0:00:20 > 0:00:23# Happy birthday to you
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# Happy birthday, dear Lionel
0:00:28 > 0:00:33# Happy birthday to you. #
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Happy birthday!
0:00:46 > 0:00:47What?
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Hello.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Morning.- Ah. Hello, Simon.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01- Simon.- Hello, Head Master.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04- Governor.- What have you got for us today?
0:01:04 > 0:01:08I should remind you, this centenary fate is very special.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10The stalls will be of the highest standard.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13This is brilliant. This is a brand new game.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17It is called Eel Or No Eel.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21These are two identical fish tanks.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- They're covered, to keep the contents secret.- Go on.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29You pay your 10p and you choose a fish tank.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33And you put your hand into the mystery tank of choice.
0:01:33 > 0:01:39One contains a veritable sunken treasure or prizes and treats.
0:01:39 > 0:01:43- And the other? - Contains an electric eel,
0:01:43 > 0:01:46capable of giving an electric shock
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- that would knock a horse off its feet.- Simon...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's a lot of fun, unless perhaps for horses!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56So, who wants to play Eel Or No Eel?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- OK, I'll go first.- Are you sure about...?- Sshh! I'm concentrating.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Yep. This one.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Oh!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I think I've got the prize tank!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14No. It's an eel.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Argh!
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Gah!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26So, what do you reckon? Will you let me know?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30We'll let you know.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34'Having trouble playing basketball?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37'Just haven't got the hand-eye coordination?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40'That's because you're wearing high heels.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44'Just because they make you taller, doesn't mean you can wear them
0:02:44 > 0:02:48'to do sport, you fool! Not only that, they're ladies' shoes.'
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Ole, Signor-ay. Welcome to Spanish Day.- Spanish Day?
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Yes, that's right. Spanish Day. All our food is themed Spanish,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- so what do you want? - What have you got?- Paella.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I don't really like paella. What else have you got?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20SIZZLES
0:03:20 > 0:03:22I've got paella.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Right. And in the third tray?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29A little known delicacy from Spain
0:03:29 > 0:03:31called paella.
0:03:31 > 0:03:32And the fourth?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Ah. Well, that is Spanish Surprise.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So what'll it be?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Choose carefully.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46They're all the same.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- Spanish Surprise.- Aw, mala suerte. - What does that mean?
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- Bad luck! - ALARM SOUNDS
0:04:02 > 0:04:04BULL BELLOWS
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- Argh! - GLASS SMASHES
0:04:06 > 0:04:09BULL BELLOWS
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Buenos dias. Who's next?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Well, brave Vikings, the long winter is upon us again.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31- We must find ways to amuse ourselves. - I've learnt a magic trick.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Oh really, Sven. You upset the Mage Derren Brown in the last village.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- You and your magic tricks.- This is a classic. You'll all love it.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I liked it when you made that pie appear, out of meat and vegetables
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- and pastry and gravy! - That wasn't a magic trick.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- I just invited you round for dinner. - Oh. Can you do that again, please?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52No. Look, let me show you the trick.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55This is a perfectly normal hat.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58THEY SCREAM IN HORROR
0:04:58 > 0:05:02What kind of hat is this? It has no horns! How has he done it?
0:05:02 > 0:05:06No, that's not the trick. I'm just showing the hat.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11I think it's fantastic. You should get a round of applause for that.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Now, look. The hat is completely empty.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18THEY SCREAM
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It is. The hat is completely empty!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25- That's not the trick.- It deserves a round of applause anyway.
0:05:25 > 0:05:30Now, there is also nothing in my sleeves.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- THEY SCREAM - That's not the trick!
0:05:33 > 0:05:35This is the trick.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Ta-da!
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- What is the meaning of this?- Erm...
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- Oh, I see!- At last. He's going to make another pie.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Yes! Yay!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Don't listen to them, Mrs Honeysuckle.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03BELL RINGS
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- OMG, Sades!- Jez! - So you know like what's hot?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- What? What's hot?- Justin Bieber's like so hot right now.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- Justin Bieber is so hot right now. - He's like amaze-balls!
0:06:14 > 0:06:18Oh, OMG. Yeah, he's like totes amaze-balls!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- I, like, call him The Bieber.- I call him The Biebs.- I call him The B.
0:06:21 > 0:06:26- I call him The B...- He's like so cute and gorgeous and everything.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Oh, MFG. I would totally kiss him.
0:06:29 > 0:06:34I'd like to be in a car crash and a coma and my cousin comes round
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and phones up The Biebs and he comes and sings just for me
0:06:37 > 0:06:41- and that's what would happen and everything.- That's totally normal.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Do you know my Mum? She loves Justin Bieber.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Yeah, like, everyone loves Justin Bieber. He's everywhere.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And everyone's sick of him. It's like too much of Bieber.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55When I first started liking Justin Bieber, no-one else knew about him,
0:06:55 > 0:07:00now everyone likes Justin Bieber and I'm SO over Justin Bieber.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- And his hat...- His hat? - Yeah, wears this like hair hat.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- It's like totally stupid.- If he sings Eenie Meenie ever again
0:07:07 > 0:07:11and if I ever like see his round face, I'm going to be sick
0:07:11 > 0:07:15- and it's not even funny! - I'm SO over Justin Bieber.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- He's SO not hot.- Not.- Hot.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Urgh!- Bleugh! - BELL RINGS
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- Hello!- What are you doing in here? I'm having my lunch.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Don't you worry, you carry on.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I'm here to break the world record for plate spinning.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Fine.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Hello, Antonia. Can you give me the world record for plate spinning?
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Actually, I know it anyway. Take the day off.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49The world record for the most number of plates kept spinning
0:07:49 > 0:07:51at any one time is 108.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Easy! Right...
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Plate one. PLATE SMASHES
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- You've never spun a plate before, have you?- Not until that one, no.
0:08:02 > 0:08:07- But I imagine it gets easier when you've got loads.- I don't think so.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10No. Don't take those... They're special commemorative plates
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- we give to people who've broken a world record.- No, it's fine.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I'll give them back to you in tip-top condition. Here we go.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Number two. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Three. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Four. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Five. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Six. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Seven...
0:08:31 > 0:08:33105. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:33 > 0:08:36106. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:36 > 0:08:37107. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:37 > 0:08:41108. That's the world record! 109. PLATE SMASHES
0:08:41 > 0:08:46- I've won the world record!- No. You've just broken 109 of my plates.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Oh! So close!
0:08:53 > 0:08:57'The Zombie News Network, bringing you the latest zombie news
0:08:57 > 0:08:59'24 hours a day.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03'One of the most exciting events in the zombie calendar,
0:09:03 > 0:09:07'the world's strongest zombie competition.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11'This is the key event, the car pull.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14'It's the young Norwegian first to attempt it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23'Oh, dear. I don't think we got much movement there.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26'The experienced Dutch competitor steps up now.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38'And you really have to question the wisdom of having an event like this
0:09:38 > 0:09:41'in this particular competition.'
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Run! Everybody run! The tigers have escaped from their enclosure!
0:09:47 > 0:09:48They're heading this way!
0:09:48 > 0:09:53Don't worry, everyone. My son has the power to speak to animals.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- What are you talking about?! I can't speak to animals!- Yes, you can.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Super powers, remember? - Please, this is so embarrassing.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- I don't have any powers!- Remember when you done that mind melt
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- with the cocker spaniel?- That was a dog obedience competition.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15- Anyway, we lost.- Don't deny your powers. You're the special one.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- Have you got a costume?- Oh... Yes!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23GLASS SMASHES AND POLICE SIRENS
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Quickly, Dean. There are tigers. Don't worry, ladies and gents...
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Where's your over-pants, Dean? - I didn't bring them.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34- I don't like them! - Don't be ridiculous.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39You look stupid without your over-pants. I've got a spare pair.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Put them on and be quick about it. - Oh.- Put them on, Dean!
0:10:43 > 0:10:44STRETCHING SOUND
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Embarrassing!
0:10:46 > 0:10:51- Oh! You do look the business! - I look like an idiot!
0:10:51 > 0:10:55- It chafes.- Make me proud. - TIGER ROARS
0:10:56 > 0:11:00My son will have the situation under control using his super powers.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- TIGERS ROARS - Aargh!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- TEARING AND RIPPING - Go on. get him, Dean!
0:11:06 > 0:11:09TIGER ROARS AND DEAN YELPS
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- What was that? That was pathetic. - What do you expect?!
0:11:15 > 0:11:20I'm eleven! And they're...tigers. There are five of them!
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Oh, well...they must be alien super tigers
0:11:24 > 0:11:28engineered by your evil nemesis, Dr Morionatistein.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32You've really shown me up!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Wait till I get you back to the secret lair!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- What secret lair?- You know, the downstairs secret lair.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- Do you mean the kitchen? - The kitchen-diner, thank you!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Well, the food's ready. How are you doing there?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53- Yup, fireworks ready. - Great, so we're all set.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56All we need to do now is light the bonfire.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- Who's going to do that?- I'll do it.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Erm...
0:12:00 > 0:12:05- Why don't you...help with the food? Maybe help with the barbecue?- No!
0:12:05 > 0:12:11Ah... Forget the barbecue, maybe you could help light the sparklers?
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Why don't you just help out with the...drinks?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Make sure they're nice and chilled.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Hang on, do you not trust me to light a bonfire, or something?
0:12:22 > 0:12:27- No. It's not that. It's just... - You think cos I'm a snowman,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I must be stupid. Is that it?
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- It's going to get....really hot. - I am sick and tired
0:12:33 > 0:12:36of being treated as an inferior!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I'm going to take this to the Court of Human Rights,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42even though I'm technically not human.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46If they don't listen, I'll take it to the Court of Snowman Rights
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and if that doesn't exist, I'm going to build one.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I don't mind doing that... Argh!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55See? Told you I'd get the fire going.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Now, did you say you needed somebody to keep the drinks cold?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I don't suppose you could pop me in the cool box for a few minutes?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18DUTCH ACCENT: Excuse me. Can you be telling me the way
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- to the swimming pools? - It's ten minutes that way.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Can you be telling me how many people doing the swimmings?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I really couldn't say. It's half-term, so it might be busy.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- And the cost of the swimming pools today?- I've not been for a while.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36- I don't think it's more than £2. - Will I be enjoying my visit?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- I don't know. Do you like swimming? - No. I am unable to swim.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Probably not then.- You will be showing me how to swim.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- No.- Yes! You show me how to swim! Show me how to swim right now!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- YOU SHOW ME HOW TO SWIM!- OK.- SWIM!
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Come on. Let's get in the pool.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- Little dive.- Little dive.- We want the lengths! You do the front crawl.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59You the breastings and the butterfly!
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Front crawl, then the breast stroke, then the butterfly. Faster! Faster!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05WHISTLE BLOWS
0:14:06 > 0:14:08I will not be doing the swimming today.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Goodbye.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Toodle pips and merry bye bye.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17We do the swims. We do the swims.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20We do the swimming together.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22So what seems to be the problem?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I've noticed I've been going a bit pale recently
0:14:26 > 0:14:28and my voice is going.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31MOUTHS WORDS
0:14:31 > 0:14:35Yes, I've seen this before. It looks like Marceau's Syndrome.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Basically, it means that you're becoming a mime artist.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Don't worry, it won't do you any harm. It's just very annoying.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48What can you do?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52Well, it'll pass eventually. In the meantime, stay hydrated.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Eat plenty of fruit and vegetables.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04And could you just stop that now please?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Sorry, it's just that I've got other patients to see.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Could you just go?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Properly!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- You!- Little man!- Where are we? - We're completely lost.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31We've been wandering about for hours.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- You're in the memorial park. - The park?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37How can that be? We only went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I do get giddy when I've been scoffing aniseed balls.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- You shouldn't have eaten the last 400.- Do you want me to starve?!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- I'm wasting away.- It's true. There's barely anything of her.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50- What are you doing in the garden? - I run the pitch and putt.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Kitchen cup?- The bits and bobs?
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Pistachio nuts?- Twitching gut? - What are you talking about?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59No, pitch and putt. It's a short version of golf.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Crazy golf?- It's not really like crazy golf.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- My uncle was a champion at crazy golf.- No, dear, he was just crazy!
0:16:07 > 0:16:11This is pitch and putt. You pitch it on the green and try and putt it in.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14That sounds quite diverting. We do like a bit of golf.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Yes. I have rather the glad eye for that Colin Montgomerie.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Beneath those aran sweaters lies the rippling torso of a predatory man.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27Steady on, dear! You'll have everyone wanting your phone number.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- We'll have a go on your pitch and putt please.- OK. Nine or 18?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I'm actually neither. I'm a little over 18. It's sweet of you to ask.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38No, sorry. How many holes do you want to play? Nine or 18?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Oh right! Let's split the difference. Say five and a half.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- It'll still cost you the same as nine.- Cost!- Price!
0:16:45 > 0:16:50- Money!- The shadow of remuneration towers over us once again.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Nothing's free these days.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Apart from those hot towels in the Chinese restaurant.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58They're delicious, but you have to pay for your dinner first.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00And this pitchy putt putt won't come cheap.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03It'll be once to pitch and then pay again to putt.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Then you'll have to pay again for the clubs.- And more for the holes.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10I shouldn't think you'll get much change out of £1,000.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14- £1,000?- It's what these things cost apparently!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Each game just costs £3.50.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- £1,000!- £1,000! That's too much!
0:17:19 > 0:17:20He said it. It's absurd!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24I won't pay £1,000 just to pitch your putts about!
0:17:24 > 0:17:28Come Jasmin. Let us ride a couple of wild stags to Scotland
0:17:28 > 0:17:30and thence to Gleneagles to pitch our own putt
0:17:30 > 0:17:33with lovely sugary Lord Alan.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I hope you get a hole in one and then look down and suddenly realise
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- you've also got a hole in the other!- Good day!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43I like your beach. I look great in a swim suit.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I'll have that!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Is this the end of the queue?- No.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00HE SNIFFS
0:18:00 > 0:18:01What is that?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03HE SNIFFS
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- That's a fair stink on it. What is that smell?- What?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09HE SNIFFS
0:18:09 > 0:18:10What are you doing?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Where is that smell coming from?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15What is that stink?
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- Washing powder?- No.- Me?- No.
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Manky old chewy blanket?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Got it! It's a goldfish.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39He's called Freddy. Don't feed him at night. Where is that bus?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Emily and Monty Forest have been a singing and performing duo
0:18:44 > 0:18:46for more than 16 years.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50They've auditioned for more than 3,000 shows without success.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Now, they're putting on their very own show and today is audition day.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57So where are the auditions going to be held?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00This is where Emily and I will be sitting,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03on the other side of the table-able-able.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Why are there three chairs?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Thank you, Monty.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10That's well spotted and that's not the only surprise for today
0:19:10 > 0:19:15because I've actually booked a very special surprise guest.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19A surprise! I don't believe it! Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Is it Louie Spence?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26It's Simon Cowell.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Amazing! Simon Cowell's coming here!
0:19:28 > 0:19:32There's no-one in the world who knows more about auditioning
0:19:32 > 0:19:34and crushing people... Who's that?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's Simon Cowell.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44- That is not Simon Cowell.- It is. - It isn't.- It's Simon Cowell.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- Excuse me sir, what's your name? - Simon Cowell.- See?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Wait a minute. What do you do, Simon Cowell?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I'm a butcher. Does anybody want any chops?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58- He's a butcher.- He's Simon Cowell.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01- He brought chops. - I brought bangers as well.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04He's not Simon Cowell.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Simon Cowell, what do you know about auditioning people?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I'll be honest, I know more about chops and bangers.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14DRUM BEAT
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Next!- You've got a kind face.
0:20:18 > 0:20:23- Poor.- Next.- Never ever give up. You've got something. Use it.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- No. No. No.- You look like a vegetarian.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- No. No. No.- Get out!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- No.- No. You're a disgrace.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37I like you. I like you a lot.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41- Next.- Awful!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45You're going through to the next round. Oh, I've got no power.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Does your mother know you're here?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Do you want some sausages? Pork and Leek.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53You, this one, you my friend, you're very much hired.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Thank you.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59Get out.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Emily, it's been a really tough day.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Do you think you've managed to cast the right people?
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yes. But it's, oh, it's sooooo...
0:21:07 > 0:21:10It's so difficult to say no to people.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14But I think that we really have amassed
0:21:14 > 0:21:16the most tippity top bestio company.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21- Thar speaks the truth, first mate Emily.- Oo arr, Captain Monty.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Amongst all those no's and nays we had to give out,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27we did find a couple of people to say yay to.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Do you think we've got what it takes, Monty?
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Oh yeah. We've got what it takes.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39# Everybody conga Everybody conga. #
0:21:39 > 0:21:41If you want my advice,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45never sit behind someone eating candyfloss on a roller coaster.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50What are you doing? It's my face!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54I'm a human being!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Welcome back to Bargain in the Basement.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09We've had a lovely afternoon here at Market Harborough.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13We've met Jim, who's brought along his grandfather's toby jug
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- and I bet you're glad you did Jim. - Yes. Yes, I am.
0:22:16 > 0:22:21Our experts have valued this jug as being worth over £500.
0:22:21 > 0:22:22ALL: Ooooh!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Ooooh indeed!- Thank you. - Thank you Jim.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Now, let's see who's next.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Who wants to see whether their... come on, that's it...
0:22:31 > 0:22:34..whether their treasure is going to come up trumps?
0:22:34 > 0:22:38- Hello sir.- Hello.- So tell me about what you've brought to be valued.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I've brought this dog.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Where did you pick him up? Where did you pick him up?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Erm... Well, I erm...
0:22:45 > 0:22:50I bought him at a car boot sale. I think it's an antique.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It's probably worth quite a bit of money.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55We'll soon find out.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Linda, our resident expert, what can you tell us about this?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Firstly, not an antique.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Oh dear!
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Sorry.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Yes, if we have a look, it's actually quite shoddily made.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Quite badly painted, quite ugly actually.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15And I would say bought quite recently,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17probably in a pound shop or something.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- How do you know that?- Because...
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I don't know if the camera can get it there? The sticker on the bottom.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28So it's not worth £500?
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- Goodness me, no!- Are you sure? It does look a bit antiquey.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Can I ask, how much did you pay for it?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Well, I paid £10 for it.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Oh, crikey, no!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I would value it in the region of...
0:23:43 > 0:23:44I would say ten pence.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Right. Fine.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Witch! She's a witch!
0:23:59 > 0:24:02THEME FROM THE OMEN
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Ha-ha-ha! Witch! Witch!
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23What? I just wanted a second opinion.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28We'll be back after the break.
0:24:30 > 0:24:36Aha! L, E. Spells 'le'.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40It's two points, which is a good start. Your go, Phillippe.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Quoi?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45You have to make...
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Make a word avec... With the votres... Votres letters.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Boeuf.- Gosh, this is educational, isn't it?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Playing a board game in French.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I expect your chums at school would be very jealous of you
0:24:59 > 0:25:03getting all this extra learning off your French exchange student.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07He's your exchange student?! He's been here 20 years!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09- Voila! Qazyjixe.- Qazyjixe.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13There's a Q, that's a ten, ten, and and X and a J and it's on a triple.
0:25:13 > 0:25:19That's 177 points. That is a very good score, Phillippe, well done.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22Qazyjixe?! He can't have that. That's not a word!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Of course it is. It's clearly a French word.
0:25:24 > 0:25:29Phillippe, qu'est-ce que c'est? Qazyjixe.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Qazyjixe. What does it mean?
0:25:31 > 0:25:36How you say... Qazyjixe.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39There you go. We've all learnt a word.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43It's probably something to do with strong cheese or dancing.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47Now, I've got a platter of air-dried beef with a piccalilli garnish
0:25:47 > 0:25:50waiting in the larder so I'll pop and get that.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Qazyjixe(!)
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about it if I was you.- What?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- You heard.- You can speak English?! - Of course I can.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- I've been here 20 years. It's not that hard.- But?
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Listen, I've got a very good thing going on here.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10Bed and board, all of the savoury meat products I could possibly want.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12You better not spoil this for me.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17- I'm telling Dad!- If you do, I could make life very difficult for you.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Yeah?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Here we are. A lovely bit of air-dried...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Alors! Oo la la!
0:26:29 > 0:26:33What? Oh... What? What's gone on here?
0:26:33 > 0:26:34It's Phillippe! He can speak...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Ce n'est pas moi! C'etait Danny!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Il a renverse le squash sur toute la table, et aussi pour moi.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43C'est degueulasse!
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Danny, why have you poured squash over Phillippe?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- But he...- No. Not another word.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Straight to be for you and no air-dried beef.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I'll get you, Phillippe Lavaveseur!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Jasper!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Jasper! Here boy!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- You all right?- No, I'm not all right. I've lost my dog.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- You haven't seen him, have you? - Big, white, black spots?- Yes!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- That's him! Where have you seen him? - Is that him there?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Ha-ha-ha! Woo-hoo! Yes!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Get in! Woo-hoo!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Woo-hoo!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Jasper, you naughty boy.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26I was worried about you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30Come on! We were 5-0 up. I was just about to get a hat-trick.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31What did you say?
0:27:31 > 0:27:35I mean, erm... Woof! Definitely woof!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42- I'm Eddie Pink.- This is mine.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I'll get you Phillippe Lavavaseur.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Witch! She's a witch!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Maybe my bees can help.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- £1,000.- £1,000.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53In your imagination!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd