0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Across the UK...- Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- in the sky. - What does it want from us?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- Thousands of children... - hoping they will be chosen.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18He is...
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- the Joke Master... - Did someone say...
0:00:22 > 0:00:24my name?
0:00:24 > 0:00:28..and this is The Joke Machine.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Joke machine activate.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Oh! Joke machine activate!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Where are we going?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Let's get these jokers cracking up.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Hiya.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Where do you take a sick boat?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Where?- To the- DOCK.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Congratulations. Hilarious.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Yay!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Go, go, go!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09What do penguins catch at night?
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Starfish.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13I don't like fish jokes, but there is an asterisk on it
0:01:13 > 0:01:16and that asterisk is a starfish.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Yes!
0:01:18 > 0:01:21What do footballers and magicians have in common?
0:01:21 > 0:01:23What's that?
0:01:23 > 0:01:24They both do hat tricks.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Yes, they do!
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Yes!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29We're on a roll.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31What did the crow say when a car goes past?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32What?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Ca-ca. Ca-ca.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38You've ruined it. You've ruined the roll!
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Go for it. Good luck.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Why did the Queen draw a straight line?
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Because she IS the ruler.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Get out.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49You fool.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51I am full cos I've just had lunch,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53but guess who hasn't had lunch?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Cupcake!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58SHE SCREAMS
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What is black, white and red?
0:02:00 > 0:02:01What?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03A skunk with nappy rash.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07- That's not funny.- Fly away in your little spaceship to Mars.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10I programme my own destinations!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13But Mars is on the list.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15HE SCREAMS
0:02:18 > 0:02:21New class, new jokes. Let's go.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- THEY SHOUT:- Westborough Primary!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes. I want more!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Warhorse walks into a bar. The barman says,
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"Why the long film?"
0:02:41 > 0:02:45A harsh truth from the mouth of a child.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Yes! Get in there.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Bring in the next one.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50A teacher said to one of his students,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54"You should be an underwater photographer one day."
0:02:54 > 0:02:56One of the students said, "Why?"
0:02:56 > 0:03:00- The teacher said, "Because all of your grades are below- sea-level."
0:03:00 > 0:03:02Convoluted.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03I don't like it.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07SHE YELPS
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It's behind you!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Do not disappoint me.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16What did the alien say to the petrol pump?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- What's that?- Get your finger out of your nose and listen to me.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24As the Joke Master, I declare that joke not funny.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I think you'll find I'M the Joke Master.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30How about we have a competition to see who can make the funniest noise?
0:03:30 > 0:03:32HE SQUEALS
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Me-me-me-me-me-me-me.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Check this out for a funny noise.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39THE BOY SCREAMS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Well, I think I won that exchange.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Why did the chicken cross the road?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Why?- To get your house. Knock knock.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- Who's there?- The chicken.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- The chicken who? - The chicken who crossed the road.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I've got a little spin to put on this joke.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Come on. I really need this to be funny.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01What did the waiter say when the customer said,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03"Do you have frogs' legs?"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06"No, sir. I've always walked this way."
0:04:06 > 0:04:09HE MUMBLES EXCITEDLY
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Yeah!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Let's keep it going.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?- What?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Holes all over Australia.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Crikey, that is a bad joke.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Hey, what do you know about jokes?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Read the jacket and weep, buddy.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Silly little Joke Master.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30It doesn't say silly.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Does it? It doesn't say silly.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34OK. Sorry.
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Apology accepted.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36You're stupid.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Whoa! Where did that come from? I thought we made up. Get out of here.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42ELEPHANT TRUMPETS
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Hmmm. Who was the victor?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48It was...
0:04:48 > 0:04:49you.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54By jingoes, you did well, Bullion Lane.
0:04:54 > 0:04:55Big loss to Westborough.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01Some good jokes there, team, but not enough.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later.