0:00:02 > 0:00:05# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:01:17 > 0:01:18- Oh!- Get up!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20You must have planned that!
0:01:20 > 0:01:24From the kingdom that brought you Henry I, Henry II, Henry III,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Henry IV...you get the idea.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Henry VII and VIII in...
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Son Henry, it's time you learnt the business of kingship.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Oh, boring!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47There's one or two golden rules to successful kingship.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Number one - war.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51War?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Avoid it!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Oh, but it's the only fun bit!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Hey, hey, hey, uh, uh, uh!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58It costs too much.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Who cares how much it costs? You get your own army!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Hi-ya!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Can't we get back to talking about my own army?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14No!
0:02:14 > 0:02:17You don't think it's easy, ending a long dynastic war
0:02:17 > 0:02:19and ruling a country, do you?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Must be easier than sitting here listening to you talk about it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Since your brother Arthur's death, you're next in line to be king.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31You need to shape up a little.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33You must learn the family business.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The family business? Dull!
0:02:36 > 0:02:39You need to raise lots of tax.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43That entails a certain amount of administration.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I literally just went to boredom hell
0:02:47 > 0:02:50and it was exactly the same as my life.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What you want to do is make peace.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02I've spent my lifetime making this country run effectively
0:03:02 > 0:03:03within its means.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06People respect me across the aristocracy.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09The country is financially stable and we have peace!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Oh, Henry!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Find out what happens next...now!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26So, after his dad kicked the bucket, Henry VIII became king
0:03:26 > 0:03:29when he was just 18 years old.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32At the start of his reign, Henry was known for being handsome,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36dashing and a brilliant sportsman - a bit like me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:37What?
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Welcome to HH TV Sport.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Here are the results so far.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47The fencing has been won by King Henry VIII.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Jousting was won by...
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Henry VIII.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52The archery has been won by...
0:03:52 > 0:03:53King Henry VIII.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55The tennis was won by...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58King Henry VIII. Probably playing himself.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00And the making cobblestones with a steel hammer...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02It's King Henry VIII!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04What a king!
0:04:04 > 0:04:09But the big question is, can he repeat his victory in the wrestling?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11And you join us here,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Henry, our monarch, is really mangling this opponent.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19Oh! Power slam! And his opponent is not even a wrestler.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22That guy is just a spectator who said Henry was only winning
0:04:22 > 0:04:24because people let him.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Think again, sunshine! Regal wrestling brilliance.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Your Majesty... TRUMPET FANFARE
0:04:31 > 0:04:35The king is a fantastic athlete and is about to compete in today's
0:04:35 > 0:04:38biggest sporting event, the wood sawing.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40But first up, here's what he had to say
0:04:40 > 0:04:43when I caught up with him earlier today.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Confident?
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Well, there are no easy matches in competitive wood sawing,
0:04:47 > 0:04:49but, yes, I am confident.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50About everything.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Oh.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Any game plan for the match ahead?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Well, my plan was to saw the wood in half.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04What have you done to train for this event? Tell me.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06I have mostly just been sawing things in half.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09Now...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Do you know what this is?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16That's my SAW bottom.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- That's a competitive wood cutter's joke.- Oh...
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Well, you can't be good at everything, can you?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Contenders ready...
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Make a plank!
0:05:28 > 0:05:32Henry's away. Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back and King Henry
0:05:32 > 0:05:35taking an early lead. Just look at that magnificent technique,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37like he was born with a rudimentary wood cutting device in his hand.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Forward, back, forward, back, forward, back, he's going
0:05:40 > 0:05:42through that piece of wood like it was...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Well, a piece of wood, only really fast.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Oh, and there it is, the crowning glory.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Let's see that again.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Forget Henry VIII, you've just witnessed Henry the first.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Magnificent!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Yep, still boring!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I'm the best at everything!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03I think it's his humility that makes him so popular.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Right, you!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Wrestling, now!
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Argh!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Take that!- Ow!
0:06:16 > 0:06:17And that!
0:06:17 > 0:06:19That really will be a sore bottom!
0:06:21 > 0:06:24I was something of an athlete in my youth. In fact, you might even
0:06:24 > 0:06:27consider me the first modern sportsman.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Do you know which piece of kit I was the first person to own?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44The answer is A.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Yes, I was the first person to own a pair of football boots.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52The footballs themselves were made out of pig's bladder, like a sausage.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Hmm, it's a bit sausagey.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- I did.- I'm not surprised.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Yes, it's true, Henry went off fighting the French
0:07:25 > 0:07:27and won some great victories.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30But sometimes, his first wife,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Catherine of Aragon, was even more successful in battle.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Not that Henry was jealous of Catherine at all.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:07:38 > 0:07:41A feast! A feast!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Let us celebrate my great victory against the French
0:07:44 > 0:07:47at the Battle of the Spurs.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I don't know if I'd call it a great victory, Your Majesty.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I mean, there weren't that many of them
0:07:51 > 0:07:53and they ran away pretty much immediately.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55It was a great victory!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59Like King Arthur, I have conquered all before me in battle.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Henry, you're back!
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I have won a great victory, Catherine.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I heard. Aren't you the big hero?
0:08:05 > 0:08:06Absolutely.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Good. So, promise you won't get annoyed.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Certainly not! Nothing can dampen my mood.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I have won a great victory!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I am sure you have, and I want you to focus on that.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Mmm.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Why?
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Well, while you were away, we had a bit of trouble.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29It was nothing...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31What trouble? Who with?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Oh, just, er...Scotland.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Scotland? Our mortal enemy?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Why, I shall crush them and their treacherous king.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Come, to war!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Erm...there's no need, actually.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48We kind of already beat them.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50You did what?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I don't know why everyone is calling it a battle.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54They're calling it a battle?
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Si, si. They call it the Battle of Flodden Field.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Oh, good title.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Or...something.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05But your battle sounds much more interesting.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07It's kind of funny when you think about it, Your Majesty.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10I mean, while you were in France desperately trying to make
0:09:10 > 0:09:12a name for yourself in battle, your wife
0:09:12 > 0:09:17won a stunning victory, secured our borders and killed our worst enemy.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Which, when you really think about it a bit more,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25actually turns out not to be funny at all.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Our battle was a very serious battle.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31The enemy numbered some 7,000 men.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33How exciting!
0:09:33 > 0:09:34Yes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Erm, how many, erm...? How many enemy Scots were there
0:09:37 > 0:09:40in, erm, in your battle?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Oh, well, it's not really about numbers.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44No, no.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46But how many?
0:09:46 > 0:09:4830,000.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53Wow! So that's, erm, four times as many as you fought.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Yes, I can do the mathematics, thank you.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00Cheer up, Henry! Look, I have the Scottish King's bloodstained coat!
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Ha!
0:10:01 > 0:10:07Oh, forget it. You've ruined my whole battle success.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Shame. I mean, I was so looking forward to coming back and...
0:10:10 > 0:10:14But I thought we could make it into bunting to celebrate your big,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16much more important battle.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17I wouldn't call it a battle.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18It was a battle...
0:10:20 > 0:10:21..OK?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Whatever you say, Your Majesty.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Henry wasn't the only big personality
0:10:28 > 0:10:31ruling at the time - over in China,
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Emperor Zhengde was totally in charge and totally out of control.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40You've guessed it, he's another one of history's craziest fools.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Henry VIII. This fool was definitely crazy.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He got up to plenty of stupid stuff.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I said you could borrow it, mate, all right? Not keep it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59But that don't mean we should go easy on the dumb mugs
0:10:59 > 0:11:01who were around at the same time, all right?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Look at this brother.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07This is Chinese Emperor Zhengde. When he was born in 1491,
0:11:07 > 0:11:12many wise people predicted he would become a great and benevolent ruler.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15You're wrong!
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Zhengde was so stupid, he ordered his men to store all
0:11:19 > 0:11:24the gunpowder in the courtyard of his palace, yeah...
0:11:24 > 0:11:26in the middle of a lantern festival!
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Oh, no!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Crazy fire hazard, fool!
0:11:33 > 0:11:36What is wrong with your mind and your brain?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Unfortunately for everyone else, Zhengde survived.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Here he is playing hide and seek in his palace...
0:11:43 > 0:11:44with a live tiger!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47What's going on? There's a tiger in the palace!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Zhengde deliberately let wildcats loose in his house
0:11:50 > 0:11:52so he could hunt them and stuff.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54How's that working out for you, Zhengde?
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Argh!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Tigers - one. Fools - zero!
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Ho-ho, no!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Sadly, Zhengde survived again.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04What's he made of, this guy?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Then he got drunk and fell off a boat.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Yep, you guessed it. He survived...
0:12:10 > 0:12:13but then he got sick from the water and then he died.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14All is well that ends well,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17but history has got plenty more crazy fools like Zhengde.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22So, stay focused, stay sharp and stay away from stupid.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27That's great, thank you. Thank you so much, guys.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Oh, what a day!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Back in England, Henry was desperate for a son to succeed him
0:12:33 > 0:12:35and asked Catherine of Aragon for a divorce
0:12:35 > 0:12:39because she couldn't have any more children, but she refused.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43So, he turned to his chief minister, Cardinal Wolsey for help.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Wolsey had become rich and famous by doing whatever the king wanted,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49but he was so powerful, people started to wonder
0:12:49 > 0:12:52if he was too big for his boots.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Ladies and gentlemen, here to tell us the secrets
0:12:56 > 0:13:00of my...his success, it's me!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, bless you. Thank you!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Please, please, settle down, settle down.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08As you all know, I am Cardinal Wolsey.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11But what you probably didn't know is that
0:13:11 > 0:13:13I was born the son of an Ipswich butcher.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17But now I am King Henry VIII's most trusted advisor.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19But how did I do it?
0:13:19 > 0:13:25Easy - 20 years' hard work and two simple rules. Stick!
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Give me my stick!
0:13:30 > 0:13:36Two simple rules. Rule number one - always agree with the king.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37OK? Really, very crucial.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40And rule number two -
0:13:40 > 0:13:43never disagree with the king.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Thank you very much! That's all from me.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Thank you and goodnight. Peace.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Hang on, what about agreeing with the king's wife?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53What? Um, erm...
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Look, I...I really am rather busy being a cardinal, erm, mate.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I can't be agreeing with the king AND Catherine of Aragon.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04I've just spent five years trying to arrange their divorce!
0:14:04 > 0:14:08Right, I'm off to go and ignore some women.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Yeah, goodbye, thanks. - Oi, wily Wolsey!- Oh.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- You're nicked in the name of the king.- Why?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Anne Boleyn. She's sick of waiting for you to get permission
0:14:16 > 0:14:18from the Pope to marry Henry.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21Even her ladies-in-waiting are sick of waiting.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24We'll have a rethink. Well, we'll have a rethink.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, and the king's moving into your palace in Hampton Court.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Come on.- No! Haven't you heard about rule number three?
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Don't build a palace bigger than the king's. He's written it down!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37He's... So in conclusion, follow these simple rules
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and you too could end up like me!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Oh, my arm! I'm a cardinal!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46So, Henry got rid of Wolsey and replaced him
0:14:46 > 0:14:48with the cunning Thomas Cromwell.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Cromwell made Henry the head of the Church of England
0:14:51 > 0:14:55so Henry could divorce Catherine of Aragon and take the church's land
0:14:55 > 0:15:00and money for himself in what is known as the English Reformation.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Hmm, the Tudor cheek of it!
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Now Henry could marry his beloved Anne Boleyn,
0:15:05 > 0:15:09get loads more power and a whole load more cash.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Take it away, Your Majesty...
0:15:20 > 0:15:24# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries
0:15:24 > 0:15:28# Want to get my hands on all their money, please
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# A little less Pope, a lot more king
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# I sure do hope to grab their bling
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# Cos war with France is what'll satisfy me
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# And that sure is pricey
0:15:39 > 0:15:41# Passed a law so the Pope's been banned
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# Now I'm top dog in the Church of England
0:15:47 > 0:15:50# It's going swell
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# I ain't got the blues
0:15:52 > 0:15:54# Unless you count my jousting bruise
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Got rid of Anne, her head to lose
0:15:56 > 0:16:00# To get my kicks at 36, I'm up to my old violent tricks
0:16:00 > 0:16:02# The church is mine, so's this stuff
0:16:02 > 0:16:04# They're about to find that I play rough
0:16:04 > 0:16:08# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries
0:16:08 > 0:16:12# I want to get my hands on all their money, please
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# A little more king, a lot less nuns
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# I'll sell their land to buy more guns
0:16:17 > 0:16:20# Cos war with France is what'll satisfy me
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# And that sure is pricey
0:16:23 > 0:16:26# For the church this won't end well
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# I'm sending in my man Cromwell
0:16:31 > 0:16:33# With suspicious minds
0:16:33 > 0:16:36# And a pack of lies
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# He'll ignore their desperate cries
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# Then take their land for my prize
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# Refusing me is kinda treasonable
0:16:42 > 0:16:44# But I'm the guy who can be reasonable
0:16:44 > 0:16:46# I'll offer pensions, payment schemes
0:16:46 > 0:16:49# But crush the monks who block my dreams
0:16:49 > 0:16:53# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries
0:16:53 > 0:16:56# I want to get my hands on all their money, please
0:16:57 > 0:16:59# If those abbots don't change tack
0:16:59 > 0:17:01# I'll send them to the jail house rack
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# They'd better ditch the Pope and recognise me
0:17:04 > 0:17:07# Yeah, recognise me
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- # So chuck out the monk - The monk, the monk
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- # Chuck out the monk - The monk, the monk
0:17:12 > 0:17:14# Some may quit if they can
0:17:14 > 0:17:16# The rest I'll squash in my hand
0:17:16 > 0:17:18# Yes, that means they'll be slaughtered
0:17:18 > 0:17:20# Even hung, drawn and quartered
0:17:20 > 0:17:25# A little more reformation, a lot less monasteries
0:17:25 > 0:17:28# I want to get my hands on all their money, please
0:17:28 > 0:17:30# I'll flood the buildings, sell the gold
0:17:30 > 0:17:32# Close the libraries - those books are old
0:17:32 > 0:17:36# There's nothing you can do to try and stop me
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# Cos I'm King Henry
0:17:39 > 0:17:41# Oh, mamma!
0:17:41 > 0:17:44# A little more reformation, please? #
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Henry was desperate for Anne Boleyn to have a son
0:17:47 > 0:17:49to take over as king when he died.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52So after just three years of marriage, he gave her the chop
0:17:52 > 0:17:56because she could only give him a daughter. Charming.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Meanwhile, over in Turkey, the mighty Ottoman Empire
0:17:59 > 0:18:04was on the rise, led by the great Suleiman the Magnificent
0:18:04 > 0:18:06who was pretty magnificent.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Although he did have some strange ideas about deciding
0:18:09 > 0:18:12who would take over from him.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Now then, my sons, what is the name of the greatest empire in the world?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21The Ottoman Empire!
0:18:21 > 0:18:26And you are the sultan - Suleiman the Magnificent!
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Indeed I am, and I have fought many battles with many enemies,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35which is why our empire stretches from North Africa,
0:18:35 > 0:18:40across Egypt, into Persia and all the way up into Hungary.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Yeah!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Who's magnificent? This guy!
0:18:46 > 0:18:53And one day after I die, one of you will be sultan just like me.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Maybe you? Maybe you?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Maybe you?
0:18:58 > 0:19:02It all depends which one of you manages to kill
0:19:02 > 0:19:04all the others first...
0:19:04 > 0:19:09and all your uncles and male cousins,
0:19:09 > 0:19:13because the law says if you are the sultan,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16strangling your male relatives is not murder.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20It's a necessary slaughter to ensure the stability of the empire.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Family huggle?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25(He's crazy!)
0:19:25 > 0:19:27What, something I said?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31The problem with being number one is that people are always
0:19:31 > 0:19:34trying to take my job.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37So, what do I do to prevent being assassinated?
0:19:53 > 0:19:55The answer is A.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I get my servants to stab the mattress with their daggers
0:19:58 > 0:20:01to make sure no-one's hiding underneath.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04They also sprinkle the sheets with holy water
0:20:04 > 0:20:06to give me God's protection.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Oh, and I also sleep with a couple of weapons behind my pillow.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Hang on...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Why do you want to know about all this?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Who are you working for?!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36I don't like it!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Nobody want that?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45This week, big fat Tudor Henry is getting married again
0:20:45 > 0:20:47after the death of his third wife, Jane Seymour -
0:20:47 > 0:20:50if chief minister Thomas Cromwell can talk him into it.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Her name's Anne of Cleves. She's a nice protestant girl.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Oh, I don't know, Crommers.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I've only just lost my third wife, Jane Seymour,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02and now I've got the male heir I want.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I'd need a pretty good reason to marry someone else.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, how about to secure an alliance against the Pope
0:21:08 > 0:21:11and to ensure the survival of the Church of England?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14No, I mean, you know, she'd have to be well fit.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Well...
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Oh...
0:21:19 > 0:21:21She hasn't got a younger sister, has she?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22Erm, yes.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Oh...
0:21:27 > 0:21:28All right, I'll have that one.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Good choice, Sire!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33With the portrait of Anne having done the trick,
0:21:33 > 0:21:35it's time for Henry to meet his bride.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Now remember, she's German, so quite straight-laced.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Don't worry, I've done this before. Ready, boys?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Oh, yeah! - No, no, no, no, please!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46The entire English Reformation depends upon this marriage, Sire.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47And...
0:21:47 > 0:21:53Row, ray, row, ray, row, ray, row, row, ray, row, raaay!
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It's me! Your new husband.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Oh.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Oh.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Anne's not impressed...
0:22:04 > 0:22:05..and neither is Henry.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07But the wedding plans are well under way.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09She looks nothing like her portrait.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Well, to be fair, Sire, neither do you.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18I mean, your legs are thinner, your belly is much fatter now and your...
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Do you like your head where it is, Crommers?
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Yes.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Good.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Unable to wiggle out of the wedding, Henry says, "I do."
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Congratulations, Sire! England is safe!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yes, unlike your head.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39What?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh, no, please!
0:22:42 > 0:22:46Anne, there's something I wanted to say. The thing is...
0:22:46 > 0:22:47It's not you, it's me.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Hang on, I was going to say that.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I guess I'm just not the marrying sort.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I mean, you're clearly a nice person...
0:22:54 > 0:22:55I was going to say that, too.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57So, great, how about a quick divorce?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Perfect, I'll get my people onto it.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Crikey, who's that?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Hello!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Next week, My Big Fat Tudor Wedding -
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Henry gets married again to Anne's former
0:23:19 > 0:23:22lady-in-waiting, Catherine Howard.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And the week after that, he'll probably marry someone else...again!
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Yes, incredibly, Henry was married six times and his last wife,
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Catherine Parr, had to look after him when he became really ill.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Unfortunately, Tudor medicine wasn't very advanced
0:23:37 > 0:23:39and couldn't help him get better
0:23:39 > 0:23:42and it wasn't much use for ordinary people, either.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Ah, Mrs Carver, isn't it?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Yes! Is Dr Hannity not available?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Well, he was so tired after his golfing holiday
0:23:54 > 0:23:56that he's had to take another holiday.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00I'm Mr Crevic, his replacement, from the reign of Henry VIII.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02What can I do for you, young man? Scurvy, is it?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Oh, he's a bit under the weather, doctor.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Bit of a sore throat.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Argh, the lurgy! Get him out of here!
0:24:10 > 0:24:11I don't think it's the lurgy,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13just something that's going round at school.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Most of the football team have had it.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Mm, that doesn't sound like the lurgy.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Oh, well, you're the doctor.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Well, mostly a ship surgeon, to be honest.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25I'm mostly about cutting limbs off.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Would you like me to remove any of your legs?- No!
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- How about an arm?- I need them both!
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Let me think...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Yeah, here we go.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Come on, row boys!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37Mum, he's like a total lunch box.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Shush, dear, it's on the NHS.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Are you quite sure you don't want me to cut something off?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Couple of fingers?- No!
0:24:44 > 0:24:45Pff...
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I'm out of here.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Hey, come back here!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'm so sorry.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Ah-choo!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57Oh, dear, first sign of the lurgy.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Right, let's take me leg off. You've had your time!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Here you go! Do, do, do, do, do, do...
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Oh! Actually, that is rather painful!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Oh...
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Oh, that's got to hurt!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Yes, life could be pretty brutal during the time of Henry VIII,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19especially if you were one of his wives.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Henry died aged 55
0:25:22 > 0:25:25and passed his crown onto his only son, Edward VI.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I wonder what old Big Head Henry himself
0:25:28 > 0:25:30would make of his reign? Hmm...
0:25:33 > 0:25:38# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, my grisly interviews
0:25:38 > 0:25:42# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, they're dead and famous too! #
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Oh, Ken, you might want to check your teeth, you've just got
0:25:46 > 0:25:49a teeny wee bit of spinach in your...
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It's just...just to the side.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55No-one'll notice. Hello, hello and welcome back.
0:25:55 > 0:26:00Time for my next guest, the former King of England, Henry VIII!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Henry, dead pleased to see you, to see you...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11..dead! You're supposed to all shout dead!
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Honestly, Henry, the atmosphere's like a funeral in here,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18which of course is appropriate, because you are dead.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Thanks for reminding me.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21So, tell us, Deady...
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I mean, Henry!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26How would you like to be remembered?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30I'd like to be remembered as a handsome, athletic king
0:26:30 > 0:26:34who bravely defied Rome and became the leader of the Church of England.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37So, not as a fat bloke who went through wives like most
0:26:37 > 0:26:39people go through toothbrushes?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Oh, the wives, the wives!
0:26:40 > 0:26:42That's all anyone wants to talk about!
0:26:42 > 0:26:46This is awks-ward! We've got one here today.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49See if you can guess - which one is Anne Boleyn?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Look, I suggest you take this seriously.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I am taking it seriously. I'm very GRAVE.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Very grave! Come on, seriously?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04I will not stand for this!
0:27:04 > 0:27:07You're right, I went too far. What would you like to say?
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Come on, this is your big moment.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Well...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13- Argh!- Ha-ha, look at him go!
0:27:13 > 0:27:17The bigger they are, the harder they fall, ha-ha!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# Chatty Death, Chatty Death, hope next time it's not you! #
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Then he got drunk and fell off a boat...
0:27:32 > 0:27:35HE LAUGHS Sorry.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# The past is no longer a mystery
0:27:38 > 0:27:42# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #