0:00:02 > 0:00:05# La la, la-la-la-la
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# La la, la-la-la-la-la-la
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# O-o-o-o-o-o-oh!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# La la, la-la-la-la
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# La la, la-la-la-la
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# La la la, la-la-la-la. #
0:00:20 > 0:00:21Martin.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Martin, I need you to get up now, please.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Dad wants you to mow the lawn and then I need you to go round
0:00:27 > 0:00:31to Mr Adams' at number 42, to run some errands. His leg's playing up.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Hmmp. Maybe my bees can help.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Sorry, what did you say?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38I said, maybe my bees can help.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Bees aren't alarm clocks.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Yes, but bees are early risers, Mrs Green.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46They know how to wake up and how to wake each other up.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49My bees will fly out of the hive, up the stairs
0:00:49 > 0:00:51and will use their gentle buzzing
0:00:51 > 0:00:53and the pleasant flapping of their tiny wings
0:00:53 > 0:00:57to rouse Martin, both firmly and gently, from sleep.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Well, brilliant. Be my guest.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01They are brilliant bees.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03I'll just give them a few brief instructions.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07B-z-z-z-z-z-z. Wake him up.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09B-z-z-z-z-z-z. The chap upstairs. B-z-z-z.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Under the duvet. B-z-z-z-z-z-z. The boy, yep. Go on.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15B-z-z-z-z-z-z. As you practised. OK, b-z-z, b-z-z.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Oh, B-Z-Z-Z!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Wake up a-go-go, my bees.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21BUZZING
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Argh! No, no, up the stairs!
0:01:24 > 0:01:26No, no! Argh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Argh! Argh!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30All right, all right! I'm up!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31That seemed to do the trick.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34No, no, no! Argh! Argh!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Brave Vikings, as you know, Brunhilda has taken
0:01:45 > 0:01:50the women away for the Annual Viking Lady Winter Picnic.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And we have been left here, looking after the baby.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Won't be a problem for such brave, fierce Vikings as us.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03Oh, no, no. There'll be no problem at all, looking after Little Sven.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- Yes?- No, no, not you, Sven. I was referring to my son.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Oh, right.- Little Sven.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Yes?- No!
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Pay attention! I knew it was a mistake to call him Little Sven.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Yes?- No! Oh, honestly, Sven,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I've had it up to my horns with you and your idiotic behaviour.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24- You drive me mad.- That's a bit harsh on the baby, Chief.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- He's only only having a little nap. - Oh!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Coochie-coochie...- Don't touch him, you'll wake him.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33He's very cute when he's asleep, isn't he?
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Oh, look at his tiny hands
0:02:37 > 0:02:38and his tiny little feet.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41And his tiny beard.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43ALL: Yes!
0:02:43 > 0:02:44- W-a-a-h! - ALL: Argh!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48- W-a-a-h! - ALL: Argh!
0:02:48 > 0:02:49- W-a-a-h! - ALL: Argh!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- W-a-a-h! - ALL: Argh!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Please, please, please, calm down.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58There is no need for screaming. It's just a little baby.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Coochie-coochie-coo.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04- Burp!- Ooh! ALL: Argh!
0:03:10 > 0:03:14'The lunchtime traffic through the town centre is very, very light,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17'making your journey an absolute breeze.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19'It's 12.30, time for The Easy Hour.'
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Mummy!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Mum, it's half past twelve, I should have been at school hours ago.
0:03:25 > 0:03:26Why didn't you wake me?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28And why did you unplug my alarm clock?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Don't whinge, Timmy. Mummy's got this under control.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Oh, but, Mummy, I'm going to be in terrible trouble
0:03:33 > 0:03:36with the headmaster and I'm going to miss backgammon club.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Don't be a negative ninny, Timmy.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I'm sorry, Mummy, you're right,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43but how am I going to get to school on time at this rate?
0:03:43 > 0:03:44That's easy, Popsy!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Mummy's going to drive you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Once we get to school, I'll use the...Time Laser.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Time Laser?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Yes, Tiddles. And once we get to the school gates,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59having breezed through the light lunchtime traffic,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01I'm going to zap you with this time-travel laser,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04popping you back four hours, just in time for double Geography.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Oh, and I get a lie-in?! Oh, Mummy, that's brilliant!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Yes, Mummy's not just a pretty face.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- Ooh!- Oh!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Time to put your uniform on.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Righty-ho and a side-order of jolly good!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Oh, let's get you to school, Timothy.- Mummy?- Mmm?
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Are you sure this is going to work? - Of course, you little worry wart.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- But...- Would you like to have a test run?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Would that set Timmy's little mind at rest?- Yes, Mummy!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Very well, Tiddles. I'm just going to set it to five minutes ago
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- when I point and shoot. - See you five minutes ago!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Bye, bye, Tiddles!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42ZAPPING
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Oh, gosh. Looks like Mummy sent you back a little bit far in time.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I'll, eh, just get the carry-cot.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03COMMENTATOR: And look at the concentration here,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06as the long jump competition reaches it's climax.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Yes, this Australian, of indeterminate age,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11is known as a bit of a practical joker in the locker rooms.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Really, Trevor? What sort of things does he get up to?
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- Mainly biting people.- I see.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19But it's down to business now. Here he comes.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23There's the American competitor! This is interesting.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25How will the officials score this?
0:05:25 > 0:05:28I don't think points are on his mind, Trevor. Watch out for that bite!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- Chocolate?- Oh, go on! Oh, violet cream ,lovely.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Oh, my go. Oh, violet cream.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38- Not my favourite, just my luck. - Hannah?
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Not a big fan of the violet creams, Have you go a caramely one?
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Yes, I'm sure I do. There we go!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Oh, sorry. Not a violet cream, a caramel.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Oh, right! They're the purple ones, aren't they?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- There we are. - No, I don't want that one.- Oh, no!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54You wanted a violet cream. They're the purple ones.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Not purple. - No, you want a violet one.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I don't want a violet cream, I want a caramel.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Right. You look at this little menu of the chocolates,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03tell me which you want and I'll get it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04- A caramel.- Which is that?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- In the green wrapper. - The violet cream?- No.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- You pointed to the violet cream. - No, I didn't.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11The caramel in the green wrapper.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15I see what's happened. I misread which one you were pointing at,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17because you've got quite a wide finger.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I thought you pointed at the green one,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21but you were pointing at the violet cream.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22There you are.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Put that back in the box.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Now, do not ask me if I want a violet cream.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I do not want a violet cream.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32I never asked for a violet cream. What kind of idiot
0:06:32 > 0:06:34wants a chocolate made out of flowers?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- I quite like them. - You stay out of it!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Gerald, give my a caramel in a green wrapper, yeah?
0:06:41 > 0:06:45And give it to me now, before I get very, very upset.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Oh, I see what's happened here. I've got all mixed up.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49- You want a green one?- Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- There you go.- Thank you.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Violet cream! - Green wrapper, like you asked.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Gerald?- Mm-hm?- Give me the box.- No.
0:07:03 > 0:07:04- Give me the box.- No.- The box.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09What happened to all the others?
0:07:09 > 0:07:10I ate them.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15So, erm, which chocolate do you want?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Violet cream.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Hmm? Delicious?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Yuch!- Another one?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Emily and Monty Forrest have been an acting, singing
0:07:30 > 0:07:33and dancing duo for seven years.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37In that time, they've auditioned for more than 17,000 roles together -
0:07:37 > 0:07:38without success.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44# Not a sound from the pavement
0:07:44 > 0:07:48# Has the moon lost her memory? #
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- Rrrr, rrrr.- Miaow.- Miaow, miaow, miaow, which is cat language for
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- "Hello!"- Hello, you two.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- Let me guess, Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat?- No!
0:07:59 > 0:08:03You big silly! Today, we're auditioning for Cats.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Well, you're both looking great.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Have you done any special preparation for the audition?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Yes, well, the reserach we've done seems to indicate
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- this is predominantly a show about- cats!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Yeah, so for the last fortnight, we've been looking at- cats,
0:08:19 > 0:08:23- studying the movements, the actions, the voices of- cats!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- And we're pretty much ready for any show that is about- cats!
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Yes, we've got it down to a fine art.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- Cats - we're actually very realistic.- Cats! Miaow!
0:08:33 > 0:08:39For example, I'm fascinated by this piece of wool. Miaow! Miaow! Miaow!
0:08:39 > 0:08:42And I actually really like eating cat food.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Mmm!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- First I've kept down. - Hmm, well done.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Just like a real cat.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Rrriow! I hate mice!
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Oh, just let me curl up by that radiator.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Often, when people are eating, I'll just get up on the table
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and, sort of, back towards them, with no trousers on.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04He-he-he! Miaow! Rrioaw!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Oh, let me at those birds, will ya?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- Rrrar! Rrrar!- Hairball.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12HE COUGHS, SHE LAUGHS
0:09:21 > 0:09:24So, all in all, I think they'll be pretty impressed.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Oops.- Eh, OK, Emily and Monty Forrest?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- That's us. Wish us luck. - Hope this isn't a cat-astrophe!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Could be cat-aclysmic!
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Yeah, feline pretty good about this one?!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Cat-egorically, yes, Monty.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Let's hope we don't need nine lives.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- It's just in here.- OK.
0:09:42 > 0:09:47- Miaow!- Rrr, rrr, rrr, m-i-i-i-aow!
0:09:55 > 0:09:56So...
0:09:56 > 0:09:57No, we didn't get it.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01I think the director thought our portrayal of the cats was too real.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Yeah, in retrospect, probably a mistake to have peed in his shoe.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- There he is, the director. - Changed his mind.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10YELPING
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Dog!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- Rriaow! Rriaow!- Woof!
0:10:13 > 0:10:17BELL RINGS
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Happy mealtime to you, love. What can I get you?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22I'd like, eh...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Oh, your big red button of doom is broken?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Yeah, I know, repair man's coming out on Tuesday to fix it.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31That's great! I mean...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35..how awful for you.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40(Her big red button's broken.)
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- (Do you mean, we can order what we like?- Without fear?)
0:10:43 > 0:10:45(Excellent!)
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Cod and chips, please!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- Me, too.- And me.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55INTERMITTENT BUZZING
0:11:03 > 0:11:04BEEPING
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:11:11 > 0:11:17Hello, hello, hello. What can I get you, little sweet cheeks?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23So, how did you get on in the maths exam?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- I got 100%.- Oh, well done, dear!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Mr Miller said it was the best exam he'd ever seen.- You worked very hard.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- We're very proud. - This calls for a treat.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- We're going to the funfair to celebrate!- Great!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- No, not you.- Why not?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Seems to me you're very good at maths.- I suppose so.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47So, you could work out what a third of our monthly gas bill might be.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48I expect so.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50A bill that you don't contribute to.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52But I only get £2 a week pocket money.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Whilst your mother and I pay the entire amount.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58It seems only reasonable that we go to the funfair.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00Oh.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Don't worry, dear. We've thought of you, you won't get bored.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05We've hired a special babysitter.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09- Mr Miller?- That's right.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12He's going to look after you - and do some extra maths.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Enjoy!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17If you'd like to get your pen out, Peter, we shall start
0:12:17 > 0:12:20with some rather difficult and challenging equations.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23Hurry up, dear. I want to hook a duck
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and then ride on the dodgems at least five times.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Have a lovely evening.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Right, OK, Peter, settle down, please.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38Can we begin with 1,953 ¸ 17, Peter.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Quickly.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- 1,900...- Quickly!- ..and 53...
0:13:08 > 0:13:13# Oh, love, love me do You know I love you
0:13:13 > 0:13:14# I'll always... #
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Hello, Cindy, darling. Nice day at school?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Whoa, whoa! Before you two start clucking,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23give us a hand bringing this shopping in.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Ooh, he bought your favourite for tea?
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, well, what's that? Dung?
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Maybe.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29O-o-o-oh!
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Less of your cheek, you. Come on.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Yeah, in a minute.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34What's the matter, Pookie?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- Oh! Cindy!- What the...?
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Thought we'd had this talk.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45But, Mum, all the other girls at school have got 'em.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48I told you, Missy.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49You're too young for dots.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Yeah, not to mention the wrong species.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54To think, a daughter of mine
0:13:54 > 0:13:57painting herself up like a cheap ladybird.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I love red, it's my favourite colour.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Be that as it maybe, we are dung beetles.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Our favourite colour is...
0:14:06 > 0:14:07brown!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10It's the colour of poo. I hate you!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13You're very immature to bring poo into this.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Now, come on, bring that dung in.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Oh!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Brown's fine with me, though, darling.
0:14:22 > 0:14:27- He-he! Check out these wing casings. - Ooh, aren't they brown?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Ooh, let me muzzle you, darling.
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Ooops, watch!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- It's not easy.- Aah! - There we go.- Yuch!
0:14:38 > 0:14:39SWOOSH!
0:14:40 > 0:14:41- What are you doing?- Golf.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Lovely, can I play?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I've only one controller, mate.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Don't worry, I've got my own gear.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51You need a controller to play properly, mate.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I'll give it a try.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Nine-iron, I think.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03HE CLEARS HIS THROAT LOUDLY
0:15:05 > 0:15:07GLASS BREAKS
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Ooh! Sliced it a bit!- Ohhh...
0:15:10 > 0:15:11- I'll go again, shall I?- Urgh!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Hello?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Is anybody here?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Jeff, let's just go, there's nobody here.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22The sign on the door said open!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- We are indeed open! Welcome! - 'Elcome!
0:15:26 > 0:15:31Do excuse Mr Faraway. He lost his W's in a fire.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34A terrible tragedy, Mr Elevenses, but there you are!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36A twerrible twagedy intweed.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- But what can you do? - Nothing. Nothing.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42But! We bid you 'elcome to...
0:15:42 > 0:15:46BOTH: The Museum of Imagination!
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Oh, I see. The Museum...
0:15:47 > 0:15:49BOTH: ..of Imagination!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Oh. Whaddaya got?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54What 'aven't we got, is a better question.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57'Hat haven't we got, indeed.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Take a look here.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Beneath this cloth of finest silk,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06there lurks the perfectly preserved head of a cyclops.
0:16:06 > 0:16:12The mythical one-eyed giant whose head was found preserved in a mountain in Greece.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- Mountains!- Well, that's incredible!
0:16:15 > 0:16:19It is the most amazing thing you will ever see!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21BOTH: In your imagination!
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- But there's nothing there! - It's empty.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26No, it is there.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28BOTH: In your imagination!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32OK, fine. What else do you have?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35All kinds of incredible things!
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Look over here!
0:16:39 > 0:16:43The diamond-encrusted death mask of Tutankhamen lies beneath.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- It is said to be cursed. - Cursed!- Cursed!
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Well, that is incredible, I have always wanted to see that. It's amazing that it's here!
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- Well, it's definitely here... - BOTH: In your imagination!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59OK, right, I got it.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I think we've had enough, come on, Jenny.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Please, please, stay!
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Have a look at our pamphlet.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09BOTH: In your imagination!
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Right, that's it! We are leaving!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15What was wrong with them? Didn't they want to see the holy grail?!
0:17:15 > 0:17:17I suppose not.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20I see you got your W's back, Mr Faraway?
0:17:20 > 0:17:22How 'onderful, Mr Elevenses.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25RELIGIOUS MUSIC PLAYS
0:17:23 > 0:17:25THEY SING A NOTE
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Hm, this looks like a classic case of photographer's eyelid.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- What does that mean? - Just blink for me?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34CAMERA SHUTTER NOISE
0:17:34 > 0:17:35It means that.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Hey! That's cool!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Stop that!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Hm! Nice shot!
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Hello, I want to break a record.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Well, you've come to the right office.- Good!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- What record?- Juggling!- Juggling.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Yes! I shall attempt to juggle the most balls ever at one time.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05What's the record?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Sandra? Juggling?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Thank you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:1212 balls.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Easy! I've been practising for years.
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Right. Off you go then.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21Oh, I've left my balls at home but I'll just juggle what's on your desk.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Well...- Don't worry!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26One, two, three, pop it in there...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30..five...that one there...
0:18:30 > 0:18:32six, seven, eight...
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Erm, I need one more. Give us your glasses!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38No, it's fine! I know what I'm doing!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Please be careful.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Prepare to be amazed!
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Never before has one man juggled 13 objects at one time!
0:18:48 > 0:18:52That, ladies and gentlemen, is about to change.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Oh...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- What's the record?- 12.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- How did I do?- None.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Oh! So close!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Just 12 off!
0:19:09 > 0:19:10Here's your glasses.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13They look fine.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS
0:19:17 > 0:19:21This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.
0:19:21 > 0:19:28And this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school which has only one pupil.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It's a nerve-wracking day for the staff at North Barrasay,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35as the Schools Inspector is visiting from the mainland.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44So, Valerie, are you worried about the School Inspector's visit?
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Och, no, no.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50I think once he engages with the children
0:19:50 > 0:19:55he's going to realise our standards are way up there with the mainland.
0:20:01 > 0:20:07Right. Class. I just wanted to have a quick chat, get to know you.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10I am the Schools Inspector but don't let that worry you,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14we don't tell off pupils, only teachers.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16HE TITTERS
0:20:17 > 0:20:20No, but seriously, her job IS on the line,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21so don't let her down.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Later, Mr Stevenson sits in on the history lesson.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Miss!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- How come we're using the new history books?- Erm...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I don't know what you mean, Ross!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43You said we couldn't use the new ones, cos I'd get them all grubby.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I'm quite sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Oh, OK.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Oh, look, it's even got how WW2 finishes!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56WE WON!!! Brilliant!
0:21:00 > 0:21:04It's not been going too well. but Valerie has a trick or two up her sleeve,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07so the class can make the best possible impression.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12Ross, if you're sure you know the answer, put up your right hand,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15if you're sure you don't know the answer, put up your left hand.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Have you got it?- I've got it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Valerie, are you sure this is a good idea?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, absolutely.
0:21:22 > 0:21:27It's just a little trick we teachers use to make the class look a bit more responsive.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33OK, ahem, right...
0:21:33 > 0:21:37Now, class, let's try a bit of physics first of all,
0:21:37 > 0:21:38just an oral test first.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41How many grammes are there in a kilogramme?
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Oh!- Yes, Ross.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Is it a thousand, Miss?- Excellent.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Ahm. Now, moving on, bit more physics.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Now, Carbon-14 is an isotope.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55What is its half-life to the nearest thousand years?
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Anybody?
0:22:00 > 0:22:01No-one?
0:22:01 > 0:22:02No? Anybody? No.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06No. OK, moving on, now let's do a bit of Spanish...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Erm, I think Ross had the answer.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- No, we're doing Spanish now.- Well, I think you should let Ross answer.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Actually, I'd rather not.
0:22:15 > 0:22:21Well, that seems very odd to me, I can't say I fully understand what's going on here.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25What I'd also like to know is why you have
0:22:25 > 0:22:30"Know" written on that hand and "Don't know" written on this hand.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35Hm? Perhaps somebody can explain to me exactly what's going on here?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Yes? Ross?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Oh, you don't know.
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Right.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Poor.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55So, Valerie, how do you think it went today?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yes, I actually think it was very productive, you know.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03And on the inspector's recommendation,
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I'm actually implementing some new staff training,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09- I'm working on it now. - Can we have a look?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Uh...well...no. No.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Valerie, has Mr Stevenson given you lines?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Well, they're more guidelines, if you like, I suppose...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24- No talking back there!- Sorry.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Could you just go? I'll get into trouble!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29I'll talk to you at the break-time if that's OK.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Valerie Carpenter! Don't make me come back there!
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Sorry. Go!
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Hi. Yeah, hi, Lily.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45No, I'm afraid I can't make it tonight.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Yeah. Yeah, I...
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Josh, this is the wrong meal. Tell her I ordered the omelette.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54What, me? Why me?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56What? I can't, Lily.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Darren...- No, I'm afraid I've...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Oi!- I've got football practice.- Oi!
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Hang on. WHAT?!
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I'm not sure I can do it. I'm rubbish at complaining.
0:24:05 > 0:24:06I always make a mess of it.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11- Tell her I ordered the omelette! - She doesn't look very friendly. And I bet she hates ghosts.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Here we go again! Whining on about being a ghost! I'm sick of it!
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Hi, Lily, yeah, I think...
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I can come round after football practice.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Just tell her!
0:24:22 > 0:24:24How did the exams go?
0:24:24 > 0:24:25Erm...
0:24:27 > 0:24:28- HIGH VOICE:- Excuse me!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31What?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34HE MOUTHS
0:24:37 > 0:24:38WHOOO!!!!
0:24:40 > 0:24:41It's a ghost!
0:24:41 > 0:24:43THEY ALL SCREAM
0:24:48 > 0:24:50I know, but you can't say that.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52It's incredibly offensive in New Zealand.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Guys, could you hold...? >
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Guys, could you...?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- It's your friend Louise. - Oh, right, yeah. Hold the lift.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- We'll never do anything to embarrass her.- Or she'll inflate, believe me, I remember.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- And she embarrasses very easily. - Don't worry.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Oh, hi, guys.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Oh, thank you. Oh...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Number three, please.- Yeah.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20FARTING NOISE
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Oh, no...
0:25:21 > 0:25:26RUMBLING NOISE
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Oh, no, it's happening again.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Erm...second floor. Is this where you two get out?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43This could take a while.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47PHONE RINGS
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Nice day for it!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Toothache, is it?- Yes.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58- I've got a toothache. - You wanna get that seen to.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- I AM getting it seen to. - Oh, that's good.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- You can go next if you like. - I AM in next.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06What you need is something to take your mind off it.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08WAHEY!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11SHE MOANS WITH PAIN
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It's, "WAYHEY!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Not, "Argh!"
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Right, let's give it a go.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19WAHEY!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Wah-argh-oh!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25Still not really getting the "WAHEY!" effect.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I like what you did with your arms though.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29But you wanna get them up above your head,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32not like you're holding a couple of lemons.
0:26:32 > 0:26:33Maybe one more go.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36And I'm not forgetting you in all of this!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Right. Here we go...
0:26:39 > 0:26:40WAHEY!
0:26:40 > 0:26:44Look. Can you please just shut up and leave me alone?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48Not bad, at least you're standing up, we'll work on the words later.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Oh, I'm in pain!
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Not quite! WAHEY!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55WAHEY!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Oh! The pain's gone!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01That's it! WAHEY!
0:27:01 > 0:27:02WAHEY!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03BOO!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- BOO!- BOO!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07BOO!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09- Right, who's next?
0:27:09 > 0:27:10- She is.- No, I'm not!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Oh, yes you are! He's done it. I've done it... It's your turn.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15There's no need to be nervous.
0:27:15 > 0:27:16No, I'm waiting for a friend.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Of course. C'mon now, come with me...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Leave her alone! She's next!
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- WAHEY!- WAHEY!
0:27:24 > 0:27:25- WAHEY!- WAHEY!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26WAHEY!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28WAHEY...ohhh!
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Let's see if we can't take the bite out of that spaniel. This way.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Subtitles by FH Middleton Red Bee Media
0:27:51 > 0:27:52Email Subtitling@bbc.co.uk