0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil Wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a drumming rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33FANFARE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Horrible Histories presents...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18In the land of the pharaohs,
0:01:18 > 0:01:21a family destined to rule.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Welcome to...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Cleopatra, my daughter, Daddy's little...
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Daddy's little queen.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Daddy's little princess.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37No, no, Daddy's little queen -
0:01:37 > 0:01:39we're getting married.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Bit weird.
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Still weird.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Just makes my rule stronger
0:01:49 > 0:01:51if my heir is also my queen.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Now I can rule for years.
0:01:55 > 0:01:56Ah...
0:02:00 > 0:02:01The king is dead.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03At least I'm not married to my dad any more.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06True. Now you're going to marry your little brother.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Weird again.- YOU'RE weird.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- You're weird.- Whatever, Cleo-prat-ra.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- Uh!- Ah! Ah!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Egyptian burn!
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Oh, I hate you!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I hate you more.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Yeah? Well, I'm going to take over Egypt, and get rid of you!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Yeah? You and whose army?- Ha!
0:02:34 > 0:02:35HE CHUCKLES
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Oh, I see.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Find out what happens next, on The Egyptians.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Now.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54What, what, what, what's going on? There's a reindeer in the orphanage.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Sometimes in history, you find a person who is so fond of crazy,
0:02:58 > 0:03:02foolish behaviour, that they deserve a special mention, yeah?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- So - P-tolemy.- It's Ptolemy, bruv.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06- Who is it?- Ptolemy.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Oh. Oh, I see. Right.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Ptolemy the 13th of ancient Egypt -
0:03:10 > 0:03:12I'm talking about you, you idiot.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Ah, bless. This is Ptolemy showing off,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17playing with his sword and that.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I hate you, Cleopatra. I totally hate you!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's OK, fam - she's your older sister.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You'll get over it!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I declare civil war!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Ah!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Unless you do that. What are you thinking?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Pharaoh fool.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Meet superpower Roman, Julius Caesar.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Ptolemy wanted this guy's help to kill Cleopatra,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40so he sent the man a gift.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Nothing crazy about that, yeah?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Everyone loves a gift.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Unless it's your friend's head in a box!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Oh, no!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52That head belongs to Roman General Pompey.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Caesar and Pompey had been at war, like, they were fighting and stuff
0:03:55 > 0:03:57but they were still friends, yeah?
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Crazy fool, Ptolemy. What's wrong with a box of chocolates?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I like the ones that are like
0:04:02 > 0:04:04a semicircle with a hazelnut in the top.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Caesar got so mad about the head in a box thing
0:04:07 > 0:04:09that he ended up on Cleopatra's side.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12You idiot, Ptolemy, what are you doing?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And, when Caesar whooped Ptolemy's behind at the Battle of the Nile,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19the kid had no choice. Give it up, son!
0:04:19 > 0:04:20Or try and swim away wearing
0:04:20 > 0:04:23a full suit of super-heavy armour.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26That is not going to work!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29So - that was Ptolemy the 13th of Egypt -
0:04:29 > 0:04:30the fool that sank without a trace.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Till next week - stay away from stupid, bruv, yeah?
0:04:37 > 0:04:38POSH VOICE: What's for lunch?
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Chops and chops? I'll have that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Ptolemy the 13th really did drown trying to swim away in his armour.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50He thought he could make it, but he was in de-Nile.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53You know - the river, the Nile.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Oh, suit yourself.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57So, Cleopatra was left in charge of Egypt.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59She was known for being a bit of a hottie -
0:04:59 > 0:05:02she had brains as well as beauty.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Mm. Bit like me.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10- Name?- Cleopatra.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Specialist subject? - How about everything?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Your questions on the subject of everything begin...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17now.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Who was the first astronomer to calculate the size of the earth?
0:05:20 > 0:05:21Aristophanes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Correct. Who was the main character in the Iliad?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Achilles, or in the original Greek, Akhilleus.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27I speak nine languages.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Correct, you do.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Which ear-shaped musical instrument was invented by Terpander?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35The seven-stringed lyre. I also know how to play it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37SHE PLAYS LYRE
0:05:39 > 0:05:41That was beautiful.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42What is toxicology?
0:05:42 > 0:05:43- The study of poison.- Correct.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Advanced by Hippocrates, who learned how to control
0:05:46 > 0:05:48the absorption of toxic materials.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50When are the hard questions coming?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53What's a simple quick way to increase a nation's exports?
0:05:53 > 0:05:55- Devalue your currency. - Correct. Who built...
0:05:55 > 0:05:57- Alexander the Great. - Correct. Who...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00- Aristotle.- Correct. - END-OF-ROUND BUZZER
0:06:00 > 0:06:01And at the buzzer....
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I answered all my questions correct with no passes.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Um...correct. - I'm not just a pretty face.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Now, let's talk a little bit more about poison...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Pass.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18So, smitten Caesar went to visit beautiful Cleopatra in Egypt.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22When he got there, he might've expected slippery snakes
0:06:22 > 0:06:25but not slippery floors. Aha.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Caesar!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Your brother's forces have been defeat...
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Oh!
0:06:31 > 0:06:34I'm fine. I'm fine!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Your brother's soldiers have been defeated. He has died.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Drowned in the Nile, weighed down by his suit of armour.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44No-one will touch you any more.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Consider yourself under the protection of mighty Rome.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50I'm fine. I'll pay for that.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52You all right?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54HE STAMMERS
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I'm fine!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01I'm afraid the expensive marble floors
0:07:01 > 0:07:03of our palaces here in Alexandria
0:07:03 > 0:07:07were not designed for your Roman hobnailed boots.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09HE SCREAMS
0:07:09 > 0:07:11We're fine.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13You are, once again,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Queen of...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Once again, you're...
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Once again, Queen of Egypt, and with Rome's support, you will stay there.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24There's nothing any of your family can do about it.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28No-one will be able to take the throne away from you again.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Caesar! How can I repay you?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32There is one thing.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Whatever you wish.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37The wealth of Egypt is yours - even its queen.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39ORNAMENTS SMASH AND CAT MEOWS
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Name your price.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Could you put some rugs down...possibly?
0:07:44 > 0:07:45You what?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- RIP! - Oh... they've torn. Oh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I have a question for you.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58When I became pharaoh, aged only 18,
0:07:58 > 0:08:03how old was the great pyramid of Giza by that point?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Was it...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17And the answer is...
0:08:17 > 0:08:18B.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Yes - even before me,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24ancient Egypt had been around for 3,000 years.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27So the great pyramid is about as old to me
0:08:27 > 0:08:30as the Parthenon in Athens is to you.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34To think I thought Julius Caesar was old for being in his 50s!
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Cleopatra and Caesar eventually got married in Egypt
0:08:38 > 0:08:42and she became pregnant - but both the Romans and the Egyptians
0:08:42 > 0:08:46had some pretty strange ideas when it came to giving birth.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Aha.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Cleopatra's been in labour now for six hours with her first baby.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Everyone is nervous.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I've never helped the living embodiment
0:08:54 > 0:08:56of a god give birth before.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Scary. If something goes wrong, I'll die.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Like, I will literally be killed.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04But we've got a bucket of blood, so we should be fine.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Get it nice and high, Diane, cos they come in through the roof.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13'We smear it on the walls to keep bad spirits away.'
0:09:13 > 0:09:14Just a bit of fun.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20I'll get in trouble, though, if I leave it, so...
0:09:20 > 0:09:23SHE SOBS
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I want Caesar!
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I want him to hold my hand.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32So I can squeeze it and show him how much it hurts!
0:09:32 > 0:09:33I know, Majesty.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35But Caesar is still at work,
0:09:35 > 0:09:38caught up in some last-minute rebellion crushing.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40But he is sending one of his men to throw a spear
0:09:40 > 0:09:43that's just killed someone in battle over the house for good luck -
0:09:43 > 0:09:46so he is doing everything he can.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- What?- It's a Roman thing.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Oi! Over the house, not through it!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Sorry!- Romans are weird.- Mm.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Is there enough blood on the walls?
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Diane? Blood.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Thankfully, Cleopatra has given birth to a healthy baby boy -
0:10:06 > 0:10:07called Caesarion.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Right. Everyone out.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11We're locking ourselves in here for seven days,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and burning frankincense and myrrh to keep away evil spirits.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16- Seven days?- Yes.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Ow!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Ah. Sorry - it's just a really tall building.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Oh... It really stings.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29They say there's one born every minute -
0:10:29 > 0:10:31not like that there isn't.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33During the time of Cleopatra,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36the ideas of the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius
0:10:36 > 0:10:38were growing in popularity -
0:10:38 > 0:10:42and he had loads of fans all around the world.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Even if at times he could be Confuciously confusing.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50He's the man whose cracking one-liners
0:10:50 > 0:10:52are still pulling in the crowds 400 years after he died -
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Confucius.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Cautious people rarely make mistakes.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06Real knowledge is knowing how little you know.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09It's the Confucius stand-up DVD.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Those lines are hundreds of years old
0:11:11 > 0:11:15but they're still so relevant, even today.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- They are classic, they're absolutely classic.- Yeah.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Yeah, my favourite one was, "Never eat yellow snow."
0:11:22 > 0:11:23SHE LAUGHS
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- He didn't say that.- What?- He didn't say that. He didn't say that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27- He didn't?- No.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30The philosopher who said so many brilliant things that whenever
0:11:30 > 0:11:33anything brilliant is said now people think HE come up with it!
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Confucius said,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"He who goes to bed with an itchy bottom
0:11:36 > 0:11:40"will wake up with a smelly finger"!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41That definitely wasn't him.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44That is well gross, that is well gross.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Confucius said stuff like
0:11:47 > 0:11:49"When a country is run well,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52"poverty is a thing to be ashamed of.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56"When a country is run badly...
0:11:56 > 0:11:59"riches are a thing to be ashamed of."
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- Yeah, mine are funnier.- Confucius - the greatest one-liners in history.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Confucius said, "When many birds flock together - wear a hat."
0:12:06 > 0:12:08SHE LAUGHS
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- No, he didn't.- He might've done.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12- He didn't say that.- He might've done.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14He didn't say that, he didn't say that.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17- In the middle of a sentence, he might've done...- He didn't say that.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18- You weren't there. - He didn't say that.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21The superior man understands what is right -
0:12:21 > 0:12:25the inferior man understands what will sell.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27And this WILL sell.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Hang on, does that make me inferior?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Oh, who cares?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Cleopatra has arrived in Rome with new beau Julius Caesar,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39but there are two problems.
0:12:39 > 0:12:421. Their marriage isn't recognised by Roman law,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and 2. He already has a wife, Calpurnia.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I've got two husbands, what's the problem?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Er...didn't Ptolemy get killed?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Different Ptolemy. I've been married to um...three.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Didn't I tell you I got married again?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57This one's my other brother. Egyptian tradition.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02Yes. I've got two husbands and Caesar has two wives.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I'm the one in Egypt, and Calpurnia's the one in Rome.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Isn't that right, Caesar?
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Simple.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Well, you're in Rome, with him, now.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Yes, and I love it - and they love me.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16THEY SCREAM EXCITEDLY
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Cleopatra is hotter property than ever,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and her extravagant style is taking Rome by storm.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23The homes, the jewels -
0:13:23 > 0:13:25the Roman ladies are loving it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28She is so beautiful, and so bling!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I love the Egyptian hairstyles!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33But stupid Roman law only lets us girls wear
0:13:33 > 0:13:35half an ounce of jewellery.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Cleopatra wears about a bucketful.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40We've never felt so inadequate.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41We love her!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44But it's not just the girls' heads Cleopatra is turning.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48- Mark Antony, what are your thoughts on this?- Hubba-hubba.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- Pardon?- Put it in my pigeonhole.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53But what does Cleopatra think...
0:13:53 > 0:13:54I'm just going to...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56..about all the male attention?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Mark Antony is the next most powerful man in Rome.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04And I heard he drives a chariot pulled by lions.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07But seriously, my Caesar's the only man for me.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Get used to me, Rome -
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Caesar ain't going nowhere
0:14:11 > 0:14:14and neither am I - together forever.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Julius Caesar has been assassinated.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20SHE GASPS Oh, no!
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Not my beloved!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Oh, the light of my life.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26SHE SOBS
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Has anyone here seen Mark Antony?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Caesar was assassinated by his rivals in Rome,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39and crafty Cleopatra was left all alone.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41But not for long. No.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44She quickly found herself another Roman general.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47You guessed it - Mark Antony.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49True, he was already married -
0:14:49 > 0:14:51but you've got to move fast to stay on top.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54In order to impress Mark Antony,
0:14:54 > 0:14:59I once bet him I could consume a meal worth ten million silver coins.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01How did I do it?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15And the answer is...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17B. I swallowed my pearl earring.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Don't try that at home.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23The earring was worth ten million silver coins,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26so to show him how much money I had,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30I dissolved it in vinegar and ate it for my starter.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Life in Rome was certainly extravagant for Cleopatra.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38But for ordinary people, it wasn't all glitz and glamour.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Wee!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Gimme a wee!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Anyone?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Oh... You picked the short straw collecting from here, didn't you?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Oh, I don't mind.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Wee's important for my leather work, and someone's got to collect it.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Well, I agree with you there, young man.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58It's all part of the great Roman system.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01People fill the pots on their streets with wee,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03you collect it, and use it to soften the leather
0:16:03 > 0:16:05that ends up on the feet and backs
0:16:05 > 0:16:08of every soldier and citizen across the empire.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11No. The bad luck isn't collecting it -
0:16:11 > 0:16:13it's collecting it here.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Oh, it's because a crowded, smelly slum like this
0:16:18 > 0:16:20is probably full of thieves? Please.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24It is smelly, and I was robbed only moments ago
0:16:24 > 0:16:27but that's not why it's unlucky.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31OK, I give up. Why is it bad luck to collect around here?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Because the people who live on the higher floors
0:16:33 > 0:16:36can't be bothered to come down here to empty their wee buckets.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38What would YOU know?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42HE SCREAMS
0:16:47 > 0:16:49They just chuck it out the window!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54HE SCREAMS
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Ooh. hat's some top quality wee.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01That wee-ly did happen.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02HE LAUGHS
0:17:02 > 0:17:06But if life in Rome wasn't always as sophisticated as you might think,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10over in Britain it was positively primitive,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13with some unusual ideas about money.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Hello. Do you sell cows?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- Er...yes, we do, do you want to see our catalogue?- Yes, please.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Thank you. Hmm...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Yeah, they all look great.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25I will take this one, please.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Excellent choice, sir. You have a keen eye.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Er...that'll be two sets, please.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33And how much is a set worth these days?
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Under the current exchange rate, one set is worth half a cow.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37MOOING No, Tatiana!
0:17:37 > 0:17:43So, if one set is half a cow and each of your cows cost two sets,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45then the cost of one cow from you is...
0:17:45 > 0:17:46One cow, precisely.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48So one cow costs one cow?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50That's it, sir - keen eye and a keen mind.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Well, luckily I have one cow exactly.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Oh. Perfect.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Do you want to save time and just keep that...
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Yeah. Yeah, I think I will, actually.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07To be honest, I'm beginning to see why the Romans prefer using money.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08MOOING
0:18:09 > 0:18:13Back in Rome, Caesar's nephew Octavian was growing in power.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16And so was his anger at Mark Antony,
0:18:16 > 0:18:20who was cuddling up to kissy Queen Cleopatra over in Egypt.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Well jels?
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Not really.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Octavian just didn't want to share power with Mark Antony.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29But convincing his generals to go to war against another Roman
0:18:29 > 0:18:31wasn't going to be easy.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Tell him about that time - you know, the time with the horse?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37The horses are lying on the ground, right...? I've got the axe...
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Hail... Guys? Guys.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER - Sorry! Sorry!
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Can I have this back, please?
0:18:44 > 0:18:47It's my sealskin, and it protects me from lightning strikes.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48- Very important.- ALL: Oooh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Can we have some quiet, please?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Thank you. Just a brief announcement -
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Mark Antony is corrupt
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and out of control, guys!
0:18:59 > 0:19:03He's an enemy of Rome, and I must insist we go to war!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06No, no, no, Mark Antony's a top bloke, a total geezer.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08I fought with him in Gaul -
0:19:08 > 0:19:11loads of banter, loads of murder, I love it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I don't care - we're going to war, OK?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17He's a traitor and a bigamist. OK?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20He married Cleopatra when he was still married to a Roman -
0:19:20 > 0:19:24my sister Octavia, who's terribly upset by the way.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27No other Roman has ever done that!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Well, apart from your uncle Caesar when HE married Cleopatra.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Nice one, son!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Shut up! Leave my uncle out of this.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Besides, Cleopatra disgusts me -
0:19:37 > 0:19:39she's married to her own son!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Yeah, but that's just a ceremonial marriage, ain't it?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Hello?! It's like, totally gross.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46She is a menace!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Look, Caesar's dead now, good luck to the lad.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Yeah, all's fair in love and war.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Yes - war is exactly what we need.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Mark Antony and Cleopatra have already crowned their children
0:19:57 > 0:20:00rulers of Armenia, Libya AND Syria -
0:20:00 > 0:20:03without our permission, guys. C'mon!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Their oldest child's only six, what's he going to do -
0:20:06 > 0:20:09dribble on us cos we won't let him stay up past his bedtime(?)
0:20:10 > 0:20:13THEY LAUGH Dush.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15He's, he's, he's debauched...
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Ah, he did it. - ..he's corrupt, and...and...
0:20:19 > 0:20:22and he's started wearing make-up!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- What?- Look at this. He's started wearing make-up!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Yeah. A spy gave me this.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Well, Roman soldiers don't wear make-up!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31What's next? Flowers in his hair?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33No, no, enough is enough.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Yeah, she's a bad influence. - Exactly.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Let's go to war with Cleopatra! - Have it! Yeah!
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Yes!- Come on. Follow the dush, dush, dush...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Yeah.- Dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush, dush.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Boom! Yes!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51It's not actually a bad look, really.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06# Defeated by Octavian that we, we don't respect
0:21:06 > 0:21:11# Our faction killed in Actium as my poor Ant has been decked
0:21:11 > 0:21:14# Yeah, I was wrecked
0:21:14 > 0:21:17# Now it's T-H-E E-N-D
0:21:17 > 0:21:19# I'm sure that spells the end for me
0:21:19 > 0:21:23# Octavian will display me in a cage, the world will gloat
0:21:23 > 0:21:25# I can't go on
0:21:25 > 0:21:27# Won't be paraded round the street
0:21:27 > 0:21:29# Octavian
0:21:29 > 0:21:32# Not your exotic parakeet
0:21:32 > 0:21:36# Not your spoils from victory, I'll spoil your party
0:21:36 > 0:21:41# I can't go on
0:21:50 > 0:21:54# I'm miserable, I'm so depressed How did it come to this?
0:21:54 > 0:21:59# Octavian don't like me cos I dumped his plain old sis
0:21:59 > 0:22:03# For Queen Isis
0:22:03 > 0:22:07# I'm trying to sustain our rule Don't hold me up to ridicule
0:22:07 > 0:22:11# Snap out of this, you moping fool You're not helping at all
0:22:11 > 0:22:14# I can't go on
0:22:14 > 0:22:16# Without my sweet Roman romance
0:22:16 > 0:22:18# Our love has gone
0:22:18 > 0:22:20# Living alone, not in my plans
0:22:20 > 0:22:24# Octavian my boss, I'd sooner eat my hair
0:22:24 > 0:22:30# I can't go on
0:22:30 > 0:22:32# I must try and capture Cleo
0:22:32 > 0:22:34# Octavian must not take me-o
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# She'll kill herself just for me?
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# She must adore me
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# I'll foil Octavian with this plot
0:22:41 > 0:22:42# She's dead?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# Not yet I'm not
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# She must not die
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# So much more popular than me
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# And so I die
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# This will look bad on my CV
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# Antony and Cleo gone
0:22:58 > 0:23:04# What a blooming pair of drama queens
0:23:04 > 0:23:10# So all hail me! #
0:23:13 > 0:23:15So - both Cleopatra and Mark Antony
0:23:15 > 0:23:19died after losing the battle with Octavian -
0:23:19 > 0:23:22and that nerdy boy became Emperor Augustus,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24the first emperor of Rome.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27He ruled, man. Yeah, he really did.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31He even had Cleo's son, Caesarion, bumped off for good measure.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34But Cleopatra would always be remembered
0:23:34 > 0:23:36for her beauty and brains -
0:23:36 > 0:23:38oh, and plenty of deaths too.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Let's see what she's got to say about that.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:23:45 > 0:23:48# My grisly interviews
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# They're dead and famous too! #
0:23:53 > 0:23:54And then he said,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56"I always have a mummy around...
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"in case I run out of toilet paper!"
0:23:59 > 0:24:00HE LAUGHS
0:24:00 > 0:24:03What? Oh...!
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Welcome back to Chatty Death - with me, Death.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Please give a warm welcome to my next guest,
0:24:10 > 0:24:12former pharaoh of Egypt -
0:24:12 > 0:24:14it's Cleopatra.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19I'm a big fan, big fan, BIG FAN of Cleo!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22So tell me -
0:24:22 > 0:24:24you're remembered as one of the most beautiful women who ever lived,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27a stone-cold stunner - a stone-cold...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- CYMBAL CLANGS - ..stunner!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Stone-cold - because she's dead. No? Not for you? Fine.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36It's nice to be remembered for being beautiful
0:24:36 > 0:24:38but I was much more than just a pretty face.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Yeah. You were a deadly face as well.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45You know, everyone around you seems to have met with a grisly end.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Harsh.- Not that I've made a list, but I have...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52made a list.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Let's see. So your husband Caesar, he was stabbed to death
0:24:55 > 0:24:58by his mate Brutus - not entirely your fault, but...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Your boyfriend Mark Antony, he killed himself -
0:25:01 > 0:25:03that was definitely over you.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You went to war with your brother,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09he drowned after a battle - nice one!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Remind me what happened to your other brother.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- He ate something that didn't agree with him.- Ooh.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15I believe it was poison.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Ooh-hoo-hoo! You bad girl.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Then there was your sister Arsinoe,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24killed on the steps of a temple -
0:25:24 > 0:25:27honestly, it's a good job this isn't one of these family reunion shows,
0:25:27 > 0:25:30the room would just be full of people you'd had killed.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Wasn't easy being a female pharaoh.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35All I did, I did to keep a hold of my throne.
0:25:35 > 0:25:40Yeah? Well, here's one throne you won't be able to hold on to...
0:25:40 > 0:25:43SHE SCREAMS
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Can't say PHAROAH than that!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- HE LAUGHS - Pharaoh! That's a good one.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Oh... Is this on? Is that on?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Anyway, what you doing tonight, guys?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Fancy coming for some ribs?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I see you've already eaten.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Ha! I'm wasted here.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Wasted!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, dear.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# Hope next time it's not you! #
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:26:13 > 0:26:16# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits
0:26:16 > 0:26:18# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
0:26:18 > 0:26:21# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# The past is no longer a mystery
0:26:24 > 0:26:25# Hope you enjoyed...
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# Horrible Histories. #