0:00:02 > 0:00:0387, 86, 82. 23...
0:00:03 > 0:00:06Two, one... Coming, ready or not!
0:00:06 > 0:00:11- MOBILE PHONE PLAYS: - # I'm every woman It's all in... #
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Oh, Roger!
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Found you!
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Any news of us hosting the awards ceremony yet?
0:00:17 > 0:00:19I said, found you!
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Great! See if you can get us more money -
0:00:22 > 0:00:25hold out for the big bucks. Five pounds, at least.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28And I want them to pay my bus fare this time.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- Sorry, where were we?- Well,- I- thought we were playing hide-and-seek.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39But apparently, we're playing hide and then talk unnecessarily loudly
0:00:39 > 0:00:41on the phone.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Sorry, that was Roger.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I know!- How do you know? - Because it wasn't me.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48My turn to hide! You'll never find me!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53100, 99, 98...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56# I'm every woman
0:00:56 > 0:00:59# It's all in me... #
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Hello?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Ah, hi, Roger!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06No, we're immersed in a team-building exercise.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09I'll discuss it with Little Howard and call you back.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I'm sure he'll love it,
0:01:11 > 0:01:13but I ought to check... HORN BLARES
0:01:16 > 0:01:20I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my Big Questions.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Could Big Howard live without his mobile phone?
0:01:23 > 0:01:32DISTORTED VOICE: I do wish you wouldn't do that...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# I love monkeys
0:01:39 > 0:01:40# I love monkeys
0:01:40 > 0:01:43# Oh, those happy little chappy little monkeys
0:01:43 > 0:01:47# With their tails and their bananas
0:01:47 > 0:01:48# I think that if we all were monkeys
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# We'd have happier mananas
0:01:50 > 0:01:51# Give me monkeys
0:01:51 > 0:01:53# Lots of monkeys
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore
0:01:56 > 0:01:59# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# I wouldn't love her any more! #
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Thank you very much! - MOBILES RING
0:02:04 > 0:02:09- Oh!- They're not there any more, are they?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12# I'm every woman... #
0:02:14 > 0:02:16HE MOUTHS
0:02:20 > 0:02:23My lovely phone!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25So many apps, and I never knew their names!
0:02:25 > 0:02:30I was right! You can't live without your mobile phone, can you?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32It's not that! Well, it is that.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36But it's also that Roger just offered us a job
0:02:36 > 0:02:39presenting the Awards of Britain's Best Toys, Games and Sweets!
0:02:39 > 0:02:42The awards ceremony where everyone there gets given all the toys, games
0:02:42 > 0:02:45and sweets on the market in a big gold-plated satchel?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48That's the one! But I didn't tell him we'd do it,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I said I'd talk to you first!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Yeah, cos I might have turned THAT down(!)
0:02:53 > 0:02:57That might have been a mistake. But if I don't speak to him soon,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- he's going to give it to someone else!- No. Not...
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Big Cook, Little Cook!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Well, ring him back, quick!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I've dropped my phone down the drain!
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Well, what did you do that for?
0:03:11 > 0:03:16This is a disaster. How are we going to live without your mobile phone?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19DANCE MUSIC
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I'm off to a meeting, Hayley, love.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Don't "love" me, Mr T Pigeon.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I'm a secretary, not your little plaything!
0:03:29 > 0:03:30If Big Howard rings,
0:03:30 > 0:03:36tell him I can get someone else to do the job at the drop of a hat.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Who are you going to give it to? - At The Drop Of A Hat!
0:03:40 > 0:03:43They're a juggling group. As the name suggests, they're rubbish,
0:03:43 > 0:03:47but they're better than him. Oh, and is that filing done yet?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Erm, in your own time!
0:03:52 > 0:03:56# "If you wanna squeal," said the FBI "We can make a deal..." #
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Oh! I mean, I can see it.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- If I could just...- Big Howard, I think you should face it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06The phone is gone.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08I'd be able to get it if...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12if this twig had a grabbing claw on the end.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Do they do trees like that?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17SLAP! Aww! Ah! Aww!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I'm sorry, Big Howard, but you were becoming hysterical.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And you're usually extremely unfunny, so I panicked.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- How can we get in touch with Roger? - Phone Roger from a phone box!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I don't know his number, it's on my phone SIM card!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I haven't had to remember a phone number since 1998!
0:04:34 > 0:04:40If you'd let ME have a mobile phone, we wouldn't be in this mess.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42I'd like a glass of milk, please.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Yes...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47sir.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57PHONE RINGS
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Thank you!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Pleasure.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Over my dead body.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Where are you going?- To the car. We could drive to Roger's.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Of course! Nothing can go wrong with that.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22CAR ENGINE TURNS OVER
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- It won't start! - 'Good afternoon.'
0:05:25 > 0:05:26BOTH SCREAM
0:05:26 > 0:05:28'I am the car. Please fasten your seatbelts.'
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Big Howard...
0:05:31 > 0:05:35- why is the car talking? - 'I've been customised by Mother.'
0:05:35 > 0:05:39'I am now a sentient, interactive, driving experience.'
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Brilliant! A talking car!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44This is marvellous!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Hello, the car. Um...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49why won't the engine start?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51'Good question. I'll run some diagnostics.'
0:05:51 > 0:05:53BEEPING
0:05:53 > 0:05:57'Right. It's because Mother has removed the engine.'
0:05:59 > 0:06:00What?
0:06:00 > 0:06:04'Well, she had to fit my voice processors in somewhere!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07'Never mind, let's have a game of I Spy!
0:06:07 > 0:06:08'Oh, don't be like that!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10'Come on, we don't need an engine!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13'I'll steer and you push.'
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Hello, boys!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Fancy playing Solitaire with me? It's no fun on your own.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Mother, why have you removed the engine from my car?
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Well, everyone's got a car with an engine!
0:06:26 > 0:06:29How many people have got a car that can play driving games
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and lead the whole family in a sing-song?
0:06:32 > 0:06:33OK, before I smash you to bits
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and put your various components in the recycling bin,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39have you got any way I can get in touch with Roger
0:06:39 > 0:06:41without my mobile phone?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You could use e-mail...
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- Of course!- ..if I hadn't fallen out with my internet service provider
0:06:47 > 0:06:50for refusing to cut back my online sunflowers.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Apparently, they're blocking his view of the bottom two thirds
0:06:53 > 0:06:55of cyberspace, or something.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- Big Howard! - Right, you've asked for this!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Big Howard!- What? Come on, she's had it coming for ages!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04No, but you're holding a telephone directory.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09- You think I need something heavier? - No. Roger's office telephone number
0:07:09 > 0:07:11might be in the telephone directory.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Ooh! So is that what telephone directories are for?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19That, and helping me to see over people with big hair in the cinema.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29PHONE RINGS
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Oh, he's a right pest, that boss of mine. Literally.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Yesterday, I had to hide him in the stationery cupboard
0:07:35 > 0:07:39because there was a spot inspection by the pest control officer.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- PHONE CONTINUES TO RING - Shut up!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44No, not you, dear. No, you go on.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46No answer!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50We have to contact Roger! He's probably signing a contract
0:07:50 > 0:07:53with Big Cook, Little Cook as we speak!
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- What are we going to do?- Well, you could always try communicating
0:07:56 > 0:07:59the way they did before the invention of the telephone.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00How did they do that?
0:08:00 > 0:08:05Telegram! Via Morse code. All you need is a telegraph machine.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Of course!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11My grandad left me a telegraph machine! It's in the loft! Perfect.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Why didn't I think of this before?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17The machine communicated through a series of long and short beeps,
0:08:17 > 0:08:22and could be received miles away, over radio waves, or abroad,
0:08:22 > 0:08:23via undersea cables.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29Excellent! This plan can't fail!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33As long as your grandad also left Roger a telegraph machine
0:08:33 > 0:08:36and taught you both to understand Morse code.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Ah. He didn't do that.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Apart from that, the plan was flawless.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Did your grandad leave you a teleporter?
0:08:46 > 0:08:47A Batmobile?
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- Some of those shoes with wheels in the back?- Shush.- I know.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You could run a marathon!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56What? We need to get in touch with Roger,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59not raise money for charity dressed as chickens!
0:09:01 > 0:09:02What?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I'd quite like to raise some money for charity dressed as a chicken.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Another time, perhaps.- Legend has it, the marathon was named
0:09:09 > 0:09:11after the Greek town of Marathon,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15which was invaded by the Persians in the year 490.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19The Greeks sent the messenger Pheidippides to run the 26 miles
0:09:19 > 0:09:22to Athens to tell everyone of their victory.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24How far is it to Roger's office?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- About 26 miles. - Brilliant!- Wait a minute!
0:09:28 > 0:09:32Just cos something's 26 miles away, it doesn't mean we have to run there!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Come on, what's Pheidippides got that we haven't got?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38A very silly name?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41"CHARIOTS OF FIRE" THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Right. On your marks, get set, go!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03GASPING AND WHEEZING
0:10:04 > 0:10:09I think you might need months and months of training
0:10:09 > 0:10:11to run a marathon.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12There's only one thing for it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Months and months of training?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Oooh.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18BUS ENGINE
0:10:43 > 0:10:44We made it!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46BOTH PANT
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Excuse me...
0:10:49 > 0:10:50..Miss?
0:10:51 > 0:10:52Could we see Mr T Pigeon, please?
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Are you Huge and Stubby Howard?
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Erm, kind of.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Oh, there's two of you! I didn't see you there.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Mr T Pigeon has been expecting you...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- Oh, thank goodness. - And he's gone out.- Oh.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Can you give us his mobile number so I could call him from here?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I don't have the authority
0:11:10 > 0:11:13to give out Mr T Pigeon's personal mobile number.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- I had it, but I lost my phone. - Still don't have the authority.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Can you tell us where he's gone? - I don't have the authority.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24- Could you tell us when he'll be back? - I have the authority to do that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25- Good.- I'm not going to,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29on account of how I don't like the look of your great big stupid face.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- WHISTLING FROM OUTSIDE - Oh, excuse me, Fat Howard and...
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Piddly Little Howard.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40SHE WHISTLES
0:11:40 > 0:11:43What are you doing?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Are you thick, or what?
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I'm talking to my mates, aren't I?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50All our bosses have stopped us from using social networking sites,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52on account of how no-one ever gets any work done.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56So I've taught all the girls how to communicate in Silbo -
0:11:56 > 0:12:00the ancient whistled language of the Canary island of La Gomera.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05- Oh! An island run by canaries!- Wow.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Thick as two short thick things, he is.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12The Canary Islands are off the coast of Africa.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15And La Gomera is rutted with ravines and valleys.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18And the whistling resonates and travels along them
0:12:18 > 0:12:19at great distances.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21What did you just say to your friend?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I said, "I'll see you for lunch in ten minutes."
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You said all that by whistling?
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Oh! Could we whistle a message to Roger?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32If you were all in a ravine, yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Best place for you, if you ask me.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I think she might want us to leave.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Ooh, we must be clairvoyant(!)
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Why don't you send a physic message to Mr T Pigeon?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Mind you, he never gets any of the ones I send him.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Which is just as well, of course, otherwise I'd be out of a job.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49And in prison.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Are you still here? - Very nice to meet you!
0:12:56 > 0:13:00You'd think it would be easy to carry a message to a pigeon, wouldn't you?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02What did you just say?
0:13:02 > 0:13:08Oh, I said, you'd think it would be easy to CARRY-A message to a PIGEON.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Not sure why I said it like that.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Oh, sorry, I thought you said something else.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Wait a minute!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16No.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Ooh, carrier pigeon!
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LITTLE HOWARD GRUNTS
0:13:23 > 0:13:27How long have people been using pigeons to send messages?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30They were used back in ancient Persian times,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32about 2,500 years ago.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- Wow!- Julius Caesar used them.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- Julia who?- Julius Caesar, the Roman Emperor.- Never heard of her.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- How fast do pigeons go? - It depends on the wind,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45but the fastest pigeon to be recorded was 90 miles per hour.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Wow! Do you think we could use one of your pigeons
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- to send a message to our manager? - Only if he's in my house in Wales,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56because they're only trained to go to my pigeon shed.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58What? All the pigeons in the world
0:13:58 > 0:14:00are trained to go to your pigeon shed?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02It must be very full.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04No, it's not everybody's.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Just my pigeons. For example...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Denny Phillips down the valley,
0:14:08 > 0:14:12his pigeons fly to his shed and my pigeons fly to my shed.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15So they won't just fly straight to Roger?
0:14:15 > 0:14:20Who would have thought every other pigeon in the world hates Roger?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21What are we going to do?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Why not use a sky writing aerial display team?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Did you say why not use a sky writing aerial display team?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- Yes.- Brilliant idea! How did you think of that?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Oh, right.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39We're the Blades aerobatic team,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42the only full-time aerobatic team in the UK.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46We fly at air displays around Scotland, Ireland, Wales,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- England, and throughout Europe. - Brilliant.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50What sort of plane is this?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52It's called the Extra 300.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It's immensely strong, very manoeuvrable,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58and designed with high-performance aerobatics in mind,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01which makes it great for writing messages in the sky.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What sort of messages do you write in the sky?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06During our display, we do lots of loops and rolls
0:15:06 > 0:15:09and we're trailing smoke so it's very pretty patterns.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13At weddings, we sometimes write love hearts in the sky
0:15:13 > 0:15:14- for the married couple.- Aww.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Is it a good way of communicating with people?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Well, because the sky is so big
0:15:18 > 0:15:20and the messages are so large,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22it's a very good way of communicating, yes.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Could you write us a message in the sky for our manager Roger?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28- It's really important. - I think we could certainly do that.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Ohhhh!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Here we go!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39It's going a bit fast.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Aaaargh!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46OK, Little Howard, what's the message you would like us to write?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49OK, the message is, "Roger..."
0:15:49 > 0:15:51so that's R...
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Aaaaargh!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- ..O... - Argh!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59..G...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01E...
0:16:01 > 0:16:04OK, was that the E?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08..R...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Ooooh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12..F.
0:16:14 > 0:16:19Oh, sorry! "Roger" doesn't have a F on the end.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You'll have to cross it out and start again.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Aaargh!
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Oh.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28That last bit was unnecessary.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32This is much better than using a phone!
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# With a little bit of this and a little bit of that
0:16:36 > 0:16:40# And wiggle your bum... #
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Flap my fat feathers!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Will you look at that!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46BRAKES SQUEAL, CAR HORN TOOTS
0:16:46 > 0:16:48What a coincidence. Seeing a cloud
0:16:48 > 0:16:50shaped exactly like a message saying,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Roger, we'll do the Yummy Sweet Show,"
0:16:52 > 0:16:56while I'm waiting for a confirmation that Big Howard and Little Howard
0:16:56 > 0:16:58want to do the Yummy Sweet Show tonight.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03What are the chances? Still haven't heard from them though.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04They must not want the job.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13That was brilliant.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- Quick, Little Howard, call Mum to see if it's worked.- Good idea.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Thanks, Luke Sky-Writer.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22What? Roger hasn't called?
0:17:22 > 0:17:24He can't have seen our message.
0:17:24 > 0:17:28It's all been a brilliantly entertaining waste of time.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Roger's bound to have given the award ceremony job
0:17:34 > 0:17:36to Big Cook and Little Cook by now.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38I can just see Little Cook now
0:17:38 > 0:17:41announcing the winner of the best yummy sweetie.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- I hope he gets crushed under the weight of the golden envelope.- Yeah.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- MOBILE RINGS FAINTLY - # I'm every woman... #
0:17:47 > 0:17:49My phone!
0:17:49 > 0:17:50# It's all in me... #
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Argh! It might be Roger! This is driving me mad.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# I've lost my phone
0:17:57 > 0:18:00# Ain't got no phone
0:18:00 > 0:18:03# I cannot reach the pigeon
0:18:03 > 0:18:05# To tell him to postpone
0:18:05 > 0:18:08# My hopes of getting through to him
0:18:08 > 0:18:10# Are truly dead and gone
0:18:10 > 0:18:11# I feel doggone alone
0:18:11 > 0:18:14# I've lost my phone
0:18:16 > 0:18:18# I've lost my smile
0:18:18 > 0:18:20# And my mobile
0:18:20 > 0:18:22# Now that I'm without it
0:18:22 > 0:18:24# I find I'm a phoneophile
0:18:24 > 0:18:26# I'd order me a new one
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# But delivery takes a while
0:18:28 > 0:18:31# Oh, I've lost my smile and my mobile
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:18:33 > 0:18:34- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:18:38 > 0:18:40# I'm a dog without a bone
0:18:40 > 0:18:42# I'm a twin without a clone
0:18:42 > 0:18:46# Oh, I'm doggone alone I've lost my phone
0:18:46 > 0:18:49# I can hear it ringing and it seems so very cruel
0:18:49 > 0:18:53# Bobbing in the effluent and floating like a stool
0:18:53 > 0:18:57# It seems its very ringtone is calling me a fool
0:18:57 > 0:19:00# Oh, I'm so all alone I've got no phone
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:04 > 0:19:05- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:07 > 0:19:11# I've never even had one So how can you complain?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13# Just cos you've been clumsy
0:19:13 > 0:19:15# And you've dropped it down the drain?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18# I saw a thing on telly that it microwaves your brain
0:19:18 > 0:19:21# But still you flipping moan you've got no phone
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:24 > 0:19:25- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- # Ain't got no phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:29 > 0:19:33# I'm a shark without a loan I'm a pot with nothing growing
0:19:33 > 0:19:34# Ain't got no phone
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- # You've really lost your phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- # You've lost your flipping phone - Ain't got no phone
0:19:41 > 0:19:44# I think you might have mentioned that
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- # You've lost flipping phone - Got no phone. #
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- FAINT RINGTONE:- # I'm every woman
0:19:51 > 0:19:55# It's all in me. #
0:19:55 > 0:19:56MANHOLE COVER SCRAPES
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Oh, what's that?
0:19:58 > 0:19:59SQUELCHING
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh, oh, it's everywhere!
0:20:01 > 0:20:02BIG HOWARD GROANS
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I've got it! RINGING STOPS
0:20:06 > 0:20:07It's stopped ringing!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- BUTTONS BEEP - Well, ring it back.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12CAR HORN BEEPS
0:20:12 > 0:20:14CAR ENGINE RECEDES That was Roger!
0:20:16 > 0:20:18PHONE RINGS
0:20:20 > 0:20:22PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Hello. Roger T Pigeon Artistes.
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- Roger!- Will you shut your face? I'm on the phone.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Roger... Eugh. Roger, it's me.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Will you shut your face? I'm with a client.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Hiya, Howie.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Sorry, just dropped by because I needed a wee.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40So your carpet will need cleaning.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Roger... Eugh. Roger, we'll do the awards.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46We will, please don't give it to Big Cook, Little Cook.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Oh, boys, what do you think of me?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I would never have given the Toys, Games and Sweets Awards
0:20:53 > 0:20:54to Big Cook, Little Cook.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Oh, thank goodness.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Roger, we knew we could trust you.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02No, I've sent them to LA, first class, to host the Oscars.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Brilliant.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07But we've got the Toys, Games and Sweets Awards?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I suppose so. You're cutting it a bit fine.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- You had better get over to the studio sharpish.- Fantastic,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'll just have a wash and get changed.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16There's no time for that.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19They start in 20 minutes. You've only got a bit of...
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Well, you're completely covered head-to-toe in poo,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- but we haven't got time. Come on, chop-chop!- OK.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Be professional, man.- Come on.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32And the winner of the crumbliest individual cake slice
0:21:32 > 0:21:35in the Best Puddings category goes to...
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Get off! You stink.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- He's not that bad. - LITTLE HOWARD RETCHES
0:21:39 > 0:21:42I'm in the dress circle, I can smell him from here!
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I think you're putting the audience off, Big Howard.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47(Mr Kipling has been sick nine times.)
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Sorry. Sorry. Ooft. Eugh!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52VOMITING
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, dear, make that ten. Ooh.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55I think I might be next.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LITTLE HOWARD VOMITS
0:21:56 > 0:21:58That does feel better.