0:00:07 > 0:00:10Welcome to North-EastEnders,
0:00:10 > 0:00:14the brand-new, completely original, gritty soap opera,
0:00:14 > 0:00:16different from any drama that's ever been done.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- It sounds a bit like EastEnd...- No.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22No, this is set in north-east London. Nothing like it.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Anyway, you will be auditioning
0:00:24 > 0:00:27for the part of Little Jimmy Mitcham,
0:00:27 > 0:00:31the latest, long-lost son of this man,
0:00:31 > 0:00:34the arch-villain, Bill Mitcham.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Ahhhh! I can feel another one coming on.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42They used to call it a raging fury. You know what I'm talking about.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44You listen to me! I'm telling ya...
0:00:44 > 0:00:46He was going to come today,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49but we've asked him not to, he's terrifying. Anyway...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51ready whenever you are, darling.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Come on bruv, this is doin' my 'ead in!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I swear I done nuffing to Billy's gerbil.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00We're fa-a-amily, in't we?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Yes, that was very good.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06But we do have one teensy-weensy little problem-ette.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Should I mumble and wheeze a bit more?
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Come on, yer doin' my 'ead in!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16No, that's excellent! It's just that, we were looking for a more...
0:01:16 > 0:01:20normal-looking little boy for the role of Little Jimmy Mitcham.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22What do you mean, "normal"?
0:01:22 > 0:01:27- Well, darling, you are a cartoon, aren't you?- Maybe a bit.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28- Leave it out!- >
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Hello there.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39You look far too...old to be auditioning for this part.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43My son is auditioning, actually.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I don't approve.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Acting is not a proper job for a child.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56You look very pretty when you... scowl...
0:01:56 > 0:01:57with...loathing.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02But I'm a perfectly normal-looking cartoon.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07I'm not a talking sponge or a skunk who does martial arts!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11I know, but we feel that the role would be better suited
0:02:11 > 0:02:16to a normal, human boy. After all, you'll play Bill Mitcham's son,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19and he is not a cartoon.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22He might have married someone off The Simpsons! And by the way,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26we prefer to be referred to be called "differently animated".
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I'm sorry, Little Howard.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31I hope one day there will be a little cartoon boy
0:02:31 > 0:02:36in Alan Bert Square, but the world just isn't ready yet. Next!
0:02:36 > 0:02:40It's not fair! Just because I'm a cartoon,
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I'll never be taken seriously as an actor!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Look on the bright side - at least we get a free BBC...
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- SMASH! - ..lunch.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Good thing you didn't get the part - you wouldn't want to eat here every.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55LOUD TRUMPETING
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Grrrr!
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I, Little Howard, have come with another of my fun questions!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Am I normal?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You're going to wish you hadn't done that, mate.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11He's right! I do wish you wouldn't do that!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Where is he? Right!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25# I love monkeys, I love monkeys
0:03:25 > 0:03:28# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys
0:03:28 > 0:03:32# With their tails and their bananas
0:03:32 > 0:03:35# I think if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas
0:03:35 > 0:03:37# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys
0:03:37 > 0:03:41# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys
0:03:43 > 0:03:47# I wouldn't love her any more. #
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Thank you very much!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Even the monkeys are normal compared to me.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55They're all exactly the same.
0:03:55 > 0:04:00I'm not that normal, my bottom is completely bald.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05Sometimes I dress up as a macaque and parade around singing songs.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07And I worship bees!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10BUZZING
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Normal people don't spend their afternoons helping their friends
0:04:35 > 0:04:39get away from soap stars who have jam rolypoly on their heads.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43How was you shouting, "He's over there, Mr Mitcham," helping me?
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Ooh!- Hey!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Who was that?- No-one.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And his beautiful mother.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59HE SNIFFS
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Eurgh! Eurgh!
0:05:04 > 0:05:12- You haven't fallen in love again, have you?- Me? No, no. No, no, no.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17- Ooh, I might just pop in here and buy some more hunky clothes.- Hunky?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Honky, I mean. Less honky clothes.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25What's good for the moose is good for the panda! I want new clothes.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30- What's wrong with your lovely tank-top?- I want to be normal,
0:05:30 > 0:05:35and wearing the same tank-top for three series is not normal.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57How are they looking in there?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00These clothes were definitely for MY age group, were they?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Yes, why do you ask?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I want to see the manager.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- You better not be laughing.- No!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I would like to storm out now,
0:06:15 > 0:06:19with as much dignity as possible. Please help me get this off.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Ow! My arm!
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Oh...
0:06:42 > 0:06:47That proves categorically that I am not normal.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Why's my head so big?!
0:06:49 > 0:06:54I had a really big head when I was your age, but I grew into mine.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Trust me, you didn't.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59And what about my hands, how many fingers am I holding up?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01It's perfectly normal for cartoon boys
0:07:01 > 0:07:05- to have three fingers. - I'm only holding up TWO fingers,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08but my hands are so badly drawn you can't tell!
0:07:08 > 0:07:11See? Even for a cartoon boy I'm a freak!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- DOORBELL RINGS - Oh! Someone at the door.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I never stood a chance of being normal, did I?
0:07:18 > 0:07:24- Oh, I wouldn't say that. - Says the talking computer.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Penelope!- You called me.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Eight times?- Yes.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35I thought maybe we could catch a movie, grab a coffee, get married?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37I don't think so.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40You seem a bit...odd.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Odd? Odd in what way?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Odd, like my first husband. He grew a moustache.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54You think growing a moustache is odd?
0:07:54 > 0:07:59Men who grow moustaches obviously have something to hide.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Their upper lip?
0:08:03 > 0:08:08He grew a moustache, so I divorced him and moved to Surbiton.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Mother, what colour are my eyes?
0:08:15 > 0:08:22Erm, well, they're a very piercing, soulful shade of, er, black.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It's the most normal thing in the world to worry about how you look.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27It's not just the way I look.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31I mean, listen to my voice. It's deeper than Big Howard's!
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Erm. Oh, look over there! A wall.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37I've never noticed that before.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42As for my third husband, he blinked far too much.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Blinking? You don't like blinking?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50I don't mind it the normal amount.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Once or twice a day, but he blinked all the time!
0:08:54 > 0:08:59So I divorced him and moved to Guildford.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04Too right. I hate blinking too.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Now, are we going to stand in the hallway all day?
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Or are you going to make me a cup of tea,
0:09:11 > 0:09:16with the normal amount of 0.55 sugars - the national average?
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Oh...
0:09:21 > 0:09:25And another thing, why don't I go to school?
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Oh, thank goodness!
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Listen, guys, I've got a hot date with a lady who's a little bit...
0:09:31 > 0:09:34particular about who she goes out with.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36She can't be that particular.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39So I've got to appear normal, so would you two mind...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41pretending not to exist?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44# I gotta feeling, woo-hoo...
0:09:44 > 0:09:46# That tonight's gonna be a... #
0:09:46 > 0:09:48I really don't need this just now.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52# ..That tonight's gonna be a good night
0:09:52 > 0:09:56# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night
0:09:56 > 0:09:59# I gotta feeling, woo-hoo
0:09:59 > 0:10:04# That tonight's gonna be a good night... #
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Come in, Penelope.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14My last husband had a sofa like that.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17He wanted to re-train as a dentist,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20so I divorced him and moved to Cheam.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23What do you do for a living?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Me? I do a completely normal job.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Because I'm completely normal. Nothing odd about me at all.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I can't listen to any more of this! I'm going!
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- What was that? - Um, that was the house ghost,
0:10:36 > 0:10:41who I don't believe in at all, because I'm completely normal.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Hey! How's me favourite cartoon boy!?- Thanks, Roger I needed...
0:10:48 > 0:10:50And why's he such a great big freak
0:10:50 > 0:10:55he can't even get a job on North-EastEnders?
0:10:55 > 0:11:01- Oh. I thought you might cheer me up, Roger.- Oh, sorry, have we not met?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05North EastEnders don't want me and Big Howard is ashamed of me.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Well, of course he is! Look at your massive head
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- and your weirdy little fingers! - Shut up!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14What did I say?! Oh, he's right touchy, that one.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- It's not as if YOU'RE normal! - Me? Course I'm normal, lad.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21Salt of the earth, me, backbone of England.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23You don't even look like a pigeon!
0:11:23 > 0:11:27You're just a pointy, white lump with wings.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31And pants. Normal pigeons just scratch about and poo on cars.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36You talk and use a phone and drive and run a theatrical agency,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- and scratch about and poo on cars. - Yeah!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And both me eyes are on one side of me head!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I look like a flatfish with wings!
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- How can we make ourselves normal? - I dunno.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Maybe there's some sort of surgical operation.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Is there? Thanks weirdy-beak!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Oh 'eck, I'm not normal either!
0:11:58 > 0:12:02And there's Big Howard when he did his first poo in a potty!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05- 18 years old.- Howard.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09His name's Big Howard, poppet.
0:12:09 > 0:12:15Your computer appears to be talking, and showing me baby photos.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I'm not a computer, I'm his mother, aren't I, Big Howard?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Mother!- Right! I'm going.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27- You are not normal! - But I am normal!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I've written a song about how normal I am,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33and I know some dancing monkeys who could...
0:12:35 > 0:12:40- She's right, you are a bit weird. - Oh, kick a man when he's down!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43I can't reach. I mean, look at these pictures!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46You were six foot three at the age of five,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50so you drew your own best friend as a smaller version of you!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53If that's not weird, I don't know what is.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Well, that's the pot who shouldn't be able to speak
0:12:55 > 0:13:00calling the kettle who shouldn't be able to speak either, black.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I've seen normal computers, and you are not one of them!
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Well, of course I'm not a normal computer!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I'm a normal, middle-aged mother of two.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Well, why have you got a massive square face
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- that can access the internet, then? - Ooh! You brute!
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Big Howard is ashamed of me being a cartoon
0:13:20 > 0:13:25and Roger would rather I was real, so there's only one thing for it.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31DOORBELL RINGS
0:13:32 > 0:13:34PHONE RINGS
0:13:34 > 0:13:39- Hello?- I just thought I'd let you know that I've sold the office
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and moved into a ventilation block
0:13:41 > 0:13:44in the gent's loos on the southbound platform at the station.
0:13:44 > 0:13:50I am going back to my roots and can no longer be your agent.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Oh, well, at least that's something. Thanks, bye!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57- Oh, erm, why? - Because I'm a pigeon.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01I'm surprised you haven't noticed. Little Howard came to see me,
0:14:01 > 0:14:05he wanted to do something about being such an abnormal little freak.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Do what about being...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh, hello there. Who are you?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15Big Howard, isn't it brilliant? I'm Little Howard!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Uh...
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Li... Little Howard, you're...
0:14:26 > 0:14:30you're a...real, normal boy!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Mother, Little Howard's a...
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Mother?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42This is great! Mother's a normal computer,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46Roger's a normal pigeon, and you're a normal boy!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Now I can prove I'm the most normal, uninteresting man in all of Purley,
0:14:50 > 0:14:55and win the hand, and maybe some other parts, of the woman I love!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Let's get out there and do a montage about how normal we are
0:14:59 > 0:15:01to some up-beat, contemporary music!
0:15:01 > 0:15:07# ..me and we'll always
0:15:07 > 0:15:08# Be together
0:15:08 > 0:15:13# You and me always
0:15:13 > 0:15:14# And forever
0:15:14 > 0:15:20# Ba ba-ba ba-ba
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# It was always you... #
0:15:22 > 0:15:24SONG GRADUALLY SLOWS DOWN
0:15:24 > 0:15:27SWING SQUEAKS
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Coo, coo!
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Please yourselves. Er, sorry, I mean, "coo".
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- # I don't care what you say - Hey, hey!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45# I'll do it my way
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- # Don't care what you think - Hey, hey!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Cos I'm a real... #
0:15:50 > 0:15:54HE SCREAMS AND HUFFS
0:15:59 > 0:16:01HE WHIMPERS
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Those two were much funnier the last time they came in.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Mother?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Mother, stop pretending to be a normal computer
0:16:17 > 0:16:19and give me some advice.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You can do it in as irritating a way as you like!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29DIALLING TONE
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- Hello, Roger?- Coo. Coo?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Little Howard's somehow magically turned into a real boy.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37To start off with, I thought it was brilliant.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40But he's just not as funny as he used to be
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and he only wants to play football with other normal kids
0:16:43 > 0:16:45and not with me, for ages.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47And when he threw a marrow at my head
0:16:47 > 0:16:49it really hurt for some reason.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Coo, scratch, squawk.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- Hang on! Normal pigeons can't use phones.- Ow!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Everyone being normal might have its downsides,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04but I know for sure it's got one
0:17:04 > 0:17:08lovely, beguiling and staggeringly beautiful upside...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10called Penelope.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15MUSIC: "The Look Of Love"
0:17:15 > 0:17:19So...you've got rid of the sentient computer and the ghost?
0:17:19 > 0:17:23- And the talking pigeon. - The what?- Um...nothing.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26At last, I've met a man
0:17:26 > 0:17:29who's prepared to make himself a clean slate for me.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- And what are we going to write on that slate?- Nothing.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37I want you to stay completely blank.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41My son, Joshua, needs a normal, sensible father figure,
0:17:41 > 0:17:46not like the blinking moustachioed loons he's got at the moment.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49Wanting to be an actor... Oh, of all the things!
0:17:49 > 0:17:51SHE CHUCKLES
0:17:51 > 0:17:54I can't wait for you to meet Little...
0:17:55 > 0:17:57..Howard Junior.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Ah, Howard Junior!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I'd like you to meet my new girlfriend, Penelope.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Mum?!- Wow! He's accepted you into the family quicker than I thought.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Huh? Argh!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12PUNCHING
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Ow! Honestly, she's very nice once you get to know her!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Oh. Ow! Oh...
0:18:17 > 0:18:21Mum! What are you doing with this big freak?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Ow! Argh!
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Joshua! Stop kicking him!
0:18:27 > 0:18:32The normal way of beating someone up is to wallop them with your handbag.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Ow! Ow, ow. Argh!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38'Ere! Are you kicking my client?
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I'm entitled to 15% of that.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44What? Ow! Ow. Argh! Ow!
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Oi! You leave Big Howard alone!
0:18:50 > 0:18:53What in blue blazes are you meant to be?
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Little Howard!
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I didn't really turn into a normal boy, Big Howard.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02I just got one of the kids I met at the audition to pretend to be me,
0:19:02 > 0:19:07so I could see what difference being normal would make to my life.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Have you been acting again?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Did you have to choose the son of my new ex-girlfriend?- No.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26That was just a hilarious bonus coincidence.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I realised that worrying about not being normal
0:19:29 > 0:19:31is the most normal thing in the world.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34And I wrote a hot philosophical disco number about it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Kick it!
0:19:36 > 0:19:38DISCO MUSIC STARTS
0:19:38 > 0:19:41# Am I normal?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45# Is anybody else like me at all?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49# Am I singing this to sympathy or just to a brick wall?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53# It would be nice to think that there was someone I could call
0:19:54 > 0:19:57# Am I a freak?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01# There's not a lot of pigeons that can speak
0:20:01 > 0:20:04# Is what I am a name we dare not speak?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07# I need a friend to talk to, beak to beak. #
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Stop spontaneously singing this instant!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14# Everyone is different
0:20:14 > 0:20:17# That's what makes us the same
0:20:19 > 0:20:22# If we were identical
0:20:22 > 0:20:26# It would be a shame
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# Am I alone?
0:20:28 > 0:20:31# It would be nice to think I was not on my own
0:20:31 > 0:20:36# Or is my deviation something that the world could not condone?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# It would be nice to think there's someone like me I could phone
0:20:42 > 0:20:43# Am I odd?
0:20:43 > 0:20:48# I'm a woman born in a computer's bod
0:20:48 > 0:20:51# Part of my brain is made from an iPod
0:20:51 > 0:20:55# Although other MP3 players are as good. #
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Joshua! Come with me this instant!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01For someone so normal, she's a bit weird, isn't she?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I'm so glad to have you back - to normal!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09I realised that being a cartoon is what makes me, me.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11That's why I'm so interested in the world -
0:21:11 > 0:21:14because I'm so different from it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17# Everyone thinks they're different
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# That's what makes us the same
0:21:21 > 0:21:26# If we were identical
0:21:26 > 0:21:28ALL: # It would be a shame
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# Yes, I'm normal
0:21:31 > 0:21:34# We are all the same because we're freaks
0:21:34 > 0:21:39# Some of us have mouths and some have beaks
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# Some of us have speakers Some have cheeks
0:21:44 > 0:21:47ALL: # Yes, we're normal
0:21:47 > 0:21:51# It's OK to be a little strange
0:21:51 > 0:21:55# Nobody should make you have to change
0:21:55 > 0:22:00# Have I mentioned that I might have mange? #
0:22:00 > 0:22:01What?