0:00:02 > 0:00:03# Worlds away from anyone
0:00:03 > 0:00:06# They were burning themselves out in the sun
0:00:06 > 0:00:08# Worlds away from anyone
0:00:08 > 0:00:12# They were burning themselves out in the sun
0:00:12 > 0:00:18# There was just enough to get that far away
0:00:19 > 0:00:22# Ooh... #
0:00:36 > 0:00:39So, now that Vicki and I were the "It" couple of Angelus,
0:00:39 > 0:00:41we were big news.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43We were the talk of the town.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46It seemed we couldn't do anything without making headlines.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Suddenly, everyone wanted to know everything about us.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59And when people got bored with the truth, they started making stuff up.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Before we knew it, the lies were spreading out of control.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06HE SCREAMS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16And while we were hogging the front page...
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Sorry, didn't see you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Not your fault.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23..Mum was struggling to get a couple of lines down the back.
0:01:23 > 0:01:27"Reports that Mum has just washed her 5,017th pair of underpants,
0:01:27 > 0:01:34"cleaned the toilet 2,282 times and hasn't had a holiday in 5,110 days."
0:01:36 > 0:01:37SHE SIGHS
0:01:37 > 0:01:39BABY GURGLES
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Sorry, Mum, didn't see you.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I need a new sports uniform, Mum.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45My lunchbox is cracked too, by the way,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48and I need a note exempting me from the English excursion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Socks are letting me down, Joy. I've got three pairs
0:01:51 > 0:01:54giving the old big toe a little bit more liberty than they need.
0:01:54 > 0:01:55What was that?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56BABY GURGLES
0:01:56 > 0:02:00We can't have that going on, can we? Since you've got the needle out,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02could you have a look at that? Thanks.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04And then there's the shed for the chooks.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05The chooks?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Passive solar extensive use of earth friendly materials.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Fish guts travel down from the kitchen window here,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16eggs released into there. You can collect them
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- without entering the enclosure.- Huh.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And if I just add water it will spring up by itself.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25It is very advanced, but you're right, it won't build itself.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27That's where you'll need to get involved.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30A list for the hardware store.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- I'll just leave the offending socks on the ironing board, Mum.- Joy!
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Sorry?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Strictly speaking, I'm not actually your mum, so...
0:02:40 > 0:02:44you can call me Joy or Mrs Leonard, if you prefer.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49But let's, for the first time in 5,110 days,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52give Mum a rest, shall we?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54DISTANT BANGING
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Yes, I hear you! I'm coming, all right!
0:03:05 > 0:03:08MUTTERS UNDER BREATH
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Freeze, Leonard.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31What are you doing, Sarge?
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I think you... need a personal development day.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40It's about 5,110 days overdue, if you ask me.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43- Goodness, it doesn't have to be today.- Ssh, no baby to take care of.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Hmm. No, no, no.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No oven to clean. No, no. Give me the apron.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Hand me the apron and step back.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58Apron.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02BABY CRIES
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Now step back.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09It's not Mum today. No, no, no, it's Joy.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16MUFFLED KIDS SHOUTING
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- All right, give us some room. - Is it true you're a snot gobbler?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Of course it's not true!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33My cousin saw and said it was some serious goo munching.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- I do not eat snot.- Not even Lockie's?- That's disgusting.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38So you think Lockie's disgusting?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- Are you going to break up? - It's over!- I knew it wouldn't last.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44ALL: Lockie's dumped, Lockie's dumped!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Just leave her alone!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49CHATTERING STOPS
0:04:49 > 0:04:53You know, the fastest way to get rid of the question is to do the quiz.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54The quiz?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56The Planet Girl Magazine compatibility quiz.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59All the significant Angelus High couples have taken it.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03It shows whether you're gold, silver, bronze...
0:05:03 > 0:05:05or aluminium foil.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07How does it do that, you ask?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Let's face it, most friendships start with a bit of a hunch.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12You like the uniform...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You get the drift.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22But the quiz takes away your uniform.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24It strips you bare.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29It'll tell us if, as a couple, you'll go the distance.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32You and Vicki answer these multiple-choice questions
0:05:32 > 0:05:34and then we tally up the results.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37If you score well enough, it'll show you're really solid
0:05:37 > 0:05:40and the rumours will stop. That's what you want, isn't it?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43All right, we'll do the quiz.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44GASPS FROM THE CROWD
0:05:44 > 0:05:45We will?
0:05:45 > 0:05:49One for you and one for you.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Comparing answers will result in immediate disqualification.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00We give up.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01BABY GURGLES
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Well, well, well, what a happy turn of events.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08She's not... She's not staying here, right?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10No, couldn't keep her here if I tried.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- We'll be out on the beat in a flash.- But...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Policing is no place for a...
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Baby?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Mm-hmm.- Fear not! She's been around the block more than once.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Haven't you, Constable Blob?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24BABY GURGLES
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Unlike Blob, Mum didn't have a constable hat.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33When Sarge took away Mum's apron, he sort of took away her uniform.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37So she raided her wardrobe for a new one...
0:06:50 > 0:06:53but nothing seemed the right fit.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00And without a uniform, Mum felt totally exposed
0:07:00 > 0:07:03as if she were walking around naked.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Out! No arguments, Pamela.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Mrs Leonard!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14This here is Lockie's Mum.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15Fancy a game, Joy?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Three against one?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28How long since you did something for yourself, Joy?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Name three things you bought in the last month just for you.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Well...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38What's the last nice thing your family organised
0:07:38 > 0:07:40to make your life better?
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Renovations.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Sauna? Spa!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54My youngest, Philip, has designed me a chicken enclosure.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58The eggs will be a tremendous benefit to me.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04THEY BURST OUT LAUGHING
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Well, thanks for the game,
0:08:09 > 0:08:15but I have a few supplies... I need to pick up...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18for the renovations.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19SHE SIGHS
0:08:19 > 0:08:24The only nails that are getting any attention today are these.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Mum was trapped. Without her uniform she wasn't sure who she was anymore.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31It's your time now. It's Joy time.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35So when Vicki's mum offered her a new uniform to try on...
0:08:35 > 0:08:36Here, have this.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I have plenty.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40..She was tempted.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54You're walking along the street
0:08:54 > 0:08:57and you see 100 fall out of someone's pocket.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59By the time you pick it up, the person has gone.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Is it in notes or coins?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Do you, a) take it to the police,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06b) put your foot over it and stay there till everyone has gone home,
0:09:06 > 0:09:09or, c) pick it up and run like crazy?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'm just not sure why that's a question.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15What's the sequence? Fish finger, basketball...
0:09:19 > 0:09:26Um, Sasha, this compatibility quiz, I'm not totally sure I get it.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- It's not like you'll ever need to answer one.- Why not?
0:09:32 > 0:09:37Hello! Look at you! How you present yourself.
0:09:38 > 0:09:44Actually, with a milligram of style, you could do something with yourself.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- I could?- But you don't have it so... What can you do?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52He SO doesn't have it.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Constable Blob didn't have any problems
0:10:02 > 0:10:04slipping back into her old uniform.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06She was having a fine old time.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Four o'clock. Male suspect, dark hair, gym shoes.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Sorry, you're going to have to translate your vision there.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14That is a jaywalker waiting to happen.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Lowest of the low.- Ga-ga.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20All right, there's no need for the vitriol, Constable Blob.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Not unless a crime actually is committed.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24If it ever actually is.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Go on, help the good citizen there, Snowy. Go, go.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Hey, you! Hands in the air!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40- Hang on, Constable Wattle. His foot was on the line.- No way!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I believe it was and I also believe in a case like this,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- it's best to err on the side of caution.- Ga-ga-ga.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- What's that?- Ga-ga-ga.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52No, I do not need glasses. His foot was clearly on the line.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55She's the one in the pouch, Sarge. Best vantage point to make the call.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- So, you're sure?- Ga.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02BLOB VOMITS
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Ahem... You're nicked.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16# We've got to find a way
0:11:16 > 0:11:18# To live together in harmony
0:11:20 > 0:11:21# What a picture... #
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Hello, Mum.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Joy?
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Hello, boys.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'm sure you'll be very comfortable.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Erm... Um...
0:11:36 > 0:11:38This is a bit embarrassing.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I'm sure there's a good explanation
0:11:40 > 0:11:43for why your home isn't quite...ready yet.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53What's, erm...
0:11:54 > 0:11:56What's happened to your nails, love?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Do you like them?
0:12:00 > 0:12:01CRACKLING
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Yeah...
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- They look, uh, they look a little... - Weird. Dangerous.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Come inside. There's cake.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19It was about to get weirder.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Mum had served up a cake we could actually eat.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Did you cook this?- On your own?
0:12:29 > 0:12:31No, I bought it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Mum doesn't buy cakes. She bakes them.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And they're hard and rubbery and full of love.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43So, tomorrow, some of the girls are getting together again
0:12:43 > 0:12:45and I thought that...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Oh, it doesn't matter.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49It...it...it...it's nothing.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I was just going to see about having another one tomorrow. Another PDD.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Personal Development Day.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00- Oh.- Oh.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Oh.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07No, I think that's a terrific idea, Joy.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- In principle, I'm in full support. - But?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13No big buts. It's just...
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- ..I'm a bit worried about Blob's attitude down at the station.- Oh?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21She's quite gung-ho.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Oh.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Well, it really doesn't matter.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31No, I'm sure it was just nerves. We'll be fine.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34You get on the phone and let those ladies know
0:13:34 > 0:13:36you're going to be part of their plans.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41What about the chook shed?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45That's just going to have to go on the back seat for a little while.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52Would you rather... a) run down the street in your underpants?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54b) sit in a cactus?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56or c) kiss a baboon?
0:13:58 > 0:14:01How about d) go for a surf, instead?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Whoa!
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Look out, Lockie,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08they're traumatised enough as it is.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I know, it's hardly five star, is it?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Seriously, Lockie.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Who was that woman and what has she done with my mum?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I'm sure I could do this better if I just had a quick surf.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I needed a serious break.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33There was only one place guaranteed not to care who I really was.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Only one place where it didn't matter about every itch I scratch.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Hey.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53How did you go with the quiz?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Good. You?
0:14:55 > 0:14:56Yeah, good.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Struggling a bit with what breed of dog I am.- Mmm.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01- Me, too.- See how alike we are?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Peas in a pod.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04'And we were the same -
0:15:04 > 0:15:07'we were both lying our backsides off.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10'Neither of us had done more than the first three questions.'
0:15:10 > 0:15:12- Hey.- Hi, Egg.- Hi.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Egg, after school, you're getting a makeover.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- This afternoon?- Clean socks, no product in your hair.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21'Apparently, that was important when you're about to renovate someone.'
0:15:24 > 0:15:25Leonard!
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Yes, Mr Squasher?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Perhaps you'd care to share your insights with the class.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38'This was so not a note I was actually planning to give to Vicki.'
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Come on, now.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44I'm sure they'll all be fascinated(!)
0:15:45 > 0:15:49What's it going to be, Leonard? Will you read it out or shall I?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52'For a second, I thought about eating it.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56'It had started out as a note for her...'
0:15:58 > 0:16:02"Sometimes, I think you're as playful as
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"a Pomeranian."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:09'..but then it, kind of, turned into a doodle.'
0:16:09 > 0:16:11"But when your hair is wet,
0:16:11 > 0:16:17"I think you're more like a poodle."
0:16:17 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:24'Should have eaten it.'
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- CLUCKING - I do try.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Back at home, Mum was having a great time with her girls.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32- Too true.- Hello!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35The other mums were here for a "pedi".
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Vicki told me that's short for something you do
0:16:37 > 0:16:39to make your toenails less ugly.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41I've hear of free-range chickens,
0:16:41 > 0:16:43but this is taking things a bit far, isn't it?
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Off with those sandals, Joy. It's time to complete the makeover.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03Mum decided her new uniform didn't fit too well, after all,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05and she preferred her old one.
0:17:08 > 0:17:09I'm sorry.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13I don't think this is really me.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24THUNDER RUMBLES
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Ah!
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Hello, Mum.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33You've built the chook shed.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36A-ha-ha!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37The girls and I have had a riot.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42So, Mum was back in her old uniform, but, meanwhile,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Sasha was determined to change Egg's.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Don't make me come in there, Egg.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48All right.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Oh, stop! Ow! Sasha, they won't come off!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Egg's boots. They wouldn't come off,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58because Egg had been wearing his uniform for so long,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00it was like his second skin.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30I don't think Geoffrey's home yet. He shouldn't be too long.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33PHONE RINGS
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Excuse me.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38Egg's new uniform was so good, no-one even recognised him.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Mum and Sarge decided it was time Blob hung up her hat for a while.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Blob?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Play day today.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03But not without busting Constable Wattle
0:19:03 > 0:19:06as being a bit of a softie beneath her badge.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08Good-oh(!)
0:19:08 > 0:19:10This thing's killing my back, anyway.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12'Which just leaves Vicki and me.'
0:19:12 > 0:19:13The poodle thing.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15It was meant in the nicest possible way.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18It was a doodle.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Yeah, I could see that.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Like, a poodle doodle.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26'OK, I never said I was a genius,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29'but even I could see something weird was going on.'
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Vick, it's not about the poodle, is it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I don't know the answer. I don't know if I'm a pumpkin
0:19:38 > 0:19:39or a turnip or...
0:19:39 > 0:19:43'I'm not sure how but we jumped from animal to vegetable.'
0:19:43 > 0:19:45If I say pumpkin and was meant to say turnip,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49then the quiz is going to say that we're not compatible.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52It's just... What if it says I'm not a pumpkin or a turnip?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56What if it says that I'm actually a Fruit Loop and that
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I say weird things and sometimes do weird things,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00like messed-up things, you know?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I know it sounds completely stupid,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05but that stuff's not really for everyone to know.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08It's just... it's just for you to know.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Vick, I don't care what the stupid quiz says.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16You don't care?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Then why did you suggest we do the stupid quiz in the first place?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Because I thought it would make everyone go away for five minutes,
0:20:24 > 0:20:26just so things could go back to being just the two of us.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- So, you think the same as I do? - You know what else?
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Right now, I think I like you more than surfing.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Don't be ridiculous, Lockie Leonard.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38'But I, kind of, did.'
0:20:38 > 0:20:42You're the only pumpkin, turnip or Fruit Loop I want to hang out with.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Do you know how crazy that sounds? - Completely fruity.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Totally.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Here, give me the quiz.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53'I finally had some homework I didn't mind doing.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57'I'm not going to string it out, like a bad game show.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00'No 25 commercial breaks before you get the results.'
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Wrong. Wrong.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04Oh, dear.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08This is not looking good.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10'So, here's the scoop.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12'I ticked opposite box there was.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15'If I ticked black for me, for Vicki I ticked white.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20'And it worked - people lost interest...
0:21:21 > 0:21:25'..not that it took them long to find something new to talk about.'
0:21:28 > 0:21:33# I wanna make a good connection
0:21:33 > 0:21:34# Between you and me
0:21:39 > 0:21:42# Like to see you around in the usual places... #
0:21:42 > 0:21:43'Yep, we were yesterday's news...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48'..and I don't think we could have been happier about it.'
0:21:48 > 0:21:53# Gonna make a deep connection Gonna sit myself down
0:21:53 > 0:21:57# Gonna make a deep connection Write you a love letter... #
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:22:08 > 0:22:11E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk