0:00:02 > 0:00:05# La, la, la, la, la, la
0:00:05 > 0:00:08# La, la, la, la, la, la, la
0:00:08 > 0:00:10# Ooh
0:00:10 > 0:00:13# La, la, la, la, la, la
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# La, la, la, la, la, la
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# La, la, la, la, la, la, la. #
0:00:20 > 0:00:22BELL RINGS
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Oh, it's you again.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25- Hello!- Hello!- Hi!
0:00:25 > 0:00:26HE BURPS
0:00:26 > 0:00:28What do you want this time?
0:00:28 > 0:00:32- Any old jobs needing round the house?- No, there's nothing.
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Come on! We're here to help!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35WHISTLE BLOWS
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Dib, dib, dob, dob, dib, dib, dob, dob...
0:00:37 > 0:00:39No, really. I'm fine!
0:00:39 > 0:00:44All right, fellas, let's get started.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- Stop! What are...? - Would you like a cup of tea?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50- Wait! No, you...- Milk?- I...
0:00:52 > 0:00:53- Hold on!- Sugar?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- Now, listen...- Custard tart?- Oh!
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Mmm, lovely!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Right, job done. Let's move out!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Dib, dib, dob, dob, dib, dib, dob, dob...
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Cheerio!- But...
0:01:16 > 0:01:21- Ho, ho, ho! What a marvellous spread. - Yes, it is rather good, isn't it?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- I don't believe we've met. I'm Roger.- Father Christmas. Oh, donuts.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29- Lovely.- It's a nice costume. Are you wearing that for a kid's party?
0:01:29 > 0:01:31No, I'm the actual real Father Christmas.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34- Oh, mini Kievs!- You're not the real Father Christmas, though, are you?
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- I've definitely seen you at a buffet before.- That's unlikely.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40- Tell me, do you like gala pie? - I'm not that keen...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Would you do me a slice?- Mm-hm.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Not that one. Not that one. Not that one.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50That one. Thanking you.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54That potato salad looks very Christmassy, don't you think?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57I'll take some of that for Donner. Kebabs. Delicious.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00If you're Father Christmas, what are you doing taking food off a buffet?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Oh-ho! This food's not for me, no.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05This is for the kiddies.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Ho, mini sausages!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Children don't want mini sausages for Christmas.- They do!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13No! They want toy cars and computer games and dolls with realistic hair.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Listen, in my experience as the real Father Christmas,
0:02:16 > 0:02:20most children wake up Christmas morning and the thing they dream of
0:02:20 > 0:02:23most of all is an entire gala pie and a bowl of olives.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- You're not Father Christmas!- I may not be the real Father Christmas,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30but this is real salami and I'm having it.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Now, if you don't mind, I shall go out to my sleigh,
0:02:33 > 0:02:37where I will distribute this delicious lemon drizzle cake
0:02:37 > 0:02:40slice by slice to all the good children. Ho, ho, ho!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Merry Christmas!
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- It's July.- What, you're saying this lot won't keep?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Better have it now. Rudolf! Open the pickles!
0:03:04 > 0:03:08I did it! I completed level ten!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10That's wonderful news. How fabulous.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15I had to collect 7,000 apples, it took five days, but I did it!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Now the level ten trophy is mine!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20That's brilliant. Let's make some room on the trophy shelf.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Right. Let's move the Moon of Ephandor,
0:03:24 > 0:03:29the jewel-encrusted crystal orb I received for completing level five.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30And let me just move
0:03:30 > 0:03:34my International Champion of the Mountains trophy.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35So what did you win?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Yes! 7,000 apples - it must be pretty impressive.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- It wasn't another apple, was it? - THEY LAUGH
0:03:41 > 0:03:43No, of course not!
0:03:43 > 0:03:44It's a pear.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Oh, um...
0:03:47 > 0:03:52- Oh, well that's...nice.- Yes. Congrat... Congratulations.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Uh, very impressive.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58You know, recently I've found it quite hard to get motivated,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02but seeing that there makes it all seems really worthwhile.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Wo-ho!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Level 12 is toast! Check it out!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Ha-ha! Mission accomplished!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11High five!
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Anyone?
0:04:20 > 0:04:24These are so hot right now. Everyone at school is doing them.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I did them first, of course. But they are way hot.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Yeah, they're so hot. - They're so hot.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- They're so hot. - Do you want to know what's hot?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- What?- What?- What?- What?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36The Beast of Bodmin. Hot.
0:04:36 > 0:04:41- Oh, yeah, it's so hot.- Hot. Hot. - Yeah, really hot.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43- You want to know what's not hot? - No, what?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44- What?- What?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46The letter K.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- The letter K, no.- So not hot. - Not hot.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51SHE SNORTS
0:04:51 > 0:04:53I, like, got everyone some ice cream.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- Oh, wow!- Like, help yourselves. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01OK. Thank you. Gosh, ice cream is so hot right now.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Come on!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Amy?!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18I've led a noble life!
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Oh! Oh, you are so not hot right now!
0:05:21 > 0:05:22ALL: You are so not hot!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- So not hot!- She's so not hot! - We are hot.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Someone fix this, I can't do it.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33Hiya! Harry Bold's here.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Boldly adventuring where so few have adventured before.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Today I'm going mountain biking!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Wow! Scary, innit? I know. But don't worry about me.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44I'll be fine. I went to a shop,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47and this bloke sold me all the kit I could possibly need.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Plus, I'm not doing this alone. Oh, no.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53I'm joined by my friend, Terry Brave. He's sharing the danger.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55All right.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57OK, let's talk kit.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01It's just like the ones they use at the Olympics,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03only completely different.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07It's made of a very special metal that's been invented by science,
0:06:07 > 0:06:10called Bikeum, and even though it might look like an old lady's bike,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13it's definitely not. As the bloke in the shop said,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17"You wouldn't pay £2,000 for an old lady's bike."
0:06:17 > 0:06:21And I did pay £2,000 for this. So it can't be. Can it?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23What about you, Terry? What have you got?
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I've got a bike.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27How many gears?
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Dunno.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Right.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31OK. Other kit.
0:06:31 > 0:06:38Shin pads. Knee pads. Thigh pads. Arm pads. Hand pads. Elbow pads.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Shoulder pads. Chin pads. Nose pads. And ear muffs.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44I've got mittens.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Special mittens?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Well, they're on a bit of elastic so I can't lose 'em,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51so, yeah, pretty special.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Cos I'm going mountain biking, I've got a mountain.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00A bloke in the shop sold it to me, but it was too big
0:07:00 > 0:07:03to get in the boot of my car, so I left it in my garden at home.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06The neighbours aren't too happy, but still.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What else have you got, Terry?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Uh, I've got this woolly hat. - Is that it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13And, um, me mam made me some sandwiches for later.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Right. And is that in a carbon reinforced, Kevlar-based,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19anti-ballistic, food safety containment device?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21No, they're just wrapped in foil.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Right.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28Between you and me, I think Terry's in some serious danger.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29What's that?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Uh, nothing. Come on, let's go mountain biking!
0:07:41 > 0:07:45No. That's not for me.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I quite liked it.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Brave Vikings, I have seen the future,
0:08:03 > 0:08:05and it is clear.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08You mean you've been given the power of foresight, oh, Chief?
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Oh... I mean, it is clear.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16It is see-through. It is glass.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Glass?
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Yes! No longer do we need to drink from the skulls of our enemies
0:08:22 > 0:08:26or peer through windows made of mud. No.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31From now on, we shall make, use and sell glass.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34ALL: Ooh!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- But I like drinking from the skulls of my enemies!- Ssh!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- They give Zolaf the willies! - They do.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44So, to set the ball rolling, I have turned our Viking council chamber
0:08:44 > 0:08:48into a glassware hut.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51ALL: Ooh!
0:08:51 > 0:08:56- This glass is incredible!- Aye! Some freshly picked wild flowers
0:08:56 > 0:08:59will look beautiful in that crystal vase.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03- Is there anything else you can do with glass, oh, Chief?- Why, yes!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07You can fashion a thing called a looking glass.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12HE SCREAMS
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Viking!- Viking!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16THEY ALL SCREAM
0:09:19 > 0:09:24Oh, do not be scared. It's just your reflections!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28HE SCREAMS
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Viking!
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Perhaps, on second thoughts, we should get rid of all this glassware
0:09:35 > 0:09:38and go back to drinking out of skulls.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42HE SCREAMS
0:09:42 > 0:09:44THEY ALL SCREAM
0:09:47 > 0:09:51RINGTONE: "I'm On Fire"
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Hello?- 'Is that Mr Witchfinder General, sir?'
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Speaking.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08- 'Good morning, sir. How are you today?'- Fine. Sorry, what is this?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11'Well, Mr General, this is just a brief courtesy call
0:10:11 > 0:10:13'from your mobile phone service provider.'
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Oh. Right. It's just that, um... - 'Did you know that by
0:10:16 > 0:10:19'switching your contract, you'll be able to save up to £20 a year?'
0:10:19 > 0:10:22No, I didn't know that. It's just that I'm in the middle of...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25'..we'll be able to offer you a free upgrade.'
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- Could you call back later? - 'It won't take a minute.'
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Right. I don't really... - 'I see that, on average,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33'you send 30 texts a month and you use, on average,
0:10:33 > 0:10:34'130 minutes of talk time.'
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- I...- 'I'd like to upgrade to our Business Talk Time package.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40'We offer discount for your most popular numbers...'
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Witch! He's a witch!
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- 'Sorry? Witch?- Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- 'No, get off me! Argh! - Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!'
0:10:55 > 0:10:56HE SIGHS
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's burnt now.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- What's the matter?- It's the clearing.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- The council are planning on selling it for building land.- No way!
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Sorry, sorry.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Where will we do our deer stuff?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Hey, it's not so bad.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Deer Club's not a place. It's an idea.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29It's a set of principles.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31We can be deer anywhere!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Ah! They were supposed to have removed these before we got here.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41It's just not the same.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Argh!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50- What do we want?- The clearing!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- When do we want it? - Tuesdays and Saturdays!
0:11:52 > 0:11:53- What do we want?- The clearing!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- When do we want it? - Tuesdays and Saturdays.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57- What do we want?- The clearing!
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- When do we want it? - It's the man from the council.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03What on earth are you people doing?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07We're protesting. We're trying to save this clearing. For Deer Club.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11- Deer Club?- Yes. You know, we hang out and do deer stuff.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Moving quietly and swiftly across the ground.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18- Eating small portions of fruit. - There's a club? For that?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21We meet here every Tuesday and Saturday. Al least, we did.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Sounds brilliant! Can anyone join?
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Not that easy. It's a very difficult selection process.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Antlers! No, we're always looking for new members.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35All right, lads, you can go home.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36This clearing is safe.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Look at him. He's getting it all wrong.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53And that jacket! I told him, autumn tones!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56He's the worst Deer Club member we've ever had.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00- Do you want to go back to the Leisure Centre?- No, but look - watermelon?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03When have you ever seen a deer eat watermelon ever?
0:13:03 > 0:13:08- It's like he's not even trying! - Steven! Just smile and wave.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Yes, it's vertical, not horizontal, you idiot!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Dad, I've had enough. Why is he still here?
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Well, you see, Danny, he's a guest in our house.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26He's been here since before I was born!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Why doesn't he go back to France?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31It might be useful for you to have an exchange student,
0:13:31 > 0:13:32help you with French.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I don't even do French!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Well, it's nice to have a multicultural...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Look what he did to my Dalek!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Right. Right, I'll sort this out.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48LOUD FRENCH MUSIC
0:13:48 > 0:13:50HE TURNS THE MUSIC DOWN
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Ah. Philippe. There you are.- Salut!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Now, I...I don't want to crack the whip, here, but...
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Danny's rather upset about his Dalek.
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Peter, je ne comprends pas.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08You...you see, you've painted a tricolore flag on the Dalek.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- Oui. Liberte, egalite... - IMPERSONATES DALEK:- ..fraternite!
0:14:12 > 0:14:17I don't think it's fair that Danny should have to foot the bill...
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Foot...bull?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- Foot the bill?- Foot...?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21- Yes, foot!- Foot? Foot!
0:14:21 > 0:14:27Formidable! J'adore le foot! Je m'appelle Zinedine Zidane.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29He shoot! He score!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31HE LAUGHS
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Well?
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Eh... A bit of a problem with the language, there.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41I think I've agreed to play football with him.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44HE SIGHS
0:14:46 > 0:14:47On y va.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49HE SINGS IN FRENCH
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Ah! That's lovely, Steven. Keep up the good work.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Really nice chopping.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Oh, now watch those scallops don't burn, Ian.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04Otherwise, very good work. Lovely.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Hello.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Hi.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And what are you making?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Uh, spicy lentil soup,
0:15:14 > 0:15:18followed by sizzling chicken wings in a hot chilli sauce
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and finishing off with a banana flambe.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, and ten rounds of toast on the side.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Aren't you worried that's all a bit...?
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Oh, no. No, I can do it. I like a challenge.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32No, I meant, wouldn't it be better to try to cook something...
0:15:32 > 0:15:36colder, like a nice lemon sorbet or a lettuce and carrot...?
0:15:36 > 0:15:37What?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40No. I didn't mean carrot. I meant...
0:15:40 > 0:15:41tomato.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- Right. Yeah, I see what you're saying.- What?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You think that I can't cook.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50No, no. It's just...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53You think that cos I'm made out of snow, I'm a second-class citizen.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Well, that kind of thing just hurts my feelings.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I've got a heart, you know?
0:15:59 > 0:16:04Oh, yeah. I haven't got a heart, obviously, but I've got...a hat.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Now, if you don't mind...
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Oh, the pan's hot!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Ah...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Maybe I'll serve the soup cold...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21I'll be in the freezer if you need me.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27All the tests have come back,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and I'm afraid you've got percussionist's buttock.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31HE PLAYS A RHYTHM
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It's more pronounced on the other side.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36COMPLEX JAZZ RHYTHM
0:16:42 > 0:16:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Oh, no, what's this, Tony?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Well, you're always complaining about the old telly, so...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I bought a new one from the flea market.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Oh! From who?
0:17:16 > 0:17:17A wasp.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20But don't worry, I didn't get stung!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Anyway, this is state of the art.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- Brand new from the factory. - Why's it covered in cobwebs?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28I dunno. Factory was run by a spider, probably.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Why didn't you get them to deliver?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31And pay extra?
0:17:31 > 0:17:32I am a dung beetle.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37I'm used to shifting fives times me own weight across the desert plains.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39A telly isn't dung!
0:17:39 > 0:17:40This one is.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42You shut your mouth! I dunno why I bother, anyway.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44There's never anything on.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48- On telly?- Yeah. Load of old rubbish.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Just pop music and reality shows. What's wrong with a good book?
0:17:52 > 0:17:54When's the last time YOU read a book?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It hasn't got an antenna. How are we gonna get a signal?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Make yourself useful, son.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Left a bit...left a bit.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05No, MY left!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08That's it. Up...down...
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Oh, look! There's a programme starting.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13'..part of the outback's fragile eco system...'
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Told you.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Just boring old reality shows.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18That kid's from my school.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Argh!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34So, the prince kissed Sleeping Beauty, who awoke,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36and they fell in love and lived happily ever after.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39- That's nothing, mate.- What?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42All that sleeping for 100 years nonsense. It's rubbish.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Mind you, I was up Southampton way one time,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47doing this boiler installation, yeah?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Ringing on a bloke's doorbell - no answer.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Fallen fast asleep. Spark out.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55So I climbed up next door's drainpipe with a boiler on me back.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Onto the roof, jump onto the next building,
0:18:57 > 0:19:01abseil down through the kitchen window, start the installation.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05Turns out, the bloke who's house it is, it's only that Daniel Craig's!
0:19:05 > 0:19:09James Bond, see? He's woken up when he's heard me on the drainpipe,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12he's seen me swinging through the windows and that. He says,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I would make a brilliant stunt man.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Would I like to do all his stunts on the new James Bond film?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Starts shooting in Prague next month.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I thought about it for a while, you know? But...
0:19:22 > 0:19:25I don't care for Eastern European food, so I said no, ta.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28It's all pickled veg and sausage. Makes me guff.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30What are you talking about?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34Still, I charged him double time on the boiler installation. Quids in.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Boiler? A van? Where do you get this from, you're nine!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Anyway, look, gotta get me head down.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43I've got a 100-mile round trip tomorrow to pick up a generator.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44- Night.- But...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51This is the remote Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54And this is Valerie Carpenter,
0:19:54 > 0:19:58head and only teacher at the school which has only one pupil.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02It's the day before Valentine's Day on North Barrasay,
0:20:02 > 0:20:04and love is in the air.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Ross, can you tell us what you're doing?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Um, we have to do Valentine's cards and then deliver them,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11but we're not allowed to sign them.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14I think these traditions, you know, are important.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Completely innocent. But I think it teaches the children
0:20:18 > 0:20:21fundamental social skills for later in life.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Right. So, Ross, who's your card for?
0:20:24 > 0:20:25I'm not saying!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Although, you might notice I'm using the red ink
0:20:29 > 0:20:30on my four-coloured biro.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32So, it's for someone special.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Next day, and there's a surprise in the post for everyone.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Congratulations, Ross.- Oh, thanks.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It's a bit of a surprise, really.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I see you've got a card there, too, Valerie.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50Oh, yes, yes. I'm not normally one to be giving over to the silliness,
0:20:50 > 0:20:54you know, but it's nice to know I have an admirer.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Any idea who it might be?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Um, well...
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I could imagine one of the latest additions to the island.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Who?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10What?
0:21:10 > 0:21:13No, it's nothing. Just, as documentary makers,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15we're here to observe and not to interact.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Obviously, we're not allowed to do anything
0:21:18 > 0:21:19that affects your way of life here.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23That's not true! Richard the soundman borrowed my bike ages ago
0:21:23 > 0:21:26and he hasn't given it back! ..Where is it, Richard?
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Ross, he can't answer you. He's just an observer.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31He's been observing my bike for three weeks!
0:21:33 > 0:21:34If it wasn't you...?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Oh, my goodness. Um...
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- Home time! Home time! - But it's only half nine, Miss.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Well, you've worked very hard today, so, um...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47Perhaps you could lock up?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54So, are you sure it was Ross?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58I'm afraid it's one of the risks of being a rather charismatic teacher.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Embarrassing though it is, I am trained to deal with this.
0:22:02 > 0:22:07And I will be managing the situation very sensitively.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Oh, Ross, I can't bear this any more.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- We need to talk about this card. - Do we have to, Miss?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33Yes! It's just not right that you're sending me Valentine's cards.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34I did not!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I sent my card to Abi!
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Who's Abi?- My nurse! I met her when I went to the mainland
0:22:40 > 0:22:44to have my appendix out. I did not send you a card. You sent me one!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I did not! Your mother asked me to put that on your desk!
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Oh! Oh, right! That's a relief.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Good gracious, Ross! As if I would!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59That still doesn't solve the mystery of who sent YOUR card, Valerie.
0:23:05 > 0:23:12Eh, I found these on the headland, Valerie. I thought you might, um...
0:23:14 > 0:23:15..you might make use of them.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Oh?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Oh, thank you, Archie.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Oh, they smell of the sea!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23They're plastic.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Oh, yes!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Shall I go home early, Miss, and leave you two alone?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30No, stay exactly where you are.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44WHISTLE BLOWS
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Oi! You!
0:23:52 > 0:23:53No stepping on the cracks!
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Right! Nobody's going anywhere until somebody tells me
0:24:09 > 0:24:11exactly who did this.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- Richard. Do you know?- No, Miss!
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- What about you, Tammy? - No idea, Miss.
0:24:19 > 0:24:25Tammy lied! For she knew exactly who had done the deed.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- She'd seen the whole thing. - No, I didn't!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- Tammy?- Really...I didn't!
0:24:31 > 0:24:36Tammy knew that revealing the culprit would be social suicide.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40The boy who had done it was the most popular guy in the school.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Which is why she would never snitch on...Richard.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Right! Richard, outside.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I'm taking you straight to the head.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Thanks a lot, Tammy(!)
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Tammy had blown it. Again!
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Hello!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Hello.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I've come to break the world record for pogo jumping.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Yes. I thought you might.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16Ah, Patterson. I need to know the world record for pogo jumping.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18No... No, pogo, Patterson.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Thank you.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25The world record stands at 12 hours and 27 minutes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Easy! I've been training for this since I was a little boy.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Pogo jumping is my life!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Let me just get ready.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42I'm just warming up. It's very important.
0:25:42 > 0:25:47Otherwise I could give myself a very nasty injury.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48OK, I'm ready.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53On your marks, get set, go.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57Oh, sorry. I'll do that again.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Right. No, this is the one.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Argh!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Argh... How long did I do?
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Three seconds.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, so close!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Oh, yes. That would be wonderful. What sort of...?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18PHONE DIES
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Oh. Oh, no battery.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Oh. Um...
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Ah! A telephone box! Great!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47- Can I help you?- Yes. I'm afraid you have some toilet paper on your shoe.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49- Do I?- Yes. There.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Oh, no, how embarrassing.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Oh, it's not too bad. I'll tell you an embarrassing moment.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56The other day, I was on a canal boat...
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Oh, no. I can hear it. Can you hear it?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01No. RUMBLING
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Oh, no!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Uh...- Toilet tissue on my shoe...
0:27:05 > 0:27:10- It's nothing, it's nothing. - Lavatory room. Oh...
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, no!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Oh! Oh, eh, I'll just leave you to it.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25You gonna be long?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Um...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I may be a little while.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:38 > 0:27:41E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk