0:00:02 > 0:00:05- Great idea to come bowling, Tony. - Yeah, yeah, it should be fun.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08I love bowling, me. I'll go first.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Stand back, everyone.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17How many did I get? Was that a strike?
0:00:17 > 0:00:20I bet it was. I'm great at bowling.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22- Um...- Oh, well, Bill, never mind.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24You were really close.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Me and your dad are really proud of you
0:00:52 > 0:00:55for getting your green belt in karate.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58You worked really hard, so we got you this!
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Oh, that's amazing!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07You got me a Game Box and a martial-arts game!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- We thought it was the one you wanted.- It is, it is.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Where are the controllers?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yes, well, it's only a green belt.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17You're not exactly Jackie Chan!
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Can I go upstairs?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Vikings, this is a sad day.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36A sad day, by Odin indeed.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41For this is the day that my father has been sent to Valhalla.
0:01:41 > 0:01:48Killed in battle, a brave warrior, Four-Flint Skull-Splitter.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50ALL: Four-Flint Skull-Splitter!
0:01:54 > 0:01:58He has bequeathed to me a great gift.
0:01:58 > 0:02:03This sword, which has killed so many in battle.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Argh!
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I'm sorry. I saw the sword and I thought, "Oh no! He's attacking me!"
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Lovely, lovely sword, though.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17- This sword...- Argh!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Sorry. Sorry. I see what you mean.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25I saw the sword and I thought, "I'm being attacked. What's this?"
0:02:25 > 0:02:27But I'm all right now.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31And now, the sword belongs to me.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Argh! - ALL: Argh!
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- I really am sorry.- I think the sword made everyone jumpy.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Mm, yes.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45But also, also, my dear departed father
0:02:45 > 0:02:48has bequeathed to me his favourite childhood toy
0:02:48 > 0:02:51that kept him comfort all his life.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53- Argh!- Argh!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55ALL: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Argh!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01PUNCHING COMPUTER-GAME MUSIC PLAYS
0:03:10 > 0:03:12'You lose. Game over.'
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Emily and Monty Forest have been an acting, singing and dancing duo
0:03:17 > 0:03:18for six years.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23In that time, they've auditioned for more than 11,000 roles together...
0:03:23 > 0:03:24..without success.
0:03:28 > 0:03:29- Nee nee nee.- Nee nee nee.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Emily, Monty, good to see you!
0:03:34 > 0:03:37ROBOTICALLY: Hello, hello. We are ROBOTS!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- ROBOTICALLY:- Morning. We're robots from the future.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43- Yes!- Not really.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47It's us, EmilyandMonty.com.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49You seem in very good spirits.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51That is because today we will definitely get the part.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Why will you get THIS one? Are you right for the role?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59No. They've promised to cast anyone who turns up in a robot costume.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02We're a dead cert cos we've definitely turned up
0:04:02 > 0:04:04and we're definitely in robot costumes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- ROBOTICALLY:- That I made at home. - That Emily made at home.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Apart from the boots.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Apart from the boots, which are rather special, actually.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19They're made of iron and I don't mind telling you they're pretty heavy.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21They actually give us the authentic robot look.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26Yes, I think they're going to really impress the director.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28We're very excited!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32When we walk through that door, it's a dead cert.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34< Emily and Monty Forest?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37That's us! West End, here we come.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Zzz, zzz!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Can't...move.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Can't...move.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Must...be...robots.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52Argh!
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Emily and Monty Forest, this is your last and final call.- OK.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Emily and Monty Forest. - We're coming! Argh!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03We're not going to make it, are we?
0:05:04 > 0:05:06We didn't get it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Yeah, that's it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13All right, sunshine! Come with me.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- Why? Wait, what have I done?- Shut it!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- I'll deal with you later. Stay there!- Argh!
0:05:18 > 0:05:23Harrison 5438. Need transport for a suspected gang member, over.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26'5438, can you give us a description of the suspect?'
0:05:27 > 0:05:32Yes. Usual gang colours, bandana, badges, woggle.
0:05:33 > 0:05:34'Woggle?'
0:05:34 > 0:05:36- Gang woggle, over.- 'Roger that.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39'Can I have confirmation on your location?'
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Er, yeah. I'm...
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I'm outside the scout hut, over.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Over!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53'The general opinion here is that he's probably a scout.'
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- It's possible, I suppose.- 'Yeah, we're pretty sure he's a scout.'
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Doesn't mean he's not a gang member.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06'Let him go, Harrison.'
0:06:06 > 0:06:10All right! But don't blame me if he descends into tit-for-tat reprisals,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- violence, criminality and battles for territory.- 'He's a scout!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16'Who's he going to battle?'
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Sea cadets?
0:06:20 > 0:06:22'Let him go.'
0:06:22 > 0:06:27Fine! I will never understand why you young people choose this life.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Wait! What about my cuffs?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Do not test me, sunshine.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40So, let me get all this straight.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44For your holiday, you want somewhere really dark and miserable.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Er... No atmosphere, no light,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51no other people, no nightlife, no day life - no day, in fact -
0:06:51 > 0:06:54where you can wear black and think about the colour black
0:06:54 > 0:06:58for ten days to a fortnight without interruption, transfers included.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Is that right?- Yes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Right. Let's see what we can do.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11ALARM BELLS RING
0:07:13 > 0:07:15ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Hello, sir. Just wanted to know if you're enjoying your holiday.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Brilliant, thanks. Could you close the door?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- You're letting all the black out. - Oh, sorry.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Popcorn.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Here we go, one DVD coming up.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- Lovely jubbly.- I think I'm getting used to this machine now.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46Shouldn't make a mistake. Just have to select the country. Oh, no.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50I've picked Sweden by mistake. Do you think that's a problem?
0:07:50 > 0:07:53No, Sweden will be fine for me.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- A MONSTER ROARS ALL:- Argh!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04HE ROARS
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'm Marion Clark. This is Top Test.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11On tonight's show, the inflatable sumo suit.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I'm going to test it so you don't have to. Come on!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Don't touch me.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21THEME MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:25 > 0:08:29The Sumo Extreme 22F. Everybody wants one.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35This is the most realistic sumo suit on this or any other planet.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Sure, it comes with a hefty price tag but if I was judging this suit
0:08:39 > 0:08:43based on looks alone, I'd give it a ten out of ten.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46But...is it any good?
0:08:47 > 0:08:52Sumo is the number one sport in Japan and mobility is the key.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55So let's give this a little test. Hit it.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58DISCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:09:02 > 0:09:04It's a good suit.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11'Next, can you snack and sumo at the same time?'
0:09:11 > 0:09:14HE SHOUTS LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER
0:09:15 > 0:09:20Delish! And plenty of room for more. OK, next test.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22The toughness test.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Ow!
0:09:29 > 0:09:36Argh! The Sumo Extreme 22F. It does exactly what it says on the tin.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Is it any good? I'll give it a nine out of ten.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'm Marion Clark. I'm a man.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I'm not turning Japanese.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Sayonara.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52I've got cake in my nose. You knew that, you did nothing.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58So we've turned the spare room into the nursery. The only thing is names.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02- Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? - No. I want to keep it as a surprise.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- All right, Frank!- Steve!
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- How did you get in? - I had some keys cut. Who's this?
0:10:09 > 0:10:14Um...you remember my sister Francesca. Francesca, Steve.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Hi, Steve. Still got your little time machine?- Yes.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Er... Francesca's having a baby.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- What, now? - No, not now. In a few months.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Oh, great, I was going to say. Come on, then.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29What do you mean? I'm with my sister.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32Let's go back to my place. I've got two brand-new remote-control cars
0:10:32 > 0:10:34and we're going to race them!
0:10:34 > 0:10:38No, Steve. I'm going to spend the afternoon with my sister.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- We're talking about baby names.- Oh!
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Is it a boy or a girl? - Don't want to know.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Have you thought about "Steve"? - What if it's a girl?- Steve...en.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- That's a popular name, I've heard. - No, Steve!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51Come on, let's go.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55You can't sit here all afternoon saying baby names into each other's faces
0:10:55 > 0:11:00when there is the biggest race track ever seen built in my house.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Just go away.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04All right.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Steve, no! You're going to use your little time machine, go into
0:11:10 > 0:11:14the future and find out what my sister's baby boy or girl is called,
0:11:14 > 0:11:15then ruin our conversation
0:11:15 > 0:11:18just so I can go to your house and play with your cars.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22No, I was not! I was simply going to go into the future
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- and see if I ever got round to buying a new bulb for my bathroom light.- Are you sure?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- Of course. - Do you absolutely promise?
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I promise! This is a brand-new life we're talking about.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Go on, Frank, let him go. - All right, go!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Use your little time machine.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38OK.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Oh, sorry about that.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48The other thing is the colour on the wall. Pink and blue is too obvious.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Could you go for yellow?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Whoa!
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Well?- It's a boy and she calls it Marmaduke.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Marmaduke?!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Let's go. - At least, I think it was a boy.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Could've been a girl. Which one's got the wiggly bit?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Well, this is exciting. I wonder if we'll find anything today.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11If the past six months are anything to go by, I very much doubt it.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Oh! Oh, I think I've found something.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Well, let's have a look.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22There's nothing there.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- Really?- Yeah.- How strange.- I know.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Do you think the machine is broken? - Bzzz!- Oh!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Well, that didn't come from the machine.- No.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Is there a bee around here?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36Bzzz!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Bzzz!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Bzzz!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Bzzz!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48DOORBELL RINGS
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Trick or treat?- Sorry?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Trick or treat? - Oh, what a fantastic costume.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Wait right there.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59There you go.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01- Thank you.- Happy Halloween.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Psst! What did you get?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Some jelly babies and an apple.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13That's pathetic. You're never going to fill a sack like that.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Now, put this on, get back in there and I'll talk you through it.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Please can I have some more sweets, please?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Don't say "please". - Not please. I want more sweets.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I haven't got any more sweets.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- Ask him if he hates you. - You hate me, don't you?
0:13:37 > 0:13:38No, I don't even know you.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42- Tell him you want more apples. - I want more apples.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I don't think so. I gave you the same as everyone else.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Say you'll bite him and then he'll be a werewolf.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- I'll bite you and make you a werewolf.- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Tell him you have special powers.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55I have special powers.
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Say you can summon dark forces.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- I can summon dark horses.- Horses?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Er...- Go with it. Just say they're bad-tempered horses.- Yes, yes,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08bad-tempered horses, they mess up your garden and stuff.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Oh, no, I like horses.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14We are getting a bit off-track here. Throw a tantrum to confuse him.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16HE SHOUTS AND CRIES
0:14:21 > 0:14:23No, my plants!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Good, keep it going.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You're a really angry werewolf.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29That's my milk!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38All right, all right! Give me your bag.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44There you go. Happy Halloween.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- Thank you.- Don't say thank you.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I mean, no, thank you.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Hey! Much better. What did you get?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Cheese.- Cheese?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Result.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59Now who looks ridiculous?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Oh, he's taken my jelly babies!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Ready for you now, Doctor.
0:15:09 > 0:15:14- Good. So...this is the kidney bone operation, is it?- Heart.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Heart, yes, yes, I knew that.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- I knew that, Nurse. So this woman's heart...- It's a man.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Is it? Yes, yes, it is.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25So this man's heart needs cleaning?
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- Cleaning?- Yes, we can open him up, have a good clean,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33polish all the buttons and then off she goes...
0:15:33 > 0:15:35off HE goes. Textbook stuff.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37It's a heart transplant.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Yes, I knew that. I was just joking with you, Nurse.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42So, this heart transport...
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- Transplant.- Right.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And, um, what does that involve?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What do we...?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Remove the heart, replace it with another.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Right. Really? We can do that?
0:15:54 > 0:15:59- Yes, Doctor.- Wow. That's like something you'd see in a film.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02The thing is, I'm a bit out of my depth here.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I've never actually done anything like this before.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I thought I could blag my way through it, but obviously I haven't
0:16:09 > 0:16:11got a clue what I'm doing.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17If I'm honest with you, I'd always wanted a career in musical theatre.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25# I close my eyes
0:16:25 > 0:16:29# Drew back the curtains...#
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Oi! I warned you about this before.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33HEAVY ROCK MUSIC
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Eh? Did you like it? Was it good?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Yes, thank you. It was very nice.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47I bring all my first dates here. They love it!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51It's kind of classy.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- It's nice.- Monsieur et Madame, your main courses will arrive soon.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57OK, cheers.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01HE SINGS NERVOUSLY
0:17:02 > 0:17:05- A bit boring, this bit.- Sorry.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Oh, no, the bit between the courses.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12It's a bit boring. There's nothing to do.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- We could always talk.- No.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I've got a better idea.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Wey-hey!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Come on.- Are you all right?
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Yes, I'm fine. Come on, it's your turn.- My turn to do what?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32The Mexican wave, of course!
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Wey-hey! Boo!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- Boo!- Now you're booing me. What are you doing?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44- Do the Mexican wave. - I know, but why?
0:17:44 > 0:17:48It doesn't start of its own accord. Someone's got to do it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Wey-hey!
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Boo! Boo!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Come on, Susan. It's a laugh.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- We're in a restaurant.- Yeah, I know.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Wey-hey!- Wey-hey!- Wey-hey!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- Boo!- Boo!- Boo!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- Now you're doing it. - Yeah, well, of course.
0:18:09 > 0:18:14They're up for a good time. Wey-hey!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16- Wey-hey!- Wey-hey!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Wey-hey!- Wey-hey!
0:18:18 > 0:18:24- Boo!- Boo! Boo!- All right, all right.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Wey-hey!
0:18:25 > 0:18:27CHEERING
0:18:32 > 0:18:35We're going to get on, you and me. I can just tell.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- What are you doing?- My new dance game. It's great. And I'm winning.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Oh, excellent. Is it like Strictly Come Dancing, is it? You know what?
0:18:54 > 0:18:57I would win that show with my legs tied behind my back.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I used to be quite a mover, actually, in my youth.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- Come on, let's have a game.- I'm just going to go and do my homework.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08- No, come on, you serve first. - It's not won on points.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10It's won on percentages. And there's no serving.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- All right. Well, where are the judges?- There's no judges.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18It's changed a lot since my time, but still. Come on, let's rock.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Stay on the mat!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26You can't score any points if you're not on the mat.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28You've got to keep up.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30Keep time, that's it. One, two, three...
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- 'Bad luck, you have scored 3%.' - Well, that's stupid.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I don't know what this game is about but it's not dancing.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Right, best of three.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I've got to do my homework.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"And as the glass slipper fit, the Prince married Cinderella."
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- That's nothing, mate.- What?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05It's nothing, all that glass slippers an' that.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08One time, I was doing some pipe laying in Swindon.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I needed a new pair of work boots so I bought a pair off this fella.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16Said he used to work for the FBI. Didn't believe him.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18I tried them on cos they were my size.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Guess what I found in the toecap?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24A tiny camera.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- What are you talking about? - True story.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Don't mess with the FBI.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33When have you ever been to Swindon?
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Close the door on your way out. Early start tomorrow.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Oh, sir, I have walked many miles to find you.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Why don't people use the ferry?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Oh, right.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Now, do you have a question for me?
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Or did you just come to boast about how many miles you have walked?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05My question is this - what is the purpose of life?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Ah, a good question indeed.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11A question I have considered in my many years as a sage
0:21:11 > 0:21:14and in my many years before that as a shepherd,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17because, let's face it, being a shepherd is quite boring.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Did you come to a conclusion?
0:21:18 > 0:21:24I did. After much contemplation, I can safely state
0:21:24 > 0:21:26that the purpose of life is...
0:21:27 > 0:21:32..to eat grass, to wander aimlessly around in circles,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35get scared by almost anything and to let people take your wool
0:21:35 > 0:21:37to make into lovely jumpers.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Are you sure that is not the purpose of a sheep?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42No, I'm pretty sure it's the purpose of life.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44There must be more.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Well, if you're not happy with that, as my grandfather used to say,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51a tricky thing the purpose of life, like eating soup with just a knife.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56But here's an answer that's easy to bear, never wear nylon underwear.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59Gets very sweaty, see? Isn't that right, Grandpa?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03Not now. I'm practising my street moves, isn't it?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04HIP HOP MUSIC
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- Sorry.- So...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09BELL RINGS Time's up, next please.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12# Beat street The king of the beat
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- # You see me rocking that beat... # - There's magic.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22This is the Outer Hebridean island of North Barrasay.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28And this is Valerie Carpenter, head and only teacher at the school
0:22:28 > 0:22:30which has only one pupil.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It's the last day of term at North Barrasay
0:22:33 > 0:22:35but there are no lessons today.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38It's a day of fun and games.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Morning, Miss.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49I said one or two games, not the entire toyshop.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52I know, but I couldn't decide, so I just brought the lot.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- Where are you going? - I'm just going to get the rest.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57They're in the wheelbarrow.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03It's a time for both staff and pupils to relax.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Erm. Ooh!
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Oh, dear. Um...
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Ah!
0:23:19 > 0:23:21King mate!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Oh, jings, crivens, how did I not see that coming?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Keep it down, Ross.- Sorry, Miss.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35So, are you looking forward to the holiday?
0:23:35 > 0:23:39- I imagine you'll be glad of a break from Ross.- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
0:23:39 > 0:23:44I consider every day I get to teach a young mind, a privilege.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Left hand green.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51Even with Ross, who offers some unique educational challenges.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53- Miss, how do I know when I've won? - I don't know, Ross.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57No, to me, that's the beauty of the job, dedicating yourself
0:23:57 > 0:23:59to shaping an individual.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Miss, can you do the spinner?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03I'm not your servant, Ross. Do it yourself!
0:24:03 > 0:24:06OK. I'll use my tongue.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Although, I suppose we all need a break.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Left hand blue.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20# Sing a song of sixpence... #
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Obviously pre-decimalisation. Probably worth about £11 today.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- # A pocket full of rye. #- Well, no place to store rye, a pocket.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Exposes it to all sorts of fungal growths.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# Four and 20 blackbirds... #
0:24:31 > 0:24:35That's 24 blackbirds, by the way, not four and 20. 24 blackbirds.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37# Baked in a pie... #
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Definite health and safety issues.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42# When the pie was open, the birds began to sing... #
0:24:42 > 0:24:45It's very unlikely that the birds would survive the baking process
0:24:45 > 0:24:48and, if they did, with third degree burns,
0:24:48 > 0:24:49I doubt they'd be in any mood to sing.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53# Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the King? #
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Oh, God, don't give it to the King. No, no, no,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59what if he gets Lyme disease and dies and there's a constitutional crisis?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04What? Don't blame me. You know full well
0:25:04 > 0:25:07that if you went on Ready Steady Cook with a pocket full of rye
0:25:07 > 0:25:11and 24 live blackbirds, Ainsley would have you escorted out of the studio.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Oh, I don't know. It all looks lovely.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22Yes, I can recommend the steak. Very good.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- Are you ready to order? - Yes, I think so.
0:25:27 > 0:25:33Um. I'll have the er... um...chicken...
0:25:33 > 0:25:38Oh, no. Spaghetti... I'll have the Dover sole.
0:25:38 > 0:25:44Oh, actually, no. Er, no... Er...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46How about the steak?
0:25:46 > 0:25:47No.
0:25:47 > 0:25:51Um... I will have me the...
0:25:54 > 0:25:57SHE MAKES CLICKING NOISES
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- She's a w...!- ..Ravioli.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Sorry, what was that?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Nothing, nothing.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- And for you, sir? - Yes, I will have the steak, please.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14The steak is off.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17What?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20We don't have any steak.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Perhaps sir would like the chicken.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25But I only wanted steak.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I wouldn't have come if I had known there wasn't going to be steak.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Well, there's really nothing that I can do.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Maybe sir would like a moment to consider.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Right.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39OK. Fine.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45A witch! He's a witch!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:26:58 > 0:27:02Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06CHANTING CONTINUES
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Would you like to go somewhere else?
0:27:16 > 0:27:18DOOR SLAMS
0:27:20 > 0:27:23What? I just wanted the steak.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29'Ground floor, going up.'
0:27:30 > 0:27:31PHWRRT!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36PHWRRT!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40PHWRRT!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- PHWRRT! - It's me! It's my phone.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47It's polyphonic. Hiya, Mum.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49PHWRRRRRRT!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yeah, sorry, that one WAS me.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Yeah, Mum, I just farted.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:56 > 0:27:58E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk