0:00:02 > 0:00:05# La-la-la-la-la
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# La-la-la-la-la
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Ohhhhhh
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# La-la-la-la-la
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# La-la-la-la-la
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# La-la-la-la-la. #
0:00:20 > 0:00:21- Little man.- Yes, you.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- Little Man.- Come here. - Little Man!
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Hello there.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27We have become inexplicably lost.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29We are looking for a haberdasher.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- We need some elastic. - For my stockings.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33They come down when I'm doing my parkour.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37Right, now sorry, ladies. This is a 10-pin bowling alley.
0:00:37 > 0:00:3810 men holding a rabbi?!
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Tintin holding a baby?!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- What?- It doesn't make sense!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Have you gone insane?
0:00:43 > 0:00:45No, no. A 10-pin bowling alley.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48You have to knock down 10 pins.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49- Oh, I see.- Sounds rather fun.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- It is!- Perhaps we should start with one pin - ease ourselves in.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54- Good plan.- It's got to be 10.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- We should have 10 balls?- Yes.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59No, sorry. 1 ball and 10 pins.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00We'll try that then.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Right, great. Well, it's £4 for the lane hire...
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Seems reasonable.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08You've got hire your shoes...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Hire shoes?!
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Nothing's free these days, is it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Apart from that jet ski you found.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15I didn't find it, my dear, I stole it.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Did you?- I'm in court next week. Quite exciting!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Anyway - hiring shoes! - Ridiculous! Goodness me, yes.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23You'll be wanting to hire us suspenders next.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Then the hairnets and the rubber knickers.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27It's just shoes.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30They'll charge you for each pin you knock down.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32The wear and tear on the floor!
0:01:32 > 0:01:36I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get much change out of £1,000
0:01:36 > 0:01:37when you've bowled all your 10 pins.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39- £1,000!- I'd say about £1,000.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I suppose it's what things cost these days.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44It's really not that much. It's...
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- £1,000!- It's ridiculous, £1,000!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- It's not worth it, £1,000. - Disgusting, £1,000!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- I hate you!- Come on, dear. Let's go and buy racehorses and play polo.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Good day!- I hope someone bowls one of those at you
0:01:56 > 0:01:57and your legs come off.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- You're all wearing the same shoes. - Don't you roll that!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Don't you do it!
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Sit down!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07'Well, goodness me. It's chaos out on the roads this morning.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09'I don't envy anyone
0:02:09 > 0:02:12'who has to take their car out on a school run today.'
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Fancy being such a silly sausage as to need to drive to school.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Just fancy!
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Fancy, indeed.
0:02:18 > 0:02:19We don't need to use
0:02:19 > 0:02:22our carbon-emitting, gas-guzzler, do we, Timmy?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Abso-spiffo-lutely not, Mummy!
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Because we are...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27BOTH: ..ideas people!
0:02:30 > 0:02:33And we've had a propellerery-good idea today, haven't we?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35One of the best!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Here it is - the boy plane!
0:02:37 > 0:02:41You see, you just pop it on like Mummy's brave little solider.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43And then boom-bang-a-bang -
0:02:43 > 0:02:46you've whooshed high above the streets and houses -
0:02:46 > 0:02:48rainbow, climbing high -
0:02:48 > 0:02:51until you land safely in your form room, just in time for assembly!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Well, here goes!
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Oh, blimey.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58It weighs a tonne.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02Well, we need this big propeller because somebody in the room
0:03:02 > 0:03:05likes their second helpings of rice pudding, don't they, Timmy?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Oh, shush, Mummy!
0:03:07 > 0:03:10We're just beating the school run, popsy.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- Are you ready? - Umm, well I suppose so.
0:03:12 > 0:03:13It really is jolly heavy.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Well... Chocks away!
0:03:16 > 0:03:18- ENGINE WHIRS - Oh, oh!
0:03:18 > 0:03:22- Have a good flight, Captain Timmy! - I can't hold it up any more.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23It's too heavy!
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Wa-argh!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26CRASHING
0:03:26 > 0:03:27ENGINE ROARS
0:03:27 > 0:03:29TIMMY SCREAMS
0:03:32 > 0:03:34I'll get the car keys, shall I?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Welcome back to the 2009 World Zombie Games
0:03:45 > 0:03:48where the competition is really hotting up.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50The British competitor takes the stage
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Just look at the concentration on what remains of his face.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Now, here comes the lift.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- SQUELCHING CROWD:- Awww!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Oh, not again! That's the third one today!
0:04:02 > 0:04:03No lift!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05He just couldn't keep it together.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Hard to see him making the next round now.- Ohh!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20So, we got the furniture home and we had to assemble it ourselves.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I mean, have you ever heard of such lunacy?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Hey, everybody, I've just learnt a new magic trick
0:04:26 > 0:04:28by Loki Sickum.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33THEY GASP EXCITEDLY
0:04:33 > 0:04:35THEY APPLAUD
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Oh, that is incredible. Well done, Sven.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40That's not the trick.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43That's just me getting the cards out.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45You mean there's more?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Oh, yes. There's much more.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Incredible, by Valhalla.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Pick a card, any card.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56THEY GASP EXCITEDLY
0:04:58 > 0:04:59THEY APPLAUD
0:04:59 > 0:05:02It comes apart - it's amazing!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04That is incredible. Well done...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07No, that's not the trick. There's more.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Now, look at the other side of the card.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13And don't let me see it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16THEY GASP EXCITEDLY
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It is different on the other side.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Oh, it is magic. Magic!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25That is incredible. Well done, Sven.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30No, that's not the trick! Please just remember the card.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Now tear it up.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36THEY GASP EXCITEDLY That's not the trick!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Right, sorry. Sorry...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Now...reach under your beard.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44And see what's there.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Ta-dah!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57What? I...I don't get it.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Anyway, this furniture that we had to assemble.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06What you needed was a tiny devilish piece of metal
0:06:06 > 0:06:08called The Key Of Allen
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Hello there. Now before I get on with today's cooking tips,
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I'd like to introduce you to a very, very special guest.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19It's my sister, Joy, and it's her first time on television.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Hello, home viewers.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24Now, when we were children,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Joy and I used to fight like cat and dog. Didn't we, Joy?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Didn't we, Joy?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Oh, yes. Like cat and dogs.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34That's because we couldn't agree on which berry was better
0:06:34 > 0:06:36because I really love a blueberry.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37PFF-RRT!
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Whereas Joyce really likes...
0:06:39 > 0:06:40..loganberry.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41PFF-RRT!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Whereas we all know that the better berry is the blueberry.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46PFF-RRT!
0:06:46 > 0:06:49- Loganberry! - PFF-RRT!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Blueberry! PFF-RRT!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52- Loganberry! - PFF-RRT!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Blueberry! PFF-RRT!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- THEY BREAK WIND CONTINUOUSLY - Loganberry.- Blueberry.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Loganberry.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Blue...berry.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Loganberry.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04PFF-RRT!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10This isn't over, we'll open a window and get back to you.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- Loganberry!- Blueberry! PFF-RRT!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18There's your token, Kath, love.
0:07:18 > 0:07:2115 minutes, all right? Enjoy, love.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22See ya.
0:07:25 > 0:07:26- Hi there.- Hiya.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I'd like to go on a sun bed, please.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Eh...you want to go on a sun bed?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Yeah, I thought I was looking a bit pale.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37How much is it five minutes in a stand-up one?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39None of our booths are free at the moment.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I can see a free one there.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Yeah...that one's broken.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Uh...reserved...
0:07:45 > 0:07:48It's...broken.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Right.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- I see what's happening here. - Sorry?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56You don't want to serve me just because I'm different.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57No, no, it's not...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59You don't want the likes of me in your shop.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01I'll tell you this, missy,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I don't have to take this kind of prejudice,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I may be made of snow but I can do anything you can do.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09It's my basic right as a human being!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13..Or somebody who looks vaguely like a human being - doesn't matter.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Point is, I want to go in a tanning booth
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and I'm gonna go in a tanning booth.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Yeah, all right, but you'll need these.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Right, thank you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I'll put it on a low setting.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28And if you need anything, just knock.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30ELECTRONIC HUM
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Ahh!
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Hello? Excuse me.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Hello?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Hi. Ummm...
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Yeah, on second thoughts,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01could I have five minutes in the fridge instead?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Hello?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Hello, is there anybody here?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09It's Mrs Craddock from British Heritage.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13I've come to inspect the museum for the new guidebook.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Mr Elevenses, Mr Faraway, are you there?
0:09:16 > 0:09:17We have an appointment.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- We bid you good mornington. - Good afternoon indeed.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Excuse Mr Faraway, he cannot speak a word of English.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25- Not a word.- He's a Frenchman!
0:09:25 > 0:09:27French through and through
0:09:27 > 0:09:29so I cannot speak a word of your language.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Well, bonjour. Ca va?
0:09:32 > 0:09:33I beg your pardon!
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Oh...I was...umm, oh never mind.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Now, listen, I'm here to inspect the museum as part of the guidebook.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Well, if you've come to view the museum,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45you've certainly come to the right place.
0:09:45 > 0:09:51BOTH: Welcome to The Museum Of The Imagination!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53La-la-rrrrrrr.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Wonderful. Shall we get started?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Gladly.
0:09:56 > 0:10:01Beneath this cloth lies the flame from the Lighthouse Of Alexandria.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Illuminated 2,000 years ago and never extinguished.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09He said, "A-oe eh, o aten, e-eh-o. A-oh, emy."
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Fire? The Lighthouse Of Alexandria? Are you sure?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Sure, we're sure, we're sure.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- We are certain!- He said, FRENCH ACCENT: "We are certain."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Well, goodness! I'd love to see it.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20You certainly may.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23BOTH: In your imagination!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I'm sorry, are you saying I can't actually see it?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I'm saying, you can see it.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30BOTH: In your imagination!
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure this is gonna be the right thing
0:10:33 > 0:10:34for the guidebook.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Have you got any actual exhibits
0:10:36 > 0:10:39or shall I simply remove you from the book?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Come this way!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44He said, "Would you like a croque-monsieur?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Oh, do apologise. He actually said, "Come this way."
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Sorry, my French is a little rusty.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Under here we have the sword of Aegeus.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56used by Theseus to slay the Minotaur in the labyrinth.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- He said...- I got it!
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Oh, you speak French. Well, why didn't you say? I feel such a fool.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Well any museum that has an exhibit
0:11:04 > 0:11:06such as the sword deserves five stars.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07May I see it?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Of course you may!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11BOTH: In your imagination!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Oh, this is outrageous!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I'm having you removed from the book.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- Feel free to use our phone. - Thank you.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21BOTH: In your imagination!
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Oh, oh!
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Well, didn't she want to see the alien?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I suppose not, Mr Faraway.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31- What a pity.- What a pity.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What a p...
0:11:33 > 0:11:34What a p...?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37No, it's no good. I'm going to have to get my French dictionary.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41ELECTRONIC THUMPING
0:11:42 > 0:11:44What are you playing?
0:11:44 > 0:11:45- Boxing.- Oh, can I play?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- Only one controller. - That's all right.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I got gloves!
0:11:50 > 0:11:51Yeah, whatever.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54ELECTRONIC THUMPING
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Whoa!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57- Ugh!- Knockout!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Tickets please, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Can I see you ticket please, sir?
0:12:02 > 0:12:03Oh, yes, yes.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05There you are.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07This ticket isn't valid.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- What?- This is an Extra Saver Advance ticket. It's not valid.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- You'll need to pay a penalty fare. - Why isn't it valid?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Extra Saver Advance tickets are only valid
0:12:16 > 0:12:18on nominated trains, Monday to Friday,
0:12:18 > 0:12:21off peak, excluding bank holiday Mondays.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24If you're travelling on a peak hours service
0:12:24 > 0:12:26you'll need a Standard Saver Advance ticket
0:12:26 > 0:12:29unless you book online or on the phone,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31in which case you're liable to a 99p charge.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35I could upgrade you on this service to a Super Plus Advance ticket
0:12:35 > 0:12:36unfortunately, you are sitting in
0:12:36 > 0:12:39a Standard Super-Extra-Quiet Family Coach.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Right that is quite complicated. Umm...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44How much do I have to pay?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47There's a £132.42... sorry, 47p.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- That's loads!- I'm sorry, sir.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51But I didn't know.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55If you don't pay, I'm going to have to eject you at the next station.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56Fine.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58That's fine, I'll...
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Witch! She's a witch!
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- CHORAL MUSIC CHANTING:- Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17He-he-he!
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- ALL:- Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Wooo! Woo!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26SHE SCREAMS
0:13:28 > 0:13:30MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:13:32 > 0:13:36What? It's a bit steep, that's all.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39'The next stop on the train will be Buxton.'
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Oh, no. I'm on the wrong train!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Well, opening a shop is a bit of a departure for me
0:13:46 > 0:13:49but sometimes you've just got to take a risk in life?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51You're being really brave.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53So do you wanna see it?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- I'd love to.- Right, here we go.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Behold! My brand-new cake shop.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05We sell cake and only cake.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Just cakes.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Might that not be a bit of a problem?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I don't think so.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Ah! Just me and my lovely cake shop.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Lovely cake everywhere...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28looking at me...
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Hello!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Cake! Cake!
0:14:35 > 0:14:36Cake!
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Cake! Cake!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Ah...cake!
0:14:54 > 0:14:56I love you too.
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Argh!
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I bet it might be my birthday.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16How's it going?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Emm...really well.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21All the cake, I sold all the...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Customers came, bought all the cakes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Well, looking at your test results, I'd say you've got CHS
0:15:32 > 0:15:35or Compulsive Hiding Syndrome.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I can see you.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Emily and Monty Forrest have been an acting/singing duo for seven years.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54In that time, they've auditioned for more than 17,000 roles together...
0:15:55 > 0:15:56..without success.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04- Hello, greetings-abore!- Morning!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Hey, guys. Great to see you. - Great to see you too.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I think you'll agree this is a special audition.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- Harry Pipper The Musical...- Potter!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13- What?- Potter!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I'm sorry, I haven't got time. We've got an audition to do.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I have scheduled in some Potter-ing about time later on!
0:16:19 > 0:16:20You care to join me?
0:16:20 > 0:16:23THEY LAUGH
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- A routine we worked out. - A little jokette.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- There's plenty more.- There's a lot more gold in them thar hills!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30Yee-ha!
0:16:30 > 0:16:35Oh, so-how-excited-are-we.com? The musical of Harry Potter!
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Apparently it's going to be spectacular.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Fantastic-arbus excitabore!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Right...- She's learned all the spells. Brilliant!
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Thank you very much-icus!- See?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46And, knowing you two,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49you've probably got something pretty special lined up.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Absolutely. What better than a spot of magic to impress the judges -
0:16:52 > 0:16:54win a few extra house points.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57It's a classic illusion that Emily got out of a magic book
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- and we built it last night. So shall we show them?- Shall we?
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Absoluticus.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05Here we go. Clothicus revealibus!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11- Now what we do, is we put Monticus inside here. Oops.- There we go.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14You open the Gryffindor, I'll Slytherin!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Just lower myself down there.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Mind me Hufflepuff.
0:17:22 > 0:17:23Oh, little bit tight.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26One too many puddings me-thinks.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Trying to close my account at Bertie Bott's.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30So, I've got a saw.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32And I'm basically going to saw him in half.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34The whole thing's a trick.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Then I shout, "Monticus-one-piecius" and he's back in one piece.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And piff-paff-poof. and the parts are ours.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Well, that certainly sounds pretty spectacular.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44OK, Emily and Monty Forrest.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45That's us.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Fingericus cross-ibore!
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I forgot how to do the trick.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02Oh! So I've got to go home, get the spell book,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04come back and put him back into one piecicus.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Got to be honest, not feeling great.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I think there is a pretty good chance I'm going to faint.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Yeah, here it comes...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, right up the duff.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Oh!
0:18:20 > 0:18:22We didn't get it.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32ELECTRONIC BEEP
0:18:33 > 0:18:34ELECTRONIC BEEP
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- OVER TANNOY:- Peter? Peter?
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Peter, could I get a price on some toilet paper, please?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I have a look. What kind is it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56It's Bunny Soft for sensitive bottoms -
0:18:56 > 0:18:58got a picture of a rabbit's bottom on it.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00How big... How big is it?
0:19:00 > 0:19:04How much toilet paper does the woman need?
0:19:04 > 0:19:05I'll ask her.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- You want both packs? Have we got a two-for-one on them?- I don't know.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12There's not a two-for-one but she's got two.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14So, it's eight rolls.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17She needs all eight rolls of this sensitive-bottom toilet paper.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Yeah!
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Toilet tissue for sensitive bottoms. - RUMBLING
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Oh no, it's happening again. Oh, no!
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Umm...don't worry about the rest, I'll come back later.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45DOOR BEEPS
0:19:46 > 0:19:49She can't get out the door. Have you got any pins?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Butter? Butter'll do.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58This is the remote Hebridean island of North Barrasay.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And this is Valerie Carpenter, head - and only teacher -
0:20:03 > 0:20:06at the school which has only one pupil.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11It's fundraising day and the children and staff of North Barrasay
0:20:11 > 0:20:13are in a charitable mood.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Can you tell us what's happening, Ross?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Umm, we're doing a Bring And Buy sale
0:20:18 > 0:20:20and we're raising money for good causes.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25We have a very active charity programme
0:20:25 > 0:20:26here at the school.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I think it teaches them social conscience
0:20:29 > 0:20:30and helps them understand
0:20:30 > 0:20:33that they're part of a larger society, you know?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35What is the good cause today?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Oh, eh, well today we're raising money
0:20:38 > 0:20:40for improvements around the school.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Here's the totaliser - just a bit of fun.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49Emm, and there at the top, is the target.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52What's the significance of the leather chair at the top there?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Oh, well, that's our target.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56If we take £60 today,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00it means we can afford a brand-new, shiny chair...
0:21:00 > 0:21:03we...eh... for the staff.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06So charity begins at home then, Valerie?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Well, I think it'll benefit everybody, you know?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14I mean, if I'm comfortable, it will enhance my teaching abilities
0:21:14 > 0:21:18and therefore, Ross's education will become that much richer so...
0:21:18 > 0:21:20- Will I be able to sit in the chair too?- Eh...no.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25No, it will be adjusted to my comfort...level.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28You know, relieving my back pain, Ross,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30will ensure your future success.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33So, Ross what have you brought along today?
0:21:33 > 0:21:39I've brought six cans of shellfish - hand-tinned by my granddad.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41He gives one to me every Christmas.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Some of these are over 10 years old. That's vintage seafood!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I see you've got quite a lot of cash to spend there.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Yeah, it's £55 and 20 pence.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54The result of two summers' back-breaking work
0:21:54 > 0:21:57clearing barnacles off the bottom of Archie's boat.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59And what are you hoping to pick up?
0:21:59 > 0:22:02I haven't really looked round all the stalls yet.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Umm... Oh! There's a nice bike.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06It's quite like my bike at home.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09It really is like my bike at home.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Miss! What is my bike doing here?
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Oh, your mother donated it this morning.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17But I didn't say she could sell it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Don't be so uncharitable, Ross!
0:22:19 > 0:22:23But you can't give it away. I need it! I need a bike.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Well, you're in luck.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Because we have a lovely, shiny bike here for sale
0:22:27 > 0:22:30with your name already inscribed at no extra charge.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Well, how much is it?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- £40.- It's worth £50!
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Oh, well 50, then.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Oh! Fine, there you go.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Oh, Ross, you'll be needing a helmet.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47£5, thank you.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49How much for the tinned seafood?
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Oh, £20.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Miss. Miss?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Not now. I'm in the middle of a massage.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I don't understand how this is helping.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07DOOR OPENS
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Oh, hello, Archie.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I've got to complain about this tinned seafood I bought off you.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Why on earth did you know bring it back before?
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Well, I couldn't have. I've been on the toilet for four days straight.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Give him a refund, Ross.- Oh, Miss!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Just give the man the money, Ross.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31BELL RINGS
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Go. Go on.- No!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- Go on!- No.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Go on. Now's your chance, she's on her own. Go talk to her.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- I can't!- You can.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42I've got no chance.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43You have - go and say hello.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44But I'm a ghost!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Uh, here we go.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47"But I'm a ghost!"
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Is that always gonna be your excuse.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52But I'm useless at chatting up girls, OK?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I always end up making a complete mess of it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57It's easy. Just be yourself, act naturally.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58HE SIGHS
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Go on, you wimp!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02All right.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07- Act...- Come on!- ..Naturally.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Woouurrrggghhh!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26It's a ghost!
0:24:37 > 0:24:43Hello, I wish to break the record for world's oldest man.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Right...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I've got my birth certificate.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Uh, Sarah-Jane, world's oldest man, please.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57PHONE RINGS
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Thank you.
0:24:58 > 0:25:02The world's oldest man is 120 years old.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03And you are...
0:25:06 > 0:25:10..24. This means you'll have to go for another 97 years
0:25:10 > 0:25:11if you want to beat him.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- I'll wait here then.- You'll wait?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I'll wait here until I'm old enough.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28How old am I now?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Uh, 24.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32How old am I now?
0:25:32 > 0:25:3324.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- How old am I now?- 24!
0:25:37 > 0:25:38Hold on.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Oh! Oh, oh, me hip.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Oh, what's the internet? I don't understand.
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Eh-urgh!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54How old am I now?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56You're still 24!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58What's Wikipedia? I'm frightened of it!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00I don't understand.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Wurgh! How old am I now?- 24.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- How old's the world's oldest man? - 120!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Oh! So close! How old am I now?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Thanks so much for inviting us, Bill.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Oh, I'm glad you could make it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14I've just got a new smoothie maker
0:26:14 > 0:26:16and I wanted to try it out on you guys.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Why don't you take a seat and I'll make you and Susie the smoothie.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Tony, my smoothie maker. I'll make them.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Umm... it's just...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26- What, Tony?- Yeah, what, Tony?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Nothing...eh...
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Right, smoothie a-go-go!
0:26:31 > 0:26:35MUSIC: "Mas Que Nada" by Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Oh, Tony, could you give me a hand just to hold this steady?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Why not?
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Can you grip the sides.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Bill, there's no lid on it! Ugh!
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Oh, sorry! Sorry, Tony.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It's cos I've got no head, you see.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28So, we've got a lovely banana-berry surprise.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30That's for you, Tony.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Oh, and this is for you. This is a peach and strawberry, Susan.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Careful, it's really full.
0:27:35 > 0:27:40Uh, and for myself, a lovely strawberry zinger.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Ha-ha! Great, huh?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- Cheers! Oh, cocktail umbrella.- Oh!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Ahh!
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Cheers.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I'm sorry, Tony. It's just, I've got no head.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55# La-la-la-la-la
0:27:55 > 0:27:58# La-la-la-la-la
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# La-la-la-la-la
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Ohhhhhh
0:28:04 > 0:28:06# La-la-la-la-la
0:28:06 > 0:28:08# La-la-la-la-la... #