0:00:02 > 0:00:05Arguments. They can happen in any home, in any family -
0:00:05 > 0:00:07maybe even yours.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10It's normal for grown-ups in the family to argue sometimes.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12But what happens when the bickering doesn't stop,
0:00:12 > 0:00:15when things become really nasty?
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Even violent?
0:00:16 > 0:00:19It's known as domestic abuse or domestic violence,
0:00:19 > 0:00:23and more often than not, it happens behind closed doors.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36My parents argued all the time when I was a kid
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and it made me feel upset and unsettled, but it's something
0:00:40 > 0:00:42that happens in all families.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Grown-ups get tired, stressed about work and a bit grumpy.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Although it can be a bit upsetting, it's just a part of family life.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54Adults know it's not nice to argue, and usually know when to stop.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Domestic abuse is different.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59That's when an adult deliberately hurts or bullies
0:00:59 > 0:01:01a grown-up in the family, or someone they went out with.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04I know this happens between adults but that doesn't mean
0:01:04 > 0:01:06that children aren't affected by it.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09We know that hundreds of thousands of children witness grown-ups
0:01:09 > 0:01:13in their lives hurting each other with words or violence every year.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15It can happen to anyone.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Today, Alesha Dixon is a pop star and top judge
0:01:21 > 0:01:24on TV talent shows, but when she was little,
0:01:24 > 0:01:26she witnessed domestic violence first hand.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31I remember walking in the house and my mum had a black eye,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33and I remember saying to my mum,
0:01:33 > 0:01:38and I don't know why I asked the question because I knew the answer,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41but I still said, "How did you get that black eye?"
0:01:41 > 0:01:44My mum said that she banged her head on the side of a cupboard.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I knew that she was lying, she didn't know what else to say.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48She was obviously embarrassed.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I remember as a child being annoyed with the fact that she lied
0:01:51 > 0:01:54when my brother and I could blatantly see what was going on.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58My experience of domestic violence
0:01:58 > 0:02:01started when I was about seven or eight years old
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and went on for about two or three years.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It was my mum who experienced the violence and my brother and I
0:02:08 > 0:02:11were aware that it was going on, and on occasion,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14we also saw some of the violence too.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Me and my brother definitely were scared.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24I think not knowing what could happen from one day to the next,
0:02:24 > 0:02:29you're constantly living on edge. It just affects everything.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It affects your schoolwork, your mood, how you feel.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36You're constantly worried - CONSTANTLY worried - for your mum.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38You feel a mixture of feelings.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43You feel angry, you feel frustrated, you feel scared, you feel hurt.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44You feel all sorts of things.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49It's a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders as a young child, you know?
0:02:49 > 0:02:54I remember coming home one day and my mum's ex-partner had left the house.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55He'd gone.
0:02:55 > 0:03:00I'm thankful that my mum was strong enough to put an end to it.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04There's a lot of people that keep this closed.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06A lot of people don't say anything.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I would encourage people to talk, to say things.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12Tell a friend, tell a teacher. Even if you've got the courage,
0:03:12 > 0:03:13pick up the phone and call the police.
0:03:13 > 0:03:19The more people that know, the more chance you have of ending it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Honestly, hand on heart, I don't know another way for a violent situation
0:03:23 > 0:03:26to end unless somebody has the courage to say something.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32It definitely took me a long, long time to heal
0:03:32 > 0:03:34and deal with the things I saw.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38I remember being, teenage years becoming an adult
0:03:38 > 0:03:42and still being haunted by that vision of my mum being attacked,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45and I've definitely worked through it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49I'm definitely at a point now where I can hopefully help other people
0:03:49 > 0:03:51that are in that situation,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53people that have been through that situation,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56and say, look, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59You can live a great life. You can have a fantastic life.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03You can have healthy relationships, but it takes time,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05nothing happens overnight.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Because domestic abuse happens behind closed doors at home,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13people often find it difficult to tell people about it.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Even for someone as famous as Alesha,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17it's still not easy to talk about.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20For kids going through this kind of thing though,
0:04:20 > 0:04:21there are people who can help.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Holly and Dean's mum was beaten up by her ex-boyfriend for years,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and when things got really bad, the children would call the police.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30We've changed their names and disguised their voices
0:04:30 > 0:04:31for their safety.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36He was nice at first, everything was fine,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40but then when we had another child together, that's when he changed.
0:04:40 > 0:04:44The violence started then. Just overnight it happened.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I never expected it.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51He used to attack my mum, strangle her, hitting her.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52There was screaming all the time.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It went on for about six or seven years, constantly.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I hated my mum's ex-boyfriend because he would hurt my mum
0:05:03 > 0:05:06and jump on her, throw her about and everything.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08He'd do it in front of us.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12As they got older and the years went by,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15he didn't care if he did it in front of the children.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Mainly it was in the house, behind closed doors.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Police emergency.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21My mum's boyfriend's being aggressive.
0:05:21 > 0:05:27I was in my bedroom and it was the early hours of the morning.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I heard all the shouting so I'd woken up.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32He's completely trashed the place.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38He used to hit me. He'd lock the doors so I couldn't get out.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41He'd take my phone off me so I wasn't able to phone no-one.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45He'd just try and keep me cornered until he decided that he'd finished.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49I knew to call them because mum was shouting.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53"Stop it, get off me!" and "You're hurting me!"
0:05:53 > 0:05:55The police are on the way already.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58There's a couple of police officers on the way, all right?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00They were telling me to calm down
0:06:00 > 0:06:03and stay on the phone and just tell them what's happening.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06All right, you're doing really, really well there.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I'll stay with you until they actually arrive.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12When the police came, it would make the children feel safer
0:06:12 > 0:06:14for a bit, but Holly and Dean knew
0:06:14 > 0:06:16if things were really going to get better,
0:06:16 > 0:06:21their mum had to put an end to her violent relationship for good.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26I wanted her to leave him because of how vicious he was,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30but I knew she didn't because she loved him and he got into her head.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35I said, "If you don't end it with him, I'm going.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38"I can't stay here with this any more,"
0:06:38 > 0:06:40and that's when she finally left him.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Now I'm out of it and I look back,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I think, "Why the hell did I do that?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:49"Why have I put up with it for so many years?"
0:06:49 > 0:06:52But you do, and I don't know. I can't really say why.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Now Mum's ex has left, it's a happier place.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58I do feel safer. I'm not as jumpy, but I still worry.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01We are really close now, do more family things together
0:07:01 > 0:07:05because he never wanted to do anything.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07We go walking every Sunday somewhere nice.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10There's loads of nice places round here to go walking,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13in the hills and in the mud.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16There's just loads of things to look forward to now.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17It's like a new start.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21There's nothing stopping us from being a family again.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Holly and her family are slowly getting their lives back together.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27The police often get involved in cases of domestic violence
0:07:27 > 0:07:29so I wanted to find out what actually happens
0:07:29 > 0:07:31when a 999 call comes through.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35It's Friday night and I'm spending some time
0:07:35 > 0:07:38with the Metropolitan Police here in London to see just how many
0:07:38 > 0:07:41homes they are called to to deal with domestic incidents.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45In fact, one of the most common reasons people dial 999
0:07:45 > 0:07:49is because they are being threatened or attacked by a member of their family.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55I don't have to wait long before we're on the move.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57It's estimated that across the country,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01someone calls the police about domestic violence every minute.
0:08:01 > 0:08:02The neighbours have heard
0:08:02 > 0:08:04screaming and shouting coming from the flat.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07That's about all we know at the moment.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13The police officers hadn't been on duty for even a minute
0:08:13 > 0:08:16before they got the first call of domestic violence.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18We're just waiting for them
0:08:18 > 0:08:20to come out and tell us what happened.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's just an argument,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25so there's nothing for anyone to be arrested for.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29There's no children in the flat, they were just by themselves.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Quite often, there are children in the homes police are called to.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I guess, understandably, if children are witnessing
0:08:35 > 0:08:37domestic violence, it would be difficult
0:08:37 > 0:08:39to pick up the phone and call the police.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Calling police is the right thing to do
0:08:41 > 0:08:45and their parents don't need to know it was them calling.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48When we arrive, we can say it was a neighbour,
0:08:48 > 0:08:50somebody that heard screaming and shouting.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Another call to the police has come in.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- Andy, where are we heading now? - To another domestic.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Male and female, both drunk, as far as we know.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00There really is no messing about.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03If there's any call that comes through of domestic violence
0:09:03 > 0:09:05the sirens are on and they're there.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11First on scene and we'll go out and find out what's going on.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16It's kind of strange standing here, wondering what's going on in there,
0:09:16 > 0:09:20because you get a real sense of what the police have got to do.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22They're in a house at the moment, they're in a flat,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26dealing with this domestic incident, yet there are so many other windows
0:09:26 > 0:09:28and so many things happening behind them,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32that we're just not aware of until you get that call on the radio.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34It's an eye-opener how big the problem of domestic violence is
0:09:34 > 0:09:37in just one part of one city.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41This call-out is more serious than the last
0:09:41 > 0:09:43and the police have called for back-up.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46OK, what we've had here is a male and female within a relationship.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49They've had an argument and he's picked up a picture and an ornament
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and thrown it around the flat so he's been arrested.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55This is the kind of thing that you see on a regular basis?
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Oh, yeah. This is very typical of a domestic violence call that we get.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02It's crazy, isn't it?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10When you are part of a family where fighting takes place,
0:10:10 > 0:10:12it can seem like the grown-ups are never going to change.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Sometimes, they do.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Connor's dad realised that his behaviour was wrong
0:10:17 > 0:10:20and was so ashamed of himself, he decided to do something about it.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23We've hidden their identities to protect the family
0:10:23 > 0:10:25as they start their new life.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It could happen anywhere, anytime.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33The smallest of things could set me off.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Even just being asked a question, I would be too busy
0:10:36 > 0:10:42doing what I was doing and I would go into a rage and mouth off.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46The arguing was, like, really high pitched.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Lots and lots of shouting.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52You always used to be lonely.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57We did get locked in our room with a little bit of string round the door.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00We always used to try and get out
0:11:00 > 0:11:06because before my mum said that we used to...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09walk out in the living room and play around
0:11:09 > 0:11:13and then Dad didn't like it so he put a piece of string round the door.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16They had no lives whatsoever
0:11:16 > 0:11:20so everybody in the household was walking on eggshells.
0:11:20 > 0:11:24I was like a ticking time bomb, really waiting to go off.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I never knew what was going on.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33I didn't know what was going to happen next or anything.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I would just be sat on my bed or something just playing on DS,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39ignoring it.
0:11:40 > 0:11:46The argument at home made me behave bad like my dad.
0:11:46 > 0:11:52I was always bullying other children, shouting at them.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Being angry with a woman or a child
0:11:56 > 0:12:00would be a way of pulling them down to my level.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02It's almost a punishment.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05This is how I felt. This is how you should feel.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09I thought it was my fault sometimes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I always got shouted at and stuff.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It wasn't my fault.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Everybody got smacked and screamed and shouted at
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and I thought it was all normal.
0:12:22 > 0:12:28My dad told me that "I got far worse than that."
0:12:28 > 0:12:34I thought it was acceptable, and it's not acceptable. Not at all.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Connor's dad knew what he was doing was wrong and that it had to stop,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40so he found the right people to help him change his behaviour.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42He said he was going to change
0:12:42 > 0:12:45and I didn't believe him at the time
0:12:45 > 0:12:47but then he actually did.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I could see a pattern.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I lost my wife, I thought I don't want to lose my partner
0:12:54 > 0:12:57and I didn't want to lose my children.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59That's why I wanted the help.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I feel ashamed of what I've done
0:13:02 > 0:13:06and it makes you feel sick to your stomach to think of the way I was.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12He's really, really much better.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I want to move on and just keep doing well.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Nothing's perfect but it's 1,000 times better than what it was.
0:13:20 > 0:13:26My dad is the most important part of my family.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31I'm pleased that he's changed and I'm just happy.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's really tough to talk about domestic violence.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It's something most adults just don't want to discuss,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47but the stories of Holly and Dean, Connor and his dad, and Alesha,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50show us there are ways to get through it.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52If domestic violence is happening in your family,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54there are people who can help.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Don't be afraid to ask an adult you trust for help.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59More information is on the Newsround website.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02And remember, all families argue sometimes,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05but domestic violence is different.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I would encourage people to talk, to say things.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Tell a friend, tell a teacher, because the more people that know,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14the more chance you have of ending it.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd