Episode 7

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0:00:02 > 0:00:04CHILDREN CHEER

0:00:07 > 0:00:09DOG PANTS

0:00:09 > 0:00:11SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:00:11 > 0:00:14BABBLING

0:00:53 > 0:00:55HE STRAINS Yeah. Yeah.

0:00:55 > 0:00:59Argh! Ah! Oh!

0:00:59 > 0:01:02Eeeh! I'm so bendy!

0:01:02 > 0:01:04Ah!

0:01:04 > 0:01:06Ooh!

0:01:07 > 0:01:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:01:09 > 0:01:11You've ruined that!

0:01:11 > 0:01:14Let's get on with the show!

0:01:14 > 0:01:17AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:01:21 > 0:01:24Hello. I'm Iain Stirling and this is The Dog Ate My Homework -

0:01:24 > 0:01:26a show that's a bit like a cake.

0:01:26 > 0:01:30The guests are the raw ingredients and I'm the delicious icing on top.

0:01:30 > 0:01:33But be warned, it may contain nuts.

0:01:33 > 0:01:37CUCKOO CLOCK HOOTS

0:01:37 > 0:01:39So, let's meet the teams.

0:01:39 > 0:01:42On my right, a boy who's one seriously cool dude,

0:01:42 > 0:01:44mainly cos he sleeps in a fridge.

0:01:44 > 0:01:47- It's William.- Here, sir! - AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:01:48 > 0:01:50And on William's team,

0:01:50 > 0:01:53a man who made a whole programme about horrible food.

0:01:53 > 0:01:57His mother was furious. It's The One Show's Alex Riley!

0:01:57 > 0:02:00- Here, sir! - AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:02:00 > 0:02:04And finally, someone who's got terrible table manners

0:02:04 > 0:02:05and awful personal hygiene.

0:02:05 > 0:02:07He's basically a complete animal.

0:02:07 > 0:02:11It's CBBC's very own Dodge T Dog.

0:02:11 > 0:02:13- AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS - Oh!

0:02:13 > 0:02:14Hi!

0:02:15 > 0:02:17Disgusting. Disgusting.

0:02:17 > 0:02:20And on my left, a girl who does an amazing impression of a teacher.

0:02:20 > 0:02:23In fact, she's got to leave in a few minutes to do some marking.

0:02:23 > 0:02:27- It's Caitlin!- Here, sir. - AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:02:29 > 0:02:31And on Caitlin's team,

0:02:31 > 0:02:33someone who had a very poor attendance record

0:02:33 > 0:02:35at St Mary's School in Ipswich.

0:02:35 > 0:02:37That's because she went to school in Birmingham.

0:02:37 > 0:02:38It's stand-up comedian Shazia Mirza!

0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Whoo! - AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:02:42 > 0:02:43And finally on Caitlin's team,

0:02:43 > 0:02:45a man who does so much travelling

0:02:45 > 0:02:46he lives out of a suitcase.

0:02:46 > 0:02:48I know cos I went round his house for some tea

0:02:48 > 0:02:51and it got really awkward when he put the lid back on.

0:02:51 > 0:02:53It's All Over the Place's Ed Petrie!

0:02:53 > 0:02:55- AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS - Yo, sir!

0:02:57 > 0:02:59So, what's the show all about?

0:02:59 > 0:03:01Mainly involves me sitting here being awesome,

0:03:01 > 0:03:03but occasionally we might play a game,

0:03:03 > 0:03:05and if our teams are any good,

0:03:05 > 0:03:08they'll win themselves a shiny gold star.

0:03:08 > 0:03:10- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

0:03:10 > 0:03:12I know. They're very cute.

0:03:12 > 0:03:14Anyway, teams get gold stars for being hilarious and clever,

0:03:14 > 0:03:17and sometimes they get them if they just have interesting haircuts.

0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Dodge.- Hello.

0:03:19 > 0:03:22- What an interesting haircut. Have a gold star.- Thank you!

0:03:22 > 0:03:23You're welcome.

0:03:23 > 0:03:25But I can also take them away. Dodge.

0:03:25 > 0:03:29- Hello.- You smell like 2,000 boys in a sports hall.- You what?!

0:03:29 > 0:03:31- You're losing that gold star, mate!- Oh!

0:03:31 > 0:03:33- AUDIENCE:- Aw!

0:03:33 > 0:03:36Hey, don't question me cos it's Iain's school so it's...

0:03:36 > 0:03:38- AUDIENCE:- Iain's rules!

0:03:38 > 0:03:40Yes, I've got a catchphrase.

0:03:40 > 0:03:42At the end of the show, the team with the most gold stars wins

0:03:42 > 0:03:44and are crowned the winners,

0:03:44 > 0:03:48while the others get shouted at by a man angrier than a wasp

0:03:48 > 0:03:49that's just stubbed its toe.

0:03:49 > 0:03:51It's Mr Smash.

0:03:51 > 0:03:54MACHINE WHIRS Oh, Smash has tidied up.

0:03:54 > 0:03:55Your office looks great!

0:03:55 > 0:03:57- Hey-hey! Yeah! - What have you got there?

0:03:57 > 0:03:59HE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS What is it?

0:03:59 > 0:04:02- No, no, no. That's not a vacuum, mate.- Huh?!

0:04:02 > 0:04:04- That's a leaf blower.- Hey! - No, no, no.

0:04:04 > 0:04:08Mate, don't. No, no, no. HE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS

0:04:10 > 0:04:12Argh!

0:04:12 > 0:04:14AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

0:04:15 > 0:04:19OK, guys. Let's get on with the show!

0:04:19 > 0:04:22AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:04:22 > 0:04:25This next round is called Stick To The Point.

0:04:25 > 0:04:28- BOOMING VOICE: - 'Stick To The Point'.

0:04:28 > 0:04:30For this game, I need a hi-tech piece of equipment

0:04:30 > 0:04:33that's been developed by a crack team of top scientists

0:04:33 > 0:04:37working round-the-clock in high-security laboratories

0:04:37 > 0:04:38at the centre of the earth.

0:04:38 > 0:04:41Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

0:04:41 > 0:04:43a stick.

0:04:43 > 0:04:44- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yes. Here's how it works.

0:04:46 > 0:04:48I set the teams a series of questions.

0:04:48 > 0:04:51I point this stick randomly at a member of both teams.

0:04:51 > 0:04:56If they fail to answer, repeat an answer or simply look like this...

0:04:56 > 0:04:59Eh? AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:04:59 > 0:05:01..then I'll put them in the shush position.

0:05:01 > 0:05:03Can I see your shush positions, please?

0:05:03 > 0:05:08Lovely stuff. Lovely stuff. OK. Let's do this.

0:05:08 > 0:05:12Our first topic is things you can find in the sea.

0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Dodge.- Walrus.

0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Walrus.- Walruses. Walruses.

0:05:17 > 0:05:19- Shazia.- Jellyfish.

0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yes, please.

0:05:21 > 0:05:23- William.- Whales.

0:05:23 > 0:05:25Whales. What, the country or the...?

0:05:25 > 0:05:28The big fish things.

0:05:28 > 0:05:30AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:05:30 > 0:05:32They're actually mammals.

0:05:32 > 0:05:33Smug sip.

0:05:33 > 0:05:36AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:05:36 > 0:05:40- Ed.- Plastic bags. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:05:40 > 0:05:44Not with the new improved five pence charge, they're not.

0:05:44 > 0:05:45Political sip.

0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Dodge.- Dog eggs.

0:05:50 > 0:05:52Oh, what?!

0:05:52 > 0:05:55- True, true. You can find dog eggs.- In the sea?

0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yeah. Accidents happen, Ed.

0:05:58 > 0:06:00That is the last time I'm taking you to the beach.

0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Caitlin.- Dinner.- Dinner?!

0:06:03 > 0:06:05Yeah. Like cod and salmon and stuff like that.

0:06:05 > 0:06:07HE LAUGHS

0:06:07 > 0:06:09AUDIENCES CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:06:11 > 0:06:14- I'm going to give you a bonus gold star.- Yeah!

0:06:14 > 0:06:16- Alex.- Waves.

0:06:16 > 0:06:17Yes. IN the sea.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20Are you trying to tell me there are no waves in the sea? Come on.

0:06:20 > 0:06:22Come on. Have a sip of water and think about it.

0:06:22 > 0:06:24AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Shush position.- Hey!- Oh!

0:06:30 > 0:06:31- Caitlin.- Sand.

0:06:31 > 0:06:33Yes, please. Dodge.

0:06:33 > 0:06:35I was going to say sand.

0:06:35 > 0:06:37Mm?

0:06:37 > 0:06:40Can you retract that, please, so I can say it?

0:06:40 > 0:06:42Guess what - shush position, please. HE WHIMPERS

0:06:42 > 0:06:46- AUDIENCE:- Aw! - Don't you dare fall for that!

0:06:46 > 0:06:48Stop it! HE BARKS LIKE A SEAL

0:06:50 > 0:06:53- HE GRUNTS LIKE A SEAL - Seal! A seal!

0:06:53 > 0:06:55Get in the shush position.

0:06:55 > 0:06:58And you just made the next answer very easy for the next people.

0:06:58 > 0:07:01- Ed.- Seal.- Yeah. Correct.

0:07:01 > 0:07:02William.

0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Um...- Shush position!

0:07:04 > 0:07:06- Points go to Caitlin's team!- Yay!

0:07:06 > 0:07:09AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

0:07:12 > 0:07:15Next topic is things that make you feel sick.

0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Dodge.- Toe cheese.

0:07:18 > 0:07:19Eugh.

0:07:19 > 0:07:22I thought he said t'ai chi at the beginning.

0:07:22 > 0:07:23"Oh, welcome to toe cheese."

0:07:23 > 0:07:26- HE WHIMPERS Ed.- Ferries.

0:07:26 > 0:07:28- Ferries? Oh, yeah. Seasick.- Mm. - Yeah.

0:07:28 > 0:07:30Fairies?

0:07:30 > 0:07:31- Not fairies.- Oh.

0:07:31 > 0:07:34- I like fairies.- I like fairies.

0:07:34 > 0:07:36- William.- Marzipan.- Marzipan?- Yeah.

0:07:36 > 0:07:40- I don't like the consistency. - It's disgusting.- Caitlin.

0:07:40 > 0:07:42- School dinners.- School dinner. Eugh!

0:07:42 > 0:07:44Eugh! Yuck! I had my own packed lunch.

0:07:44 > 0:07:47- Alex.- Sour milk. - Yes, please. Shazia.

0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Brussels sprouts. - Oh, disgusting.- Disgusting.

0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Eugh! Dodge.- Octopuses.

0:07:54 > 0:07:56- Why do they make you feel sick? - They're just weird.

0:07:56 > 0:07:58They've got all them legs and eyes up here.

0:07:58 > 0:08:01They don't. They've got two legs and six arms.

0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Ew!- Fact.- It's weird, Iain. - Fact. That's a fact.- Eugh!

0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Alex.- Too much chocolate.

0:08:05 > 0:08:06Yes, please. Caitlin.

0:08:06 > 0:08:07- Feet.- Feet.

0:08:10 > 0:08:12One person just went, "Eugh! I've got feet!

0:08:12 > 0:08:14AUDIENCE LAUGHS Alex.

0:08:14 > 0:08:18- Somebody vomiting right next to you. - AUDIENCE:- Ew!

0:08:18 > 0:08:19Maybe a bit goes in your eye.

0:08:19 > 0:08:22And that is why Alex wears glasses.

0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Caitlin.- Uh...

0:08:24 > 0:08:26Shush position.

0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Dodge.- Your attitude.

0:08:28 > 0:08:30AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:08:32 > 0:08:34- Bonus point. Go on. - Um, you know...- Bonus point.

0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Go on, then. Bonus gold star.- Yay! - AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:08:36 > 0:08:40Bonus gold star. I'm not happy about it.

0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Shazia.- Socks.- Ed.

0:08:43 > 0:08:44- Uh, your face...- Ah!

0:08:44 > 0:08:48- Shush position!- Aw!- Shush position!

0:08:48 > 0:08:50- William. - Meat when it's not cooked properly.

0:08:50 > 0:08:52Yes, please. Shazia.

0:08:52 > 0:08:54Driving along the motorway and you smell dung.

0:08:54 > 0:08:57You shouldn't keep it in your boot. That's what I think.

0:08:57 > 0:08:59- Alex.- Uh...

0:08:59 > 0:09:01Shush position.

0:09:01 > 0:09:04- Shazia.- Horses. - HE LAUGHS

0:09:04 > 0:09:06- Horses. They stink. They smell. - All of them?

0:09:06 > 0:09:07They make me feel sick.

0:09:07 > 0:09:10All the little girls in the room, "But I love my pony!"

0:09:10 > 0:09:13AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:09:13 > 0:09:16- William.- Oh...- Shush position!

0:09:16 > 0:09:18It's Dodge versus Shazia. Here we go.

0:09:18 > 0:09:20- Shazia.- The dentist.

0:09:20 > 0:09:21- Dodge.- The doctor.

0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Shazia.- The chiropodist.

0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Dodge.- The other one that does the other thing...

0:09:26 > 0:09:29Shush position!

0:09:29 > 0:09:32- Points go to Caitlin's team!- We won! - AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:09:32 > 0:09:34SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:09:34 > 0:09:36That noise signifies the end of the round,

0:09:36 > 0:09:39which means a gold star goes to...

0:09:39 > 0:09:40Caitlin's team!

0:09:40 > 0:09:43AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

0:09:48 > 0:09:52Now, guys, often people stop me on the street and say,

0:09:52 > 0:09:56"Iain, I wish I had a body like yours."

0:09:56 > 0:09:58Thank you, general public. You're too kind.

0:09:58 > 0:10:00But if you really want a showbiz bod,

0:10:00 > 0:10:04then you should try entering our Hole Of Fame.

0:10:04 > 0:10:06- BOOMING VOICE: - 'The Hole Of Fame.'

0:10:06 > 0:10:09Yes. It's time for careers advice and Who do You Think You Are?

0:10:09 > 0:10:11where our celebrities stick their face through a hole

0:10:11 > 0:10:13and guess whose celebrity body we've given them,

0:10:13 > 0:10:16but they can only do so by asking their team-mates

0:10:16 > 0:10:17a series of yes and no questions.

0:10:17 > 0:10:20Fewest questions wins the gold star. OK.

0:10:20 > 0:10:23Dodge, it's time for you to stick your head in The Hole Of Fame.

0:10:23 > 0:10:26- Oh, yeah.- BOOMING VOICE: - 'The Hole of Fame.'- Hi!

0:10:26 > 0:10:28AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:10:28 > 0:10:30Oh, this is lovely.

0:10:30 > 0:10:32It's like, you know the start of a film when the lion comes in?

0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Roaaaaar! - AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:10:36 > 0:10:38Time to make you more famous.

0:10:38 > 0:10:40Wiggly-diggly dog!

0:10:40 > 0:10:42Yeah! AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:10:44 > 0:10:46And off you go.

0:10:46 > 0:10:48Hey, am I male?

0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Yes.- Yes.- Yeah... Yes.- Yeah.

0:10:51 > 0:10:54Am I female?

0:10:54 > 0:10:55- No.- No.- No.

0:10:55 > 0:10:58- I'm good at this game. - ALEX LAUGHS

0:10:58 > 0:11:00Am I an actor?

0:11:00 > 0:11:02- No.- No.- No.- No.

0:11:02 > 0:11:04Am I a postman?

0:11:04 > 0:11:06- No.- No.- No.

0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Am I in the movies? - Yes!- Yes.- Very good.

0:11:09 > 0:11:12- Thank you. - AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Am I an alien?- Yes.

0:11:14 > 0:11:16Yes. Yes.

0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, it's not helped me at all.

0:11:18 > 0:11:20How did that not help?!

0:11:20 > 0:11:22How many aliens do you know from films?

0:11:22 > 0:11:24- ET?- No!

0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Oh!- Am I... Am I...

0:11:26 > 0:11:28Oh, OK. All right. Do I live on another planet?

0:11:28 > 0:11:30- Yeah.- Yes.- You're an alien!

0:11:30 > 0:11:32Hang on, hang on, hang on.

0:11:32 > 0:11:34That's the definition of being an alien!

0:11:34 > 0:11:36Hang on. Am I green?

0:11:36 > 0:11:38- Yes!- Yeah.- Am I Yoda?

0:11:38 > 0:11:39Yes!

0:11:39 > 0:11:41AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:11:43 > 0:11:45- Dodge, Dodge...- What?

0:11:45 > 0:11:47Put your head back in and I'll give you a bonus point

0:11:47 > 0:11:49for your best Yoda impression.

0:11:49 > 0:11:52- IMPERSONATES YODA:- Ooh, little dog I am.

0:11:52 > 0:11:54AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

0:11:54 > 0:11:58Bonus gold star to Dodge T Dog!

0:11:59 > 0:12:00OK.

0:12:00 > 0:12:02Shazia, you're up first for Caitlin's team,

0:12:02 > 0:12:05so please make your way to The Hole Of Fame.

0:12:05 > 0:12:08- BOOMING VOICE: - 'The Hole Of Fame.'

0:12:08 > 0:12:10OK, Shazia.

0:12:10 > 0:12:13It is time to make you more famous.

0:12:13 > 0:12:14Shoo-da-poo-pa!

0:12:17 > 0:12:18Shazia, yes-no questions.

0:12:18 > 0:12:21Try and work out who it is you are. Off you go.

0:12:21 > 0:12:23Am I a man or a woman?

0:12:23 > 0:12:25That's not a yes and no question.

0:12:25 > 0:12:28- Am I a woman?- No.- No.

0:12:28 > 0:12:30So I'm a man?

0:12:30 > 0:12:32- BOTH:- Yes.

0:12:32 > 0:12:33Am I American?

0:12:33 > 0:12:35America but we like them more.

0:12:35 > 0:12:37Oh, I'm Canadian.

0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Yes.- Yes. - I'm Canadian. Am I a pop star?

0:12:40 > 0:12:42- BOTH:- Yes.

0:12:42 > 0:12:45A Canadian pop star. I mean, there ain't many kind of...

0:12:47 > 0:12:48Michael Buble.

0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Come on. Canadian pop star. - Ricky Martin.

0:12:52 > 0:12:54- No. No.- Who?

0:12:54 > 0:12:56Ricky Martin?

0:12:56 > 0:12:58HE CHATTERS What are you doing?!

0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Why are you doing that? - He had a pet monkey.

0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Monkey. Michael Jackson?- No!

0:13:04 > 0:13:08- He had a pet monkey! - He did, but he's not Canadian.

0:13:08 > 0:13:10I know, but I thought I'd give it a go.

0:13:10 > 0:13:11It was worth it.

0:13:11 > 0:13:14I think the pet monkey is a red herring.

0:13:14 > 0:13:18He did not have a red herring. He had a monkey!

0:13:18 > 0:13:20Has he got any animals?

0:13:20 > 0:13:22# Oh, baby, baby, baby

0:13:22 > 0:13:23# Oh, come on, baby. #

0:13:23 > 0:13:24# Baby, baby... #

0:13:24 > 0:13:25That's every song!

0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Is he old?- No. Very young.

0:13:29 > 0:13:30Oh!

0:13:30 > 0:13:32Justin Bieber!

0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah! AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:13:36 > 0:13:38Oh! Well done, Shazia.

0:13:38 > 0:13:40At the end of that round, though,

0:13:40 > 0:13:43the winner and getting themselves a gold star is...

0:13:43 > 0:13:46William's team!

0:13:46 > 0:13:48AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:13:52 > 0:13:54It's time for the greatest thing on television.

0:13:54 > 0:13:58I'm not talking about my face. It's Pie The Supply.

0:13:58 > 0:14:00- BOOMING VOICE: - 'Pie The Supply.'

0:14:00 > 0:14:01In a moment, we'll present the teams

0:14:01 > 0:14:03with four possible substitute teachers.

0:14:03 > 0:14:05All they have to do is work out

0:14:05 > 0:14:07which one has got a proper qualification

0:14:07 > 0:14:10and which one has got a proper cheek being here.

0:14:10 > 0:14:13Once the teams have identified who they think is the real teacher,

0:14:13 > 0:14:17they will then shake their hand and say, "Jolly well done."

0:14:17 > 0:14:19Just kidding. They'll pie them in the face.

0:14:19 > 0:14:23So, let's bring out the teachers.

0:14:23 > 0:14:25- AUDIENCE:- Boo!

0:14:31 > 0:14:34Boo to you.

0:14:34 > 0:14:37OK, so, today's teachers are business study teachers,

0:14:37 > 0:14:43and for our team captains, here are their CVs.

0:14:43 > 0:14:45Teacher number one is Mr Manclarke.

0:14:45 > 0:14:49He's been a business education teacher for 17 years.

0:14:49 > 0:14:51He recently dressed up as Elsa from Frozen

0:14:51 > 0:14:56and sang Let It Go at his school end-of-term concert.

0:14:56 > 0:14:58Teacher number two, Mrs Palmeri,

0:14:58 > 0:15:02has recently retired having taught business for 15 years.

0:15:02 > 0:15:06Embarrassingly, she slept in for her last day of school.

0:15:06 > 0:15:09Teacher number three is Ms Pollock. She's been teaching for three years.

0:15:09 > 0:15:13Her greatest achievement in teaching so far came

0:15:13 > 0:15:17when pupils voted her best dressed business teacher two years running.

0:15:17 > 0:15:18- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

0:15:20 > 0:15:23Teacher number four, Mr Geng,

0:15:23 > 0:15:26has been teaching business for 18 years.

0:15:26 > 0:15:30In his spare time, Mr Geng is a bit of an adrenaline junkie

0:15:30 > 0:15:34and has completed over 100 solo skydives.

0:15:34 > 0:15:35- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

0:15:35 > 0:15:39OK, so, Caitlin's team, first impressions.

0:15:39 > 0:15:40Caitlin, you're at school.

0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Who do you think looks like a teacher, who doesn't?- Number one.

0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Why number one?- Really?- Yeah.

0:15:44 > 0:15:46Yeah, because he's got, like,

0:15:46 > 0:15:49his shirt tucked in his trousers and everything.

0:15:49 > 0:15:52- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - But so is number four.

0:15:52 > 0:15:55When number four came out, I thought, "Teacher," straightaway.

0:15:55 > 0:15:58- I think a real teacher tucks right into the pants.- Mm.

0:15:59 > 0:16:00Full pants tuckage.

0:16:00 > 0:16:04Number four is looking at me like, "Don't you dare ask me."

0:16:04 > 0:16:06What do you think, William?

0:16:06 > 0:16:08You're at school. Which one looks like it could be a teacher?

0:16:08 > 0:16:11- I think it's number four. - You think number four?- Yeah.- Why?

0:16:11 > 0:16:13I don't know. He just reminds me of a teacher.

0:16:13 > 0:16:15He's just a bit nonchalant.

0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Do you know what nonchalant means? - No.

0:16:18 > 0:16:20It's written on this desk.

0:16:20 > 0:16:23Right, OK. So, questions. Let's narrow it down a bit.

0:16:23 > 0:16:25Caitlin's team, you got any questions?

0:16:25 > 0:16:28You can ask them all together, you can ask them individually.

0:16:28 > 0:16:29What do you want to do?

0:16:29 > 0:16:32I was just going to get him to sing that song from Frozen now.

0:16:32 > 0:16:35- Just the chorus. - Just the chorus?- Yeah.

0:16:35 > 0:16:36# Let it go

0:16:36 > 0:16:38# Let it go, let it go. #

0:16:38 > 0:16:40- That's all I know. - AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:16:40 > 0:16:42- What?! - I would love the film if it was...

0:16:42 > 0:16:45# Let it go, let it go

0:16:45 > 0:16:46# That is all I know. #

0:16:47 > 0:16:49It would be a very short movie.

0:16:49 > 0:16:51I'm very suspicious about number one now.

0:16:51 > 0:16:54- You're not happy with one at all. Caitlin?- Yeah. Like, number four...

0:16:54 > 0:16:57- Number four. - ..when did you get your glasses?

0:16:57 > 0:16:59Good question.

0:16:59 > 0:17:01About 2007.

0:17:01 > 0:17:03You're definitely a teacher then.

0:17:03 > 0:17:04- Yeah.- Why?

0:17:04 > 0:17:07Cos all the teachers get their glasses in 2007.

0:17:09 > 0:17:12Number three, how many mugs have you got?

0:17:12 > 0:17:15Mugs? Uh, I'd say about five.

0:17:15 > 0:17:16Teachers always have a lot of mugs.

0:17:16 > 0:17:19- They always steal each other's mugs. - Is that what they do?

0:17:19 > 0:17:22- Yeah, that's what I used to do. - Were you a teacher?- Yeah.

0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Boo! Boo! AUDIENCE:- Boo!

0:17:26 > 0:17:28Alex, number four looks like your evil twin.

0:17:31 > 0:17:33AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:17:33 > 0:17:35Right, this is for one, two, three and four.

0:17:35 > 0:17:37- Dodge...- Yeah?

0:17:37 > 0:17:39..I want you to pretend you've got an itchy bottom.

0:17:39 > 0:17:42- Ooh!- What do dogs do when they've got an itchy bottom?

0:17:42 > 0:17:44They drag it across the carpet.

0:17:44 > 0:17:46Now, one, two, three, four.

0:17:46 > 0:17:48I want you to tell this pupil to stop

0:17:48 > 0:17:50dragging his bottom across the carpet.

0:17:50 > 0:17:53OK. Number three, you go first.

0:17:53 > 0:17:55Stop dragging yourself across the floor

0:17:55 > 0:17:57or it'll be the head teacher's office.

0:17:57 > 0:17:59- Oh!- Oh!

0:17:59 > 0:18:01Number two.

0:18:01 > 0:18:04Stop dragging yourself across the floor!

0:18:04 > 0:18:05I didn't see that coming.

0:18:07 > 0:18:08Number one.

0:18:08 > 0:18:09Right, enough of that now.

0:18:09 > 0:18:11There you are.

0:18:13 > 0:18:15Sir, sir, sir!

0:18:15 > 0:18:18I got a splinter when I was dragging myself across the floor.

0:18:19 > 0:18:20And number four.

0:18:20 > 0:18:23I warned you not to do it. You're expelled.

0:18:23 > 0:18:25- AUDIENCE:- Oh!

0:18:25 > 0:18:27That was a bit extreme!

0:18:27 > 0:18:30"Are you running in the corridor? Expelled!"

0:18:30 > 0:18:33OK, first of all, before our teams decide who they're going to pie,

0:18:33 > 0:18:35audience, I'm going to ask you.

0:18:35 > 0:18:37Who do you think is the real teacher?

0:18:37 > 0:18:39On the count of three - one, two, three.

0:18:39 > 0:18:42AUDIENCE SHOUTS NUMBERS

0:18:48 > 0:18:49So, it's decision time.

0:18:49 > 0:18:52Who do you think is telling the truth and who is telling lies?

0:18:52 > 0:18:54Caitlin, it's time to...

0:18:54 > 0:18:57- BOOMING VOICE:- 'Pie The Supply.' - Off you go, Caitlin.

0:18:57 > 0:18:59Come on. Off you go. Come on.

0:18:59 > 0:19:01- ALL:- Ohh!

0:19:01 > 0:19:03Who's she going to pie?

0:19:09 > 0:19:10Come on!

0:19:11 > 0:19:14AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:19:16 > 0:19:18You're meant to pie her in the face.

0:19:18 > 0:19:20- I tried.- You've given her a quiff.

0:19:21 > 0:19:23Put it down.

0:19:23 > 0:19:25She's not the best dressed teacher now.

0:19:25 > 0:19:29William, you're up next. It's time for you to...

0:19:29 > 0:19:32- BOOMING VOICE:- 'Pie The Supply.' - OK, here we go.

0:19:32 > 0:19:35- ALL:- Oh!

0:19:40 > 0:19:42AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS

0:19:42 > 0:19:45Number two! Number two!

0:19:47 > 0:19:49Put down the pie. Put down the pie.

0:19:52 > 0:19:53Sit down.

0:19:54 > 0:19:55Look at William.

0:19:55 > 0:19:57William's stood like that going,

0:19:57 > 0:19:59"Oh, I've got a bit of pie on my fingers."

0:19:59 > 0:20:01AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:20:01 > 0:20:03It's got to be two or three. This is a disaster.

0:20:05 > 0:20:09Would the real supply teacher please step forward?

0:20:11 > 0:20:13AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:20:19 > 0:20:22Caitlin! Caitlin!

0:20:22 > 0:20:24Why did you pick number three?

0:20:24 > 0:20:25Cos Shazia told me to.

0:20:25 > 0:20:29AUDIENCE LAUGHS Who did you think it was?

0:20:29 > 0:20:32- Number one! - HE LAUGHS

0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh. William.

0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Apologise to number two.- I'm sorry.

0:20:37 > 0:20:40Well, guys, neither of you got it right.

0:20:40 > 0:20:42I guess no gold stars, but look at that.

0:20:42 > 0:20:45We've got one smug supply teacher!

0:20:45 > 0:20:47AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

0:20:52 > 0:20:56OK, this next round is drama in the form of Mime Craft.

0:20:56 > 0:20:58- BOOMING VOICE:- 'Mime Craft.'

0:20:58 > 0:21:01And in a TV studio, the crews use mime all the time.

0:21:01 > 0:21:03They've written down some of their favourite phrases.

0:21:03 > 0:21:05For example, the shh gesture.

0:21:05 > 0:21:07That means, "Shh, everyone's filming."

0:21:07 > 0:21:11And this, that means we're going live in five seconds.

0:21:11 > 0:21:14And this... MOUTHS SILENTLY

0:21:14 > 0:21:16..means, "Quick, everyone. Iain's coming. Hide.

0:21:16 > 0:21:20"We don't like him very much." AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:21:20 > 0:21:21What have I done?!

0:21:21 > 0:21:24Right, well, I'm glad I've learnt something there.

0:21:24 > 0:21:26In this round, one member of each team

0:21:26 > 0:21:28will have to mime whatever activity comes up,

0:21:28 > 0:21:31and their teams have to guess what on earth they're playing at,

0:21:31 > 0:21:34so, Caitlin, who do you want to do the miming -

0:21:34 > 0:21:36Shazia or Ed Petrie?

0:21:36 > 0:21:38Who looks the mimiest?

0:21:38 > 0:21:39- Ed.- Ed.

0:21:39 > 0:21:43Ed, then please mime your way to the mime spot.

0:21:43 > 0:21:44Whoo!

0:21:44 > 0:21:47Watch out for that door. There we go. Lovely stuff.

0:21:47 > 0:21:48Close it behind...

0:21:48 > 0:21:50He's a very tidy mimer.

0:21:50 > 0:21:52OK, Ed...

0:21:52 > 0:21:54- BOOMING VOICE:- 'School Disco!'

0:21:54 > 0:21:56School disco!

0:21:56 > 0:21:58MUSIC: Best Song Ever By One Direction

0:21:58 > 0:22:00# And we danced all night to the best song ever

0:22:00 > 0:22:04# We knew every line Now I can't remember

0:22:04 > 0:22:08# How it goes but I know that I won't forget her

0:22:08 > 0:22:11# Cos we danced all night to the best song ever. #

0:22:11 > 0:22:14RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

0:22:14 > 0:22:16AUDIENCE LAUGHS OK, so, Ed...

0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Iain...- What?- Uh...

0:22:18 > 0:22:20- Did you burst it?- Mm-hm.

0:22:20 > 0:22:22Put that down. Put it down.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23Pwah!

0:22:23 > 0:22:26OK. Ed, your time starts when Caitlin turns over the first card.

0:22:26 > 0:22:29Caitlin, over to you. Here we go.

0:22:32 > 0:22:35- Penguin.- No.- A bird. - A bird. A bird.

0:22:35 > 0:22:38- Ostrich! Ostrich!- Do the full cycle! Do the full cycle!

0:22:40 > 0:22:42- Hedgehog!- No!

0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Pass it! Pass it!- Pass!

0:22:44 > 0:22:45- Pass.- Pass.

0:22:45 > 0:22:47Ostrich. Emu.

0:22:47 > 0:22:48Emu!

0:22:48 > 0:22:50Talking.

0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Pass.- He's walking sideways!

0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Old... Old man. You're lost. You're lost.- He's lost.

0:22:58 > 0:23:00- What's he using?- You're lost.

0:23:00 > 0:23:01- A compass!- Yes!

0:23:04 > 0:23:06- Picking apples.- Right.

0:23:06 > 0:23:09- Picking apples.- More general. - Pears. Bananas.- More general.

0:23:09 > 0:23:10- Oranges.- More general.

0:23:10 > 0:23:12- All of those things. - Picking conkers.

0:23:12 > 0:23:15Oh! Picking fruit. I'll give you that one. I'll give you that one.

0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Yeah.- Oh, there we go.

0:23:22 > 0:23:24Warming your hands by the fire.

0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, it's was more... What's he doing? He's construct...

0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Building a fire.- Yeah!

0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Just look at Ed's face. Look at Ed's face.- Horse riding.

0:23:32 > 0:23:35Look at Ed's face. What is he? SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:23:35 > 0:23:36A camel. A horse.

0:23:36 > 0:23:37Time up!

0:23:39 > 0:23:41AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

0:23:43 > 0:23:46All right, William, you've not got much to beat,

0:23:46 > 0:23:47I'm going to be honest with you.

0:23:47 > 0:23:48Who do you want to go with -

0:23:48 > 0:23:53the human being Alex or the talking dog Dodge.

0:23:53 > 0:23:54- Who are you going to pick?- Not me.

0:23:54 > 0:23:56I think I'm going to have to go the human being Alex.

0:23:56 > 0:23:58- Yes, Alex.- Oh, me? You sure? - Well done.

0:23:58 > 0:24:02You're the correct species. Please make your way to the mime area.

0:24:02 > 0:24:04AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

0:24:06 > 0:24:08All right, William. Over to you. Off you go.

0:24:11 > 0:24:14- A starfish.- Yeah!- Yes!

0:24:14 > 0:24:15Good one. Nice one.

0:24:17 > 0:24:19Monkey.

0:24:19 > 0:24:20Um...

0:24:21 > 0:24:24Oh... A monkey.

0:24:24 > 0:24:26- What's going on?- Monkey!

0:24:26 > 0:24:28He's climbing.

0:24:28 > 0:24:29Climbing what? What am I?

0:24:29 > 0:24:31You're...

0:24:31 > 0:24:33a human climbing up a tree.

0:24:33 > 0:24:34Yes!

0:24:37 > 0:24:40Do it. Commit. Commit.

0:24:41 > 0:24:45- You're a snail.- Worse than a snail.

0:24:45 > 0:24:46- Snake.- No.

0:24:48 > 0:24:50Smaller than a snake.

0:24:50 > 0:24:51Small snake.

0:24:51 > 0:24:53- No.- A smaller snake.

0:24:53 > 0:24:55In the earth.

0:24:55 > 0:24:57- Oh, a worm.- Yes!

0:25:00 > 0:25:02You're...

0:25:02 > 0:25:03- Looking for a job.- Map.- Yep.

0:25:03 > 0:25:06Map. You have it in map. It's close enough.

0:25:06 > 0:25:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:25:09 > 0:25:10Uh, you need a poo.

0:25:11 > 0:25:12Me too!

0:25:14 > 0:25:16Oh...

0:25:16 > 0:25:18What? You're disgusting!

0:25:18 > 0:25:20- You're... - SCHOOL BELL RINGS

0:25:20 > 0:25:21Monkeys eating bananas.

0:25:21 > 0:25:25- No, laying an egg. Laying an egg. - It's an egg.- Oh!

0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Iain, that was really bad. - I was breaking an egg.

0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Very good. Very good. - Thank you.

0:25:33 > 0:25:36OK. That is time up. You both done equally...

0:25:36 > 0:25:39I mean, you were both terrible, let's be honest,

0:25:39 > 0:25:42but the winner was, and therefore getting a gold star,

0:25:42 > 0:25:43William's team!

0:25:43 > 0:25:46AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS

0:25:51 > 0:25:54Guys, guys, sadly that's all we've got time for this week.

0:25:54 > 0:25:56- AUDIENCE:- Aw!

0:25:56 > 0:25:58All that remains for me is to announce the winners.

0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, and to read you some lovely poetry.

0:26:01 > 0:26:04CLEARS THROAT

0:26:04 > 0:26:10"I wander lonely as a dog to fetch a stick, a mini log

0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Soon I panic what to do

0:26:13 > 0:26:16"It wasn't a log but a massive poo."

0:26:16 > 0:26:19AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:26:19 > 0:26:20I'm very proud.

0:26:20 > 0:26:22Everyone's going to be studying that very, very shortly.

0:26:22 > 0:26:23That's my life story.

0:26:23 > 0:26:26- It was, actually.- That's my book.

0:26:26 > 0:26:27It was Ode To Dodge.

0:26:27 > 0:26:30Right, let's have a look at the scores.

0:26:30 > 0:26:33It's time to bring down the stars.

0:26:33 > 0:26:36- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

0:26:36 > 0:26:37Oh, I say.

0:26:37 > 0:26:40- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!

0:26:40 > 0:26:42The winners are...

0:26:43 > 0:26:46William's team!

0:26:46 > 0:26:48AUDIENCE CLAP AND CHEER

0:26:50 > 0:26:54William's team, give yourself a pat on the back.

0:26:54 > 0:26:57Caitlin's team, I'm afraid it's time for the dog to eat your homework.

0:26:57 > 0:26:59You have got detention with Mr Smash.

0:26:59 > 0:27:02Please take the walk of shame.

0:27:02 > 0:27:04- # La, la, la, la-la-la - Losers

0:27:04 > 0:27:06- # La, la, la, la-la-la - Losers

0:27:06 > 0:27:09- # La, la, la, la-la-la - Losers

0:27:09 > 0:27:10- # La, la, la, la-la-la - Losers

0:27:10 > 0:27:13- # La, la, la, la-la-la - Losers

0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Losers! #

0:27:15 > 0:27:18So, as my dear old grandmother used to tell me,

0:27:18 > 0:27:22"We didn't learn much but it was fun trying."

0:27:22 > 0:27:24See you all next time on...

0:27:24 > 0:27:27- AUDIENCE:- The Dog Ate My Homework!

0:27:27 > 0:27:29Sees ya!