0:34:50 > 0:34:57.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03PHONE RINGS
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Here, at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff
0:35:08 > 0:35:12we seek to answer any question you may ask.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14No question is too ridiculous.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17On call are our highly curious researchers -
0:35:17 > 0:35:19Lovett, Wannamaker,
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Frazermagle, Teaparty
0:35:21 > 0:35:24and, of course, Captain Length-Width.
0:35:24 > 0:35:30The ministry is a thinking facility that helps us to find you an answer.
0:35:30 > 0:35:34'The working day will commence in ten seconds.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38'Don't be late!'
0:35:45 > 0:35:50'Attention! Mr Reeves is entering the building.'
0:35:50 > 0:35:54Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56Morning, everybody!
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Morning, Mr Reeves.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- Good morning, Mr Reeves. - Good morning, Mr Reeves.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Captain Length-Width,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05I was wondering if we might practice for
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- Britain's Got Talent. The flute piece.- Yes.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11- I've been practising all night. - Good, so have I.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15- Ready?- Yes, of course. - Here we go, then.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17HE PLAYS A SPRIGHTLY MELODY
0:36:17 > 0:36:20- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.- Why?
0:36:20 > 0:36:21What sort of a gradient is that?
0:36:21 > 0:36:25- It is like a 1:3 gradient, that. - That's as flat as I go.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28No, it's not, that's too dangerous to drive a car down.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31- Can you just slacken it off to about a 1:7?- Right.- Here we go.
0:36:35 > 0:36:36- Whoa!- What now?
0:36:36 > 0:36:39- That's about 1:5, that. - That's right.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42- Can't you get it flat? - No! That's as low as I go.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46- Forget it. Let's forget the whole thing.- Forget it.- Just forget it.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49If you can't manage to have a 1:7 or even flatter,
0:36:49 > 0:36:51then I am not interested in doing this performance.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Then we will agree to go our separate ways.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Well, maybe we should.
0:36:56 > 0:36:57Yes, we should.
0:37:00 > 0:37:03Mr Frazermagle, put the first call through, please.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Right you are, Mr Reeves.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08I've got a brilliant call coming through on line two.
0:37:08 > 0:37:13Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16How might I help you?
0:37:16 > 0:37:20Hello, my name is Clara and I've got a question.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Can you dance on the moon?
0:37:22 > 0:37:25Thank you, Clara, what a very exciting question.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28Thank you, goodbye, goodbye.
0:37:28 > 0:37:33Clara wants to know, can you dance on the moon?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35- Oh, Captain Length-Width?- Yes.
0:37:35 > 0:37:38That reminds me of the story of Alan and Kitty.
0:37:38 > 0:37:41- Do you remember them? - I remember them very well.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43- AMERICAN ACCENT: - Whatcha doin'?
0:37:43 > 0:37:45You know, Kitty, I'm just staring up at the stars.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49- That's where I want to be. - It's a long way up there, Al.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53Yeah, I know it is, but I just want to be on that moon, collecting dust.
0:37:53 > 0:37:56- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- How long are you going to keep up this accent?
0:37:56 > 0:37:58You can have dust out me Hoover bag if you want.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01I know that, love, but I do want to go to the moon
0:38:01 > 0:38:03if it's at all humanly possible.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Maybe one day, but not today, eh? Best get off to work.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09All right, love, well, I'll see you back here at seven o'clock for tea.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12All right, it'll be on the table. I'll just have a lie down.
0:38:12 > 0:38:13All right.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Can you dance on the moon?
0:38:17 > 0:38:21What we need is an astronaut to ask. An astronaut.
0:38:21 > 0:38:26A giant leap for mankind coming through in G1, Mr Reeves.
0:38:26 > 0:38:28FAIRGROUND ORGAN PLAYS
0:38:28 > 0:38:31'Famous astronaut loading in G1.'
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Wow, it's Neil Armstrong! The first man on the moon
0:38:36 > 0:38:38coming out of his airlock. Whoa!
0:38:40 > 0:38:43So good to meet you, Neil.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- Where's your trumpet? - Oh, no, that's Louis Armstrong.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- I get that a lot.- It's not Louis.
0:38:50 > 0:38:54So, when you were on the moon, was there much dancing involved?
0:38:54 > 0:38:57No, there's no dancing on the moon, it's forbidden,
0:38:57 > 0:38:58prohibited, not allowed.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01I'm not at home to Mrs I Want To Dance On The Moon.
0:39:01 > 0:39:04And who made you the moon police, then?
0:39:04 > 0:39:06Oh, the people who gave me this badge.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09It is with pride that I became moon sheriff and it is my duty to ensure
0:39:09 > 0:39:12the moon is treated with the dignity that she deserves.
0:39:12 > 0:39:14That means no barbecues,
0:39:14 > 0:39:17no late-night parties, no ball games
0:39:17 > 0:39:20and certainly no dancing, it's disrespectful.
0:39:20 > 0:39:21Sounds like a hoot.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24It's not meant to be fun, it's a scientific research site.
0:39:24 > 0:39:28So, if I was on the moon and I started doing this...
0:39:28 > 0:39:30MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run DMC
0:39:30 > 0:39:31You wouldn't like it, no?
0:39:31 > 0:39:33I would not take kindly to it, sir.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- The moonwalk.- All the moves.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40What about if I took it up a notch a bit like this?
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- You must like that. - Please stop that, sir.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44- Come on.- Please stop that, sir!
0:39:44 > 0:39:46- You like it!- I don't like it!
0:39:46 > 0:39:48I'm sorry, I just got excited about the moon.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I understand that, she is quite an enchanting goddess,
0:39:51 > 0:39:53but don't be doing that again, please.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57- What about if I, you know, do a bit of that?- NO! NO! I don't like it.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01- Come on, a little bit of that.- Stop! Stop that, please.
0:40:01 > 0:40:05- Get with it.- Stop it! Stop it! I did not take one giant leap for mankind
0:40:05 > 0:40:08for people like you to do dances like that.
0:40:08 > 0:40:10NEIL CRIES
0:40:10 > 0:40:13Oh, he really does love the moon, doesn't he?
0:40:13 > 0:40:15I think that probably answers Clara's question.
0:40:15 > 0:40:18You can't dance on the moon because Neil Armstrong,
0:40:18 > 0:40:22the sheriff of the moon won't allow it.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27There's no such thing as a moon sheriff.
0:40:27 > 0:40:28That's good news, isn't it?
0:40:28 > 0:40:32Cos we were thinking of holding a rave upon the moon this weekend.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Yeah, I know, and I've already sent out 500,000 invites
0:40:35 > 0:40:37and my hand is really aching.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40So, I'm really glad that that is not cancelled.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42Carry on sending the other invitations
0:40:42 > 0:40:44because it's back on again!
0:40:46 > 0:40:50So, come on, let's answer Clara's question. Can we dance on the moon?
0:40:50 > 0:40:54Well, Mr Reeves, here is a very curious space fact for you.
0:40:54 > 0:40:58Did you know you can only survive for 30 seconds in space
0:40:58 > 0:41:01- without a space suit on? - And what happens after 30 seconds?
0:41:01 > 0:41:03There's no oxygen, so you'd suffocate.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06Well, I can hold my breath for 30 seconds.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08Well, Mr Reeves, you can hold your breath all you like,
0:41:08 > 0:41:11but the change in air pressure would cause your lungs
0:41:11 > 0:41:13to be ripped apart in your chest.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18And then, because there's no atmosphere to hold all the liquid
0:41:18 > 0:41:22in your body together, your saliva would boil on your tongue.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28You'd be hit by orbiting debris, hurtling through space.
0:41:30 > 0:41:34And with the temperature of space being minus 148 degrees,
0:41:34 > 0:41:35your body would freeze.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41Sounds disgusting! Urrgh!
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Right, let's move swiftly on.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Can we answer this question for Clara?
0:41:47 > 0:41:48Can we dance on the moon?
0:41:53 > 0:41:56Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not quite sure about dancing,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59but you can actually play golf on the moon.
0:41:59 > 0:42:02No, no, no playing golf on the moon. No, sorry, it's prohibited.
0:42:02 > 0:42:04Don't listen, carry on, Mr Lovett.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06Well, it would appear, Mr Reeves,
0:42:06 > 0:42:08that there are actually golf balls on the moon.
0:42:08 > 0:42:11Imagine that! Hitting a golf ball from the Earth to the moon,
0:42:11 > 0:42:15that's got to be some kind of record, hasn't it, Captain?
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Yes, it is, Mr Reeves, and when I hear a record like that
0:42:18 > 0:42:19I just have to go for it.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20You always do.
0:42:20 > 0:42:24Whilst you're practising, I'm just going to go and pick something up
0:42:24 > 0:42:27round here that I've seen.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30There it is, there, I'll just bend over and pick it up.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Here we go.
0:42:32 > 0:42:34Oow!
0:42:34 > 0:42:38Oh, I am so, so sorry, Mr Reeves. Did I make the moon?
0:42:40 > 0:42:45In a manner of speaking, yes. Only a few hundred thousand miles out.
0:42:45 > 0:42:47Do us the honours, would you? Do us the honours.
0:42:47 > 0:42:49No, I don't think so.
0:42:49 > 0:42:51SQUEAK...POP!
0:42:51 > 0:42:53No, thanks.
0:42:54 > 0:42:57Mr Reeves, you've got it wrong.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01In 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard played golf on the moon
0:43:01 > 0:43:08and because of the low gravity, he managed to hit one ball 400 yards.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11Very clever, but what we want to know is can you dance on the moon?
0:43:11 > 0:43:13Come on, what else have we discovered?
0:43:13 > 0:43:18Well, Mr Reeves, I'm not sure if you can dance in a space suit,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21but there's something a bit more smelly that you shouldn't do in one.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Really.
0:43:25 > 0:43:30Now, that's what I call an outfit, sweetheart. You look fab. Beauts.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33- The girls will be well jel.- OK.
0:43:33 > 0:43:34Going anywhere nice?
0:43:34 > 0:43:36Err, space.
0:43:36 > 0:43:40- Out of this world!- Literally. - Don't be seen dead without it.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Although you would be dead without it in space.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46What about wind?
0:43:46 > 0:43:48100% waterproof and windproof.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Not that you need to worry, cos there's no weather in space,
0:43:51 > 0:43:53no rain or wind.
0:43:53 > 0:43:55FARTING NOISE
0:43:55 > 0:43:58Although, you don't want to get wind inside, if you know what I mean.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02Because if you bottom burp in your snazzy airtight space suit,
0:44:02 > 0:44:04you'll be stuck with it all the way home.
0:44:07 > 0:44:10Ooh, imagine that!
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Flying all the way to the moon and back
0:44:12 > 0:44:15with a stinking brute in your space flight suit.
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Still, that doesn't answer Clara's question. More facts, please!
0:44:22 > 0:44:26Well, this could be a very important fact, Mr Reeves.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30There's no sound in space, so you would have no music to dance to.
0:44:30 > 0:44:32Explain further.
0:44:32 > 0:44:36Well, sound waves can't travel in space because space is a vacuum.
0:44:36 > 0:44:41No sound, no music and no dancing.
0:44:42 > 0:44:45Even if you were happy to dance without music,
0:44:45 > 0:44:48there's so little gravity on the moon, you'd find it hard
0:44:48 > 0:44:52to do anything other than dance really, really slowly.
0:44:52 > 0:44:58- Slow dancing.- Slow dancing? Well, I love slow dancing.
0:45:03 > 0:45:08# I know you're somewhere out there Somewhere far away
0:45:08 > 0:45:12# I want you back
0:45:12 > 0:45:14# I want you back... #
0:45:14 > 0:45:18Mr Armstrong, Mr Armstrong, Mr Armstrong...
0:45:18 > 0:45:19- May I?- Of course.- Thank you.
0:45:19 > 0:45:26# Talking to the moon
0:45:26 > 0:45:33# Trying to get to you... #
0:45:33 > 0:45:35MUSIC STOPS
0:45:35 > 0:45:36Right, so let's wrap this up.
0:45:36 > 0:45:41I think we can safely say that yes, you can dance on the moon
0:45:41 > 0:45:44as long as you like slow dancing
0:45:44 > 0:45:45and no music
0:45:45 > 0:45:47and you've got a spacesuit.
0:45:47 > 0:45:51Very good. Could you get that information off to Clara
0:45:51 > 0:45:55- as soon as possible, please, Miss Teaspoon?- Party.
0:45:55 > 0:45:58CHIMES 'Attention, attention,
0:45:58 > 0:46:02'Flying Postal Services entering the ministry.
0:46:03 > 0:46:08'Please have your post prepared for the postal personnel on arrival.
0:46:10 > 0:46:14'Postal person descending. Postal person descending.
0:46:14 > 0:46:15'Please stand back.
0:46:16 > 0:46:21'Postal service reaching its destination in three, two, one.'
0:46:21 > 0:46:27FANFARE: "Rule Britannia"
0:46:27 > 0:46:32'Postal services departing. Stand clear.
0:46:32 > 0:46:35'Post will be delivered in approximately
0:46:35 > 0:46:37'two minutes and 32 seconds.'
0:46:42 > 0:46:45'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services.'
0:46:45 > 0:46:50Float northwards, envoy of the vault of heaven.
0:46:50 > 0:46:53Right, Frazermagle, how are the switchboards?
0:46:53 > 0:46:55They're very busy, Mr Reeves.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57We have a call coming through on line one,
0:46:57 > 0:47:01- connecting you now. - Thank you.
0:47:01 > 0:47:04Hello, this is Vic Reeves here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:47:04 > 0:47:07- How may I help you? - Hello, my name is Camilla.
0:47:07 > 0:47:11I was wondering, can you eat poo?
0:47:13 > 0:47:16Thank you, Camilla, for your delightful question.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18I don't think(!)
0:47:18 > 0:47:22Camilla wants to know - I don't know how to put this...
0:47:22 > 0:47:23can you eat poo?
0:47:23 > 0:47:25Oh, what?
0:47:25 > 0:47:26Exactly!
0:47:26 > 0:47:30I've never heard something so...extraordinary in my life.
0:47:30 > 0:47:33Exactly, I've done a lot of things, but I've never done that.
0:47:33 > 0:47:36No, I've never done that either. What things have you done?
0:47:36 > 0:47:38Well, I've made a sausage roll.
0:47:38 > 0:47:39I made a wolf whistle.
0:47:39 > 0:47:41I've seen a barn dance.
0:47:41 > 0:47:42I made a horse fly.
0:47:42 > 0:47:45# But we've never eaten poo.#
0:47:49 > 0:47:52Right, come on, then, what facts have we got?
0:47:58 > 0:48:00I'm not sure about eating it,
0:48:00 > 0:48:02but hippos use their poo to find their way.
0:48:02 > 0:48:06They leave a trail of it so they don't get lost on their way home.
0:48:06 > 0:48:09I followed a trail of excrement once
0:48:09 > 0:48:13and let me tell you it didn't lead anywhere good.
0:48:14 > 0:48:18In Africa, cow pats are dried and turned into bricks to make houses
0:48:18 > 0:48:21and here in the UK, traditional cob cottages
0:48:21 > 0:48:26are built using a mixture of soil, cow poo and water.
0:48:26 > 0:48:30So, kids, if your parents say they are putting a deposit on a house,
0:48:30 > 0:48:32it's not what they mean!
0:48:36 > 0:48:39Right, come on. Let's get serious now. Can we eat poo?
0:48:39 > 0:48:42Well, here is a curious toilet fact, Mr Reeves.
0:48:42 > 0:48:48On average, us humans spend three years of our lives on the bog.
0:48:48 > 0:48:51Three years on the bog, is that really true?
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Something coming through in X5, Mr Reeves.
0:48:56 > 0:49:00'Lavatory user loading in X5.'
0:49:00 > 0:49:02Oh, sorry, sorry.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04Who are you?
0:49:04 > 0:49:07- Phil Packham.- Dare I ask, what are you doing there?
0:49:07 > 0:49:11Well, the average human spends nearly three years of their life
0:49:11 > 0:49:12on the toilet.
0:49:12 > 0:49:14So, I decided that I would
0:49:14 > 0:49:17get my three years out of the way in one go.
0:49:17 > 0:49:21I've been here for nearly two years and six months
0:49:21 > 0:49:23so there's only six months left
0:49:23 > 0:49:26and then I will never have to go to the toilet ever again.
0:49:26 > 0:49:29- Well, I'm not sure it quite works like that.- What do you mean?
0:49:29 > 0:49:34I don't think you can get all of your lifetime's bog-sitting
0:49:34 > 0:49:35done in one sitting.
0:49:35 > 0:49:39- Isn't that right, Miss Wannamaker? - Yes, that's right, Mr Reeves.
0:49:39 > 0:49:41- Are you joking?- No.
0:49:41 > 0:49:45- You mean I've wasted nearly three years of my life for nothing?- Yes.
0:49:45 > 0:49:49- Oh, well. I suppose I ought to get up, then.- Yeah, I would.
0:49:49 > 0:49:51Steady.
0:49:51 > 0:49:55It's fine, don't worry. My legs are just a little bit stiff.
0:49:55 > 0:49:58I haven't used them for nearly two and a half years.
0:49:58 > 0:50:02What's happened is, I do actually now need to use the toilet
0:50:02 > 0:50:03so can you...?
0:50:03 > 0:50:05Sorry, Phil, I am a little bit busy.
0:50:05 > 0:50:09Do you know what, all that talk of eating's made me really peckish.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11I'm just going to nip off to the ministry canteen.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14- Sort that out.- OK.
0:50:14 > 0:50:17- Oh, that's running down my legs. - Get up!
0:50:19 > 0:50:21Hello, Mrs Dollop.
0:50:21 > 0:50:24It's Mrs De-lope, Mr Reeves, get it right.
0:50:24 > 0:50:27Sorry. Now, what delights have you got in the canteen for me today?
0:50:27 > 0:50:30I've got something here you are going to love.
0:50:30 > 0:50:32- Yeah, what is it? - Civet coffee.
0:50:32 > 0:50:35- Civet coffee.- It's the most expensive coffee in the world.
0:50:35 > 0:50:37Go on, try it, go on, TRY IT!
0:50:37 > 0:50:39All right.
0:50:42 > 0:50:45- Oh!- What is it?- Civet coffee is made from coffee beans.- Yeah.
0:50:45 > 0:50:48- It's fed to this little weasel thing.- Yeah.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51Then it poos it out and turns it into a lovely cappuccino.
0:50:51 > 0:50:54So, I've been drinking poo out of a weasel?
0:50:54 > 0:50:56- You think that's disgusting? - Yeah.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59I think you're disgusting! Get out of my canteen!
0:50:59 > 0:51:01I think I'll leave it.
0:51:05 > 0:51:07Come on, wakey, wakey.
0:51:07 > 0:51:10Now, then, Mrs Dollop informs me that you can drink poo,
0:51:10 > 0:51:14but the question is can you eat poo?
0:51:14 > 0:51:18Well, yes, you can, Mr Reeves. If you're an elephant.
0:51:19 > 0:51:23'It is not unusual for an elephant calf to be seen
0:51:23 > 0:51:26'eating from its mother's poo.'
0:51:26 > 0:51:30I hope you're hungry, I've been slaving over a hot toilet all day.
0:51:30 > 0:51:34Mmm, finished. That was a wonderful poo, Mum.
0:51:34 > 0:51:39Well done, ten out of ten, my compliments to the chef's bum.
0:51:39 > 0:51:42- Would you like a second helping? - I wouldn't say no.
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Eat it all and you can have desert.
0:51:44 > 0:51:47- What's for desert?- Have a guess.
0:51:51 > 0:51:54That makes me so pleased that I am not an elephant.
0:51:54 > 0:51:59Hey, Captain Length-Width, do you remember we used to keep elephants?
0:51:59 > 0:52:01Yes, they used to roam around the garden, didn't they?
0:52:01 > 0:52:04We'd call their names and they'd come running towards us.
0:52:04 > 0:52:07But we had to clean them out and that was a bit of a pain.
0:52:07 > 0:52:09Do you remember when one of them got killed by a fox?
0:52:09 > 0:52:12Yeah. It was nice to eat their eggs every morning.
0:52:12 > 0:52:15Yeah, it was...
0:52:15 > 0:52:17- No, it was chickens. - It was chickens.
0:52:17 > 0:52:20- Chickens. Easy mistake to make. - It is an easy mistake.
0:52:20 > 0:52:24Right, let's answer Camilla's question, can we eat poo?
0:52:24 > 0:52:27Well, Mr Reeves, you can eat your poo if you're an elephant,
0:52:27 > 0:52:29but if you're a human you should never eat poo
0:52:29 > 0:52:31because it can make you very ill.
0:52:31 > 0:52:35In fact, it's best just to have a cucumber sandwich instead.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39Yes. Right, get those findings off to Camilla pronto, please,
0:52:39 > 0:52:41- Miss Teaparty, thank you. - Yes, Mr Reeves.
0:52:41 > 0:52:47SIRENS 'Flying Postal Services has arrived.
0:52:47 > 0:52:52'Post prepared for postal personnel.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54'Thank you for using Flying Postal Services,
0:52:54 > 0:52:57'your number one aerial courier.'
0:52:58 > 0:53:02Farewell, condor of the postal atmosphere.
0:53:02 > 0:53:06Right, Frazermagle, time for one final call. Who's on the lines?
0:53:06 > 0:53:10- Call on line three, Mr Reeves. I'll put you through now.- Thank you.
0:53:10 > 0:53:14Hello, this is Vic Reeves at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:53:14 > 0:53:16How might I help you today?
0:53:16 > 0:53:19Hello, my name's Matthew and my question is,
0:53:19 > 0:53:23do flying monkey soldiers exist?
0:53:23 > 0:53:28Oh, Matthew, thank you for that question. Thank you. Goodbye.
0:53:28 > 0:53:33Matthew wants to know, do flying monkey soldiers exist?
0:53:35 > 0:53:37Flying monkey soldiers, eh? Warriors, if you will.
0:53:37 > 0:53:43If they did exist, my goodness, they'd be tough,
0:53:43 > 0:53:44strong
0:53:44 > 0:53:46and curious.
0:53:48 > 0:53:51Brace yourselves!
0:53:51 > 0:53:53Stations, everyone!
0:54:05 > 0:54:08A LOUD BUMP
0:54:08 > 0:54:09What happened then?
0:54:09 > 0:54:13Right, OK, then, listen, flying monkey warrior soldier.
0:54:13 > 0:54:17I will teach you how to do it. You're a student, I'm the master.
0:54:17 > 0:54:19Are you going to teach me how to do this?
0:54:19 > 0:54:24I don't want to know specific moves, I just want to know ballpark.
0:54:24 > 0:54:25You can't just do the ballpark,
0:54:25 > 0:54:28you got to do the whole course, it takes for years.
0:54:28 > 0:54:31- Oh, well, get on with it. - Right, OK, here are some moves.
0:54:31 > 0:54:33- What's that down there?- Where?
0:54:33 > 0:54:35There. Move one.
0:54:35 > 0:54:37- What's that down there?- Where?
0:54:37 > 0:54:40- There. Move two.- These moves are lethal, coming out of blue.
0:54:40 > 0:54:45- Absolutely out of nowhere. Final move. What is that there?- Where?
0:54:45 > 0:54:47- Cheeky monkey!- Yeah.
0:54:47 > 0:54:49OK, OK, I've got a move for you,
0:54:49 > 0:54:52- what you've never seen before in your life.- Right.
0:54:52 > 0:54:54- What's that there?- Where?
0:54:54 > 0:54:57- There. Yeah.- You are good! You will make a very good
0:54:57 > 0:54:59flying monkey warrior soldier.
0:54:59 > 0:55:03You is yesterday's monkey. I am new monkey on the block.
0:55:03 > 0:55:06- All right, all right, don't get too cocky.- OK.- Take it easy.- OK.
0:55:06 > 0:55:10- You're very good. Good work, kid.- Thank you.
0:55:10 > 0:55:13- Ow!- Ow!
0:55:16 > 0:55:20And that is exactly what flying monkey soldiers are like.
0:55:20 > 0:55:24- You don't have to tell me that. - I detect codswallop, Mr Reeves.
0:55:24 > 0:55:25You made that up.
0:55:25 > 0:55:27Quite right, Wannamaker, well spotted.
0:55:27 > 0:55:31Well spotted, indeed. That was entirely made up, I'm afraid.
0:55:31 > 0:55:33So, let's get some real facts for Matthew.
0:55:33 > 0:55:35Do flying monkey soldiers exist?
0:55:35 > 0:55:39Well, Mr Reeves, I don't know about flying monkey soldiers
0:55:39 > 0:55:43but there are some other winged soldiers. Parrots.
0:55:43 > 0:55:45Parrots? But they're not soldiers.
0:55:45 > 0:55:46- Yes, they were.- Really?
0:55:46 > 0:55:51Listen to this, during World War I, parrots were stationed on top
0:55:51 > 0:55:53and inside of the Eiffel Tower
0:55:53 > 0:55:57so they could give warning of enemy aircraft approaching.
0:55:57 > 0:56:00But unfortunately, they didn't do a very good job of it.
0:56:00 > 0:56:03Yeah, that would be because they couldn't hold the binoculars
0:56:03 > 0:56:06in their little parroty wings.
0:56:06 > 0:56:08What they should have had is this.
0:56:08 > 0:56:10It's the Parrot Vision 3000.
0:56:10 > 0:56:13It's a marvellous piece of equipment.
0:56:13 > 0:56:17This really is the latest in parrot binocular harness technology.
0:56:17 > 0:56:20Look here, we've got binoculars attached to this harness,
0:56:20 > 0:56:23which is really beautifully crafted in faux leather.
0:56:23 > 0:56:27What this ensures, is that with the harness there is absolutely
0:56:27 > 0:56:30- no chafing for the animal itself. - As I look underneath the harness,
0:56:30 > 0:56:33I can see there is absolutely no chafing...
0:56:35 > 0:56:37Just write it down on your pad.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40I've noticed that this pad here is actually
0:56:40 > 0:56:42attached to the clipboard, which is made from Loominex.
0:56:42 > 0:56:45That's Loominex, that's a Loominex mix
0:56:45 > 0:56:48and a very delicate spring action, there.
0:56:48 > 0:56:49Mr Reeves!
0:56:52 > 0:56:54SNORING
0:56:54 > 0:56:57- Where's this parrot come from? - He's from Costa Rica.
0:56:57 > 0:56:58His name is Paul.
0:56:58 > 0:57:00And for the first 500 callers,
0:57:00 > 0:57:02you receive the presentation box free
0:57:02 > 0:57:06and my cousin, Whitaker, will give your parrot a free pedicure.
0:57:06 > 0:57:09- Mr Reeves!- Yes.- Mr Reeves!- What?
0:57:09 > 0:57:13That's not the reason why the parrots weren't very good.
0:57:13 > 0:57:16It was because they couldn't tell the difference between
0:57:16 > 0:57:17an enemy plane and their own.
0:57:17 > 0:57:19So we just wasted our time.
0:57:19 > 0:57:21- Trying to sell this.- Five hours.
0:57:21 > 0:57:23Five hours we've been here, trying to sell this.
0:57:23 > 0:57:26- Have we had any calls? - Well, we've had a few.
0:57:30 > 0:57:31Sorry.
0:57:33 > 0:57:34None.
0:57:37 > 0:57:40- Five hours!- Five hours we've been trying to sell this thing.
0:57:40 > 0:57:42You could have chipped in earlier.
0:57:44 > 0:57:46Right, come on, then.
0:57:46 > 0:57:49What a waste of time that was. Let's answer Matthew's question.
0:57:49 > 0:57:54Well, there is the curious fact of a very brave monkey soldier.
0:57:57 > 0:58:00'Meet Jackie, brave, loyal,
0:58:00 > 0:58:03'honourable, a hero, a soldier,
0:58:03 > 0:58:04'a monkey?
0:58:04 > 0:58:08'Jackie the baboon fought during the First World War.
0:58:08 > 0:58:11'And gained a reputation as a reliable soldier
0:58:11 > 0:58:16'and trusted companion to his master, Private Albert Marr.'
0:58:16 > 0:58:17Hello, friend.
0:58:17 > 0:58:19'Towards the end of the war,
0:58:19 > 0:58:25'the much-loved platoon baboon lost a leg in the battle.
0:58:25 > 0:58:30'But made a complete recovery and was even awarded a medal for bravery.
0:58:30 > 0:58:34'So, there you have it, Jackie, a first-rate primate,
0:58:34 > 0:58:36'a true hero,
0:58:36 > 0:58:39'a real-life monkey soldier.'
0:58:41 > 0:58:45That's nearly the answer, we are almost finally nearly there.
0:58:45 > 0:58:50That was a monkey soldier, but we need a flying monkey soldier.
0:58:50 > 0:58:52Look no further, Mr Reeves!
0:58:52 > 0:58:56There was a curious monkey who flew and he worked for the US government.
0:58:56 > 0:58:57Tell me more.
0:58:57 > 0:59:00In 1961, Ham the chimp was sent up into space
0:59:00 > 0:59:03and controlled the space rocket during flight.
0:59:03 > 0:59:06He'd been trained by receiving rewards of banana pellets
0:59:06 > 0:59:08whenever he pulled the correct levers.
0:59:08 > 0:59:11A flying monkey! A space monkey! Imagine that!
0:59:11 > 0:59:13I can't.
0:59:13 > 0:59:17I'm trying to, but I can't.
0:59:18 > 0:59:20KEYBOARD PLAYS
0:59:20 > 0:59:22- # Space ape - Space ape
0:59:22 > 0:59:26- GERMAN ACCENT: - # The chimp of the future
0:59:26 > 0:59:31- # Astral primate - Primate, primate...
0:59:31 > 0:59:35# Monkey-style space cruiser
0:59:35 > 0:59:39# Flying so high with your air supply
0:59:39 > 0:59:41# Into manana mit your bag of bananas
0:59:41 > 0:59:44- # Space ape - Space ape
0:59:46 > 0:59:48# Guardian of the future
0:59:48 > 0:59:51- # Astral primate - Primate, primate
0:59:52 > 0:59:56# Monkey-style space cruiser
0:59:56 > 0:59:59# Flying so high mit your air supply
0:59:59 > 1:00:03# Into manana mit with your bag of bananas
1:00:03 > 1:00:06- # Space ape - Space ape, space ape...
1:00:06 > 1:00:10# Don't let us down
1:00:10 > 1:00:14# Humanity depends on you.#
1:00:17 > 1:00:21So, I think we've proved that you can have a flying monkey
1:00:21 > 1:00:25and you can have a monkey soldier, but never the twain shall meet.
1:00:25 > 1:00:29So, could you get those facts off to Matthew as quickly as possible?
1:00:29 > 1:00:32- Thank you, Miss Teaparty. - Yes, Mr Reeves.
1:00:32 > 1:00:35'Attention, ministry. The working day is over.
1:00:35 > 1:00:37'Reassessing curious stuff.'
1:00:37 > 1:00:40'Clara asked, can you dance on the moon?
1:00:40 > 1:00:43'And we found out you could only survive for 30 seconds
1:00:43 > 1:00:45'without oxygen,
1:00:45 > 1:00:48'your lungs rip apart, your saliva boils and you freeze to death.'
1:00:48 > 1:00:51Sounds disgusting!
1:00:51 > 1:00:55'In 1971, astronaut Alan Shepard played golf on the moon.
1:00:55 > 1:00:58'The golf balls are still there.
1:00:58 > 1:01:01'Never trump in a space suit, the smell can't get out.'
1:01:01 > 1:01:03You'll be stuck with it all the way home.
1:01:03 > 1:01:05'There's no sound in space,
1:01:05 > 1:01:08'and because of low gravity, any movements would be very slow.
1:01:08 > 1:01:11'The answer is you can dance on the moon if you did it
1:01:11 > 1:01:14'very slowly, in a spacesuit, to no music.
1:01:14 > 1:01:18'Next, Camilla wanted to know, can you eat poo? We found out.'
1:01:18 > 1:01:19Oh, sorry.
1:01:19 > 1:01:23'Us humans spend an average of three years of our life on the toilet.'
1:01:23 > 1:01:24Get up!
1:01:24 > 1:01:27'Baby elephants will eat their own mother's poo.'
1:01:27 > 1:01:30- Eat it all and you can have desert. - Try it!
1:01:30 > 1:01:33'Civet coffee's made from beans that've been
1:01:33 > 1:01:34'pooed out by a civet.'
1:01:34 > 1:01:37So, I've been drinking poo out of a weasel?
1:01:37 > 1:01:39'So, you can eat poo if you're an elephant,
1:01:39 > 1:01:43'but humans should never eat poo. I repeat, never, ever eat poo.
1:01:43 > 1:01:46'Finally, Matthew asked, do flying monkey soldiers exist?
1:01:46 > 1:01:48'We found out...
1:01:48 > 1:01:52'..parrots were used to spot enemy aircraft in World War I.
1:01:52 > 1:01:55'There was a monkey soldier called Jackie, a baboon
1:01:55 > 1:01:57'who fought in the First World War.
1:01:57 > 1:01:59'And there was a flying monkey,
1:01:59 > 1:02:02'Ham the chimp flew a rocket in space in 1961.
1:02:02 > 1:02:05'So, flying monkeys and monkey soldiers have existed,
1:02:05 > 1:02:09'but to our knowledge there are no flying monkey soldiers, sorry.'
1:02:09 > 1:02:12Anyway, bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye, team.
1:02:12 > 1:02:15Bye-bye. 'Transportation ready for Mr Reeves.'
1:02:15 > 1:02:17Goodbye, Mr Reeves.
1:02:17 > 1:02:18Goodbye, Mr Reeves.
1:02:18 > 1:02:19Goodbye, Mr Reeves.
1:02:21 > 1:02:23Stand back, everyone.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28I'm going home for me tea.
1:02:49 > 1:02:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
1:02:52 > 1:02:55E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk