0:00:02 > 0:00:04# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Gory stories, we do that
0:00:20 > 0:00:23# And your host, a talking rat
0:00:23 > 0:00:26# The past is no longer a mystery
0:00:26 > 0:00:27# Welcome to...
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Horrible Histories presents...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39In a country torn apart by war...
0:00:41 > 0:00:44..one man would rule them all -
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Wait, wait, wait. Ivan, the what-what?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51No, you mean Ivan the Great!
0:00:54 > 0:00:56He did create the whole of the Russian Empire...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01..by killing 50,000 people.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Wow, was it really that many?
0:01:02 > 0:01:05You lose count after the first few thousand.
0:01:05 > 0:01:10OK, what about Ivan the Loveable?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Because I was really sad when my son died.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19He really did need love when his son died...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22..because he murdered him!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Yeah, true, that is pretty terrible, even for me.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Nobody's perfect.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32What about Ivan the Amazing?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38He built the beautiful church of St Basil,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42and then blinded the architects so they couldn't build anything better.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44OK, fine, you know what?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ivan the Terrible it is, because I've just looked it up,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48and terrible does not mean horrible.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52In the Russian dictionary it means awesome, yeah!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Ivan the Terrible it is, then.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And don't you forget it!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Is he gone?
0:02:02 > 0:02:06Ivan the Terrible ruled Russia nearly 500 years ago,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09and was a truly Ruthless Ruler.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11You know, I've always thought I'd make a great king.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14But it's not easy to become a ruler.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17My best chance would probably be to marry a queen.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20But they won't just marry any old Tom, Dick or Ratus.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21HE CHUCKLES
0:02:21 > 0:02:25No, in fact, royal dating can be really complicated.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Everyone needs love in their lives, even royalty.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Bienvenue, welcome to Historical First Dates.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Elizabeth I of England is new to the throne,
0:02:39 > 0:02:42and looking in need of a husband to strengthen her position as queen.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44But she's late for her first date,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47and her potential husband is already waiting.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Sorry I'm late, I got... Oh.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Hello, Elizabeth.- Can't believe they would set me up with
0:02:52 > 0:02:56- my dead sister's husband. - I know, it's a little bit awks,
0:02:56 > 0:03:01but we would bring peace and prosperity to both our nations.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04You will obviously convert to Catholicism when we marry,
0:03:04 > 0:03:07and so will your country. And I will rule both as a king.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10- Olive?- No.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Will I see him again?
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Well, he called my mother a witch, and that was one of the high points.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I think we can deal with an armada or two.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22He's awful, I don't know how Mary put up with him.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Are there more olives coming?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- No more olives.- Oh.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It's not just finding love that's complicated for a ruler.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Even the simplest things like going for a walk
0:03:34 > 0:03:36or taking a royal wee can be tricky.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Take Elizabeth I's dad, Henry VIII.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42He thought everyone was out to get him,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44and that made a simple thing like going to bed
0:03:44 > 0:03:46very complicated indeed.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Night, night!
0:03:49 > 0:03:50CRASHING Ooh! Ow!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54MAN YAWNS
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Right!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58An early night, I think.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Sleepy Henry VIII after another hard day's ruling over everything.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Yes, good idea, sire.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06An early night. I shall just get the list, your highness.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Step one - check for assassins.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09- Oh!- Clear!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Step two - lay down a bed of down.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And three - check that no-one is hidden inside.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19Step four - lay pillows, sheets and blankets, and a luxury ermine cover.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Step five - all make the sign of the cross.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Step six - all kiss the royal bed.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Yes, all right, that's fine.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Step seven - sprinkle with holy water.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34Goodness' sake!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I just want to go to sleep.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Whose idea was all this nonsense?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Yours, sire.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Just give it here.
0:04:44 > 0:04:45Whip through these.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Step eight - bring near the royal night stool.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Step nine - lay out the royal dressing gown.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And finally, step ten -
0:04:58 > 0:05:01build a solid brick wall to prevent intruders getting anywhere near me
0:05:01 > 0:05:02as I sleep.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Come on!
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Ah! Bliss.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20Shhh!
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- COCKEREL CROWS - Morning sire, breakfast!
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Go away!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Got my crown, I've got my sash,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33but what I really need to be a Ruthless Ruler
0:05:33 > 0:05:36is a load of servants.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38I could do with the cleaners for a start.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40My home looks like a sewer.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Mind you, it is a sewer.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46But cleaning and making the beds aren't the worst jobs for a servant.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47They're not even close.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02A servant has never been closer to the seat of power.
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Morning, Charles.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- HE BREAKS WIND - Morning, Bridget.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Behind every great ruler is someone who has to empty
0:06:07 > 0:06:08their toilet.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Starring the pees and poos of five monarchs of Great Britain.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Today, I am to be executed, by Oliver...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- HE BREAKS WIND - ..Cromwell.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22It's OK to be nervous, Your Majesty.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Very nervous.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29From father to son, one woman was there to see it all.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34King Charles number two has done a King Charles number two.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38- Oh, sorry, post party poo. - HE LAUGHS
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Also starring William III...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Is this why they call it the royal WEE?
0:06:43 > 0:06:46HE GROANS ..and Mary II...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Bridget, you're the longest-serving royal servant in history.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Oh, that was a challenge.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Haven't you thought about retiring?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I'd miss all the, erm,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59glamour.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Bridget Holmes' Diary.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It's more of a log book, really.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Having looked abroad for a suitable match,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Elizabeth I is now looking closer to home.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Your date, Elizabeth.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Lord Dudley!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Thank you very much.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- Enjoy your date. - Will do, yeah.- Thank you.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- Brilliant.- I haven't seen you since we were kids.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Not still burping at the table, are you?- I hope not.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Those were the days, weren't they?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Fancy a quick game of duck-duck-goose sometime?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Geese are such funny birds.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40They just run around.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Yes. I'd definitely like to see him again.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- He's perfect.- Oh, thank you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45I mean, that's fantastic.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I just need to...
0:07:49 > 0:07:51check with my wife.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Wife?- Mm-hm.- Wife?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55What?!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Marriage between two rulers can be complicated enough,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04but marriage between two countries can be even harder,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07as James VI of Scotland found out
0:08:07 > 0:08:10when he became James I of England too.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- As James VI...
0:08:15 > 0:08:18..King of Scotland, and also...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- IN ENGLISH ACCENT:- ..James I, King of England...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- ..we're going to need a new united flag.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32Guys, chillax, the design cavalry have ridden into town.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Clip, clop. Welcome to Raising The Standards.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37And that was actually my idea.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- High five.- So, OK,
0:08:39 > 0:08:42we are the number one international historical flag designers.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46We are also the only international historical flag designers.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47- Low ten.- Great, cool.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49So, let's just throw some ideas around, see what sticks.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52There are no bad ideas.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Bulldog eating a haggis.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Ultimate bull's-eye, get your cloaks, we are done.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Bad idea.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Cloaks off, we're just getting started.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01On your marks, get set, boom.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- I've started.- Roast beef bagpipes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Nom, nom, nom, yes, please.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08- Definitely not.- OK, four words -
0:09:08 > 0:09:11tar, tan, stone, henge.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- Boom. Can I get an "och, aye" for yes, please?- Yes...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16No, you cannot! I just want a traditional flag.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Is that too much to ask?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19OK, boring.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Scottish flag next to English flag, me no likey,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24but you da ruler, innit!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26So, here you go.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Well, as King of Scotland, I like it.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30He scores a goal!
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- IN ENGLISH ACCENT:- But as King of England, I hate it.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- The Scots don't come first. - Disallowed, offside.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38OK, how about this?
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Oh, no, no, no.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41They're on top of us, for goodness' sake!
0:09:43 > 0:09:45We need something where we're equals!
0:09:45 > 0:09:50OK, look, the last thing we've got is this.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51At last, we'll take it.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Just one more totally, crazy idea,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57but we thought you might want to include the cross of St Patrick
0:09:57 > 0:10:00for Ireland at some point in the future.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03In which case, maybe, something like...
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Oh-ho-ho!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Well, if it happens, we'll take it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10I can't stand to be in the same room as these idiots again.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Not you guys, no, you're cool.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Those.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17How's that fair?
0:10:17 > 0:10:20He's got two kingdoms and I haven't got any.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22But there is another way to become a ruler,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25and that's to crush all your rivals.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's right, some rulers weren't even kings,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31they were just stronger and scarier than everyone else.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34We're calling them The Warlords.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36HE ROARS
0:10:53 > 0:10:55# Vlad the Impaler!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57# Attila the Hun!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01# Genghis Khan Or Khan-age to my chums!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04# Diplomacy - was not a fan
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# But when it comes to killing - Shaka can!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Spike my enemies As Impaler
0:11:12 > 0:11:16# I like to have 'em on a stake with my dinner
0:11:16 > 0:11:18# I eat flesh of wolves
0:11:18 > 0:11:21# Attila Hun
0:11:21 > 0:11:24# Smashed all countries before breakfast begun
0:11:24 > 0:11:27# We were the warlords from hell!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32# Specialise in death and upheaval
0:11:32 > 0:11:36# The warlords from hell!
0:11:36 > 0:11:41# Find in the dictionary under "evil"
0:11:41 > 0:11:43# Try the torturers
0:11:43 > 0:11:45# Lock up your daughter-ers
0:11:45 > 0:11:48# Warlords from hell!
0:11:49 > 0:11:53# 7,000 I had to snuff
0:11:53 > 0:11:57# Cos when my mummy died they didn't cry enough
0:11:57 > 0:12:01# On rampages through villages
0:12:01 > 0:12:05# 60,000 killed by pillages and stuff
0:12:05 > 0:12:09# My Huns terrorised the Roman Empire
0:12:09 > 0:12:14# I killed a million Left them all to expire
0:12:14 > 0:12:17# Mongol kingdom stretched Europe to China
0:12:17 > 0:12:19# I must have killed 40 million
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# Could have gone higher!
0:12:21 > 0:12:24# We were the warlords from hell!
0:12:25 > 0:12:26# Killed my bro
0:12:26 > 0:12:29# Mine tried to kill me - they wish
0:12:29 > 0:12:33# The warlords from hell!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37# Killed my bruv He wouldn't give back my fish
0:12:37 > 0:12:42# People thought I inspired the story of Dracula
0:12:42 > 0:12:45# Not killed with stake through heart but death still spectacular
0:12:45 > 0:12:49# Died while out hunting I fell off my horse
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# Killed by those pesky half siblings of course
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# Tough guy, Attila You die in a fight?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58# I died...
0:12:59 > 0:13:00- ALL:- Yes?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Nose bleed on my wedding night.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04You OK, Hun?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It was a really bad one, actually.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10# We were the warlords from hell!
0:13:10 > 0:13:15# All that's left of your town is burnt embers
0:13:15 > 0:13:16# World gone to pot
0:13:16 > 0:13:19# We're as bad as it got
0:13:19 > 0:13:22# Warlords...
0:13:26 > 0:13:30# ..from hell! #
0:13:35 > 0:13:37If you thought those rulers were bad,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40just wait till you see us Vikings.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42When Viking leader Cnut, came to England,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45he caused carnage trying to become king.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49And he got plenty of help from one particular new signing.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Welcome to Match Of The Danes!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55And you join us at a press conference with Viking manager,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Cnut the Great, about to reveal his surprise new signing,
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- Thorkell the Tall! - Oh, well, you know,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Thorkell is a great lad, you know, he's always giving 110%.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08And delighted to have him back on the team.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12We brought home some great trophies together in the past.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14The Archbishop of Canterbury's head.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Especially good.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Well, now, that T's back in the Vikings,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22it should help turn the tide,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26and hopefully get us back into Europe.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Thorkell's a controversial signing because until recently,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32he was fighting on the other side - for the Saxons!
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Well, for a big man, he's got great moves,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36but can he really do it on a rainy Tuesday night in Stoke?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- That's the question. - Couldn't agree more.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Thorkell, what about Eadric Streona?
0:14:41 > 0:14:43That's all we have time for, thank you.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Who's Eadric Streona?- Like you, he fought for the Saxons,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48transferred to Cnut, then got axed.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49When you say axed...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51No more questions, thank you.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Eadric Streona, did you...?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I said no more questions, please!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Not you, superstar, I was talking to them.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Still single, Queen Elizabeth I is attracting a lot of attention,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11but choosing someone to marry isn't easy.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14She's hoping this first date will set her heart aflutter.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Prince Eric, how are you?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I have date.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Fantastic, follow me.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Your Majesty, may I present you to your date, Prince Eric of Sweden.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Enjoy your date.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Thank you.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Hello, would you like to be my husband wife happy face?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39No, just...no. Fred?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Your Majesty?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Take him away.- At once.- Thank you.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43Come here.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Are you going to eat them? - Come here! It's enough!
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Ah, remember, your Highness, in order to win over the English
0:15:53 > 0:15:56public after all that Viking destruction you've caused,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59you have to show them that you are really, really, really,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- really sorry. - Yes, I know, but are you sure
0:16:02 > 0:16:05all this business with the beards is really necessary?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- I mean, it's hardly subtle. - I'm afraid it's vital you appear
0:16:08 > 0:16:12as sorry as possible. You've burned too many bridges.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17Like, literally burned them. And now you must mend those bridges.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Fine. I will win over the English people.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23But I still think the old two-pronged beard was a lot cooler.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27I mean, it was so pointy and...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- ..scary! - THE VIKINGS ALL YELL
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Stop it, stop it, stop it! Stop it, all of you!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35For the last time, you're not scary Vikings any more.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37What sort of Vikings are you?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- ALL:- Sorry Vikings!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Good. And don't think I didn't see that axe.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Sorry.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46All right?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47What's up?
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I am Cnut The Great, your new king, whatever.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53These are my boys.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- What's up?- Hey.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Basically, we just wanted to apologise,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00for all the, you know, destroying the churches
0:17:00 > 0:17:05and killing of the bishops and just the pillaging in general.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07As you can see, we've made a bit of an effort with the beards.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I hope you like them. Sorry.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Sorry for running at the English forces,
0:17:13 > 0:17:17the wind blowing in my lovely blond hair.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21Smashing the English army and screaming like a Viking!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Pillage the village! Pillage the village! Pillage the village!
0:17:27 > 0:17:30But, yeah, mostly just a very sorry Viking.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Well, you don't seem very sorry. One of you just killed my only chicken.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- That was him. I love chickens. - I love chickens, too.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- Sorry for the chicken as well. - That's fine, just...
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Sorry for my genius military strategy of building a canal
0:17:43 > 0:17:45to creep round the back of the London army
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and then running and screaming like a Viking!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Pillage the village!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Stop it. Stop it!
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- You've just stabbed Derek.- Yes.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Yes, I did. Derek, I'm sorry.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- It's fine.- Do you want me to help...? No?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It's fine. He can keep that.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- We'll get you a new Derek. - Get me a bigger Derek.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07A bigger Derek in the next village.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Which we will pillage!
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- ALL:- Pillage the village! - Stop it!- Sorry!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13Sorry.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19Ha! You know what I'd say if one of those Vikings or Huns or Mongols
0:18:19 > 0:18:22tried to tried to take my crown? I'd say,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24take it, it's all yours.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I don't think I'm cut out to be a ruthless ruler.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32Maybe I could be a gentle general or a kind king.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I mean, there must have been some rulers who were nice.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Mustn't there?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Ahem!
0:18:39 > 0:18:43People of the vast and mighty Persian Empire that stretches
0:18:43 > 0:18:47from Greece to India. A million Egyptians...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- HE MUTTERS - Bactrian... Bactrians?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Aren't they camels?- Erm...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Argh!- From this day forth,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I, Xerxes the Great, do hereby enshrine
0:18:59 > 0:19:02in law the right to happiness.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- They don't seem very excited, do they, General?- No, Your Majesty.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Or very happy.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15You guys, never before has anyone made being happy a law.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17You know, I'm being very liberal and also...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Er, excuse me, is this man wearing an otter skin?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Er, it's difficult to tell.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- I want to say cat. - The hunting of otters is illegal.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Execute him! No, no, no, better idea.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Bury him alive and as he's waiting to die, flick his ears really hard!
0:19:34 > 0:19:35THE MAN SCREAMS
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'm a good guy. I care about the happiness
0:19:38 > 0:19:40of my people. Like this man, here.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Come on. Now, I was on board this man's ship
0:19:44 > 0:19:47when I got caught in a terrible storm.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Oooh! - AUDIENCE GOES "OOOH"
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Yes, yes. And he saved my life by guiding the vessel to safety.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Yes, on your orders, I threw my crew overboard to lighten the ship,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01- so you'd survive.- You, sir, will be handsomely rewarded.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Oh, great, thank you!
0:20:03 > 0:20:07On the other hand, it was your ship that I was on
0:20:07 > 0:20:09when I nearly drowned, wasn't it?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- And you did murder all of your crew. - It was your idea.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Duh-duh-duh, yes, execute him!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17No, please!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Cut him in two, put him on either side of the road and get my army
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- to walk through him. - SWORD SLASHES AND MAN SCREAMS
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Now, where was I?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Oh, yes, the right to happiness.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Ta-dah! No?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Still nothing? I don't want to put any pressure
0:20:30 > 0:20:34on you, but if you don't look happy about the right to happiness,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36then that might make me unhappy.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38So, who's happy?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41THEY CHEER LOUDLY
0:20:41 > 0:20:44All right, all right, don't make it look fake.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46- THEY CHEER LESS LOUDLY - Right, where's lunch?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Hello, I'm Queen Hatshepsut,
0:20:56 > 0:20:59the first female Pharaoh of ancient Egypt.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I brought about an age of prosperity and spread our
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- power across the world. - Course you did, love,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07course you did. Now, why don't you go off and have
0:21:07 > 0:21:10yourself a nice bubble bath or put on some make-up,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13something like that, leave running the kingdom to us lads?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Yeah? Yeah. Off you pop.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18As you can see, being the first female ruler wasn't
0:21:18 > 0:21:21without its difficulties. My top tip for you if you'd
0:21:21 > 0:21:25like to be taken seriously is to wear a false beard.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30- I really had to do this.- Oh, now you really look like a proper Pharaoh.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Yeah, OK. What would you like me to do, O mighty Pharaoh?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Anything? Your wishes will be fulfilled.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39I command you to go forth and build statues in my honour.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Maybe something like...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Yeah, I'm not really feeling it, to be honest.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Yes, right away, O mighty Pharaoh!
0:21:56 > 0:22:0118 years later and with her youthful looks now fading, Queen Elizabeth
0:22:01 > 0:22:03is on a first date with teenage heir to the French throne,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Francis of Anjou.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Is he the man she's been looking for?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Mother says I'm not allowed to have wine.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12SHE LAUGHS
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Oh. OK.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Orange squash it is, then.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Or the very young man she's been looking for?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24So will you be seeing Francis of Anjou for a second date?
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Well, I'm not getting any younger and he's quite attractive
0:22:27 > 0:22:32in a youthful way so I sort of agreed to marry him, and when I die,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36France will rule England and... Oh, no.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Hang on.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Francis? You're dumped!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Don't worry about it. There's plenty more queens to choose from.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- Just take it on the chin like a man.- Je ne sais pas!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Look, listen, just finish your orange squash, and your fish
0:22:48 > 0:22:50fingers are just on the way. You'll be all right.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51- Come on, come on.- Merci.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59I'm Queen Victoria and during my reign, I had many prime ministers.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00There was Lord Melbourne,
0:23:00 > 0:23:04the Earl of Derby, Viscount Palmerston, Prince...
0:23:05 > 0:23:10..Charming, uh, Earl...'s Court.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Fine, look, I don't remember them all.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16But one I do remember was a joyless old man called William Gladstone.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18I didn't like him at all.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20So what did I do?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Did I...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33The answer is A. I made him stand up all
0:23:33 > 0:23:37through our meetings. People aren't allowed to sit down
0:23:37 > 0:23:39until the King or Queen has sat.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Isn't that right, Gladstone?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Whatever you say, Your Majesty.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47No.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54No, no, no, no, no.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Hmmm...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Absolutely not! No.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Honestly, they are either attacking you or they are being mean.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Well that's not the sort of ruler I'm going to be.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09No more crown or sash, I want people to treat me
0:24:09 > 0:24:12just like everyone else.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Unlike Louis XIV of France.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17He called himself The Sun King and you really had to watch
0:24:17 > 0:24:21your manners around him. But manners back then were very
0:24:21 > 0:24:24different from how they are now. Mais oui!
0:24:27 > 0:24:28George, I cannot believe
0:24:28 > 0:24:31we are actually in the Palace of Versailles.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33It smells a bit funny,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35but look at all the gold. I love a bit of gold.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Darling, you are the English ambassador's wife.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42We're visiting King Louis XIV of France, so please stop gawping.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Look at their wigs! I told you mine was too small.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49I've got more pressing concerns, Charlotte. Oh, no, I need...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51..le pee-pee.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Excusez-moi?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57My husband needs to go toilet!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Toilet? There are no toilets in Versailles.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01You can go wherever...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04..you like.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07On ze staircase, in ze fireplace.
0:25:07 > 0:25:12I usually like to go behind that curtain, but it was occupied.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Oh, well, that explains why it stinks.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18Mm. And why the French have such fabulous perfumes.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20- I'm going to have to just go in the...- Regarde!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22King Louis has arrived.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Bienvenue, you must be the new English ambassador.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Yes, yes, Your Majesty, it is a pleasure to meet you.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Versailles is absolutely magnificent.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Oui, oui.- Yes, it's so full of oui, oui, oui.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- Charlotte!- It has 700 rooms.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- But no toilets.- Bof! Toilets are...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Comment est-ce qu'on dit en anglais? A waste of money.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- HE FARTS - Oh!- Commode!
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- I trust your journey was pleasant. - Oh, my goodness.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01The road from Calais can be painful.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Boulders are... - HE FARTS AND PLOPS
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- ..everywhere.- Well...
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- ..when in Versailles... - SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:26:11 > 0:26:12THEY ALL GASP
0:26:13 > 0:26:15What?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Everyone else is doing a wee-wee.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19You dare to turn your back on a King, sir?
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Your Majesty!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25You are an animal, sir, an animal!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29HE SPEAKS FRENCH
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Can we go?- I don't think I can.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Not with all these people watching.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Queen Elizabeth is back, still looking for love.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45And so is Lord Dudley.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48You again! How's your wife?
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Erm...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Well, she's dead, actually. Fell down some stairs,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54broke her neck. Absolute nightmare.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56But it does mean we can get married.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59- Well, won't people think you killed her?- There's no proof.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Because I didn't do it. Why would there be proof?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07She, er, slipped. On some loose carpet. I reckon. Probably.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Well, I can't be involved in a scandal, so we can't get married.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13But, if you marry anyone else, I'll make your life hell,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15and a misery, and awful.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17That is why I love you.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20And fear you.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29That's right. I'm married to England. Suits me just fine.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32No snoring in bed. And I think it means that
0:27:32 > 0:27:36everyone in the country has to buy me a present so, win-win.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37See you in Hampton Court.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- You'll be all right.- Thanks, Fred.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45IN FRENCH:
0:27:45 > 0:27:47That's kind. I've already eaten.
0:27:51 > 0:27:52- Your Majesty?- Bonjour.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I know I'm just a common frog, but if you kiss me I could turn
0:27:55 > 0:27:59into a prince and we could live happily ever after.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Go on, then.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02SHE GASPS
0:28:02 > 0:28:03# The past is no longer a mystery
0:28:03 > 0:28:08# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. #