0:00:02 > 0:00:03PHONE RINGS
0:00:05 > 0:00:08'Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff,
0:00:08 > 0:00:10'we explore any subject you desire
0:00:10 > 0:00:14'and deliver top-quality curious facts.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19'On hand, our dedicated team,
0:00:19 > 0:00:22'Lovett, Teaparty, Frazernagle on the calls,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24'Wannamaker in the walls,
0:00:24 > 0:00:27'and, of course, Captain Length-Width.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36'That's Miss Bracegirdle.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39'She's been sent by head office to investigate our work
0:00:39 > 0:00:41'and compile the report.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44'If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the Ministry down.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50'Let's not dillydally, there's lots to do.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53'Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.'
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Good morning, everybody! - Good morning, Mr Reeves.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- Good morning, Mr Reeves.- Morning, Mr Reeves.- Good morning, Mr Reeves.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Miss Teaparty, what are the headlines?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08A flamingo eats with its head upside down, the tips of shoelaces
0:01:08 > 0:01:12are called aglets, and someone needs to tell Lovett to have a shave.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yes. Lovett, have a shave, man!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18- Length-Width.- What?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Are you ready for Britain's Got Talent?- Absolutely.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- What are we doing?- Were going to do a spot of contortionism.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25What's contortionism?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28It means you have to get into a small enclosed area,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30a little box, like this one here.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Think you can get inside that? - No problem at all.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Will it be enough to impress the judges?- I think it will.
0:01:35 > 0:01:39- Have you ever done anything like this before?- On average, never.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40In you get.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Squeeze it on down.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Are you ready?- Yes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50JAZZY TRUMPET MUSIC
0:01:57 > 0:01:59MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:01:59 > 0:02:02MUSIC CONTINUES
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- Miss Bracegirdle?- Yes?- Shall we not get on with our work, then?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16There's very little point. You'll be gone by the morning.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18THEY GASP
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I'm just finishing off my report for the Megaboss tomorrow.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- Tomorrow?- Tomorrow. - SHE CHUCKLES
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- We are in big trouble.- You don't say.- Yeah, I just said it then.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I know, I heard you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Right, what we've got to do is get that report and destroy it.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Leave it with me, Mr Reeves.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38All I need is this, and so she doesn't suspect I'm gone,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- you'll be needing this.- Right.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45- Ah!- Aha!- Yes!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- The penny drops.- Good. Very good.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51- Right, we'll need my spare hat. OK?- Yeah.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54Trust me, Mr Reeves, she won't suspect a thing.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59'I don't know what those two are up to,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01'but all they've been doing for weeks
0:03:01 > 0:03:03'is wasting time messing around.'
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Mr Reeves, welcome to the Ministry.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12TUBA BLARES
0:03:12 > 0:03:13BURPING
0:03:13 > 0:03:15BREAKING WIND
0:03:15 > 0:03:19- Now, you look here! - You look here!- You look here!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- I'll make sure you never work in this ocean again! - PHRRT!
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I feel quite...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I've just been for a poo.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29And I love you, too.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35BREAKING WIND
0:03:35 > 0:03:37THEY LAUGH
0:03:39 > 0:03:40'What's he doing down there?'
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Mr Reeves, at this rate I'm going to run out of pages in my book.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47I don't know what you're talking about, I'm just here having a quiet
0:03:47 > 0:03:50game of chess with my good friend, Captain Length-Width.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Oh, are you?
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Except, there's something wrong with this picture, isn't there?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56I don't know what you mean.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00This is my good friend, Captain Length-Width, and not a tuba.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- You don't even know how to play chess!- Yes, I do!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Well, what are the pieces called, then?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Well, erm, this one is Rachel, and this one is Clive,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and this one is LaShunda!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11TUBA PARPS
0:04:11 > 0:04:12# Now you look here. #
0:04:12 > 0:04:14TUBA PARPS A MELODY
0:04:14 > 0:04:17It is impossible to do my job in this ridiculous place.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22'The report book is almost full.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25'There have been so many misdemeanours.
0:04:25 > 0:04:30'Mr Megaboss, I take great pleasure in enclosing this final
0:04:30 > 0:04:34'chapter of my report, Mr Reeves' top ten wrongdoings.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38'At number ten, we were researching bravery,
0:04:38 > 0:04:41'and we'd just found out that Joan of Arc had led the French army
0:04:41 > 0:04:44'to many victories while still in her teens.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51'Mr Reeves decided to interview the young warrior, a good idea indeed -
0:04:51 > 0:04:55'had he not handled it so badly.'
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Ah, hello. Are you Mr Of Arc? - I'm Joan's father, yes.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Could I have a word with her, please?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Oh, no, no, no. She's grounded. She's not allowed visitors.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- Oh, please, come on, please! - All right, five minutes.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11- ROCK MUSIC FROM BEDROOM Joan!- What?
0:05:11 > 0:05:14There's some strange goblin here to see you.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You get down here this minute, young lady!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18You can't speak to me like that! I'm a saint!
0:05:18 > 0:05:22They wouldn't have made you a saint if they had to live with you.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28- What?- I wondered if I could talk to you about your bravery.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Don't think so, mate. I don't talk to losers. I'm off out.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33You're going nowhere. You are grounded.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35But it's the Hundred Years' War, all my mates are going.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I don't care. Sit down.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42All right, Grandad. You can "aks" me your questions,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45but don't take too long, because Hollyoaks is on in a minute.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49OK. So, what's life like being the bravest teenager in history?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Pretty sweet. When I'm not fighting with my crew and tings,
0:05:52 > 0:05:53I'm just chillaxing.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Or listening to One Direction every hour of the day and night.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01I don't listen to One Direction. Those boys are girls. I'm a warrior.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03So, what do warriors listen to?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Dizzee Rascal, Tinie Tempah, that kind of a ting.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07I know exactly that kind of...ting.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10I'm very switched on to that sort of groove.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Specifically what?- Busy Biscuit. - Dizzee Rascal, you mean?- Yes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15You are such a liar,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18making out that you like my music in order to impress me.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19- Liar!- Yeah?
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You're the liar, cos you really, really, really,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25really like One Direction.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Nah! I... What are you talking about? They are losers!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30You won't mind if I do this, then!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Ooh, look!- It's just a poster, who cares?- Sorry about that!
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Don't even care.- Look what's happened to him!- That's fine.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38No! Harry!
0:06:39 > 0:06:44'So, that's number ten, winding up Joan of Arc.'
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Er, Miss Bracegirdle?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Yes?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You know when you're not writing in that report book,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- where do you keep it? - Why do you ask?
0:06:57 > 0:07:02Just wanted to know about your interests and that, you know.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Well, writing a report that may get you fired does happen to be one of
0:07:06 > 0:07:08my favourite ever hobbies,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10and when I'm not writing it, I keep it...
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Right here beside me.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19That's interesting. Maybe we can talk about...
0:07:19 > 0:07:20your emotions.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- What do you mean?- Your feelings and that, you know?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- I don't get it.- What makes you happy, what makes you sad.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36Trying to steal the report book - that's going in the report book.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40'Of course, this is not first time Captain Length-Width
0:07:40 > 0:07:42'has tried to take something of mine.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48'We'd discovered that fans of a famous ballerina had cooked
0:07:48 > 0:07:51'her ballet shoes with a special sauce and eaten them.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55'The fact inspired Mr Reeves... unfortunately.'
0:07:57 > 0:08:00# I'm just cooking up shoes
0:08:00 > 0:08:03# Just cooking up shoes
0:08:03 > 0:08:07# Sandals and slingbacks
0:08:07 > 0:08:11# Just cooking up shoes
0:08:11 > 0:08:14# Add a little salt and a little bit of pepper
0:08:14 > 0:08:20# A little bit of parsley will make them taste better
0:08:20 > 0:08:22# Cooking up shoes
0:08:24 > 0:08:28# I'm cooking up shoes
0:08:28 > 0:08:30# Just cooking up shoes
0:08:30 > 0:08:32# Boil and bake them
0:08:32 > 0:08:37# Nice and fragrant add a little bacon
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# This leather is patent
0:08:41 > 0:08:44# Just cooking up shoes
0:08:44 > 0:08:48# Just cooking up shoes
0:08:48 > 0:08:51# Cooking shoes
0:08:51 > 0:08:54# Cooking. #
0:08:54 > 0:08:55'They were my best shoes!
0:08:57 > 0:09:00'When researching curious competitions,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02'we found an ugly dog contest.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06'All Mr Reeves could focus on was the prize money.'
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Well, allow me to introduce you to the revolting face which is
0:09:10 > 0:09:14going to win ME that 1,000.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19The soon-to-be winner, my hideous dog, Simon Davenport.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Look, there he is there. Makes you want to heave, doesn't it?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- That's not a dog.- That is a dog.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31It's the ugliest dog in the universe.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34- It's a pig in a wig. - It's not, it's a dog!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- It's just a pig. - Pig with a wig on.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Now you look here, Mr Reeves, I like as much fun as the next man,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43but trying to pass off that pig in a wig as the ugliest
0:09:43 > 0:09:46dog in the world is going to far. I don't know how you sleep at night.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- You look here.- You look here. - You look here!
0:09:49 > 0:09:54- That is a pig!- It is a doggy-woggy! - Piggy-wiggy!- This is a dog!
0:09:54 > 0:09:58He's right, you know. That's a pig in a wig.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59Ha ha! From a dog!
0:10:00 > 0:10:05'A prime example of the chaos caused by Mr Reeves.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11'More confusion. We were looking into clever children.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13'Mr Reeves should have invited Gregory Smith,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16'the Nobel Peace Prize nominee to the Ministry,
0:10:16 > 0:10:22'but Geoffrey Smith, Frozen Pea Prize-winner arrived instead.'
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I'm here now, you know,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27so if anybody has got any questions that they'd like to ask me...
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I'm a giant, talking frozen pea, and you've got nothing!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39It took me three buses to get here! Three!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And... You know what?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45He was only nominated, your bloke. He didn't win.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49I was voted frozen pea most likely to succeed!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Good day!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56That's not going to work.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01I shall leave the way I came in.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05With grace, dignity and style. Goodbye.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Good day. Good day to you.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- That was awkward.- Yes, it was. He left a damp patch on the seat.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- I think he's starting to defrost. - I think so. Very awkward.
0:11:22 > 0:11:27'So that was number seven, another badly executed idea,
0:11:27 > 0:11:32'much like the plan to steal my report book with a fishing rod.'
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I'm sorry, Mr Reeves, I was convinced that was going to work.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- No, she's good. - She's one of the best.- I know.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Were going to have to think of something cleverer.- Good idea.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Right, come on.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Miss Teaparty, have you got anything,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48ANYTHING on how to steal report books?
0:11:48 > 0:11:49No, I'm so sorry.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Lovett, any ideas?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I'm sorry, Mr Reeves, I just can't find anything.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Length-Width, what have you got in your handbag?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Just some old house candles. What have you got in your handbag?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Same thing, just old house candles.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Reeves! That's not house candles, that's... BOOM!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Where did you get that from? - From the shop by the quarry.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Right, here's what we do.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19THEY WHISPER
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- BOOM!- Got it?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Good idea. Good idea.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- No, no!- Ah!
0:12:25 > 0:12:26THEY SNIGGER
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Er, Miss Bracegirdle, seeing as we're parting company,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32we have clubbed together
0:12:32 > 0:12:36and bought you a lovely pack of scented candles for your booth.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I shall have them sent up immediately.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- THEY WHISPER:- She fell for it. - Brilliant!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45- Right, now swap the candles. - Swap them.- Right, OK.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- You take them up there. - I'll take them up there.- Go, go.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- I'll get rid of the real candles. - Good idea.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57EXPLOSION!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Any other ideas?- No.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07'Continuing my countdown of Ministry wrongdoings...
0:13:08 > 0:13:10'When researching chocolate,
0:13:10 > 0:13:16'we discovered the most expensive chocolate dessert costs £22,000.'
0:13:16 > 0:13:17DOORBELL RINGS
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Lovely choccy dessert waiting for you in B7, Mr Reeves.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Would you take a look at that?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28'Mr Reeves bought one and pranced around with the pudding,
0:13:28 > 0:13:29'wasting time and money.'
0:13:31 > 0:13:34# Today, today, today is my birthday
0:13:34 > 0:13:38# And I'm going out for an ice cream sundae
0:13:38 > 0:13:41# Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yumma
0:13:41 > 0:13:44# Tra-la-la-la-la-la, et cetera
0:13:44 > 0:13:48# Chunky, crumbley ice cream sundae
0:13:48 > 0:13:51# Better watch out cos I am hungry
0:13:51 > 0:13:54# Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy, yumma
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# Tra-la-la-la-la-lee, et ceteree
0:13:57 > 0:14:01# Here comes a waiter with the cheque
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# Oi, oi, oi, I'm gonna be sick!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06# Ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya
0:14:06 > 0:14:09# Ahoy hoy hoy hoy and a pom pom pom. #
0:14:09 > 0:14:12£22,000 for chocolate pudding?!
0:14:12 > 0:14:16You're 'aving a laff, int'ya?
0:14:16 > 0:14:17CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
0:14:18 > 0:14:21'Fact number five,
0:14:21 > 0:14:22'when researching cat facts,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26'Mr Reeves caused kitty chaos at the airport.'
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Oh, hello, sir, how may I help you?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Vic Reeves, Ministry of Curious Stuff.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Could you tell me about Pet Airways?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Well, Pet Airways is an American company that specialises
0:14:38 > 0:14:41exclusively in the air transportation of pets.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- And do you get many cats flying with you?- Yes, we do.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47In fact, we've got a very famous cat flying with us today.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Cream Puff from Texas.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53The oldest recorded cat at 38 years and 3 days.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55CAT SCREECHES
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Careful there, she is a grisly old thing. She will go for you.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03- Out of my way!- Look out, this is one seriously spoiled cat.
0:15:03 > 0:15:10- What do you call that?!- I'm sorry, is there a problem?- Hello, hi, hi.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15I am Willow's agent. We just found this in your airport restaurant.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18Willow will only drink water that is at room temperature.
0:15:18 > 0:15:23This, too warm. If both of you could chill it, that would be great.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28- Willow would appreciate that.- I want my fish. I had a fish. I want it.
0:15:28 > 0:15:33- You, stupid looking bald cat! Bring it to my face now.- Get it yourself!
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- GASPS - Mr Reeves!
0:15:37 > 0:15:41'Only four spots left in the top ten wrongdoings for my report.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44'Thanks to those two, I am spoiled for choice.'
0:15:46 > 0:15:49- OVER LOUDSPEAKER:- 'Lunch will now be served in the Ministry canteen.'
0:15:51 > 0:15:56- Welcome to the Ministry canteen. - Hello, hi. Hi, Mrs Dollop.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57SHOUTING: It's Do-lope!
0:15:57 > 0:16:00SWEETLY: What can I get you sweetheart?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- I'll just have a sandwich. - Lovely.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06SHOUTING: Tony! Sandwich!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- Oo, oo...- Sandwich!
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Did you know, the sandwich was invented
0:16:12 > 0:16:16so that John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, could continue
0:16:16 > 0:16:18playing cards whilst having a snack?
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I kid you not.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Oo! Oo!
0:16:23 > 0:16:27Are you winding me up, Tony?! That is not a sandwich.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30No, it's a mobile phone.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Oo-oo-oo-oo!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Hello?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Gordon Ramsay?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41SHE MOUTHS
0:16:44 > 0:16:48I knew you would call. Once you realised how much you needed me.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51I... I...
0:16:53 > 0:16:54OOORGH!
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I'm sorry, the kitchen is closed for training.
0:17:00 > 0:17:01SCREAMS: Tony!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oo, oo, oo!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- Length-Width, we need to get that report.- I know.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Why don't you do that thing you do with your arm?- OK.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13What thing?
0:17:13 > 0:17:17You know the thing you do when you are trying to reach for an owl?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- I will give it a go.- Do it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23HE STRAINS
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Are you there yet?- No!
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Not yet, not yet.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I know. I said to him... Hang on a moment.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Grab it. Aaargh!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- What was that?- She hit me.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42- Blimey, she's got some strength. - I felt that myself.- No, you didn't!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46'At number four, we were about to begin researching toilets
0:17:46 > 0:17:52'but Mr Reeves burst into his tasteless toilet tribute song.'
0:17:52 > 0:17:55# The smallest room
0:17:55 > 0:17:59# The place of easement
0:17:59 > 0:18:03# A place of concealment
0:18:03 > 0:18:05# The lavatory
0:18:06 > 0:18:10# Dunny, bog or restroom
0:18:10 > 0:18:14# John, can and khazi
0:18:14 > 0:18:17# It's the finale
0:18:17 > 0:18:20# Of yesterday's sausage
0:18:21 > 0:18:27# Then it's a flush, flush, farewell, my friends
0:18:27 > 0:18:29# You're going off around the bends
0:18:29 > 0:18:34# Round the bends and away, my friends
0:18:34 > 0:18:38# Straight to the bowels of the earth. #
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Farewell, my friends. Stay in touch.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48'And at number three, the time Mr Reeves hurled an employee
0:18:48 > 0:18:52'down a hole he had created in the middle of the Ministry.'
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Length-Wiiiiiidth! Length-Width, there you are.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59I wonder if you would be so kind as to help me conduct an experiment.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Mr Reeves, I would love to.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- OK, I would like you to take this, please.- OK.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Now, whaaargh...!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And don't forget to take a note of how long it takes!
0:19:12 > 0:19:20..aaargh...!
0:19:25 > 0:19:2842 minutes. Extraordinary.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- What the didgeree dunk's going on here?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Wait a minute. Captain Length-Width?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- I thought you were on holiday. - Mr Reeves, is that you?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38No, Mick Cleeves, mate.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Head of the Ministry of Curious Stuff, Australian branch.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43And you're not our Captain Length-Width.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I can tell by the peculiar Dutch accent you've got there.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Wait a minute, let me guess,
0:19:47 > 0:19:50you're a Captain Length-Width from another branch
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- and you fell through the centre of the Earth.- How did you know that?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56It happens more than you think, mate.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Let me introduce you to the rest of the team.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Over here, we've got Beach Patty. - G'day, mate.- Hello.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- Lockhead there.- All right.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07This lovely creature over here is Dingo Sniffer.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12- Get back to work, you flaming galahs.- That's my wife.- Is she?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Length-Width! Length-Width! Length-Width!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18'And Mr Reeves wasted much of the working day
0:20:18 > 0:20:20'shouting into a massive hole.'
0:20:20 > 0:20:24What are we going to do? We need to get that report book.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29Mr Reeves, I am at a loss. Although, no, it's too...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No, what were you going to say?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32- Well, there's...- What?
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- There's the experimental military bagpipes.- No!
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- I know it's a long shot. - But they're still in testing.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41I know they're not developed, Mr Reeves.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- What other choice have we got? - Desperate times. Desperate measures.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Bring the experimental bagpipes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49HE WHISTLES
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Bagpipes, come!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Bagpipes, come!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- Bagpipes, come! - Come, bagpipes, come!- Come!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Bagpipes, sit!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Bagpipes, sit!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Sit down!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- Sit, bagpipes, sit!- Sit!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05BAGPIPE MUSIC STOPS
0:21:05 > 0:21:08- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- Now, listen, Kenny. - What does Kenny stand for?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Nothing, that's just his name.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Listen, Kenny, we need you to fly up into that booth,
0:21:13 > 0:21:16fly up there and get the report book.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18BOTH: Bagpipes, fly!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20BAGPIPES PLAY BOTH: Bagpipes, fly.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25It's working! It's working! Millions of dollars of research.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Right, issue the command.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Bagpipes, retrieve the report book!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- It doesn't understand the command. - We have overloaded the circuit.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- He's going to blow. - He's going to blow!
0:21:42 > 0:21:44EXPLOSION!
0:21:44 > 0:21:49Oh-ho-ho! Nice try, Mr Reeves. You've really done it this time.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56'They just tried the experimental military bagpipes.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59'It didn't work.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02'At number two, it's bogeys.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05'I found a most interesting fact about Scarlett Johansson auctioning
0:22:05 > 0:22:09'her snotty hankie for charity and what did Mr Reeves do?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13'He spent all afternoon showing off his revolting bogey museum
0:22:13 > 0:22:16'and he brought it all back to the Ministry.'
0:22:18 > 0:22:21# Bogeys, bogeys, we love bogeys
0:22:21 > 0:22:26# Here at headquarters, we're supporters of bogeys
0:22:26 > 0:22:28# Sweet, sweet bogeys
0:22:30 > 0:22:34# Poke it and pick it, roll it and flick it, them bogeys
0:22:34 > 0:22:36# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey
0:22:38 > 0:22:39# Oh, yeah!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# Bogeys, bogeys, we love bogeys
0:22:44 > 0:22:48# Here at the Ministry, there's always possibility of bogeys
0:22:48 > 0:22:51# Sweet, sweet bogeys
0:22:52 > 0:22:57# Poke it and pick it, roll it and flick it, them bogeys
0:22:57 > 0:22:59# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey, yeah
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- # Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey - Ah, roll it!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- # Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey - We'll flick it!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey
0:23:08 > 0:23:09# Flip-flop, the bogey-wogey-bogey
0:23:09 > 0:23:12# Bogeys and snot balls, bigger than footballs
0:23:12 > 0:23:15# We'll get them cooked up by Heston Blumenthal
0:23:17 > 0:23:20# Bogeys! #
0:23:20 > 0:23:24'And on the top spot, when researching superpowers,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27'we found a super heat-generating monk
0:23:27 > 0:23:28'and a man with a super memory
0:23:28 > 0:23:32'but Mr Reeves unleashed his very own special power,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35'super ridiculousness.'
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Help, help.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Sounds like Grandpa Brown needs my help.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45You see, the truth is, by day I am the curious Vic Reeves
0:23:45 > 0:23:49but after 5:45, I become the superhero...
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- ..Bath Boy! - DRAMATIC VOICEOVER:- Bath Boy!
0:23:55 > 0:24:00Able to run a nice hot bath with one single turn of the tap.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And now to save Grandpa Brown.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Right, Grandpa Brown, let's get that heavy book off you
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- and you into a nice piping hot bath. - Stand back!
0:24:13 > 0:24:16This is a job for Captain Ham.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Able to locate the cheapest ham within a three-mile radius.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Now, out of my way!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Don't worry, I'll set you free
0:24:26 > 0:24:29and then I'll get you down to the corner shop on Essex Road.
0:24:29 > 0:24:3459p for 12 slices of wafer thin honey-glazed ham.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Hey, I was here first!
0:24:37 > 0:24:42Now, you look here, this man here doesn't need ham.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45What he needs is a nice piping hot bath.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- Never fear! - BATH BOY AND CAPTAIN HAM GASP
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Garment Boy is here, able to tell where you got your garments from.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Ooh, nice trousers. Sunday market down the High Street, am I right?
0:24:56 > 0:25:01- Now, look, we were here first.- Oh, what on earth are you both wearing?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04- This is a job for... - THEY ALL GASP
0:25:04 > 0:25:05..Doctor Sausage Pocket,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08the man with infinite pockets of sausages.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Want one? It's all right, I've got loads.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15ALL: We don't want your sausages! CAPTAIN HAM: We've already...
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Wait! Look!
0:25:18 > 0:25:22He's gone!
0:25:22 > 0:25:23But how did he get free?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26How did he get free?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29From Shovel Hands Woman. That's how.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Thanks, Shovel Hands Woman. You saved my life.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- How can I ever repay you? - You can tie my shoelaces for me.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40I don't stand a chance with these bad boys!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43THEY ALL LAUGH
0:25:43 > 0:25:49'And those are the top ten wrongdoings for your consideration.'
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- What are we going to do? - What you talking about?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Well, this canteen menu, I mean, there's nothing to eat in here.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- I am absolutely starving. - Well, it's not bad, really.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Look, for instance, here, a pompidoodle-cost.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- What's a pompidoodle-cost?- £2.50!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06THEY LAUGH
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Or look here. A dumpy-do. - What's a dumpy-do?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11It sits on the plate, looks at you till you eat it.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13THEY LAUGH
0:26:13 > 0:26:16But, seriously, we have to get that report book
0:26:16 > 0:26:20before she goes to see the Megaboss and gets us all fired.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- Mr Reeves!- I've not finished. - Mr Reeves!- Not now!- Oh, Mr Reeves!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- Not now!- She's gone!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29THEY GASP
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I finished my report early. I thought I'd take it to the Megaboss now.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37I wouldn't want anything to happen to it before it gets delivered.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40No, you wouldn't want anything to happen to that, would you? Oh!
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- I do apologise. So sorry. Here.- Thank you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I'll take this to the Megaboss right away.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53I have to say, this has been a pleasure.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Not! Ha-ha-ha!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- I'll see you two tomorrow. Ha-ha! - Good night.- Good night.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00- Good night.- Good night.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- We did it! Yes!- We did it! - Wooh-hooh!- Yes!
0:27:04 > 0:27:08- Hee-hee-hee! - The only problem now is,
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I've got no idea what to have for dinner.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- How about a pompidoodle-cost? - What's a pompidoodle-cost?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- About £2.50. - THEY LAUGH
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Thanks, everybody. Excellent work.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24We might just have a job to come back to in the morning.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Miss Bracegirdle is going to look pretty silly turning up
0:27:27 > 0:27:30at the Megaboss's office with a canteen menu and not a report book.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35She sure will, kid. She sure will.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Next time on the Ministry of Curious Stuff, Mr Reeves
0:27:38 > 0:27:42and Captain Length-Width come face-to-face with the Megaboss.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45You're the Megaboss?
0:27:45 > 0:27:47How will Bracegirdle present her report
0:27:47 > 0:27:49armed only with the canteen menu?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51For starters,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54prawn cocktail!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Will Mr Reeves and Captain Length-Width save the Ministry?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Probably not.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd