0:00:20 > 0:00:21Come on!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Come on!
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Oh, stupid broadband! And probably wifi has gone down again.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Ooh, that makes me really jolly cross.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Stupid broadband and internet router!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37- Maybe my bees can help.- Your what?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I said, maybe my bees can help.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Your bees? - I see where your confusion lies.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45You think of bees as simple pollen-gatherers
0:00:45 > 0:00:47or irritating stinging machines.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50But bees can also carry information on their backs.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- They can?- Yes, indeedy-o.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I shall issue my bees with a few simple instructions,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and they will fly from here right to the heart of ThinkBot,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01the giant robot computer that lives at the centre of the internet.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05They will gather your information and fly it back to your laptop,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07carrying it on their tiny yet hairy backs.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11I don't think the internet is run by a giant robot called ThinkBot.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14So I shall give them some simple instructions.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Go on, then.
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz! Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzzzz, ThinkBot!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Bzz-bzz-bzz, retrieve the information.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Bzz-bzz-bzz, doesn't believe me about ThinkBot, stupid woman.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz-bzz!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Ooh! Almost forgot. Buzz-buzz!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Fly, my little hive-minded beauties!
0:01:37 > 0:01:40No! Agh!
0:01:40 > 0:01:41No! Argh! Agh!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44No, do the internet thing! Agh! No, not me!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Argh! Aiee!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49HE SHOUTS AND SCREAMS
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Oh, it's OK. It's back up and running.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Aaaarrrgh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07And so to the last item on the agenda.
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Sven, there have been reports, when you're swimming in the fjord,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- you don't get out when you need to do a widdle.- It's true!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18- He doesn't get out the fjord! - Olaf Sigurdsson, you take that back.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You take that back right now. I always get out of the fjord
0:02:21 > 0:02:24to do a widdle. It's Erik who doesn't.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- That's a lie!- All right! Let's not have an argument, yes?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Now, tonight is Thor's Day night,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34and as everybody in Svenskop knows,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Thor's Day night is movie night! - THEY CHEER
0:02:38 > 0:02:43I love movie night, almost as much as I love quiche night.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47- We don't have a quiche night! - Yes, we do!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Sorry, I forgot. The first rule of quiche night
0:02:49 > 0:02:52is you don't talk about quiche night.
0:02:52 > 0:02:57The second rule is, always blind-bake the pastry casing
0:02:57 > 0:02:59for extra crunch.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03As I was saying, Thor's Day night is movie night,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06and we have an extra-special treat this week,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10because the movie is... The Last Airbender!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12THEY SHOUT HAPPILY
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Of all the Airbenders, the last is definitely the best.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18No, no, wait. I haven't finished.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21The Last Airbender...in 3D!
0:03:21 > 0:03:24THEY SHOUT IN DELIGHT
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Oh!
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- None of you know what 3D is, do you? - Is it a type of quiche?
0:03:29 > 0:03:33No, and you're very much forgetting the first rule of quiche night.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35A 3D movie is amazing.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39It looks as if everything is coming right at you.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- It is fantastic!- Ooh!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45Yes. You are right to go "ooh", Vikings.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49But you can only watch a 3D film if you are wearing these -
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- 3D spec-tackles. - THEY GRUNT CURIOUSLY
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Pop these on, and then everything becomes 3D
0:03:57 > 0:04:02and incredibly realistic, and it's like it's in the room with you.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Huh? Pop them on.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Aagh! Vikings!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Vikings everywhere in the room! They're so real!
0:04:11 > 0:04:13THEY YELL IN TERROR
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Look at this cup! It's frighteningly real!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Take... Take them off. And stamp on them!
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Well, that's quite enough of this 3D.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29From now on, let's just watch Countryfile,
0:04:29 > 0:04:30in 1D.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37All we have to do now is invent the television.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39THEY SIGH
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Now, this maths test will last one hour.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Remember, show all your working in order to get the extra half points.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And it must be filled in with an HB pencil.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Your one hour begins now.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01- Eddie?- What?
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- Can I borrow an HB pencil?- Yeah!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- Great!- Would you like to borrow my extra-special best pencil
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- that I got from the pencil museum in the summer holiday?- Fine.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15OK! I'll get it for you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20HE GRUNTS
0:05:22 > 0:05:24There you go!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Eddie?- What?
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Can I borrow another pencil?
0:05:32 > 0:05:35What's wrong with the one that I lent you?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- It's a bit big. - Exactly! Which means it's better.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Eddie, it's too big.- Unbelievable!
0:05:44 > 0:05:48I gave you my extra-special best pencil,
0:05:48 > 0:05:52that I haven't even used yet, and do you say thank you?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55No, you don't. That pencil came from the pencil museum
0:05:55 > 0:05:57in the Lake District, yeah?
0:05:57 > 0:06:01- You are so ungrateful! - Daniel Stevens!
0:06:01 > 0:06:05Edwin Farley-Biggington! Stop this chat this instant,
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- or it'll be a straight fail and a week's detention.- Sorry, sir!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13All... All right, Eddie. I'll use... I'll use your pencil. Thanks.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16You're welcome!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I think you made a mistake, you know. Hold on one sec.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- I'm Eddie Bigg!- Ssh!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Sorry! Sorry!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Whoo-hoo! That was brilliant!
0:06:47 > 0:06:49I can't believe I got through to the finals
0:06:49 > 0:06:52of the world Reading In The Dark championship.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Yeah. But I got knocked out in the first round
0:06:55 > 0:06:58because I'm scared of the dark, and I can't read when I'm scared.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Well, next year, my friend, you will fear the dark no more.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- Really?- Yeah. I've got something that'll help you get over that fear.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Just follow me.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12THUNDER ROARS HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Yes, yes, yes!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Hang on!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Is this one of your mad experiments? - No!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- Ooh, how could you think that? - Well, because the...
0:07:25 > 0:07:28And the... And all of the...
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- Oh, never mind.- Behold!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Anti-fear lozenge,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35AF...5...
0:07:35 > 0:07:370...6.
0:07:37 > 0:07:43- It IS one of your mad experiments! - Well, only a bit.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- Well, I'm not trying it. I'd rather stay scared of the dark.- Why?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Your experiments always go wrong, and I'm always the one who suffers.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- That is so not true!- What about the time I said I could hear better
0:07:55 > 0:07:59- through one ear than the other? - I tried to help balance them out.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Yeah. It didn't work, did it?
0:08:01 > 0:08:04HE SCREAMS
0:08:04 > 0:08:07My ear muffs didn't fit. My big ear was freezing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Well, I have much better experiments now.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- I've read a book and everything. - I'm still not trying it.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16If you don't try it,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20I'm going to tell everyone how you practised for the school disco
0:08:20 > 0:08:23by filming yourself dancing in your pants.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I'd love to try your experiment!
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Ooh! Hang on. I can feel something happening.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Let's see if you're still scared of the dark.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Ah. Er...that shouldn't have happened.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Oh! I've got a lamp growing out of my head!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Yeah, but are you still scared of the dark?
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Aaaaaaagh!
0:08:55 > 0:08:57So, what seems to be the problem?
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Well, one day a funny little man came into the village
0:09:00 > 0:09:03and said he would give whoever could beat him at a race
0:09:03 > 0:09:06around the wishing well a golden apple!
0:09:06 > 0:09:08- Wishing well. Right. - The night before the race,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11three little mice said they could give me a potion
0:09:11 > 0:09:15which would help me win the race, and surely get that golden apple.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- It sounds to me like you're in a fairy tale.- Oh, right!
0:09:18 > 0:09:22- What can I do? - Well, if you take this magic mirror,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and when the moon is high, make a wish,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and you'll receive your heart's desire.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31- And eat lots of vegetables.- Will that help with the fairy-tale thing?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- No. It's just good advice generally. - Oh, right. Well, thank you, doctor.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40HE COUGHS
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Oh, cheers! I was getting no joy with the old huff and puff.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Oh, my stars! You haven't seen three pigs around here, have you?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- No. Sorry. - Thanks again, doctor.- No problem.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- Oh, and you should live happily ever after.- Oh, wicked!
0:09:55 > 0:09:57HE COUGHS AND PANTS
0:09:57 > 0:10:00You ever consider making this thing out of straw?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Hello! Me again!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- Hi! How are you?- Ah. Hello, Simon.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Well, look at this! This looks like a lot of fun.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18- It is a lot of fun, Mrs Perkins. - You've got a new stall idea for us?
0:10:18 > 0:10:24Absolutely. It's a brand-new idea I call the Tunnel of Treasure.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- It's sort of like a pirate game. - That does sound like fun.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It sounds fun because it is fun.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32So tell us more. Come on.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35You pay your 10p. You put on...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37this eye-patch.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42And...this eye-patch on.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50And then you take an exciting trip through the Tunnel of Treasure.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54All around, I've stuck fun prizes.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57You just reach around and collect your booty.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I must say, I think that sounds cracking.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Yes. But look out for mousetraps!
0:11:04 > 0:11:06SNAPPING
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Mousetraps?- Real mousetraps?
0:11:08 > 0:11:12It wouldn't be a lot of fun without that extra zingy element.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15So...how many mousetraps are in there?
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Oh, hardly any. Hardly any at all. About 2,000.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- 2,000 mousetraps?- It's a lot bigger in there than you think.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25You need all those mousetraps to keep it fun.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Hmm... - Come on. You are guaranteed a prize,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31and you come out feeling like a treasure hunter!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Go on, headmaster. Give it a spin!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Oh, I've got a pretty bad back at the moment, so no.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Governor? - What did you say the prizes were?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Perkins! - Sorry. Er, no, thanks, Simon.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48Well, you'll be sad when I come out with all the treasure!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50That's a risk I'm willing to take.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Right, then. It's off a-treasure-hunting I go!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58MUSIC: "CAPTAIN PUGWASH" THEME
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Right! Let's have a good feel round for some treasure!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Ooh-arr!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- SNAPPING - Aah! Agh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- SNAPPING CONTINUES - Aah! Argh, agh!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16HE MOANS
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- Are you all right, Simon?- All right?
0:12:21 > 0:12:26- I'm brilliant! I won the treasure! - Well, that's something. What is it?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Ooh! It's a mousetrap! - SNAPPING
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Aaaaaaaaagh!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Aaaaaaaaagh!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38So - what do you reckon? Will you let me know?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41We'll let you know.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46If you want my advice, never try and dye your hair by yourself.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Especially if you're bald.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56It's rude to stare!
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Yes?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Afternoon, ladies. I'm from the electricity board.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- I need to check your meter. - Who is it?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07- It's an electric man.- Is it TRON?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- Are you TRON?- No.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- He says he's not TRON.- If he's made of electricity, don't touch him.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16The shock will rip through you. Your hair will go all Jedward.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18It's all right. I'm very well grounded.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- I've got on rubber stockings. - I'm not electric.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25- I'm from the electricity board, to read your meter.- Read a meter?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- Rita Skeeter?- Reet petite, the finest girl you ever want to meet?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- Eat my feet off? - No. I'd like to read your meter.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- You can't read a metre! - What are you on about?
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- A metre is a length!- It's a million centimetres. Everyone knows that.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- You can't read a length! - No, your electricity meter,
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- to see how much you've used.- I don't see that it's any of your business.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49- Nosey, nosey, nosey!- I have to, to work out how much you need to pay.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50- Pay?- Pay?- Pay?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Pay?- Money?- Ridiculous!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I knew it! Another nasty little man banging on the knocker
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- trying to demand money with menaces! - Nothing's free these days.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04- Apart from those free texts on your molecular phone.- Oh, yes!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I used those up taking pictures of myself popping and locking
0:14:07 > 0:14:11- in the precinct, to send to my dance crew!- I'll do one now!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- SHUTTER CLICKS - Sweet!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Just uploading. Ssh!
0:14:16 > 0:14:17- No!- No...
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- No!- 15 percent.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- I'll put it in drafts. - Ladies, I don't want any money.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28- The electricity board send you a bill.- A Bill? Who's Bill?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31You're charged depending upon how many units -
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, it'll be double at night time, I'm sure.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- It's cheaper - - More expensive on a Tuesday!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38And they'll charge you for posting and packing.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42- And the insurance!- I shouldn't think we'll get change out of £1,000.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- £1,000!- I should say about £1,000.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49It's too much, £1,000. I suppose it's what these things cost these days.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Your average quarterly bill is about £50.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- £1,000?! - It's absurd! I won't pay £1,000!
0:14:54 > 0:14:57It's absurd! Ridiculous! £1,000!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Just for some smelly old electrickery!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02£1,000 to see an elephant do a trick? Are you insane?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Ladies, let me in. If I can just look at the meter,
0:15:04 > 0:15:10- I can tell you how much you've used. - I shall not! You shall not pass!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I tell you what - we shall go to Switzerland,
0:15:13 > 0:15:15buy our own hydroelectric power station,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19make loads of electricity and use it to power things that do nothing!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I hope you call at somebody's house, ring the bell and they don't answer,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25and you stand there for an hour before you realise
0:15:25 > 0:15:28they haven't come to the door because it's YOUR house!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Hah! Go away! You're very pretty.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36The nerve! Who needs electricity anyway?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38It's useless! No use whatsoever.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Hah! I've gone blonde. - Don't you mean blind?
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- I can't tell. The lights have gone. - Oh!
0:15:43 > 0:15:48And now, ladies and gentlemen, for my most impressive trick of all.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I shall attempt to read a stranger's thoughts.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56For this, I require a volunteer from the audience.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Ah! How about you?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05- Oh, no. I don't think that's a good idea.- Ladies and gentlemen,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09give this lady a round of applause as she comes up onto the stage!
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- Come on! - Oh, crumbs! No choice at all!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Now, what's your name, love?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Um, Louise.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24Ladies and gentlemen, I shall now attempt to read Louise's mind,
0:16:24 > 0:16:28and I shall relay her thoughts to you as I see them.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- Are you ready, Louise? - What do I have to do?
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Nothing. Just sit back and let your mind wander,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and try not to think of anything too embarrassing.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Eh, ladies and gentlemen? - LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:44Right. Just close your eyes, and I'll see what I can see.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46OK. Um, right.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Relax, shut my eyes, don't think of anything embarrassing.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Yes! Yes, I can see you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57You're thinking of you, and you're in a pretty dress.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01- Oh!- And you're out on a date with Robert Pattinson -
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- you know, off of Twilight. - AUDIENCE MURMURS "OOH"
0:17:05 > 0:17:08And now Robert Pattinson - from off of Twilight -
0:17:08 > 0:17:12is giving you a kiss on the cheek. Isn't that nice?
0:17:12 > 0:17:15- Oh, crikey! Yes! - Ooh, and he's saying,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"Ooh, Louise, you're really lovely."
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:23And you're at a Michael Buble concert.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Oh! And now Robert Pattinson, from off of Twilight,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30is saying, "Ooh, Louise,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33your dress is tucked into your knickers,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37and everyone can see your bum."
0:17:37 > 0:17:41And Michael Buble is pointing at your bum,
0:17:41 > 0:17:44and everyone is pointing at your bum,
0:17:44 > 0:17:47and the audience is laughing at you.
0:17:47 > 0:17:53Michael Buble is pointing at you and laughing at you.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Oh, no! How embarrassing!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And now, for some reason - I'm not sure why -
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- I can see a massive balloon.- Ooh!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06THEY GASP Oh, no! How embarrassing!
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Oh, right. Yeah, I see it now. Yeah. Yeah, that is embarrassing.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Sticky Martin! He's got the stickiest hands in the world.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04BELL RINGS
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Happy lunchtime. What can I get you?
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Um, what are the choices?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Well, it's gourmet day, so I've got duck a l'orange,
0:19:24 > 0:19:28beef a l'orange, turkey a l'orange or orange a l'orange.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31I'll have, er...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- I'll have... - For heaven's sake be careful, Frank.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Ssh!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Hurry up. I've got other gourmets waiting.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Duck a l'orange, please.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- Bon appetit.- Thank you. Thank you.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Well, you look like quite the gourmet, don't you?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03- What's it going to be? - Duck a l'orange, please.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh, you want the same as him? Not feeling adventurous
0:20:06 > 0:20:08for any of the other a l'oranges?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11No. Um, duck a l'orange, please.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Right you are.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- Hi. - HE WHIMPERS
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Feeling adventurous, are you?
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Yes. I'll have the, um...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33..beef a l'orange.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Duck?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38No, the beef a l'orange.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40- No. I said "duck". - BEEPING
0:20:40 > 0:20:42Eh? Agh!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Twice.- Agh!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55What can I get you?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00OK, sir. In a moment, five men will walk into that room.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Take a good look at each of them. See if you can identify
0:21:03 > 0:21:06the man that you think stole your shopping from you
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- yesterday evening.- Right.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Here we go. Sergeant, send them in, please.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Just take your time, sir.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I'm not sure.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- It was dark.- Just take a good look at each of them.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27See if any of their faces ring a bell.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31- Well, it definitely wasn't number one.- It was number one.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- Right. Number one, sergeant. Take him down immediately.- No!- No.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- Do you want me to drop the charges? - No. It wasn't him!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40- The one you're pointing at? Number one?- Yes!
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- You're sure?- Absolutely. - Positive ID on number one.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Arrest him immediately.- What? - You just identified the criminal.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- No, I didn't.- If you say so, sir. Why don't you take another look?
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Um, I think maybe number five.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56- Yes. In fact I'm sure. - Sure we should let him go?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59- No. He's the one who robbed me. - Which one's that?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Number five! The one on the end! - Arrest the man with the balloon.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- No, I didn't mean him!- You just said it was the one on the end, sir.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- Yes. The other end!- The other end? The first one, number one?
0:22:10 > 0:22:14- Sergeant, arrest number one.- Stop! - Do you not want me to arrest the man
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- who did this to you?- Of course I do! - Arrest number one.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- He's not the one!- He is the one. That's his number, one. That's him.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I don't want you to arrest him. I want you to arrest five.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I can't arrest all five, sir. Not when it was one man who robbed you.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- I don't want you to arrest all five! - I can arrest you
0:22:30 > 0:22:33for giving false evidence - hindering an investigation,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36- protecting a suspect. - I'm not protecting a suspect!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- I'm telling you who it is! - You said it wasn't number one, sir!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Now you're saying it is. Arrest number one.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- That's not who I said it was!- No!
0:22:44 > 0:22:48All right, sir. Make your mind up. Who did you say it was?
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Number five. - Number one?- No, number five!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Oh, number one!- Five!- Got it. One.
0:22:53 > 0:22:58- Arrest the man with the balloon. - That's it. I'm dropping the charges!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'm going to have to book you for wasting police time,
0:23:00 > 0:23:05you and your balloon accomplice! Sergeant, take him down to the cells.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Come on.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Hello! Who likes a pudding, I ask?
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Well, we all do, don't we, viewers?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Which is why you'll be pleased to hear
0:23:17 > 0:23:21today I'm going to be making a delicious three-fruit compote.
0:23:21 > 0:23:26And the best news of all is that I'm not going to be making it alone.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30So please, I'd like to introduce you to my sister Lesley...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34..and my brother Leslie.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- Say hello, Lesley.- Hello.- Hello.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Say hello, Leslie.- Hello.- Hello.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44We're going to be making this delicious compote
0:23:44 > 0:23:47in the old traditional way that we used to do as children.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Are we on television? - Don't embarrass me, Leslie.- Sorry.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- Not you, Lesley.- Sorry.- Sorry.
0:23:52 > 0:23:57As I say, we're going to be making this the old-fashioned way.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02So I shall begin by adding a spoonful of blueberry.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04SHE BREAKS WIND
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I shall put a spoonful of gooseberry.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11SHE BREAKS WIND SQUEAKILY And I go for a spoonful of bilberry.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY - And then we repeat the process.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- So let's commence. Blueberry. - SHE BREAKS WIND IN A MID-TONE
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Gooseberry. - SQUEAKILY
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Bilberry. LOUDLY
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Blueberry.- Gooseberry.- Bilberry. THEY BREAK WIND IN TURN
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Blueberry.- Gooseberry.- Bilberry. THEY BREAK WIND IN TURN...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31..AND IN TIME WITH "CAN-CAN" MUSIC
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And now altogether...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Bilberry.- Blueberry.- Gooseberry. - THEY BREAK WIND IN TURN...
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- ..IN TIME WITH MUSICAL CODA - And there we have it -
0:24:39 > 0:24:43a delicious three-fruit compote.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46- HE BREAKS WIND LOUDLY - Leslie, you are disgusting.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Sorry.- Sorry. SHE SIGHS
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- HE LAUGHS - Roll up!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Come on, ladies and gents.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Good morning, everyone. Welcome to this workshop,
0:25:00 > 0:25:05where you'll all be experiencing a wide range of circus skills,
0:25:05 > 0:25:09and hopefully our instructors will be able to teach you a trick or two.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Is there any circus skill you've always wanted to have a go at?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Anyone? Yes?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Er... I'd quite like a go at the fire-eating, please.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Right! Um...
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Trampolining? Anyone fancy trampolining?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- No. I'd prefer the fire-eating, to be honest.- Yeah.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Unicycling! Everyone loves a unicycle. Who wants a go?
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Oi! I've already said! Fire-eating!
0:25:37 > 0:25:42Right. We don't do fire-eating here. None of our instructors teach it.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Well, what's he doing, then?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Er... Oh, yeah. Er, forgot about him.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55Er, I'm not sure fire-eating is really for you, though.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Why don't you try juggling, something like that?- Hang on.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Are you saying I'm not allowed to try fire-eating?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- Er... Sort of, yeah. - I don't believe this.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10This is discrimination! You don't want me to go down to the council
0:26:10 > 0:26:12and report you, do you, you ice-ist?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15All right!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17This is Graham. He's an expert.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21He's been doing this extremely hot and incredibly dangerous trick
0:26:21 > 0:26:24for over 30 years, so watch him while he demonstrates it.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27He'll show you what to do.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Fine. Seems easy enough.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Not too fast! - SIZZLING
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Ah. Yeah. Um...
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Do you know what? Now that I've had a go,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I think it's probably not my thing.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Could I have a go at the juggling instead?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Whoops! Sorry.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Jasper!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Jasper!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Jasper!- Have you lost your husband?
0:27:03 > 0:27:07No, my dog. I turned my back for an instant, and he's disappeared.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- You haven't seen him, have you? - I ain't seen no dog.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Jasper! Oh...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Maybe he's in here. Jasper!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Jasper! Jasper!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19FLUSHING
0:27:19 > 0:27:23- There you are, you naughty boy! - Oh, I was desperate!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- What did you say?- Er... "Woof"?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Definitely "woof".
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- I'm Eddie Bigg! - The tiny type is more.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38I'll get you, Philippe le Vavasour!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Witch! She's a witch!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Maybe my bees can help.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- £1,000!- £1,000!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46In your imagination!
0:27:46 > 0:27:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:50 > 0:27:54E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:27:54 > 0:27:54.