0:00:02 > 0:00:03PHONE RINGS
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff
0:00:09 > 0:00:12we seek to answer any question you may ask.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14No question is too ridiculous.
0:00:14 > 0:00:19On call are our highly curious researchers, Lovett, Wannamaker,
0:00:19 > 0:00:24Frazernagle, Tea Party and, of course, Captain Lengthwidth.
0:00:24 > 0:00:30The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- TANNOY:- 'The working day will commence in ten seconds.
0:00:37 > 0:00:38'Don't be late.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00- Good morning, everybody!- Hello, Mr Reeves.- Good morning, Mr Reeves.
0:01:01 > 0:01:06- What's that?- What?- That!- Oh, that? - Is that what I think it is?
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- It's my new plunger, Reeves. My new plunger.- Beautiful.- Yes, isn't it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14- Beautiful.- £500.- Really?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- Would you like to plunge?- I haven't plunged for long time.- Why ever not?
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- I don't have a sink any more. I send all my washing up out.- I see.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- But it's a beautiful-looking plunger.- Yes!- May I?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Really?- Can I?- Please do.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33BOOMING
0:01:33 > 0:01:34What was that?
0:01:35 > 0:01:40- I've wired it up to my dishwasher. - And that was your...?
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- It was rather loud.- Yes, well, that's where I keep all my dynamite.
0:01:44 > 0:01:49- You keep your dynamite in your dishwasher?- Yes.- You stupid man!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Well, where do you keep yours?
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Well, like any sensible person, up me chimney.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01BOOMING
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Washing machine.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Frazernagle, can we have the first question, please?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09They're going absolutely wild, Mr Reeves!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'll put you through to someone on line four.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15PHONE RINGS
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Hello. This is Vic Reeves here, at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22How may I be of assistance to you today?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Oh, hi, it's me, Helia.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I just want to know, can you predict the future?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Thank you, Helia. Good luck. Goodbye.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Helia wants to know, can anyone predict the future?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I can predict the future.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- You can predict the future? - Yes, I can predict the future.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45You can't predict the future.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49There's only one man that I'm aware of who can predict the future.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53- Do you mean...?- Yes! BOTH: Russell Grant.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So, you reckon you can predict the future. What is this prediction?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I predict, that in the very near future,
0:02:58 > 0:02:59I'll have to visit the toilet.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03But you can't be sure of that! You can't be sure!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06There's only one man who can be sure of that. BOTH: Russell Grant.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09So, tell me about this prediction. How does it look?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Very...very messy.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I don't like the sound of that.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18OK, now I'm going to make a prediction.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I predict that Mr Frazernagle is going to offer me up
0:03:21 > 0:03:23a very, very curious question.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26- Aren't you? - I do have a curious fact.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Some people believe you can tell a person's fortune
0:03:29 > 0:03:31from listening to their tummy rumbling.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34So you can predict the future by listening
0:03:34 > 0:03:35to somebody's belly rumbles?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37I don't know. I can kind of believe it.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Shall we put it to the test. - Why not?
0:03:40 > 0:03:45# In the middle of the night when your guts they are a-rumbling
0:03:45 > 0:03:49# I can predict your future by your bellies gr-gr-grumbling
0:03:49 > 0:03:53# Just lie down on this gurney with your belly to the sky
0:03:53 > 0:03:54# And I'll listen with me trumpet
0:03:54 > 0:03:57# Oh, my gosh, you're going to die! #
0:03:57 > 0:03:59What!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Just a joke.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Well, that's not funny.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05# Sorry, my friend. Let me listen once again #
0:04:05 > 0:04:10FLATULENT GURGLING
0:04:10 > 0:04:13WATERY RUMBLES
0:04:13 > 0:04:17# I heard a double thundral and a partial chundra too
0:04:17 > 0:04:20# And my prediction, Captain Lengthwidth
0:04:20 > 0:04:22# Is that you will visit the loo
0:04:22 > 0:04:26# That ain't no prediction, I could have told you just what that is
0:04:26 > 0:04:31# For lunch this afternoon, I had a dozen Jamaican patties. #
0:04:31 > 0:04:35FLATULENT GURGLING
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- Spicy.- But delicious!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Well, my psychic powers tell me
0:04:46 > 0:04:49that you've got a nice curious fact for me, Mr Lovett.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Can we predict the future? - Incredible, Mr Reeves.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Did you know in Central Asia there's a form of fortune telling
0:04:56 > 0:05:01called Kumalak, and it involves 41 separate sheep poos.
0:05:01 > 0:05:0441 separate sheep poos!? Incredible!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06And curious!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Brace yourselves!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Stations, everyone!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Tell me my fortune, bedraggled hag.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I know I am, but what are you?
0:05:31 > 0:05:35OK, I will tell your fortune, but not with the ball.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37With the sheep poo!
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Ah, that's disgusting, mate!
0:05:40 > 0:05:45I will tell your fortune with the sheepy bum stuff. Are you ready?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Yes, as I'll ever be. Hurry up, mate, it stinks.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, yes! I can see many things.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I don't know about you,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55but it looks like I'm going to come into a fortune.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Really? How do you know that?
0:05:57 > 0:06:01I've just found a pound at the bottom of the poo.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Spooky! But, do we have any answers yet? Can we predict the future?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Sticking with toilet-related fortune-telling, Mr Reeves,
0:06:09 > 0:06:10there is uromancy.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It's very curious.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15It is a form of fortune telling done by looking at the bubbles
0:06:15 > 0:06:16in your wee.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Hmm? Bubbly, bubbly. Tell me more.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22It's said that the bubbles in your wee
0:06:22 > 0:06:25are specific to each person's future.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Right, OK.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Let's predict the future. Captain Lengthwidth.- Yes?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- Pop into the bog and have a number one.- Why?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I want to look at the bubbles in your wee and predict your future.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yes, but I don't need to go any more.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Get in there and try and squeeze something out.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- All right, all right. Don't get shirty.- Get in there. Go on!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- I'll see if I can go.- Come on. Give it a shot.- All right.- Might as well.
0:06:46 > 0:06:51- Well, I might as well. - Off you go, in there.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52How's it going?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Well, I'm just getting into position.- Yes, very good.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Any news yet?- Well, I can't go if you keep talking to me.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04- Right, I'll keep quiet. - Thank you.- How's it going?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06LIQUID SPLASHES
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Oh yes. Right! Ho, ho, ho!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Yes, the heavens have opened. Ha, ha! Lovely!
0:07:12 > 0:07:17Oh, oh yes, that's the ticket. Bang on, right there. Right there.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- Lovely.- Have you finished? - Hang on. Hold your horses.
0:07:22 > 0:07:29LIQUID SPLASHES
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- Still a few pennies left in the old bank account.- Good.- Ha, ha!
0:07:34 > 0:07:39- You did want to go after all, then? - Lovely. Lovely.- Yes.
0:07:39 > 0:07:45TOILET FLUSHES
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Absolutely wonderful. Do you know? I was bursting.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51So it seems. But you flushed it, haven't you?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53You flushed it all away,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55so I can't predict your future from the bubbles.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Oh, of course, yes.- Exactly. Do you know what?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You're about as much use as an expensive car,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05but when you look under the bonnet, what's there?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Just hundreds and thousands of pork chops.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Yes, that sounds about right, yes. That's the sort of area.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Sit back down there.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Thought I was going to be able to predict the future then.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I was getting all excited.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Let's have some more facts. Can we predict the future?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Well, how about this for curious? It's a fortune-telling cat.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29In 2007, it was reported that Oscar the cat
0:08:29 > 0:08:34predicted the deaths of 25 residents at an American nursing home.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Sorry, sweet cheeks, it ain't looking good. Next!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well, he didn't predict them quite like that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Oscar, the usually unfriendly cat,
0:08:44 > 0:08:48would affectionately curl up next to the unlucky patients
0:08:48 > 0:08:49shortly before they died.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Animal experts think the creepy cat could smell biochemicals
0:08:53 > 0:08:55released by the body just before death.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Oscar the cat, one mystic moggy you want to avoid.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Oooh! I hate mystic moggies and psychic cats. I really do.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11I detest them. So, have we got an answer to this question?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15- Can we predict the future?- Well, it's very hard to prove, Mr Reeves.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Some people believe that you can and other people just believe
0:09:19 > 0:09:21that getting predictions right is down to chance.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Well, I think it's a load of old rubbish.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27So can you get our findings are off to the lovely Helia
0:09:27 > 0:09:30as quickly as possible please, Miss Pyjama Party?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- Tea!- Not at the moment, thank you.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- TANNOY:- 'Attention, attention.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40'Flying Postal Services entering the ministry.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel upon arrival.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54'Please stand back.
0:09:54 > 0:10:00'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'
0:10:00 > 0:10:03RULE BRITANNIA PLAYS
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- TANNOY:- 'Postal services departing. Stand clear.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13'Post will be delivered in approximately
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'two minutes and 32 seconds.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Farewell, pretty postal pigeon, and good luck.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31- Mr Frazernagle, is there anyone on the switchboards?- Yes, Mr Reeves.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I've got one on Line Three. I'll put you through now.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35PHONE RINGS
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Hello, this is Vic Reeves here, at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42How may I be of assistance to you today?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Hello, my name is Zachariah, and I want to know who is
0:10:45 > 0:10:50the world's smallest farmer? I mean, literally, smallest farmer.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Thank you, Zachariah. Very good question.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57I shall find out the information for you instantly. Goodbye.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Who is the world's smallest farmer?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08There's a Mr Ken Millett for you in X1 for you, Mr Reeves.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11< Ken Millett loading in X1.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12APPLAUSE
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Hello, Ken.- Hello, Vic.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19Now then, Ken, how long have you had the title "World's Smallest Farmer"?
0:11:19 > 0:11:2317 years. I've won a competition.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Before that, I was World's Smallest Baker,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27then World's Smallest Optician,
0:11:27 > 0:11:31then World's Smallest Director of British independent films.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I think I get the idea.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39- But what did you actually do to gain the title?- Just be tiny.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44Mr Reeves, it's not true! He's lying! He's making it all up!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48There's no such thing as a World's Smallest Farmer competition.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Tell that tell-tale to shut his dirty mouth!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Frazernagle! How could you? Shut your dirty mouth!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Ken wouldn't lie about a thing like that, would you, Ken?- Errrr...?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- Ken...? - No, of course not, Mr Reeves.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03What do you actually grow on this farm?
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- Er, world's smallest carrots, like this?- I don't actually see anything.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- That's because they're tiny. - What else have you got?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15World's smallest cabbages. Have a look at that!
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Ken, that to me, looks remarkably like a Brussels sprout.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Yes, funny that, innit?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Yes, it is funny, innit. Who do you sell this stuff to?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Er...goblins?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Oh, Ken. Frazernagle was right.
0:12:28 > 0:12:33You're not World's Smallest Farmer, you're a fraud. You're a liar.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- The world's smallest liar! - I'll give you that one, yes.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Ladies and gentlemen, Ken Millett, the World's Smallest Liar.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- Really! Yes?- There's that £100 I owe you.- Oh, thanks.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52What's that?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55The world's smallest money.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- Is it all there?- Oh yes, count it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Yeah, it's all there. Thanks.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Right, can we get some answers on this question?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Who is the World's Smallest Farmer?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I've got something here, Mr Reeves, a very curious fact.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- Ants can be farmers, you know? - Ants? What? Farming?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Ants can grow mushrooms by gathering compost
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and fertilising it with their own poo.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23With their own poo?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Mr Reeves, there's something small in G1.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29< Ant farmer loading in G1.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- Ah! So you're an ant farmer? - Yeah, that's right.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- I've grown mushrooms using my own poo.- Really?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Wait a minute.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43As I suspected! Ken Millett!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46How dare you impersonate an ant farmer!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49You're just a cheeky impostor, Ken Millett.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- World's Smallest Cheeky Impostor! - Yeah, I'll give you that one.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Ken Millett, world's smallest liar and cheeky impostor.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Mr Reeves, it's Captain Lengthwidth, BBC News.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07- How did you know it was him? - Well, I'm very observant.- Thank you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Mr Reeves, this might help.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12I have a curious fact about the world's smallest man,
0:14:12 > 0:14:16Edward Hernandez, who is just 27 inches tall.
0:14:16 > 0:14:1927 inches tall? How tall is that?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- About this high.- What's that? Five loaves?- Yes, five loaves.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- Is that 27 inches? - I don't know, do you want to check?
0:14:28 > 0:14:32Yeah, I'll check it with my 27-inch rule.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Yep, that's about bang on. Well done.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And is this Edward Hernandez a farmer?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Because if he is, case closed.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- Oh, dash it! He's a dancer. - What a shame.- What a shame that is.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- What a crying shame.- That's put a right dampener on things, that has.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- Mr Reeves, C1.- TANNOY:- 'Eddie Hernandez loading in C1.'
0:14:54 > 0:15:05MUSIC: "Staying Alive" by The Bee Gees
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Stop! Ken! Get up, you'll do yourself an injury.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Not Ken! Eddie Hernandez - the World's Smallest Dancer!
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Ken, Ken, I know it's you. I can see you.
0:15:16 > 0:15:21PHONE RINGS
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Hello? Yeah? Ken, it's your wife.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29She wants you back home for your tiny tea.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Ken, you're going to have to stop this.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- You're becoming a pain in the neck. - World's smallest pain in the neck?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yeah, world's smallest pain in the neck.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Ken Millett, world's smallest pain in the neck!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44World's smallest impostor, smallest farmer - I don't think!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- I'll tell you one thing, he's persistent.- You can say that again.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- He's persistent. - You can say that again.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- He's persistent. - You can say that again.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- He's persistent. - You can say that again!
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- I see!- Yes! Yes!
0:16:02 > 0:16:06- He's persistent.- Right, let's get on with it. Let's crack on.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Who's the world's smallest farmer? - I think I've got it, Mr Reeves.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14But it's not a human and it's not even an animal.
0:16:14 > 0:16:20Technically, the smallest farmer is a single-cell amoeba
0:16:20 > 0:16:23which is so small you can only see it with a microscope.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25All right, my lover!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28The amoeba eats the bacteria.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32He plants the leftovers elsewhere and leaves it to grow.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38After a bit, the amoeba returns to harvest the crop.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Aaargh!
0:16:44 > 0:16:49A single-cell amoeba is indeed the world's smallest farmer.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Help! Help!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So there we have it, the world's smallest farmer
0:16:56 > 0:17:00is the single-cell amoeba who farms bacteria. I might have guessed.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04BOOMING
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Kettle.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Good. So get those findings off to Zachariah as swiftly
0:17:09 > 0:17:12as humanly possible, if you could please, Miss Teacake.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- Party.- Yes.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19< Flying Postal Services has arrived.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- TANNOY:- 'Post prepared for postal personnel.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31'your number one aerial courier.'
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Good luck, intrepid post lady.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39So, Mr Frazernagle, what do you intend to do with
0:17:39 > 0:17:41what is left of this frankly spontacular day.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45- I'm going fishing tonight. - Really? For what?- Compliments.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48That's a very good thing to fish for.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50We've got time for one final question.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51How are the switchboards doing?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54It seems I've got a call coming through on Line Two.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55I'll put you through now.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57PHONE RINGS
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Thank you, duck.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry of Curious Stuff.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04How can I help you?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Hi, my name's Emily.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I just wanted to know, what is the longest song ever?
0:18:09 > 0:18:15Thank you. Good day. What is the world's longest song ever?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Any ideas?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Nothing about the longest song yet, Mr Reeves,
0:18:22 > 0:18:24but I have something about the highest note.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Do tell.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29According to the Guinness Book Of World Records,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33the highest note ever sung was by a Mr Adam Lopez in 2005.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37It was one note higher than the highest note on a grand piano.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Excellent!
0:18:40 > 0:18:47Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Mr Adam Lopez,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49who will be performing for your delight and pleasure,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52the highest note ever to be sung by human.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00HE COUGHS
0:19:00 > 0:19:03HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Well, Adam, I think it's fair to say
0:19:07 > 0:19:10you've ruined that for everyone.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Well, that was the world's highest note.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK
0:19:20 > 0:19:22But what we need to find out is,
0:19:22 > 0:19:27what is the world's longest song, and in order to do that,
0:19:27 > 0:19:32we need to play the Extra-Long Song Factor Talent Show!
0:19:32 > 0:19:37UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:37 > 0:19:42Welcome to the Extra-Long Song Factor Talent Show.
0:19:42 > 0:19:48And I'm joined by my co-judges, Cheryl Tulisa Minogue on my right.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:53And on my other right, it's Simon Barlow-Trowel.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:20:01Right, so, what do we know, music-wise,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03about the longest song in the world?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I'm not entirely sure of the world's longest song,
0:20:06 > 0:20:10but curiously the song You Suffer, by a band called Napalm Death,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14is the shortest song ever at 1.316 seconds long.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Well, that sounds like my kind of music.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21So, with You Suffer, please welcome, Ted Wellend!
0:20:21 > 0:20:25UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Hello. I'm Ted Wellend.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36And I'll be performing the world's shortest song.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39One, two...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41One, two, three, four!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43HEAVY METAL BLAST
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Any time you're ready, pet, take it away.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51What are you talking about? I just did then.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Right, well maybe you'd like to perform it again for us.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57OK.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58HEAVY METAL BLAST
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Any time you're ready, pet.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06No, I just did it then. Just then!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Are you sure?- Yeah.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Um, I'll do it now again for you, if you like.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14HEAVY METAL BLAST
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- Any time you're ready then, pet. - I just did it then!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Didn't you hear me?
0:21:21 > 0:21:22HEAVY METAL BLAST
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Well, maybe you'd like to perform it once more for us.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I just did it then!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Right now!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Are you having me on or something?
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Um, OK, let's go to the judges' opinions. Vic? What did you think?
0:21:34 > 0:21:40Well, you made the song your own, but I didn't get it, I'm sorry.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46I love your spirit, I love you as a person,
0:21:46 > 0:21:50but you're just not right for this competition in my view pet, sorry.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51What did you think, Simon?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55That was one of the worst auditions I have ever seen.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You can't sing, and I think I genuinely hate you.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00And it's a no from me.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02What do you know? You're just a trowel!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Ooh!
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Well, not a good start, but I wonder who is up next
0:22:08 > 0:22:11in our seemingly endless search for the world's longest song?
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Well, curiously, I haven't found the world's longest song, Mr Reeves,
0:22:15 > 0:22:17but what about the smelliest?
0:22:17 > 0:22:18Yes!
0:22:18 > 0:22:21The Brown Noise is the name given to a frequency
0:22:21 > 0:22:23so deep it's thought it could make you poo yourself.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Uggh!- Ohhh!
0:22:25 > 0:22:33Right, well, with Brown Noise, please welcome, Clifford Nuts!
0:22:33 > 0:22:38UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Right, well, Clifford, I don't think you're quite ready for this
0:22:44 > 0:22:46just yet, so it's a no from it.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I haven't started yet.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Yeah, give the poor little man a chance.- OK, all right.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56This is Brown Noise.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57Take it away.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00DIDGERIDOO PLAYS
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- Is that it?- Yeah. - Well, that was awful.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17It couldn't have gone any worse. No-one in here pooed themselves.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20You couldn't even make one person have an accident in their trousers.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Pathetic.- Please!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Please put me through!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27This is me last chance.
0:23:27 > 0:23:34I promise, if you let me do it again, I'll make you poo yourselves.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Sorry, it's a no from me.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41It's a very hard song to sing, but it's a no from me.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- I didn't get it.- I'm afraid it's the end of the journey for you, love.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47No, no...
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Well, so far the auditions have been a bit of a flop.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- A bit of a washout, really, haven't they?- They're getting worse.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59- Anything else on the world's longest song?- I've found it, Mr Reeves!
0:23:59 > 0:24:05The search is over! Long Player is actually the longest song ever.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08It's a piece of music played by a computer
0:24:08 > 0:24:11that's designed to last for 1,000 years.
0:24:11 > 0:24:18Fantastic! Well, with Long Player, please welcome, Nick Lurpak!
0:24:18 > 0:24:23UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Oh, you look like my little brother!
0:24:29 > 0:24:35- Who I hate.- And me, he's awful, isn't he? OK, enjoy yourself.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40In your own time. Have fun with it. Off you go. Good luck.
0:24:40 > 0:24:47AMBIENT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:57 > 0:25:03AMBIENT ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Boring!
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Tedious and dull! Boring!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13- Off, off!- Off, off!- Off, off!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16All right. Thank you. I can see where this is going, Nick.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19It's very boring and it's going to take a long time,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22it's going to take a 1,000 years, isn't it?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Off you go. Off you go.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28You can't have a programme that lasts 1,000 years.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- I know, although it feels like it sometimes, doesn't it?- It does.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33It's not far-off, is it?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37So there we are, the world's longest song is Long Player,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41lasting an incredibulious 1,000 years long.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Miss Tea Party, could you get that information
0:25:44 > 0:25:47off to Emily as quickly as the crow flounders.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Right away, Mr Reeves.- Thank you.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52TANNOY BELL CHIMES
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- TANNOY:- Attention, Ministry. The working day is over.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- Re-assessing curious stuff. - So, what have we discovered today?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Helia wanted to know if you can predict the future.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07We found out there are lots of ways, like using sheep poo.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Hurry up mate, it stinks!
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- Looking at the bubbles in wee. - You flushed it all away. Yes!
0:26:12 > 0:26:14And even listening to tummy rumbles,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16but no-one can prove that they actually work.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20Zachariah asked, who is the world's smallest farmer?
0:26:20 > 0:26:25The world's smallest man is Eddie Hernandez, and he's 27 inches tall.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Ants are tiny farmers. So you're an ant farmer?
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Yeah, that's right. I grow mushrooms using my own poo.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36But they're not as tiny as the world's smallest farmer,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38a single-cell amoeba who farms bacteria.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Finally, Emily asked, what is the longest song ever?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45We heard the shortest song, it's called You Suffer.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46HEAVY METAL BLAST
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Any time you're ready, pet.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51And we listened to Brown Noise,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53a frequency so low it can make you mess yourself.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56The longest song ever is Long Player which is 1,000 years long.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Boring!
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Well done, everybody. Thank you all.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05- Good night, Lengthwidth. See you tonight?- Where are we going?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- Round by the bins? - See you at seven.- Six o'clock it is!
0:27:09 > 0:27:13- Transportation for Mr Reeves has arrived.- Goodbye, Mr Reeves.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17- Goodbye, Mr Reeves. - Goodbye, Mr Reeves.- Bye, Mr Reeves.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Stand back, everyone!
0:27:21 > 0:27:22I'm going home for me tea!