natural ailments.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53HE WHIMPERS
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Now there's three left.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Oh.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Two.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Oh, dear.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06HE GROANS
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I'm joking. I'm actually fine.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11So, Aethelstan, Aethelthing
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and Aethel...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16..the others are all dead,
0:03:16 > 0:03:19which means I am the king.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And you, younger brother,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23are suddenly heir to the throne.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Will you help run my army?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29- OK.- Good, cos the Vikings are coming.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32You take that, I'll catch up.
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Great(!)
0:03:36 > 0:03:37Catch it, now.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41So, Alfred, his brother and their Saxon followers
0:03:41 > 0:03:45had to defend their kingdom against the pesky pagan Vikings.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48The Vikings were fearsome invaders from Scandinavia,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51famous for sailing across the seas in their longboats
0:03:51 > 0:03:55and attacking all across Northern Europe.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58The Vikings believed in lots of different Norse gods
0:03:58 > 0:04:01like Thor, the god of thunder. Yeah.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05But the Saxons were Christians and they took their beliefs seriously.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08And I mean seriously, seriously.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Men of Wessex,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13we shall defeat the Vikings
0:04:13 > 0:04:15by dividing our army into two.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17ALL: Yeah.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I, King Aethelred, will lead one half,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21while my other brother Alfred...
0:04:21 > 0:04:22HE WHIMPERS
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Will lead the other.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24VIKING FANFARE
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Ah, the Vikings approach.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27Quite fast.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30There's no time to lose.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Let us pray!
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Our father, who art in heaven, forever and ever, amen.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Ahhh!
0:04:43 > 0:04:44HE CONTINUES TO PRAY
0:04:44 > 0:04:47And the boats, the long ones... What are they called...?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Longboats...- What are you doing? - Obvious when you think about it.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Er, sorry, still praying.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53OK, it's just there's 800 Vikings out there
0:04:53 > 0:04:55and we are kind of outnumbered.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Yeah, that's why I'm having an extra strong pray.
0:04:58 > 0:04:59OK, you do that.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01I'll keep them busy till you're ready.
0:05:01 > 0:05:02Ah!
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Sorry, Lord, can't get a moment's peace around here.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- ALFRED SCREAMS - How is it going?
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Haven't really got going, to be honest?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14OK, well the battle really has got going
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- and we're kind of outnumbered here. So...- Crikey.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21I better get these prayers right or we really will be in trouble.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22HE SCREAMS
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Our father, eh, no. Dear Lord... That one's a bit formal.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27SAXON SCREAMS
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I'll cut to the chase, please let me win the Battle of Ashdown, amen.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34All right, coming ready or not.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36HE SHOUTS
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Well, that was easy.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40We did it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42We actually beat the Vikings.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I don't know about the "we" there, Alfie, I did all the heavy praying.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I actually really hurt my knee.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Still, I owe you one, big guy!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Thanks, brother.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52I wasn't talking to you.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57HE EXCLAIMS
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Alfred may have fought the Vikings, but in some parts of the country,
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Vikings and Saxons learned to live side by side.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06They might have been terrifying, but the Vikings brought lots
0:06:06 > 0:06:12of things to Britain, including a strange new way of talking.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13Oh, hello, Ona.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16How's that flaxen tunic I sold you?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20Oh, it's so fab. I really loved the way that it fell apart immediately
0:06:20 > 0:06:23that I put it on, and how much it smelled of sheep's wee(!)
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Oh, great.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26I was being sarcastic.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- What?- Sarcastic.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29It's a way of insulting people
0:06:29 > 0:06:31us Vikings probably brought from Scandinavia.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Basically, you say the opposite of what you mean
0:06:33 > 0:06:35but in a really sneery tone of voice.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh, right.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40So, you didn't like the fact that it fell apart or the fact
0:06:40 > 0:06:42that it smells of sheep's wee?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Wow, she's a genius(!)
0:06:44 > 0:06:46What a clever Saxon woman you are(!)
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Oh, thank you very much.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Oh, hold on a minute, that was sarcastic, wasn't it?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I'm sorry you weren't happy with the clothes.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I'll tell you what, to make up for it,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01why don't you choose anything you like from the shop free of charge?
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Well, I do need a gift for my wife.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Look, if you're going to be like that, I'm not going to help you.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- No, I really do, we're going through a rocky patch.- Oh, I see.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12I thought you didn't need a gift
0:07:12 > 0:07:13because you said you did need a gift.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That wasn't me being sarcastic,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I didn't use the sneery tone of voice.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19I get it, hold on.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Why don't you get your beautiful wife this lovely handful of dirt,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Then she'll smell even nicer than she does already(?)
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Well done, I'm definitely not going to kill you now.- Great.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Sorry, I've been hanging out with Saxons too long, I forgot the tone of voice.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Well done, definitely not going to kill you now(!)
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Oh, I get it.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Oh!
0:07:43 > 0:07:45SHE SCREAMS
0:07:45 > 0:07:47For my wife.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50So, back to Alfred, the boy who would never be king.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Wrong!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55His brother, Aethelred, died fighting the Vikings
0:07:55 > 0:07:59and, against all the odds, Alfred became the top man.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03At first, he was forced to retreat and hide in a farmhouse where,
0:08:03 > 0:08:08legend has it, he was asked to watch some cakes cooking in the oven.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11But forgot and burnt them instead.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Whatever the truth of that, he did come up with a cunning plan.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18To beat a Viking army, he would fight like a Viking army.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Hit and run.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Mind you, if I ever seen a Viking, I'd just do the second bit.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25VIKING FANFARE
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Run!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38# I had four brothers Future kings, every man
0:08:38 > 0:08:42# Aethelbald, Aethelred, Aethelburton, Aethelstan
0:08:42 > 0:08:46# I'm not an Aethel but I'll end up being king
0:08:46 > 0:08:49# They mostly ended up the wrong end of a Viking
0:08:49 > 0:08:53# Every time I spoke to Viking Guthrum to try to broker peace
0:08:53 > 0:08:55# He always seemed to break his promise
0:08:55 > 0:08:57# So, ceasefire had to cease
0:08:57 > 0:09:00# His armies entered Exeter I caused him strife
0:09:00 > 0:09:05# But he fought back so now I'm fighting for my life
0:09:05 > 0:09:09# I'm out of town I'm in retreat
0:09:09 > 0:09:11# Don't want to end up as Viking meat
0:09:13 > 0:09:16# I've hurried off, I am upset
0:09:16 > 0:09:18# Hiding in the marshes of Somerset
0:09:21 > 0:09:24# I'm on the run Though I'm supposed to be top man
0:09:24 > 0:09:28# Think I'm beat but this is neat It's my royal master plan
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# I know this land so well I'll catch him hit and run
0:09:31 > 0:09:35# Mount attacks on Viking shacks It's like I've won
0:09:35 > 0:09:39# On the Isle Of Athelney is where great legends all began
0:09:39 > 0:09:43# People say that while I was there I burnt cakes in a pan
0:09:43 > 0:09:46# They say there was nothing left but smouldering cakey goo
0:09:46 > 0:09:49# Is this story real? I must admit it's not true
0:09:51 > 0:09:55# I'm out of town, but now I see
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# A way to win Build a huge army
0:09:58 > 0:10:02# I'm hanging in I'm getting tough
0:10:02 > 0:10:05# Quite soon those Vikings will have had enough
0:10:08 > 0:10:12# Now with his army Guthrum's men I'm whipping them
0:10:12 > 0:10:14# They exit Exeter now chipper in Chippenham
0:10:14 > 0:10:17# Prove to the country I've got what it takes
0:10:17 > 0:10:19# But all people ask though
0:10:19 > 0:10:23# "Is it true about the cakes?"
0:10:23 > 0:10:27# I win the fight I am the king
0:10:27 > 0:10:30# Tough like my brothers Kill the Viking
0:10:30 > 0:10:34# I'm number one, I am the boss
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# You mess with me and that'll be your loss
0:10:37 > 0:10:41# I won the war Came out on top
0:10:41 > 0:10:45# Viking roaming needs to stop
0:10:45 > 0:10:48# Raised the stakes I got the breaks
0:10:48 > 0:10:53# But I didn't really burn the cakes. #
0:10:55 > 0:10:57So, Alfred defeated the Vikings
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and he definitely didn't burn the cakes, OK?!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Well, probably not anyway.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04But over in China they were
0:11:04 > 0:11:07scoffing on some very strange stuff at the court of great empress
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Wu Zetian.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Wu better believe it(!)
0:11:13 > 0:11:16GEORDIE ACCENTS: Hello! Yes, it's I'm A Tang Celebrity,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18live from eighth-century China.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Joining us for the bushtucker trial.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24It's tangtastic ruler, Empress Wu Zetian
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Wey-aye, Wu!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29So, Wu. You could say, you're a powerful Wu-man(!)
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Ho-ho! Nice!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Now, you've had to murder lots of people to get them to talk.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38But can you cope with...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40..hornet larvae?
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- Basically maggots.- Nice!
0:11:44 > 0:11:45Oh, she's eating it.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47In that case, how about...
0:11:49 > 0:11:51..cockroach?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Oh, lovely!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh, disgusting.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Boiled camel hump!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh, to die for!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03THEY BOTH GROAN
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Oh, it's gorgeous!
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Bamboo Rat!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Yuck!- The tail's the best bit for me.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- Not the tail.- Oh.- Jellyfish!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14A juicy bit!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- It's making me feel... - I think I'm going to...
0:12:17 > 0:12:19THEY RETCH Steamed bear.
0:12:19 > 0:12:23You do know in Tang China these are things we normally eat. Ooh!
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Stop, stop, stop.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29You've passed the bushtucker trial.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Disgusting!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Here's your prize, ten pounds of sirloin steak
0:12:34 > 0:12:36to share with your royal court, well done.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38What? Beef?!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40I can't eat that.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Oxen are used by Tang farmers
0:12:43 > 0:12:47to pull their carts and plough fields.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51How dare you eat such a useful animal!
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- SHE YELLS INAUDIBLY - I'm a Geordie, get us out of here!
0:12:54 > 0:12:55It was him.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oi! That rat was my cousin.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Actually, it's all right. I've got about 6,000.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Still, I'm glad she doesn't have any beef with me!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Ha-ha! Now, back in England...
0:13:07 > 0:13:11King Alfred needed to show everyone he was the real royal deal
0:13:11 > 0:13:15by proving he had lots of impressive relatives.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18So, he got in a Welsh monk called Asser,
0:13:18 > 0:13:22who knew plenty about Alfred's family history...
0:13:22 > 0:13:25..and even more about making stuff up.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Now that you're kind, Sire, people want to know all about you.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- So, we've got to write your family tree.- Oh, that's easy.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm Alfred, son of Aethelwulf, son of Egbert,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41son of Ealmund of Kent, son of Eofa, son of Ingild.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- And before that? - How far do you want to go back?
0:13:43 > 0:13:44- The Bible?- Yes.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Noah would be nice.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Noah? As in, "The animals go in two by two." That Noah?- Yes.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Well.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Hang on, according to the Bible,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56isn't everyone technically descended from Noah?
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Exactly, so we've just got to fill in the gaps.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I don't really know.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Oh, why don't you say you're descended from Cerdic?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Anglo-Saxon kings don't come much bigger than Cerdic.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh, but I'm not sure if I am.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13But you're not sure if you're not?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Oh, look, there it is in black and white,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22you are descended from Cerdic.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24So, you are a descendant of Sceald.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28And he was the grandson of Bedwig,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30whose dad was Sceal,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32and you know who his dad was?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Noah?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Congratulations, Sire. HE LAUGHS
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Sire!- Ooh!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- We've made peace with the Vikings... - Good news
0:14:39 > 0:14:41..but in order to be accepted amongst them,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43they just need a few details of your family tree.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46No problemo. Tell them I am descended from Noah.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49THE Noah. They'll love that, they all converted to Christianity.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51They haven't yet, Sire.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I think it might be better if you were descended from someone
0:14:54 > 0:14:55a bit more Viking-ish.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, but I'm not.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Of course we have only looked at your father's side...
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Go on.- Well...
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It turns out your mother was descended from
0:15:06 > 0:15:08the great Viking god Woden.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11"It turns out." Did it really?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Yes, Woden with a W.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15The mighty Viking god Woden and Noah?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19This is unbelievable, you couldn't make this stuff up.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Well, I wouldn't go that far, Sire.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26When I was a young prince, my brother and I did our best
0:15:26 > 0:15:28to fight off those nasty Vikings,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31but other English royals had less success.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Guess how Vikings executing King Aelle of Northumbria.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Did they...?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50The answer is B.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54It's called the blood eagle which is a truly gruesome punishment.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Why can't people just be nice to each other, eh?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Honestly...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Alfred was a great warrior,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03but he was also known for being really brainy,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05for improving Saxon education
0:16:05 > 0:16:08and for coming up with his very own inventions.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Hey, welcome back to the Historical Shopping Channel.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- We are thrilled to have King Alfred with us today- ...The Great.
0:16:14 > 0:16:15King Alfred The Great.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I'm trying it out.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I'll tell you what is great, your thrilling new book.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Is it about killing Vikings?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24No, it about how the church should care for its flock.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25- By killing Vikings?- No.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29I'm trying to put the put the whole "killing Vikings" thing behind me.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Actually, it comes with a free gift.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Is that for killing Vikings?
0:16:32 > 0:16:33No, it's for pointing.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- At dead Vikings? - At words, in the book.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's worth 50 gold coins.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Wait, that's more than the book's worth.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44- Well, as in 50 gold coins with every sale?- Yep.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Right, well, do you have anything else
0:16:46 > 0:16:49which we could make some of the money back with?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51I do, this incredible candle clock
0:16:51 > 0:16:54which I hasten to add, I invented myself.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56So, you know when it's Viking slaughter o'clock?
0:16:56 > 0:16:59No, so I know when it's prayer, studies and kingly duties o'clock.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Right, what's wrong with a sundial?
0:17:02 > 0:17:03It doesn't work at night, does it?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06These babies are 24/7!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Atchoo!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Do many people call you great?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12That is a design flaw, I'll admit.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15So, Alfred ended up with a pretty great nickname.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18But not all kings of the time were quite so lucky.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23HE GRUNTS
0:17:23 > 0:17:30Grandson of Charlemagne, emperor of ze franks. I am...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Pprrfft!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Count of Barcelona, Count of Urgell,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Count of Cerdanya, Count of Girona.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I am...
0:17:44 > 0:17:46SNORING
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I put the Viking armies across the North Sea.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I created a kingdom.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I am Ragnar, and I don't have a silly nickname.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58All right, Ragnar Hairy Trousers.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02King of Scotland.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04CHICKEN CLUCKS
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Aye.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08SNORING CONTINUES
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Hello! I'm down here.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13I am king of ze Franks.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Pepin The Short, obviously.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Oh, forget it!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22I am the man who united Norway and Denmark.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27SNORING CONTINUES
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oh, sorry, lost track of time.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33First recognised King Of Denmark.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41So, people around the world in Alfred's time had some
0:18:41 > 0:18:44pretty unusual names and they had some
0:18:44 > 0:18:47very unusual ideas about medicine too.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50PHONES RING
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Horrible Histories Health Direct,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54you've come through to the Saxon era.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56What is the nature of your medical complaint?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Tummy trouble? Oh, I am sorry!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:19:03 > 0:19:04Now, tell me, dear.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09Have you been attacked by elves or dwarves in the past couple of days?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11No, real dwarves for elves.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Beards, pointy ears. Yes, yes?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18No? Oh, well that's useful to know.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23We Saxons believe that many illnesses are caused by supernatural attacks.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But not in your case? OK.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29So, for runny bottoms,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32you will need to...
0:19:32 > 0:19:38Ah! Cut nine strips of bramble bush and boil them in milk.
0:19:38 > 0:19:43OK, if that doesn't work, my Mayan colleague is suggesting chocolate.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Then again, he always does.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48It doesn't matter if it's diarrhoea or acne.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Chocolate!
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Thank you for calling. Bye!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Horrible Histories Health Direct,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58you've come through to the Saxon era.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I'm Aziz from Egypt.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02What is the nature of your medical complaint?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Stomach troubles.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08You called earlier and it's getting worse?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10- Dwarves and elves?- I did tell him.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16No, I don't think any of that is likely.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19But we do have a fully functioning hospital in Cairo
0:20:19 > 0:20:20in the Saxon era,
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and our medical team can treat you there and
0:20:23 > 0:20:26you can stay while you recover.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Oh, and some chocolate can't hurt.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Chocolate!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Hello, me again.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Annoyingly those Vikings are still a problem,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41so I've cunningly built a navy to
0:20:41 > 0:20:43stop them sailing their longships up our rivers.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47In fact, I'm known as the father of the British Navy.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50But what teensy problem have we had with our new Navy?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01The answer, would you believe it,
0:21:01 > 0:21:02is B.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You might think bigger is better, but our huge longships
0:21:05 > 0:21:08keep getting stuck in the mud when the tide goes up.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Whereas the smaller Viking ships can sail away.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I think there's only one solution.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Build bigger rivers.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Actually, that sounds like quite a lot of work, ignore that.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Yeah, get your thinking crown on, Alfred.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Over in Rome, a new Pope had an interesting idea about
0:21:25 > 0:21:28how to make his mark as leader of the Catholic church.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33I say interesting, it was in fact, completely bonkers!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36It's time for another one of History's Craziest Fools.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46You ought to see it, there's a big beaver on my lilo!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48History has shown us, yeah,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51that sometimes crazy fools find themselves in positions
0:21:51 > 0:21:54of great power, which can mean only one thing.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Stupid stuff goes down, bro.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Down.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01His holiness, Judge Pope Stephen VI.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02I thought I had a long name.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06When King Alfred was around, this guy was Pope in Rome
0:22:06 > 0:22:08and wanted to make himself look better
0:22:08 > 0:22:11by dissing the Pope who came before him.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15I put it to you, Pope Formosus, that you became the Pope illegally.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Are you, or are you not guilty?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18How do you plead?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20That is not cool, bruv.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Your silence is damning Pope Formosus.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26That's hardly his fault. He is innocent.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Then why has he been hiding underground?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Because he has been dead for a year, in a grave!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35JURY SIGHS
0:22:35 > 0:22:38That's right, they put a dead guy on trial.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40We've had enough of your games, Pope Formosus,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42we can see right through you.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Guilty!
0:22:47 > 0:22:51What? You're the only guilty one here, you lunchbox.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Guilty of being a papaly, crazy, holy fool.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59History proves, once again, that just because someone is in charge,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01doesn't mean that they aren't crazier
0:23:01 > 0:23:04than a frog on a rollercoaster with a wig on.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06So, stay away from stupid, all right?
0:23:09 > 0:23:11No, it's not quinoa, it's keen-wah.
0:23:32 > 0:23:33THEY GIGGLE
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Bottom!- Come on, grow up!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Grow up? HE CACKLES
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Asser, my trusted adviser. What business have we today?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44We have messages from all the great men over Europe, Your Majesty.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46They mean to compliment us on our victory over the Vikings
0:23:46 > 0:23:48and the great country that we've built.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50We must be the talk of Europe.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Yep. Shall I, eh...
0:23:53 > 0:23:54..put a cushion down, Sire?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59No, why should I have a cushion?
0:23:59 > 0:24:01(I told you not to mention my bottom problems.)
0:24:01 > 0:24:02(I'm meant to be a great king,)
0:24:02 > 0:24:05(I don't want everyone talking about my backside.)
0:24:05 > 0:24:07(You don't think they know, do you?)
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Oh, Sire, you've had piles for 20 years now
0:24:10 > 0:24:12but I don't see how anyone could know.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14HE SQUEALS
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yes, all right, all right.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21If they're not all talking about my bottom, then why all the cushions?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Oh, it's a coincidence, Your Majesty.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26When I prayed to God to make me ill so I could focus on my work,
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I was not expecting an attack from the rear.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29HE WHIMPERS
0:24:29 > 0:24:30THEY GIGGLE
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Still, as long as no-one's talking about it. Approach.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I bring world from Jerusalem.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41The head of my church has taken a great interest in
0:24:41 > 0:24:43what is happening here in Britain.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45I told you, Asser.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Our schools, our new towns, our legal codes
0:24:47 > 0:24:49are the talk of Europe.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I bring herbs and spices.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55It's a good one, for your...
0:24:55 > 0:24:57how you say, runny, botty splats?
0:24:59 > 0:25:04All right, that's it. I've had enough. No more talk about bottoms.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07The next person who mentions backsides will be in
0:25:07 > 0:25:09a lot of trouble, is that clear?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Asser? - THEY CHUCKLE
0:25:11 > 0:25:13No, that's his name!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14That's his name!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17HE SQUEALS IN AGONY
0:25:17 > 0:25:19My bummy bum.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20HE WHIMPERS
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Ouchy!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Despite the pain in his bum,
0:25:25 > 0:25:30Alfred ruled successfully until he died in 899,
0:25:30 > 0:25:31aged 50 years old,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34and passed the rule down to his son,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Edward the Elder.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Alfred had defended his kingdom against the vicious Vikings
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and laid the foundations for the country that would become England.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Not bad for a bloke who wasn't called Aethel.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# My grizzly interviews
0:25:54 > 0:25:59# Chatty Death, Chatty Death The dead and famous too. #
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Yeah, well, that's the problem with eating curry
0:26:01 > 0:26:02when you're a skeleton, isn't it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Goes right though you.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Ooh! Welcome back to Chatty Death.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Time for my next guest.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14He's a former king of the Anglo-Saxons.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Please welcome Alfred The Great!
0:26:17 > 0:26:21WIND BLOWS
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Tough crowd.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24So, Alfred The Great.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26How's life now you're dead?
0:26:26 > 0:26:28People still call me that?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Alfred The Great? - HE LAUGHS
0:26:30 > 0:26:32That is great!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Yeah, all right, mate. I'll do the jokes.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I'm sorry. I know it's your show,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39It's just nice to know my efforts to defeat the Danes
0:26:39 > 0:26:42and unite the Anglo-Saxons under one king were appreciated.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"The Great!"
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Yeah, it's better than being forgotten like
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- King Thingamajig The Whatshisname. - Oh, I can rest easy.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Yeah, wherever you are.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52What do you mean?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I was buried in the great church in Winchester.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Well, you were...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Why don't you tell him for a change? You tell him? Shall I tell him?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03All right.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Well, you were buried in Winchester,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- but then you were dug up and moved to a new church.- What?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11And then you were dug up and moved to Hyde Abbey.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14And then Hyde Abbey was demolished by King Henry VIII.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- So, what's happened to my body? - No idea, mate.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Could be anywhere.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I demand to know what happened to my body.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Demand all you like, mate, no-ones got a clue.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Although, I could arrange a tip off.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Thank you, that'd be much appreciated.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Here's your tip-off, mate.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35ALFRED WAILS
0:27:35 > 0:27:37HE LAUGHS
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Alfred The Great, there, everybody.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Oh, yes. No, I liked him too.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I think I'll miss him.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49I suppose we could always call him up on the Anglo Saxophone.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Seriously? Nobody laughed at that?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56I'm wasted here.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:27:58 > 0:28:00# Hope next time it's not you. #
0:28:02 > 0:28:05It's the only book I've ever read in my life.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06There's no words.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08You'll like it.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:11I can't run,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I'm screwed to the table.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:16 > 0:28:18# Hope you enjoyed...
0:28:18 > 0:28:22# Horrible Histories! #