0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drowning rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34FANFARE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Naughty Napoleon.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Not tonight.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08Cool.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24In 1789, the people of France overthrew King Louis XVI
0:01:24 > 0:01:28and his wife Marie Antoinette and took control of the country.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31It was called the French Revolution.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Lots of people got executed with a nasty machine called the guillotine.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37GUILLOTINE SLICES
0:01:37 > 0:01:41At the time, Napoleon was just a young army officer from Corsica -
0:01:41 > 0:01:43an island off the coast of Italy -
0:01:43 > 0:01:47but he was desperate to make it in the French army.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56Excuse me, I want to be a leader in the French army.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57It is my destiny.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Do you speak French?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I am a French!
0:02:01 > 0:02:02Do it again?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I am a French!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09It says here your name is "Napoleone Buonaparte".
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That doesn't sound French. That's Italian?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Originally, yes. You see, I'm from Corsica.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17It's a...it's a French island, innit?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18No, I didn't get that. Do it again...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Oh, it doesn't matter. You see, I changed my name to
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Napoleon Bonaparte because it sounds more French.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Not much more. - Oh, give me a promotion, OK?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- It is my destiny!- Forget about it. - GUILLOTINE AND CHEERING
0:02:29 > 0:02:31There's over 100 people on this list before you.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- Monsieur...- Bonjour.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Bon.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38OK, make that 90 people on the list.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39What happened to the others?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42The French Revolutionary Government executed another
0:02:42 > 0:02:44load of officers for being disloyal.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47But there are still 90 people on the list ahead of you,
0:02:47 > 0:02:48so please...
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I am a genius!
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Then why did you finish 42nd out of 58 in your class
0:02:59 > 0:03:00at the military academy, hmm?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I finished the course in half of the time!
0:03:03 > 0:03:04And you're poor. Gross!
0:03:04 > 0:03:11I may not be rich, OK, but I know maps and maths better than anyone.
0:03:11 > 0:03:16- GUILLOTINE AND CHEERING - Poor, foreign, boring!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Monsieur...
0:03:18 > 0:03:19- Bonjour.- Bon.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25There are still ten people ahead of you, so please,
0:03:25 > 0:03:27if you would be so kind as to get lost?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29GUILLOTINE AND CHEERING
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Monsieur.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Bonjour.- Bon.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Hold on, Napole-wony.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44There is a command for the artillery in Toulon.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, yes!
0:03:46 > 0:03:48It is my destiny!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I will be the greatest military leader in the whole of the French!
0:03:52 > 0:03:53Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55No, I didn't get any of that. Do it again.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Oh, give it here!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00HE MUTTERS
0:04:00 > 0:04:03HE GASPS Oh...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05I feel so French all of a sudden!
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Oh.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Yes, Napoleon fell in love with the exotic Josephine de Beauharnais,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36who was six years older than him and already had two children.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42They eventually married in 1796, but their romance was famously stormy.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45NAPOLEON: Josephine!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Oh, Josephine?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55I have returned!
0:04:55 > 0:04:57What is wrong with the door?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Wide open doors are dangerous. It is obvious, no?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Sometimes it is hard to believe you are France's greatest general!
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I know. Isn't it great?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I didn't expect you back so soon.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Well, I mentioned it in my letters.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13I wrote them to you every day!
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Yes, of course, your letters.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18How I treasure them.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Oh!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23They are in the bin! You have not read them.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Of course I have read them!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Which letter was your favourite?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Oh, it's hard to say - there were so many.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Really, so, so many,
0:05:35 > 0:05:39and they were all, erm... really good.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Hmm...
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Then you must have read them, because they were all really good!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Ha-ha-ha, OK!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48What has been happening since I have been away?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51- Not much.- Bought any new dresses?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- No!- You have! Show me!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57No, you will hate them, and then spill wine on them.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Why would I do that?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It is what you always do when you do not like what I am wearing!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I have literally no idea what you are talking about!
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Fine.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Oh, yes, oui!
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Oh, yeah, oui, oui!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Ah, no, that is lovely.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16HE YAWNS Ah! Oh, no.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I spilled wine all over it,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and it must look like I've done exactly what you said
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I would do on purpose, but I totally didn't.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24- Show me another.- Ugh.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30SHE SIGHS
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Ugh.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Oops!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38And this one?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Oh, dear, you are out of wine.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh, I must write an urgent letter.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55- Oh!- Oh!- Butterfingers.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Ugh, and you know what?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I really, really liked that one, and that is from the heart.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Do you have any more?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Get out! Get out right now!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- I would, but the door is...- Oh.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Argh! Close it! Close it!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Au revoir, my love.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26SHE SIGHS
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I just thought you should know that not all of my letters
0:07:29 > 0:07:30reached my beloved Josephine.
0:07:30 > 0:07:34In fact, one of them was rudely intercepted by the British,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37and you will never guess what they did with it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Did they...?
0:07:46 > 0:07:49The answer is C - they published it in the newspaper.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52You see, Josephine and I were having a really big argument,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54like, a super big argument,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and I wrote her a really angry letter, and the British,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01they stole it and then they published it, to make me look like an idiot.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Well, ha-ha! Who looks like a idiot now, huh?
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Huh?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Do with your newspaper... Grr...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Oh, put some effort into it, man!
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Napoleon did love Josephine,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16but divorced her when she couldn't give him a son.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Hard fromage!
0:08:18 > 0:08:20While Napoleon was off fighting battles on the Continent,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23over in England, a brilliant Indian traveller called
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Sake Dean Mahomet was fighting a battle against split ends
0:08:27 > 0:08:31and lice with his own special concoction.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Is your hair lifeless?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35That's probably because it's a wig,
0:08:35 > 0:08:38but underneath your wig is your actual hair.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41You haven't treated it very well, have you?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Mahomet's Art Of Shampooing fights the signs of...
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Your hair will never feel this strong, shiny and silky.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57You can even smell your hair without making yourself sick.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00MAN VOMITS
0:09:00 > 0:09:01In fact, nine out of ten aristocrats
0:09:01 > 0:09:06prefer the oils and herbs in my shampoo to being infested with lice,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10which means that one out of ten of them prefer the lice!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Here comes the languagey bit...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Shampoo is from India
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and the word comes from the Indian word "champi", meaning head massage,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20but you guys got rid of the C and put an S there instead
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and replaced the I at the end...
0:09:23 > 0:09:24with an OO.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's so popular, they made me
0:09:27 > 0:09:29the personal shampooing surgeon to King George.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Why be an aristocrat, when you can be a HAIRistocrat?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Go on, you know you're worth it.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I am.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Sake Dean Mahomet opened London's first curry restaurant
0:09:44 > 0:09:48and really was responsible for bringing shampoo to Britain.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Too bad he never made a rat version - I stink!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Ha-ha-ha!
0:09:52 > 0:09:56An even greater breakthrough of the time was made
0:09:56 > 0:09:58by scientist Edward Jenner, who developed a disgusting
0:09:58 > 0:10:01but effective treatment for smallpox,
0:10:01 > 0:10:04one of the nastiest diseases ever.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Even I think this cure is gross, and I ate a dead pigeon last week.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Heh! Dead pigeon, mmm...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Cowpox - we all want to give our child the best start in life, which
0:10:15 > 0:10:18is why Dr Edward Jenner recommends you give your child cowpox.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21SQUELCH You have got to be joking!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I don't want my boy growing horns and udders!
0:10:24 > 0:10:26It doesn't do that. Trust me,
0:10:26 > 0:10:28giving him a gentle illness like cowpox now
0:10:28 > 0:10:31will prevent him from getting smallpox later -
0:10:31 > 0:10:33one of the deadliest diseases known to man.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Well, what's wrong with how we used to cure smallpox?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Observe...
0:10:37 > 0:10:38We took two boys.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40We treated one the traditional way by rubbing him
0:10:40 > 0:10:44with a smallpox scab to give him a minor dose of the disease.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Mmm, hygienic!
0:10:46 > 0:10:47The other boy we injected with goo
0:10:47 > 0:10:50and stuff from the pus-filled blister of a milkmaid with cowpox.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52That's called vaccination,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54- after the Latin word for cow. - COW MOOS
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Sure enough, within just 14 days, the first boy was completely dead,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01whereas apart from some slight redness,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03the boy we'd given cowpox was fine!
0:11:03 > 0:11:08Thanks to Dr Edward Jenner, my Tommy can now live a long and happy life.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10As long as he doesn't catch...
0:11:14 > 0:11:17..or any of the other deadly diseases that our era is plagued with.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Oh, and plague.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21You're welcome.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Glass of milk?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28No.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Hello, I'm Geoff Reason and welcome to Battles Of The Day.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35We are live from the 18th and 19th centuries,
0:11:35 > 0:11:38where a little man is trying to conquer the continent.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41It's Napoleon Bonaparte versus the rest of Europe.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And if you like your tactical analysis served with a huge
0:11:46 > 0:11:50pile of dead people, I've got just the man - it's Jamie Castle.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Jamie, this guy takes over the French army
0:11:52 > 0:11:54and immediately invades Italy,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56wins a stunning victory in Toulon,
0:11:56 > 0:12:01rises up the ranks, wins the loyalty of his troops - is he mad?
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Brilliant, more like it, Geoff.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04A successful military general,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05who took advantage of the chaos
0:12:05 > 0:12:06in the French Revolution.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11The French do love Napoleon, almost as much as Napoleon loves Napoleon.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12Yes, yes! That's right.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Napoleon, Napoleon! - Yes, yes, sir.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Why are you slapping your men?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19They love it! They love their great general!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Huh? Yes!- Really?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I am like Alexander the Great.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25In what way?
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I am great, no? Cheers, mate. Cheers, guys.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So confident. It's hard not to like him.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34He's got the banter, Geoff, but it's all about the results.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36We're hearing that the French Naval Fleet has been
0:12:36 > 0:12:39defeated by the British Admiral Horatio Nelson on the Nile.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42This setback's going to go down badly in France.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Victory! CHEERING
0:12:45 > 0:12:46- Champion.- Napoleon, you lost.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Why is everyone cheering?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Ah, don't forget, I own the newspapers, yeah?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53So everyone back home is reading about victory!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55CHEERING Victoire, victoire!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Besides, the government is in a much worse state in France,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01so that is why I have decided to come back, no?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- What, erm, to help? - No, to stage a coup d'etat!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08OK, let's go! Cheers, mate. Cheers, everyone. Come on, guys...
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Oh, I'd love a CUP d'etat. One sugar, please!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14No, Geoff, a coup d'etat is when you overthrow the government.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15When he gets home,
0:13:15 > 0:13:16he has the chance to seize power...
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I'm hearing, in 1804,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21he's been crowned Emperor of France...by himself!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24A real vote of confidence in Napoleon by Napoleon, there, Geoff.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Breaking battle news from Austerlitz, December 1805.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Chris Staycalmer is on the scene, Chris.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33It's madness out here. Napoleon is everywhere!
0:13:33 > 0:13:36It's almost like he's moving his guns around really fast
0:13:36 > 0:13:40to make it look like he's got thousands of them!
0:13:40 > 0:13:41And no, that's exact...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43That's exactly what he's doing. That's so Napoleon.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- I'm being shot at! - GUNFIRE
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I'd love to know where the guns are going to pop up next.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Argh! Argh!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Napoleon's really got the Russians on the run now.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57They're in full retreat. Surely, just a case of damage limitation?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Fast-forward to 1812,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and he's gone back for another bite of Mother Russia.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Frostbite, more like, Geoff.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Cold with a capital, "Crikey, most of my men have frozen to death!"
0:14:06 > 0:14:08All very well dominating in sunnier climes,
0:14:08 > 0:14:09but how would Napoleon fare
0:14:09 > 0:14:11on a wet sub-zero Tuesday night?
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Surely, this is too much
0:14:12 > 0:14:14even for the brilliant Napoleon?
0:14:14 > 0:14:15No way, Geoff!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18An unexploded shell just dropped right next to him
0:14:18 > 0:14:19and he didn't even stop!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22He's just riding straight over it. Only a madman
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- would get that close to a... Ah! - HORSE WHINNIES
0:14:25 > 0:14:27CANNONS FIRE
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Hmm... I think my horse might be broken.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Who do I need to invade to get a new horse?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36He's losing and he doesn't even know it, Geoff!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39I think I need another suit, Geoff.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Defeat and exile to the Italian island of Elba for Napoleon,
0:14:43 > 0:14:47a new suit for Chris Staycalmer... Jamie, your thoughts.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Single-breasted grey flannel every time, Geoff.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Over in England, the Duke of Wellington,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58the brilliant leader of the British Army, was relaxing,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01safe in the knowledge that Napoleon had been defeated.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Not for long, Mr Welly Boots!
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Confirmed news from the French. Napoleon is gone forever.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20After 20 years of wars, we have peace at last.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Tell me, was it the guillotine or the noose?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Neither, your grace.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27The firing squad? 'Tis fitting for a soldier.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29- No-no, he hasn't been executed. - Prison, then!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33What I would have given to see him arrested and cast into irons...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35To which prison has he been taken?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- He's not in prison. He's been banished.- Good!
0:15:37 > 0:15:42At least he can do us no harm from some far-flung, godforsaken place.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Where's he been sent? China? Australia?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46The South Pacific?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Elba.- Is that near India?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51No, it's a little island just off the coast of France.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54It's quite pretty actually. He took some friends and some soldiers too.
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Some people are running boat trips,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57so tourists can wave at him from the shore.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58I took one. It's quite nice.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Really? You've been there.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02It's a day trip. You might want to pack a lunch.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- Reasonably priced, though. - Just to be clear,
0:16:04 > 0:16:07the greatest threat to Britain and peace,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10an enormously popular, power-hungry French general,
0:16:10 > 0:16:13who has terrorised Europe from Russia to Portugal for nearly
0:16:13 > 0:16:1920 years, is on a little island just off the coast of France.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yeah, when you put it like that...
0:16:21 > 0:16:22We posted a couple of guard ships,
0:16:22 > 0:16:26plus, I'm sure he's probably just chilling at this point.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Your grace, it's...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- Napoleon.- Yes, he...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Landed in France and was welcomed back as emperor.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Erm, yes and...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37He's already raised an army to attack us with.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Yes! So, now...- He's retaken Paris
0:16:39 > 0:16:42and we have to fight him all over again.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Can you see through the paper?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Right, come along, there's going to be a big battle
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- and you're going to be standing right at the front.- Come on,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- who could have predicted that? - I could!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53He could.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54That hat!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55I'll get my rifle, then.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02'If they want to blow up the French, King of Italy,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04'Co-Prince of Andorra...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06'You guessed it, it's me,'
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Napoleon Bonaparte!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Ugh!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12# Hello, Paris I burst through the door
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# Now everybody lift your jaws off the floor
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# You act like you've never seen your emperor before
0:17:16 > 0:17:19# It's Napoleon and I'm back for more I've just escaped from exile on Elba
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# Where they call me the caged monster
0:17:21 > 0:17:23# They say I'm short and I've got little hands but
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# Check out my massive battle plans # Yes, we gotta go to war
0:17:26 > 0:17:28# One more time, against who? Everybody, but don't worry
0:17:28 > 0:17:30# We'll be fine, fighting to get back what's rightfully mine
0:17:30 > 0:17:33# Which is everything I conquered ze first time
0:17:33 > 0:17:36# King Louis whatever He ain't got nothing on me
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# The greatest Frenchman ever Come to war with me
0:17:39 > 0:17:43# French people, my subjects I brought you success
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# Women used to make me nervous But in battle, I'm ze best
0:17:47 > 0:17:51# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte
0:17:51 > 0:17:54# I didn't come to party I came to get nasty
0:17:54 > 0:17:58# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte
0:17:58 > 0:18:02# Just got to win at Waterloo Then I'll get back to ruling you
0:18:03 > 0:18:06# You say I'm cocky, maybe I am It's not my fault
0:18:06 > 0:18:09# It's my pituitary gland, or maybe my ego, but I tell you what is true
0:18:09 > 0:18:11# I'm a military genius and my army love me too
0:18:11 > 0:18:13# Can barely ride a horse But not for want of trying
0:18:13 > 0:18:15# I'd say it's not my sore bum But I'd be lying
0:18:15 > 0:18:18# It's ze British and ze Dutch and ze Prussian army but that's OK
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- # The Prussian leader's barmy - I'm pregnant with an elephant
0:18:20 > 0:18:22# See what I mean? Need to win before they get on the scene
0:18:22 > 0:18:24# Can't pray for rain to stop Don't believe in God
0:18:24 > 0:18:27# If it carries on, we'll be stuck in ze mud
0:18:27 > 0:18:29# I got 100 days And I'm back up in this
0:18:29 > 0:18:32# We're outnumbered, yes But we can win this
0:18:32 > 0:18:36# Sure, I'm a little fat And it hurts when I pee
0:18:36 > 0:18:41# But don't worry about zat I'll lead you to victory, baby
0:18:41 > 0:18:44# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte
0:18:44 > 0:18:48# I lead the French army I wasn't really that tiny
0:18:48 > 0:18:51# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte
0:18:51 > 0:18:55# Look out world, wait and see You're about to see the best of me
0:18:55 > 0:18:59# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte
0:18:59 > 0:19:03# Just got to beat Wellington Which almost nobody has done
0:19:03 > 0:19:06# Napoleon Bonaparte Napoleon Bonaparte
0:19:06 > 0:19:10# And I'll go down in history cos Waterloo's my destiny. #
0:19:14 > 0:19:17So, incredibly, plucky Napoleon escaped from exile,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19became leader of France again
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and raised an army to fight the rest of Europe -
0:19:22 > 0:19:24all in 100 days.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Incroyable!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29But this time, he really was up against it.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33On the muddy fields of Waterloo in Belgium, the French met a massive
0:19:33 > 0:19:37army combined of Great Britain and a bit of Germany called Prussia.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39What a line-up!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Hey, war lovers, we're here in Belgium, 1815.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It's been raining, it's a bit muddy,
0:19:44 > 0:19:47but we're still going to have an epic battle.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Woo-hoo!- It's Waterloo Fest.
0:19:57 > 0:20:02OMG, erm, Napoleon, it is so cool to meet you.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I know. I know zis.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07So, erm, the Battle of Waterloo,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09right, I mean, your biggest ever gig?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Massive, but I've noticed you haven't started fighting yet,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14so what's going on?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17We wait until ze ground dries out.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Right, right, cos when you're vibing on the battlefield
0:20:20 > 0:20:24and the mud is, like, biblical, it can really harsh your mellow, right?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28- I have no idea what you are saying right now.- Right.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31But hopefully, we still have time to bash ze British
0:20:31 > 0:20:33before they can join forces with ze Prussians.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Otherwise we are in erm, how do you say? "Deep doo-doo."
0:20:37 > 0:20:41I have given the order to my army to take positions, so we will see.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Well, erm, good luck.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Jerry is over at the British camp...
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Well, I must say you're remarkably chilled -
0:20:49 > 0:20:52dancing the night away, even as Napoleon heads for the battlefield.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Well, you know, he's just one guy in a world...
0:20:56 > 0:20:57What?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Excuse me...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Well, so, Fran, it looks like the Battle of Waterloo is
0:21:03 > 0:21:04finally about to start rocking, there.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Any chance of this rumoured appearance
0:21:06 > 0:21:09by the Prussian General Blucher?
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Erm, no, not really, Jerry.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13He's, he's still totally lost and erm...
0:21:13 > 0:21:14- Hey!- Huh?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Prince Von Blucher, what... What's happening man?
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Haven't you heard?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I'm about to give birth to an elephant.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Really? Massive.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Ouch...
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Erm, random.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Wow! Oh, this battle is really banging, bro!
0:21:31 > 0:21:34It's going to be a bit tight, though, isn't it?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Might just be the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38- CANNONS FIRE - Speaking of which,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40why don't you take a closer look?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Here, take this note to that general over there.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45But...me, in the middle of battle?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47But I'm just a presenter.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- Promoted to messenger. - GUNFIRE
0:21:49 > 0:21:50There's a good chap!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Argh!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Hey, Napoleon, that last cavalry charge was an epic...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01fail! What went wrong?
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Ze British, they were hiding in a field of long corn.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06They jumped up and they shot us to pieces.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08My Imperial Guard had to retreat.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Amazing, and that's a Fest first, right?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Oh, no, the crazy Prussians have arrived!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Retreat, men! Retreat!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19MEN YELL
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Well, it looks like that's all from Waterloo Fest
0:22:21 > 0:22:26and the final performance of the legend that is Napoleon.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Now, I may have lost at Waterloo, but some of the British soldiers
0:22:29 > 0:22:33had a pretty foolish way of stopping my cannon balls I fire at zem.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Did they...?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Argh!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Argh!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51CRASH
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Well, the answer is B.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56They tried to stop bouncing cannonballs with their feet,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58which is like trying to stop a charging rhinoceros
0:22:58 > 0:23:00with a paper umbrella.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Now, they have a bunch of foot soldiers who have only got one foot!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Ha-ha-ha!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Idiots! I hate them so much!
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Yes, poor old Napoleon was la big loser
0:23:11 > 0:23:14in his final battle at Waterloo,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16and he was exiled again.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Only, this time, it was somewhere really out of the way -
0:23:20 > 0:23:24The tiny island of St Helena in the middle of the Atlantic.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Here, he discovered he was good at something
0:23:27 > 0:23:30other than conquering - gardening.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Welcome to Exiled To Another Countryfile.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39This week, we're at Longwood House on the island of St Helena
0:23:39 > 0:23:42to see a garden looked after by former French Emperor Napoleon.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Bonjour!- Wow, you really are short.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I'm standing in a hole, you idiot!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I'm actually average height for a man of my time.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Bill, Ben, get me out.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Heave... Ignore these two.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I have to have these imbecile guards with me at all times.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I make them wear flowers so they blend in with the garden.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- They don't look very happy about it. - We actually quite like the flowers.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05We just don't like him because he cheats at cards.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Ha-ha-ha! I do not cheat at cards.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Awkward.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Do you want to show us round the garden?- Yes, please.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15OK, after you.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- I call this my army.- Ah.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Army, attack, idiots! Oh, it looks like they have taken root.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Fight, you cowards, or be obliterated by ze enemy!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Who is the enemy?
0:24:27 > 0:24:28Ze dreaded snail.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Zey are also very tasty, huh?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Ha-ha-ha!
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Yes! What are you looking at, you slimy little sausage?!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I'm sure the audience at home
0:24:37 > 0:24:39would love to know why you first started gardening.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42My idiot doctor said that I might need the exercise.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- Well, he's got a point.- What?
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Nothing.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Good.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Ahem, it also helps me express myself
0:24:49 > 0:24:50- and helps me relax.- Hmm.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Come!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59It's certainly hard work maintaining a garden like this one.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Ah, Napoleon, weed! But it's given Napoleon a sense of focus.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04It really allowed him to forget all about the wars
0:25:04 > 0:25:06and battles of the past.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Yargh!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Ugh! Ugh!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Victory! Ha-ha-ha! Die!
0:25:13 > 0:25:15That's all we've got time for this week. Join me next time,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18when hopefully I'll be meeting someone a little less angry.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Idiot!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25So, unfortunately for Napoleon, he never escaped from the island
0:25:25 > 0:25:31of St Helena and died in 1821, when he was only 51 years old.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36But from a poor boy in Corsica he rose to become Emperor of France,
0:25:36 > 0:25:39yeah, and one of the greatest military leaders of all time!
0:25:39 > 0:25:44Napoleon was a pretty amazing guy and didn't he know it?
0:25:47 > 0:25:52# Chatty Death, Chatty Death My grisly interviews
0:25:52 > 0:25:56# Chatty Death, Chatty Death They're dead and famous too. #
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Ha-ha-ha! What? I'm bantering with the boys!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Hmm? Oh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Welcome back to Chatty Death.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06It's time for our next guest, so please give a huge
0:26:06 > 0:26:10round of applause to the former Emperor of France, Napoleon!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Hmm, obviously not Napoleon fans, eh?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17WIND BLOWS Not Napoleon fans?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Poo, poo, poo!
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Everyone is a fan of Napoleon.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Don't think so, mate.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I am one of the greatest men who ever lived.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- So listen here, Napoleon Bony-parts. - BA DUM TSH
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Still nothing?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Unbelievable!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33- The thing is, Boney N... - BA DUM TSH
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Ha-ha! And that's for your mums and dads.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38They like you in France. You know, you had a state funeral
0:26:38 > 0:26:40and you're still remembered with pride to this day.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Oui, vive la France. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44But to people here in Britain,
0:26:44 > 0:26:46you're just a short bloke with a bad temper.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47I am not short!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49You are short...tempered.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I am now!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- Why, because you're short? - I'm not short!
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Why is it important how tall I am?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57When I conquered Spain, I conquered Italy,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I conquered Switzerland and I conquered Belgium!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Sounds like quite the game of conkers.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- BA DUM TSH - Really? Nothing for that gold?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Seriously?!
0:27:07 > 0:27:08I am proud of my achievements.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Yeah, well, you know what pride comes before, don't you?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Hmm?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17No! It won't affect me!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Napoleon, there, after his tour of Europe,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23reaching his final DEATHtination.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- BA DUM TSH - Ha-ha! DEATHtination!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I mean, come on,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- I'm KILLING this audience. - WIND BLOWS
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# Chatty Death, Chatty Death Hope next time it's not you. #
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Hoo-hoo!
0:27:38 > 0:27:41LAUGHTER
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I have returned...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45What is wrong with...?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46What has been happening
0:27:46 > 0:27:48since I have been away-ay?
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# The past is no longer a mystery
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #