0:00:02 > 0:00:06Ah, there's nothing like a good old bike ride.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10Wind in your hair, oil up your trouser leg,
0:00:10 > 0:00:12wasps flying into your mouth.
0:00:12 > 0:00:16- Where are we going? - Anywhere you like.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- Mars!- Your trike would burn up on entering Mars's atmosphere.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23I never get to choose where we go.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28So far, you've suggested Mars, the age of the dinosaurs and Narnia.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Why don't we cycle to that bin and back?
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- Why do I have to do what you say? - Sorry. It's cos I say so.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41- Right!- Heaven knows what the world would be like with you in charge.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43KLAXON HONKS
0:00:43 > 0:00:48I, Little Howard, have come up with another of my BIG questions.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Why can't I be in charge?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Ooh!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Ya-a-a-a-a-a!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01- CRASH - Ooh!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Ow!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08I do wish you wouldn't do that. Ow.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10KLAXON HONKS
0:01:10 > 0:01:13# I love monkeys I love monkey
0:01:13 > 0:01:17# All those happy little chirpy little monkeys
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# With their tails and their bananas
0:01:20 > 0:01:24# I think that if we all were monkeys we'd have happier mananas
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys
0:01:26 > 0:01:30# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# If my love decides she did not love the monkeys
0:01:32 > 0:01:37# I wouldn't love her any more. # Thank you very much!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- Well, the monkeys know who's boss. - You're the boss, Little Howard.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47When are you going to pay us?
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- MONKEYS CRY OUT - Oh. Help me, Howard.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Owww!
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Clumsy! At least you were wearing a helmet.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04The helmet doesn't protect me from soiled nappies!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Get me out of here!
0:02:08 > 0:02:13- Thanks(!)- Now, that wouldn't have happened if I was in charge.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17It happened because you set off your klaxon.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20But if you'd let me be in charge ages ago,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I wouldn't have had to set off my klaxon.
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Being in charge is very hard work. You're too young and irresponsible.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- Frankly, you're too immature. - I'm not.
0:02:31 > 0:02:36- Are, too.- Not, not, not. - Are-are-are...- Not-not-not...
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Not-not-not-not-not... - Are-are-are-are...
0:02:40 > 0:02:45- Are times 50.- Not times 50 plus one! - Are times 50 plus another one.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49You can't be in charge of anything until you're an adult.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52- Roger our manager's an adult. - An adult pigeon.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56He can be in charge of, say, all of Purley?
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- Well, yes... In theory.- Then we should vote for him to be our MP.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- Yes, we sh... What? - 'Don't be party poopers!
0:03:05 > 0:03:09'Put pigeon power in Parliament. Vote for Roger T Pigeon.
0:03:09 > 0:03:15'I promise to tell you what you want to hear, until elected...'
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- This cannot happen.- Why not?
0:03:17 > 0:03:22He can't be in charge of the country. He's a rotten stinker.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24This has to be stopped.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27What about my big question? Come back!
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Being a six-year-old cartoon boy is rubbish. Why can't I be in charge?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- Morning, Mother. - Lovely day for a cycle ride, dear.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Isn't it just? Wait a minute.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Mother?
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Is it normal for computers to ride bikes?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Of course not. It's impossible. You're forgetting,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56I'm not a computer. I'm your mother.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- Big Howard says you're a computer. - Who died and put him in charge?
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- Telling respectable women they're computers. It's not right.- Yeah!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09He says I can't be in charge cos I'm too young.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Poppycock! You're not too young, Little Howard.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16The Egyptian King Tutankhamen was only nine
0:04:16 > 0:04:21when he was Pharaoh of the Egyptian empire over 3,000 years ago.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25That's fair enough. Nine-year-olds can stay up later.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Mary Queen of Scots was six DAYS old
0:04:28 > 0:04:31when she became Queen of Scotland in 1542.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35They do say girls mature quicker than boys.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38They needed grown-up advisors, a loyal army
0:04:38 > 0:04:41and people to change Mary's nappies
0:04:41 > 0:04:45So, we need an army who can change nappies.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52- Could you pin some pigeon spikes to Big Ben...?- Hello, Big Howard.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Allow me to introduce your new babysitter, Crowbar Eddie.
0:04:56 > 0:05:02I'm a bit busy, Little Howard. I've got to stop Roger getting elected...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and sort out my...tax return.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- What did you say?- 'Ello, Big Howard.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm going to look after you.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I have worked it out.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Grown-ups are in charge because they're bigger than kids.
0:05:18 > 0:05:23I needed someone bigger than you! Now, we can swap places.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27That is not the reason. We're not going to swap places.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32- And I don't need a babysitter. - I am...fully accredited.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I can't leave you alone. You might hurt yourself.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40- I'm likely to get hurt with him! - Shut it, squirt!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Should I chuck him on the naughty step, Little Howard?- Help!
0:05:44 > 0:05:48- Who's in charge?- Little Howard's in charge, Mr Crowbar.
0:05:48 > 0:05:53- We're going to spend the day at the playground.- Ah.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57There's been a misunderstanding. I've a lot to do...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Play nice now, Big Howard.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- They do grow up quick, don't they? - Argh!
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Now I'M in charge, what have I got to do?
0:06:13 > 0:06:17# Not to put too fine a point on it
0:06:17 > 0:06:20# Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
0:06:20 > 0:06:23# Make a little birdhouse in your soul... #
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Bleugh!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Eugh!
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Aargh!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Wa-hay!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36In your face, root vegetables!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Aargh!
0:06:40 > 0:06:45What's that thing they say about five a day? Oh, yes.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Five doughnuts a day.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52That's not going to be enough. Being a child is hungry work.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
0:06:55 > 0:06:57# Who watches over you
0:06:57 > 0:06:59# Make a little birdhouse in your soul
0:06:59 > 0:07:04# Not to put too fine a point on it Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
0:07:04 > 0:07:08# Make a little birdhouse in your soul... #
0:07:09 > 0:07:11"See to blocked drains."
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That should block them up!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18This is a doddle!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Hello? Big Howard's accountant?
0:07:31 > 0:07:35A lot of money is being frittered away
0:07:35 > 0:07:39on things called "tax" and "mortgages",
0:07:39 > 0:07:41which I assume must be fruit.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Can we stop paying for those? Thank you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- Where's Big Howard?- He's in bed. - Doughnut kebab?- Lovely.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55He was getting tired and irritable, wouldn't stop crying.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- Till I shouted, "Stop crying!" - Ah. Well done.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02DOOR BELL
0:08:02 > 0:08:04It's all right, Crowbar.
0:08:04 > 0:08:09It's not the police or the babysitting inspector. It's Roger.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Suppose I'll go and sit on the big little'un's bed,
0:08:12 > 0:08:17staring at him, make sure he doesn't choke.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- You think he might choke? - He might now that I've gagged him.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Can I trust Big Howard to vote for me
0:08:25 > 0:08:28or do I have to blackmail him as well?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32That's awkward.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35I'm running a campaign to stop you getting elected.
0:08:35 > 0:08:40Big Howard started it. Now I'm in charge, I'm running it.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- Why?- Big Howard said something about you being nasty,
0:08:44 > 0:08:49greedy, mean, evil, selfish and hateful.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52- And a thief and a liar and... - Yes, all right.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- So, you're in charge now, you say? - Oh, yes!
0:08:56 > 0:09:01I've finished everything on Big Howard's list of things to do.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Doesn't sound like you're in charge. - What?
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- You're doing everything Big Howard would have done.- I AM in charge.
0:09:09 > 0:09:16What if you did exactly the opposite of what Big Howard wanted?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19That would show the big flappy-handed twonk
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- that you can fend for yourself. - Yeah!
0:09:23 > 0:09:27I'll prove that no-one can tell me what to do by doing what you say!
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I'll help you get elected.
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Right. You do all the donkey work while I peck babies.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41You can start by rubbing all those "don't"s off!
0:09:41 > 0:09:46- I was thinking I could vote for you. - You can't vote. You're a kid.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51- Children can't vote? Why not? - Cos you're all stupid.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- You what? - I mean... Um... The system.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57The system thinks kids are stupid.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Stupid system! - Then I can't help you get elected.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Because I need to get the law changed.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Well, you can do both, because, um...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11in a policy I have just made up,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I promise to give kids a vote.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- If you help me become a Member of Parliament.- You're on.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Cock-a-doodle-do!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Aaa.... Agh!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Did Big Howard want a glassy-wass of milky-wilk?
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- Um... Oh. It wasn't a dream. - Do what, son?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Um... I mean I had a terrible dream
0:10:40 > 0:10:45that I didn't have a six-foot Cockney babysitter
0:10:45 > 0:10:48tucking me in so tight I can't move.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Shut your face!
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Need any help putting your pants on?
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Big wussy. Little Howard says he's gone to march on Parliament
0:10:59 > 0:11:05- to get the law changed so he can vote for that pigeon bloke.- What?
0:11:06 > 0:11:09So I thought you and me could go to the park
0:11:09 > 0:11:13and go round and round
0:11:13 > 0:11:17the boating lake on a pedalo.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- A lake?- For ages.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23On a pedalo?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26For ages.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28You're sitting on my hand.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49What do we want?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54- Money! I mean, votes for children. - When do we want them?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Pronto! Or the cashier gets it.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- What are you protesting about? - Universal child suffrage.
0:12:01 > 0:12:07- No, we're not. That sounds horrible. - No. It means votes for children.
0:12:07 > 0:12:12- Oh, yes. Who are you? - My name's Tatton.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16I work for Parliament Education Service. Would you like to come in?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Have you got any biscuits? - I'll see what I can do.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25Right, back to campaigning. Um... Vote for me!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29I will make YOU less ugly, clear the deficit
0:12:29 > 0:12:36and ban people throwing shoes at you just because you poo on their head.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40So...you're telling me
0:12:40 > 0:12:44that people can't vote or stand as MP
0:12:44 > 0:12:49- until they're 18? - Yup. I'm afraid so.- Why?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Voting's a huge responsibility.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57You need a bit more experience to help you make the decision.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01I'll have to make do with being in charge at home.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04What do you mean "in charge at home"?
0:13:04 > 0:13:09Big Howard hangs around the park and leaves me to look after the tax
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- and the shopping. - I'm going to make a phone call.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15OK!
0:13:15 > 0:13:21Purley police station - no crimes too small, some crimes too big.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Child neglect? Constable! Get the helicopter!
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Look at them ducks. - Yeah. Lovely. Seen the ducks.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I love ducks, me.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42- Look at the ducks.- We've seen most of the...- Look at the ducks!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Come in, number 46.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- You are under arrest.- The rozzers!
0:13:47 > 0:13:52- You'll never take me alive! - I'm being rescued! Here I am!
0:13:52 > 0:13:56Big Howard Oliver Drinkwater Read...
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- we have you surrounded. - You want HIM?
0:13:59 > 0:14:04We have a speed boat and two helicopters, all out of shot.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- So peddle to the shore with your hands up.- He's over here!
0:14:09 > 0:14:13What have you been doing, you naughty boy?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16POLICE SIREN
0:14:16 > 0:14:20PHONE RINGS
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- Little Howard!- You?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Clear the line. I'm expecting a call from a plumber.
0:14:25 > 0:14:31- I don't know why you wanted me to block the drains.- Unblock the...
0:14:31 > 0:14:36- What have you been doing? I've been arrested.- Arrested? What did you do?
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Let's see. Child exploitation and neglect,
0:14:40 > 0:14:44tax evasion and going over the agreed period in a pedalo!
0:14:44 > 0:14:48That is it! You are grounded, young man.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Oh! That's SO unfair! I didn't do any of it!
0:14:52 > 0:14:58Since you are in charge now, get me a barrister. I'm in court tomorrow!
0:14:58 > 0:15:03I don't see how one of those will help you get out of jail.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Just get me a barrister!
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Oh. He's hung up.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Haha! With Big Howard banged up in slam, Chalky,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19nothing can stop me getting elected to Parliament.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Apart from the fact that all the voters hate me.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25I wonder what we can do about that.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39I can't believe that Big Howard's in prison.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Hahahaha! Sorry.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- I blame myself, of course. - Good. Cos it was your fault.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- What?- You stitched him up like a bloke I know called Kipper.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- How?- You stopped him looking after you and paying tax.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59- That's what got him banged-up. - Is it? Oh, dear.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01And I don't think you ARE in charge.
0:16:01 > 0:16:08- What?- You're doing everything that Roger tells you to do.- Oh, my...!
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You're right!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I got Big Howard into this mess, I shall get him out.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18After all, I AM in charge.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20But how?
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Big Howard wanted me to get him something to help him.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- MOTHER: A barrister?- No. - Are you sure?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- They represent people in court.- No.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I know what it was.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40All rise for the Right Honourable Judge Yumyum.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Look a bit like that bloke off... All rise!
0:16:44 > 0:16:49Big Howard, you're accused of five, at least, very serious crimes,
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and one fairly trivial one.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57Let's whip through cos I've got netball at three.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Where's your barrister? - Don't get your wig in a twist.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Here is Big Howard's banister.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07I have slid down it several times.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08Ay carumpole!
0:17:08 > 0:17:14- And who are you?- Don't pretend you don't watch CBBC, m'lud.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Are you representing the defence?
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Yes. I've seen this on EastEnders.
0:17:22 > 0:17:29A-herm. Your Honour, it is not Big Howard who is on trial today.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I...I have tried that but, apparently, it is.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38Well, yes, it is. I mean, the whole system of... Um...
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Oh, monkeys! OK, look, it was all my fault.
0:17:43 > 0:17:50I wanted to be in charge, I wanted to vote and see how many doughnuts I could fit in my mouth.
0:17:50 > 0:17:56In doing that I may, possibly, have made a few mistakes that MIGHT
0:17:56 > 0:18:01have got Big Howard in trouble. Including this one.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06You can't lock up Big Howard, Your Horologist. He looks after me.
0:18:06 > 0:18:11In a funny sort of way, I kind of need him.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Um...thanks.
0:18:14 > 0:18:20There's clearly been a misunderstanding. Have you learnt your lesson?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Yes, I have, Uran... Uranus.
0:18:23 > 0:18:28- It's best to leave the boring stuff to Big Howard.- No!
0:18:28 > 0:18:31You should do what you're told sometimes!
0:18:32 > 0:18:38- All the time.- By God! He's got it! Lesson learnt, case dismissed.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Thank you, sir. You won't regret this.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44I'll be a model citizen.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48There's no need to make a song and dance about it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I beg your pardon?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I said, don't make a song and dance about it.
0:18:54 > 0:19:00I expressly forbid you to make a song and dance about it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Right.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06MUSIC STARTS
0:19:06 > 0:19:11# You're not the boss of me You couldn't possibly be
0:19:11 > 0:19:15# Just cos you're larger You think you're in charge... #
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I forbad you to make a song and dance out of it.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22# Yes, you're the boss of him Please don't be cross with him, sir
0:19:22 > 0:19:28# He'll say you're the daddy Or granddaddy, if you prefer
0:19:28 > 0:19:32# You're not the king of this castle You don't have the rule of the roost
0:19:32 > 0:19:35# If you think that I'll do what you ask you'll
0:19:35 > 0:19:37# Find that you're quickly refused
0:19:37 > 0:19:41# Cos you're not the boss of me You couldn't possibly be
0:19:41 > 0:19:45# Just cos you're bigger And you wear that wig, you will see
0:19:45 > 0:19:51# If you say "jump" I will say no You're not the silverback here
0:19:51 > 0:19:56# You're not the Alfa Romeo You are not my puppeteer... #
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Right. Contempt of court.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05# Please just ignore him He's simply exploring a theme
0:20:05 > 0:20:10# Contempt in your courtroom Is something that he would not dream
0:20:10 > 0:20:12# If you say "jump" he'll say "how high?"
0:20:12 > 0:20:15# If you say "move" he will dance
0:20:15 > 0:20:20# If you say "Don't sing or dance" He will have to know in advance
0:20:20 > 0:20:25# No, you're not the boss of me You couldn't possibly be
0:20:25 > 0:20:31# Just cos you're larger, you think you're in charge, ah, you'll see
0:20:31 > 0:20:35# You're not the great enchilada You're not so big
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- # You're a bloke in a wig. # - Right.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43Please add malicious singing to the rap sheet. Are we finished?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Yes, thanks. Oh, Your Holiness, while you're here.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Could I have a word with you?
0:20:50 > 0:20:55I have some information that may interest you.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01'And so, Roger T Pigeon of the Pigeon Party
0:21:01 > 0:21:07'has somehow won the Purley East by-election.'
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Brilliant! I won! Ha-ha!
0:21:10 > 0:21:15I am in charge, you bunch of flightless suckers!
0:21:18 > 0:21:22Unfortunately, Mr T Pigeon is disqualified
0:21:22 > 0:21:26for illegally trying to claim back the cost of a duck house.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I was going to evict the ducks and move in myself!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33And one of your more outspoken opponents
0:21:33 > 0:21:38was forcibly pedalled into a lake by a known criminal
0:21:38 > 0:21:42and babysitter, who was employed by your campaign manager
0:21:42 > 0:21:47who, I might add, is six years old.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51I'm trying to tackle youth unemployment in the under-10s.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55Also, the fact that you got 78,000 votes.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I am popular - so sue me! I will.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02There are only 21,000 people in the constituency.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Ah. Right, let's play netball!
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Wow! What a day!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Good night, Little Howard. - Night night, Big Howard.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Good night, Crowbar Eddie!- What?
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Good night, boys. - Aarrgghh!