0:00:02 > 0:00:05# La-la, la-la-la-la La-la, la-la-la-la
0:00:05 > 0:00:07# La-la, la-la-la La-la-la
0:00:10 > 0:00:15# La-la, la-la-la-la La-la, la-la-la-la
0:00:15 > 0:00:20# La-la, la-la-la La-la. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:25So it is agreed.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27After nine long millennia,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30the seals of the resting place of the mighty Kraam will be broken,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33the ancient maps of hinterspace removed,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and the quest for eternal peace can begin.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Hurrah.- Hurrah!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Now proceed from here upon your sacred journey.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Oh, and while we're gone, Lord High Chief Galactic President,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49please don't eat the cake.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Cake? What cake?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53The sacred cake of Kraam.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Oh, that cake. No, I wouldn't touch that. Don't like cake really anyway.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02It's fine.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08HE SIGHS
0:01:08 > 0:01:11And so the quest begins.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16- Mustn't eat the cake. - HE GROANS
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Don't eat the cake.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I don't even like cake. Don't know why I'm bothered.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23If that was the beef of Kraam, I'd be right in there,
0:01:23 > 0:01:25but, you know, cake - it's not...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Oh, I mustn't eat it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Nya-ah-ah!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42We have retrieved the maps.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43I would like...
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- What's happened to the cake? - Nothing. Well, the cake...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48The sacred cake of Kraam?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Oh! Oh, that.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Oh. Ah.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Would you believe it if I said
0:01:54 > 0:01:57that the mighty Kraam himself had appeared and consumed it?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh. Oh, yes.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Yes, I suppose he must have been starving,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04after all those years in transdimensional exile.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07What?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09What?! Oh, he said I could have some.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16CLATTERING ON TELEVISION
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- What are you playing? - Bowling.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Ooh, can I play? - I've only got one controller, mate.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23That's all right. Got my own ball and glove.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33PINS CLATTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- 'Strike!'- I'm the king!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- Aggh! Ow! - Oh, you wanna watch out for that.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Not wearing the correct shoes.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Hello? I'm looking for a Louise.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55I've got your mum on the phone and she says you've left your mobile
0:02:55 > 0:02:58and your diarrhoea medicine at home.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Louise? Are you here?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Your mum's pretty insistent that you'll need your...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Don't be here. Oh, they all know.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Last night was terrible...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Oh, Mother, no! - ..up and down like a lift engineer.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12No, Mother, no!
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- RUMBLING - Oh, I can feel it happening...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Your boyfriend's popped round
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and she's shown him baby photographs.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Baby photos? Why?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Oh... - RUMBLING CONTINUES
0:03:25 > 0:03:26SHE MOUTHS
0:03:33 > 0:03:35How embarrassing.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Help.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Most attractive. Isn't it lovely?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- Sort of long and thin, like a pencil.- Yes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Afternoon, ladies. Can I interest you in a free sample?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47- Oh, yes.- Yes, yes, yes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- What of?- We don't want anything free if we don't want it.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- Like a free punch in the kidneys, for instance.- Pointless.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- Or free wasps.- Wasps! Really!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- It's not wasps, is it? - Relax, ladies.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's our new fragrance - Pretension by Jean Paul Gaultier.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Jean Paul Goaty-Beard? - Jeremy Clarkson's Go-Kart?
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Joe and Nick from the Jonas Brothers? We prefer Kevin!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I'd like to put him in my handbag.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Ugh! Oh.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15SHE SNIFFS
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- What a lovely smell! - Not bad at all.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Yes, it's lavender and sandalwood with a hint of saffron.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Well, don't stop. Spray it again!
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Come on! We want to reek of the stuff.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Um, no. This is just a sample. If you like it, you can buy some.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32- Oh! So that's your game, is it? - You sly dog.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36- Nothing's free these days.- Apart from those napkins at the coffee shop.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- And you can't do much with those. - We tried making dresses.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40They dissolved in the rain.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- People ran away because we were nude.- Again!
0:04:43 > 0:04:45You'll pay a pretty penny for this perfume.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48- And for that fancy bottle. - And fancy box.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- By this fancy man. - On a fancy tray.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- In his fancy shop. - Yes, with a fancy tie.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- In the middle of Fancy Street. - Here in Fancy Town!- How dare you!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'd have thought we'd pay more
0:04:58 > 0:05:01for the smell of Ian Lavender's sandals...
0:05:01 > 0:05:05You'd not get much change out of a £1,000 when it's all added up.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06- £1,000!- I should say so.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It's what these sort of things cost.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10This is on offer - £14.95...
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- £1,000!- £1,000!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Ridiculous! £1,000!- Absurd!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18It's not worth it to smell like the cast of Dad's Army.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Come along, Prudith.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Let's fly to Morocco
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- and buy one of those gold scented candles you like.- Good day.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26I hope you spray some in your eyes
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- and they disappear entirely and heal over.- You smell amazing!
0:05:30 > 0:05:31- BELL DINGS - Thank you.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Brendan, this American's been working with a new coach.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Yes, Trevor, she bit her old coach
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and he became a zombie, ending his coaching career.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48We're seeing this a lot recently.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51Well, zombies will try to bite coaches, and often they succeed.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52And here she goes.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54POP! CROWD GASPS
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Oh, a surprisingly short routine there.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yes, I suspect that will require a trip to the physio.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Hello! Are you open?
0:06:04 > 0:06:08The door was unlocked, so I put my money in the ticket machine and...
0:06:10 > 0:06:12No-one here. I'll just...
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Good afternoony-poops! - I'm so sorry to have missed you.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Mr Faraway is very sorry to have missed you.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- He's unexpectedly been called away. - I'm in Berlin for the entire month.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Mr Elevenses will explain, I'm sure.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27He's away on businessness and cannot be here.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29I'm so sorry to have missed your visit to...
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- BOTH:- The Museum of Imagination... tion...tion...tion...tion.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Is that Mr Faraway there? - HE GASPS
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Wow! You have a very vivid imagination.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39You'll fit in here.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Right. So, uh, the museum?
0:06:42 > 0:06:44- BOTH:- Of Imagination.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Yeah. Uh, what have you got?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49What haven't we got? That would be a better question to ask.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51But I'll answer yours first.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Under this cloth is the last remaining sample
0:06:54 > 0:06:56of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Excavated on the banks of the River Tigris.
0:06:58 > 0:07:04Oh, that Mr Faraway were here! He has so much more information than I.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Wow, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10That's one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- I'd love to see that. - Then you shall see it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15In your imagination!
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Ooh! Ohh!
0:07:17 > 0:07:21All right, I get it. Very funny. Having a joke with the tourist.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22- Joke?- Joke?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Joke?- Joke?- Joke?- Joke?!
0:07:24 > 0:07:28We never joke. We are deadly serious about our exhibits.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Why, under here is the horn of a unicorn.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34But I thought unicorns didn't exist.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38That's what they want you to think. But if you had seen this horn...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42But if we say you are to see a unicorn horn, then that you shall!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- BOTH:- In your imagination.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50OK, fine. If that's how you want to be, then suit yourself.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I'll have a refund, please.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Of course. Of course you shall have a refund.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- BOTH:- In your imagination!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Unbelievable!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07ECHO OF DOOR OPENING
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Did he not want to see the doorway to the lost city of Atlantis, then?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Mr Faraway, are you back from Berlin?
0:08:13 > 0:08:15No, I'm still there, I'm afraid.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Who said that?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26- So, how was the football?- We won!
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Well done, dear.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31I scored a hat trick and I won man of the match.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Mr Norton said I was the best player in the year.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Well done, son. We're very proud.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38I think this calls for a little treat.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40We're going to go out for a pizza to celebrate.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Great!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43No, not you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Why...why not?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It seems to me you're really rather good at football.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49I suppose so.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- Lots of practise.- Out on the lawn.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- Yeah.- And who mows that lawn?
0:08:54 > 0:08:55- I do.- With what?
0:08:55 > 0:09:00- Lawnmower.- Precisely. The lawnmower your father bought.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- And which I provide the petrol for. - Free of charge.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07So it seems only fair that we get to go out for a pizza.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Oh.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Don't worry, dear. We've thought of you and you won't go hungry.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16We've left you some liver and broccoli to microwave.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Oh, and we've hired a special babysitter for you.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Mr Norton!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Right! We'll do some press-ups, then some ball control,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27build up an appetite for that liver and broccoli.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31But first, you can start by cleaning these boots.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Hurry up, dear. I want time for a knickerbocker glory
0:09:36 > 0:09:38after my stuffed-crust meat feast.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Have a lovely evening.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46You missed a bit! Come on!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Give it some welly!
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Do you want to be a footballer? Scrub the boot!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Hello.- Hello.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I wish to attempt to break the world record for remaining silent
0:10:06 > 0:10:07and I want you to time me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Yes, hello, Siobhan. World record for keeping silent, please.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19PHONE RINGS
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Thank you.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24The world record for keeping silent is 11.5...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Hours? 11.5 hours? Easy!
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- No, 11.5... - Days? Oh, that's tricky.
0:10:30 > 0:10:37No, 11.5 years. The world record for remaining silent is 11.5 years.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39That is a long time. I mean, how long is that?
0:10:39 > 0:10:44That's what? From the time when I was born till I was, what...
0:10:44 > 0:10:4611.5.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Yeah, about that. Just near that.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50- You really think you can do it? - Yes.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- You won't blow it in the first instance?- Of course not!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Right.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Hello? Oh, no! No! What... Ohh! What have I done?
0:11:03 > 0:11:08- Calm down. I was just resetting the stopwatch.- Oh, phew!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Right. Now, here we go again - for real.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Hello?
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Oh, no! No! No, no! Not again!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Oh, come on, Mark! Again! Twice!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Ohh! Ohh! Oh.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- How did I do?- Three seconds.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- What's the world record again? - 11.5 years.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Ooh, so close!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48To be frank, it's the rising cost of ornamental horns and dragon boats
0:11:48 > 0:11:51that's forced us to find new ways to earn our living.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- Aye, Chief. - Sorry I'm late, everyone.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59I was hunting in the forest when I was attacked by an enormous bear.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02We shall feast on bear burgers tonight, my friends.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03- VIKINGS CHEER - Yum!
0:12:03 > 0:12:08As I was saying before I was interrupted by Brave Erik here,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10we need to find new ways to earn our livings.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14So I have decided that we are to become toy testers.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Oh?- Oh?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20There will always be children and children will always need toys.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Aye, toy swords and toy axes...
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Indeed. And this.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30A Sven-in-the-box.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- A Sven-in-the-box?- Yeah, yeah.
0:12:32 > 0:12:37You see, what happens is you turn the little handle on the side here
0:12:37 > 0:12:41and then suddenly a little Viking on a spring pops out.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42- ALL:- Ah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46So we are going to test these and make sure they work properly.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Right, I'm going to start turning the handle here
0:12:49 > 0:12:51and I want you to prepare yourselves
0:12:51 > 0:12:54because a Viking on a spring is going to pop out, OK?
0:12:54 > 0:12:56All right, Chief.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00I'm just saying I don't want there to be any screaming.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03We're brave and fearless Vikings.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07We are not going to be scared of some Sven-in-a-box.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Very well. Right, I'm going to turn the handle now.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Prepare yourselves.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:21 > 0:13:26THEY SCREAM
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- Sorry, sorry.- Sorry.- Sorry. - Sorry.- Sorry, sorry.- Sorry.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33That was exactly what I didn't want to happen.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- RADIO:- A lorry delivering sheds has shed its load,
0:13:36 > 0:13:39causing a shedload of trouble on the roads this morning.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42If you're about to head in for the school run,
0:13:42 > 0:13:45do allow an extra 40-45 minutes because of the shedded sheds.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Well, if people will insist on taking the silly old car out,
0:13:48 > 0:13:49that's their own lookout.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Isn't that right, Timmy?
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Bingo, Mummy. We've got all the clever ideas.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55That we have, my little pomegranate.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59So, do you have an idea to get me in to school quicker then, Mummy?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Absolutely, with pickles on top.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04We're using...modern technology.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Modern technology, Mummy?- Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08We're simply going to email you to school.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- And how does that work? - Simple as fiddlesticks, pumpkin.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15We simply pop you into the chamber here,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18where you'll be scanned and turned into a million pixels.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22And then Mummy will email you, using this computer
0:14:22 > 0:14:28and you'll pass down this thick cable to the modem and away you go.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Oh, which reminds me -
0:14:30 > 0:14:34I must attach aforementioned cable before I send you off.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Right.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40I must say, I can't think of anything that could go wrong.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43That's the spirit. Into the box with you.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Oh, but not your lunch box. I'll fax that over later.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47Ah.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50There we go, Tiddles. In we go.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Mmm.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Ooh, now, let's just switch you on.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00ZAP!
0:15:00 > 0:15:05Mummy's going to email you now, using the computer.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16Oh, bumsticks! The cable!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Mummy, this doesn't look like the IT block.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Oh. Oh, dear. Sorry, darling.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Has it worked, Mummy?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Um, not exactly.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I'll get the car keys.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Ow! Ow!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Well, your results are in
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and I'm afraid you've tested positive for FSD,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44or footballer's speech disorder.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Obviously I'm disappointed with the result at the end of the day.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Obviously I feel like I've let the lads down
0:15:50 > 0:15:51and, uh, I've let meself down.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Don't worry, don't worry. It's a treatable condition.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Still all to play for? Up for grabs? Resting on a knife-edge?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00In a way, I suppose so.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- The gaffer'll be made up. - Who's the gaffer?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I have no idea. Please help me!
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- ANNOUNCER:- Emily and Monty Forest have been an acting, singing
0:16:18 > 0:16:20and dancing duo for seven years.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24In that time, they've auditioned for more than 17,000 roles together,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26without success.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Emily, Monty, how are you?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Oh, we are brilliant. Thanks for asking.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Yep, really looking forward to today's audition.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I've had a funny feeling in my tummy all day.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Could be the acorns you had for breakfast, Robin.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Could be. Could be, Marian, but let's stay positive.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Now, I'm guessing it's a Robin Hood musical?
0:16:46 > 0:16:47BOTH: No.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Yes!- It is. Little trick. We're the Merry Men.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54It's a brand-new musical and it's gonna be fab-u-losio!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Apparently there are great new numbers.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00Yep, including Robin's heartbreaking ode to being a bachelor,
0:17:00 > 0:17:01I'm Not The Marian Kind.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05And the country rock ballad A Little John Goes A Long Way.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08And, of course, the big makeover number...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Friar Nip-and-Tuck.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Wow!- It's a great show.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16You normally like to prepare a little surprise for the director.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Have you got anything lined up for today?
0:17:18 > 0:17:19We certainly have.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23We sing the breakaway pop hit Robbin' the Rich, Rockin' the Poor
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- and at the end, Maid Marian... - Guilty!
0:17:25 > 0:17:28..fires three arrows directly at me.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30But here's the trick.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- We show them the real arrows. - I'm all aquiver.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- But when she fires them...- Brrr!
0:17:36 > 0:17:37..we use these fake ones.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40And she's gonna shoot me right here.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Woo-hoo, it'll be a blast!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Straight in the Friar Tuckus. - THEY LAUGH
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- MAN:- Emily and Monty Forest? - Here we are.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Should be Emily and Monty Sherwood Forest.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Wish us luck. HE BLOWS HORN
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Yeah.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Yeah. We...we didn't get it.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04No, not this time. But the arrows trick worked very well.
0:18:04 > 0:18:10Oh-ho! That was a treat. That was brilliant.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Quick question, Emily -
0:18:12 > 0:18:15if you've got the fake arrows, where did the real ones end up?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21HE WHIMPERS
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Right in the... - HE BLOWS HORN
0:18:23 > 0:18:24I don't feel well.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29He can be such a big baby sometimes.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Oh, great! My souffle's collapsed.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37What am I going to serve at my souffle dinner party tonight?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It's a complete disaster!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Maybe my bees can help.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Beg your pardon? - I said, "Maybe my bees can help."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Mate, I need a new souffle, not a lesson in honey-making.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Don't speak too soon. My bees are highly trained.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54They will fly out of this hive into your souffle,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57where the beating of their tiny wings will create puffs of air,
0:18:57 > 0:18:59causing your souffle to rise,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01leaving you to enjoy your souffle dinner party.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04- Are you sure? - As sure as bees are bees.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Go on, then.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I shall first give them a few basic instructions.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Bzzz, bzzzzz, souffle.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzz, Jamie Oliver, bzz, bzz, help it rise.
0:19:17 > 0:19:18Bzzzzzzzzzzzz.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Probably opened the oven to have a look at it, ruined it. Bzzzz.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Help him out. Nice chap. Bzzzzzzzzzzz.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Bees to the rescue!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32BEES BUZZ LOUDLY No, no, no!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Ow! Go to the souffle! No!
0:19:34 > 0:19:38No, don't make my face rise. Ow! Get off!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I must say, this isn't what I expected.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44No! Stop it! HE SCREAMS
0:19:44 > 0:19:46BELL RINGS
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Welcome to the canteen. What can I get you?
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- What's the choice today? - I've done sort of a mystery menu.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59In these three boxes are meals.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02You pick a box. Whatever's in the box, that's what you get.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07I should warn you - choose carefully.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10One. No, two. No, three. No, one. No, um...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Two. Yep, definitely two.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15I've got a good feeling about this one.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20JAUNTY MUSIC
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oh, lasagne.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Enjoy.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Um, can I have the, um... - PHONE RINGS
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Ooh.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Hello?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41Yeah. No, Wednesday night. Yeah.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Yeah, bye.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Wrong number.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Right. Uh, three. No, one. Definitely one.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53It's been absolutely lovely getting to know you. Good luck.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- JAUNTY MUSIC - Oh, it's meatballs.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02So, box number three.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You feeling lucky?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Honestly, um, not especially.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Well, let's find out, shall we?
0:21:11 > 0:21:14JAUNTY MUSIC
0:21:14 > 0:21:16You've won £1 million!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19- That's unbelievable. - Congratulations.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22BUTTON BEEPS
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Course, £1 million is terribly heavy.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- SHE LAUGHS - Next!
0:21:35 > 0:21:39This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42And this is Valerie Carpenter,
0:21:42 > 0:21:44head and only teacher at the school,
0:21:44 > 0:21:46which has only one pupil.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It's surprisingly quiet here today, Valerie.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Can you tell us what's going on?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Yes, well, Ross is on the return leg of his student exchange programme.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Last year it was such a wonderful success.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02HE SHRIEKS
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Miss! Miss!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12So, he's, um, off in the Alps with young Lukas,
0:22:12 > 0:22:14learning all about Austrian culture,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17while I stay here and practise my short game.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I'm no Tiger Woods. I'm no Tiger Woods, that's for sure.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30We caught up with Ross and Lukas at Lukas's school in Austria.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34# Eins, zwei, drei... #
0:22:35 > 0:22:37MUSIC STOPS
0:22:41 > 0:22:42HE MOUTHS
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Ross, you will join in.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Do I have to, Frau Hermann?
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Yes. You will have fun.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:49 > 0:22:52Now you can perform the dancing.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06So it's normal for boys from this region to dance together like this?
0:23:06 > 0:23:07No.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10MUSIC STOPS
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Ross, how are you enjoying your visit here?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Um, I've got two more days.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Ja, the time is very short. We have so much to do.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Picking mushrooms and hunting Smurfs
0:23:22 > 0:23:24and hide-and-seek!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27We played that the other day. He's very good at the game.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It took me several hours to find him.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Yes, you never give up, do you?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34He was in the woods, seven miles away!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Ross...
0:23:39 > 0:23:41..he's very clever.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53As you can see,
0:23:53 > 0:23:59Lukas insisted on decorating in honour of Ross's visit.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01That's, um, remarkable work there.
0:24:01 > 0:24:07Yeah, I went... Ross's waistcoat is made out of real goat hair
0:24:07 > 0:24:10so it's really soft - you can just...
0:24:10 > 0:24:13It's really soft. And he's wearing a crown.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Because you know why?
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Yeah, cos... Yeah, you know why.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Because apparently I'm the king of friends.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25# Yes, Ross is king of the friends!
0:24:25 > 0:24:26# With him, the fun never ends
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# The sun will fall The sun will shine
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# But he will be having a friendly time... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:32Ross, sing our song.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34# Cos Ross is the king of the friends
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# With him, the fun never ends
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# The sun will fall The sun will shine
0:24:38 > 0:24:40# And we'll be having a friendly time. #
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Ross is very fortunate in his time to be here.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It is our Arts Week.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Right. And what happens during Arts Week?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53HE PLAYS LONG DEEP NOTE
0:24:53 > 0:24:56LUKAS PLAYS LONG HIGH-PITCHED NOTE
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Blowing the horn helps me control my asthma.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05And with the circular breathing,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I can make a note last, like, eight minutes.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12THEY PLAY LONG NOTES
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Wow. That's...that's amazing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20It's lucky we came to film today.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22We wouldn't have wanted to miss that.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Oh, no! No, no, they do this EVERY day.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Well, it looks like you're having some fascinating experiences here.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36They're making me sleep in the goat cabin.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- And the goat cabin is...? - Exactly what it sounds like.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Oh. Do you have a message for Miss Carpenter?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Uh, yes, I do have a message for her.
0:25:46 > 0:25:47Get me out of here, please.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Just call my parents or call the embassy or whatever you have to do.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- OK.- Excuse me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Film crew, we are now concentrating on the education,
0:25:56 > 0:25:58so you will have to leave.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Right. Um, see you back on the island, Ross.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02No! Take me with you!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04No, Ross, you cannot go. It is time for the hat game.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I don't want to play the hat game, please.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I will be the milliner.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10You can be the cow.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12No, don't make me be the cow.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Bye, Ross.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16- Auf wiedersehen!- Don't go! Moo!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22What about my passport? Moo. You said you'd give it back to me.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Ooh. Tammy, love, where are we going?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29It's OK. You'll see.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Tammy had been working for weeks to get to this moment.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35It hadn't been easy getting everyone together
0:26:35 > 0:26:38for her mother's surprise birthday party.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Surprise.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Tammy, honestly.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Tammy had blown it...again.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56This is definitely the right house. Right, on you go.
0:26:56 > 0:26:57Can't you do it?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Josh, you let the football go over the fence. You get it back.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's not my fault the ball went right through me. I'm a ghost.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07When will you stop hiding behind the fact you're a ghost?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I find it really difficult to talk to strangers.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I always end up making a complete mess of it.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16Listen, it was brand new and it cost me 30 quid.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19But this is Weird Steve's house. He's terrifying.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21You know the stories about him.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I don't care, Josh. I want my ball back.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25You've got to go and get it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Just be polite, ask nicely - it'll be over in a second.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- Please, Darren. - All right. OK.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33I've knocked on the door.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37What you want?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Uh...um...
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Uh...
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Woooooooo!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45HE SCREAMS
0:27:45 > 0:27:48It's a ghost!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:01 > 0:28:04E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk