0:00:04 > 0:00:06# Time is running out
0:00:06 > 0:00:09# Stories to be found
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# What's it all about?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# Got to go and check around
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# If there's a rumour going round
0:00:17 > 0:00:18# Don't you forget it
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# Whenever something's going down
0:00:22 > 0:00:24# Got to get that scoop
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Got to get that scoop
0:00:27 > 0:00:29# Got to get that scoop
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# Got to get that S-C-O-O-P! #
0:00:34 > 0:00:36HE SNORES
0:00:46 > 0:00:47ALARM BEEPS
0:00:51 > 0:00:52HE GRUNTS
0:00:52 > 0:00:54COMPUTER BEEPS
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Paper boy!
0:01:38 > 0:01:40BIG CAT ROARS
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Ah!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56HE CLATTERS DOWN THE STAIRS
0:02:34 > 0:02:37One of these days, Hacker, I will read a paper without
0:02:37 > 0:02:41having to put it through a tumble dryer first.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45What? "Rare Bird Frightened off by Bird-Brain"?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47It took me four hours to climb that hill
0:02:47 > 0:02:49to get a shot of the great crested groob.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Admittedly the hill was only 15 ft high,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55but I was carrying a lot of weight at the time.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58No! Bird-watching equipment.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02TV: 'This evening, children's author TK Towling
0:03:02 > 0:03:05'will be reading from her latest book,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- 'Billy Watson and the Martian Magician.'- TK Towling! Wow!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- I'm her biggest fan. - 'The plot is a secret.
0:03:13 > 0:03:18'In fact, only one copy has so far been printed.'
0:03:18 > 0:03:22One copy, eh, Hacker? What a publicity stunt.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25The reporter who gets his hands on that book
0:03:25 > 0:03:29will have the scoop of the century. Argh!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I'm her biggest fan.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35I've got all of her Billy Watson stuff. Look at this.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Isn't that something?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Amazing eyes.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45Impressive coat.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Hard to believe it's just a bundle of plastic and wires.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- HE PANTS - Oh, well. Another day,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53another front-page story.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Come on, Mr De Lacey.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58He's going to phone any minute now, Hacker.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, he will. I know he will.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02I tell you what,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I'll phone him, just to check that he's going to phone me.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15- PHONE RINGS De Lacey?- Morning, sir!- Ah, Digworth.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19I see your great chump has made the front page again.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Thank you, sir. I do my best.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25You look completely out of condition in this photograph.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- To make it big you need to be healthy, like me.- Yes, sir.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Now, TK Towling's in town. - Remember the policy of five a day?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I stick to that religiously.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Good advice, sir.
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- TK Towling's new book is going to be...- That's five.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Then I'm ready for my five caramel slices and my five flapjacks.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Very good, sir. Yes.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51TK Towling's new book is being kept under wraps.
0:04:51 > 0:04:57- I can get a sneak preview if you let me cover the story.- New book?
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Are you insane? I wouldn't ask you to cover my driveway with gravel.
0:05:02 > 0:05:08Actually, that's quite good, that! Did you hear that, Simon?
0:05:08 > 0:05:11There's a local baker who has made a cake
0:05:11 > 0:05:14in the shape of a big shoe. Go and cover that.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Mind you, even then, you will probably put your foot in it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Oh, well.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27A cake in the shape of a shoe.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30That could well make a front page story.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33TV: 'Towling fans will have to wait until tonight
0:05:33 > 0:05:37'to know the contents of her book. We'll be back on Thursday.'
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Woof! Woof! Woof!- All right, keep focused Hacker.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Let's going checkout this shoe cake, this meringue moccasin, this ...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Well, it's a shoe cake, basically.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Towling's new book is a big story.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16But this cake has all the potential of getting
0:06:16 > 0:06:19on the front page. I can see the headline now.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23It's Bootiful! Bootiful? Did you see what I did there?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Because it's a boot?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Put a CD on. Might as well take our minds off it.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34CD player: 'The Castle Of The Seven Hills, by TK Towling.'
0:06:34 > 0:06:38This is my favourite. We shouldn't think about Towling.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40'Count Mordron's dark, chiselled face,'
0:06:40 > 0:06:44'part-hidden by a sombre hood, gleamed in the moonlight.'
0:06:44 > 0:06:46'He fixed his gaze upon Billy and said...'
0:06:46 > 0:06:49OFF-KEY MUSIC INTERRUPTS STORY.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52What's this? Is that you singing?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55You've recorded over my favourite story.
0:06:58 > 0:07:03Hacker, you know what? You should enter Britain's Got Talent.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08- And audition for Simon- Howl!
0:07:10 > 0:07:16There comes a time in a journalist's life, Hacker,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19when he has to choose between photographing a small cake
0:07:19 > 0:07:22that looks slightly like a training shoe
0:07:22 > 0:07:28or securing the scoop of the century from the biggest-selling author in the world.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Stuff the cake!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Hacker, set the Sat Nav for the home of TK Towling.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh, there's Selina from the Gridlington Gazette!
0:07:50 > 0:07:55She won the Golden pencil award three years in a row.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00- Selina?- Digby Digworth.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02What a surprise.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05No village fetes to open? No cakes baked in funny shapes?
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Cakes baked in funny shapes! No, no, Selina.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11I leave that to the junior reporters.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15I've got more important cakes to Fry. Fish! Fish, to fry.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- So you're here to interview Ms Towling?- Naturally.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So am I. What time's your interview?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25You know what? I can't even remember.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29Oh really? I think you'll find that my interview is in five minutes.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I'd better dash.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Don't forget your pass.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36You won't get into the grounds without it. Ciao! Mwah! Mwah!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Good old Selina. There she goes.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The picture of confidence.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49That's what we need, Hacker. Come on.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57My pass!
0:08:59 > 0:09:00It was here a minute ago.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Must be somewhere else.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- What is it, Hacker?- Woof! Woof!
0:09:06 > 0:09:08HACKER GROWLS
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Oh no, it must have got caught on her coat!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13That is my pass, officer.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20- 20 quid.- Sorry, sir?- 30?
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- 40 and a CD of a dog singing. - HACKER SINGS
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Are you trying to bribe me, sir?
0:09:34 > 0:09:37We've got to get in there, Hacker.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Oh, I think I just spotted a window of opportunity.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44A ladder to success.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46A way to wipe out defeat and...
0:09:46 > 0:09:51We are going to pretend to be window cleaners. Follow me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Right, we're in. Now, which one's her study? Bingo!
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Nice and quiet.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I won't be needing this.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Front page here we come.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Now, I'm keeping the manuscript in this special box
0:10:27 > 0:10:30and, of course, I can't let you actually read it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35- It's top secret.- Of course, Miss Towling. Don't worry.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38This will be a very personal interview.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Before we start, do you think I could have a glass of water?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Of course! Won't be a moment.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Digby! What are you doing!?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Work experience.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Ms Towling will be keen to find out
0:11:02 > 0:11:05that her window cleaner is a reporter
0:11:05 > 0:11:10Not as keen to find out that another reporter is trying to get
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- a preview of her latest book.- Huh! HE SCREAMS
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Here we are.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Please, take a seat.
0:11:21 > 0:11:28What is really interesting is that I never really set out to be a writer.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Of course, it was in my blood and it was where my passion lay,
0:11:32 > 0:11:36but I never really had the confidence
0:11:36 > 0:11:39until I started working with children in my twenties.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- And reading them stories out loud... - WASP BUZZES
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Hacker, it's only a wasp. Stop being such a child.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Somebody help me! There's a wasp!
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I'm so sorry, Ms Towling, could I bother you for an aspirin?
0:11:59 > 0:12:04- I'm being bothered by a bit of a headache.- Of course. Won't be a tick.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Wasp! There's a wasp!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Very clever, Digby, pretending to be a window cleaner,
0:12:14 > 0:12:17but your act needs a bit of a polish.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21What's the matter, Selina? Frightened of a bit of competition?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- Here we are.- Thanks.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Now, where were we?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- Telling me about your first book. - Of course, yes.
0:12:39 > 0:12:44(Get the manuscript!)
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Hacker, this is no time for your doggie bank.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Alright, it's time for your doggie bank.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I had no idea how successful it would be.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58And then the third book came out
0:12:58 > 0:13:01which seemed to go down very well, very well indeed.
0:13:01 > 0:13:07By then we realised the international appeal.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Very humbling. Very humbling indeed.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Sorry, what's that?
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Sounds like a smoke alarm.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Sounds more like a mobile phone to me.- Must just be a car alarm.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Hello?- Where's the picture of the shoe cake?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26The shoe cake? Oh, the shoe cake, as a matter of fact,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I'm looking at it right now, sir.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34Looking at it? What's the point in just looking at it? How big is it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Oh, I'd say, size seven, sir.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Size seven? That all? What does it look like?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Stylish but practical. Hard wearing. The sort of thing
0:13:44 > 0:13:48you would wear to a business meeting or certain social gatherings.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52What are you blethering on about Digworth?
0:13:52 > 0:13:56It sounds like you are describing an actual shoe.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Don't be ridiculous, sir.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I'd better go because it's beginning to melt.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Hacker, we need to get out of here.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12But no, I am who I am.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15That's why I like to keep my charity work separate.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19It's part of who I am also, but it's very sacred to me.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23So I don't often put that into the public eye.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32Now that was close. I have to say, Hacker,
0:14:32 > 0:14:36that your idea of dressing up as window cleaners
0:14:36 > 0:14:39was not a good one. In fact it was rubbish.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Now we need a more subtle approach. Remember, Hacker,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45every top reporter needs a source.
0:14:45 > 0:14:50No, Hacker, a source of information!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Sid the Source.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Over 'ere!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- Wow, great disguise, Sid.- Thanks.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12It's amazing. Your lips aren't even moving.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16You've even make yourself feel like stone. He's a genius!
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Idiot! Over 'ere!- Oh, sorry, Sid.
0:15:20 > 0:15:26I need the low-down on TK Towling. Her interests? Her big passion?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- CLEARS THROAT - Doggie bank, Hacker.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39My first is in tea, but not in cake.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42My second is in orange, but not in fake.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- My third... - There's no time for riddles.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48There's always time for riddles. Where's your sense of fun?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52My third is in pot, but not in vase.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55My fourth is in igloo, but not in cars.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Hope you're getting all this down, Hacker.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Let's see what we've got, shall we?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Flibbertigibbet Hoskins?! That can't be right.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Sid? Sid?
0:16:13 > 0:16:19T-O-P... TOPIARY! What's topiary, Hacker?
0:16:19 > 0:16:25Making shapes out of hedges? That must be her big hobby.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Come on Hacker, it's time we- shaped up!
0:16:31 > 0:16:33OK, this is the plan.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38You try and distract her by doing a fantastic piece of hedge clipping
0:16:38 > 0:16:43or topiary, and I'll try and get a peek at the manuscript.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Writing, of course, has always been my greatest passion,
0:16:48 > 0:16:50second only to topiary.
0:16:55 > 0:17:00My, that new gardener is certainly worth his weight in gold.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Marvellous clipping. - What are you doing?
0:17:03 > 0:17:08Remember that sneaky peek you took at the manuscript? It's all in here.
0:17:08 > 0:17:15- This is quite marvellous. - More clipping!
0:17:19 > 0:17:22You really take some shots, Selina.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27Don't worry, Ms Towling, I'm getting everything.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Ms Towling, erm, tell me,
0:17:56 > 0:18:01what if you were to lose the only copy of your latest book?
0:18:02 > 0:18:08Very good question, Selina. Let me let you into a little secret.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12The manuscript in the box is actually a dummy.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15The real one's in my study for security reasons.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19So many people wanted to get hold of the manuscript
0:18:19 > 0:18:23before the publishing date, I had to take precautions.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Never trust a journalist, eh?
0:18:25 > 0:18:28That's a very good idea.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31One copy of a priceless book,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35and you've turned it into a French poodle.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Actually, that's quite nice.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39HACKER GROWLS
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Write the book myself?!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Do you know what you're suggesting, Hacker?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It's two hours to Towling's reading
0:18:48 > 0:18:51and you're telling me to write the book myself?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55Have you gone stark raving...? I will write the book myself.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Billy Watson And The Martian Magician by Digby D...
0:19:07 > 0:19:09TK Towling. Chapter One.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Billy Watson got up, and he was walking along,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16you see, and what happened was, he found this wand, didn't he?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It was a wand of doom!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21HACKER GROWLS ANGRILY
0:19:21 > 0:19:23What? Go on then.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Night fell and the stars appeared
0:19:30 > 0:19:35like a mantle of diamonds across the dark, velvet sky.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Rubbish! You leave this to me, Hacker.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Billy then had some baked beans on toast.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44He liked baked beans on toast.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Sometimes he had salt and pepper on it. But not today.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Only pepper today!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Well, thank you so much, Ms Towling.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- It's been an honour.- Not at all.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03It's quite rare to meet a reporter of your calibre.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08- You must come to the reading at the Pilbury Theatre.- Delighted!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11If you could just put the real manuscript
0:20:11 > 0:20:13inside for me, I'll set off.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It would be a pleasure.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27And so, Billy climbed the wooden hill
0:20:27 > 0:20:30to Bedfordshire and went to sleep.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32The End.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35There. They'll never know the difference.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I quite fancy myself as a novelist, Hacker. It's easy.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43The most important thing is to write from the top of the page down.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- The reading's in half-an-hour. We gotta get to the theatre.- Digby!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Still here? Quite a day for you, eh?
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Single-handedly destroying the publishing sensation of the decade.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57She's going to open an empty box in front of viewers.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00SHE GASPS Calm down, Digby.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02So, the box is empty, is it?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- What's that?- I wrote another one.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08It's quite good it's got chapter headings.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13But we've got to get it to her. My whole career depends on this.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Follow me. Us reporters must stick together.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19You're a diamond. I won't forget this.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24Neither will I. I think I just found my front page.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Grand Theatre.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38In a few minutes' time, Ms TK Towling will read from her book,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Billy Watson And The Martian Magician.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE
0:21:44 > 0:21:49- Good luck, Miss Towling. - Thank you, Selina.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I bet you feel really good,
0:21:51 > 0:21:56knowing that the real copy of your book is safely inside that box.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Could you imagine what tomorrow's front pages
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- would look like if it wasn't?- Yes, I can.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Do excuse me for a moment, won't you?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09You really mix it up for that Digby.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15Oh, it's you, Selina. Where's the box?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18There's so much stuff back here.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's just there on that table.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25All you have to do is put yours inside.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28She won't know the difference. It's a masterpiece.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31I've got her style down to a tee.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Oh, good. When she reads it out
0:22:33 > 0:22:37in front of millions of people, it will provoke a huge reaction.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41It's bound to. But how am I going to get it in...?
0:22:52 > 0:22:55FEEDBACK SQUEALS
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Ladies and gentlemen, as a special surprise,
0:22:59 > 0:23:03the great magicians Digbino and Hackerini will perform
0:23:03 > 0:23:09some international wizardry before TK Towling reads from her book.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18SCATTERED APPLAUSE
0:23:21 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:05APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Ha-ha-ha!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Mission accomplished! Yeah! I dunno what this is.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Well done, Digby.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Now, we can just sit back and enjoy the reading.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32Ladies and gentlemen, Ms TK Towling.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:39 > 0:24:44- Just a little bit of a problem.- Eh?
0:24:44 > 0:24:46This seems to be the actual manuscript.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- Funny, that.- It can't be. Hacker shredded that in the garden.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54It was a white manuscript with a title down the... Oh no!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58What have I done? I'm going to have to get this back in the box.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Ladies and gentlemen, more incredible wizardry
0:25:02 > 0:25:04from Hackerini and Digberino.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Ladies and gentlemen.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02Without further ado, Ms TK Towling!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Thank you, Selina. You saved the day.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15Just to save any more confusion, why don't you rip your manuscript up?
0:26:15 > 0:26:19You're right. That way, there will be no more mistakes.
0:26:21 > 0:26:28"Billy Watson got up. And he was walking along, you see,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"and what happened was, he found this wand, didn't he?
0:26:32 > 0:26:38"It was a wand of doom. Help, he said."
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I'm sorry. "Then there was this sort of adventure.
0:26:50 > 0:26:57"Really good, like." What is this? This isn't my book! Where's my book?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59AUDIENCE GASPS
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Ms Towling.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I don't know what to say.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16But I suppose an autograph's out of the question?
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Ah, hot off the press, Simon.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Another award-winning front page, no doubt.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Reporter's reputation in tatters?!
0:27:36 > 0:27:41Digby DIGWORTH!
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:55 > 0:27:58E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk