0:00:20 > 0:00:23- DOORBELL RINGS - Hello, can I help you?
0:00:23 > 0:00:25- We're here to help! Hello! - All right?- Morning!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27- HE BURPS - Who is it, Linda? >
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- Some boys at the door. - What do they want?- What do you want?
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- Any jobs need doing round the house? - Plastering?- Cracks need covering?
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- No thank you, Brian deals with that. - HE BLOWS WHISTLE
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Dib, dib! Dob, dob!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Dib, dib! Dob, dob!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I'm not sure you heard me. - All right, lads, let's get to work.
0:00:45 > 0:00:50- I thought I told you...- Cup of tea? - No, I've just had one.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- Now, listen...- Slice of lemon? Spot of milk? - Well, just milk, thanks.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58- Sugar?- Er...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Fruitcake?- I'm sorry?! How rude! Oh, I see.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Right, job done. Let's get going.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Dib, dib! Dob, dob! Dib, dib! Dob, dob!
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- Cheers for now!- What exactly... did you do?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Hello?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Ohhh!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Hiya. Harry Bolds here.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Bolding it up wherever bolding it up needs to be done!
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And today, I'm taking the boldness envelope
0:01:33 > 0:01:36and stretching it to dangerous new levels, as I go...
0:01:36 > 0:01:37..gardening!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I know you're probably thinking, "Don't do it, Harry!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44"That's not going to end well!" But it's OK, cos I've been to a shop
0:01:44 > 0:01:46and a bloke sold me everything I could possibly need.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Plus, I've got my friend here to help. Terry Brave!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51All right, everyone?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Terry - brilliant. OK. Kit time.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58What are you going to need for gardening? Number one - a garden!
0:01:58 > 0:01:59This is a very special one.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03It's made of space metal, invented by science,
0:02:03 > 0:02:05and it's called gardinium.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I know it looks like normal mud, but it's not. It's special metal.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What else? Gardening gloves!
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Gardening boots! Gardening trousers! Gardening shirt!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18And under here - gardening pants! I'm not showing you those.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23OK, what else have I got? Trimmer! Blower! Snippers!
0:02:23 > 0:02:28Scyther! Choppers! Grabber! Cutter! Whacker! And bucket.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- I've got this old spade I borrowed off my granddad.- Nice!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36And of course, a little teensy seed for planting.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37What have you got, Terry?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I've got Cheesy Puffs. And I'm going to plant this bulb.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I'm not sure that's the sort of bulb you can plant.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Isn't it? Oh, well, I'll give it a go.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49HE SIGHS I'm dead worried about Terry.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53He's right out of his depth. Oh, well, let's go gardening!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00No...it's not for me.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I quite enjoyed it.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06ELECTRICITY HUMMING
0:03:14 > 0:03:19Brave Viking warriors. As you know, I have spent the last few days in conference
0:03:19 > 0:03:22with Magnus, chief of the tribe in the next valley.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23THEY MUTTER IN DISAPPROVAL
0:03:23 > 0:03:27No, no, no, I know that we were sworn enemies,
0:03:27 > 0:03:30but this is a new age of Viking co-operation.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Chief Magnus and I have resolved our differences
0:03:34 > 0:03:39and agreed to join forces, so that we may see our tribes through the leaner times.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44So we shall fight and hunt together as one. Hmm?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Do I get an "Oh, yeah"?
0:03:47 > 0:03:49ALL: Yeah...
0:03:49 > 0:03:51That was pathetic, I could hardly hear you!
0:03:51 > 0:03:55But the tribe in the other valley are nasty Vikings!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58They're forever playing practical jokes on us.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I think we all remember the time they persuaded us
0:04:01 > 0:04:05that our horns were supposed to go on the INSIDE of our helmets.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- THEY GROAN - That is all in the past.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10We are brothers now, huh?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Now, as a mark of respect,
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Chief Magnus has sent us a can of peanuts each.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19A can of peanuts each? How generous!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22I didn't even know that peanuts came in tins.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25What a delicacy! Mmm.
0:04:27 > 0:04:33I think, as a mark of trust, we should all open our cans of peanuts
0:04:33 > 0:04:38- simultaneously, huh? After three. One, two...- Wait, wait!
0:04:38 > 0:04:42After three, or ON three?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Oh, er, AFTER three. Yes?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Mmm, yes.
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- One, two...- Er, so it's one, two, open?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55- Or one, two, three, open? - I like the last one best.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59One, two, three, open!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02LOUD SQUEAKING NOISES
0:05:07 > 0:05:09THEY ALL SCREAM WITH FRIGHT
0:05:14 > 0:05:16What's all the fuss about?
0:05:17 > 0:05:22Your results are back, and it looks like you've got Can't Take Directions Syndrome.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Oh, no!- Don't worry, there is a treatment.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Just take this to the pharmacy, down the corridor and second on the left.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Thanks very much.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39KNOCKING AT DOOR
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Hi, I'm looking for the pharmacy.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45I think a visit to the little girls' room!
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Well, we both have had a lot of pop.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Oh, look, it's a teepee!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Oh, it's occupied. Hello!
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Oh, it's like the TARDIS, but it's no bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- We like your wigwam. - Yes! Are you a squaw?
0:05:58 > 0:06:03No, I am the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- Gosh, it must be hectic round yours. - I will show you my psychic powers.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Are you a cyclist? - Oh, like that lovely Chris Hoy!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Lovely legs.- You don't have legs like that, though.- Who has?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16No-one these days, bar Alan Titchmarsh, and...oh!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18BOTH: Kanye West!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22No, a PSYCHIC. My crystal ball will tell all.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- What, like a radio?- Does it do the Light Programme?
0:06:24 > 0:06:31- Classic FM?- Happy hardcore? - No, I will gaze into my crystal ball and see into the future.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32Oh! Well, that could be useful.
0:06:32 > 0:06:37- Could you skoosh forward a week and see how my sponge cake comes out? - She's baking for the WI contest!
0:06:37 > 0:06:44- It's being judged by Dr Conway! - Oh, the good doctor. He is rather dashing.- Oh, stop it, dear!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Well, he is something of a slice. - Such powerful hands!- Ooh!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- I should like to know how my sponge rises.- Yes, do it! Make it work.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54First you must cross my palm with silver.
0:06:54 > 0:06:58- Oh, it's like that, is it?- I see! - Nothing's free these days!
0:06:58 > 0:07:03No, apart from those ring binders they give away with partwork magazines.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- And you have to buy Part One to get that!- So they're not free at all!- No!
0:07:06 > 0:07:10And this crystal ball nonsense, I bet that'll cost you a pretty penny.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13And the further into the future you go, the more you have to pay!
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- Double for Sundays, no doubt. - Ooh, the nerve!- You wouldn't get much change out of £1,000
0:07:18 > 0:07:23- just to pop into the future and see if I can bake a cake properly. - £1,000?- I'd say so.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- I suppose that's what these things cost these days.- This is just £2...
0:07:27 > 0:07:32- £1,000?!- It's absurd!- Ridiculous! - I won't pay £1,000!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Just to see if my sponge gets me the glad eye from Dr Conway!
0:07:35 > 0:07:39Come on, dear. Let's leave here immediately, fly to Paris, buy 1,000 cakes
0:07:39 > 0:07:41and blockade Dr Conway in his house.
0:07:41 > 0:07:47- Good day.- I hope you look into the future and find something unpleasant happens to you.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Like your tongue is replaced with a toe!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Well, that was nice. - Did you have a wee?- Yes.- Me too!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Don't think she saw THAT coming!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57CHEERING AND SCREAMING
0:07:59 > 0:08:01OK, Steph, good luck.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Go out there and do your best. You're on!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05< Steph from London!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07AUDIENCE CHEERING Next!
0:08:14 > 0:08:15What can I do for you?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Well, I'm here to audition for Talent UK, obviously.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22OK... What will you be singing for us today?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23Er, "Halo" by Beyonce.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26Right. Well, as you know,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29we don't audition everyone in front of the judges,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- so if you could just wait a little bit...- Hey, whoa!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- Don't you want to hear me sing? - I don't think it's a good idea. - Oh, right, right.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- Not "pop star material", am I? - It's not that. Erm...
0:08:39 > 0:08:44I've got just as much right to go out there and perform in front of the judges as anyone else.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47It's just... you're a snowman.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Yeah, I prefer the term "person of frozen aquatic origin."
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- The lights are really hot! - You're making a big mistake, mate.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I don't think you want me to go to the newspapers
0:08:56 > 0:09:01and say how your show discriminates against people who are a bit different, do you?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03OK, OK, we'll get you on the show.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08HE EXHALES OK, you're on in 30 seconds.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16# You're everything I need and more
0:09:16 > 0:09:19# It's written all over your face
0:09:19 > 0:09:22# Baby, I can feel your halo
0:09:22 > 0:09:25# I pray it won't fade away
0:09:25 > 0:09:27# I can feel your halo, halo, halo
0:09:27 > 0:09:31# Halo, halo, halo, halo
0:09:31 > 0:09:33# I can feel your halo, halo, halo
0:09:33 > 0:09:36# Halo, halo, halo, halo
0:09:36 > 0:09:39# I can feel your halo, halo, halo... #
0:09:39 > 0:09:41- AUDIENCE BOOING - Aagh! Aagh!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Could we go again?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I think I could probably have done that a bit better.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01LOCK CLICKS OPEN
0:10:03 > 0:10:06WHISTLE BLOWS Oi, you!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16No safe cracking!
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Sorry I'm late!
0:10:33 > 0:10:38- Aren't many here today.- It's always quiet this time of year.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- BRANCH SNAPS - What was that?
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Dunno.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Muntjacs!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Well, well, well. What are you lot doing in muntjac territory?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01This is not muntjac territory, this is OUR clearing!
0:11:01 > 0:11:06Seems to me, this clearing belongs to whoever wants it most,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09and right now, I'm guessing that's...us!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Not today, muntjacs!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15Oh, no! It's Steven, back from Switzerland!
0:11:21 > 0:11:23We should go!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26Hold on! We've got every right to be here.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I thought this was a deer club!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Yes, but muntjacs are not true deer!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35He knows! He knows! We should definitely go!
0:11:35 > 0:11:39All right! You win this time, Steven!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You can have your clearing!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Rubbish, anyway!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- HE BRAYS - Who is that?
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- It's Steven, back from Switzerland! - He's magnificent!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00HE GROWLS
0:12:00 > 0:12:0415,001... 15,002.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Oh, hello there! I didn't hear you come in.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10You know, keeping a tidy kitchen
0:12:10 > 0:12:13is an important part of a busy cook's life,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17and I've just been reorganising my recipes into alphabetical order.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20All 15,000 of them...
0:12:20 > 0:12:22It's taken me 27 hours...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25But well worth it...
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Anyway, now it's time for a quick snack and a break,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33but it's not a biscuit for me! Oh, no, to the biscuits!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And oh, no, to the French fancies!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39No, for me, it's a good, old-fashioned...
0:12:39 > 0:12:42blueberry. PFRRRRRT!
0:12:42 > 0:12:46Ooh! Bit of backdraft... PFRRRRRT!
0:12:46 > 0:12:52Oh! I just had a bit of afterburn... PFRRRRRT!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Oh, it's Cindy's birthday!- Yay!
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Now, you're both old enough now
0:13:15 > 0:13:18to have a nice meal out at a lovely restaurant,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20so, table manners, please, everyone.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Ooh!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Ooh!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Remember...we may be dung beetles,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30but we're as good as anyone else in here.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- Voila.- Ooh! Thank you.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36One for you, pass them on.
0:13:36 > 0:13:42Cor, blimey! Look at the prices on here! Ha! No starters, anyone.
0:13:42 > 0:13:48And no fizzy drinks! Maxwell, you're eight years old,
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- you're ordering off the children's menu.- Dad! I'm not a kid!
0:13:51 > 0:13:57- I'm 11!- I know! Hunch down in your chair. Good boy!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Mum! Mum, is that Debbie McCormack's mum and dad over there?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05They've got a swimming pool. Can we have a swimming pool?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07They're bees, Cindy. I'm sure we'd have a pool
0:14:07 > 0:14:11if your dad worked in honey, like Debbie's father.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Stupid, stripy show-off! Oi! Gerald!
0:14:14 > 0:14:20Gerald! Watch you don't sting anyone on the way out. You might die!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- DAD LAUGHS - Bonjour!
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- May I take your order? - Oh(!)- I'll have...
0:14:26 > 0:14:30the, um, buffalo-dung salad, no dressing,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Maxwell, dung, beans and chips, and, Cindy?
0:14:32 > 0:14:38Can I have dauphinoise potatoes, stuffed aubergines and...?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- THUD! - Ow! Actually, second thoughts,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I think I'll just have dung on toast, thank you.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48And I will take the elephant dung, por favour.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Tony! Watch your waistline!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Fine. The kangaroo dung. And four tap-waters.
0:14:54 > 0:15:00So, that is, four dungs, and four tap-waters. Tres bien(!)
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Maxwell, have you washed your hands? - Mum! Yes!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- All of them?- Yes!
0:15:05 > 0:15:10- Well, don't!- Your dungs.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Eurgh!- What is it now?
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Can't you smell that? Somebody stepped in something!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Eurgh! Maxwell, lift your foot up!
0:15:20 > 0:15:26- Eurgh!- Oh, Maxwell! Get it out of here, it stinks!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Why is he still here?! You promised you'd make him leave!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- Yes, yes, and I will.- And why do I have to take him to school with me?!
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- He is a French exchange student. - He's YOUR French exchange student!
0:15:39 > 0:15:44He's the same age as you! He should have left in 1988!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Well, perhaps at the end of this term.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- He's been bullying people at school. - Really?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53He steals their lunch money and spends it on strong cheese!
0:15:53 > 0:15:58Right...! Right, I shall have a word.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- VOLUME LOWERS - Ah, Philippe!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Here you are. Salut!
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Now... Now, Philippe, I'm rather disappointed in you.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- Je ne comprende pas.- Je suis... rather disappointed with you.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Quoi?- I appears that you have been bullying other children,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24which...which really rather takes the biscuit.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Bus...cuit?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Bis...bis...biscuit.- Bus...cuit?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30- Biscuit?- Basket? Joue en basket?!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Formidable! J'adore ca!
0:16:32 > 0:16:37Doof! Doof! Doof! Doof! Shoot! Je m'appelle Michel Jordanne!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Well?- A bit of a problem with the language, there.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I think I've agreed to play basketball with him.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51On-y va!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Hello!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Hello.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13- Can I help you?- Yes! I want to break the world record for hula-hooping.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I've been training for a long time, and I think I can do it.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Oh, hello, Lucy. World record for hula-hooping, please. Thank you.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- PHONE RINGS - Hello? Oh, Lucy. Thank you.
0:17:28 > 0:17:33- The longest anyone has ever hula-hooped for is 90 hours.- Easy!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Off you go.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- Do you know what hula-hooping is? - Yes! Yes I do!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53It's the most fun I've ever had in my life! Woo-hoo! All right!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55That is NOT hooping.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58What is it, then?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Hula-hooping involves gyrating the hips
0:18:04 > 0:18:10to keep the hula hoop rotating around the person indefinitely.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Oh, right! I can do that, that's easy!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I can do this. Come on...
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Right, right. I'm ready. Time me.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- How did I do?- One second. - What's the record?
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- 90 hours.- Ooh! So close!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33See you later, Mum! I'm off to the clearing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35You are not going to Deer Club today.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38You've not done any chores. Stay and help with the housework.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Mu-u-um!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- You can leave those on, as well.- Why?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- # Sunny days - Sunny days
0:18:46 > 0:18:51# I know are quite rare But I don't care, cos I'm so happy
0:18:51 > 0:18:55# Oh, so happy with the world, and I
0:18:55 > 0:18:59# What about a pretty girl? Well!
0:18:59 > 0:19:04# Maybe yes, but I'm OK, I've had Enough heartbreak through the day
0:19:04 > 0:19:07# No frills Just beans and toast tonight
0:19:07 > 0:19:09# Maybe...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12# Well, no more sunny days... #
0:19:12 > 0:19:13Mum!
0:19:13 > 0:19:17The washing's dry, the house is tidy, can I PLEASE go to Deer Club?!
0:19:17 > 0:19:21- No. Your nan needs you.- What for?
0:19:25 > 0:19:30Oh, there's a knot in here, dearie. We'll have to start over.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Here we go...
0:19:39 > 0:19:44- OK... Nearly there...- Quiet, please, Erica, I need to concentrate.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47These are highly explosive materials.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Sorry, yes, of course, sir. Sorry.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52CREAKING What's that?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56DOOR OPENS Has there been a malfunction?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Oh, no. I just remembered.- What?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04My uncle, Sir Alan Sugar, said he'd come and visit me at work today.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Ah, boys! Hail, fellow, well met! These are my friends,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Sir Ian McKellan and Sir Alex Ferguson.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Sir Ian, Sir Alex, this is my nephew, Boris.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16BOTH: Hello!
0:20:16 > 0:20:21I'm actually in the middle of something rather delicate, so, er...
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- I must get on.- Well, absolutely, don't let us disturb you!
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- We'll just watch from over here. - Quiet as mice.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32All right, then, but I must have absolute quiet.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40CREAKING What was that?!
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Some awful noise distracted my nephew Boris from his dangerous job!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Who on Earth would be so disrespectful?!
0:20:46 > 0:20:53- I feel ashamed on their behalf! - I really must get this done!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- Zip it, Knights! - CREAKING
0:20:55 > 0:20:59Absolutely quiet! OK?
0:20:59 > 0:21:02SHE SNEEZES, HUGE EXPLOSION
0:21:02 > 0:21:04CREAKING
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Well, I must say, Sir Alan Sugar,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10your nephew is a lovely chap, but not cut out for this kind of work.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Quite right. Boris...
0:21:13 > 0:21:15you're fired.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17CREAKING
0:21:19 > 0:21:23'This is the remote outer-Hebridean island of North Barrasay,
0:21:23 > 0:21:28'and this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school
0:21:28 > 0:21:30'which has only one pupil.'
0:21:30 > 0:21:36The, er, school newspaper, of course, is a very important project.
0:21:36 > 0:21:40'Because it introduces vocational skills into the curriculum?'
0:21:40 > 0:21:43No, no, because it's the only form of news on the whole island.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Apart from the blackboard outside the Post Office, of course.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- The one with the picture of the cat. - 'Yes, Mr Marmaduke. We saw that.'
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Although, Mr Marmaduke disappeared in 1998,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55so it's not exactly hot off the press!
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I like to think that he has actually gone over to the mainland.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- to find himself a better life! - SHE LAUGHS
0:22:01 > 0:22:03'So where's Ross at the moment?'
0:22:03 > 0:22:08Oh, well. Our head reporter is out hunting down a new scoop.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15I, in the meantime, have been personally setting the crossword.
0:22:15 > 0:22:16'Oh. Let's have a look.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- 'Hmm.'- If you want to read seven down.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22'Ten letters, skilled teacher. A woodworker perhaps?
0:22:22 > 0:22:23'Hmm.'
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- Begins with C.- 'Um...'
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- C and then A.- 'Um...'
0:22:30 > 0:22:31It's carpenter.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34'But carpenter only has nine letters, the clue says ten.'
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Oh, eh. Well, that's because I like to spell my name as the French do -
0:22:38 > 0:22:39with two R's.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Carpenterr.- 'Carpenterr?'
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Carpenterr.- 'Right, I've never seen it spelt like that before.'
0:22:46 > 0:22:50No, well. Um... It is a cryptic crossword so...
0:22:50 > 0:22:52DOOR OPENS
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Oh.- I've brought...
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I've brought the new words for my ferry advertisement, Valerie.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- Oh, yes.- 'Archie, is it really worth your advertising?'
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Oh, yes. I do one every edition.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07'But you're the only ferry service on the island.'
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Aye, have you seen my slogan?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14The thing is if I didnae do it then people might forget
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and try to swim and so it's a matter of public safety really.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- 'Right.'- Miss, Miss! I've got a scoop.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Stop the press! - 'What's your story, Ross?'
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Local boy tops class third year running.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Star student Ross triumphs in school's results table again.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Well I'm not sure, Ross.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36But my mum liked it and she's 23% of the readership.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40And I've managed to bag an exclusive interview with my subject.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46'So, Ross. How does it feel to be top of the class again?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49'Oh. Well, Ross, it's a great honour and completely a...'
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Ross, I'm not sure this is quite the heart of the story.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Why is this boy achieving such great results?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Hard work and talent?- No.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Because he's receiving such great teachings, you know?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Perhaps that should be the headline.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Local teacher excels again.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07I'm not sure that's the angle I want to go with, Miss.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Em, could we not put my advert on the front page?
0:24:11 > 0:24:12- No.- No!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15No-no. We're going to need to think of a headline though
0:24:15 > 0:24:17and that's for sure.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Local cat still missing.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Reported sighting actually just a hat.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33This just in.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Island boy feels lonely.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Thanks very much.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43'Cashier number three, please.'
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I'd like to apply for a passport, please.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52- Do you have a completed application form?- Yes. There you go.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55- Going on holiday. Tenerife. - I'm going to need to see photos.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Yes, OK. Um... There you go.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I can't accept these.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Oh. What? Well, why not?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- You're not looking in the camera, for a start.- Right, yes.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I was distracted, there was a wasp in the booth.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Plus you didn't take your hat off, you have to take those again.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Right. Um...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16When I've taken them,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- is it all right to come to the front of the cue?- No.- Pardon?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- You're going to have to cue again I'm afraid.- What?
0:25:22 > 0:25:23But that'll take ages!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I've only got 20 minutes for lunch.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- That's not fair.- I'm sorry, sir.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Well can't you just...- No!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'Cashier number three, please.'
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Fine.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Right. OK.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41DRUM ROLL
0:25:41 > 0:25:43LOUDER DRUM ROLL
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Witch! She's a witch!
0:25:47 > 0:25:52THEY CHANT: Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:25:52 > 0:25:57CHANTING CONTINUES
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Ha-ha, ha!
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Aargh! Ah!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05CHANTING CONTINUES
0:26:06 > 0:26:07BELL TINGS
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Ah, yes. I'd like to apply for a passport, please.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Oh.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18These cost £3.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Ah...- Ooh.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Oh. Those miniaturized hamburgers are delicious!
0:26:29 > 0:26:30How do they do that?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Miniaturized cows?- Ha-ha, maybe.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Oh! Miniature hotdogs.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38- I certainly hope those don't come from tiny dogs.- Hmm, me neither.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I didn't know you could get miniature, bite-size, sponge cakes.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Yes. I like to have sweets after the meal myself.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Nonsense!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50You must try some fish and chips. No? I'm going to have...all of them.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Huh! Look at those!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Miniature eggs? Yeah, all them.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58And miniaturized, individual, stuffed tomatoes. Delicious.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Miniaturized sausages on cocktail sticks,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02miniaturized Scotch egg bites.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04More mini-sausages,
0:27:04 > 0:27:10mini-Battenberg cakes and...a jelly.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It's extraordinary - all of this is miniaturized.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14What, are they catering for tiny people?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's just for Alan's 40th birthday.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Right. Well this miniaturized food might be all right for tiny Alan,
0:27:21 > 0:27:23but we're going to have to have rather a lot.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- You do seem to have plenty on your plate.- Oh! Well...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29It's all right cos it's not for me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32No, I was getting this for my friend Susan that came with me.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34Yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35What?
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Yeah, she says she wants me to take it in the shed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41For about 11 minutes.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47She said um... don't come in...the shed.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:06 > 0:28:09E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk