0:00:01 > 0:00:04- Across the UK...- Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object
0:00:04 > 0:00:05in the sky...
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- What does it want from us? - Thousands of children...
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Hoping they will be chosen.
0:00:10 > 0:00:14One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15He is...
0:00:17 > 0:00:18..the Joke Master.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20That's me.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22And this is The Joke Machine.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Joke machine, activate.
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Oh!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Joke machine activate!
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Where are we going?
0:00:39 > 0:00:40ALL CHEER
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Make me crack up, you Jokesters.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51One, two, three...jokes!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54What's the best athlete in the winter?
0:00:54 > 0:00:55A long jumper.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57HE IMITATES SPACESHIP
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Starship Funny has landed and they want you as the captain.
0:01:01 > 0:01:02Yeah! Cha-ching!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04HE IMITATES SPACESHIP
0:01:04 > 0:01:07So there's two boys in a classroom and they're arguing.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And then the teacher walks in and says,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12"Boys, why are you arguing?"
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And then the boy says, "Oh, Miss! We found a £20 note and we..."
0:01:15 > 0:01:16BUZZER
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Are you still talking?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Next.- Why was six afraid of seven?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- Because seven ATE nine. - BUZZER
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Leave. Just leave. Walk away now.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Keep walking.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Thank you.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- What do you call a snail with no shell?- What?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40A snail with housing problems. BUZZER
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I'm going to say... Uh-uh.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43You suck!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46You don't know anything about jokes at all!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Do you want to know what your attitude smells like? Here you go.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52SHE COUGHS
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Get a whiff of that.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Hit me with it.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Oh, I say, I say, I say.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03What starts with a P, ends in an E and has a million letters in it?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I don't know, what starts with a P and ends with an E
0:02:06 > 0:02:09and has a million letters in it?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11A post office!
0:02:11 > 0:02:15You plus you equals funny.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Ha-ha, yes!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Boy, I hope the good times keep coming!
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Have you heard the joke about peanut butter?
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Hm, I'm not telling you.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26You'll probably spread it.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29The only thing you're spreading is lameness!
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Bring in the next victims...I mean jokers!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43THEY STRAIN
0:02:48 > 0:02:50OK, Class Two, what have you got for me?
0:02:50 > 0:02:51DING, DING, DING
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Jokey, jokey jokes.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I saw this man chatting up a cheetah one day.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I thought he was trying to pull a fast one.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00That was so funny, you made me turn into a kettle!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02MIMICS KETTLE BOILING
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Yes! Thank you!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Who wants a warm cup of funny?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- Knock, knock.- Who's there?
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Hawaii.- Hawaii who?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- I'm all right, how are you? - BUZZER
0:03:12 > 0:03:15I was fine until you knocked on my door.
0:03:18 > 0:03:19No manners these days.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22What's your plans today?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Beat you down with my jokes.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Bring it.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Where do sheep go on holiday?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Baa-bados.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Ha-ha! Baa-bados!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34Yay!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36DING Thank you.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Where am I?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41A lot of people call it The Joke Machine.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42I called BT the other day.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47They said, "Not you again."
0:03:47 > 0:03:48BUZZER
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Yeah, he's come back. Yeah, he's on The Joke Machine now.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Get here as quick as you can. All right, thanks, love you.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You tell me a good joke, then.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58OK, two tarantulas walk...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh! Is that the time?
0:04:04 > 0:04:05Aaaah!
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Heh-heh-heh.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10This bloke came up to me and he said,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"I once taught my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away."
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And I said, "Don't you think that's a bit far-fetched?"
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Boom. Boom. Boom!
0:04:17 > 0:04:20DING
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Tell me a joke.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23What do you get if you cross a cow
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- between a goat and a baby goat? - What?
0:04:26 > 0:04:27The Milky Bar Kid.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- BUZZER - That was awful.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I've just realised I can't leave, this is my spaceship,
0:04:33 > 0:04:34so you're going to have to leave.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36No!
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Hmmm. Who was the victor?
0:04:41 > 0:04:42It was...
0:04:42 > 0:04:45you!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46ALL CHEER
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Lea Forest!
0:04:49 > 0:04:50ALL BOO
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Don't boo me, boo yourselves.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Some good jokes there team. But not enough!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later!