0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description, cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians,
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes, punishments from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:14 > 0:00:15# Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages, mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Welcome to HOR-RIBLE HIST-OR-IES. #
0:00:32 > 0:00:33FANFARE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:01:15 > 0:01:19Previously on 'Mary Queen of Scots'...
0:01:21 > 0:01:25..to King James V of Scotland.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Great news, Your Majesty. Your wife's had a baby girl.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Your Majesty?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Your Majesty! Your Majesty!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43No, he's dead!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I crown you...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Mary, Queen of Scots.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56FANFARE
0:02:00 > 0:02:03An infant Queen forced to flee Scotland,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06as her mother receives shock news.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11Henry Ze Eighth wants Mary to marry his son, Prince Edward?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Over my dead body!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Mary, you are going to France.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Pick four friends to take with you.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Hmm, Mary, Mary, Mary and Mary.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26That'll be fun at Passport Control!
0:02:26 > 0:02:28A Scottish Queen
0:02:28 > 0:02:31sent to live in France.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Get, get. Welcome to France.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Now, first things first, let us get you a boyfriend.
0:02:39 > 0:02:44Forced to marry at 17, but destined for the French throne.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You may now kiss the bride.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Er, my father is dead!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Oh.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05Now, I am King and you are Queen of France.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Get in! Yes!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Eh?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- FRENCH ACCENT:- We shall rule France and Scotland together
0:03:12 > 0:03:14for decades to come.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18I don't know. I don't feel so well.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21HE SNIFFS
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Mary, Queen of Scots and France...
0:03:26 > 0:03:28HE SNEEZES
0:03:31 > 0:03:32FRENCH ACCENT: Oh, Mary.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- ALL:- Yes, m'lady?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Oh, not you, Mary, Mary or Mary. YOU, Mary!
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Yes, m'lady.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I was just thinking how happy I am here in France,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44compared to dreary old Scotland.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48The weather is better, the fashion is better,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51the food is so much better.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Mm, yes, m'lady. Scotland is rubbish.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- You shut your gegy!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58That's my bonnie wee Scotland you're running doon there!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00FRENCH ACCENT: But, you're right.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Ze day we arrived in France from Scotland
0:04:03 > 0:04:07was ze 'appiest day of my life.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Now, Mary...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- ALL:- Yes, m'lady?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13You, Mary, fetch me my little doggie.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16Yes, m'lady.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17- ALL:- Aah!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Oh, look what I 'ave stitched.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I have made a new coat for my little doggie.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I am so 'appy!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29But, m'lady, isn't King Francis still unwell, huh?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32I hear he is bravely fighting for his life.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Ah, no, he's just being a sickly little softie, as per usual.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40He only has an earache. You cannot die of an earache.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41DOOR OPENS
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- SOBS:- King Francis has died of earache!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45THEY GASP
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- Huh, apparently you can. - Oh, my darling son!
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Hold on a minute, if Francis is no longer King,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55does that mean zat I am in charge?
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No, I am,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02and you, Mary, are going straight back to Scotland.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07Hmm, um, which, erm, Mary is that?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- M'lady?- ALL OF YOU!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11THEY GASP
0:05:11 > 0:05:14SCOTTISH ACCENT: Jings! That's a pure wee downer, that!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18So, widowed Mary was sent packing across the Channel
0:05:18 > 0:05:19back to Scotland.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Mary was known for her love of clothes and fashion,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26but it wasn't just Tudor women who dressed in extravagant ways.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Hey.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37How you doing?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Erm, I'm all right.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Actually a bit 'ruff'.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, ho!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- New ruff?- 11-incher. - Really?- Well, rough guess.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- IMITATES REVERSING LORRY: - EEER! EEER! EEER!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Hey!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Guess who's here.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, sorry I'm late.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Nice ruff.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Oh, thank you, yeah. Rough time putting it on.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yeah, all those pins and bleaching.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Yeah, like, really rough on your hands.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I would not want to be out there right now.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Rough weather can be so rough on the ruff.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Ooh, true dat.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Ooh!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22HE SPLUTTERS
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Man, you look well...
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- What's the word?- Rough?- Yeah.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29HE WHIMPERS
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Ooh, I smell soup!
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- There's a problem with these spoons, waitress.- Oh, waitress!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- She's gone.- That is no way to run a business.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Ooh! Hey, hi! The old human spoon trick, huh?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Thank you.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Although, they do look a bit ridiculous, though.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Yeah, well, you've got to take the rough with the smooth, haven't you?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Spoooo-ooon!
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Boys, soup for one and soup for all.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Hey, let's eat!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15You, you soup-spoon me, I'll soup-spoon you.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17You do him. I do you.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I do me?- You do him. I do you.
0:07:20 > 0:07:2316th century fashion might have been strange,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26but 16th century food could be pretty weird too.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- I'm Mar.. - I'm Paul Hollybush.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Er, and I'm Mary, Queen of Scones.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Let's see what our bakers can impress us with this week.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41For our signature bake challenge, we're going to ask them to both make
0:07:41 > 0:07:43- a simple loaf of...- It's Tudor bread...- ..Tudor bread from
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- the reign of Mary Queen of Scots. - ..Queen of Scots.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- So, Gilbert... - So, Gilbert, what have you gone for?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50A brown loaf, Mary,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53which in Tudor times would have been the cheaper sort of bread
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- eaten by poor people in the taverns and so forth.- Oh, poor people.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Yeah, the white bread would have only been for the wealthy
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- and posh types and so forth. - Percy, what...
0:08:02 > 0:08:05And Percy, what do you have planned for us?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Er, biscuit bread Mary with aniseed and coriander.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11- Oh. - Do you not like biscuit bread?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, no, I'm still thinking about the poor people.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15That does sound lovely.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Get baking!- Get baking! - I just said that.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Let's see how the biscuit bread is coming along.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Percy, you don't seem happy with your bake?
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Oh, no, it's fine. It's just that this traditional Tudor recipe
0:08:41 > 0:08:44means that I have to pummel it with a length of wood for two hours
0:08:44 > 0:08:47before it's even remotely ready to bake.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- This biscuit bread's going to take some beating.- Very good, Mary.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51HE SLAMS
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Ha! Ha!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55HE SLAMS
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Ha!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- Where is it?- Er, it's not here. Yeah, most Tudors didn't have ovens
0:09:02 > 0:09:06so they'd send their dough off to bakers instead.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Oh, here it comes now.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- Ah, it's a really soggy bottom. - Sorry, I sat on a wet bench.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22No!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24FRENCH ACCENT: Cuckoo! How's it going?
0:09:24 > 0:09:26I am Mary. I am 18.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I am a Queen and I am single, again.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33If you are interested and you are a prince or a powerful noble
0:09:33 > 0:09:37who can help me hold on to my throne, then drop me a line.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41But don't wait around though, because I won't be single long!
0:09:41 > 0:09:44SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm pure fit, me! Mmm!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Mary's return to Scotland didn't please everyone,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50especially not Queen Elizabeth I.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53You see, Mary was Elizabeth's cousin
0:09:53 > 0:09:56with her own strong claim to rule England.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Feisty Elizabeth felt threatened.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01There was only space for one royal bum on that throne.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Let the rivalry begin!
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Tudor Togs presents Princess Dress-Up.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Every little girl wants to be a Queen and now,
0:10:11 > 0:10:15Tudor Togs have two fabulous outfits for her to choose from.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18How about Queen Elizabeth I of England?
0:10:19 > 0:10:23The Protestant Queen of England with no European allies, no husband
0:10:23 > 0:10:25and no children to slow her down.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Failure to get married carried out at monarch's own risk.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Prospects for the Tudor Dynasty may go up or down.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I can hear you, you know!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Or how about Mary Queen of Scots?
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Tall, beautiful, young, fashionable. Adored around Europe.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41All right! We get the idea!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Through her father James V of Scotland and her grandmother,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Margaret Tudor, she has Tudor AND Stuart claim to the English throne.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Le double whammy!
0:10:48 > 0:10:52With strong ties to Europe because she's Catholic and a bit French.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- I'll take both. - You can't have both!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56These outfits must be sold separately
0:10:56 > 0:10:58as the two monarchs are never seen in the same room.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Tudor Togs, because every little girl deserves to be a Queen.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03No liabilities accepted for death
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and treason plots incurred whilst wearing our outfits.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Dressing up as royalty is a punishable offence.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Argh!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Tudor Togs, get them before they get you!
0:11:15 > 0:11:20So, while the Queen v Queen rivalry was really heating up,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23ambitious Mary met and married her second husband,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26the Scottish noble, Lord Darnley.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Oh, he's dreamy.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32But Darnley was so annoying and upset so many people,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34the other Scottish nobles had him killed.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Not so dreamy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38FRENCH ACCENT: Hello, hi. How is it going?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42I am Mary. I am 25 and I am single...again,
0:11:42 > 0:11:48and looking for my, erm, Francis, Darnley...THIRD husband.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I'd like to say my second husband died of natural causes...
0:11:52 > 0:11:56SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..but his hoose was blown to bits and he was strangled!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59FRENCH ACCENT: Doesn't come much more unnatural zan zat.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You must 'ave your own army.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03I still have my own country,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06but it looks like I might have to fight for it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Would be great if you are a prince,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10but really, I just need someone who can...
0:12:10 > 0:12:14SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..smash my enemies into tiny wee bits!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17If Mary asks for me, I'm not available.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20While Mary was searching for another husband, life in the 1500s
0:12:20 > 0:12:24was developing in lots of different ways, from science to the cess-pit.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Hold your noses!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Oh, sorry.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42No, no, no, please, take a seat.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43BUBBLING NOISE
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- What's that?- That, sir, is Ajax,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50the first ever flushing privy, invented in 1596 by me.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Really? - Yes, Mr John Harrington.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Esteemed poet and godson to Queen Elizabeth herself,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59but you can call me Mr Toilet.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01No? Fair enough.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Nobody seems to want to shake Mr Toilet's hand.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Regard, one I made earlier.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10- Eurgh! What is wrong with you?! - It's very unpleasant, isn't it?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13But with the new Harrington loo, simply pull the lever...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15TOILET FLUSHES
0:13:15 > 0:13:17..and the doings are magically flushed away.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Prithee, the privy of the future.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Mind your feet.- Oh, man!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Yes, but I am working on that bit. - Do you mind?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Do you mind going away? - Each to their own.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Oh, hang on, erm, where's the paper?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Paper? Do you intend to write?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37- For afterwards.- Oh, I see!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Just use the same cloth as everyone else - Old faithful.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44You know what, never mind. Thanks.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Welcome to Amazing Scientists.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55CAT MIAOWS
0:13:55 > 0:13:58You know, some Tudors believed some pretty crazy stuff.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00They believed that unicorn horns could heal people.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02They also believed in unicorns,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05but the Tudors also did some amazing things.
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Think about it!
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Tudors knew stuff about space
0:14:08 > 0:14:10and they didn't even have the internet or loom bands!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Tudor science is amazing!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14But don't take my word for it.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17I'm about to meet one of the brainiest fellas of the Tudor times,
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Danish scientist, Tycho Brahe.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Hi, Brian.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Tycho, you're wearing a fake silver nose.- Yeah.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I imagine that's for a good scientific reason?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Certainly is. I lost my real nose in a fight about math.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32That's not science, that's just weird, but anyway, carry on.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- Just tell them about your amazing achievements.- Oh, yeah, sure.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- So, over the course of my career, I catalogued over 1,000 stars.- Wow!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I also invented numerous instruments designed to help study and measure
0:14:43 > 0:14:45the universe with astonishing accuracy.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- He's astronomically amazing!- Thanks.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Well, that's all from me... - I also had a fortune-telling dwarf.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Oh, you had to ruin it, didn't you?!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- He's called Jep and he lived under my desk.- Zip it!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58I also had an elk. I used to bring him to parties.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59I don't want to know.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Unfortunately, one day he fell down the stairs.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What was he doing on the stairs? Looking for the loo?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's a funny story. We'd been having a little bit of the drinky spinky.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, get out of it!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Tudor scientists, amazing, but weird.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Do you like to party?- No.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17FRENCH ACCENT: Now, my second husband, Lord Darnley,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20wanted to be King and he was an arrogant idiot
0:15:20 > 0:15:22who made lots of enemies.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Unfortunately he was killed.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29But what did I do to ze person who killed him?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Ah, ze answer is...'C'!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Pretty much everyone knows the Earl of Bothwell murdered Lord Darnley
0:15:43 > 0:15:46but I married him anyway.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13So miserable Mary was forced to flee from Scotland because the Scottish
0:16:13 > 0:16:17nobles thought her third husband was even worse than the one before.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19But when she escaped to England,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22she was arrested and put in prison by her cousin Queen Elizabeth,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25who was worried she was trying to steal the English throne.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27You couldn't make it up!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30FRENCH ACCENT: I am back in ze market again, looking for a husband,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Now, before I wanted a prince or someone with an army.
0:16:37 > 0:16:43Now I basically just want someone who isn't going to get killed.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Oh, and someone who can get me out of prison.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Elizabeth I has me locked up,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50so really you need to be someone she approves of.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54SCOTTISH ACCENT: Although I am up for a secret marriage alliance to
0:16:54 > 0:16:57a powerful Catholic who can help me smash England
0:16:57 > 0:17:00and take back what's rightfully mine!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02While Elizabeth kept Mary under lock and key,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06over near Greece, a war was being waged at sea.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11The naval battle of Lepanto was massive and massively weird.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15It's time for History's Craziest Fools!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Hey, you! Yeah, you!
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Quit picking your nose like a yoghurt and listen up, yeah!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I'm Mr H and I've been working hard searching through history
0:17:25 > 0:17:27to find the craziest fools that ever lived!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30These people are bad for your health, bruv!
0:17:30 > 0:17:35If you don't pay attention, so am I, for real fam, get it? Chill!
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Leave it! The naval battle of Lepanto 1571, yeah?
0:17:46 > 0:17:51The mighty Ottomans were up against the Spanish, Italian and Maltese
0:17:51 > 0:17:55fighting for the future of Europe, like in the football.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59The Ottoman captain can see that the enemy are too far away to fire at,
0:17:59 > 0:18:00so what's he going to do?
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Wait patiently and conserve energy for the battle ahead?
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Come on, everyone, dance, dance, dance!
0:18:08 > 0:18:11NOO! He's going to try and start a dance-off! What?!
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Dance!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16You'd better get the right tune, otherwise it is going to be whack!
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Now, if this guy had any sense, yeah,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21he would ignore the crazy Ottoman behaviour...
0:18:21 > 0:18:24- Oh, you can't touch this. - ..BUT HE DOESN'T!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Who? Me? Dance!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh, man, quit already!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33You're already making me seasick.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Now that the battle is done,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37you think things are going to get serious, right? WRONG!
0:18:37 > 0:18:41CANNON FIRE
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Not a so...
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Argh!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46This guy has just had his hand blown off
0:18:46 > 0:18:49and it takes like 100 years or something to grow it back!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51He needs to stop the bleeding.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54That is a pretty sensible idea.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56THEY CHEER
0:18:56 > 0:18:57But that definitely isn't!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59A chicken band-aid?!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Mate, chickens are for burgers.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What are you thinking, finger-licking fool!
0:19:03 > 0:19:07- Yeah, there's no more cannon balls. - What? What?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Here come the Spanish. The Ottomans are out of ammo! Oh, my days!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Think it's all over? Think again!
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Who needs cannon balls when we've got fresh fruit! Load!
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Aim!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Fire! Ha-ha!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Fire fruit at will!
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Ha-ha! Take that, you silly Spanish!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Know when to quit, citrus fruit fools.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32One glass of fool juice. All right!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Eurgh!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Remember, as long as we keep making history,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39history will keep making crazy fools.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Best advice I can give to you is to keep out of their way!
0:19:42 > 0:19:46Ha-ha! Until next time, stay away from stupid, y'all!
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Have we cut? Right, someone's taken my yoga mat.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56FRENCH ACCENT: I am still Mary Queen of Scots...
0:19:56 > 0:19:57just about.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59So zat is quite a strange name
0:19:59 > 0:20:03because I haven't spent zat much time in Scotland.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07In fact, how many years did I live there in total?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Ze answer is B!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I may be Queen of ze Scots,
0:20:20 > 0:20:24but I only lived zer for 12 years out of my entire life.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27Ze rest of the time I was living in France,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31wearing lovely dresses and for ze past 19 years, I have been
0:20:31 > 0:20:37held prisoner in England, whilst also wearing lovely dresses.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40SCOTTISH ACCENT: What? I cannae be seen in rags now, can I?
0:20:40 > 0:20:43What if Elizabeth I gets assassinated by one of my followers
0:20:43 > 0:20:47and I get made Queen of England?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49FRENCH ACCENT: Whoops! I 'ave said too much!
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Mary said she didn't want to kill Elizabeth
0:20:52 > 0:20:55and take the English throne, but Catholic plotters began
0:20:55 > 0:20:58writing letters to her planning exactly that.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Wooo!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Luckily for Queen Liz,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05her spy master, Lord Walsingham, was a sinister genius.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08He caught desperate Mary red-handed
0:21:08 > 0:21:11with enough evidence to put her on trial for treason.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14If found guilty she would be put to death,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18but Elizabeth wouldn't do that to her own cousin, would she?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Would she? What a terrible dilemma!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26# Is this a fair trial
0:21:26 > 0:21:29# Or just a mockery?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32# I am Queen Mary
0:21:32 > 0:21:36# With no escape from your trickery
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# No lawyer to depend
0:21:39 > 0:21:44# Or witnesses to defend me
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# Your honour
0:21:54 > 0:21:57# I killed no-one
0:21:57 > 0:22:00# You expect me to confess
0:22:00 > 0:22:04# Zat I'd bump off good Queen Bess
0:22:04 > 0:22:07# Treason
0:22:07 > 0:22:10# I call Walsingham
0:22:10 > 0:22:15# Lord Altringham cos these letters are fakes
0:22:18 > 0:22:22# For me, you're going down
0:22:24 > 0:22:27# I can prove they're real
0:22:27 > 0:22:33# And I was Queen of Scotland once, you clown
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# Please do not, carry on
0:22:35 > 0:22:39# You are guilty and now admit it
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# Mary's refusing to admit her guilt
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# What a shock, what a shame, a complete and utter scandal
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# Throckmorton and Babington
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# You said Queen Bess you'd have her done in
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- # To the scaffold! - # To the scaffold!
0:22:53 > 0:22:54- # To the scaffold! - # To the scaffold!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57# To the scaffold she must go-o-o-oo!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# I'm Queen, you're vile, I demand a fair trial
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# Goodness gracious, is that the time already?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07# Don't spare the horses, time to go home
0:23:08 > 0:23:12# If she's guilty, then I must sentence her to die
0:23:14 > 0:23:18# But that would make me a killer Queen so I...
0:23:19 > 0:23:24# Scary, don't want to do this, Mary
0:23:26 > 0:23:30# Not gonna get out of signing her death warrant-y!
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# Her death really matters
0:23:46 > 0:23:49# She made me enemies.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# Her death really matters...
0:23:55 > 0:23:58# to me!
0:23:59 > 0:24:03# Zat's not how my wig goes. #
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Tragic Mary died when she was 44 years old and Elizabeth regretted
0:24:12 > 0:24:16signing her own cousin's death warrant for the rest of her life.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Still, you could say Mary had the last laugh because when
0:24:19 > 0:24:24Elizabeth died, Mary's son became King James I of England.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Time to say goodbye, Mary!
0:24:28 > 0:24:33# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews
0:24:33 > 0:24:37# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, they're dead and famous too! #
0:24:38 > 0:24:41And she said... What? Oh, we're on.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Hello and welcome to Chatty Death,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47where it's time to welcome our next guest.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51So please put your hands together, or whatever you've got left,
0:24:51 > 0:24:56and go Mc-crazy for Mary, Queen of Scots!
0:24:59 > 0:25:03So, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza, Mazza!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Can I call you Mazza? - Call me, Mary! Queen of Scots!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09So, Madge, let's cut to the chase.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13How about telling us what you'd like your legacy to be?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- FRENCH ACCENT:- Zat I stood up for my rightful claim to ze throne
0:25:15 > 0:25:19against that rubbish Queen, my cousin Elizabeth.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24- Whatever happened to her, huh? - Well, erm, Elizabeth never married.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Well, I was married three times. Ah!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Yeah, I don't think that's better.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36Erm, well, did she meet a sticky end?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39If by sticky end, you mean she reigned for a glorious 44 years
0:25:39 > 0:25:41establishing a strong England free from the rule of Rome,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44defeated the Spanish and is remembered as possibly
0:25:44 > 0:25:47England's greatest ever monarch, then, yeah, didn't go too well!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Bah! Your bums out the windae!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51SCOTTISH ACCENT: I couldnae ha put it better myself.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Bah! Ah! There's summat wrong with your chair, pal!
0:25:56 > 0:25:57What a lovely lady.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00A fellow could really lose his head over her.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02CYMBAL CRASH
0:26:02 > 0:26:05If I wasn't death I'd be dying up here.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, hope next time it's not you!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Hoo-hoo! #
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Your Majesty!
0:26:14 > 0:26:16NOOO!
0:26:16 > 0:26:18THEY LAUGH
0:26:18 > 0:26:22No pressure, boys! It's a...
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# The past is no longer a mystery,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# Hope you enjoyed HOR-RIBLE HIST-OR-IES. #