0:00:02 > 0:00:05Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08People, trying to have a conversation here!
0:00:08 > 0:00:11This is Lenny. He's a man of many talents!
0:00:12 > 0:00:17This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's fiancee.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20This is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bell boy.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Hotel Trubble forever
0:00:27 > 0:00:32# It's the pits and we know we're stuck, but we love it
0:00:32 > 0:00:34# Hotel Trubble forever
0:00:34 > 0:00:37# We're a team, staying calm, arm in arm
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# So the hotel survives
0:00:40 > 0:00:41# Trubble, Trubble
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# Keep the hotel alive! #
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Sally, I'm telling you, this new door, it doesn't fit.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I am the door expert, so I should know about this kind of thing.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Lenny, remember what I said, you need to turn it around.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Oh, right! I knew that.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08How long has our door expert been trying
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- to get the door through there? - What month it is now?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Never mind, I'm in such a good mood today that nothing can bother me.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19The lady from Spectacular Stairs magazine is coming later
0:01:19 > 0:01:22to take pictures of our award-winning stairs.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Here we go again!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Our stairs were voted the sixth best in Britain, you know!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30I know. You've mentioned it, like, 400 times.
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Cos it's a big deal!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Jamie, it's a magazine which about nine people read.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It will raise the profile of the hotel. That's important.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Just yesterday, Mr Trubble called it
0:01:39 > 0:01:43the most exciting thing to ever happen to Hotel Trubble.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45What's exciting?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Don't sneak up like that. You should wear a bell!
0:01:47 > 0:01:52I've seen a very interesting TV show about inventions,
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- so I've decided to come up with some.- Oh, goody(!)
0:01:55 > 0:01:58The first one is an absolute doozy.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01It will help the hotel and make me a millionaire.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05- You know how toilets are always horrible and smelly?- Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I present...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10the petal pooper!
0:02:10 > 0:02:15It's a toilet made entirely out of flowers, so it always smells nice.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Wouldn't the flowers die? - Not if they're watered regularly.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23How would they be watered? Never mind, forget I asked.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Anyway, must dash.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28I'm taking a break from my inventing for today's exciting event.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I've got a special outfit planned and everything!
0:02:32 > 0:02:36See? Dolly's excited about the stairs, too.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38PHONE RINGS
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Hello, Hotel Trubble.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43GRUMBLING VOICE ON PHONE
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Hi, Mr Trubble.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Yeah, I'll get Jamie for you.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54JA-MIE-E-E-E-E!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59I'M RIGHT HERE! YOU DON'T NEED TO SHOUT!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05HELLO!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Sorry, Mr Trubble.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09No, I wasn't shouting at you, sir.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Don't worry, everything is in place
0:03:12 > 0:03:16for the visit of Spectacular Stairs Magazine.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23And how are the arrangements going for the World Conker Championships?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Sorry, when is that?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Today?
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Yes, of course I was joking!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I know it's the most exciting thing to ever happen to Hotel Trubble.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I knew that's what you meant when you said that yesterday
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and not the visit of Spectacular Stairs,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43which we're totally ready for too, by the way.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Yep, everything is ready.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51OK, don't worry, sir. Bye.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- What World Conker Championship? - What do you mean?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- He's left you about a million messages about it.- I didn't see them.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02There're in the usual place.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Jean's message container.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- That's a bin.- Don't be ridiculous.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19So this conker championship match is not really a big deal, is it?
0:04:19 > 0:04:22It's only being beamed live from here
0:04:22 > 0:04:25to millions of people across the world.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Oh, good, I was worried for a minute there(!) How did I not know?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31You were obsessed with the stairs thing.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Have you not seen any of the adverts on TV? "It's conker mania!"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"MANIA! MANIA!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I don't really have time to watch TV, I'm too busy running this place!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45("Too busy running this place!")
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Quick question - before I arranged the new doors,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55did you want me to take the old ones out first?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Oh, this can't be happening. It can't be happening!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Mr Trubble's going to kill me and then fire me!
0:05:06 > 0:05:07How could I miss this?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13'Conker mania, mania, mania!'
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Conkers!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17# Some people think I'm bonkers But I just think I'm free
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# And I'm just living my life There's nothing crazy about me. #
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Conkers!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24'The conker match the world is waiting to see.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26'Live from Hotel Trubble.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30'The undefeated Russian champion, Boris "The Bear" Bolshiman...'
0:05:30 > 0:05:33RAAARGH!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Boris will be victorious!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43'..meets the undefeated American champ, Louis "The Lip" Levinski.'
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I ain't no clown. I ain't bonkers.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I'm going to win that crown because I'm king of the conkers!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51'Conker mania!
0:05:51 > 0:05:55'Live from Hotel Trubble today. Don't miss it!'
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I think I'm going to be sick.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Competitors - when are the competitors getting here?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Three, two, one.- What?
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Hotel Trubbleski? Boris is here.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- Am I good, or am I good? - You must be Jamieski.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Oh, such a good looking boy.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I knew you would be.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Boris so happy to meet you after all the chatskis we have on phone.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Chatskis? We had chatskis?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- Boris's bag is outside. - OK, I'll just...
0:06:44 > 0:06:48No, no, no, no, no! Boris carry his own bag.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53You must be so tired with all the arrangements you make for Boris.
0:06:56 > 0:07:03This is where Boris shall win World Championshipski.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Boris feels good.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What chatskis?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Oh, yeah! People are always ringing up, asking to talk to you
0:07:12 > 0:07:14and you're always off, you know.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Working.- Obsessing about stairs.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Rather than coming to look for you,
0:07:19 > 0:07:24- I thought it would be easier if I just did you.- Sorry, "did" me?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28NASAL VOICE Hello. Jamie speaking.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30How can I be of assistance?
0:07:30 > 0:07:34- It doesn't sound anything like me! - It does. Even your mum falls for it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- And she's upset you didn't come to dinner on Sunday.- What dinner?
0:07:39 > 0:07:42She called up last week to ask if you wanted to come to dinner.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Boris has bag. Arrangements are all in place for Boris?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Yes, yes, of course.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Jamieski, why your voice sound so different? Are you illski?
0:07:52 > 0:07:56No. I mean, I was.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I had a really, really bad cold, when we spoke on the phone,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- but I'm all right now.- Excellentski!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Where is highly skilled training partner for Boris?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- The one you promise on phoneski. - Er, yes...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- I've done my, er...- Here he is,
0:08:12 > 0:08:15your highly skilled training partner, Lenny.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Is this another promotion?
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Yeah. You are now the hotel's official conker trainer.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Sweet. Let me check my badges.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Donkey trainer, Poet Laureate.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Conker trainer. Bingo.- Ah!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Lenninski. Ha-ha-ha!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Oh, Boris like this very much.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Was Boris's mother's name.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44# Hey! Hey! #
0:08:44 > 0:08:48- Really?- With your help, Lenninski,
0:08:48 > 0:08:56Boris can defeat pipsqueak Louis "The Lip" Lipinski...ski.
0:08:56 > 0:09:01The name's Levinski, you big clod-hopper, not Lipinski-ski!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Why don't you learn to talk proper-ly?
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Great, he speaks in rhyme. That won't get annoying any time soon(!)
0:09:08 > 0:09:12- Boris will beat you.- Oh, yeah?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Yeah!- Yeah?- Yeah!
0:09:15 > 0:09:16- Yeah?- Yeah!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20My conker will be victorious!
0:09:20 > 0:09:21My conker is a stonker.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Come on, guys, come on, there's no need to, you know...
0:09:26 > 0:09:28BREAK IT UP!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I have little brothers.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Boris will...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34No way, Jose!
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's incredible!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39JAZZY MUSIC
0:09:47 > 0:09:53# Welcome to Hotel Trubble! #
0:09:53 > 0:09:55BREAKING GLASS Yeah!
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Wow. That dress...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Makes the petal pooper look tasteful.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10It cannot be!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Mrs Poshington!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I'm a huge fan. You is the man!
0:10:15 > 0:10:18I go to all this effort and they go crazy for the cleaner!
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Er, what's going on?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26What's going on? Say, who's the dude?
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- Is he dim, dumb or dopey, or just a bit rude?- It's Jamieski.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Jamie! We spoke, bro. Your voice was all weird,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38like a chicken what's blocked where an egg's disappeared.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Yeah, I just got over a bit of a cold.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42How do you know who Mrs Poshington is?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Jamieski make jokeski. Boris like.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I do? I mean... I do!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Da! It's good.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55Of course we know world famous Mrs Poshington.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57One half of Poshington-Pablinski.
0:10:57 > 0:11:02Greatest conker playing doubles team in history.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04That was a while ago now.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07They redefined the game. It's never been the same.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Before that, no-one thought of putting a conker on a string.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12That was their big thing. Amazing!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Jamie, you such a clever guy.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Mrs Poshington is special secret referee for us, no?
0:11:19 > 0:11:24Too good to be true. I never thought they'd get you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Of course, Mrs P will be refereeing the match.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Oh, I don't know about that!
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I still have a few toilets to clean.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42You make world famous Mrs P clean toiletski?!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46That stinks. We wouldn't be so forgiving
0:11:46 > 0:11:49if someone let such a living legend clean bogs for a living.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52No, no, no. Of course not. That's just another fine example
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- of the legendary Poshington sense of humour.- It is?
0:11:56 > 0:12:00HE LAUGHS FEEBLY
0:12:00 > 0:12:01She cracks me up.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06THEY JOIN IN THE LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You two will probably want to get settled in.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- The television cameras will be here in...- One hour.- One hour. One hour?!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Here you go. You want to know how good I am?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I'm fast like lightning, strong like smelly cheese.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22My aim is perfect and I aim to please.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Yes, so you mentioned, about 46 times now.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Here's your room. I think you'll find it perfectly suits your needs.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32If it's so perfect, like you suggested,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35where's the hot tub that I know I specifically requested?
0:12:35 > 0:12:39It's in the bathroom. It's a little small.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It looks a bit like a toilet.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Groovy. Now, shove off, nincompoop, and get me my cream egg soup.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49Sure. If there's any chance you could drop the rhyme?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52It's a little annoying all the time.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53He's got me doing it now!
0:12:53 > 0:12:58And with the soup, best not forget the radish thing that can upset.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Of course, how can I forget?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And can I just check...?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06What a lovely man(!)
0:13:12 > 0:13:17OK, Lenninski, special training partner. Now we warm up, yes?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Er...er, OK.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Lenninski, you funny guy.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Is very good.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38So, what's all this about Louis and radishes?
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oh, yeah, it's really important.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44What exactly about radishes? He wants a certain type or what?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I don't know. I just remember it was really important.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Great. I'll go and talk to chef.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55No, it's his nap time. You know he doesn't like to be interrupted.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I've got no choice.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Here goes nothing.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04CRASH
0:14:04 > 0:14:07GROANING
0:14:13 > 0:14:15One radish soup.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18He's actually in quite a good mood today.
0:14:21 > 0:14:26OK, Lenninski, I think I am warmed up enough now.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- Right. Well, if you're sure.- Yes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Right. Well, I'll be off then.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37You know, just a quick trip to the hospital.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- Now is time for my special massage. - Right.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's so lucky you are fully qualified
0:14:44 > 0:14:46in the special Russian massage.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49Well, you know...
0:14:49 > 0:14:52that's what the badge says and...
0:14:52 > 0:14:56- badges don't lie.- Come, we begin.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Yeah.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00How hard can this be?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04- Jamie.- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07- I know why you're here. - Good, I was wondering myself.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You're going to try to convince me to come down
0:15:09 > 0:15:11and be part of this conker thingy.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- I am?- I know the hotel needs me to give the event a bit of glamour.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17But I won't do it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Nobody said they like my lovely outfit.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I am very offended.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Oh, OK.
0:15:24 > 0:15:25So don't try and talk me around.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- No problem.- OK? Well?
0:15:30 > 0:15:31HE STUTTERS
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Thank you for your understanding.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37OK.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Huwahhh...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Take that in the target zone.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Take that wooden little man.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Room service!
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Time to get fed. It is like I said? - Of course.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Cos if a radish come at me it's going to straight up slap me.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- I gots to give a respect for that horrendous effect.- OK, enjoy.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10How hard is it to speak in normal sentences?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14"I've got to give them respect for their horrendous effect."
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Horrendous effect?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19SCREAMING
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Radishes. I can't eat radishes.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27I was completely clear, I cannot eat radishes.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Please tell me you did not serve me a radish in that dish?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34No. Of course not. I mean, hardly any.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I'm sure you'll be fine. Argh!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39What? Oh, man.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Do I gots what I think I gots?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It is those crazy, huge, red, itchy, angry unsightly,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47ugly-looking great big nasty spots?!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49No, it's fine. You're fine.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53- Everything is absolutely... - HE WAILS
0:16:53 > 0:16:55..fine.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57It's bad and no-one's going to save me.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I got to spend two days in gravy.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Gravy? Is that just you struggling to find a rhyme or...?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Gravy, really. For real, no joke.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08I got to sit in a big old tub of gravy to get rid of these spots.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- So get me lots.- All right. Be nice and warm, I suppose.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Help me.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I got spots on all my features.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I can't go out there looking like a pizza!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Billy's so strong, he can win on his own.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- But I lose this match, I can't go home.- Billy?
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Billy, the world's greatest conker. Makes me proud to carry him.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30He's brave, noble, valiant,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33funny, handsome, charming and an excellent kisser.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36And if it wasn't illegal, I'd like to marry him.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40Billy, you say - wow.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Relax. We'll work something out. Everything will be A-OK.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47SCREAMING
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Including whatever that was.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53This day just keeps getting worse and worse.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- All right, you talked me into it. - I did?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I will come down and appear on international television,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02but only because it's a favour to you.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04- Thank you. - HE SOBS
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Oh, Jamie. There's no need to cry.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09I know it means a lot to you.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Yeah.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Also, you're standing on my foot.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Oh, right. See you later then.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24- GROANING - No. Shh! Shh!
0:18:29 > 0:18:35- What happened here? - Nothing, just...nice little massage.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Aren't massages supposed to be relaxing?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Jamie. Come here.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46My friend...you must help me.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47I cannot conker like this.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52I cannot concede! The whole of Russia watches this match.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54You must help me.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Olga can win on her own.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Let me guess, Olga is...?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02The greatest conker in the history of the world.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Right. Just out of interest,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08how can you tell which conkers are boys and...
0:19:08 > 0:19:09Oh, Jamie, you must help me.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Don't worry. Everything will be fine. Relax.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17Let's not go tying ourselves in knots here, huh?
0:19:17 > 0:19:18JAMIE LAUGHS
0:19:18 > 0:19:22You're not in a joking mood. I can see that now.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28'OK, is camera two ready?'
0:19:28 > 0:19:31'Yep. Just lining it up now.'
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Oh, hello, Sally. I thought you'd be out front.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Isn't being on TV a big thing for you?
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Of course not, I'm not into all that shallow stuff.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46'Someone tell the receptionist that if she attempts to get on camera
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- 'one more time, I'll throw her out of the building.- Will do.'
0:19:49 > 0:19:51I'd like to see you try!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Jamie, is everything ready for the big match?
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Yes. Of course, Mrs Poshington.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03As you know, we're almost as famous here at Hotel Trubble
0:20:03 > 0:20:07for running a tight ship as we are for our award-winning stairs.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10'Who is this idiot?'
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Sally, emergency staff meeting, now.
0:20:13 > 0:20:14Oh, do we have to?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Yes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20'Is everyone around here nuts? Right, team.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23'We've only got ten minutes before we go live... For crying out loud!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- 'What on earth is this?' - Good question.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27The petal pooper.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31A revolutionary step forward in the field of lavatories.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34It flushes, flowers and...
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- FARTING - ..fragrances.
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Or you'll get your money back.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- 'Security!'- Available from all good department stores.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46'Right, let's take a break.'
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Right. Boris and Louis are both completely out of action.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- How?- That doesn't matter now.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54How are we going to get out of this? Any ideas?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- We can set the building on fire.- No. - You could tell the truth.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01What? Explain to everyone that we, the staff of Hotel Trubble,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04have managed to completely crock both contestants right before
0:21:04 > 0:21:07- a televised conker championship match?- Yes.- How big a fire?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Jamie.- Not now, please, Mrs P.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- I can try and stall them. - For about a week?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It's really important.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16So is this, Mrs P.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18- We could go to the zoo. - How does that help?
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Because I like going to the zoo.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22What were we talking about again?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- But Jamie.- Yes, Mrs P. What is it?
0:21:25 > 0:21:30I wanted to tell you, that as referee, I shall be insisting
0:21:30 > 0:21:35that both contestants wear these masks for protection.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- Health and safety, you know? - Right. Good idea.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Masks, you say?
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Yes.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Right, that's every cushion in the whole hotel.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58You look great. Everything is great.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00It's just conkers. Anyone can play conkers.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, this beard is itchy.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Beard is fine for me-ski.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- Are you sure this is going to work? - Of course.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Boris and Louis both said their conkers could win it on their own.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13These masks mean no-one will know it's really us.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18And remember, try not to say anything, but if you have to,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20try and sound like Boris.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- How do I do that?- It's easy. Just do a deep voice
0:22:23 > 0:22:26and say "iski" at the end of every few words for no reason.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Okely-dokely-iski.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Boris, is that you...ski?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35KNOCK ON DOOR
0:22:35 > 0:22:37- MRS POSHINGTON: Are the contestants ready?- Yep.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Excuse me.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42IMPERSONATES LOUIS: I mean, I was born ready.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Just try and stop me.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Some people drink tea...
0:22:47 > 0:22:48I like coffee.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55This will never work!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Welcome, viewers of the world to Conker Mania.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13With your hosts Jump Weasel and Dan Sacks.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16The first ever conker World Championship,
0:23:16 > 0:23:21broadcasting live from Hotel Bubble.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- It's Trubble.- COMMENTATOR: 'Trubble.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27'Welcome folks. We're just seconds away.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29'I can see Boris approaching the ring.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32'Conkers come from horse chestnuts.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35'And Boris looks like he's got two horses strapped to his chest.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- 'Not!- He's the owner of a massive gas pipeline.'
0:23:40 > 0:23:42FARTING 'Boy, does it stink.'
0:23:43 > 0:23:46The paper pooper, the loo of the future. Get off!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- Available from... - 'Sorry about that, folks.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53'We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- 'Yeah, with the crazy toilet lady. - Let's grab a quick word.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59'So, how are you feeling, Boris?'
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- I-ski feeling good-ski. - FARTING
0:24:02 > 0:24:05'The pressure's obviously getting to the Russian.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07'Boy, does that pressure stink. Phwoar!
0:24:07 > 0:24:11'And here comes Louis The Lip Lipinski.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13'You mean Louis The Whimp Lipinski.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15'Watch it, he married my sister, Mertyl.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18'Sorry. What have you got to say for yourself, Whimpski?'
0:24:18 > 0:24:19If this is tea.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I smell like lightning.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24I don't like crowns, I find them frightening.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, yeah.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29'Clearly the strain's getting to these two players.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31'Yes, the strain of those leotards.'
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Are both contestants ready? - Yes.- Yeah.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37At the toss of a coin, Boris will go first.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Yeah!- Get set and...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43WHISTLE
0:24:43 > 0:24:46'The Russian gets first hit. A massive advantage.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48'Not as massive as his waist band.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51'Oh, my word! An air shot.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54'Never happened before in the Russian's career.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57'This is almost unbelievable.'
0:24:57 > 0:25:00But still, most definitely, believable.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05'I can't wait to see a replay of that.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08'Now, watch, he lines up the shot perfectly and then misses.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12'And you should see his Mrs - talk about 1066 - what a conqueror!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- 'She's got a nice beard though. - So is his mummy.- Ha-ha-ha!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20'Can the American Louis The Lip Lipinski
0:25:20 > 0:25:23'take advantage of the Russian's monumental mistake?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26'The Russian certainly likes to eat a lot of steak.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28'The American likes it well done.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33'Great conkers of creation. He's missed two! He's missed two!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35'The tension is getting to these athletes.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38'The tension of that waist band.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42'Advantage is back with the Russian.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46'Oh, it must be important. They've gone into slow-mo.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54- 'And the American's lost it!- Oh, and the Russian's dropped one too.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- 'It really stinks.- Smelt down.'
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Both conkers broken.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02It's a draw.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06It's a double smash! Double smash!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Double smash. Double smash.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10'Get off!
0:26:10 > 0:26:15'What are the odds? The first world conker championship is a draw!
0:26:15 > 0:26:18'Well, paint me pink and call me Mabel!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19'OK, Mabel.'
0:26:19 > 0:26:27I had a similar thing happen to me in the 1985 Helsinki trophy.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh, well.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30It's time for tea.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34'This may be the most shocking thing ever in the history of everything.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- 'There was that time when you... - Hey, shut your face, jerk!
0:26:37 > 0:26:40'Now there's got to be a re-match between these two.'
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Not for ages, though.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43I'm a busy guy.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I've got to go home.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47And...bake a pie.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49'Hey, I thought he was allergic to pie?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51'Yeah, makes him puke!'
0:26:53 > 0:26:56See you, Boris. See you, Louis.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Sorry about the horrible injuries and for breaking your conkers.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03Don't worry, nobody will ever find out we faked the whole thing.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Oh, Jamie, I've managed to get most of the spare doors out now.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Oh, Lenny! You've ruined the stairs.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Wait a sec. The stairs.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21Spectacular Stairs Magazine is HERE!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23This is horrendous.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25My readers will be disgusted.
0:27:25 > 0:27:31- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - PHONE RINGS
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Hello. Hotel Trubble.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Yes, we are holding the Tiddlywinks World Championship tomorrow.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43# Hotel Trubble forever
0:27:43 > 0:27:48# It's the pits and we know it's stuck, but we love it
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# Hotel Trubble forever
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# We're a team staying calm on and on
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# So the hotel survives
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# Trubble, Trubble Keep the hotel alive. #