0:00:02 > 0:00:04PHONE RINGS
0:00:05 > 0:00:10Here at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff we explore any subject
0:00:10 > 0:00:13you desire and deliver top-quality curious facts.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20In hand, our dedicated team - Lovett, Teaparty,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24Frazernagle on the calls, Wannamaker in the walls
0:00:24 > 0:00:27and, of course, Captain Length-Width.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36That's Miss Bracegirdle.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39She has been sent by Head Office to investigate our work
0:00:39 > 0:00:41and compile a report.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44If we fail to impress, the Megaboss will shut the ministry down.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Let's not dillydally, there is lots to do.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Welcome to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Previously on The Ministry Of Curious Stuff...
0:00:59 > 0:01:02'Bracegirdle spent her last day finishing her report
0:01:02 > 0:01:03'for the Megaboss.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06'After several failed attempts to destroy it...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14'..Mr Reeves managed to swap the report.'
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Here.- Thank you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20'Bracegirdle has gone to the Megaboss armed only with the canteen menu.'
0:01:20 > 0:01:22We did it! Yes!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24'Is it enough to save the ministry?'
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- Good morning, Mr Reeves. - Morning, Mr Reeves.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34Would you like to hear the headlines, Mr Reeves?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Mr Reeves, what ever is the matter?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Well, today is the day I have to go and face the Megaboss
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and if Bracegirdle has her way, then we are all fired
0:01:41 > 0:01:42and the ministry is shut down.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Yes, but she won't be quite so dangerous without her report.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Ah, yes.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49PHONE RINGS
0:01:49 > 0:01:50That will be the Megaboss.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Hello, sir.- 'Mr Reeves, is that you?'- Is that you, Length-Width?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- Yes, it's me. - What are you doing on the line?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Well, I know you're expecting a very important call from the Megaboss
0:02:04 > 0:02:07so I thought I would just check the phone line was working.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Yes, well, get off the line, thank you.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12OK, thank you, bye-bye, see you soon. Bye.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15PHONE RINGS
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Will you get off the line, you turnip!
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Er, hello, sir.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Yes, I'll be there right away. Yes, thank you.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Wish me luck.- Good luck.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It has been a great honour to have worked for you, Mr Reeves.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Thanks a lot, Lovett. Come on.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47Glad to see you and your pet have decided to turn up at long last.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You will be pleased to hear that I have got my report here.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55Yes, well, I'm sure the Megaboss will be very interested to see that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56Oh, he will.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58- DEEP MENACING VOICE:- When you've quite finished.
0:02:59 > 0:03:05I've been waiting for this moment for a long time, Victor Reeves.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Isn't that the boy from the space bedroom?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15The smallest NASA specialist in the world.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Ken Millet, you are the Megaboss?!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- DEEP MENACING VOICE:- The world's smallest...
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- LITTLE BOY'S VOICE:- ..Megaboss.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- I don't believe it.- Well, it's true.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Now, Victor Reeves, it is time for me to hear this report.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30If I find out you haven't been doing your job,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34- I will have no choice but to close the ministry down.- Yes!
0:03:36 > 0:03:40- Sorry, what did he say? I wasn't listening.- Let's get this over with.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Shall I begin?
0:03:43 > 0:03:47For starters, prawn cocktail.
0:03:47 > 0:03:52Soup of the day, carrot and coriander...
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- No!- Is this a joke?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Where is my precious report?
0:03:58 > 0:04:02It looks like someone hasn't done their homework.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06This isn't the report I slaved over. This is the ministry canteen menu.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Oh, Miss Bracegirdle, I'm shocked.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Right. Well, seeing as we have got nothing to talk about,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I'm sure the Megaboss has got much better things to be...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Sit down, Victor!
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Bracegirdle, I'm sure we can do without the report.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Start talking...and put me down for soup of the day.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Yes, Mr Megaboss.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29Where shall I begin?
0:04:32 > 0:04:36We were researching smells and had just discovered that ambergris,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40or whale vomit, was used in perfumes and aftershaves.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Are you telling me that there is whale sick in my Growl For Men?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I need to investigate this further. Back in a jiffy.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54- He just ran off, Mr Megaboss.- I was going to find out about ambergris.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58As I said, Mr Megaboss, he disappeared from the workplace.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- It was research! - Really? Or shopping?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Oh, hello, sir, my name is Grace.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08Vic Reeves, Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12Oh, yeah, you'd have to speak to my supervisor, Vince. Vince!
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- How may I be of assistance today, madam?- Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24- Ah.- Is it true you have been using whale sick in your perfumes
0:05:24 > 0:05:25and aftershaves?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Indeed it is, sir, but ambergris, or whale vomit,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31has been used in perfumes for years.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- It makes the scent of the perfume last longer.- Do you use it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Don't be daft, I'm a whale. It's whale sick, it's disgusting.
0:05:39 > 0:05:44- It makes me want to vomit! - Interesting. It gives me an idea.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49- Thanks for your time, sir.- And we know what that idea was, don't we?
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- A gift for you, Miss Bracegirdle. - Are you floating?
0:05:53 > 0:05:58- Yeah, it's mad, isn't it?- Thanks, Mr Reeves, you shouldn't have.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03- No, you shouldn't have.- It's ambergris, it's the latest pong.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Oh, let's have a smell.
0:06:05 > 0:06:11- It's actually rather nice.- Yes, it's whale sick.- What? Whale sick?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14He said it's WELL sick. You know, like the young people say?
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- It's well good, you know. - I don't take bribes, now float off.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Don't think I've forgotten that and there is more. Have a look at this.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29That chair was thought to be used by men guarding 10 Downing Street
0:06:29 > 0:06:30in the 19th century.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33They had hot coals under the seat to keep them warm.
0:06:33 > 0:06:38These two decided to make their own chairs and waste ministry time.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Captain Length-Width, what are your first impressions of the chair?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I've got to say I'm liking it, Mr Reeves.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49It's warm, it's comfortable and it is a real conversation piece.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50What about you?
0:06:50 > 0:06:56The thing I like about it the most is that you can do this.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58HORN HONKS
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Get out.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03Yeah, I know what you mean, that's my favourite bit too.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05HORN BLARES
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Get out, yourself.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10HORN HONKS
0:07:10 > 0:07:12HORN BLARES
0:07:12 > 0:07:14HORN HONKS
0:07:14 > 0:07:16HORN BLARES
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Yes, all right, we get the idea.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21You've both got big loud horns. Very good. Well done.
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- Shall we get on with some work? - Yes, of course, carry on.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Right. So, let me tell you, did you know that Downing Street...?
0:07:28 > 0:07:33HORNS DROWN OUT MISS BRACEGIRDLE
0:07:33 > 0:07:34Did you know...?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Right, that's it!
0:07:40 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:57- Playtime is over.- Spoilsport. - See what I mean, Mr Megaboss?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Total clowns. Honestly, I don't know how they manage to
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- tie their shoelaces in the morning. - I find slip-ons easiest.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09- I actually just go without laces. - Nice.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Seriously though, let's get on with it.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Oh, I've got plenty more, Mr Megaboss.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Mr Reeves is always taking risks.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22That's the Koh-i-Noor Diamond that sits in the Queen's crown
0:08:22 > 0:08:26and was said to hold a curse for any man who wears it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- I say, I really, really want it. - Yeah, well, you can't have it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- But I want it.- Can't have it!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Come on, let's get out of here
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- before we both do something we regret.- Yes, yes.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Don't look at it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Well, that was lovely, wasn't it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Whoa! What's that doing on your head?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- Well, I made it quite clear that I wanted it.- What about the curse?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48Oh, don't be...
0:08:52 > 0:08:56- What curse?- We're going to have to get rid of that diamond.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58They should have taken it back, Mr Megaboss,
0:08:58 > 0:09:02but they tried to palm it off on some man called Trevor.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04BOTH: Hoi-hoi, Trevor.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- All right, lads, how you doing? - Trevor, you are a market tradesman,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11- would swap a kestrel for that massive diamond?- Are you joking?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15A kestrel for a diamond, mate? Not a chance.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26# Diamonds aren't for Trevor
0:09:26 > 0:09:30# He finds them unappealing
0:09:32 > 0:09:37# Boring, not worth stealing
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# He says they are just gravel
0:09:41 > 0:09:46# With no right to dazzle the ladies
0:09:50 > 0:09:54# Diamonds aren't for Trevor
0:09:54 > 0:09:58# He says they are jumped-up little pebbles
0:10:00 > 0:10:04# Trevor prefers kestrels
0:10:04 > 0:10:10# And this is why... #
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- Hey, isn't that you, Bracegirdle? - Don't be ridiculous.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16# ..Trevor, the grocer from Leicester
0:10:16 > 0:10:23# Has never and never will wed. #
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And that's not all.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I think you're going to want to see this, Mr Megaboss.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37- They think they are so clever but nothing gets past me.- A party?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Wheesht, lad!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41- HE WHISPERS:- Don't tell Bracegirdle that we're having a party
0:10:41 > 0:10:47- in the ministry or we will all be in big trouble.- Got it.- Good.
0:10:47 > 0:10:53- Mr Reeves, what are you whispering about?- We are having a party later.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59- Oh, are we having a party? - Wheesht, lass!
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- HE WHISPERS:- We're having a party later but don't let Bracegirdle know
0:11:03 > 0:11:05or we will all be in big trouble.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10- SHE WHISPERS:- Oh, right. Hurray.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- SHE WHISPERS:- Mr Reeves?
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- HE WHISPERS:- Yes, mistress? - SHE WHISPERS:- I can hear you.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19- Pardon?- I said I can hear you.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23And you mark my words, if you throw a party on ministry property,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25there will be big trouble.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30- But, of course, you went ahead and had a party.- It wasn't a party.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- HE WHISPERS:- It IS a party.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Oh, but, Mr Reeves, we learned quite a lot at that party.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Yeah, you are right, Length-Width,
0:11:38 > 0:11:41we learned that burping after eating in the Far East is polite.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45THEY BURP
0:11:45 > 0:11:46And in the 16th century,
0:11:46 > 0:11:50the Church told people to use their natural fork - the hand.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Right. Well, I'll leave him to it then.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55He's from the 16th century.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57And that it is good manners in China
0:11:57 > 0:12:01to refuse a second helping several times before accepting it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06Leave this one to me. Mr Confucius, would you like some more meatballs?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- No.- Would you like some more meatballs?- No.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09- Would you like some more meatballs? - No.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- Would you like some more meatballs?- No.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12- Would you like some more meatballs?- No.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Would you like some more meatballs?- No.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Right, that's it, party's over, I think we've all had enough
0:12:17 > 0:12:19meatballs and it has ruined the atmosphere.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21They also ruined things
0:12:21 > 0:12:24for this next visitor to the ministry, Mr Megaboss.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- DOORBELL RINGS - Head teacher, arriving in X1.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30When a craze for saying a certain word swept through a school
0:12:30 > 0:12:35in Massachusetts, this head teacher banned pupils from using it.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Hello.- Hello. - It just got out of hand.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40They were saying this irritating word every minute of every day
0:12:40 > 0:12:45but I said it's my school and my rules, so I banned it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Just in time, believe me,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49because after a while, these kids just saying this word again
0:12:49 > 0:12:53and again and again and again and again and again,
0:12:53 > 0:12:58it had started to drive some of the teachers round the bend. But not me.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00MANIC LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- So what was the word? - The word was...
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- The word was meep.- Meep.- Meep?
0:13:06 > 0:13:07- Yes.- And what does meep mean?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- I don't think meep...- Meep.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12..m-m-meeps anything, I mean, means anything.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Meep.- Why say meep?- Meep.- Meep.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Could you ask your staff not to use that word, please?
0:13:23 > 0:13:28Yes, of course I could. Could everybody stop saying meep, please?
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Nobody say meep any more. Although it is rather fun saying it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Meep, meep. It is a lot of fun actually.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Meep.- Meep.- Meep.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I find it very irritating.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Meep.- Meep.- Meep. - Meep.- Meep.- Meep.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Stop it!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Stop saying that silly word!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51OK, right, this is not looking impressive
0:13:51 > 0:13:55but have you seen our curiously clever kids?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Hello, everyone!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00We found out that world-famous composer Mozart
0:14:00 > 0:14:03started writing music when he was five.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- All right, mini-Mozart, what are you up to?- Just knocking up a new song!
0:14:07 > 0:14:13- Lovely!- Do you want me to write you a song?- Me? Really?
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- Sure, give me a subject. - Uh...cupcakes.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22# Cupcakes, cupcakes We love the taste of cupcakes! #
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Absolute genius!
0:14:24 > 0:14:29And there was the child who performed his first surgery
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- aged seven.- Tropical juice.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Now that's impressive, eh?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39No, have a look at this.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42It wasn't very impressive when you left the Ministry
0:14:42 > 0:14:46and took over the phone line run by the world's youngest agony aunt!
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Go bowling and have a hot mug of milk. Thanks for calling!
0:14:50 > 0:14:55- Hi, I'm Vic Reeves and I wondered if...- I will call you back.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Go on then, shoot, what is the problem?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01- Great, you see, there is this woman where I work...- Uh-huh, yeah.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04She has got it in for me. She treats me like an idiot.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Uh...huh.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09I just wondered if you knew what to do to get her off my case.
0:15:09 > 0:15:15- Go bowling and have a hot mug of milk.- How is that going to help?
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Ooh, is that the time? Do us a favour, fill in for us,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- could you? Cheers.- I'm not qualified!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Just tell them to go bowling and have a hot mug of milk,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28that usually does the trick.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- Thanks, bye!- But...
0:15:32 > 0:15:34What does all this lot do then?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37RINGING
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Hello, yes, I have just eaten my boss's secret biscuit collection.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51How can I reverse time so it never actually happened?
0:15:51 > 0:15:56- Um...go bowling and have a hot cup of milk?- Thank you.
0:16:01 > 0:16:02RINGING
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Yes, I'm worried that the people I work with have started to notice
0:16:10 > 0:16:13that I don't actually have a real moustache. What can I do?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Well, the best thing to do is probably go bowling
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and have a hot mug of milk.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19OK, thank you.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21RINGING
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Hello, Elena Hotline, how can I help you?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- I have a very serious problem. - And what is that?
0:16:28 > 0:16:32If you don't get back here sooner than immediately
0:16:32 > 0:16:34it is going in the report!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37And what did he do when he got back to work, Mr Megaboss?
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# The children are the future
0:16:48 > 0:16:50# We'll have massive hats and pointed shoes
0:16:50 > 0:16:54# Kids from time to come have magnetic hands, let me introduce
0:16:54 > 0:16:58# A child from tomorrow, yeah
0:16:58 > 0:16:59# Look at them run
0:17:02 > 0:17:06# A child of the future Played flutes made from sausages
0:17:06 > 0:17:10# Wear clothes made from pottery And ride around on ostriches
0:17:10 > 0:17:13# A child from tomorrow, yeah
0:17:13 > 0:17:18# The children are the future, yeah
0:17:18 > 0:17:22# There's nothing that we can do
0:17:22 > 0:17:26# It's the future of me and you
0:17:26 > 0:17:28# They've got massive hats
0:17:28 > 0:17:34# And pointed shoes!
0:17:34 > 0:17:38# Children are the future, yeah! #
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And the chaos doesn't end there. Just look at this.
0:17:43 > 0:17:48We get a visit from the Queen and this is how it is handled.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Jam sandwiches.- Over there, Mr Reeves.- Excellent. Red carpet?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Check. I have just finished painting the blue one red.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58How exciting, I can't believe that we are actually going to meet
0:17:58 > 0:18:01the Queen. This is the most exciting day of my life.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Actually, the second most exciting day of my life.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06There was this one time making the marvellous pie...
0:18:06 > 0:18:08TRUMPET FANFARE
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Right, she is here, everybody stay calm.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16'This is Her Majesty's inaugural visit to the Ministry.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18'Let's hope this goes well.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22'She has been greeted by the Minister Of Curious Stuff, Mr Reeves.
0:18:22 > 0:18:27'Renowned for being peculiar, as you can see.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32'Oh dear, moving her handbag there to signal that she is ready to move on.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36'Ah, there is the very stylish Miss Teaparty.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41'The handbag arm switch again. Showing Her Majesty has had enough.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43'Next is Mr Lovett,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46'a senior researcher at the Ministry Of Curious Stuff.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49'And if I am not much mistaken, yes,
0:18:49 > 0:18:53'that is the handbag code for "feed me jam."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57'I am not sure who this next person is,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59'but he does seem very enthusiastic.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03'Oh dear, wafting the handbag, looking at my codebook,
0:19:03 > 0:19:07'it signals the smell of onions. Yes, the Minister is confirming it there.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12'And just at the end there, Captain Norman Length-Width,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14'I am not sure what he is captain of exactly.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18'Oh, it is the handbag windmill. This is a disaster.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20'A footman clearly angry there.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23'Yes, that is the Queen very quickly whisked away.'
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- What's all that about?- I don't know, Mr Reeves, what does that mean?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I don't know, I will look in the
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Queen's secret handbag codebook to find out.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38It says here, "I am offended by that man's trousers."
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Whose trousers?
0:19:39 > 0:19:44It couldn't be my trouser, cos I don't know if any of you have noticed
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- but I am not wearing any trousers.- I know, shocking!
0:19:48 > 0:19:49And I think you will be
0:19:49 > 0:19:54particularly interested in this piece of evidence.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Offending Royalty is one thing,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01but spreading rumours about my bodily aromas was quite another.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07This graffiti needs sorting out and if you don't do it, I will.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- The culprit must be found. - All right!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- IN AMERICAN ACCENT:- I am Chief Detective Fowler
0:20:14 > 0:20:17of the Leeds, Lowestoft and Los Angeles NYPD.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I hear there has been a dirty crime committed here.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Let me see the offence in question.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Ah, this appears to be the work of Sleep Doodler.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Due to my investigations,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I can confirm that the Sleep Doodler is in fact...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40..somebody in this room.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Paint!- Or is it?
0:20:45 > 0:20:51Further investigation reveals that this is not paint, but gravy.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52Gravy?
0:20:52 > 0:20:57Yes, in a shocking twist, I can reveal that the Sleep Doodler
0:20:57 > 0:21:00is also a sleepy chef.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Someone who cooks in the night!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10I am not a midnight chef, you have no proof.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oh, yeah? How about this, taken last night?
0:21:21 > 0:21:23AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, you've got me!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I'll come clean. I'm the Midnight Chef!
0:21:25 > 0:21:26I cook when I am asleep.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Breakfast, lunch, a steak dinner - you name it, I've cooked it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I had to!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Why are you American?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It just seemed appropriate because of...
0:21:37 > 0:21:42A-ha! I knew it! I told you it was him! Case closed, Mr Megaboss.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Don't stop there, Bracegirdle. There is more. Look!
0:21:48 > 0:21:51You are absolutely right.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Apart for one thing.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55ALL: What?
0:21:55 > 0:21:57You are absolutely and completely wrong.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Who did it then?- Somebody who has been under our nose this whole time.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05ALL: Who?
0:22:06 > 0:22:11- You!- Ha-ha-ha! All, right, OK!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13SHE SCREAMS
0:22:13 > 0:22:15And what makes you think I would climb a ladder
0:22:15 > 0:22:21- and write offensive graffiti about myself in my sleep?- Well, this!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33That's a fake! Camera trickery, special effects!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35The paintbrush is still in your hand!
0:22:37 > 0:22:43- All lies!- It is true, Mr Megaboss! - Really! Mr Reeves!- Look!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Do you think we have bored him to death?- Miss Bracegirdle probably has.
0:22:49 > 0:22:54- He's having his nap, you fools! - Did I nod off?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- It is listening to you lot yakking on.- She started it.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- I most certainly did not.- It was him then.- Now you look here!
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Here they go again.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06# Now you look here!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Now you look here!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12# I've been suffering your shenanigans for years!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- # Now you look here! - Now you look here!
0:23:15 > 0:23:19# My salary is a decade in arrears!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21# Now you look here!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23# Now you look here!
0:23:23 > 0:23:27# You're a proper stinker I do declare!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- # Now you look here - Now you look here!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34# Why do you have to be so cavalier?
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- # Now you look here - Now you look here!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56# I couldn't find a better friend elsewhere!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- # Now you look here - Now you look here!
0:24:00 > 0:24:04# Let's dance away the days like Fred Astaire! #
0:24:17 > 0:24:18Where's he gone?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Playtime.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Right, you horrible lot! I've got a deal with the Spanish Ambassador,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29a financial crisis to sort out
0:24:29 > 0:24:33and then I've got dinner with the Prime Minister,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35so let's get this all over with!
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Don't worry, Mr Megaboss, this won't take too much longer!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Where do you get off being so mean?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Where do you get off being so bad at your job?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Now you look here! He may be average at his job, but bad he is not!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- No, I disagree. - What do you mean "average"?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52- Well, you are.- Average? - You are average!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Enough!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I've had it up to here with all of you!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00You come in here, start bickering like school kids,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03you've given me a right headache
0:25:03 > 0:25:07and that is gonna ruin the dinner with the Prime Minister!
0:25:07 > 0:25:08ALL: Sorry, Mr Megaboss.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11It's too late for sorries, I've had enough!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14I'm going to have to close the Ministry down!
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Now, look,
0:25:17 > 0:25:20we may horse around, and we may mess about,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24and I'll be the first to admit that I'm a total waste of money.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26- We aren't paying him, are we? - No, no, no.
0:25:26 > 0:25:31But amongst all the joking, the jesting and the japing about,
0:25:31 > 0:25:36we do actually discover some wonderfully curious stuff.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Take a look at this.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41Did you know that King Charles XIII of France had a toilet built
0:25:41 > 0:25:44under his throne, to receive visitors while he was using it?
0:25:44 > 0:25:48And at 115 decibels, a baby's cry is louder than a car horn!
0:25:48 > 0:25:51A bear's sense of smell is 2,000 times better than a human's
0:25:51 > 0:25:53and in the Middle Ages in Germany,
0:25:53 > 0:25:55people believed kissing a donkey relieved toothache!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Did you know that Prince Charles is a member of the Magic Circle?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00The tooth-mouse collects children's teeth in parts of Europe,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02and if there was a tunnel through the centre of the Earth,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04it would take 42 minutes to travel from one end to the other?
0:26:04 > 0:26:08The biggest diamond in the universe is 4,000 kilometres wide!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10It's a white dwarf star called Lucy.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Some people climb dangerous heights in their sleep.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Ancient Romans had their armpits plucked,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and Great Barrier pearl fish can live in a sea cucumber's bottom!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Thanks to Mr Reeves, we now know
0:26:18 > 0:26:21the Japanese used to have trumping competitions,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23the speed of a sneeze is faster than a cheetah,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26and the footprints on the moon are still there after 40 years
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and they could be there for a million more!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33And that's all thanks to the Ministry Of Curious Stuff!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Wow! That sure is a lot of curious stuff!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I'm impressed, Captain Length-Width!
0:26:38 > 0:26:43Mr Reeves, you are a genius when it comes to the strange and peculiar.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Bracegirdle, you should stick with these two!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49You could learn a lot, kid!
0:26:49 > 0:26:54I'm pleased to announce that the Ministry will remain open.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Congratulations!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57CHEERING
0:27:09 > 0:27:11You're gonna love this!
0:27:11 > 0:27:15# Onwards and up we go Riding on a golden glow together
0:27:15 > 0:27:19# We'll find a way From Easter Island to Bombay... #
0:27:23 > 0:27:26THEY SHOUT
0:27:26 > 0:27:27What?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# ..Upwards and on and on By the grace of the sun
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Do remember
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# It's one for all and all for one! #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Hello, I'm Ian Badminton!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42What on earth are you both wearing?
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Get back to work, you flamin' galahs!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd