0:00:12 > 0:00:14HE SNIFFS
0:00:14 > 0:00:18Oh! Awful!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Big Howard?
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I'm doing my wee-wee dance!
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Just a minute!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33What are you doing in there, sounds like weightlifting?
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Can't we give it five minutes?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Or maybe an hour?- No!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I need to take a trip to widdle town!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Aw, you can be really sweet sometimes.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50And a long-haul flight to pooh land. Express delivery!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Eugh! What is that smell?!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Come on, it's not that bad.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Can't...breathe. Need...air.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00OK, maybe I'll just open the window.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04No! Save yourself.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And...tell Mother I love her.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I must admit, it is a bit pongy.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10HORN BLASTS
0:01:10 > 0:01:15I, Little Howard, have come up with another one of my big questions!
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Is anything in the world smellier than Big Howard?! Eugh!
0:01:20 > 0:01:25I do wish you wouldn't do that.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26HORN BLASTS
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# I love Monkeys, I love monkeys
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# All those happy little Chirpy little monkeys
0:01:34 > 0:01:37# With their tails and their bananas
0:01:37 > 0:01:41# I think that if we all were monkeys We'd have happier mananas
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys
0:01:43 > 0:01:47# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore
0:01:47 > 0:01:49# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys
0:01:49 > 0:01:53# I wouldn't love her anymore Thank you very much! #
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I say, I say, I say, my dog's got no nose.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59How does he smell?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02He can't, I just told you, he's got no nose.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05You can be very unkind sometimes, Big Howard.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Sorry. Sorry.
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Sorry.
0:02:12 > 0:02:17That should hold it. Eugh, not quite!
0:02:17 > 0:02:21That room smells like the inside of a dead zebra.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22How do you know what the inside...?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, that time at the safari park.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That ruined my birthday, that did.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Well, they shouldn't let zebras cross the road on zebra crossings.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Hey, where are you going?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36You should turn yourself in to the authorities, Big Howard.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38That smell must be against international law.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Don't be stupid! The authorities are not going to be interested...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Step away from the dead zebra. Get up against the wall,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46hands on your head, fingers up your nose!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57SHE COUGHS
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, yes, sorry.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I'm Brigadier Tonypandy and this is my assistant, Johnson.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Step out of line and she'll tear you a new nostril. She's a monster.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Hello! Gosh, I do like your house.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15We're from the U.N.I.F, or UNIF, for short.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What does UNIF stand for?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I ask the questions, sonny!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- To be fair, Little Howard asks quite a few...- Silence!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25UNIF stands for United National...
0:03:28 > 0:03:30That is classified information.
0:03:30 > 0:03:36OK, so Big Howard did a poo, and even by his standards it was unusually smelly but...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39They're not here about the smell.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42We are here about the ungodly honk that emanated from your
0:03:42 > 0:03:46little boy's room at quarter past 0800 hours, this morning.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48OK, they are here about the smell.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It wasn't from my room! It was from the toilet!
0:03:50 > 0:03:55You will accompany us to our secret headquarters, or face the consequences.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59But, that's a phone.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04Yes. We're not allowed guns, but we know the numbers of people who are!
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Johnson! Make them comply by whatever means necessary!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Righto.
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Erm, sorry, would you mind awfully just sort of stepping this way, gentlemen?
0:04:15 > 0:04:20Who needs guns when you have a sadistic killing machine like Johnson by your side?!
0:04:20 > 0:04:26- Er... well, at least let us say goodbye to the rabbit.- What rabbit?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28What's wrong with your eye?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Our rabbit, you know, the rabbit in the rabbit RUN.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36Assuming he hasn't RUN AWAY.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41Of course you may go and say goodbye to the rabbit.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44More of a guinea pig man myself.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Erm, sir... - Nothing wrong with showing a little
0:04:50 > 0:04:54compassion sometimes, Johnson, you black-hearted fiend.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Right but, sir, I do think they might be escaping.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- Don't be so...- I'm having a little bit of trouble escaping, Big Howard!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03This fence is a bit high to climb over!
0:05:03 > 0:05:06Hurry up! They'll notice we've run away in a minute!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Just testing you, Johnson. After them!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Johnson, fetch the Whiffilating machine.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20I do think if we just walk up to them, sir...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Just get the Whiffilating machine, Johnson.- Righto, sir.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28What's that?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30A finely-tuned electronic nose.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34This will follow your stinky friend's scent anywhere.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Oh, sir, I really do feel I could have caught them then, actually.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44We have paid for the Whiffilating machine and we shall use it!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51WHIFFILATING MACHINE BEEPS
0:05:51 > 0:05:53What are we going to do?!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Peg it like it's wash day!
0:05:56 > 0:06:00# ..And that's when you need me there
0:06:00 > 0:06:02# With you I'll always share
0:06:02 > 0:06:05# Because when the sun shines We'll shine together
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# Told you I'll be here forever
0:06:08 > 0:06:10# That I'll always be a friend
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# Took an oath I'll stick it out till the end
0:06:13 > 0:06:15# Now that it's raining more than ever
0:06:15 > 0:06:17# Know that we'll still have each other
0:06:17 > 0:06:19# You can stand under my umbrella
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# You can stand under my umbrella
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# You can stand under my umbrella
0:06:27 > 0:06:30# Hey, hey, hey
0:06:30 > 0:06:31# These fancy things
0:06:31 > 0:06:34# Will never come in between
0:06:34 > 0:06:36# You're part of my entity
0:06:36 > 0:06:38# Here for infinity
0:06:38 > 0:06:40# When the war has took its part
0:06:40 > 0:06:43# When the world has dealt its cards
0:06:43 > 0:06:45# If the hand is hard
0:06:45 > 0:06:48# Together we'll mend your heart
0:06:48 > 0:06:51# Because when the sun shines We'll shine together
0:06:51 > 0:06:53# Told you I'll be here forever... #
0:06:56 > 0:06:58We need to stop you smelling!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I know, deodorant!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04You need a bath, not a super-powered ant that eats smells!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06No, deodorant's a product that masks body odour.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Where am I going to get a bath out here, for heaven's sakes?
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- That'll do the trick! - Oh, sorry, dear. Did I splash you?
0:07:28 > 0:07:30We've lost the scent, sir!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34I think your bath worked, there's no sign of them.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Yeah.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Can you... Can you smell...elk?
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Elk? What, like a moose?
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Yeah. Really healthy elk.
0:07:48 > 0:07:54About four years old. Male, definitely a male.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57I've never seen any elk in Purley?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00It's coming from this direction.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Hello! I can see him, he's a real beauty.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15# A moment like this
0:08:15 > 0:08:19# Some people wait a lifetime
0:08:19 > 0:08:22# For a moment like this... #
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Big Howard!
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Big Howard, why would there be an elk in a Purley backstreet?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34He's probably escaped from one of Surrey's elk farms.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I don't like this, Big Howard, it could be a trap.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39I'm going in for a closer sniff.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40ELK GRUNTS
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Woah, boy, woah, boy, easy now.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Just want to give you a sniff.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Agh!
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- Gotcha!- Aarrrrgh!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57Run for your life, Little Howard! Save yourself!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Then save me!
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Never leave your scratch and sniff elk magazines lying around, sonny!
0:09:07 > 0:09:15We need to extract or recreate the smell you made this morning, by whatever means necessary.
0:09:15 > 0:09:22And if I catch you holding in a guff, Johnson will set upon you with her deadly pinkie!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24You people are animals.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- HE BREAKS WIND - Takes one to know... Oh!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31One thing I have been wondering...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Why?
0:09:33 > 0:09:39Well, now that you've signed the Official Secretions Act, I can tell you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43We at UNIF are developing this -
0:09:43 > 0:09:45the Guff-Winding Poopertrator!
0:09:45 > 0:09:51The world's first long-range, super-strength, stink bomb.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Will Big Howard ever escape from the clutches of UNIF?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00What is the smelliest thing in the world? And is it in my wheelie bin?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Because that stinks, it really does.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03And now for a commercial.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Oi!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Pipsqueak bum squirt, give us your 'nanas!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Are you constantly getting the bananas you
0:10:15 > 0:10:18bought for your dancing monkeys stolen by wayward gorillas?
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Then you need little fingers of fury, by studying
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Private Johnson's Pinky Fu.
0:10:23 > 0:10:29With Pinky Fu, all you need is a little finger to bring down any assailant.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Oh...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, there you are! I've been worried sick!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48You don't look very worried.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Can't I read and have a cup of online tea when I'm worried?
0:10:51 > 0:10:56UNIF have taken Big Howard prisoner because they think he's created the worst smell in the world.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- We need to rescue him!- Do we, though?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01He might have finally found something he's good at.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It was very smelly, wasn't it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07It smelled like he'd been eating road-kill!
0:11:07 > 0:11:12Perhaps, like you, UNIF are trying to find out if Big Howard IS the smelliest thing in the world.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15That's it! I'll answer my Big Question!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Finally you're talking sense, leave him there to rot!
0:11:18 > 0:11:19Never liked him anyway.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24No, if I can find something that is smellier than Big Howard
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- and give them that instead, they might let him go!- Oh, yes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Forget what I just said, erm...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Let's do that.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35His pong reading's only 42%, sir.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37He's just not as smelly as he was this morning.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I don't always smell like that!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I must have eaten something that disagreed with my stomach.
0:11:42 > 0:11:48Then what we need to find is something that really disagrees with your stomach!
0:11:48 > 0:11:52When we've finished, it'll be like an episode of Jeremy Kyle in there!
0:11:52 > 0:11:55PHONE RINGS
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Secret Underground UNIF Bunker?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Hello, Big Ears. - That's Brigadier to you...
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Just a minute! How did you get this number? It's top secret!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I just asked Mother to Google "top secret UNIF bunker" for me.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Ah. What do you want?
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I want to know, if I could find something smellier than Big Howard,
0:12:14 > 0:12:15would you let him go?
0:12:15 > 0:12:20- FARTING 'Pardon me.'- Ooh, his bum burped, Sir, and it's an 8.4.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Oh, good heavens!
0:12:24 > 0:12:28OK, boy, if you can find something smellier than him,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and from where I'm standing I doubt that very much,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35then we may be able to come to some arrangement.
0:12:35 > 0:12:42Right! Mother, we need to find something smellier than Big Howard.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43I know just the man!
0:12:47 > 0:12:52Well, I need you to make me the worst pong in the world.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53I need you to fetch me
0:12:53 > 0:12:55some of the nastiest things in the world
0:12:55 > 0:12:58so we can extract those smells.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00OK, give me the list, Dr Pong!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02That's not my name.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05But here's a list, good luck.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Hooray! Half a pound of Stinking Bishop,
0:13:11 > 0:13:15the stinkiest cheese in all of Great Britain!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25The striped polecat avoids predators
0:13:25 > 0:13:30by releasing foul-smelling secretions from... urgh.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32From there.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Right, that'll do. Oh, poo!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Durians are from South East Asia,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47and are so smelly that they are banned from being eaten
0:13:47 > 0:13:50on public transport in Singapore!
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- I'd leave that off the sign if I were you, mate.- Thank you.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Wow!
0:14:05 > 0:14:10The corpse flower, proper name Amorphophallus titanum
0:14:10 > 0:14:17which is ancient Greek for "giant misshapen willy".
0:14:17 > 0:14:22HE LAUGHS
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Why do these things smell so terrible?
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Some of them contain sulphur compounds that will remind you
0:14:30 > 0:14:34of rotting eggs, and some of them contain nitrogen materials that smell like rotting fish.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38But why would anything want to smell like that?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Some things use their smell to scare off attackers,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49like the striped polecat, skunk and bombardier beetle.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Excuse me, have you got any change for the parking meter?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Aaaaargh!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58The corpse plant uses its horrible smell to advertise.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Yummy! All you can eat rotting flesh buffet!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05It smells of rotting meat to attract meat-eating beetles
0:15:05 > 0:15:07and flies so they pollinate it.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10And the musk ox smells as horrible as it does
0:15:10 > 0:15:14because the female actually finds that smell attractive.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Hey, it's eau de toilet,
0:15:16 > 0:15:21wee and armpits by Cristian Oh Dear Oh Dior.
0:15:21 > 0:15:28And here it is, the world's most horrible smells in one vial.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30A vile vial! Brilliant!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Let's have a sniff.- No. Don't have a smell of that yourself.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35That's so powerful it will make you sick.
0:15:35 > 0:15:41- OK then. Thanks very much Professor Stinkmaker!- That's not my name.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46Hello, the Brigadoon? I have the smelliest pong in the world.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51Meet me at the old whoopee cushion factory car park in half-an-hour.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Don't come any closer!
0:16:06 > 0:16:07BIG HOWARD FARTS
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I'd do what he says if I were you.
0:16:09 > 0:16:16I have here the worst smell in the world. I call it "Silent But Deadly".
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Take it and let Big Howard go.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30OK, Johnson...
0:16:30 > 0:16:36Wait a minute! How do I know this is smellier than him?
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Er, well, you'll have to take it away and test it.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41By which time his stinky posterior
0:16:41 > 0:16:44will have fallen into the hands of the enemy!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47No, no! I'm going to test it here.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Johnson!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Fetch the Whiffilating machine.
0:16:52 > 0:16:53It doesn't work, Sir.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- What? - Yes, I looked it up on the internet.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02It turns out that electronic nose technology isn't that advanced yet.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It seems the Whiffilator is just a large prop
0:17:05 > 0:17:08in the shape of a nose that beeps randomly.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13Why do I buy things off online auction sites?!
0:17:13 > 0:17:18- There's only one thing for it! Johnson.- Sir.- Grab the boy!
0:17:18 > 0:17:24Children's noses are more sensitive than adults. We'll test it on him.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25No! You leave him alone!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27He's just a child, Sir!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29An annoying child.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Put your gas mask on!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32No.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39No, I won't let you do it.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Don't make me use it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Not the pinky!
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I'm your commanding officer!
0:17:52 > 0:17:54You've gone too far this time, Sir.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Put the vial on the ground.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00While I was finding out about the Whiffilator, I discovered
0:18:00 > 0:18:03the American Army already did all this research in World War II.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06They developed an artificial smell called 'Who Me'.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11The plan was that French Resistance fighters would spray it at German troops to lower their morale.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14A recent study has shown that "Who Me"
0:18:14 > 0:18:17is officially the whiffiest honk known to man.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18What did it smell of?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Pooh, mainly.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Classic!- Did it work?
0:18:22 > 0:18:27No. It stank, but the sprays weren't very accurate so the people spraying
0:18:27 > 0:18:31ended up honking as badly as the German soldiers.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Smell warfare
0:18:33 > 0:18:34is a stupid idea.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38And I've begun to suspect that UNIF doesn't exist at all, and
0:18:38 > 0:18:43that you've made it up because you like shouting and sniffing things.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46How dare you!
0:18:46 > 0:18:48For Conk And Country!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Run for it, chaps!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55See? It's not too bad.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00It does sort of... sneak up on you.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33You're a woman!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Oh, for goodness sake.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37That's quite a stink you caused, Little Howard.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Little Howard?!- Yeah!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Me and GP Godfrey Guff-Trapper...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43That is not my name.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47We mixed a drop of Stinking Bishop, some smelly fruit,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50a bit of polecat musk, some scrapings of a flower
0:19:50 > 0:19:54that smells of rotting flesh and Bob's your very smelly uncle!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56There's just one thing I'd like to know, Little Howard.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Why are you so interested in smells?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I mean you don't even have a nose.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Well, that's why I am interested, you see.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09# I don't have a nose it kinda blows
0:20:09 > 0:20:13# I think it stinks but can't tell
0:20:13 > 0:20:19# That's why we need a sense of smell
0:20:20 > 0:20:24# I don't have a nose so how do I smell?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28# Not as bad as him, I tell them
0:20:28 > 0:20:32# That's how it goes and it's just as well
0:20:32 > 0:20:35# Admit defeat But don't smell them
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# Smelling can tell a friend from a stranger
0:20:38 > 0:20:42# Can help with the work of a flower arranger
0:20:42 > 0:20:46# Can find you a mate but it can estrange her
0:20:46 > 0:20:50# If you have a nose then what I propose is
0:20:50 > 0:20:54# Don't go and waste it, holy noses!
0:20:54 > 0:20:57# Get in the garden and smell all the roses
0:20:57 > 0:21:01# If they smell of horse pooh then go smell the posies
0:21:01 > 0:21:06# Smell those holy roses now. #
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Go and smell 'em. Give a sniff, go on.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Oh, they smell crackin'.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15# A smell it can warn you of danger
0:21:15 > 0:21:20# It can help with the work of a Power Ranger
0:21:20 > 0:21:22# It can smell a baby But it cannot change her!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24# If you have a nose
0:21:24 > 0:21:27# Then what I propose is
0:21:27 > 0:21:31# Don't go and waste those holy noses
0:21:31 > 0:21:35# Get in the garden and smell all the roses
0:21:35 > 0:21:38# If they smell of horse pooh then douse them with hoses
0:21:38 > 0:21:44# Use those holy noses now! #
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:21:46 > 0:21:49E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:21:53 > 0:21:55BIG HOWARD FARTS
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