0:00:08 > 0:00:10Is that art?
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Yes, that's a watercolour by Manet.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16But that's not the colour of water, water's see-through.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18His parents didn't have much imagination.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20What are the rest of his family called?
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Man A, Man B, Sister C, Dog F?
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Edouard Manet was a pivotal artist in the transition
0:00:27 > 0:00:30from Realism to Impressionism.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Give me Spongebob any day.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Cartoons are not art!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39- You what?!- Shush! Neither of us want
0:00:39 > 0:00:43to be night watchmen at an art gallery, but we need these...jobs.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Goodnight, George.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Is this art?
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Of course it is!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00This is la piece de... resister!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04It's the brand-new exhibition of the controversial and mysterious
0:01:04 > 0:01:07modern artist, Pithy Nomdeploom!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- Who's he? - Shush.- Good question!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- I mean, good question.- Nobody knows. The true identity
0:01:12 > 0:01:15of Pithy Nomdeploom remains a closely guarded secret,
0:01:15 > 0:01:21- but it will finally be revealed in this gallery tomorrow morning.- Wow!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Someone I've never heard of and don't care about
0:01:23 > 0:01:26with a false name I've never heard of and don't care about,
0:01:26 > 0:01:30telling everyone a real name I've never heard of and don't care about!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31I can hardly wait(!)
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Now, because of this announcement tomorrow morning,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37security tonight is extra important.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41You two will be guarding the whole gallery overnight.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46But we also have this staggeringly hi-tech CCTV system,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48so if you so much as pick your nose and wipe it
0:01:48 > 0:01:52on an abstract, I'll know about it.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58- Is this art?!- It's all art!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02You know, I'm surprised Little Howard wants a night watchman's job,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05what with being a big TV star.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Well, I'm a big TV star, too.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11- No, you're not.- Is that art?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Yes!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Oh, no, that's the bin, actually.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Anyway, Little Howard is even famous enough
0:02:19 > 0:02:23to have been honoured by the great Pithy Nomdeploom himself!
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Am I?!- Is he?!
0:02:25 > 0:02:30Oh, yes, we expect Little Howard's Face Recurring to sell for
0:02:30 > 0:02:32half a million pounds.
0:02:34 > 0:02:39Now, I'm off to see a Manet about a Degas.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Don't worry, sir. They're in safe hands!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46I mean, we've only got to look after them overnight.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51There's no way on earth they could get damaged in that time.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54AIRHORN BLOWS
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I, Little Howard,
0:02:55 > 0:03:00have come up with another of my big questions! Am I art?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Oi! That was my face!
0:03:06 > 0:03:12Yes...and it was worth half a million pounds!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Aaaah! Aaaah!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21# I love monkeys, I love monkeys
0:03:21 > 0:03:25# All those happy little, chirpy little monkeys
0:03:25 > 0:03:28# With their tails and their bananas
0:03:28 > 0:03:31# I think that if we all were monkeys, we'd have happier mananas
0:03:31 > 0:03:34# Give me monkeys, lots of monkeys
0:03:34 > 0:03:37# For you know that it's the monkeys I adore
0:03:37 > 0:03:41# If my love said that she did not love those monkeys
0:03:41 > 0:03:43# I wouldn't love her any more. #
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Thank you very much!
0:03:45 > 0:03:49Little Howard, why the monkey statues?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I thought statues would be cheaper than paying
0:03:51 > 0:03:53real monkeys to dance every week.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Ah, good thinking!
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Except it turns out it isn't. They were really expensive, Big Howard.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I had to sell all the support struts from underneath the stage.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05You what?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Aaaah!
0:04:06 > 0:04:12Now, don't get me wrong, what you've done here is very interesting,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14but I'm not quite getting it.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I didn't do this on purpose!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19These are worth half a million pounds each!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23So two of them, that's... that's, er...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27A million pounds?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31How much?! We've got to fix them!
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Don't just sit there! Do something!
0:04:40 > 0:04:42It's OK, I'm sure you'll do a grand job.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Second thoughts, I'll start trying to paint another one.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52It was just a picture of my face a load of times, how hard can it be?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Aaaah!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I think you might be able to tell they were fakes, but only
0:05:25 > 0:05:27if you were an expert.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28We're doomed!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30How are we going to pay for this?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32You've got a million pounds, haven't you?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Of course not, I'm skint! Why do you think I had to get this...
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Job?
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Never say that word! If anyone sees this, we're in big trouble.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46What have you done?!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Whatever it is, it's a vast improvement.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I thought they were awful!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58See? This prominent art critic thinks they're rubbish, too.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I'm not an art critic, love, I'm Beryl, the cleaning lady.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Oh.- But I know what I like,
0:06:04 > 0:06:08and I think Pithy Nomdeploom's a load of rubbish.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12You've got to admit he's got a very good taste in subject matter.
0:06:12 > 0:06:17Maybe, but that one of your face is a ripped-off Warhol.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19There is no need for that!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22No, Andy Warhol.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24He was an important figure in the Pop Art movement.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He suggested that ordinary things
0:06:27 > 0:06:29like photos of celebrities and cans of soup
0:06:29 > 0:06:33can be subjects for art. And that splattery one,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37that wasn't his idea, that's Jackson Pollock's!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I thought it looked a bit fishy.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43No, Jackson Pollock was an abstract artist who dripped and
0:06:43 > 0:06:45flung paint at the canvas.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48But he did it with passion and energy.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50That looks like a decorator's radio.
0:06:50 > 0:06:56But if these are as rubbish as they look, why are they so expensive?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Well, it's trendy, and some people have more money than sense.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Modern art can be great, though. I could show you
0:07:03 > 0:07:06something you might like, I've finished the lavs.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Thanks, but I better stay here
0:07:09 > 0:07:12and help Big Howard fix the sculpture he broke.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Actually, second thoughts, I'll come with you.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21No, actually, could you...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Help!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27What's going on there?
0:07:27 > 0:07:32Oh, this is Bowl Of Fruit, Violin And Bottle by Picasso.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I assume his dog ripped it up and Picasso
0:07:35 > 0:07:37just wasn't very good at jigsaws.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41No, it's a Cubist collage.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It's about seeing things from different perspectives at once
0:07:44 > 0:07:48and painting them as geometric shapes and cubes.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Picasso was trying to express the idea of the things
0:07:51 > 0:07:53rather than the things themselves.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58No-one need ever know.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04Oh, no! It's all on CCTV!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06No!
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Was Picasso's first name Al?
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- Al Picasso? No, it was Pablo, why? - He's gone and signed it Al, look.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19Oh, that's a bit of a newspaper
0:08:19 > 0:08:23next to a bit of a bottle just above a bit of the violin,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- and there's the grapes up there. - I hope he didn't get
0:08:26 > 0:08:29fruit mixed up with violins in real life,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31especially when he was making smoothies.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I've got to find the CCTV room...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50So...why are you taking me to a car park?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53To see the art.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Oh, I like that graffiti, but where is the art?
0:09:04 > 0:09:09But this is art, dearie. It's by the street artist Banksy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13He became famous by painting funny and clever stencils on walls
0:09:13 > 0:09:15all over the world.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19His stuff sells for hundreds of thousands of pounds.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23So graffiti can be art, but am I art?
0:09:23 > 0:09:29I think so. I mean, if someone thinks you're nice to look at,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31or if you make them think or laugh,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35then yes, Little Howard, you are art.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Right!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I need to get the DVD out
0:09:54 > 0:09:58so no-one knows who broke the paintings and sculpture!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Eject...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09Oh! Wait up, Little Howard!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12I'll get the DVD later, the controls are too complicated.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- Where's Beryl?- She's gone to contemplate Abstract Expressionism
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and de-scale the urinals.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40All right for some. We've got fix to these works of art!
0:10:40 > 0:10:44No, we don't, Beryl's given me an even better idea.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46How is de-scaling the urinals going to help?
0:10:46 > 0:10:50Apparently, it's very relaxing, but it's not that.
0:10:50 > 0:10:55We've got to get back to the Pithy Nomdeploom room! But...where is it?
0:10:55 > 0:10:59It is definitely...that way.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I'm sure it was down here.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Oh, my goodness!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Think of the children!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51All these corridors look the same to me.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Someone had drawn a load of naked ladies all over those pictures!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- What?!- But don't worry, I fixed it,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01using pointillist and pointiless techniques
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- in the medium of felt tips. - Oh, thank goodness!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07The last thing we need is any more damage done to these paintings.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12Oh! I recognise this bit, that's a Picasserole.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15The Pithy Nomdeploom room is down here.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Someone wasn't very good at jigsaws.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Oh, my mistake. This must be a different Pithy Nomdeploom room.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Someone's nicked all the really expensive paintings from this one.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Someone's nicked all the really expensive paintings!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Where is it?!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Where's all the art gone?!
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Now, think, Big Howard, where was it when you had it last?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It was on the wall!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I haven't lost it, it's been stolen!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Are you sure?
0:12:54 > 0:12:58You are a bit clumsy.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00We were supposed to be guarding it!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02We'll have to pay for every single one.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06They were half a million pounds each, and there were ten of them,
0:13:06 > 0:13:10so that's half a million times ten...
0:13:11 > 0:13:13It's quite a lot.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19£4.51!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22So you'll be round in a bit, then? Thank you!
0:13:22 > 0:13:25£4.20.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28It adds up to £5 million, Big Howard.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36But don't worry, I've got a plan!
0:13:36 > 0:13:40If Fishy Lobsterprune, if that is his real name,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44can get half a million pounds for a picture with my face on it,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46then my face is art!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So if we make loads of different pictures of my face in different
0:13:49 > 0:13:54arty styles, we'll easily pay for the damage and still be rich!
0:13:54 > 0:13:59So your plan is to get a load of professional artists...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Well, I was thinking of some kids
0:14:01 > 0:14:04and a couple of people we know from down the park.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07So your plan is to get some kids
0:14:07 > 0:14:11and a couple of people we know from down the park
0:14:11 > 0:14:14to draw loads of pictures of your face
0:14:14 > 0:14:19and sell them for millions of pounds, before tomorrow morning.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Got any better ideas?
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Put some clothes back on!
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I mean, what's that even supposed to be?! It looks like Richard Hammond!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57OK! Has everyone finished?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Right, great stuff, everyone.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Give them all here and I'll put them
0:15:08 > 0:15:13on the well known online auction site Eebygumtree and I'll make millions!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16No-one said anything about selling the pictures.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Well, as they are all of my face, they must belong to me,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24- so I can do what like with them, right?- No.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26They might be of you, but I made it,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28it's mine and I don't want to sell.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31My mummy wants this on her fridge at home.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32He's trying to rip us off!
0:15:32 > 0:15:37No, guys, guys, come on, pop that back.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40There's no need for that. You'll do your back in.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Come on, please, just pop...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Hey! Come back with my faces!
0:15:48 > 0:15:53It's 9pm! The big opening's at nine o'clock tomorrow morning,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55so that's in, erm...
0:16:00 > 0:16:0311...er...12!
0:16:03 > 0:16:0512, 12, in 12 hours' time!
0:16:05 > 0:16:09It's 10pm now! It's in 11 hours' time!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13We haven't a moment to lose, we have to act fast and...
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Hang on, 10pm?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Oh, dear, it's way past his bedtime, he must have been ever so ti...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Ladies and gentlemen of the press, and special guests
0:16:29 > 0:16:32from the world of art, thank you for staying out of shot...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Aaaah! It's 9am! They're outside!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Quick!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45And so it is with my great pleasure that I open the brand-new exhibition
0:16:45 > 0:16:48of Pithy Nomdeploom!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51No! The art's all gone!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Security, seal the room!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Where are those night watchmen?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Ah... Ah...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Atchooo!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04You two! I knew I shouldn't have given the job
0:17:04 > 0:17:06to a cartoon character and an idiot!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- I can explain!- Can you?- Erm...
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Actually, no, I can't.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16It was my fault.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I just wanted to know...
0:17:18 > 0:17:22# Am I art? Am I culture?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25# Could you hang me in a gallery?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# I am built like a sculpture
0:17:27 > 0:17:30# Not a painting, ironically
0:17:30 > 0:17:34# Was that art we destroyed?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37# I'm having trouble telling why you're annoyed
0:17:37 > 0:17:39# It was pants, now it's gone
0:17:39 > 0:17:43# Can't we call it misadventure and just try to carry on? #
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Please?
0:17:45 > 0:17:48No! You two are up the Haywain without a carthouse!
0:17:48 > 0:17:50I think what they've done is good.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53George, you're a security guard, stick to tutting at schoolchildren
0:17:53 > 0:17:55eating yoghurt by the Picassos.
0:17:55 > 0:18:01They call me George in my day job, but my secret identity is...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05ALL: Pithy Nomdeploom?!
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Flippy Poppadom?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11That's my pen-name. Don't wear it out.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15But you're the day security guard, you interviewed us for this job!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Yes, and I removed everything in this room when you weren't looking.
0:18:30 > 0:18:36I, Pithy Nomdeploom, have engineered the situation
0:18:36 > 0:18:38to create this
0:18:38 > 0:18:40unique work of art!
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- What work of art? - I wanted my exhibition to be about
0:18:44 > 0:18:45how much people value art.
0:18:45 > 0:18:51All this chaos was created when you thought you'd damaged and then lost
0:18:51 > 0:18:54- my original exhibition.- What?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Because you valued the art so highly,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59you were worried and scared that you'd ruined everything.
0:18:59 > 0:19:04That worry, that fear, turned into this!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07You were actually helping me create a whole new work of art.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I don't believe it, we created art! Ha-ha!
0:19:16 > 0:19:18# Is this art we've created?
0:19:18 > 0:19:21# It is pretty as a picture of me
0:19:21 > 0:19:24# But is it worth being feted
0:19:24 > 0:19:27# And put where lots of wealthy wallies can see? #
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Yes, it is! It's genius!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33# We're a success, we are feted
0:19:33 > 0:19:37# We are la-di-da-da artists, you see
0:19:37 > 0:19:40# For the mess that we painted
0:19:40 > 0:19:42# Is now hanging in a gallery
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# We are rich, we are famous
0:19:48 > 0:19:52# We are celebrated artists, yippee!
0:19:52 > 0:19:55# We're a stitch in the canvas
0:19:55 > 0:19:58# Of an even greater gallery... #
0:19:58 > 0:20:01I think you mean I'M rich. It was all my idea,
0:20:01 > 0:20:05so the art actually belongs to me.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06What?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09He's a great big numpty
0:20:09 > 0:20:13who wasn't much cop as a security guard, let alone an artist,
0:20:13 > 0:20:16but I'm afraid he's right, lads.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18It's his art.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22You just made a dreadful mess, it was I who gave it meaning!
0:20:22 > 0:20:26You weren't artists, you were just my paintbrushes.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33# Yes, it's art, yes, it's painted
0:20:33 > 0:20:36# Yes, it's hanging in a gallery
0:20:36 > 0:20:39# But as Pithy has narrated
0:20:39 > 0:20:41# Not a penny of the profit's for me
0:20:41 > 0:20:47# Can you spare a quid for a cup of tea? #
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I'll get you a brew, boys.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57Not till I've had a few choice words with Mr Biffy Nondisclosure.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Leave him, Little Howard.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02He might be worth millions, but he's not worth it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06And I happen to know he tinkles on the seat.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Right, you...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11You could argue with me, or you could go away now,
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and I won't tell Mr Art Gallery that it was you
0:21:14 > 0:21:18who scrawled a load of pants on the botties of the Botticellis.
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- The what?- The nudes, dear boy, the nudes.- Oh, dear.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25You did what?!
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Shut up and leave.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I wish you'd drawn pants on some of the nudey sculptures, too.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Dusting those bits don't 'alf make me blush!
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Nooo! Aaaah!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51My beautiful nudes!
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- No!- Peg it!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02My beautiful nudes...