0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Can you keep a secret? Sneaky and a treat
0:00:03 > 0:00:08# A dash of something tasty Just you wait and see
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# The magic in my story Turned you upside down indeed
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# No matter what the trouble is
0:00:13 > 0:00:15# I've got a recipe
0:00:15 > 0:00:16# Mixing up the flavour
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# With a trick right up my sleeve
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# Stir it up a little more And then we're going to see
0:00:22 > 0:00:26# Cooking up a story That is good for magazines
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Sprinkle this, sprinkle that Stir it up and see. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34By adding turmeric and chive to that bagel,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37I know how you can make tree branches grow out of her head.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I don't want branches growing out of her head.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42They'd have blossom!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45What?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Oh! She's here.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Is that it? "She's here." Hmph! I'm welcome.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Yo, yo, yo!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Awww! I should get me one of those!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- All right, I'm ready. Let's go. - Where are we going?
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Today's our day! Minty and Lulu day.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Finally some serious mum and step-daughter bonding.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12You didn't get the memo.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Sorry, Minty.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16No problemo! I've got you a scooter too.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Let's hit the boutiques, rock some accessories and party till dawn!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Iconic!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I can't. It's Wednesday. I've got school.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Come on! It'll be totally gnarly to the max!
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Don't you say "totally gnarly to the max" anymore?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38I can't believe I'm this out of touch with my homies.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Actually, we don't say "homies" much anymore, either.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Whoa!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49You mean... Am I...?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Is "uncool" the word you're looking for?
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Hey, gorgeous. - Can't talk! Must update mouth!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02TINNY MUSIC PLAYS Minty OK?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Oh! Chip! Let me help you open that ketchup bottle.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09You left your music player here last night.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I borrowed it - I hid, HID it, in case Torquil sold it.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- That's not mine. - Well, it's a good beat.
0:02:18 > 0:02:23Ha! I think... I think it's Frenchy singing.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Dad.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Dad! We talked about this.
0:02:29 > 0:02:34Ah! No dad-dancing while you're in the room. I'm sorry.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Nearly got it!
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Thanks.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47What did you do that for?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I could have pretended that lid was stuck for another 45 minutes.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Forget Chip. Is this you?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Do you like it? I wrote it myself. No biggie.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02You write songs? You never said! This is huge! People should know.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Noooo, they shouldn't, Lulu. I'm glad you like it,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08but I don't want you doing anything Lulu-esque, OK?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11You know me. Wouldn't dream of it.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17BELL RINGS
0:03:17 > 0:03:20This is you not doing anything?!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22It's just the school talent show.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And it's to raise money for the hall after the roof collapsed.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You want me to sing for tiles?
0:03:27 > 0:03:30No, to show everyone how talented you are.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Is this really about my song or your funny but, let's face it, Lu,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37not majorly successful ventriloquist act in last year's talent show?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40People said Mr Squiggles was groundbreaking!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43He was a sock with ping-pong ball eyes.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45OK, so maybe it's a little bit about that,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49but, him aside, your song could really win this for me.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Us! Us.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54And look at first prize.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57A half-day at a recording studio.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00An actual recording studio!
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Wow!
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I've got a good feeling about this. This is SO our week.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08FRENCHY SQUEALS
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm NOT just a girl with a sock.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Minty?! What are you doing here?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Er...double geography, I think.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Shh! Settle down, everyone.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30We have a new member of class starting with us today.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Stand up, Varaminta. You may have noticed that Varaminta is...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37slightly older than the rest of the class.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Er, yeah! Was she kept back, like, 50 years?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Because she is actually writing an in-depth article
0:04:44 > 0:04:46about modern life as a 14-year-old.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50An article which is bound to mention how wonderful the teaching
0:04:50 > 0:04:53and some of the other girls at school are.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Text me. We'll talk.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58OK. WHAT is this?
0:04:58 > 0:05:01I'm re-immersing myself in the world of the 14-year-old.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- And it's all thanks to you!- Me?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07You said I was out of touch with the modern teenager.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Thank you for your honesty.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12You're SUPPOSED to be out of touch with the modern teenager.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- On account of the fact you're NOT a teenager!- Shhh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Inside, I am.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Kill me now.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30# Friday takes me away
0:05:30 > 0:05:34# All of Saturday I'm up in heaven
0:05:34 > 0:05:37# Sunday leads me astray
0:05:37 > 0:05:43# So Monday finds me Waiting for Friday to come
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# Friday to come! #
0:05:47 > 0:05:49OK. Let's go again.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Again?! We just did it 11 times. We've got to get back to school.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55DON'T make me go back. Minty will be there.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- But you put up with her here.- You can't mix home Lulu and school Lulu.
0:05:58 > 0:05:59It's like mixing...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02- What's that stuff Chip's always on about?- Mozzarella.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Matter and anti-matter. The world could implode!
0:06:05 > 0:06:06Torky, put it on there.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- What's going on?- Just rehearsing.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13To get to the heart of the 14-year-old experience,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I have to throw myself into every school activity.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19- Like the talent contest. - Haven't you embarrassed me enough?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Whoa, Mrs B! Great fingers.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Thanks, Frenchy. Didn't I ever tell you about my pop career?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Uh! Boring!
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Your what?!- I was half of the band, Legwarmer Party.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I think there's a picture in my bag.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Back then, I was Varaminta Angel,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51and that was my boyfriend, Martin Folkly,
0:06:51 > 0:06:56and this pic was the cover of our debut single, Miserable Journey.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04# Life is a miserable journey
0:07:04 > 0:07:08# Pleasure just a myth
0:07:08 > 0:07:11# Join me on my miserable journey
0:07:11 > 0:07:16# We'll seal it with a kith. #
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Always hated that rhyme.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Whoa, Mrs B! So, what happened?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23We charted at number six and split.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And this is your comeback?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27On a kids' talent show?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31And until the end of term, I'm 14.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32May the best teenager win.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Fine! Rehearse. See if I care.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41But it's just a talent contest, Mummy. Why can't I enter?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Because I don't want you prancing around on stage like an idiot.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48MUSIC: "Miserable Journey"
0:07:48 > 0:07:50What's that music?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Mummy...what are you doing?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I recognise that song.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09That's disturbing.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Whoa! For once I agree with the Frenchster.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Shame!
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Varaminta Angel!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Mummy! Stop it!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Sing along if you know the words, Legwarmer fans.
0:08:28 > 0:08:33# Life is a miserable journey
0:08:33 > 0:08:36# Pleasure just a myth... #
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Love the singing!
0:08:39 > 0:08:45And, and I, and I love you. W-w-when I was 18, I wanted to be you.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Of course you did!
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Great! So the talent show judge is the world's biggest Legwarmer fan!
0:08:51 > 0:08:53- Not so good.- Huh!
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Not so good?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58You've got more chance of winning X Factor against Simon Cowell's mum.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02That's it! Cookie! Forget it. We just need a recipe to stuff them!
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Frenchy!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Are you sure this isn't, you know, cheating?
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Cheating? Right. That's it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Do you want a piece of me, do you?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Frenchy, isn't an ex-professional adult
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- entering an amateur kids' competition cheating?- Good point.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Besides, this stuff will just make it a fair contest.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Menace minestrone.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Whoa! Sounds a bit heavy.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Oh, don't worry. We're just going to use the froth.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39Fright froth. Minty drinks it, gets horrible stage fright,
0:09:39 > 0:09:41pulls out of the competition, and we win.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Knockout plan!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Hi, Frenchy. You look good.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Torquil, what are you doing?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Rehearsing. For the talent show.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Me and Denny are doing the magic act.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00The great Tork-dini.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04This is me escaping from a straitjacket in under three minutes.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07- How long have you been up there so far?- About four hours.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Won't hold you up, then!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- You know what's missing here? - Caffeine! Fancy a coffee?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22An audience. I need to rehearse in front of an audience.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Grrr!
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Ladies and gentlemen!
0:10:34 > 0:10:41Please feel free not to talk, chew or swallow while I rehearse.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Enjoy your evening.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Er...
0:10:45 > 0:10:49quick coffee to...lubricate... your vocal cords?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Coffee? For the vocal cords?
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I don't think so!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- CREAKING - Vegetable froth?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Aahhh!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I did it!
0:11:07 > 0:11:10I'm on a roll. Thanks.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Oh, n...
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Ugh! Tastes like vegetables!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Ladies and gentlemen, I am Tork-dini,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- master of the weird. - You can say that again.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30He drank the froth. Shouldn't he be too scared to carry on?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Behold...
0:11:32 > 0:11:35the power of Torquil!
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Cookie! - Oh! It's coming back to me, um...
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Fright froth doesn't give the performer stage fright.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45It makes the audience afraid of the performer!
0:11:45 > 0:11:49I've never been so scared. Let's run away and never come back!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Fight it! Frenchy, it's the froth! We have to fight it!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Aaarrghhh!- Aaarrghhh!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57I am the new dark prince of magic.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Eh, Denny?
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Aaarrghhhh!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Gaah!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Hi, Frenchy. Want to make magic?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Sorry! Can't.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28So, what are you doing now, Torky?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Looking for an assistant. Denny's still too terrified to work with me.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I need someone who doesn't overthink things.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Someone who's good at obeying commands.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- Chip! Get in that box!- OK.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43And he's passed the audition!
0:12:49 > 0:12:53OK, I spoke to the Head, and he said Mrs K can't perform with Minty
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- and still judge the competition. - Brilliant!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59So, that means that tonight's winner will be decided by audience vote.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01We're actually in with a chance!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05- # Join me on my worthwhile journey - Journey!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09# With all your kin and kith
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- This is going to be last year all over again!- You don't know that.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Hey, cuz! Look what I found in that box! "Hello!"
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Not funny! Take him away!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22All right, touchy. Come on, Mr Twiggles.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Squiggles!- "Hhhww!"
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Cookie!
0:13:31 > 0:13:34If you expect another apology for the fright froth, tough.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Talk to the wand, because this fairy ain't listening.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I need you to find something else to nobble Minty.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I'll look, but it won't be easy.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Come on, your bag's not that big.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50- Is she looking? - Yeah, but we're running out of time!
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Time for the show, everyone! It's show time!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Nnrraaagh!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Prepare for disappointment.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06As I'm performing in the show this year,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I can't act as the brilliantly funny compere
0:14:10 > 0:14:12that you've come to know and love.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17So, please welcome... the only person we can get at very short notice.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Mr Mike Baker!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Yes! Good evening! Thank you!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Thank you very much to Mrs Kilbraith
0:14:27 > 0:14:31for that truly indifferent introduccione!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33A lot of you might know me from Gina's cafe,
0:14:33 > 0:14:38so you could say you've already had a pizza my humour!
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Ha ha ha! Anyway, let's crack on.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Without further ado, it gives me great pleasure
0:14:44 > 0:14:46to introduce the first act of the evening.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Put your hands together for... what's that?
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Tina Trubshaw and her amazing plates of wonderment!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- CRASHING - In your own time, Cookie!
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- Got it!- Hmm!
0:15:06 > 0:15:10Youthing yoghurt. She wants to be 14 again? This'll do it.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Brilliant! We're going to turn her into a 14-year-old!
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- When she was 14, she wasn't a professional singer.- That's perfect!
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Totally not cheating, because that just makes us the same age.
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Plus, I've always wanted to see if youthing yoghurt actually works.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- What?- Nothing!
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Bla-la-la-la-la, betchley, blighter, boresome, butter-r-r-r-r...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Taking care of that velvet voice? - Hmm!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Here, have yoghurt for the vocal cords.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Cool...
0:15:45 > 0:15:46ing!
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Thanks, Lulu.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Oh!
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Oh, dear!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Waaaaaaa!
0:16:02 > 0:16:04It was meant to make her 14!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Yeah...ballpark, you know.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10We're only, what, 13 years and 7 months out, give or take.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Waaaaa!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Aw, she's so cute! - CRASHING
0:16:20 > 0:16:24Lulu, can you hurry up? We're running out of plates in there.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Aw! Cutie pie!
0:16:27 > 0:16:32Lulu, we can't leave Min...I mean, this little baby out here.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Yeah, you're absolutely right. Dad...
0:16:35 > 0:16:37- Waaahhaaaa!- Take the baby.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Lulu!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Uuhhf! I'll look after the baby, you sing the song
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- and you'll owe me big time. - Wooaaaaa!
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Uuhrr! Shush!
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Oh, even in a nappy, she's still trying to stitch me up.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Looks like Minty's finally bonded with a 14-year-old.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Sorry, Lu, but this baby needs me. Don't you, diddums?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Where is Varaminta? I thought she came out here.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Er, she did...but then she sneezed.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Said she was going down with something and ran off.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18Oh! She can be such a baby.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22- So is that both your acts cancelled? - No.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26I'll perform Frenchy's song solo. And I'll win, for Frenchy.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Minty can't beat me, so I'll win.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- And everyone will hear my song. - And I'll win!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Not necessarily, because I'll perform Varaminta's song.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38When I was 18 I wanted to be her.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Now that I'm...29-ish, this is my big chance!
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- # ..Friday to come! #
0:17:49 > 0:17:55Yes! Thank you, Lulu. What an amazing voice, everyone.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Absolutely incredible! Thank you, Lulu!
0:17:59 > 0:18:04OK, next up we have two boys who will quite literally enchant you,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07and I don't mean Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08AUDIENCE GROANS
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Be no stranger to danger.
0:18:11 > 0:18:17Let's give it up for The great Tork-dini!
0:18:18 > 0:18:23And his mysterious assistant, Chipesco!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Denny's costume doesn't really fit well.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Anywhere! - Get in, no-one will notice.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Ahem.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Pchoo!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And Chipesco has disappeared!
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Yes, that's right, completely disappeared!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Er...eh! It's hot in here!
0:18:56 > 0:18:59He's still in there! AUDIENCE BOO
0:18:59 > 0:19:01All right!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Behold!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Eww! That's gross!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22And now, they've completely disappeared!
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Thank you! Thanks!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Is this where I come out?
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Ah, thank you, Torquil and, er, Chip.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Right, next up, our final act of this evening.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37It's also a change to the listed programme.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- Waaaaaaa! - Instead of hearing Legwarmer Party,
0:19:40 > 0:19:45I want to introduce to the stage the remarkable Mrs Abigail Kibraith,
0:19:45 > 0:19:50performing as Legwarmer Afterparty!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01# Life is a miserable journey
0:20:01 > 0:20:04# Pleasure just a myth... #
0:20:06 > 0:20:07OK.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the votes have now all been collected
0:20:12 > 0:20:15and are being tabulated as we speak.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Well done, Lu. You sang really well. You did way better than Mrs K.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Thanks, French. Told you this is my - er, OUR week.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28You've won, Mummy. I know you have.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Aw, thanks, poppet. I know I have, too.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Right! The moment we've all been waiting for. It's very exciting.
0:20:35 > 0:20:41Here we go. By popular vote, the winner of tonight's competition is
0:20:41 > 0:20:44the one, the only,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46the great...
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Tork-dini!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51- Huh?!- Huh?!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Torquil!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01The public have spoke, Lu-loser!
0:21:01 > 0:21:05Dad! Torquil entered as a magic act, but all he did was eat cakes.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Made them disappear, didn't I?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Hey pesto! - I think you'll find it's "presto".
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Pesto can be magic, too. Buh-dum chhh!
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Hey presto, then!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Ooh, Mike!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38This is SO not my week.
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