0:00:02 > 0:00:03Pow-pow-pow! Aah...
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Aliens! We're all doomed!
0:00:05 > 0:00:06Will you stop that?
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Ow! That hit me, that really hurt!
0:00:09 > 0:00:12I'm keeping that one, I'm having that! Thank you!
0:00:12 > 0:00:18Hee-hee-hee! Pow, pow, pow! Why do those Frisbees keep flying over?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Well, the kids either side like to play Frisbee,
0:00:21 > 0:00:24but neither of them are allowed out, so they've been
0:00:24 > 0:00:28playing Frisbee over our garden, and it's hit me in the head five times!
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Pow, pow, pow!
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Don't play with your food.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34You're supposed to play with these,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37they're little spaceships, they're called X-Facs.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42"Abduct hunger today with these unidentified fried objects,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46"and have a close encounter of the yummy kind..."?!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48They look revolting! Who bought you these?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51You did! I told you they were high in fibre,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53and you fell for it hook, line and stinker.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55What are you doing with them?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57This one's shaped like a flying saucer,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59and I'm making it fly around my head.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02And all the people who live in my head are going, "It's an alien!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04"Oh no, get the dog in, quick!"
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And they are making it crash-land in my mouth.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10You have a very vivid and a very messy imagination, Little Howard.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Well, I have to, cos you don't let me watch any films I want to watch.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I'm sorry I didn't let you watch that film
0:01:16 > 0:01:18but it was past your bedtime, and it was called
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Invasion Of The Flesh-Eating Martians From Outer Space.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23It didn't sound suitable.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25It sounded brilliant.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26WHOOSH!
0:01:26 > 0:01:30If that one hits me as well, I'm having that, too!
0:01:30 > 0:01:33It's ridiculous, why don't the parents let one kid
0:01:33 > 0:01:35go round the other one's house? I think it's...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37HONK!
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I, Little Howard, have come up with yet another of my big questions!
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Can I get Big Howard abducted by aliens?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I do wish you wouldn't...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47What?!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50This is an emergency broadcast, this is not a test.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Dark skies are gathering over Purley.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54We are not alone.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56HONK!
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# I love monkeys, I love monkeys
0:02:00 > 0:02:03# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys
0:02:03 > 0:02:04# With their tails
0:02:04 > 0:02:06# And their bananas
0:02:06 > 0:02:10# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys
0:02:12 > 0:02:15# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore
0:02:15 > 0:02:18# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys
0:02:18 > 0:02:22# I wouldn't love her any more! #
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Thank you very much!
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Aliens! Run for your monkey lives!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Agh!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Little Howard, why do you want to get me abducted by aliens?
0:02:42 > 0:02:43It'll be fun.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46No, it won't! Haven't you heard what aliens do on their spaceships?
0:02:46 > 0:02:50They use mind probes and read all the thoughts in your head.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52And they do gruesome medical experiments,
0:02:52 > 0:02:54and use death rays... All sorts.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56They give you liquorice?
0:02:56 > 0:03:00No, no, they do all sorts of...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02What am I worried about? Aliens don't exist.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04It's all a load of guff balloons.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Try telling that to my goldfish.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09We've established it's hard to tell a goldfish anything.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Remember when we tried to teach yours to ride a bike?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It's especially hard to tell a goldfish anything
0:03:15 > 0:03:17when it's been abducted by aliens.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Your goldfish was not abducted by aliens, it was next door's cat.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22It looked like an alien.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Just cos it's got a grey face and big eyes, doesn't mean it's an alien.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Sophie Ellis-Bextor's not from another planet, is she?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Isn't she?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Aliens don't exist!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Mother, bit of help here...
0:03:37 > 0:03:39They're here!
0:03:39 > 0:03:44The alien invaders, I can see them in my webcam in the garden! Look!
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Those aren't flying saucers, those are Frisbees!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Oh. Are they alien Frisbees?
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Are they alien Frisbees, Big Howard? They might be, mightn't they?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Three little letters, Little Howard - UFO.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01UFO. Does that mean what I think it means?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04UFO stands for unidentified flying object.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Mother thought the Frisbees were spaceships, but they weren't,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12- they were flying objects that hadn't been identified.- So it WAS a UFO.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It WAS an unidentified flying object,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18but now it HAS been identified - it was a Frisbee.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19An alien...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21From Earth.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Taiwan, to be precise.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Most UFO sightings have perfectly ordinary explanations.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Mother, you must have some footage of unidentified flying objects
0:04:33 > 0:04:35that have now been identified.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Of course I do. Now,
0:04:37 > 0:04:42which of these flying objects have not been identified or explained?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48That one - there can be no other explanation, those are aliens.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51No, those are paper lanterns set off by children.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Look, a whole fleet of alien spaceships!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58No, look again. Those are some potatoes on a coat hanger.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Why would you put potatoes on a coat hanger?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03They might be jacket potatoes.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06See, you think they're all spaceships, but they're not.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I haven't finished yet. What's this one?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Wow!
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Well, that must be some sort of model of a flying saucer that's been
0:05:17 > 0:05:19cleverly edited into the footage.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Wrong! That is definitely an alien spaceship!
0:05:23 > 0:05:24It is not!
0:05:24 > 0:05:27But it's never been identified or explained.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31That is proof the truth is out there!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Thanks a bunch, Mother.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38So, aliens exist. So we can get you abducted by them.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40If you're so keen on them, why do I have to go?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I'm not allowed to accept lifts from strangers,
0:05:43 > 0:05:48and it doesn't get much stranger than slimy green aliens with three heads.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50And probes.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54I've had enough of this, I'm going for a poo.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59When I get back, I don't want to hear any more nonsense
0:05:59 > 0:06:01about aliens, abductions or spaceships.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06This should do.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- Little Howard...- Yes, Mother?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Big Howard is what's called a sceptic.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- I can think of a better word. - I can think of hundreds!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Sceptics don't believe in aliens, but a lot of people do.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23There's a city in New Mexico, USA, called Roswell, where some people
0:06:23 > 0:06:27believe an alien spaceship crash-landed in the desert in 1947.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Witnesses found some very strange debris scattered about.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Of course the American government said it was a weather balloon,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37but some people think they were trying to cover it up.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Brilliant! Let's take Big Howard to Roswell!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Well, I'm not sure your pocket money will stretch
0:06:42 > 0:06:46to two transatlantic flights, but there's a place in Scotland
0:06:46 > 0:06:49called Bonnybridge, which has an alarming number of UFO sightings.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52But how could I get Big Howard to take me up there?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I don't know, he'd have to be pretty stupid
0:06:55 > 0:06:57to get tricked into driving all the way to Scotland.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Mmm...
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Dear the aliens. Hello. Please could you come and alien abduct
0:07:04 > 0:07:06my big friend Big Howard, please.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Just take him for a spin and tell him he was wrong and I was right, ha-ha!
0:07:10 > 0:07:15If you do this for me, I will give you a packet of jammy splats
0:07:15 > 0:07:18and a Kelly Clarkson CD completely free of charge,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22so that you can enjoy the highest achievements of humankind.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25May the force be with yours sincerely, Little Howard.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Muriel - we've just got a letter from a young lad from Earth
0:07:30 > 0:07:32who'd like us to alien abduct a friend of his.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Do you think we could fit it in?
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Well, we've got Mr and Mrs Grainger coming round
0:07:38 > 0:07:41for a Venutian fondue tonight. You know the Graingers -
0:07:41 > 0:07:45he's one of the deadly fish people from Sirius B, and she's a whelk.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Well, they could come along too, I think they'd enjoy it.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53Right-o, how about 8 for 8.30?
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Aliens are weird.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Mother, how do you make a rocket?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59I thought you'd never ask!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06What you'll need is a plastic drinks bottle, a cork, a valve and a pump.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Check, check and check.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11First, make sure the cork fits tightly in the bottle.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Now you need to make a hole through the cork
0:08:14 > 0:08:16to put the bicycle pump valve in.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Push the valve in through the hole.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Attach some big fins that can act as a launch stand.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24And you can put your letter in the nose cone.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Now, take it out into the garden.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Fill it up a third with water, then put a cork in it.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Well, there's no need to be rude.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Oh, I see what you mean.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It fits like a cork.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Good! Now attach the pump...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46Done it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Place the rocket in launch position,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50which is face-up, of course,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52and away from anything fragile and breakable.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Boring!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Just keep pumping till the cork pops out
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and your rocket blasts into space!
0:08:58 > 0:09:02We are ready to launch, control tower, over!
0:09:02 > 0:09:09Engine ignition, over. Bicycle pump activated, copy, over.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Prepare to lift off, over!
0:09:11 > 0:09:1410, 9, 8...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Oh, bum! Over.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Wow! Look how high it went!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Cor blimey, I hope the FBI never have to investigate our toilet.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- What are you up to, Little Howard? - Nothing.- Hmmm...
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Agh! That hit me in the face, you little swine!
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Agh!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- Oh, dear.- Ow!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Where did that come from?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Erm, space?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It's got a note in it.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's probably from the aliens.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Let me see it, I have a smattering of Martian.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54No, it's in English.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56"Dear the aliens..."
0:09:56 > 0:09:59It's probably an alien writing to another alien,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01you really shouldn't read it, it's private.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02I've had enough of this.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05get your coat, we'll sort this out once and for all.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Where are we going?
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- We're going to space!- What?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Well, it's like space, it's Oxfordshire.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You keep going on about men from the stars,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- I'm gonna take you to them.- Blimey!
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Wow! Is there a great big rocket ship in there
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- that's gonna take us into space? - Nope.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Then how are we gonna visit the stars?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Ha-ha-ha-HAH!
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Come on.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Little Howard, this is Jo.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Hi, nice to meet you, welcome to Culham.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Are you gonna take us to the stars?
0:10:36 > 0:10:38In a manner of speaking, yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Is that in a "this isn't true" manner of speaking?
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Well, I'm bringing the stars to you rather than taking you to the stars.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49When you say stars, do you mean stars,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52or do you mean someone who was voted off X-Factor
0:10:52 > 0:10:54just after the audition round?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Cos they're not the same.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Well, it will all be made clear.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Please don't go in there!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- What's that?- That's the big machine where we make stars.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07It's called MAST - Mega Amp Spherical Tokamak.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Please don't touch that!
0:11:12 > 0:11:14This here in red
0:11:14 > 0:11:18are the big magnets we use to hold the gas inside the machine in place.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20But what's it all for?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25Well, Little Howard, we're trying to create nuclear fusion,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28which is when two hydrogen atoms stick together - fuse together,
0:11:28 > 0:11:33and give off energy. So hopefully, we'll be able to put a machine
0:11:33 > 0:11:35just like this one inside a power station
0:11:35 > 0:11:39and produce electricity from this energy being released from fusion.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43And that's what our star looks like.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49- How hot does it get in there, then? - 15 to 20 million degrees centigrade.
0:11:49 > 0:11:55The middle of our sun, the closest star to us, is 15 million degrees.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Wow! Is that even hotter than the middle of an apple pie?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I'm afraid so, Little Howard!
0:12:01 > 0:12:05But we have something even hotter next door. Do you wanna take a look?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11It says here in my Nuclear Power For The Under-10s book,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14that this is JET, the Joint European Torus,
0:12:14 > 0:12:21it is 200 million degrees centigrade inside - 10 times hotter than the sun
0:12:21 > 0:12:25and which I think is nearly as hot as the inside of an apple pie.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28What is it with you and apple pies today?
0:12:29 > 0:12:34Wow! Look at it, it's all shiny and beautiful!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I know, amazing, isn't it?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Especially if you think that every 20 minutes or so,
0:12:39 > 0:12:44JET becomes one of the hottest places in the solar system.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48In fact, there's a countdown starting now. Nine...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50SIREN WAILS
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Agh!- Aggh!- ..Eight...
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Quick! We all need to cover ourselves in pastry!
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Six...- Shut up about apple pies! we're about to be fried!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Ten times hotter than the sun! Agh!
0:13:01 > 0:13:05..Five, four, three, two, one!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Will our heroes escape from the massive microwave in time?
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I really don't know, I'm as worried as you are.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Find out with me after this silly message.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Hey, you, the Roswell alien, stop panicking! Don't you know
0:13:20 > 0:13:23that if your spacecraft has crash-landed in the desert,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Roswell Flying Saucer Insurance can save you
0:13:25 > 0:13:28lots of whatever sort of alien money you use.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31We'll even help arrange the government cover-up, and make sure
0:13:31 > 0:13:35the only witnesses to the incident are profoundly unreliable.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- IN SOUTHERN DRAWL:- I gone done got me some genuine footage
0:13:38 > 0:13:41of the existence of them there aliens!
0:13:44 > 0:13:47So, just intercept the signal to our head office today,
0:13:47 > 0:13:51and never risk being photographed by hillbillies ever again.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56BEEPING
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- Ahh! I'm too young to be a sausage roll!- Oh!
0:14:09 > 0:14:13No! I'm sorry for all the bad things I did!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Oh, I'm not a sausage roll.
0:14:15 > 0:14:20I did say this was just a model, for training purposes.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- But there isn't any water, and there aren't any fish to feed them.- What?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28No, no, training purposes, not...porpoises.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30That's a shame. I like porpoises.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32He's just talking gibberish now.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35So if there aren't any porpoises, are there dolphins?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Shut up, Little Howard. Thank you very much for all your help.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Thank you, nice to see you. Bye!
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Don't touch that.- Sorry.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Wow! That was amazing.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Actually, I've got a friend who lives near here.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Can we pop in and tell him about it?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55OK, so long as we've heard the last of this alien abduction nonsense.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Oh, I've forgotten all about that. - Good.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Where does he live, then?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- It's just up here.- Just along here?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Oh, it's just around the corner.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12It's just along the road and up the next one.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15It's just over the brow of this hill, I'm sure.
0:15:18 > 0:15:21Scotland! We're in Scotland!
0:15:21 > 0:15:25Em, that's the name of the village he lives in.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It's a very big sign for a village.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Well, they must be very proud of it.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Hmm, sounds plausible.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37This is Bonnybridge.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Bonnybridge is in Scotland!
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I read a magazine article about this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44This is where they've had all those UFO sightings.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Is it? Oh, that's a stroke of luck.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49And this is where your friend lives, is it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Yes, right here.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Well, where is he, then?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh. I've just remembered, he's invisible.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Oh, OK, right... What?!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00Never mind, we might as well get out and stretch our legs.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I'll stretch more than your legs in a minute.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06And we could go and have a chat with Councillor Billy Buchanan.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10How do you know the name of the local councillor?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Em, I don't. It was just a guess.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15It's not like I've been planning this all day or anything.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I don't believe this, you tricked me.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I don't know what you're talking about,
0:16:19 > 0:16:22but maybe we should get a move on, because he might expect me
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- in about half an hour. - Do what you like.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I'm not stepping out of this car.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28You could wait here and keep an eye out for aliens.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32I'll do no such thing. I've actually got some important paperwork to do.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34OK, I'll see you in a bit.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Bye.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Hee-hee-hee-hee!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Ooh! Lovely hair.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Hello, Councillor Billy Buchanan. Nice name.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54How many people in Bonnybridge have seen an alien spaceship?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58What is an alien? I mean, Little Howard, you could be an alien.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I mean, I don't know. This is the first time I've never met you.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03How do I know that you're no' an alien
0:17:03 > 0:17:06and how do you know that I'm no' an alien?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07I'm not an alien.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I'm not sure about you.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Well, Little Howard. You asked me the question,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17how we get Bigger Howard abducted.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20This is Rough Castle. This is called the flight path.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23This is the area where most of the sightings take place.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Probably 80 or 90%. You can see Bonnybridge there
0:17:25 > 0:17:28and you can see nearly the rest of Scotland,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31Stirling going right over to the Forth Road Bridge.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34And if there is any place that Big Howard will be abducted,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36it will be here.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Ark, ark, ark, ark...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40ARK! ARK! ARK!
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Ark...ark...ark... Ark...
0:17:44 > 0:17:49- Hello, Big Howard.- Hello, Little Howard! Hi! How are you?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Did you get bored?
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Erm, no. I'm just doing some work for this week's theatre show.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Is this week's show about making origami cranes
0:17:57 > 0:18:00out of an old magazine?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Might be.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Well, I hope now you've finished with all this
0:18:05 > 0:18:07alien abduction tomfoolery.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Yeah, I'm bored with it now.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Alien abductions are so 15 minutes ago.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Cos if you try any more tricks like that, I'll see it coming a mile off.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- I know. And there's no way you'd be so stupid twice in one day.- No way.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I still don't understand how
0:18:21 > 0:18:24all this camping equipment got to be in the car.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Well, it probably just fell in overnight.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Fell in? The car was locked.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Oh. Well, I definitely didn't put it in there to trick you into
0:18:33 > 0:18:37going camping with me on a hill that is renowned for UFO sightings.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I wasn't suggesting that for a moment, Little Howard.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42This looks like a pretty good place to put up a tent.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45I think just at the top of this hill.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Wait for me!
0:19:01 > 0:19:02There we go. Nothing to it.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I thought you said it wouldn't take a jiffy.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Well, it didn't.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10No, it took two hours. That's the biggest jiffy I've ever seen.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Well, shall we take it down now so you can have a go?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16No. You won't be here much longer.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18What do you mean?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Em, I mean, you will probably nod off.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You must be very tired.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I must admit, I am sleepy after the long drive
0:19:25 > 0:19:26and putting the tent up.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And all that hard work you did in the car.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Yeah. Origami cranes don't put themselves up.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Tell me about it. I had to make 8,000 of those
0:19:35 > 0:19:37for SMart's origami ornithology special.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart! What on earth are you doing here?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Well, Little Howard invited me up to help get you abduct...
0:19:44 > 0:19:45LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS
0:19:46 > 0:19:48You all right, Little Howard?
0:19:48 > 0:19:54I mean, I popped up to do some UFO spotting. That's it, yeah.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Oh, is this a good place to spot UFOs? I had no idea.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00What a coincidence.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Just putting up a tent. No idea.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10I mean, there must be some other life out there.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13There are millions of planets and stars in the universe.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15And they found water on Europa.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18That's one of Jupiter's moons. And on Mars.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23And there's a planet that orbits a star called Gliese 518.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Nice name.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Apparently, it's got similar geology to Earth.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Scientists say it's in the Goldilocks zone.
0:20:31 > 0:20:36That means it's not too hot, not too cold, it's just right.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Scientists are big babies, aren't they?- Yeah!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42You know what a lot about aliens, Kirsten O'Brien.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Well, you asked me to do all the research into it.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You know, cos of...
0:20:47 > 0:20:48LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Do you want some cough medicine for your throat? It sounds really bad.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Unbelievable.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Big Howard, you know they've taken "gullible" out of the dictionary?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58What does gullible mean?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Well, we'll never know now. That's terrible.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Well, we better get some shut-eye. We've got a long night's work ahead.
0:21:08 > 0:21:09LITTLE HOWARD COUGHS
0:21:09 > 0:21:11I mean, a long drive home tomorrow.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14But it's only half five!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- No, Curtain's right.- Kirsten!
0:21:17 > 0:21:21- Bless you. We've got to get some sleep. Night night.- Goodnight.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I can't sleep now. I'm wide awake.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26I've got a million thoughts going through...
0:21:26 > 0:21:32HE SNORES
0:22:42 > 0:22:45There we go. That should do the trick.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Yes, thank you very much for your help, Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Just call me Kirsten O'Brien Off-Of.
0:22:51 > 0:22:55I will. You want to stay and see if the aliens come and get him?
0:22:55 > 0:22:56No, I've got to go to Dorset now
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and paint some pants on the Cerne Abbas giant.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Good luck with it, though. See you.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Oh, Fern Britton... Oh!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Did you sleep well, Big Howard?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, yes I did, thanks.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22I had a really weird dream that you and Kirsten O'Brien off of SMart
0:23:22 > 0:23:24were pegging me out in a field with tent pegs. Huh!
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Where do you get these crazy ideas from?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Yeah, I'm mad, aren't I?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Wait a minute. Why am I pegged out in a field?
0:23:33 > 0:23:35It was probably fieldmice.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39You're not trying to get me abducted by aliens, are you?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Oh no.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Erm, oh, what's that over there?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47I think it's a pinball machine. I'll be back in a bit.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Oh, you and your pinball machines, I don't know...
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Pinball machine, out here?!
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Ow!
0:24:05 > 0:24:08# Is there anybody out there?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11# If there is, could you please come and take Big Howard
0:24:11 > 0:24:14# Cos he's never really been to space
0:24:14 > 0:24:17# He is big but he's easily overpowered
0:24:17 > 0:24:20# If there's anybody out there
0:24:20 > 0:24:23# I'd be grateful if you stayed out there at home
0:24:23 > 0:24:25# I don't want to go on holiday
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# I'd be happy with a fortnight out in Rome
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# If there's anybody out there
0:24:31 > 0:24:34# Could you please come here and take my friend
0:24:34 > 0:24:37# Show him all of the universe
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# Buy him dinner at the restaurant at the end
0:24:40 > 0:24:42# If there's anybody out there
0:24:42 > 0:24:46# I'd like to tell you that I'm happy where I am
0:24:46 > 0:24:48# And you wouldn't really like me much
0:24:48 > 0:24:51# I'm a rotter, I'd be better off in Rotterdam
0:24:53 > 0:24:57# Ah, ahhh...
0:24:59 > 0:25:03# Ah, ahhh...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# If there's anybody out there
0:25:06 > 0:25:09# Take him to your leader just for me
0:25:09 > 0:25:11# Cos he's never really been to space
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# And he doesn't let me watch enough TV
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# If there's anybody out there
0:25:17 > 0:25:20# I'd be grateful if you stayed right where you are
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# Cos I get a little travel sick
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# I'll be very sick if I travel that far
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# If there's anybody out there
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# Show him all the stars and a black hole
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# Cos he's never really been to space
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# And he always hogs the remote control... #
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What?! Is that what all this is about?
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I wouldn't let you watch that film last night?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Well, yes. It looked brilliant, and it had aliens in it.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50I recorded it. I forgot to tell you. You can watch it when we get home.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Oh. Um...
0:25:54 > 0:25:58BOTH: # If there's anybody out there
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# We are very sorry to have bothered you
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Carry on invading stars
0:26:03 > 0:26:07# Going shopping or whatever it is you do
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# If there's anybody out there
0:26:09 > 0:26:13# Please ignore all the things that we just said
0:26:13 > 0:26:15# Carry on assimilating Mars
0:26:15 > 0:26:20# Tumble drying or perhaps just stay in bed
0:26:20 > 0:26:27# Stay...in...
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# Bed. #
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It sounds like Mother's still up.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Hang on, what's she watching?
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- TV:- 'Don't worry, Daphne. The flesh-eating monsters from Mars
0:26:43 > 0:26:46'won't bother us here in Woking. Especially not in Lovers' Lane.'
0:26:46 > 0:26:49(She's watching that film I recorded for you.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51(Why are we whispering?)
0:26:53 > 0:26:54This gives me an idea.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02'Come here and give me a stout kiss, you silly, silly Daphne.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07'I'll do better than that, Bernard. I'll eat your flesh!'
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11No!
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Resistance is stupid, puny Earth computer.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17We are invaders from the Planet...
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Um... Rubber Glovelier.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27You must swear allegiance to our flippin' enormous battle fleet,
0:27:27 > 0:27:32which is poised outside Earth's atmosphere and ready to rain down...
0:27:32 > 0:27:37- um, origami cranes upon your puny planet.- Steady on!
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I surrender.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41I swear allegiance to you, oh great conquerors.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45I hereby denounce all the human people on Earth.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Except George Michael, and that nice man on Strictly.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50What's his name?
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Was he the rugby player?
0:27:53 > 0:27:57Wait a minute. How do you know about Strictly Come Dancing?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Because...it's us!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02THEY LAUGH
0:28:02 > 0:28:07Oh, you, you cheeky pair of...whats-his-names.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk