0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:12 > 0:00:13# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:15 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:31# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Horrible Histories presents...
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Ah, romance. Finding a perfect partner can be tricky.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45That is certainly what Henry VIII did.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48He had a grand total of six wives.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Yes, six.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Everyone is looking for that
0:00:55 > 0:00:56special one in their life
0:00:56 > 0:00:59and for a king they must be royally special.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Welcome to Historical First Dates.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Henry VIII of England has arrived
0:01:04 > 0:01:05for his first date.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Yeah, I'm pretty nervous.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10But...they tell me she's fit.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Catherine is a princess of a powerful country
0:01:13 > 0:01:15and a devout Catholic.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I just pray she's good at real tennis.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- I'm Henry.- Catherine.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22BOTH: Oh, no.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26She's also Henry's dead brother's widow.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30Seriously, does no-one check if the dates were married to your brother?
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Surely that's page one?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Along with, does she play real tennis?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37This is a bit of a nonstarter, isn't it?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I mean, the Tudor Church doesn't even recognise in-laws as a thing,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42so you're actually my sister.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44This is not ancient Egypt, so...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46It is a total disaster.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I am the daughter of the most powerful king in all of Europe
0:01:49 > 0:01:52and there is not that many people my Spanish father
0:01:52 > 0:01:55would be happy with me marrying.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Your brother was perfect...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- till he died. - Yeah, although you guys
0:02:00 > 0:02:02weren't married that long, were you?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Si. This is true. - I could ask the Pope
0:02:04 > 0:02:07to say that you weren't married long enough for it to count,
0:02:07 > 0:02:08kind of like a four-second rule,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10when you drop a biscuit on the floor or a piece of salami.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14- Yes.- I mean, he's bound to agree.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- How hard can this be?- OK.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Then, brother, we shall be married.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22- Maybe drop the whole brother thing though, yeah?- Will do.
0:02:22 > 0:02:23So it went pretty well?
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Si, si, I shall be marrying the heir to the throne of England...
0:02:28 > 0:02:31again. I mean, for the first time.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34The other first time did not count.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Good time, sis. I mean, wife, not sis.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Unfortunately, the marriage wasn't to last.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Henry divorced Catherine of Aragon 24 years later
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and he was single again.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Lucky fella.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51What do you mean by that?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Ratalie, I didn't know you were there.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You smell lovely.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Is that Raw Sewage by Lady Gag?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Don't you try and flatter me, Rattus.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05If you think being single is wonderful, why don't you try it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07We are through.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Ratalie, I don't want to be single.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I'll have to wash my armpits and brush my whiskers
0:03:15 > 0:03:18and put in some actual effort. I've forgotten how, frankly.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Wait, I know.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Who are the most fashionable people in the world?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26The Italians.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Maybe I could learn a thing or two from them.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Bruv, you look fresh, yeah?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Thanks, fam. So jealous of your curves, though, man.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37- They are lit. - What? These little things?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Yeah, bruv. What's your secret?
0:03:39 > 0:03:40Weights? Cardio?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42- Tights.- Tights, bro?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Tights are tight. Check this.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Get some spare tights, you get me?
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tights,
0:03:47 > 0:03:50like the must-have for every Italian Renaissance guy because they make
0:03:50 > 0:03:52you look like leggy and whatnot.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Yeah, but these tights, fam,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56you stuff them down your shirt.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- I call it a "buff stuff". - Buff stuff.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Oh, man, that is perfection!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06You got swag. Man, this is on point.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Whoa.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Talking of point...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Check it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Props, man. - Man, those shoes are on fleek, yeah?
0:04:13 > 0:04:14I'm going to have to up my game.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Man going to see you come into the room 30 seconds
0:04:17 > 0:04:18before you get in it, innit?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20They're the latest thing in Milan, man.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Yeah, but, man, can you dance in those?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26BOTH: Whoa!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Can I dance? Does that answer your question?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Man is going to slay.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Guys, guys, check this.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Oh, yeah, bruv, you've got a little bit of bum showing there, man.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Only a little bit? How about now?
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Nice, yes, that's the one, man.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Keep that, yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44OK, squad, we good to go?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47First, selfie.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Obviously.
0:04:50 > 0:04:51Selfie stick.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Squeeze in together.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- Nice.- Hashtag Renaissance boys!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02# Ah... #
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Hello. I'm Saint Valentine,
0:05:05 > 0:05:12a very holy man, who is remembered for trying to help people find love.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It eventually got me into a great deal of trouble and I was executed
0:05:15 > 0:05:19for doing it. A great sacrifice.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21But how do you remember me?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24By sending each other stupid cards.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"Roses are red, violets are blue!
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"Here is a Valentine's card,
0:05:29 > 0:05:33"which has actually nothing to do with Saint Valentine."
0:05:33 > 0:05:35And 1861 was the first time...
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Well, actually, do you know what people sent each other for the first
0:05:39 > 0:05:40time in 1861?
0:05:40 > 0:05:46Was it...A, fluffy teddy bears holding a heart?
0:05:46 > 0:05:51B, boxes of chocolates, or C, heart-shaped cupcakes?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53The answer is...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55B, boxes of chocolates.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Mr Cadbury was trying to find another use
0:05:58 > 0:05:59for his drinking chocolate,
0:05:59 > 0:06:02so he made little chocolate treats and put them in a box
0:06:02 > 0:06:07with hearts all over it. And people actually ate these silly,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09you know, delicious...
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Very delicious...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15These are very good, have you tried these?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18These are glorious. I think I might take the box.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20No...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Right, internet dating.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Apparently, I need to look smart and make a short video
0:06:26 > 0:06:28to show myself off. Here goes.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Hi, my name is Rattus.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35I'm 44 centimetres tall and have all my own teeth.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Classy.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38I'm looking for a lady who likes eating out...
0:06:38 > 0:06:42of bins...and whose name is Ratalie.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Ratalie.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Oh, Ratalie, why did you leave me?!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49HE SOBS
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You know, the internet is a funny place to find a date,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55but there have been much stranger ways in history.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Tall, skinny potage mit herby sprinkles.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03- Thanks, Gertrude.- Welcome.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- You like her, don't you?- What?
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Gertrude, no.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yeah, I do, I do. Quite a lot.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Yeah. Well, you know what you have to do, don't you?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Yeah, I know, I know. Go over there, talk to her,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17give her a bit of the old charm, boom.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20What? No. This is medieval Bavaria, mate.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21You don't just talk to her.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Don't worry. It's easy.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27All you need to do is conjure up a demon.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- A demon?- Yeah. Conjure up a demon, demon bewitches girl,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35girl falls in love with boy and job's a good 'un.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36I think I'll go over there
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and see if she fancies a picnic.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42That is so lame.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Do you even know how to summon a demon?
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Of course I know how to summon a demon.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51I've done it on numerous occasions, but just to check...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53How would you do that, please?
0:07:53 > 0:07:54All you need is a dove.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55DOVE COOS!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- A dove? - DOVE COOS!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Right.- Then you need to drain the dove's blood.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01SQUELCH!
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Then use it to draw picture of the woman on a female dog skin.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06SQUELCH!
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Great. OK. So, dove's blood, dog's skin, lady picture.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- Got it.- Then you need to write the name of the demon
0:08:13 > 0:08:14on the dog skin drawing
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and burn some myrrh and saffron to fumigate it,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18and hang it around your neck.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21So, from the beginning, it's dove's blood, dog skin, lady picture,
0:08:21 > 0:08:23demon's name, hideous necklace.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Yes.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Then you need to go to a secret place,
0:08:27 > 0:08:30draw a circle in the dirt with a sword and stand in the middle.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34- And that's it? - Yes. How would you do it?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Pretty much the same, yeah.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38What are you waiting for, chap? Go get her!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41MAN CHANTS
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Just my luck. Now Fabian's chatting her up.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44This is really...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Told you, dude, it's the demon dog skin.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Do you have a girlfriend, then?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- No.- No.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Did not think so.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59For some, the lightning strikes first time.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02But, for others, love can be harder to find.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05King Henry is back looking for the one...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08..or another the one.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11How's it going? I'm Henry.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Wow!
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Fit.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22So...game on. Let's get working on this male heir, shall we?
0:09:22 > 0:09:23- You free tomorrow?- Yes.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Let's get married.- Yeah.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I probably should have mentioned this...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I am actually married already.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Then divorce her.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36That's a good idea. Problem is,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I'm a massive Catholic and we don't really do divorce.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43Plus, she hasn't really done anything wrong
0:09:43 > 0:09:45for the 17 years we've been together. It's tricky.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's a little bit tricky. It's tricky.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Goodbye.- Wait! I have an idea.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56It looks like you managed to sort out the divorce issue.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Yes, yes. It was actually very simple.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01All I had to do was dismantle the entire Catholic church
0:10:01 > 0:10:04throughout England and Wales, set up a brand-new church
0:10:04 > 0:10:07with myself as the head, and grant myself a divorce.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Simples. It was actually quite a lot of work.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12I'm really happy.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I could really lose my head over with one.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Good times.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Henry made Anne Boleyn his second wife,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22but just three years later he had her head chopped off.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Still, at least they loved each other at the start.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Some royals get married
0:10:26 > 0:10:30just to make their country richer and more powerful.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Royal marriages can be dead complicated.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37You join us for the royal wedding of the British Prince of Wales,
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Frederick, to the German Princess Augusta.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43What a thrill it is to be here...
0:10:43 > 0:10:44at such short notice.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47King George II and Queen Caroline of Britain here.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Frederick warmly greeting his royal parents.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55And here she is, the radiant young bride, Princess Augusta herself.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Clinging to her mother's skirts as
0:10:57 > 0:10:59she is tenderly dragged down the aisle.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01How utterly charming.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03And of course what a whirlwind courtship it has been.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It was only last month that Prince Frederick
0:11:05 > 0:11:08agreed to marry this woman, whom he had never met,
0:11:08 > 0:11:09so that his lovely parents would
0:11:09 > 0:11:12give him lots of their delightful money.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Now comes that magical moment when the bride and
0:11:14 > 0:11:16groom are finally face-to-face.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I'm expecting fireworks.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20SHE VOMITS
0:11:20 > 0:11:25What a wonderful outpouring of emotion from such a young princess.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29I think Queen Caroline may have been hit by a bit of the splashback.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31What a thoughtful and fitting tribute
0:11:31 > 0:11:33to the bride's new mother-in-law.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I now pronounce you husband and wife.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Augusta, of course, not understanding a word
0:11:41 > 0:11:42the Archbishop says
0:11:42 > 0:11:44as she only speaks German.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Queen Caroline translating there,
0:11:48 > 0:11:50obviously as keen as the rest of us
0:11:50 > 0:11:51for this fragrant young woman
0:11:51 > 0:11:52to join the Royal Family...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56..and inject a bit of cash at the same time.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Very good, very good. We're all married now, aren't we?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well done, me. Come on.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Oh, you absolutely stink of vomit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Prince Frederick there really is head over heels for his new bride.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Quite literally.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh, simply marvellous.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I'm welling up.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Love works in mysterious ways.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21But even married couples can't always be together,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24and in times of war, many have found themselves separated
0:12:24 > 0:12:26from their loved ones.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28But not for these ancient Greeks.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30They took them with them.
0:12:30 > 0:12:36Men of the Sacred band of Thebes, we are famous across the world!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Armies quake at our name
0:12:38 > 0:12:42because they know that, for every man we face,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- they face two!- Hoo-ha!
0:12:44 > 0:12:49We are the only regiment in the world made up of couples!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Hoo-ha!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, everyone.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- We're late. Carry on. - We weren't late.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58He was. Typical. A bit of forward planning wouldn't go amiss.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Can we not do this now, please?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- HE MOUTHS:- I'm sorry.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08We fight in pairs because we know that, no matter what,
0:13:08 > 0:13:13when our lives are in danger, our partners will be there for us!
0:13:13 > 0:13:15That would be a nice change, wouldn't it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Men, on my signal,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- march!- Hoo-ha!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22- Hang on.- What?!
0:13:22 > 0:13:23One second. Sorry, Malcolm.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I really think we should talk about this now.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I would hate for you to have this playing on your mind when you're
0:13:28 > 0:13:30supposed to be protecting me from a Spartan attack.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Well, what if I don't want to talk now?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What do you mean? You can't do that.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Guys, can we please speed it up?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I mean, we do have a battle to go to.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I don't want to lose just because
0:13:41 > 0:13:44of some petty argument about someone being late.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45So being late isn't important?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Two hours my mum kept that meal warm for you.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49I didn't... I didn't mean that.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Please don't undermine me in front of my men, it's embarrassing.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Excuse me.
0:13:56 > 0:13:57I mean, our men. Our men.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Typical, this is so typical of you.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- How was it typical of me? - It's always the same.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I don't think we should do this in front of the men.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Well, I don't think we should be doing it but we are.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07- OK.- All right, all right.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09If we all argue, we will miss the battle.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Not like you to miss something.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Oh, here we go again.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14- Yes, here we go again, actually. - Unbelievable.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:14:19 > 0:14:21You wait a minute.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24See? This is why we Spartans don't allow couples in our army.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Hey, don't push him, please.
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Shove-y Sheila.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Shall we attack?- I'm not getting in the middle of that.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Together at last,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38the most romantic love letters of all-time set to music,
0:14:38 > 0:14:41featuring their original words...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Including the ancient Egyptian classic...
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# Ooh, aah
0:14:46 > 0:14:48# My heart is carefree
0:14:48 > 0:14:50# Like a redfish in its fish pond
0:14:50 > 0:14:53# Your voice rejuvenates me like fat
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# Mixed with honey
0:14:55 > 0:14:59# Your love has joined to me like incense to the nose
0:14:59 > 0:15:02# I'm exhilarated without beer
0:15:02 > 0:15:05# He's exhilarated without beer
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# Without beer!
0:15:08 > 0:15:11# Yeah, yeah, without beer! #
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And the soaring love letters of
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Russian Czar Nicholas II and Czarina Alexandra.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# You are my very life, sweetheart
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Off you go again alone
0:15:22 > 0:15:27# No more kisses and tender caresses for so long
0:15:27 > 0:15:28# I love you, I long for you terribly
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# I kiss you tenderly and love you infinitely
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# Farewell till our next meeting, my darling Alexey
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Yours eternally, your old hubby, Nicky. #
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Peace out.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40And from the Emperor of France and his notorious lover
0:15:40 > 0:15:44comes the country ballad that took Europe by storm. Well, most of it.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# Josephine, Josephine, Josephine, Josephine
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# Not a word from you, what on earth have I done?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# To think only of you, to love only Josephine
0:15:57 > 0:15:59# To live only for my wife
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# Does this deserve such harsh treatment from her?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# You alone who rules my heart knows only too well
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# The power you hold over me
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# Write to me, think of me and love me
0:16:10 > 0:16:11# Josephine! #
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Yours ever for life, Bonaparte.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22It's drippy, it's soppy
0:16:22 > 0:16:24and you need a copy.
0:16:24 > 0:16:25Order it now.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Some are lucky in love.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33They meet the woman of their dream
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and then spend the rest of their life with them.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Others just chopped their heads off.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40King Henry is back looking for the next,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43next special one in his life.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46The specially special special one.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Hi, hi, hi.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51How's it going?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- Henry.- Jane Seymour.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Look, I'm... I'm sorry if I don't seem in a great mood.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I'm just getting over a pretty tough break-up.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I'm sorry to hear that. You must be heartbroken.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Yes. Well, to be fair, it's harder on her.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I mean, she is in bits.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07GUILLOTINE SLICES
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Look, do you want to get married? I need a male heir pretty sharpish.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Yes? Great. Cheque.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Henry, you look really happy.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Well, I am. Really happy.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22She's the best one yet. She's a winner.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25A keeper. Not a divorcey.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Not a, you know, choppy.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30She's a keeper AND she's brilliant at real tennis.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Fantastic drop shot.- Good times...
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- I hope.- Yes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37BELL TOLLS
0:17:37 > 0:17:38She died.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Yeah. Pretty upset about that, actually.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44King Henry is back.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Blah, blah, blah. Yadda, yadda. Special one in his life.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Blah, blah, you know.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Hey. How's it going?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I'm...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54not...Henry VIII.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Wrong restaurant.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Taxi!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Henry, tell us what happened.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04So we kind of had to get married in the end.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Politics. But we got divorced straight after and I gave her
0:18:08 > 0:18:11a bunch of properties, so she can live off the rent and it's all
0:18:11 > 0:18:14pretty much cool, basically. Yeah.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'm straight back in to the next one,
0:18:16 > 0:18:18which could be the one.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Or the...third.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Or fourth. Which one is it?
0:18:24 > 0:18:25The fifth.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32King Henry just kept rushing into marriage after marriage.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33You wouldn't catch me doing that.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37My name is Rattus and I'll marry anyone
0:18:37 > 0:18:39who will go on a date with me.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42They don't even have to come to the wedding.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Take a look at this couple.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of
0:18:50 > 0:18:54King Alfonso III, King of Aragon, and Princess Eleanor.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Oi! That is not Eleanor.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Is it?- Eleanor cannot be here today,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02it is a long way to travel from England,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06but John De Vesci is here as her proxy.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Delighted to meet you.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09No need to do the voice.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12I'm definitely not marrying this man in a dress.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15No, no. I told him the dress was not necessary but he insisted.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Well, you can't blame me for wanting to look nice.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's supposed to be the happiest day of my life.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22No, because you are not Princess Eleanor.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24It is not the happiest day of your life,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25it is the happiest day of her life.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29It's definitely not going to be the happiest day of my life if I have to
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- marry him.- He is not your wife.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Yet.- John!
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Stop it. Ready?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Do you, King Alfonso,
0:19:38 > 0:19:43take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- Sorry, who am I again? - King Alfonso the III.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49OK, but I don't know if I can do his voice.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You can absolutely do his voice
0:19:51 > 0:19:53because you are King Alfonso III.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Oh! Si, claro! Got it.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Good point. OK, let's do this.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Do you, Princess Eleanor,
0:20:00 > 0:20:03take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- I do!- No, you don't!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You are King Alfonso III.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08I'm not asking you!
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I do. I promised I wouldn't cry, but...
0:20:12 > 0:20:16By the power vested in me, you are now man and wife.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18You may now kiss the bride.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22No! What are you doing?! That is the best man!
0:20:22 > 0:20:24How could you?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26OK, you're married, I'm out of here. Peace out.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27BELLS RING
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Please! Don't be like this!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Come back, darling!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37I'm Shah Jahan, a Mughal emperor of India.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41I'm just showing my builders how big I want my Taj Mahal to be.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42No, no, bigger!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44I want snow on the top!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50When it's finished, my Taj Mahal will be spectacular,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54but can you tell me why I'm building it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Is it A, to say thank you to my
0:20:57 > 0:21:01favourite wife for making me a delicious pudding,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05B, to apologise to my favourite wife for leaving the toilet seat up, or
0:21:05 > 0:21:08C, a tribute to my favourite wife as she has sadly passed away?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12The answer is C, a tribute to my favourite wife
0:21:12 > 0:21:14after she sadly passed away.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19I started building it in 1632 as a romantic gesture
0:21:19 > 0:21:21to honour the memory of my late wife.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25It's such a shame when your favourite wife dies.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Yes, I've got others but she was the best.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31No, no, bigger. You know that thing you've just built?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34That but bigger.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36You just can't get the staff these days.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44So Shah Jahan dedicated his Taj Mahal to his lost love.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48But even when you have found love, it can still be difficult.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52In France, Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI celebrated their wedding
0:21:52 > 0:21:55with a lavish ceremony and thousands of well-wishers.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Then, as the day drew to a close,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00they looked forward to spending some quality time
0:22:00 > 0:22:02alone together, or did they?
0:22:03 > 0:22:06So here we are alone, my wife,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08on our wedding night.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Just you and me.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Oh!- Oh!- Oh! >
0:22:12 > 0:22:14So sweet! >
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Just you and me and the courtiers, who follow our every move.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Oh, don't mind us, Marie Antoinette. We are not here.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Yeah, but you kind of are, though.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26This is the Royal Court.
0:22:26 > 0:22:27There is no privacy here.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31We watch everything - royal deaths, royal weddings, even royal births.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, I love a good birth.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Oh, me too.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35So cute.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37So gross.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39But don't worry, you can rely on us
0:22:39 > 0:22:42to tell everyone else all about it tomorrow.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Er, what do we do now?
0:22:44 > 0:22:49I think perhaps a kiss is traditional.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- A kiss, that is the thing with the...- Oui.
0:22:53 > 0:22:54I think it goes something like...
0:22:57 > 0:23:01ALL: Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That is not how you kiss, your Highness.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05You put your mouth together like this.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Yeah, like an angry trout.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11No, no, no. It should be more like a salmon.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- A cross salmon. - Who wants to kiss a salmon?
0:23:13 > 0:23:15A mackerel, your Highness.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19- Like a mackerel.- A cod. Cod.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20No.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23No, no, no. This kissing business is too difficult.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24I want to play with my clocks.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26You don't have to kiss a clock.
0:23:26 > 0:23:27In fact, it is discouraged.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Right. OK.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33I've had enough of this. Everyone out of the bedroom, please.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Come on. Out! Allez!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37I cannot think why.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Party pooper.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Everyone. Yes.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I can see you. Off you pop.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Not you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Oh, second thoughts, night-night.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03He is back. Number five. I give up.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Easy, easy, easy, easy.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16OK. I've been divorced, executed one wife and another died.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19But I'm the King, so you have to marry me.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21OK. I'm Katherine Howard.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Who's this guy?
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I'm Thomas Culpeper.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- I'm her boyf...- ..frumple. Boyfrumple.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- It's a new word for servant, or assistant.- Ow!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Henry, I can't help noticing that Catherine isn't with you.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42No. Turns out there was something going on with that young man.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Amazing. I was told he was a boyfrumple.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Who knew?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Anyway, had to have her executed, naturally.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54It was a shame but it does mean I'm back on the market.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57To be honest, I'm getting on a bit.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59What I really need is a nurse.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- What's your name?- Catherine Parr.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Do you want to get married, Catherine?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08You'll be pretty much the same as now,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09except you'll be wearing diamonds
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and when you help me into the room next time everyone will address you
0:25:12 > 0:25:14as "Your Majesty".
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Erm, yeah, OK, cool.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Great. Good times.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21- You still have to wipe bot-bot though.- Hmm.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Oh, sorry.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Catherine Parr was the last of Henry's six wives
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and they were still married when he died,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36so he kind of has a happy ending and so do me and Ratalie.
0:25:36 > 0:25:41We are back together and I'm going to ask her to marry me.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh, Ratalie.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48Please accept this ring of 100% pure cheese and make me
0:25:48 > 0:25:51the happiest rat in the world.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, Rattus, of course.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Hang on, where's the ring?
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Oh, I ate that. I was hoping you'd be happy with the box.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01SHE SCREAMS
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Oh, well. Looks like I'm single again. I guess it's not all bad.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11This famous 18th-century Italian certainly seemed to enjoy himself.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Take it away, Casanova.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23# Hey, come on over
0:26:23 > 0:26:25# I'll tell you the story of Casanova
0:26:25 > 0:26:29# I'm the hobo who...
0:26:29 > 0:26:32# Me, a musician, spy, diplomat, dandy, physician
0:26:32 > 0:26:34# Gambler, soldier, broker, self-taught
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# Catholic priest, astronaut
0:26:37 > 0:26:38# OK, that last was a lie
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# But none of this what I am
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# Remembered by
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# I can't work out
0:26:44 > 0:26:45# Oo-ooh, just look at those eyes
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# Such well-dressed eyes
0:26:48 > 0:26:51# I, of all the guys I, I drive them wild
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# Helped cure a senator having a fit
0:26:54 > 0:26:58# In noble circles I became a hit
0:26:59 > 0:27:02# Allowed me to adopt this lifestyle to wit
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# To wit, to wit
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# He's well lush and we know it
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# He's tasty and he show it
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Claim to write for Mozart
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# But mostly care about breaking girls' hearts
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# Bought jewels, gave up prayers
0:27:19 > 0:27:20# My mind too busy on other affairs
0:27:20 > 0:27:24# Invented the lottery, France a big fan
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# But falling in love is still my big plan
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Till one lady said
0:27:30 > 0:27:31# You dirty old man
0:27:31 > 0:27:34# Old man, old man
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# I was past it and I knew it
0:27:38 > 0:27:40# No love life and I blew it
0:27:43 > 0:27:45# Lost confidence in love and fighting
0:27:45 > 0:27:46# Dedicate my life to writing
0:27:46 > 0:27:48# Wave goodbye to Casanova
0:27:48 > 0:27:50# My life as a great lover over
0:27:50 > 0:27:52# He wrote this book, Story Of My Life
0:27:52 > 0:27:54# Every love affair and cheating wife
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# 130 all said and done
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# You wriggled your way out of every one
0:27:58 > 0:27:59# Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle, wriggle
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# I was well lush and I knew it
0:28:07 > 0:28:08# But that life I outgrew it
0:28:08 > 0:28:10# A new life thought I'd try it now
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Librarian, so quiet. #
0:28:12 > 0:28:13Shhhhh!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19Hello, again. Oh, no, that's an English accent. Sorry.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Forgot I was French.
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Alfonso! How could you?
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Ay...caramba!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:29 > 0:28:34# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #