0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Fighting Frenchmen, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Smashing Saxons, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Normans, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Civil wars, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a drowning rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Horrible Histories. #
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Horrible Histories presents... Bolshy Boudica.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Boudica was Queen of the Iceni tribe from East Anglia
0:01:25 > 0:01:29and during the time of her rule in 60 AD, large bits of Britain
0:01:29 > 0:01:31were under the control of the Roman Empire.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Now, Boudica might've become an enemy of the Romans,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36but she wasn't always like that -
0:01:36 > 0:01:39in fact, when she was younger, she was really a bit of a fan.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41In this week's Ave Magazine,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44she's the fit Brit It girl doing it like a Roman.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47I'm Queen Boudica of the Iceni tribe
0:01:47 > 0:01:51and I'm going to tell you why I think Rome is totes amazing.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I've give you all my style secrets.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59No, that's just not Roman enough.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03I'll give it I out of V stars.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Mmm, sweet berry juice.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Don't worry girls, I've not gone mad -
0:02:12 > 0:02:15rosy Roman cheeks are all the rage,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18but Roman life isn't all jewels and rosy cheeks.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21No! No, make it stop!
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Ouch.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Seriously, the plucking can really - ouch - hurt,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29but if I'm going to follow Roman fashions -
0:02:29 > 0:02:32ouch - it's all got to go.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Ouch!- And an Ave exclusive -
0:02:34 > 0:02:35the secret of Boudica's
0:02:35 > 0:02:37incredible wealth revealed.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40So, basically, I buy Roman stuff with Roman money
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Romans gave my husband, King Prasutagus,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45not to attack Romans.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50When it comes to shopping, Rome is where the heart is!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Lesley, can you get me some berry juice please?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Catch it now!
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Boudica might not have thought the Romans were so cool
0:02:58 > 0:03:00if she knew they could also be cruel,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04and over in Italy, one Roman was doing a pretty good job
0:03:04 > 0:03:07of being the cruellest and the craziest -
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Emperor Caligula, another one of history's craziest fools!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Hey, get out of my way! - CROWD YELLS
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Oh, my gosh, there's a chicken in the garage!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25The ancient world was a proper scary place to live, bro.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29The last thing they needed was crazy fools in high places,
0:03:29 > 0:03:30but that's exactly what they got!
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Oh, no!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35'This is Roman Emperor Caligula. When Boudica was young,
0:03:35 > 0:03:40'he ran the most powerful empire the world had ever seen,'
0:03:40 > 0:03:42but he liked nothing more than goofing around
0:03:42 > 0:03:44and making people feel awkward,
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- 'and here he is watching a play...' - Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Clap!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Clap or I'll kill you.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Whoo!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I won't, I won't, I'm joking, I'm kidding.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No, I will kill you.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58'Oh, he's so mean,'
0:03:58 > 0:04:00he makes me feel a bit itchy.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04It annoyed Caligula that the nobles tried to suck up by claiming
0:04:04 > 0:04:07they thought he was like a God or something - idiots.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11So, he thought he'd teach them a lesson by pretending to be one.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You see? You've walked right into his big hairy trap.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I am Venus...
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Why are you not driven mad?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24'Roman custom states that mortal minds'
0:04:24 > 0:04:26would go totally crazy if they met a real God
0:04:26 > 0:04:28'so what are these fools going to do?'
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Are you saying I'm not a God?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35'Think fast, fools, he will totally kill you.'
0:04:35 > 0:04:38THEY HOWL AND GIBBER
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Ah-ha! It's a prank, dudes.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I'm totally joking with you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Do you not like your emperor's joke?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- Laugh! - Ha-ha-ha!- Oh-ho-ho!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Laugh harder or I'll kill you. - Ho-ho-ho!- Ah-ha-ha-ha!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- Ah, I'm kidding.- Ha-ha!- I'm kidding.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I'm totally kidding. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Ha!
0:05:09 > 0:05:13- I'm not. I will actually kill you. - Oh!- Ha-ha!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17He's playing games, yeah. He's, like, messing with your heads
0:05:17 > 0:05:21and he's messing with mine. I can't...I can hardly see.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25No wonder Caligula became the first Roman emperor to be assassinated.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Until next time, stay away from stupid.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31CROWD YELLS
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Is it here? Is my car here?
0:05:33 > 0:05:34I need to go to Covent Garden.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Back in England, Boudica and her husband Prasutagus
0:05:40 > 0:05:42had that deal with the Romans -
0:05:42 > 0:05:44we won't attack you if you won't attack us
0:05:44 > 0:05:48and we'll even pay you not to. Oh, that's nice.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51So, when Prasutagus died, Boudica was sure
0:05:51 > 0:05:53mighty Rome would look after her...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oops! Her bad.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00The death of my husband King Prasutagus has been deeply felt
0:06:00 > 0:06:03but at least we know he's left enough cash to look after us
0:06:03 > 0:06:07and the Iceni tribe for years to come.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Erm, yes, actually, about the will...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, shabby chic, should be worth a few sestertii.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Excuse me, do you mind?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Not at all, carry on.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Some of this stuff is just ghastly.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22VASE SMASHES All right, sorry, who are you?
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Decianus Catus, the Roman representative in this region, so...
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, yes, I could tell you were Roman.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29- Oh, I love everything Roman... - Oh, thank you.- The thing is,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32sort of in the middle of reading my husband's will at the moment,
0:06:32 > 0:06:33maybe you could come back later?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37Oh, no, I'm here for the will too, yeah, so, carry on, hombre.
0:06:37 > 0:06:43Yes, erm, I'm afraid your husband King Prasutagus...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46has left everything to the Romans.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Oops! Just smashed another one of my pots.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51This can't be right,
0:06:51 > 0:06:53my husband's going to leave everything to our daughters.
0:06:53 > 0:06:59Yeah, we heard about that and all decided, "Na."
0:06:59 > 0:07:00You can't do this.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Actually, erm, they can.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05That's the deal with all our client kings, love.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Honestly, what it is with Celts not reading the small print?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Well, they can't read, so... - So, we're going to take all the
0:07:11 > 0:07:12treasure with us today, if that's OK?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14And if it's not OK, that's OK too.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18This is all wrong. Rome is meant to be fair and cultured and civilised.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You can't take everything. What about my daughters?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- Good point, we'll take them too. - Hang on a minute.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Oh, we'll be in touch
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- about the rest, erm... - GIRLS WHIMPER
0:07:27 > 0:07:30..and oh, I'm sorry for your loss, etc, etc.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Boohoo...oh...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- Ah-ha-ha, oh... - Boohoo-hoo...
0:07:40 > 0:07:44On the bright side, Rome has got all your stuff,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46including your daughters...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48and you like Rome.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- I hate Rome!- A bit fickle. - DRESS RIPS
0:07:54 > 0:07:58TRUMPET BLARES I will destroy them.
0:07:58 > 0:07:59Oi!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Oh-ho-ho-ho, you throw like a dude!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I love being a Celt.
0:08:07 > 0:08:08So, left with nothing,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Boudica turned against her cruel Roman masters
0:08:11 > 0:08:14but she wasn't the only Briton feeling fed up - lots of her
0:08:14 > 0:08:17fellow Celts didn't get on with their new Roman neighbours either.
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Ave.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Rhonda, it's more flipping Romans.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Oh, all right?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- I'm Rhonda, this is Colin.- Hey.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38I'm Caius, this is my wife Flavia, we've just moved in next door.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41SHEEP BLEATS
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Get out of it! - Oh, Continental.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49The guide book said that kissing on the nipples
0:08:49 > 0:08:51was a traditional greeting for you Celts.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52That's only if you're
0:08:52 > 0:08:54royalty, like what Boudica is.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Ah, awkward.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00So, anyway, erm, we were hoping to talk about your garden.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Who's Gordon?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05The garden, the outside bit round the back of the hut?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Gordon must be Roman for toilet.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'll get you a drink.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11- Come on, don't mind the smell.- Nice.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Oh, that's lovely.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16FLIES BUZZ
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Dead people, that explains the smell.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Well, part of it.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Yeah, they're all family.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Are you not going to bury them?
0:09:27 > 0:09:29No, well, we like to leave them here
0:09:29 > 0:09:31for the birds to pick away their skin and organs...
0:09:33 > 0:09:34You know what I mean?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Yeah it's how we Celts say goodbye,
0:09:36 > 0:09:37less of a wrench.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And it's lovely to be able to stand by your kitchen window
0:09:40 > 0:09:43and watch the bluetits nibble on a bit of spleen.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Yeah, the thing is, we want to put a mosaic in our garden just
0:09:50 > 0:09:53over there and the smell, it's...
0:09:53 > 0:09:54- Here we go.- Oh, Colin...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56This used to be a Celtic area.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Yeah, you said you wouldn't lose your temper.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Then you lot move in and suddenly everyone's building mosaics
0:10:01 > 0:10:04and having baths - which is disgusting, by the way.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06So, erm, what, what brings you here?
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Well, I came over here when we invaded Britain in '43 and...
0:10:10 > 0:10:14I thought I recognised you - your legion killed our mates.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yes, that's right, and now our time in the army's up
0:10:16 > 0:10:19they've given us some of your land as a reward.
0:10:20 > 0:10:25Ooh, erm, well, but we should put it behind us and be friends.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Clear off. - No reason why we can't be...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Mosaic off out of our garden and take your tiny tiles with you!
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Clear off out of here!
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Yeah.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Well done, Colin, you really kept a lid on your anger, didn't you?
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Sorry, I forgot to say, I'm actually doing a spot of tax collection...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Tax? Go on, get out of it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45Get out! Shoo!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Ah, get away! Leave us in peace.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Just for the record, I've not lost my temper so that's it.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Ah, get away!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55They were nice, weren't they?
0:10:55 > 0:10:58With the Romans stealing the Celts' lands and forcing everyone to
0:10:58 > 0:11:03pay taxes, they weren't exactly everyone's favourite invaders,
0:11:03 > 0:11:04so when Boudica said,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"Anyone fancy joining my army and bashing loads of Romans?"
0:11:07 > 0:11:11It's no wonder plenty of Celts said, "Not half!"
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Roman Britain was about to get bashed up, Boudica-style.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22You know, here in Roman times, it's normally all columns
0:11:22 > 0:11:26and forums and mosaics, but today, I've come to meet a young woman
0:11:26 > 0:11:30with a project that's a little out of the ordinary.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32She's called Boudica,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and she has an historical grand design
0:11:35 > 0:11:38for the impressive Roman city of Colchester.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Boudica, Colchester has only just been built
0:11:41 > 0:11:44but you're planning to make changes already?
0:11:44 > 0:11:50Erm, yes, Kevin. What we're looking to do is basically knock through.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51And...?
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Well, no, that's it. We're going to just knock through everything
0:11:55 > 0:11:58and then we're going to set fire to it!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00CROWD YELLS
0:12:02 > 0:12:06I imagine a project like this might raise a few eyebrows with
0:12:06 > 0:12:08the actual residents of the city.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12- Have any locals complained? - SWORDS CLANG AND MEN YELL
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Yes, it's a controversial project
0:12:14 > 0:12:17but we've managed to cut through a lot of red tape...
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and limbs and veins and so on.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25The big question - budget.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27How much is this massive job going to cost?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30EXPLOSION AND YELLING
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Oh, it's going to cost anything at all.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35Come on!
0:12:35 > 0:12:36I am pumped!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Boudica has an innovative finance plan,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45stealing the Roman residents' property
0:12:45 > 0:12:48and selling the Romans themselves into slavery. In fact,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50she's so full of confidence and bitter revenge,
0:12:50 > 0:12:55she's already planning two similar projects in London and St Albans
0:12:55 > 0:12:58and if they go well, who knows where it might end?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02You know, I was sceptical when I first heard about this project
0:13:02 > 0:13:03but true to her word,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Boudica has destroyed the entire town in just a few days,
0:13:07 > 0:13:10and her design for Colchester certainly works seamlessly
0:13:10 > 0:13:11with the local countryside,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13because that's all that will be left -
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- just countryside. - SWORDS CLANG AND MEN YELL
0:13:16 > 0:13:19You know, there's not many people that will see what Boudica did here
0:13:19 > 0:13:23who won't think she's pulled off something rather special.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Apart from, of course, the Romans,
0:13:25 > 0:13:29but you don't exactly hear them complaining.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31- Goodbye. - THEY YELL
0:13:38 > 0:13:42# Fine wine, designer Roman goods
0:13:42 > 0:13:46# I owned a fancy stash
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# But when my husband died
0:13:49 > 0:13:54# The Romans cried, "Let's take his cash"
0:13:54 > 0:13:58# Like a baby I had a little cry
0:13:58 > 0:14:02# At this terrible stage
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# But before too long I had turned this song
0:14:05 > 0:14:10# Into a violent rage.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14# And so I had to wreck 'em all
0:14:14 > 0:14:18# Tear down every Roman wall
0:14:18 > 0:14:22# Unleashed all my fury on
0:14:22 > 0:14:26# Every Roman centurion
0:14:26 > 0:14:29# I led a Celtic army
0:14:29 > 0:14:34# And we smashed the Roman crew
0:14:34 > 0:14:38# Took London, St Albans, Camulodunum
0:14:38 > 0:14:42# That's Colchester to you
0:14:42 > 0:14:46# Rather than end up dead Romans turned and fled
0:14:46 > 0:14:49# From our uprising
0:14:49 > 0:14:51# Their soldiers took flight
0:14:51 > 0:14:56# Cowards found our fight unappetising
0:14:56 > 0:15:00# And so I had to wreck 'em all
0:15:00 > 0:15:04# Took no prisoners at all
0:15:04 > 0:15:08# Burned those towns down to the ground
0:15:08 > 0:15:12# Killed every Roman I found
0:15:14 > 0:15:18# I never meant to start a war
0:15:18 > 0:15:22# Actually that's not so,
0:15:22 > 0:15:27# Just wanted every Roman to pack up their villa and go
0:15:27 > 0:15:31# So Roman Britain starts to fall
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# Shame I hadn't reckoned all
0:15:34 > 0:15:38# These legions would arrive from Rome
0:15:38 > 0:15:42# And we're fighting them for our homes
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# Won't stop till I deck 'em all
0:15:46 > 0:15:50# Every soldier, every general
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# My plan was just to go berserk
0:15:54 > 0:15:59# And wrecking seems to work, to work, to work
0:15:59 > 0:16:04# To work, to work, to work. #
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Oi, oi, Queen Boudica here, and I've got a quiz question for you.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15We Celts love sacrificing animals to the gods and eating them
0:16:15 > 0:16:20for our dinner, but which animal is sacred to my tribe, the Iceni?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Is it...?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32The answer is C - horses.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35We'll happily murder Romans or sacrifice other Celts
0:16:35 > 0:16:38but Iceni wouldn't dare harm a lovely horse.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Oh, no, we'd much rather have pictures of them
0:16:41 > 0:16:43engraved on our jewellery for good luck.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47Of course, if a Roman was on a horse and the horse
0:16:47 > 0:16:50got in the way of my sword...
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Ouch.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Well, accidents do happen!
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Meanwhile, over in Rome,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58there was a new Emperor in charge called Nero,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00and he soon heard about Boudica's rebellion in Britain -
0:17:00 > 0:17:03although at first, he wasn't really that bothered.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07# My name is Nero
0:17:07 > 0:17:10# I'm a lyre hero
0:17:10 > 0:17:12# Ooh. #
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, that was too much, ha-ha.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18And upload to BooTube... Ha-ha.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh, no hits.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Hmm, right, OK...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Hmm... - PHONE RINGS
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Decianus Catus? What does he want?
0:17:42 > 0:17:43Hail, Nero.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Hail me. What's up, bro-heem?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Queen Boudica has unfriended you.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I thought she loved Rome?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54All we did was nick all her money, wreck her house, flog her,
0:17:54 > 0:17:56and torture her daughters -
0:17:56 > 0:17:58and suddenly she's marching on Colchester
0:17:58 > 0:18:00and slaughtering everyone.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01Holy Venus.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08HE GASPS
0:18:09 > 0:18:10She's heading to London!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Don't worry, I'm miles away.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I legged it to Gaul.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Erm, can I also get some nibbles?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Olives...no pips.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Go away.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22HE GROANS
0:18:22 > 0:18:25PHONE RINGS
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Hail, Nero.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Yeah, hail me. Erm, listen, Boudica's heading to London
0:18:29 > 0:18:31and she's, like, totes enraged.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33I know, I'm on my way to fight her -
0:18:33 > 0:18:35just as soon as this foot-rub is finished.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Harder. Ah, watch the corns!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40So you can... you can save London, yeah?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41London and St Albans have had it
0:18:41 > 0:18:43but after she's crushed those cities,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46she's in a lot of trouble. This could be the battle that makes me famous.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Oh, this is too much like hard work.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I never liked the place anyway.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I'm pulling the army out of Britain. Hmm.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Oh, hello...
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Someone's left a comment on my lyre hero page. Huh.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, Boudica here!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12You know, I'm the one trying to kick the Romans out of Britain!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15Your playing was rubbish.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20OMG, this is you, "My name's Nero, I'm a lyre hero.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24"I wish I had talent but I've got zero!"
0:19:24 > 0:19:27NERO GULPS Honestly, the Romans deserved to
0:19:27 > 0:19:30be slaves, ruled by a Roman woman like you.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31How do you like them apples?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33No-one trolls my art
0:19:33 > 0:19:34and gets away with it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36She is history.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I will, like, open, like, a full can of whoop-bottom on her.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40Erm...let battle commence.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Suetonius! Suetonius!
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Just updating my battle status to "currently at war with Boudica".
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Yeah, well, I should hope so, so, great, thanks.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Ugh, ugh!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Ah, I'm all hot now.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58So, Boudica's army prepared to fight the Roman legions
0:19:58 > 0:20:01and our Celtic druid doctors got ready to help the wounded -
0:20:01 > 0:20:04although I'm not sure they were much use.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Ah, it's Mrs Carver, isn't it?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Yes, is Dr Hannity not available?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14He's been called away to a very important golf match.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19I'm Dr Quzhy-hoch, a druid from the time of Queen Boudica.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21What an unusual name, how's that spelt?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I've no idea.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Now...
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Milo?
0:20:28 > 0:20:29It's written in your book.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30No it isn't.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33What seems to be the problem?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35- Well, he's got a bad cough, doctor. - MILO COUGHS
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Yeah.- There are a few ways we can treat your cough.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Cough medicine?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41No, we don't deal in magic here.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Ingest this roast mouse.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- That's not going to happen. No... - Come on!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- Mum, he's trying to put a mouse in my mouth!- Milo...
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh - squeamish?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Hmm... Well, let's try transference medicine.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Oh, that sounds better!
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It's a very popular treatment
0:21:00 > 0:21:03where we transfer the strength of an animal into you.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05How would you like to be as strong as an ox?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07- SHE GASPS - An ox!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Yeah, I suppose.- Mmm.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Just climb into this bath
0:21:11 > 0:21:13of ox blood, meat and bone marrow,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15and lie in it for three days and nights
0:21:15 > 0:21:21while I perform a ritual dance, and you'll be as strong as brave Boudica.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24HE SINGS GIBBERISH
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Now can we go?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28(Actually that's a good idea.)
0:21:28 > 0:21:31SINGING CONTINUES
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Oh...
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Some people are so narrow-minded.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Now, you might think that bathing in animal blood is fairly extreme.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49And yeah, it is. It's a big wound, and you need a big cure.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50But for a smaller cut,
0:21:50 > 0:21:55what animal medicine is sure to heal you up nice and fast?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Is it:
0:22:05 > 0:22:06The answer is:
0:22:09 > 0:22:13We Celts believe a dog's lick will help a wound to heal.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Though that said, if your wound is a bite from a vicious dog,
0:22:16 > 0:22:18it's probably best just to leave the dog alone
0:22:18 > 0:22:21and not ask it to lick you, otherwise you'll end up
0:22:21 > 0:22:24with loads more wounds and, er... very little licking.
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Oi!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28SINGS:
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Hello, I'm Jeff Reason, and welcome to Battles of the Day.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50A small, disciplined force
0:22:50 > 0:22:53is about to take on a mass of screaming lunatics.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Friday night in Portsmouth?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59No, we're live from ancient Britain for the Battle of Watling Street.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's Boudica's Celtic rebels
0:23:01 > 0:23:04versus the Romans of Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09Here to provide a perfect blend of expert analysis
0:23:09 > 0:23:11and gruesome details, it's Jamie Castle.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Now, we're somewhere between London and Birmingham,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18nobody's sure exactly, but Watling Street, it's quite an arena.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20That's right, Jeff, it's a huge gorge.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23The Romans have set themselves up here,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26with the forest behind them creating a natural U shape.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Boudica's army have closed it up
0:23:28 > 0:23:30here with a wagon semicircle.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Nobody's getting out of here in a hurry.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I think there'll be a few dead bodies today, Jeff.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38That is the idea, but does that worry the Celts? Chris Staycalmer.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Not at all, Jeff - they're in a party mood.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43They've even brought their families along to watch Boudica
0:23:43 > 0:23:46battle from their wagons at the rear.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Women, children, dogs - it's completely mad,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51but there's a great atmosphere.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53We're going to have a quick word with a Celtic mum here.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Tell me, what can you expect from today?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Well, you know, Chris, a bite to eat,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03watching the Romans get hacked to bloody pieces by our girl Boudica.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- Whoo!- Just a nice family day out.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08SHOUTING AND CHEERING
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Come on!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- Give me a C!- ALL: C!
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Give me an E!- ALL: E!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Give me an L!- ALL: L!
0:24:16 > 0:24:17- Give me a T!- ALL: T!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- Give me an S!- ALL: S!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21What does it spell?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25We don't know, Celts can't read or write!
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Which is a shame.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Boudica!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Boudica, excuse me, you seem very confident today.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35Er, well, we've got the Romans outnumbered!
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- And we're 100,000... - CHEERING
0:24:38 > 0:24:40..to their 10,000, and I tell you,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43I'm going to love it when we beat 'em, love it.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Come on!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47CHEERING
0:24:47 > 0:24:49She is brimming with confidence.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And that Roman shield wall is brimming with javelins.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54And of course Boudica's army have got nowhere to run to.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56They're trapped in the gorge by their own wagons -
0:24:56 > 0:24:58that must be pretty galling.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00No, the Gauls are in France, Jeff.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03It's Chris Staycalmer!
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Celts are all over the place, bits of them are everywhere.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09The Romans are killing everything in sight,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13women, children, even the dogs, Jeff.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Boudica, Boudica, can you come back from this?
0:25:16 > 0:25:21Er... well, we lost the battle, and, erm...
0:25:21 > 0:25:22I'm going to poison myself...
0:25:22 > 0:25:26So, no, not really.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Here comes General Suetonius now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31General, General... Can we have a couple of words, please?
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Sure, have two.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- Kill him.- What?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36No... no... No! No! No!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Well, that is completely out of order.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I know - I can't believe they killed the dogs, Jeff.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So with her army defeated,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Boudica killed herself rather than become a Roman prisoner.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52but Boudi's brave rebellion nearly 2,000 years ago
0:25:52 > 0:25:56has become a proud symbol of the fight for freedom.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59That's one impressive lady.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# My grisly interviews
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# They're dead and famous too! #
0:26:11 > 0:26:13DEATH LAUGHS
0:26:13 > 0:26:17You - why can't you be this funny when the cameras are rolling?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Honestly, isn't he funny?
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Very dry sense of humour, dry as a bone!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23HE LAUGHS CYMBAL CLASHES
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Dry as a bone, because he's a skeleton.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27HE LAUGHS
0:26:27 > 0:26:29So much for the warm-up.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Time for my next guest.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Please put your hands together,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36or your stumps, or whatever you've got left,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39and give a huge, massive, crazy welcome
0:26:39 > 0:26:43to former Celtic leader, Boudica!
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Or don't, you know.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50No sense of showbiz.
0:26:50 > 0:26:55So, Boudica, the wheels finally fell off your chariot, eh?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Yes, but it was a cause worth dying for,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00driving the Romans out of Britain.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Well, they did stay for another 350 years after you died,
0:27:04 > 0:27:08so, er... I wouldn't get too cocky, love.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I did not come here to be insulted.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I thought that's exactly why you came here.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13HE LAUGHS CYMBAL CLASHES
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Quick quiz question.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18What do dentists tell their patients to say?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Aaaaargh!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Correct.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23HE LAUGHS
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Boudica there.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Or as I like to call her, Britony Spears.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Because, Briton-y Spears.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33WIND WHISTLES
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I told you that wouldn't get a laugh.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38What do you mean I didn't say it right? Well, you say it then.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Ha-ha!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Everyone's a critic, aren't they?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Chatty Death, Chatty Death
0:27:44 > 0:27:47# Hope next time it's not you Whoo-hoo! #
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# The ugly truth, no glam or glitz We showed you all the juicy bits
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# Gory, ghastly, mean and cruel
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Stuff they don't teach you at school
0:27:59 > 0:28:02# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:02 > 0:28:08Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #