0:00:05 > 0:00:07'Lo! What do you want?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Oh, innkeeper!
0:00:09 > 0:00:13My wife Mary is fat with child,
0:00:13 > 0:00:16so I've lugged her all the way from Bethlehem on this rocking donkey.
0:00:16 > 0:00:21Let us into your inn, oh, innkeeper?
0:00:21 > 0:00:26The only rooms we have left, sir, are our king-size Park View Suites.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30- They're eight grand a night. - Sire, I am but a lowly...
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- How much!?- Stop the rehearsal!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Roger, I've told you already.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36- Stick to the script!- Come on!
0:00:36 > 0:00:40This material feels like it's 2,000 years old. It needs updating.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Yeah! Instead of a donkey, could I ride into Bethlehem on a speedboat?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47No! No! And whatever he's about to say, no!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's the Bible! It doesn't need updating!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53I know exactly what this play needs!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56It needs tradition, like the classic productions!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Who can forget St Andrew's Primary School Nativity 1981?
0:01:00 > 0:01:04It was full of seminal moments like when the angel wandered off
0:01:04 > 0:01:06into the audience to find their mummy
0:01:06 > 0:01:08cos their halo was too itchy.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13I want moments like that throughout this show.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15HORN
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I, Little Howard, have come up with another
0:01:18 > 0:01:19of my big questions!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23How can I get Father Christmas to star in our Nativity play?
0:01:23 > 0:01:27Come on, people! No-one's supposed to put their head through
0:01:27 > 0:01:29the stable door until act two!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Read your scripts!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# I love monkeys, I love monkeys
0:01:36 > 0:01:40# All those happy, little chirpy, little monkeys
0:01:40 > 0:01:42# With their tails and their bananas
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# I think that if we all were monkeys
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# We'd have happier mananas
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# Give me monkeys lots of monkeys
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore
0:01:52 > 0:01:56# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# I wouldn't love her any more! # Thank you very much!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05We might have overdone it with the sleigh bells.
0:02:05 > 0:02:10It's a Christmas special! It's not possible to overdo the sleigh bells.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Suppose so.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15That wasn't the sleigh bells,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17he's eaten too many mince pies.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20There are mince pies? Ho-ho-ho!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Don't get me wrong, I like the ending where we all sing
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Away In A Manger and the star falls on the shepherd's head.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31But imagine how much more impact it would have if,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32while we were singing it,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Father Christmas smashed through the wall, shouted,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"Ho! Ho! Ho!" and wished us all a very merry Christmas!
0:02:38 > 0:02:42That's not what happens in a traditional Nativity play!
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And where's the true meaning of Christmas? Hmm?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Exactly! Where's the true meaning of Christmas?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Getting loads of presents.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Precisely! Getting loads...
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Getting presents isn't the meaning of Christmas.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Getting loads and loads of gift vouchers?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01The true meaning of Christmas is Jesus's message that we should
0:03:01 > 0:03:05all be nice to each other and...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Er, overeating.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Right, it's a done deal.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I've just ordered 1,000 posters and got every TV executive
0:03:12 > 0:03:15and theatre booker in town to come to what I...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I mean we, are now calling
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Santa Goes To Bethlehem: The Nativity II - Redux.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24What does redux mean?
0:03:24 > 0:03:26No-one knows, it just sounds good.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28If we get Santa on board,
0:03:28 > 0:03:34we can transfer to any theatre in the West End and get a TV deal.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- Directed by Bog Howard? - What do you expect?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- I got it designed, set and printed in two minutes!- Brilliant!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45All we need to do is find Father Christmas and convince him to sign.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Hello, my good elf. We need to see Father Christmas.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Oh, you do, do you?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57Well, you'll have to join the queue like everyone else.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58But there isn't a queue.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01There's no-one at the front, everyone's at the back.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03It's about a mile in that direction.
0:04:03 > 0:04:07I just want to see if he'd be in our Nativity play tomorrow night.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Tomorrow night!?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10That's Christmas Eve!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14Or E-Day, as we call it in the Chrimbo biz. He's got to deliver
0:04:14 > 0:04:15all the presents in the world!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Any idea how long that takes?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19And Blitzen's got 'ooping cough.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21I just want to ask him...
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Well, he's not here!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Eight kids have been sick in his beard this morning,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27he's had to take his hat to the cleaners.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- But if we could just...- No!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Go on, get out of it! Scram! Hop it!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33You flippin' kids.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Oh, and merry Christmas!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Come on, focus, focus, focus.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Eyes on me.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49It turns out, surprise, surprise, that Father Christmas is too busy
0:04:49 > 0:04:52to be in our Nativity play on Christmas Eve.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55So we're going back to my traditional version of the tale.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I'd like to go from the top of scene four.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Positions, please!
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Right. If Father Christmas won't sign,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07I'll have to find a way to persuade him.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09No more Mr Nice Pigeon!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Who's Mr Nice Pigeon?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14How am I going to get Father Christmas to star
0:05:14 > 0:05:15in our Nativity play?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Well, I'm conducting a letter writing campaign to him
0:05:18 > 0:05:21- and you could write, too. - What are you asking him for?
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm asking for a lot of dollies this Christmas.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26And ponies, and pink shoes with twinkles on,
0:05:26 > 0:05:28and book of sumo wrestling moves.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- What?- I'm putting it all in writing,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33so Father Christmas doesn't forget anything.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Not one single thing! Look.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Um... That's...
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Lovely.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Focus, focus! Where's our Joseph
0:05:43 > 0:05:47and why's that innkeeper got a screen and a projector?!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Shut it, flappy. I'm going to
0:05:49 > 0:05:53blackmail the big FC so this show makes sackloads of Christmas wonga.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Unless the whiskery wobble-bottom does the play,
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I will present this live expose of his dark and murky past.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Has Father Christmas got a dark and murky past?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Probably not, but he does go under a lot of aliases
0:06:09 > 0:06:13so he must be hiding something. Have a look at this.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18The first sightings of the man we know as Father Christmas
0:06:18 > 0:06:22was in Turkey 1,700 years ago.
0:06:22 > 0:06:29He was a bishop called Saint Nicolas who spent his time putting coins
0:06:29 > 0:06:30in people's shoes.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35The great big weirdo. In Holland he went under the name of Sinter Klause.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38In America, he told them his name was Santa Claus.
0:06:38 > 0:06:44And in Britain he's had several names, Sir Christmas, Lord Christmas
0:06:44 > 0:06:46and, finally, Father Christmas.
0:06:46 > 0:06:52Don't go trying to tell me there's nothing dodgy about... Ow! Ah!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You leave Father Christmas alone!
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Take that you 'orrible pigeon!
0:06:56 > 0:07:00He brings me dollies!
0:07:02 > 0:07:07If you've all finished I'd like to run through Joseph's crucial
0:07:07 > 0:07:08final speech to Mary,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12during which one of the angels tries to do a handstand,
0:07:12 > 0:07:16everyone sees her knickers and she knocks over half the set.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Little Howard, where are you going?!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21I've got to write a letter to Father Christmas asking him
0:07:21 > 0:07:23very nicely to be in our play!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Ending a Nativity play with Father Christmas
0:07:25 > 0:07:27is a terrible idea, you ask anyone!
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Ending a Nativity play with Father Christmas is a fabulous idea!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Give us a kiss.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37No. Big Howard says it's not traditional.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Well, at least he's not coming on and having a poo.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Well, there is that... What?
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Nativity scenes in the Catalan region
0:07:44 > 0:07:46of Spain have a Caganer in the corner.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Ca-what-er?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I... What? I...
0:07:51 > 0:07:57Yes. They have the usual manger, shepherds and three wise men.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00But they also have a small statue squatting down having a poo.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03But... Don't people complain?
0:08:03 > 0:08:06On the contrary, it's hugely popular.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08When the official Nativity scene
0:08:08 > 0:08:13in Barcelona missed the Caganer out, locals kicked up a colossal stink...
0:08:13 > 0:08:14so to speak.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17The next year he was back, at a respectful distance from
0:08:17 > 0:08:21the baby Jesus, happily parking his paella.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22That is amazing!
0:08:22 > 0:08:25But Big Howard isn't too keen on letting
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Father Christmas be in our Nativity.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30I don't think he's going to go for a pooing gnome.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Santa has only...
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Hey, what are you... Hey! No! Get off!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Help!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Is there something wrong with your face?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55No. Why are you dressed like that?
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Father Christmas won't see me at
0:08:56 > 0:09:00his grotto and he hasn't answered my letter yet.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03And I did sent it 15 minutes ago!
0:09:03 > 0:09:06So, I'm going to the North Pole to see him myself!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Oh, well, there might not be any need for that because erm...
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- DOORBELL RINGS - I wonder who that can be!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Look! It's Father Christmas!
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Ho! Ho!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24HE COUGHS
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Er, ho!
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Oh, yeah. Three hos, isn't it? Sorry.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30Hello, Father Christmas.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35You look a bit more skinny and ratty than usual.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Turns out I'm mince pie intolerant.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I only have to have a single mince pie and I'm on the loo all afternoon.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Charming(!)
0:09:43 > 0:09:48- And why's your beard made out of paper?- Paper beard?
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Oh, they're all the rage in Laptop-land.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- (Lapland.)- Lapland!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55OK, "Father Christmas".
0:09:55 > 0:09:57Answer these three questions.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01What did I ask for for Christmas?
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Uh... Erm...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08- Fleas?- What?!
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Sorry, no, I was mixing you up with that other
0:10:12 > 0:10:14boy that... wanted the fleas for Christmas.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Oh! You want a banana!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- COUGHS: Monkey! - Ah! You want a cough!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24He wants a monkey for Christmas! For goodness sakes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28Right. You're not doing brilliantly well. Question two.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30What colour is Rudolf's nose.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Er...
0:10:31 > 0:10:36- Rudolf?- Rudolf, your reindeer.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- Ah! Brown.- No.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42- Beige?- No!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Fawn?- He does have a lot of reindeer, to be fair.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50It's red! He's called Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- He's your reindeer.- He does spend a lot of time facing the other way.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57I know what colour his bottom is. That is brown.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Well, taupe.- Get out.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Who was he?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07He's in my tae kwon do class.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Right twonko, more like.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10PHONE RINGS
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Just trying to put a bit of magic in Christmas, it's fine...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Hello? Big Howard, Little Howard house,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Little Howard of the house speaking.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Hello my titchy little chipolata!
0:11:21 > 0:11:24You know Christmas is a time for family?
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Yes.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Well, go to Father Christmas's grotto in ten minutes, and you might
0:11:30 > 0:11:34just bump into a kind of half member of your family, sort of.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Suffering Santa Clauses,
0:11:36 > 0:11:40isn't that Little Albert, Little Howard's evil half-brother, sort of?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43What's going to happen now? And what am I going to get for Christmas?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I wanted a Wii. And luckily I've got time to have one.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48It's the commercial break.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Do you have a special playmate this Christmas?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55If not, why not pester your parents or grandparents,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58or anyone you know with the cash to buy you My Little Dolly Doll?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It's a little dolly with a big heart, and even bigger head.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04- Look at the size of that head, it's massive!- Dollies!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Oh, no! She's back! - Give me the dollies!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Call the police!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Dollies!
0:12:13 > 0:12:16We seem to be having technical difficulties with this ad break.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Here's the other half of the programme you were watching.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Little Albert! What are you doing here?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I saw your poster and thought I
0:12:28 > 0:12:33- could help you track down Father Christmas.- That's very nice of you.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Well, it is Christmas.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37And it is part of a dastardly evil plan.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Oh, good... Pardon?
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Nothing! I think you'll find the big plum pudding's in here.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Why's the Elf tied up?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49He's training to become a bauble.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Right, let's go and see Santa.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55ELF MUMBLES
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Hello?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Father Christmas?
0:13:00 > 0:13:04Ah, Little Howard! Now, I've read your letters and...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Oh... You two.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Little Albert! Roger! What are you doing?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Oh, now steady on, you two.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Aagh, oh, ah...
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Oh, dear. I'm never going to get a monkey for Christmas now.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Hello, Father Christmas.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32I'm a big fan, by the way. Love your work.
0:13:32 > 0:13:38Little Howard. There's a fine line between a "big fan" and "kidnapper"
0:13:38 > 0:13:40and you have just crossed it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43I didn't want to tie you up, I just wanted you to give our
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Nativity play a bit more zing.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- Oh, well, that's fine then.- Really?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Of course not!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- I have nothing to do with the Nativity!- Oh, please be in it!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59I just want you to deliver a message of goodwill to the audience.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02And to hold you to ransom for all the presents in the world!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Yes, and to hold you to ransom... What?!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07The Pigeon and I have been talking.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12It seems a shame to just put you in a play, when we could
0:14:12 > 0:14:17keep you prisoner until I am given all the presents on the planet!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22And some cash. I'd like some cash too.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26This is Father Christmas! Have some respect!
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I didn't think you'd play along, Little Howard.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Walnut Whip!
0:14:31 > 0:14:35You see, Little Howard, I've never had a single Christmas present
0:14:35 > 0:14:37in all my wretched life.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40To be fair, you have been consistently very
0:14:40 > 0:14:44- naughty for as long as I can... - Silence, Christmas!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Pigeon, get the electronic video graphic camera recording device.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I'll just use my phone.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Your telephone?- My mobile.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Have you been living under a rock for the last ten years?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57For part of the time, yes!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Don't knock it till you've tried it, fatso!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03I'm not fat! I've just got big feathers.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07That's the problem with naughty people, they never get on.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16- More mince pies anyone?- No, thanks, Mother, these are revolting.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oh! I meant to tell you, there's something
0:15:19 > 0:15:21been posted online that you might like to see.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Greetings people of Earth!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I, Little Albert,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31have captured Father Christmas,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35and a minor CBBC personality.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40To see them returned safely, I want all the Christmas presents
0:15:40 > 0:15:42in the world!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Ah-ha-ha-ha!- And some cash.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48You must all put whatever Christmas presents are under your
0:15:48 > 0:15:53tree outside, to be collected by the squirrels of the world!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55And leave out some cash.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Come on, dig deep. It is Christmas.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00If I don't receive your co-operation,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I will be forced to...erm.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08Shave Father Christmas's beard off and reveal his secret identity!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I don't have a secret identity.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- I'm Father Christmas.- Shut up!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- Just...send me your presents, or else!- And some...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Will you shut up about the cash!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Right.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23More tea, anyone?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Presents, power and prisoners!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32This must be the best Christmas ever!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Aw, isn't he sweet?!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38# Christmas comes but once a year
0:16:38 > 0:16:40# Unless you've got what I've got in here
0:16:40 > 0:16:42# Wrestle Santa to the ground
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# And you can have Christmas all year round
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# Knocking Rudolf from the skies
0:16:48 > 0:16:50# He'll have one red nose and two black eyes
0:16:50 > 0:16:55# If you see us two about Good King Wenceslas, look out!
0:16:55 > 0:16:58# Catch and cage Father Christmas
0:16:58 > 0:17:00# Tie him with your stockings to the wall
0:17:00 > 0:17:03# Catch and cage Father Christmas
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# Deck him first then deck the halls
0:17:15 > 0:17:17# Most kids won't need telling twice
0:17:17 > 0:17:20# Caging Father Christmas isn't very nice
0:17:20 > 0:17:25# It's not exactly mistletoe Let my Father Christmas go
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- # Catch and cage Father Christmas - I knew it
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- # Tie him with your stockings to the wall- Don't do it
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- # Catch and cage Father Christmas - He'll be missed
0:17:32 > 0:17:35# This is going to put you on his naughty list
0:17:39 > 0:17:42# You're not showing reverence
0:17:42 > 0:17:45# He's probably good at self-defence
0:17:45 > 0:17:49# It's a time to give not take Don't you make this big mistake
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- # Catch and cage Father Christmas - He won't let you
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- # Tie him with your stockings to the wall- I'll bet you
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- # Catch and cage Father Christmas - He'll get you
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# Deck him first then deck the halls... #
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Look here, let me out of here!
0:18:05 > 0:18:09I've got several billion chimneys to get down!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I thought he was supposed to be jolly?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Gum ya beak up, beardface.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18I know, if we cover his cage up he might go to sleep.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I'm not a bloomin' budgerigar! What's this...?
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Put that... Oh... HE SNORES
0:18:26 > 0:18:28LOUD SMASH
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Big Howard!- Give me back my dollies!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Blimey! And I thought I was feral!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Wallop him, Big Howard! Crush his beak!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Push his stubby little nose back!
0:18:46 > 0:18:52I'll spank his bottom with your face!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Oh, no, Howard...no!
0:19:00 > 0:19:01Stop it, ow!
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- Ow!- How did you know where we were?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Mother remembered where you were last time she had
0:19:07 > 0:19:09to rescue you from Little Albert.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh! Father Christmas is in the cage.
0:19:11 > 0:19:16Let him out quick so he can deliver all the presents!
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- He's escaped! The hairy swine! - How did he do that?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22He's Father Christmas, you twonk! He's magic!
0:19:22 > 0:19:28Haven't you three got a nativity play to be in about...three minutes ago?
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Arrgh!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33But who can play the Innkeeper as well as Roger?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Pretty much anyone. Mother, you'll do, come on, quick!
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Dollies! Do-do-do-do-do...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Hello, my name's Arabella.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- Hello, my name's Miranda.- Come on.
0:19:47 > 0:19:55# The little Lord Jesus Asleep on the hay. #
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- Bravo! Excellent! - Father Christmas!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Hello, everyone!
0:20:13 > 0:20:14What a marvellous show!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I particularly liked the joke
0:20:17 > 0:20:22where the wise man brought Frankenstein instead of frankincense.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24ALL LAUGH
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Who's Frankincense?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Oh, dear.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Anyway, I just popped by on my travels to say,
0:20:32 > 0:20:38thank you all for saving me, and also to remind you of
0:20:38 > 0:20:41the Christmas message of goodwill to all.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45A time for being with loved ones.
0:20:45 > 0:20:51It is not, and I repeat not, about coming to my grotto,
0:20:51 > 0:20:59bundling me into a sack, and holding me to ransom for cash.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02And also, Merry Christmas!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Am I forgiven?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13- I think so.- Do I get Dollies?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17You get dollies and some counselling.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18You have issues.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21What's going to happen to Little Albert and Roger?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Don't worry, I've sorted out those two.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28Oh, and one more thing. Ho Ho Ho!
0:21:28 > 0:21:33# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day
0:21:35 > 0:21:40# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play... #
0:21:42 > 0:21:45How many of these have we got to do?
0:21:45 > 0:21:4880 million. And that's just for Little Susan.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I want 'em done by the end of November,
0:21:50 > 0:21:51or we'll cram you full of chestnuts.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I always wondered how he did it.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Are you still technically an elf at that size?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Shut up and get stitching.